12.13.18
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PW OPINION PW NEWS PW LIFE PW ARTS<br />
•ADVICE•<br />
BY PATTI CARMALT-VENER<br />
UNHAPPY<br />
HOLIDAYS<br />
SENSITIVITIES — POSITIVE<br />
AND NEGATIVE — ARE<br />
HEIGHTENED DURING THE<br />
CHRISTMAS SEASON<br />
Dear Patti,<br />
I see everybody smiling and laughing at Christmastime. I want to be happy as well,<br />
especially when I see families close with each other during their traditions, such as going<br />
caroling. Instead, I always end up depressed. Each year I hope I’ll feel different, but I<br />
never do.<br />
When I started to think very dark and sad thoughts this week, I decided to seek out a<br />
professional therapist (whom I’ll see for the first time in two days).<br />
I have terrible childhood memories of Christmas. My father was a teacher and, during<br />
his winter break he left us to be with the mother of one of his students. Although he visited<br />
me later, he never came home and things were never the same between us. My mother was<br />
devastated, got drunk and stayed in her room all Christmas while I opened my presents<br />
alone.<br />
The worst memory was when my grandma died. She was the only one who ever took<br />
me to see Santa, drove me around to see Christmas lights, and made me gingerbread and<br />
eggnog.<br />
As I’m writing, I’m experiencing many feelings — mostly fear, anger and sadness.<br />
My childhood is over and I’d like to keep it in the past. When I was little, I vowed<br />
I’d grow up and make my life different. For the most part, I’ve been doing a good job at<br />
achieving this, but it’s always difficult over the Christmas holidays.<br />
— Jessica<br />
Dear Jessica,<br />
You’ve made a wonderful first step toward healing by acknowledging your need and<br />
reaching out for professional help. It’s imperative you follow through with psychotherapy<br />
and find a therapist you trust and feel connected to. The goal is for the two of you to create a<br />
safe, private space in which you carefully examine and process these painful memories,start<br />
repairing the hurt you experienced as a child and, in doing so, address your seasonal depression.<br />
Holidays often heighten sensitivity of feelings, both positive and negative. While it’s a<br />
season for joy, inspiration, appreciation for what one has and spending time with loved ones,<br />
it can also generate painful feelings insofar as coping with memories of past holidays that<br />
were less than they were meant to be. You’re not alone. Others have felt sad or blue, oftentimes<br />
unsure of the reason until they realize something as simple as pulling out a favorite<br />
cookie recipe or looking at a family photograph triggered a memory of painful trauma which<br />
occurred at this same time of the year.<br />
These anniversary feelings — such as those you’ve related about your childhood — were<br />
unsafe to experience when you were a child and yet, with their recurrence, they now represent<br />
an opportunity to heal. Allow yourself to feel and explore all your angry, sad and fearful<br />
emotions freely and unfiltered with your therapist until eventually they dissipate.<br />
When there are unfinished feelings concerning a traumatic experience, one reacts to<br />
similarities first and differences second. For example, if you see a mother and a daughter<br />
buying gifts, you might react to what is similar to an original traumatic event that happened<br />
to you, flooding you with painful memories and feelings of a terrible gift-giving experience. In<br />
the first moments, the realization your life is different today may not occur to you; specifically,<br />
you now may have loved ones to love, exchange gifts and share time with, unlike your<br />
situation in childhood. Therefore, if there are basic similarities between an original trauma<br />
and what you currently see, your initial response might be an angry and sad reaction to an<br />
experience now, even though the situation in the present may be very different from what<br />
actually occurred in the past.<br />
I don’t believe in arbitrarily opening up one’s old memories unless these repressed feelings<br />
are somehow interfering with the quality of one’s current life. Since there are underlying,<br />
painful times you have been unable to heal, this can be your opportunity to heal these<br />
old traumatic experiences once and for all. Despite the circumstances of your childhood<br />
home, it sounds like you’ve already accomplished your wish of living a different life, even if<br />
it’s not always perfect. Transform this season into the celebration you’ve always wanted and<br />
deserved. n<br />
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term Psychotherapy,<br />
is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Pasadena, Santa Monica and Canoga Park. Contact her at<br />
(626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com. Visit her website, patticarmalt-vener.com.<br />
<strong>12.13.18</strong> | PASADENA WEEKLY 17