The Crocodile - September 2016 - Norman Tunnel Excavation

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ONE (1) GRAND PRIZE WINNER WILL RECEIVE:
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NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. TO ENTER, MUST BE A FLORIDA RESIDENT, AGE 18 YEARS OR OLDER. On-site hotel policy requires someone 21+ to check in. Sweepstakes begins 9/8/2016 and ends at 5 p.m. (EST) on 10/10/2016. Void where prohibited. Restrictions apply. The Sponsor: Campus Talk.
WARNING: EVENT MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN AND IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13. NO COSTUMES OR MASKS ALLOWED.
Halloween Horror Nights is a separately ticketed event. Event occurs rain or shine. Dates, times, attractions and entertainment are subject to availability and may change without notice. Other restrictions may apply. THE EXORCIST and all related characters and elements © & Warner Bros. Entertainment
Inc. (s16). The Texas Chainsaw Massacre © 1974 Vortex, Inc./Kim Henkel/Tobe Hooper. All Rights Reserved. The Walking Dead © 2016 AMC Film Holdings LLC. All Rights Reserved. American Horror Story & © 2016 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved. Universal elements and all
related indicia TM & © 2016 Universal Studios. All rights reserved. 1617746/AS

CONTENT
5 Editor’s Letter
15 Imagine Contest Winners
19 Quiz: Do You Have the UF
Plague?
21 Croctails
23 Exciting Offer from Gator
Growl
6 Student lists dorm on AirBnB
7 Norman Tunnel Excavation
10 Freshman Grows Patchy Beard
to Prove Adulthood
24 Innovation Academy Students
Found Living in Bat House
25 Freshman GoPros First Night
Out
12 TSA Regulations to Take Over
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
13 UF Alerts
14 Local Dad Suspiciously Encouraging
of Tailgating Behavior
26 Postcard to High School
Teacher
27 Op-Ed: Coming Out to My
Friends as a Santa Fe Student
29 Horoscopes
4 September 2016 Football tickets aren’t more expensive, you’re just cheap

EDITOR’S
LETTER
Hello Class of 2020 and everyone else who will never be that
young again,
Did you know that this is Poseidon’s last year at UF? Did you
know that I just referred to myself in third person for no reason
in particular?
Either way, we have literally the best semester in the history of
the Crocodile set up for you guys, starting off with the Normal
Tunnel excavation. We sent our most seasoned archaeologist
out to the tunnel to chip away at hundreds of years of paint and
find out what our ancestors were writing.
You might remember when we spray painted the entire tunnel
3 years ago for “thecrocdile.org.” Oops.
To change gears a little, has anyone else recently been hyper
aware that they are aging and yet the world keeps turning??
That’s some seriously scary stuff, especially since relevance dies
at right around age 22. Soon, I’m going to start feeling weird
being on campus and everything too. At least other people
have to go through this also.
What else do people write about in these letters? What do you
guys want to hear about? I’ll put some choices and you all can
write on our Facebook with your preference.
A) The very first Crocodile issue
B) How did the Crocodile turn into a magazine?
C) What’s the dumbest thing Poseidon has ever done?
D) I dunno, write in your own or something
Sincerely,
Poseidon
Owner/Founder/Janitor
CROCODILE CONTRIBUTORS
Editor-In-Chief
Peyton Stahler
Designer
Adam Turner
Russian-English
Translator
Sergey “The
Hammer” Borsch
Contributing Writers
Peyton Stahler
Amalie Batchelder
Kyle Rambo
Reese Porter
Carley Carbary
Shane Coll
Mackenzie Patel
Questions? Admin@thecrocodile.
org
Advertising: Peyton@thecrocodile.
org
Online: thecrocodile.org
Orlando Calas
Mark Mimms
Rachael Tonietto
Katie Marshall
Chance Pane
Eric Heubusch
Josh Klafter
Special thanks to...
Trees (for the paper!)
Whatever ink is made
out of
Pizza
Silly Bandz
But seriously – I’m not buying a UMass ticket for $60 on FB
September 2016
5

