C M Y K 38 — Vanguard, WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2019 Should I show this video to his wife? Dear Bunmi, I am fed up with my boyfriend’s unreasonable behaviour. I knew he was married when we met and all I <strong>want</strong>ed was a fair share of his time, not marriage. Instead, all I get are snatched moments with him; all the time telling me he had to lie to his wife to be with me. This has really pissed me off. He always tells me he loves me, but I suspect he tells me that My 'lost' father <strong>want</strong>s to be part of my wedding Dear Bunmi, My mother and I returned to Nigeria when I was five, after a bitter divorce. My dad remained abroad and we rarely heard from him. Mum later met and married another man who raised me and my brother as his own. We have two half siblings. Growing up, I always dreamt of this society wedding I often read about in the soft sell. Late last year, my boyfriend of four years proposed to me and we’ve planned a December wedding. My parents have offered to pay for part of the wedding, but as none of us has much money in savings, we had settled for a small wedding and reception. Then out of the blues, my real father got in touch. He said he’d heard I was getting married and <strong>want</strong>ed to help. He’s offered to pay for the whole wedding, and said money was no problem. I talked to my mum, who said we could accept the offer if we <strong>want</strong>ed to. My fiance and I don’t know what to do. The money would certainly give us the wedding of our so as to get me into bed. Unknown to him, I once used my phone to record us having sex. If I forward this to his wife, she probably would end the marriage. This way, he would have more time for me, or what do you think? Anna, by e-mail. Dear Anna, Even if your man’s wife ends her marriage because of this nasty video of yours, it doesn’t mean he’s going to come running to you. He is likely to be so angry that he could end your relationship. Besides, wives seldom pack their bags these days just because of an affair. They prefer to give their marriage all the chances it deserves. If your lover were to leave his wife, he would have done that without your help. So, the chances are he is only interested in you as a bit on the side. Seriously though, why would you <strong>want</strong> to be with a man who lies and deceives his wife? He could easily lie and deceive you too. Don’t waste any more time on him. Instead, look for a decent man to share your life with. Your real father has played no part in your upbringing. Why should he be given the chance to steal all the glory? The best weddings are the ones where the bride and groom are so filled with love that it is infections. Your mum and step dad are the ones who have been there for you throughout your life, not your dad. Would she return to her ex-husband? Dear Bunmi, I met my current girlfriend three years ago, after she’d been let down by her exhusband. She said he told her that their marriage was a mistake, and just took off. For two years she didn’t even know where he was. Now he’s shown up again. Since then, she’s been distant and less keen on our relationship. A few nights ago, she went out and came home at 3a.m. She said she was with friends, but I’m sure she was with dreams, but I know that my mum and stepfather would be hurt. Do you think I should take the money? Anita, by e-mail. Dear Anita, Any dark clouds on the day you get married should be avoided. Your real father has played no part in your upbringing. Why should he be given the chance to steal all the glory and have everyone thanking him for a great party? The best weddings are often not in posh event-centres with fancy food and free booze. They’re the ones where the bride and him. Does our relationship stand a chance? I’m really upset by this development. Michael, by e-mail. Dear Michael, It is often very difficult to get over your first love and, right now, your girlfriend is confused. Her behaviour might look suspicious but you need to trust her. Give her space, but let her know you’re willing to listen whenever she feels like talking. If she keeps on giving you the cold shoulder, try initiating the talk groom are so filled with love that it is infections. You’ve already had a word with your mum and drawn the conclusion that she would be unhappy if you went for the money. Your mum and step dad are the ones who have been there for you throughout your life, not your dad. Have the small wedding you’ve planned, with the people you love around you. If your real dad has money to throw around, let him know it wouldn’t be used for the wedding. That way, he might stay back and not steal your step dad’s 'thunder' on your wedding day. and let her know you understand why she’s confused. Just bear in mind that no matter how much you hate this man, you should try to avoid being too critical or angry with him, or your girlfriend won’t feel she can open up to you. The man broke her heart once and left her in the lurch. Trusting that kind of man again takes a lot of courage. Be patient and, with time, your girl might get over her confusion. I need to get my boobs back in shape Dear Bunmi, I am 28, and just had my first child. To my horror, I discovered my boobs have sagged since I gave birth. My husband has even noticed this and I am desperate to get them back in shape. Is there anything I can do, or should I consider plastic surgery? Franka, by e-mail. Dear Franka, Breasts are fat and milk producing gland tissues. They are held up by ligaments that stretch as your breasts grow during pregnancy. They rarely return to their previous sizes, afterwards. Exercise, such as swimming, can help. You will do well to invest in some confidence-boosting bras. Plastic surgery is a bit drastic and very expensive. Also, there is no guarantee that in a few years you might not need another. My girl is a chain-smoker! Dear Bunmi, My girlfriend of two years smokes like the proverbial chimney. She was a smoker when I met her, a habit she picked up abroad when she was a student. I hate her smoking, as I’ve never touched the stuff. Not only does the smell put me off, she’s so addicted that it interferes with our relationship. Immediately sex is over, she lights up instead of cuddling up to me. Even when we’re relaxing in front of the telly, she’s always getting up to go outside and smoke. As a result, we seldom snuggle up to each other on the sofa. Apart from this irritation, I also worry about her health. She’s the type of girl I would like to get married to, but I don’t <strong>want</strong> to spend my life surrounded by smoke, or marry someone who's likely to get sick from too much smoking. I’ve asked her to stop, but she won’t. She. instead, reminds me that she was a smoker when we met. Anything else I can do? Goriola, by e-mail. Dear Goriola, When you asked her to stop, how did you put it? There’s an enormous difference between being really concerned and being irritated. Telling her how much you hate smoking is just going to make her stressed which, in turn, will make her <strong>want</strong> to smoke even more. If, however, you sat down with her and said you <strong>want</strong> to spend the rest of your life with her, but desperately worried about her health, you might get through to her. A lot of smokers are aware it’s bad for them and repulsive to those around them. They would really love to stop smoking, but are caught up in a powerful addiction and feel powerless to even try. Let her be aware of the practical things she can do to make giving up the habit less scary than she thinks. Some reputable chemists have very effective drugs to suppress the urge to smoke, amongst which are nicotine replacement aids like patches. You need to work with your partner to beat this habit. Giving her encouragement for cutting down or quitting, rather than grieve when or if she fails...you may gef somewhere. Very few smokers are more committed to the cigarettes than someone they love dearly. So, if you’re patient and work together towards a quitting plan she’s comfortable with, she may give up smoking altogether. Shouldn’t my siblings do more for our parents? Dear Bunmi, I am the eldest of three children, with a brother and a much younger sister. Our parents are in their early 70’s and it seems whenever they need something sorted out in their homes, whether it is health scare or a faulty electricity connection, everyone assumes I should do it, even though I have young children of my own, and both my siblings live closer to our parents than I do. Even at landmark birthdays, I’m expected to play the leading role. How can I get them to take more responsibility? Adesuwa, by e-mail. Dear Adesuwa, Traditionally, the eldest child is often expected to look after everyone else. Your siblings might not necessarily be selfish and demanding. You’re all obviously falling into patterns and expectations set by the past. Your brother probably got away with not doing his share because he’s male and, maybe, it’s now up to you to change things. Tell your parents and your siblings that, from now on, your own family’s needs come first. The calmer and more straight forward you are, the more likely it is that your decision will be accepted without a fuss, once they get used to the idea. Share your problems and release your burden. Write now to Dear Bunmi, Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk
Vanguard, WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2019—39
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