06.06.19
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PW OPINION PW NEWS PW LIFE PW ARTS<br />
•ADVICE•<br />
BY PATTI CARMALT-VENER<br />
REJECTION HURTS<br />
REPLACE THAT CRITICAL INNER VOICE WITH ONE THAT HAS MORE<br />
SUPPORTIVE AND POSITIVE OPINIONS<br />
Dear Patti,<br />
I’m sitting in our family car, writing you because I don’t want my parents<br />
to know how upset I am. I’m a senior in high school and have always known<br />
that I would need financial aid for college. I’ve been training and counting<br />
on an athletic scholarship for golf for the last four years. Today I received the<br />
last rejection letter. Out of the 11 schools I applied to, I have not received any<br />
scholarships. There are two colleges I have been accepted to but I will have to take<br />
out huge student loans.<br />
At first I was shocked. I had always been told that I was a shoo-in. Now I’m so<br />
mad at myself for being so arrogant, so sure of myself. I should have done my due<br />
diligence and made sure that I had a better backup plan. Looking back, there were<br />
two other girls on my team that were drafted and recruited by the colleges of their<br />
choice. Not me! So why was I so stupid to think I was such a great athlete!<br />
I love both of my parents dearly, but if I’m honest they lack the discipline it<br />
takes to get somewhere in life. My dad always talks about how he wanted to be a<br />
veterinarian but instead he’s a car mechanic. My mom cleans houses, and while she<br />
seems content it hurts me to see her work so hard for such long hours. She says she’s<br />
happy to have her marriage and children, but I can’t help wonder if she would’ve<br />
been happier if she’d been more successful.<br />
I’ve been seeing the counselor at school since the first rejection letters started<br />
coming in. Even though I’ve been crying every day, my counselor doesn’t think<br />
I’m depressed. She says I’m responding to disappointing news with deep<br />
sadness, which she believes is normal. I hope she’s right because I feel so upset<br />
that it’s hard to think about anything else right now. I’ll probably go to one of the<br />
colleges that did accept me but I’m not excited about it. I’m not looking forward<br />
to having to work throughout my whole time in college and still end up with a<br />
huge financial burden in student loans. It just hurts so much that I don’t feel<br />
special or talented anymore. I just feel average.<br />
— Ashley<br />
Dear Ashley,<br />
I agree with your counselor that it’s very normal to be sad in a situation where you<br />
experience a major life loss and rejection, as you just have. However, it’s definitely<br />
not emotionally healthy to turn on yourself with such an extreme negative voice. If I<br />
had a daughter that had just lost a life dream and in the middle of her pain you called<br />
her arrogant, stupid, not special or talented, and just average, I would calmly but<br />
firmly ask you to leave the premises. Then I would nurture my daughter and quietly<br />
wait until she could begin to re-build her dream again.<br />
It’s easy for most people to be proud of themselves when they are doing well<br />
and meeting their life goals. It’s hardest to be your own true friend when things are<br />
tough, but that’s when it’s most important to do so. Your adult life is just beginning<br />
and there will probably be many disappointments. Those will be the times when you<br />
will need a nurturing, loyal internal voice, a voice that can see your own worth when<br />
you are having difficulty doing so.<br />
While you may not be clinically depressed now, there are studies showing that<br />
people with a depressive disorder are more apt to have self-critical thought patterns,<br />
a harsh inner critic. If you start beating yourself up with accusations and self-flagellations,<br />
you’re more likely to suffer from depression or anxiety. Shaming, judging,<br />
and isolating yourself will only make things worse.<br />
Rejection hurts. Be as kind and gentle to yourself as you can. Challenge that<br />
critical voice by replacing it with more supportive and positive opinions about<br />
yourself. Work on building yourself up more, focusing on you rather than comparing<br />
yourself with others. Allow your heart to dream and don’t ever discard your<br />
desires for the life you really want. Your life is a work in progress. Nothing big<br />
gets accomplished overnight; change of any kind is challenging. But persist in<br />
taking small steps and appreciate each accomplishment you make. Don’t ever lose<br />
your unique and valuable self. If you continue to feel sad and blue, I recommend<br />
further professional counseling. n<br />
14 PASADENA WEEKLY | <strong>06.06.19</strong><br />
Patti Carmalt-Vener, a faculty member with the Southern California Society for Intensive Short Term<br />
Psychotherapy, has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years and has an office in Pasadena. Contact<br />
her at (626) 584-8582 or email pcarmalt@aol.com. Visit her website, patticarmalt-vener.com