The Crocodile - August 2016 - Summer B Super Friends

CONTENTS

SUMMER B STUDENT
TRAMPLED BY
PREVIEW HERD
Jason
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
Last Thursday, outside of the Broward Dining Facility, a UF
student was trampled by a herd of Preview-goers and their
families.
Lindsey Cullins was on her way to class when she was overwhelmed
by the sound of spirited chanting and the sight of
bright orange polos. Struck deaf and blind in one instant, she
didn’t stand a chance against the hungry, impatient freshmen.
said eyewitness
Justin Price.
“Doesn’t she
know to stay
away during
grazing time?”
“It seemed like she was mesmerized by the remixed sounds
of ‘Don’t drop
that meal ticket’,”
Reports indicate
that Cullins
is recovering in
the Infirmary.
Doctors tell us
she is on daily
dosages of blue
Gatorade, and
will be leaving
the Student
Health Care Center with two
handfuls of free condoms in the next couple of days.
Those investigating the incident cite Cullins’ orange shirt as
the reason for her injuries.
According to the lead investigator, Jonathan Campbell, bright
orange spurs them forward, which is why Preview Staffers
wear them.
“It’s a lot like the bulls of Pamplona,”
Campbell said.
“They usually don’t react so aggressively.”
Investigators speculate that the violence was a result of the
smell of Broward Dining’s vegan option that day, a vegan sausage
with miso soup, which are known for their
potent odor.
“The sausage is quite an aroma.”
Campbell commented.
“Yeah that vegetarian crap probably is the reason they
were so angry in the first place.”
not recommended.
UFPD will be
sending bicycle
officers to the
Broward Dining
Facility, Broward
Hall, and
the Reitz Union
to ensure the
safety of passerby
during Preview
hours.
UFPD wishes
to remind the
public that
photography,
especially flash
photography,
only enrages
the incoming
freshmen and is
UPDATE: animal rights activists
have started a campaign to protect
herds of Preview-goers. They
claim that the “torture they are put
through at Preview” is “inhumane”
and “cruel.”
6 August 2016 Check down here for some great freshman icebreakers.

SORORITY RECRUITMENT
INTRODUCES NEW
SRAT TEST
Anaxarete
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
The Panhellenic Council has announced this
week that they’ll be replacing some of the
older traditions of sorority recruitment with a
brand new standardized testing process which
every hopeful sister will have to take.
The test, which has been named the “Sorority
Recruitment Assessment Test,” or “SRAT,” is
part of a new effort to make the rush process
easier for the sorority sisters after they reported
higher than usual rates of wedge blisters
and sprained cheek muscles.
“I’m so glad they finally thought of something
to take the pressure off us girls,”
Said Alpha Sigma Sigma President Sarah Berns,
“Now I just have to collect scantrons instead of
trying to find the perfect shade of concealer to
cover my hangover.”
The test will combine the usual questions of
rush like “What do you do in your free time?”
and “What’s your favorite Lilly Pullitzer pattern?”
with more advanced questions that
have been designed to match the girl with
their perfect house or disqualify them from
the process entirely. There will even be a freeresponse
section where each rushee will have
to provide a design proposal for a new student
government t-shirt.
“I think it’s a pretty good idea overall, it’s definitely
unique,”
Said potential SRAT taker Julia Karr,
“I just don’t know if I’m prepared. Does Kate
Spade make pencil bags?”
The new test is in its first phases of production,
but it is already receiving national recognition
for selecting girls without seeing them in person.
However, Judy Wayland from the Panhellenic
Council has assured the press that they
will be ensuring the utmost dignity and grace
from the rushers by creating a less-formal but
equally as strict dress code,
“The ladies will still be required to wear the
annual Panhellenic t-shirt as part of tradition,
and to prove their commitment to the sorority
lifestyle the test will be taken standing, and in
dress shoes of minimum 4-inches high.”
Take the test for yourself on the next page and
find out if you’re SRAT enough!
10 August 2016 What’s your favorite animal for companionship?

AUGUSTFASHION
MAKESHIFT
UMBRELLA
FORGETABOUT
YOURHAIR
SOMETHING
THATCAN GET
WET

Every
COUNTS
being a gator means caring about the
Gator Nation! if you OR a fellow gator
is in distress, contact U Matter, WE Care.
umatter@ufl.edu | umatter.ufl.edu
352-294-CARE (2273) | @UMatterWeCare

