25112020 - Selfish Northerners opposing restructuring, says el-Rufai

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Vanguard, WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2020 — 25
I can’t handle my violent
wife
Dear Bunmi,
My wife has always been
very possessive and hates me
going out without her, even
before we got married nine
years ago. Recently, though,
her jealousy has become so
bad that the rows have turned
violent. If I talk to another
woman at a party, she kicks
me viciously under the table,
and when we get back home,
she attacks me. I try to fend
her off, but it is difficult, as
she is bigger than me.
I have teeth marks and other
bruises, and it’s difficult
coming up with a story
explaining my wounds that
my workmates would believe.
I’ve also have a nasty gash at
the back of my neck, after she
pushed me backwards off my
chair. I’ve tried talking to her
but she wouldn’t listen, and
He’s adamant he doesn’t want a
third wife
Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been with my partner
for almost eight years. He is
a fairly successful
businessman and was
married twice. His two wives
don’t live with him.
He’s told me from the word
go that he was not keen on
living with a woman. I live
in my own house and he is
supportive.
My rival's a sugar-mommy
Dear Bunmi,
I knew my boyfriend was
romantically linked to a
fashion designer, almost 16
years his senior, when I met
him. He was a widower and
his lover visited as often as
she could because she was
married.
As compensation, she was
financially responsible for
virtually everything he had -
Domestic
violence against
men is one of
the last taboos,
but it’s a
growing
problem.
You need to let
your wife see
she’s killing
your marriage.
Make it clear
that you will end
the marriage
and, if she
won’t change,
pack your bags
and leave
I have a son and would
want, at least, a child now
that I’m approaching 40. He
said he would go along with
me having his child but he’s
not getting married to any
woman again. Do you think
he will change his mind?
I don’t really mind being a
third wife.
Nike, by e-mail.
Dear Nike,
After eight years together,
the bed, his clothes and
second hand car.
After I met him, we started
meeting fairly regularly and
I even stayed over in his flat
from time to time.
He made it clear, though,
that he was very fond of this
older woman and wouldn’t
want to hurt her. I asked him
if he didn’t want to remarry,
and he said 'not in the
You knew this man was
involved with an older woman
when you met him, and now
he’s not ready to sacrifice his
cushy existence for a permanent
relationship with you. You could
either stay for the fling or find
another man who'll be proud of
a relationship with you.
the violence is getting worse.
I’m afraid she might really
hurt me one of these days.
What else do you think I can
do?
Steve, by e-mail.
Dear Steve,
Domestic violence against
men is one of the last taboos,
but it’s a growing problem.
You need to let your wife see
she’s killing your marriage,
and she must seek help for
her anger and jealousy. Make
it clear that you will end the
marriage if she attacks you
again. In the meantime, you
have to let a few of her
relatives know what danger
your life is in.
If she won’t change, pack
your bags and leave, albeit
temporarily. If that doesn’t
work, then I’m afraid you
have to make an alternate
plan, so you could have a
stress-free life.
there’s absolutely no chance
your partner is going to
change his mind. He’s been
honest with you from the
start that this is the type of
life he intends to live.
Can you live with this? You
have for the past eight years,
though a lot of women
looking for better
commitments would have
given him his marching
orders.
immediate future'. I have seen
this woman and she’s not half
as pretty as I am.
What in God’s name does he
see in her to prefer hurting me
like this?
Bussy, by e-mail.
Dear Bussy,
It has been established that
a lot of men in relationships
with much older women are
sometimes the ones who find
it difficult to make decisions
and take responsibilities for
themselves.
They’re happy to let an older
woman do it for them, just like
their mum did. You knew this
man was involved with an
older woman when you met
him, and now he’s not ready
to sacrifice his cushy
existence for a permanent
relationship with you. You
could either stay for the fling
or find another man who cares
enough for you to be proud of
a relationship with you.
My teenage daughter is
sexting!
Dear Bunmi,
I have two teenage girls
aged 17 and 14. Recently, I
was contacted by the principal
of my youngest daughter’s
school and told she had been
sending explicit photos and
texts to boys in her class. She
has been suspended, but I’m
at a loss as to how to deal
with this at home. Any ideas
as to how to approach this
without her feeling she
behaved like a tramp.
Joyce, by e-mail.
Dear Joyce,
You need to keep her off
school for a while and seek
counselling. There are a lot of
information on-line; all you
have to do is hit your google
button for useful information
and advice. Using this as
basis, talk to your daughter
about the dangers of what
she’d done and how to be
strong enough not to make the
same mistake again.
Hopefully, there would be no
repercussions for her or any
of the other children
involved.
My husband says he wants a
break
Dear Bimmi,
My husband and I began
trying for a baby when we got
married three years ago. I fell
pregnant immediately, but
miscarried a few weeks later.
Sadly, my second and third
pregnancies also resulted in
miscarriages. I want us to try
for another baby straightaway,
but my husband says he
needs a break - not just from
the baby stuff, but from me as
well.
I feel as though my whole
world is falling apart,
especially when I heard from
the grapevine that an old
girlfriend is expecting his
child.
Mariam, by e-mail.
Dear Mariam,
You need to have an urgent
talk with your husband with
a mediator present.
It’s no secret that there are
some men who equate
successful marriage with
babies, just as there are
women who find it difficult to
stay with men who couldn’t
give them children, either
because of a low sperm count
or erectile failure. Your
husband would be hedging
his bet if it’s true he’s
expecting a child by another
woman.
It’s too early to be throwing
away a marriage, but it
happens. You need your
peace of mind back and you
need to find out from your
doctor why you seem to be
having these miscarriage.
The solution could be a
medical problem that could be
easily fixed.
Seriously though you must
reconsider your future with a
husband who leaves you in
the lurch at the sight of
emotional problems.
Why is he sending love texts
to his ex?
Dear Bunmi,
I recently had to use my
boyfriend’s mobile, with his
consent, but curiously peeped
through his messages. To my
horror, I discovered he’d been
sending steamy texts to a
woman called Jakie. He said
she’s an ex when I confronted
him, and the texts are just
their way of communicating.
This still sounds far-fetched to
me. What do you think?
Dami, by e-mail.
Dear Dami,
It’s obvious you don’t trust
this man of yours or you
The solution could
be a medical
problem that could
be easily fixed.
Seriously though
you must
reconsider your
future with a
husband who
leaves you in the
lurch at the sight
of emotional
problems
wouldn’t be scrolling through
his messages. You don’t
believe his excuse and now
he can’t trust you not to peep
at his private messages. The
tone of these texts appears
suspicious, though.
Ex-girlfriends should be in
the past and any talk should
be friendly, not using the
language of lovers.
If you can’t genuinely
believe what he’s telling
you then your relationship
isn’t that solid. It is now up
to you really; either you
give him the benefit of the
doubt or you find a
different partner who'll
make you feel secure.
Share your problems and release
your burden. Write now to
Dear Bunmi,
Vanguard Newspapers,
P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or
bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk