Seedling Magazine Issue #4 - April/May 2019

thoughts about...
being yourself
The phrase 'be yourself' is repeated so often that it has become
a cliche. Whenever we're stressing out about a job interview
or making a good first impression, well­meaning friends and
family members will tell us to 'just be ourselves'.
I can't be the only one who has always found this advice
frustrating. I suspect many of us just don't know what it means
to be ourselves. And it's something I think I'm only just
starting to figure out.
The answer, of course, is that you're probably not making
anything up. We all tend to behave in completely different
ways with different people. That's because the way someone
interacts with us, and the dynamic between them and us,
naturally shapes our behaviour. Most researchers who have
studied this topic agree that there is no one 'true self'. So no
wonder we're so confused!
Culture and self
Widespread confusion about this has sparked the idea of
'finding yourself', which has become an eye­roll­inducing
cliche in its own right! And I have become confused all over
again about what it means to 'find yourself' and how exactly
you're supposed to do it.
So why are so many of us confused about something as
fundamental as who we are? There are a few factors at play.
Multiple selves
The situation is further complicated by the influence of
culture. Some cultures value extroversion, for example, and so
many people in these cultures will display extroverted traits.
Other cultures are the other way around. And this applies to
many other traits too. It's virtually impossible to separate
ourselves from the environment we grew up in. Our culture
and those around us have a huge influence on how we
develop.
What is the authentic self?
Have you ever noticed that you behave completely differently
around different people? You may be lively and playful with
your kids but calm and professional at work, for example. Or
maybe some friends bring out your crazy fun­loving side,
whilst others stimulate debate and deep discussions.
Does this mean that you must be faking some of your traits, if
they appear to be contradictory? How can you tell which ones
are genuine?
All this makes it tempting to declare that self as a concept is
useless and should be abandoned. But I feel it depends on
what we think of as the self.
All too often, we define who we are by what we like and
dislike, how we look, where we work and so on. None of
these makes us who we are, but I do believe it is possible to
form a deeper sense of self based on authenticity and values.
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