FIVE PERSON
FIGHT BREAKS
OUT OVER
BROWARD
POOL LOUNGE
CHAIR
Anaxarete
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
A UFPD spokesperson announced this week
that 5 University of Florida students have
maintained severe injuries after a fight broke
out over a much-desired lounge chair at the
Broward Pool.
According to the police department, the injuries
to the students mostly consist of deep
fingernail scratches, light bruising and a fairly
significant sunburn. Officer Dimmons reported
that the tussle started after the first student,
Amber Blessel, 18, reached the only intact
chair at the pool at the same time as fellow
freshman student Kara Gurt.
“That chair was the only one that wasn’t missing
at least 8 of those plastic strap things
and there’s no way I’m about to tan on the
concrete like roadkill,”
Said Blessel, who appeared to be the one nursing
the majority of the scratches.
“I clearly had my eyes on it first, plus that other
girl Kara was super pale so she probably
would have been too close to the sun on that
thing anyway.”
After Gurt and Blessel began arguing over the
chair, Delta Iota Chi brother Bradley Hickle
joined the heated debate after claiming he
“totally had dibs” on the chair after leaving a
bottle of tanning lotion within a 3 foot vicinity
the day before. Hickle told reporters that Blessel
was the first to make things physical, after
reportedly poking him firmly in the chest which
is when Hickle’s girlfriend Sara Kimp became
involved and the situation went downhill.
“It was all a blur of bleached hair and tanned
skin,”
Said lifeguard Ken Roop, who was the 5 th person
involved when he attempted to break the
group apart.
“That chair has been the most social hotspot
on campus all summer honestly. We could
probably replace it, but then my 3 hour shift
would be kinda boring.”
All 5 people have made up after the debacle
and have even become friends, deciding to
solve the issue by sharing the chair in shifts
during the day, according to Bessel.
“Except for Kara, we still think she’s way
too pale.”
Do you know the answer to #16 on the homework?
August 2016
17

THE MOST
IMPORTANT
PART OF
ANY OUTFIT
BE SAFE.
WEAR A HELMET.
MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY

TIMESHAVE
CHANGED
$2OFF
BLAZEPIZZA
FREEDigitalgiftcertificatesto90+restaurants

GIRL WHO
RUNS
STADIUMS
TO
COMPETE
IN RIO
OLYMPICS
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
Despite the recent issues plaguing this year’s Olympics, one UF student
is still hoping to take home the gold in an all new event.
Despite the recent issues plaguing this year’s Olympics, one
UF student is still hoping to take home the gold in an all
new event.
Don’t let the Ross sweatpants and Anthropology major fool
you, Ashley Bloom could not be more motivated. What started
out as running stadiums once a week at Ben Hill Griffin stadium
has turned into the most inspiring Olympic story of all time.
“I started doing it just to lose a few pounds, but then I realized
I was beating football players to the top.”
Said Bloom, who got cut from her JV soccer team in
high school.
Bloom has been selected to represent the United States in the
Stadium Running event at the Rio Olympics.
It has been just over six weeks since Bloom decided to use her
exercise outfits for actual exercising.
“I always assumed leggings and a humongous water bottle
were just a fashion statement until I accidently watched
ESPN.”
Said Bloom.
Bloom will be the only Stadium Runner for the United States
and was able to qualify because no one else in the country
wanted to run outside during the summer.
Can you sneak me some pizza from the dining hall?
Bloom attributes her success to her intense training routine.
The routine consists of 20 minutes of running, 15 minutes of
yoga (mostly frog pose), half a liter of something from Tropical
Smoothie that costs $27, and 10 minutes of telling her roommate
on the phone that she just worked out.
Bloom’s Stadium Running coach, Ronda Hogan, describes
Bloom as this Olympics’ Bruce Jenner, meaning that Bloom is a
hard worker and looks cute as a girl.
“I’m only coaching her because it counts toward my court
order of 200 hours of community service.”
Said Hogan.
There will only be two other countries competing in the Stadium
Running event, Julia Najjar from Lebanon and Vladimir
Putin from Russia.
The sport of Stadium Running is a race from the bottom of the
stadium to the top of the stadium.
“The only thing worse in these Olympics other than this
sport are fencing and the Zika virus.”
Said NBC Olympic announcer Bob Costas.
Bloom has not let all the outside distractions get to her and
really has only one goal on her mind.
“I want to do what no other Florida Gator athlete has done in
twenty years. Succeed as a professional athlete.”
August 2016
25

OP-ED: “LET’S HEAD OUT EARLY SO
WE CAN GET TO THE PARTY ON TIME”
Seriously you guys. We haven’t
even left yet and it’s already 9:30.
The party starts at 10:00. 10:00
P.M. Are you listening Julie? That
only leaves us thirty minutes to
get from Murphree to down the
street. Hawaiian Punch and vodka
only lasts so long. Plus, if we’re
too late then we might have to pay. Jack is already there
and he had to pay double the regular $5 door charge.
Come on you guys. Seriously.
No, I don’t want to pre-game, last time we did that I got
too drunk before we even left the dorm. I know that frat
boy bought you wine, it’s not even that good. He got it
from a gas station. It was only like $5, like, he could have
spent that money on this party instead. Besides, isn’t his
family like loaded?
I really want to get there on time you guys. Five min-
utes early is ten minutes late! If I’m going to listen to
anything that my mom has told me before I go do everything
she didn’t want me to do, it is that punctuality
is a sign of maturity. Also, I learned in the Good Life that
like, I would rather be a human being than a clam. So
think about that.
Okay fine, I’ll have a couple shots of Smirnoff. Not because
I want to get drunk, just because I like the taste. I
swear I’m not an alcoholic.
Okay, guys. Less. Go t the parrty now. I, I swear I’m, fine.
I only had like two shots. Less go. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m
fine. Iss already 9:40 and the parrty starts in 6 minutes.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahah, no I swear I’m fine it
starts in 30 minutes.
Okay but f’real I think I’m just going to take a nap.
EAT
Pizza Partner of the Florida Gators ®
Can I borrow $20? I promise I’ll pay you in Fall.
August 2016
27

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