STUDENT LISTS DORM
ON AIRBNB
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
One enterprising UF student is shaking up the
local housing market by listing his dorm room
on the popular AirBnB app.
UF Sophomore Kenneth Higgins saw a
business opportunity when he realized that
the Gainesville Holiday Inn was making up to
$200 a night for a room no bigger than his own
economy triple. He immediately posted his
Broward Dorm as a vacation home on Airbnb.
“The Holiday Inn was serving cold hotdogs
as a breakfast entrée. At least Gator Dining’s
hotdogs are warm until they crawl off the
plate.”
Said Higgins, who sleeps on the top bunk on
the right.
Higgins said that he hopes to sleep in Marston
Library when he has guests in his Twin XL, and
if the library is closed he’ll ‘probably just ride
the 20 bus around for a while.’ Kenneth’s other
roommates also seemed oddly open to the
arrangement.
“I welcome anyone as long as they have an
open mind and don’t get freaked out by
voodoo ceremonies.”
Said Kenneth’s roommate Josh Duval.
“He was a random roommate.”
The dorm has not been highly thought of in the
past, as Kenneth’s family couldn’t spend more
than 15 minutes in the room without having to
leave to ‘give him some space,’ but Kenneth
is thinking about making some architectural
adjustments in order to accommodate to his
future guests.
“I definitely think we could put a soundproof
wall up between the two bunks and
maybe install a few traps for the human sized
cockroaches in his room,”
Kenneth said.
“Plus my mom spent like $10 extra
for those nice curtains at Target
that keep the sunlight out so
I’m definitely putting that in the
description.”
The Airbnb package for Kenneth’s dorm will
feature a two night stay, some extra pizza
coupons, and a tour of the communal bathroom.
However, Kenneth is already seeing competition
on Airbnb with a TA posting their lab room as a
place for families to stay a few nights and learn
about the fundamentals of statistics.
6 September 2016 Have you been so much you wish you want are?

NORMAN TUNNEL
EXCAVATION
The now-decrepit walkway under 13th St. known to locals as the “Norman Tunnel”
or “Don’t-go-there-at-night” has recently been discovered to be a bastion of
ancient culture. The modern words and drawings that adorn its walls today actually
are just one layer on top of thousands of years of historical drawings and etchings.
Our resident archaeologist here at the Crocodile has been chipping away at
the layers to reveal what’s hidden beneath.
2016
2007
Paint residue shows a
familiar face – our own
beloved Tim Tebow. It
seems that the ancient
culture known as “Class of
‘07” regularly attended this
holy site to worship Tebow
by lighting candles and
throwing footballs.
1990’s
Only 90’s kids get these
SICK references! Wow,
the 90’s were awesome,
right? This text seems
to be complaining about
something called “dial-up”
in the dorms. Maybe there
was some sort of phone
call scam going on? The
Pokemon drawings also
look eerily similar to the
ones that have recently
made a comeback.
1905
The wall was claimed by
the University of Florida,
and a sign was erected that
said “Do Not Deface.”
8 September 2016 The PLUR Florida Crocodile

BC
1880
There’s a strange
lack of art or
relics. Though,
the presence of
crumpled of tissues
and tea leaves
indicates that this is
when the UF plague
began.
1782
Strange residue on
the wall indicates
that the locals
were drinking
some sort of
sugary, carbonated
beverage. Due to
its deliciousness and
general tastiness,
early research
suggests that it was
the first sample of
Pepsi.
1493
Signs of Christopher
Columbus and his
crew are all over
campus. Maybe
he thought the
Buckman fountain
would give him
eternal youth?
10000 BC
Some sort of
ancient picturebased
language
was found. Rough
translation seems to
indicate that it said
something similar to
“FSU sucks.”
10000
HA, get it? Peace Love Unity Respect
September 2016
9

FRESHMAN
GROWS
PATCHY
BEARD
TO PROVE
ADULTHOOD
Jason
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
“The first time I saw it, I gagged a little bit,”
A UF freshman has reportedly been growing
a “beard” since Summer B began to prove his
maturity and masculinity.
Despite his frequent assertions that he only
started a few days ago as an excuse to hide
his obvious lack of testosterone, Matt Nelson’s
previous classmates insist he began the first
day of IUF1000.
“When I first met Matt, he seemed like a normal
guy who shaved regularly,”
Classmate Kasey Reynolds said.
“But he eventually started to grow it
out and now he looks like a fourteen
year old who just hit puberty.”
Chick-Fil-A Express® employees report that
Nelson has been known to stroke his peach
fuzz when deciding what to order from the
three items on the menu. One of the few visible
hairs on his face apparently became something
of a health issue. He was stroking the long dark
hair under his chin when he was asked to leave.
Employee Alexandra Metcalfe commented.
“I actually had to ask him to leave because he
grossed out too many customers.”
When asked for comment, Nelson would only
talk about how wasted he got last night and the
fake ID he supposedly got from a cousin out of
state. He allegedly drank “at least twenty-one
beers bro” and “can’t remember much of what
happened.”
“Yeah I think this beard is really
showing people that even though
I’m technically a freshman, I have the
heart, soul, and body of a senior.”
Said Nelson.
“I think next I’m going to jog through Turlington
shirtless to show off my 5-pack.”
UPDATE: Nelson’s roommate Andrew
Wilson reported that Nelson didn’t even
leave the dorm and stayed up all night
playing video games online.
10 September 2016 That’s what we learned at Imagine Music festival

