Harbinger: A Journal of Art & Literature | 2018-2019

her more than I ever had or could. After that, I couldn’t bear to speak to her or look at
her again. All I could do now was look at her sadly, longing to go back to a time where
she had never spoken those words.
“There has to be some reason. You always came up with these wild excuses about
how busy you were with your relationship or things you were doing. I mean, come on.
We used to hang out all the time and then all of a sudden you’re always busy?” Her eyes
were burning with anger and sadness, a familiar look. I had seen her look this way every
time her mom had yelled at her, and I had seen this look every time another one of her
boyfriends left her, betrayed her, or worse. My chest felt tight knowing that I was causing
her similar pain.
“I—“ The words caught in my throat again. I cleared it and started once more. “Aurora,
I just… I was busy. I had been getting really serious with Daniel, so that meant two
holidays instead of just one. And school is a burden, and my parents were moving, and
my grandma’s health is failing… My life had gotten so chaotic. I just couldn’t keep up.”
More excuses. I fed her more excuses, the same excuses I had been feeding her for years
just to keep her from the truth.
“I mean look, I get it, but you used to always have time for your best friend. And then
all of a sudden it seemed like you had none. It really hurt.” I watched those beautiful
brown lips of hers as she took an angry bite out of her taco. I swallowed hard. All of
those old feelings were coming back, and I thought of that one night, 3 years back now,
where she had sat in my room, crying. Her mom had said something or other to her, and
her heart was damaged once again. I remember holding her in my arms, her head resting
on my chest, and my heart pounding in my chest. When she looked up at me and asked
me if life was still worth living, I looked into those tear-filled eyes and wanted to kiss
her so desperately it hurt. I wanted to press my lips against hers, taste her sorrows, and
tell her that she should live for me, for my love. Tell her that I thought she was the most
beautiful and amazing girl in the entire world. But all I could do was smile and say that
of course it was, because we were best friends and I couldn’t live without her; half-truths
that I had been telling her for years.
“I think I was just lost,” I glanced around the Taco Bell, now trying to avoid her
piercing gaze. “Lost in that relationship with Daniel, struggling to take care of him and
barely taking care of myself. Things are better now though, without him that is. I know
that I missed out on the most important parts of your life. Your daughter was born and I
never met her. She’s what, a little over one year old now? I’ve missed her birthday, and I
always promised that I would be there for your children. So I’m really sorry. I’ve failed as
a friend.” Tears welled up in my eyes. This was as honest as I could be with her. I would
never tell her that I loved her, but at least I could give her some insight into how terribly
distraught I was that I’ve missed years of her life. I didn’t even know who she was any
more. I missed her, but at the same time knew that I could never love her or be with her
like I was before.
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