My Partner’s Lost IN THE PAST Sixties nostalgia began when she started buying <strong>and</strong> selling vintage clothes <strong>and</strong> jewellery online, <strong>and</strong> for a while it turned into a bit of an obsession,” Jamie explains. But Jamie became concerned when Mimi gradually lost interest in her hobby <strong>and</strong> found nothing new to replace it. “These days she just watches reruns of 1960s films <strong>and</strong> TV shows on YouTube, while I prefer to get out of the house <strong>and</strong> see something new. Mimi often talks about her childhood as being a happy time, so perhaps that’s why she wants to escape into the past. I just wish I could persuade her to take more interest in the present.” The nature of nostalgia Do you listen to Spotify while your partner still enjoys scratchy cassette recordings? Do you bristle each time he or she switches on the Yesterday channel, or counts out loose change instead of using a contactless card? Age affects people in different ways <strong>and</strong> if you’re a forwardlooking person who is willing to embrace change, it can be frustrating when your partner seems happier living in the past. If you can both laugh off your differences <strong>and</strong> set them aside, there’s no problem, but if your partner’s behaviour starts to affect your lifestyle as a couple, it could be a red flag for your relationship. Not going out Mary Adebusi-Jones, aged 58, used to work in the fashion industry <strong>and</strong> still likes to keep up to date with current trends. Now semi-retired, she enjoys spending time with younger people as a member of a local rock choir. Although Mary’s husb<strong>and</strong> Stephen is actually two years younger, she feels his behaviour <strong>and</strong> outlook is typical of someone much older. “In his younger days, Steve always wanted to hear the latest b<strong>and</strong>, try different foods <strong>and</strong> travel to new places, but all that stopped when he reached the age of 45. These days he prefers to stay in, listening to the same music he played when he was young. He even moans when I suggest something different, like trying out a new recipe.” Mary admits she finds Steve’s lack of interest in the world of today hard to take. “He seems stuck in a rut of his own making. There are moments when I look at him <strong>and</strong> think ‘why can’t I have the old Steve back?’” A victim of vintage? That’s a familiar story for Jamie Barber, who has lived with his partner Mimi for the past twenty-five years. “Mimi’s interest in It’s difficult to watch a partner who was once positive, optimistic <strong>and</strong> adventurous lose those qualities as they age: clinging on to a familiar past instead of enjoying the present. For those people nostalgia becomes a kind of safety blanket: a protective space where they can hide from the stresses <strong>and</strong> strains of today’s fastpaced world. While it’s easy to accuse them of being ‘stuck in a rut’, a psychiatrist may take a different view. If your partner is displaying symptoms such as low energy <strong>and</strong> general loss of pleasure in everyday life, it’s possible they are suffering from a condition called dysthymia. Also known as ‘Persistent Depressive Disorder’ <strong>and</strong> closely related to depression, this condition can last for years <strong>and</strong>, thanks to its undramatic symptoms, often goes undiagnosed. A person with dysthymia might suffer from low self-esteem, show little interest in daily activities <strong>and</strong> seem irritable <strong>and</strong> ‘down’ much of the time. Avoiding social activities, not getting minor tasks done <strong>and</strong> losing concentration are also signs of this condition. The good news is that it can be relieved by a combination of talking therapy <strong>and</strong> medication. Learning to enjoy the present So what can you do if you suspect that your partner is suffering from low-level depression? Giving them an opportunity to talk to you freely about any concerns or worries may be all that’s needed to kick-start the change <strong>and</strong> help them enjoy life again. But if you genuinely believe that your partner’s mental health is at risk, you should encourage them to contact a GP. Alternatively you could find help at Age UK, which runs a free counselling service throughout the UK. Call Age UK’s helpline on 0800 678 1602 to locate a counsellor near you, or visit their website at ageuk.org.uk. Whoever came up with the wise old adage “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present!” seems to have understood the importance of looking forward, rather than living in the past. While most people enjoy looking back at their past experiences, the trouble starts when reminiscence becomes a substitute for real life. If you can communicate that message to your partner, there’s a chance it could transform both your lives for the better. by Kate McLell<strong>and</strong> 82
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