TSA REGULATIONS TO
TAKE OVER BEN HILL
GRIFFIN STADIUM
Elagabalus
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
However, bringing in any type of beverage is
banned to force spectators to buy $7 bottles of
water or $16 glasses of beer instead.
GAINESVILLE, FL.— In a shocking announcement
this week, the University of Florida decided to
implement rigorous TSA-style rules during all
important football games (sorry Presbyterian).
This new policy has been made out of concern for
the wellbeing of the students, and has led to a
variety of changes in game security including body
scanners, cavity searches, and a team of canines
that supposedly can smell a blood alcohol level
over the legal limit from 25 miles away.
“It’s so comforting to know my daughter will be
safe now,”
“We’re really upping our entrepreneurial game,”
said Kara Kessel, director of Student Rip-Offs.
“The increase in beverage revenue
will really benefit the University, we’re
thinking it’ll go toward building a walk-in
fridge in the indoor practice facility.”
In addition to plastic bags, spectators will have to
remove their shoes for a vigorous foot inspection.
They plan to install deodorizer misters to combat
the ‘Sperry stench’ when patrons strip to their bare
toes.
State of the art body scanners will also detect
smuggled water, drunkenness, and dangerous
umbrellas. Students will have to show a passport,
driver’s license, a voter registration card, a utility
bill, and DNA sample along with their ticket to get
into the Stadium.
If a student forgets one of these items, they are
deported back to their dorms or apartments.
As a perk, alumni can pay a handsome $1000 fee
to obtain Stadium pre-check and bring anything—
including water AND alcohol—into the Stadium.
said Joan Kars, mother of sophomore Deshlee Kars.
“I always knew opaque backpacks and
water bottles were such a threat to her.”
In true airport fashion, all liquids must be under 3.4
ounces and stowed in gallon bags.
The technology is paid for wholly by ticket
purchases. Stadium Security Spokesman Ben
Kniggs said that they were faced with a difficult
decision in choosing between this, or wifi for the
entire stadium.
“See? We told you that extra $30 for
season tickets would be worth it!”
12 September 2016 Which was pretty fun by the way, not even saying it as a sponsor

UF ALERTS
That computer music must be hard to make
September 2016
13

LOCAL DAD
SUSPICIOUSLY
ENCOURAGING
OF TAILGATING
Anaxarete
Crocodile Staff Writer staff@thecrocodile.org
A UF freshman has reported that their father
appears to be displaying an unusual amount
of support for their child’s drinking activities
before the game.
Keiran Gould, 18, called Gainesville emergency
services 3 hours before the Florida Football
home game out of concern that her father may
have a fever or some
kind of brain injury
affecting his behavior.
Gould told EMTs
that she first became
worried about her
father Joseph, 46, when
he asked if she knew of
any parties in the area.
“At first I thought he
was joking, I mean
usually his jokes are
pretty lame anyway,”
Gould said
“But then he kept questioning me
about it like ‘don’t you know anyone
in a fraternity?’ and ‘you must know
somewhere to get cheap beer, I
promise I won’t tell your mom.’”
Gould said that she and her father had been
enjoying a nice lunch before the game, but he
seemed anxious to return to campus. Many
students tailgating in the area around Gould’s
dorm said that he had been spotted looked
forlornly at their cornhole set-ups or asking if
they needed an extra for flip cup.
Gould told reporters her dad also seemed to
be wearing an entirely Gator branded outfit
that she was pretty sure had never owned
before.
“I never thought to ask
my dad where, or if,
he went to college—I
just assumed that it
was so long ago they
hadn’t been invented
yet,”
Gould said.
“But now I’m wondering
if he used to party or
something. Which would
be pretty gross but also
kind of explain why he
loves Natty Light so much.”
EMTs declared the 46-year-old completely
healthy and said any strange behavior was
probably from the heat, but Gould said she
disagreed due to the fact that he asked to
go to Balls after the game had finished to
‘celebrate.’
14 September 2016

Photo credit dvphotovideo.com
CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR IMAGINE
MUSIC FESTIVAL CONTEST WINNERS!

