| PUBLISHER’S MESSAGE Whenever a flu bug courses through our family, which seems to happen every few years, I am always the last one to get sick. I’m the guy who hands out the wet washcloths and makes sure everyone has a barf bowl between my runs down to the grocery store for Saltines and 7UP and Campbell’s Soup. Then, it’s my turn. It was ten, or maybe eleven years ago, when I considered that death may be a better option. My stomach revolted violently for three days straight. Once I was able to make it out of bed, I planted myself on the couch enshrouded in our family’s “snuggly” blanket. Everything hurt, even my fingers when I flipped through the channels until I found something worth watching. The chipper television host had an equally chipper guest. And, “chipper” is probably not the right word choice, as those two were in rapture; radiating joy from every pore. And all because of a blender. But, it was not just any blender, it was the Vitamix 750 Professional Series. And it was available exclusively on the Home Shopping Network. With the initials HSN permanently affixed to the lower right-hand corner of the screen, I leaned in a bit, but only to the point where my guts began to object again. After 72 hours without a meal, I was led into a trance by their “Simple Smoothie” recipe. “Now, folks, this is so easy,” the host assured. “Just toss in whatever you’ve got laying around: half a banana, a handful of blueberries, some chocolate powder, maybe some yogurt, add some ice cubes, and you’re all set.” Watching them lift the drinks to their lips and sample their frozen treat drove me to the precipice of madness. With sweat beading up on my forehead, the room began to spin as a bizarre set of competing emotions took hold. I felt both an intense contempt for those two—they were just so smug—as well as complete fascination with their high-powered appliance, to the point where, looking back on it now, I may very well have been in some early stage of hypnosis. One by one, the annoying duo unveiled yet another thing that can be done with the 750: “You can make an amazing tomato soup!... Ice cream, anyone?... Protein shakes are so easy with the Vitamix, and you’ll build muscle as you commute to work!... You can make your own almond butter!... Do you love fettuccine Alfredo? Well, I’ve got good news for you!... Tired of chopping your veggies?... Bread dough is a snap... No more buying baby food at the store, the Vitamix has you covered!... And, here’s one of my favorites, folks: Pesto!” Ah, man. They had to talk about pesto. Now I was on the ropes. Despite never having bought anything from a TV show—although, I have an aunt who seems to only buy her stuff that way—I was now hanging on every word, waiting in rabid anticipation for the price to be revealed. But, the unnaturally happy and suspiciously tanned pair kept on going, whipping up one quick meal after another—“This is so simple, folks”—and sampling their concoctions with exquisite delight. I was equal parts frustrated and fascinated, and I wished they would stop calling me “folks.” It was making my headache worse. Finally, they went in for the close. After the camera panned back to show all of the amazing stuff that they made right there on the set, they then zoomed in on the Vitamix 750 Professional Series and claimed that it contained more horsepower than many lawn mowers. This thing was no joke. “And, how much would you expect to pay for this incredibly magical machine, which will look so beautiful on your kitchen counter?” the host inquired. “How about $3,000? $2,000? $1,500?” Now lowering his voice and his pace, “Well, what if I were to tell you that you can have all of this for just $599.95?” I snapped out of my trance and jerked back to reality. There’s no way I was going to pay $600 for a blender. Give me a break! That’s when the host heard my objection and answered back. “But, we’re making it really easy, folks. If you order within the next 15 minutes, we are going to throw in all of these additional accessories worth another $599.95—it’s like getting a free Vitamix 750!” Wait, what? I’m getting the blender for free? Still, there was no way I could justify that sort of expenditure. At the time, the kids were still crawling around on all fours and $600 was a lot of diapers. But, we could start making our own baby food, after all. That’s when the guest chimed in to drop the hammer. After listing all of the stuff they are magnanimously handing over—a free blender, for goodness sake—she explained that you didn’t even have to pay for it, at least not today. “If you call right now, within the next 14 minutes, for just $49.99 we’ll ship everything you see here, plus the free Vitamix 750!” Reflexively, I hollered out with every ounce of remaining energy: “Hey, Sweetie, can you please bring me my phone and my wallet?” Some people take great satisfaction in paying off a car or a boat or a house. For me, it was a blender. After eleven months of “EZ Payments,” I became the proud owner of a fully unencumbered Vitamix 750 Professional Series blender—which now sits on the top shelf of our pantry, covered in dust. I would like to take this opportunity to say “thank you” to everyone who has had a hand in producing this issue of <strong>SLO</strong> <strong>LIFE</strong> <strong>Magazine</strong> and, most of all, to our advertisers and subscribers—we couldn’t do it without you. Live the <strong>SLO</strong> Life! Vitamix Tom Franciskovich tom@slolifemagazine.com Get the story within the story by going to GrowWithTom.com and subscribing to Tom’s Bombs to receive the next installment. 14 | <strong>SLO</strong> <strong>LIFE</strong> MAGAZINE | AUG/SEP <strong>2019</strong>
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