Viva Brighton Issue #76 June 2019

COLUMN
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John Helmer
Shoot
“Will you be nude?” says Finn.
It’s the question everybody asks when you tell
them you’re going to be in a calendar. (Along
with, “WTF?”, and “why you?”)
I tell Finn, the airline steward who is one of
the friends I am having lunch with, that it’s a
work thing; that I’ll be in the (hopefully far)
background of a group shot, and that I will in
fact be clothed, having ticked the box to decline
taking part in any kit-off action. The theme
is movie posters, and I am helping to portray
Mamma Mia 2.
“So which one are you going to be?”
“Pierce Brosnan,” I say, explaining that when I
was in the line-up on Never Mind the Buzzcocks,
one of the people they had selected to look
slightly like me was a professional Pierce
Brosnan looky-likey.
“Miranda Hart says that everybody has a good
looky-likey and a bad looky-likey,” chips in
Finn’s friend Tom.
Finn looks at me and screws up his eyes so that
they go out of focus. “I’d believe Pierce Brosnan
could be your good looky-likey,” he says kindly.
“Who’s your bad looky-likey?” asks Tom.
“That would be Michael Gove,” I say ruefully.
I’ve no idea why a 30-mile bike ride followed by
a long boozy lunch with Tom, Finn et al seemed
like appropriate preparation for a Monday
morning photoshoot. But the result is that I turn
up the next day at the swanky London hotel
where it’s being held in fairly urgent need of
make-up.
“Maximum slap please,” I ask as they seat me in
the hotel’s salon; “I’m going for over-the-hill
smoothie: I need to get tangoed”.
“Foundation, bronzer,” orders a smiling woman
with a clipboard, then, turning to me: “do you
know who you are?”
“Pierce Brosnan?”
“No. We’ve already got a Pierce. You’re him.”
She points to a picture of the Mamma Mia
poster on her clipboard.
“But that guy’s a lot younger than me.”
“You should be flattered.”
“And he’s got different-coloured hair. And a
beard.”
“It’s for charity.”
The charity is Dreamflight, who provide
holidays for kids with a serious illness or
disability. Later, in the hotel’s basement
nightclub, where the shoot is taking place, I
meet its head, a very nice woman who looks
a bit like Prue Leith only with more sensible
glasses. I tell her about my conversation with
Finn and she tells me that
she used to be cabin crew
with the same airline.
“He wouldn’t know me
though, I retired 15
years ago.”
“You must have retired
very young,” I smile, deep
in my role of over-the-hill
smoothie.
On the way out I bump
into my friend Carl, who
is getting ready for the
Calendar Girls poster shot.
“Will you be nude?” I ask.
He nods nervously.
The main thing about
charity is that you have to be
a very good sport.
Illustration by Chris Riddell
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