...or you could just grab your copy of Gator Bucks!
www.GatorBucks.com

Dare to enter Chance’s mind as she
transforms the reality around her by creating
a surreal theatre of madness.
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FLORIDA RESIDENTS
SAVE
UP TO
ON SELECT NIGHTS*
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49
with promo code from specially-marked cans
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HALLOWEENHORRORNIGHTS.COM #HHN26
WARNING: EVENT MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN AND IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13. NO COSTUMES OR MASKS ALLOWED.
Halloween Horror Nights is a separately ticketed event. Event occurs rain or shine. Dates, times, attractions and entertainment are subject to availability and may change without notice. Other restrictions may apply. *Based on full retail price of $104.99 with promo code (excludes Frequent Fear and Rush of Fear Passes). Offer ends 10/31/16. To
receive full discount, tickets must be purchased at least 24 hours in advance with presentation of valid Florida photo ID and promo code from specially-marked cans of Coca-Cola, Coca-Cola Zero or Sprite or cups from participating Burger King restaurants. Limit six (6) tickets per purchase. Sales tax and parking fee not included. No rain checks,
returns or refunds. Prices, dates, times, attractions and entertainment are subject to availability and may change without notice. Other restrictions may apply. ©2016 The Coca-Cola Company. All rights reserved. TM & © 2016 Burger King Corporation. All rights reserved. THE EXORCIST and all related characters and elements © & Warner
Bros. Entertainment Inc. (s16). The Texas Chainsaw Massacre © 1974 Vortex, Inc./Kim Henkel/Tobe Hooper. All Rights Reserved. The Walking Dead © 2016 AMC Film Holdings LLC. All Rights Reserved. American Horror Story & © 2016 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved. Universal elements and all related indicia TM
& © 2016 Universal Studios. All rights reserved. 1617714/AS

Quiz: Do you have tuberculosis or the UF plague?
Have you been having coughing fits like a 65-year- old smoker but you’re worried if you
go to the infirmary they’ll only prescribe you Tylenol and Gatorade? Well this quiz is here
to help! Just answer the questions below to find out if you have the chronic sickness that
plagued the 1800’s or the virus that your roommate had last week.
Question 1: What pop culture icon does your professor turn into when you have a fever in class?
A. Elton John, but before he came out of the closet.
B. Abraham Lincoln with a top hat and all.
C. A weird mixture of Coach Mac and my dad.
Question 2: At any given moment, how many cough drop wrappers would we find in your backpack?
A. At least 24 plus probably 3 empty bottles of water and an empty packet of Mucinex that put me back
$27.
B. You think I’m still going to classes? My professor kicked me out 20 minutes into class when I coughed
over his description of a dependent clause.
C. No cough drops but I did drink an entire bottle of Nyquil and have a few weird nightmares about my
calculator coming to life.
Question 3: On a scale of 1 to a baby with chocolate pudding, how dirty are the looks people give
you?
A. A 4. I may not have showered for an undignified amount of time but I’m pretty sure this Bath and
Body Works spray is covering it up pretty well.
B. 7.5. At least 3 people have crossed the street when they saw me. One person told me they liked my
Halloween makeup.
C. I’d say a 2, but I think it’s just ‘cause I handle being sick well. It feels worse than it looks.
Question 4: Did you use being sick as an excuse to miss class?
A. I asked my professor very politely but apparently a sinus infection isn’t good enough to get around a
5 point quiz. Don’t worry, I made sure to cough very dramatically on my way out.
B. Like I said before, I no longer think I’m welcome in any classes. My English professor practically told
me she’d give me an A just to not breathe the same air as her. Score!
C. Oh yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t want to infect my classmates, right? I like to think it’s an act of kindness.
I’m sure my TA will understand.
TURN OVER FOR RESULTS
If you answered mostly C’s, you aren’t sick, you fraud. Stop making the rest of us look bad and put the Nyquil away,
you can get turnt on half a can of PBR at literally a fraction of the price.
If you answered mostly B’s, oops—looks like you have TB! Don’t worry, unlike our dear ancestors the ol’ consumption
won’t be sending ya to the grave anytime soon. Hey, maybe your history teacher will even use you as part of his
lesson plan!
If you answered mostly A’s, sorry—you have the UF plague. But don’t worry, it’s entirely curable with enough lemon
lime Gatorade and maybe a 14 hour nap. Better to get used to it anyway, it’ll be back again in 3 months like
clockwork.
I can’t believe it’s… “Not Butter”
September 2016
19

