PDTE 2012 October Newsletter

Boundaries
and in time the child understands that the
road is dangerous and that he needs to
stay on the pavement and hold an adult’s
hand before crossing it. In years to come,
when the child has gained sufficient experience
of traffic and has observed others
crossing roads, it will become appropriate
to trust their judgement to cross roads
unaided. It is all part of building up their life
skills.
Presenting guided choices avoids having
to nag the child with negatives like “come
here”, “leave that”, “no” and “don’t do that”,
which, as most of us know, draws attention
to what we don’t want, and usually the
child then goes toward that very thing. Not
only that, but when constantly told “no”,
“stop it” and so on, children recognise
what they can and can’t do without understanding
why, perhaps it even prevents
them from learning how to make decisions
for themselves. Negativity can seriously
affect a child’s emotional development,
which leads onto behavioural problems
and health issues, low self-esteem and a
stronger tendency toward depression.
A child has just started pulling itself up
onto furniture, opening cupboards, reaching
objects inside and grabbing at items
left on work surfaces. The table and plug
sockets etc are no longer out of bounds.
The parents, putting down valuable items
such as laptops and mobile phones, now
have to consider changing their behaviour
to adapt to their child’s development. Doing
so with acceptance and openness will
benefit the child and increase the chances
of a positive and productive future. All
these explorative behaviours are natural in
order to learn about life, as is the feedback
the actions provoke. How we react
to the child’s choices makes the world of
difference to his development. If we give
children chances to explore safely, they
develop a sense of self worth and become
able to make good sensible decisions for
themselves. It is confidence building and
gives the child a positive outlook on life.
If we manage the environment to make
choices available within safe boundaries,
the child will have more opportunities to
develop a positive attitude within himself
and towards those he comes in contact
with in the future. Later on in life, they are
more likely to make good choices even
though the boundaries are no longer in
evidence. Obviously, if we are too cautious
or rigid in setting boundaries, the child is
then over-protected and doesn’t learn, and
may grow up clingy, needy and with little
confidence. He may also be unwilling to
try anything new because he hasn’t the
appropriate skills to cope. On the other
hand, he may rebel and try everything
without awareness of what is appropriate
and socially unacceptable.
If not given the chance to practice making
appropriate decisions when young, a
person will often make poor decisions in
later life.
Use of sensible boundaries, planning,
management, prevention and guidance
will maintain a good, positive relationship
for both child and parent. Parenting that
uses commands, punishment, control
and other restrictive methods promotes
negativity, reactivity or a compliant child
who is too eager to please and unable to
speak up for himself for fear of making a
mistake. In such cases, the parent-child
relationship may deteriorate with the child
unable to trust or becoming over-reliant on
the parent. Parenting that sets unrealistic
boundaries or ones that change to suit the
parents’ mood also invites problems. The
child never knows where he is, what to
and what not to do.
Dealing with the earlier cupboard situation
could be as simple as removing the items
that are unsafe or of value and putting
them out of the child’s reach, temporarily,
until the child has the capacity to be guided
to knowing what is safe and what isn’t.
Alternative play objects can replace those
which have been removed. These can
be other household items that the child
has little experience of and is allowed to
explore: pots, pans, wooden spoons, rolling
pins, plastic mugs, cushions and every
now and then things that are a little more
A boundary (gate, harness along with a long lead) gives both dogs a choice of
being able to walk away, security and a safe way of meeting. Encourages a
positive, safe introduction without putting either dog at risk.
challenging. Generally, but depending on
the individual and item, children prefer to
have things that we use as opposed to a
toy equivalent. However, some replicas
are very realistic and give the child a taste
of what it is really like to have them, a mobile
phone for example. Perhaps parents
also need to reduce their habits, such as
putting in their own boundaries of where
and when they can use their phone, and
limiting its use, though still not preventing
it totally so that the child still has the opportunity
to learn that it is not their toy.
We need to take responsibility for our
prized possessions and store them out of
the way, and mainly use them at the times
when the child is not around. By organising
ourselves and limiting use in the child’s
presence in the short term, they can learn
that it is okay for mum or dad to use these
items without their involvement. For this to
have the best chance of working, choose
a time when the child is calm and most
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