Amber Issue 1 - Feb 21

for a while. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I just wanted you to know.” Hesitant
pause. “Do you want to go out with me some time?”
Before That Day, and before the announcement her parents have just dumped on her,
Megan would have almost definitely said yes. Kieran is Class Monitor, good at Chemistry
(unlike Megan), and is in the school soccer team. While the friends he keeps are
questionable, Kieran keeps them in check for the most part. Before That Day, Megan had
liked Kieran, too.
Megan doesn’t look up. Everything in her wants to say yes. Kieran is genuinely one of
the nicest boys she knows, always helping her out with Chemistry over Skype. It really
wouldn’t hurt.
But is it really about what doesn’t hurt, or what eventually will, even if it doesn’t now?
(Mel’s first relationship happened in Sec. 4. His name was Ting En, and they’d dated
for nine months—pretty long for a secondary school relationship. Megan had met him
once, and she’d watched him watch Mel exist with stars in his eyes. According to Mel,
he’d brought her out for ice cream every week. The one time they spent Valentines’ Day
together, Mel came home with a bouquet of lilacs.
When they broke up, Megan had asked why. It didn’t make sense: Ting En had looked
at Mel like she’d personally hung the moon in the sky for him, and done everything in
his power to make her happy. Mel had been happy. Except then, when Megan had asked
for a reason, Mel had sighed, heavy. “I thought being in love could teach me how to love
myself,” she whispered, small, words violet in the lamplight. “I was wrong.”
A sad ballad had played in the background, and Megan had chosen not to ask any more
questions: not because she didn’t want the answers, but because Mel didn’t have them
either.)
“I’m sorry,” Megan hears herself utter, eyes trained on her sneakers. She means it.
In front of her, Kieran hangs his head slightly, hair flopping in front of his eyes. Megan
almost reaches out to fix them for him. “It’s alright. I understand. We’re still friends,
right?”
Numb. “Yeah, if you want.”
Silence. When Megan looks up again, she is alone.
Sometimes, when it’s been an especially bad day, Megan goes into Mel’s room, despite
Mel’s glaring un-presence. Now, feeling like she’s carrying the world on her back, Megan
walks in one day and shuts the door.
*
They never really cleared it out—the typical grieving family thing to do. When she steps
in, the air is musty. Mel’s table is practically overflowing with stacks of textbooks and
lecture notes, and there’s a peeling poster of a Korean boy group on the wall. X1. Thebed
is still immaculately made, even though there’s a layer of dust on the flowery bed sheets.
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