CROCTAILS
The Spurrier Sangria
Ingredients:
-Toilet Water from a Ben Hill Griffin Stadium Bathroom
-Tears from Singing Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days”
-Gatorade
-Blue and Orange dye (not regulated by the FDA)
-1990’s Steve Spurrier Visor with sweat
-More Gatorade
If you’re a Gators football fan that watches reruns of old games
and has a license plate that says “1996 National Champions”
then this drink is for you. One sip of this Grog flavored drink will
make your smile as big as the Gators logo (even while watching
the current Gators Football team). If you’re still not convinced
you should know this drink is the official sponsor of Tim
Tebow’s baseball career.
Instructions: Make sure you start with
the proper attire which is a head to toe
outfit of orange and blue. This should
also be your everyday outfit. Set the
mood by lighting a nice Seminole
jersey on fire. That scent makes for
perfect mixing conditions. This next
step is key in the mixing process. You
must forgive and let go of any bad thoughts
towards Jeff Driskel, Treon Harris, Will Grier,
or any other UF quarterback in the last half
decade. Once these steps are done all that’s left is
to mix the ingredients using a gator chomp mixer
(sold on the Crocodile website). Enjoy this drink
while tailgating and maybe it will get you buzzed
enough to not get upset about people in online
sale groups trying to sell their unclaimed
student tickets for $70 each.
Betcha didn’t think I’d tie that back in
September 2016
21

Every
COUNTS
being a gator means caring about the
Gator Nation! if you OR a fellow gator
is in distress, contact U Matter, WE Care.
umatter@ufl.edu | umatter.ufl.edu
352-294-CARE (2273) | @UMatterWeCare

INNOVATION ACADEMY
STUDENTS FOUND
LIVING IN BAT HOUSE
Perses
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
Five Innovation Academy students were found
living in the UF bat houses this week.
The students were found in their makeshift
home after police were sent to investigate why
all of a sudden all the bats seemed so upset.
The UFPD officer said at first they suspected
an infestation of bees, so finding 5 orange and
blue clad teenagers came as quite a surprise.
“It was weird and kind of insane,”
Officer DeNiro remarked.
“Two boys and three girls. They were
squatting and refused to come out,
no matter how much we hosed them
down or offered them cookies.”
The officers said that the houses were filled with
Gator Dining takeaway boxes and memorabilia
from the bookstore. One eyewitness estimated
that they had probably been living there since
preview, given the lanyards that were carefully
hung on the walls.
“This is so unfair, I just saw the little check mark
and it looked like a cool program,”
Said Leslie Kolp, 18.
“Now I can’t even go on campus without being
called a “trespasser.” There was one time I was
just walking to Lib West Starbucks and the next
thing I know I’m being thrown over an officer’s
back and tossed across University Ave!”
Another of the bat-house residents said that
he chose to live there just so he could at least
hear the football games a little better, if not
experience the atmosphere by watching the
tailgaters across the street.
“Usually we just listen with a cup
pressed against the wall,”
Bryan Godle said.
“But if we clean up in the lake, sometimes we
can even sneak through the security guards
and pass as regular students.”
Despite the living conditions and cramped
quarters, all the students agreed that their
situation was significantly better than living
in Tallahassee.
24 September 2016 Fresh out of the EDM jokes now though

FRESHMAN
GOPROS FIRST
NIGHT OUT
Apollo Tropical
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
Every freshman’s first weekend in Gainesville
is a pivotal moment in their life, that’s why
Freshman Greg Donavan decided to film the
entire night via a GoPro strapped to his inner
thigh.
Donavan thought filming from this angle would
give the footage that “authentic” and “artistic”
affect.
“People film their experiences at raves
all the time,”
Said Donavan.
“I bet my night at Cantina is going to be just
like Ultra or Coachella!”
Donavan’s first recording experience didn’t end
as well as he had hoped, after approximately
12 drunken club-goers spilled their tequila
sunrises down his camera-strapped leg,
however the wild night out inspired Donavan
to start his own blog of “crazy” nighttime
experiences down in old Gainesville.
when the bouncer thinks I’m a ‘creep’ or
‘underage,’”
Said director Donavan.
“But it’s all worth it to get that shot
of a sweaty guy “breakdancing” to
Pitbull songs in a puddle of warm beer
at the end of the night.”
If Donavan’s blog does as well as he anticipates,
he told reporters he wants to release a line of
party products associated with his brand.
Donavan claims he is the only “director” and
“videographer” in the area who offers free live
footage of the line outside Relish in addition to
the more classic style clubbing videos.
“Sure sometimes I end up with a few bruises
But the bass dropped harder than my GPA sophomore year, oooooh
Products will include “Donavan caught the guy
stealing my IPhone on tape” t-shirts, alcohol
proof clip-on microphones, sticky boob night
cameras and proper documentation that will
allow Donavan to post the footage of you
peeing outside of Grog.
September 2016
25

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26 September 2016 What else do you wanna talk about?

OP-ED: COMING OUT TO MY
FRIENDS AS A SANTA FE STUDENT
Becoming a college student in Gainesville this
summer was an experience I really enjoyed.
I met a lot of new people around town and
they’ve become good friends. There’s just
one thing they don’t know about me.
I’m a student at Santa Fe.
It’s getting harder and harder to fake
as time goes on. As they talk about how
good the UF football team is going to be this year
I have to hold my tongue instead of bragging that Santa
Fe’s basketball team almost made the high school sports
playoffs last year.
When they talk about the hazing in Greek life I can’t even
mention the hazing that the ex-cons at Santa Fe do to the
students with a gpa over 2.0.
When they’re complaining the bus is packed I just want to
tell them that it’s worse when it’s just you and a smelly guy
who may or may not be alive.
Even I have my down moments though. Sometimes my
favorite part of school is seeing the almost finished Bass
Pro Shop on the drive there.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous to tell them. Coming out as
a community college student is a lot more socially accepted
now than fifty years ago.
Saying this all out loud has helped me realize I’m proud of
being a Santa Fe student. I might even buy a Santa Fe hat
from their gift shop, which actually sells a lot of UF gear.
The only way I could talk myself into sharing this secret
with my friends was telling myself that If Joel McHale could
make community college seem semi decent then surely I
could.
Breaking the news to my friends didn’t go as smoothly as
I anticipated. I was almost shaking as I broke the news to
five people wearing blue and orange T-shirts, lanyards, and
nose rings.
When they found out they slapped the Gators hat off my
head, and told me I can never make gas money on the UF
Ride Board Facebook page ever again. Pretty soon there
was a whole crowd watching, and they booed me out of
Target Copy.
Just because Santa Fe accepts everyone doesn’t mean
everyone accepts Santa Fe.
EAT
Pizza Partner of the Florida Gators ®
These footers are just getting so colloquial
September 2016
27

HOROSCOPES
You should start using paper
plates because yours are just
gross. It’s not
your fault!
That’s just
how plates
are.
You will slowly age and become
out of touch with the next generation,
all while believing that
you can actually cling to your
youth.
You should take up art, or
painting, or something. Either
way, quit whatever
you’re doing now.
You will find a giftcard to Starbucks
on the ground and it will
have enough for at least half
a drink. Then
back comes
the bad luck
thing for a few
months. Sorry.
Lightning will strike the same
place twice. Luckily, it will be
a farm in Kansas and not your
face.
You will have an unlucky run-in
with a UFPD officer. You’ll be
walking and he’ll be on a bike.
You will only break one arm,
though.
Your online assignment was due
yesterday. Don’t worry, just say
you thought it was “11:59 am
the next
day.” They
always fall
for that one!
Did you see the way your TA
looked at you the other day?
He’s totally going to give you a
D. Because you’re bad
at statistics.
Don’t stress out, it’ll get better
soon! Eventually you’ll be out of
school and there will be no one
to tell you what to do
and no structure
in your life. Isn’t
that great?
Something will happen to you!
No seriously, it could happen
to anyone but it just HAD to be
you, didn’t it?
Cya!
You will say Jeff Driskel’s name
on accident and it will make
everyone uncomfortable.
For some reason, the UF wifi
will only work intermittently on
your computer. Look; I don’t
know why, the tech support
doesn’t know why, and that
dude with glasses DEFINITELY
doesn’t know why.
September 2016
29

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