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Vanguard Newspapers 21 February 2021

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SUNDAY VANGUARD, FEBRUARY 21, 2021, PAGE 17<br />

Must you confess to an affair?<br />

Most people want to<br />

keep their affair secret<br />

because they want to have both<br />

the marriage and the affair.<br />

According to Zelda West-<br />

Meads in her book: The<br />

Trouble With You: “Many<br />

people claim that an affair<br />

helps sustain their marriage,<br />

or provides a part of their<br />

needs that are not being met<br />

in the marriage. They are<br />

unhappily married, and they<br />

may recognize that the person<br />

with whom they are having the<br />

affair is not offering what they<br />

want on a full-time basis, but<br />

just providing something<br />

which is important at the time.<br />

There are some people who<br />

want their affair to be<br />

discovered, as a way of<br />

signalling to their partner that<br />

for them, the marriage is over.<br />

Or there are some people who<br />

want the affair to be<br />

discovered because of their<br />

guilt. They believe, foolishly,<br />

that if they tell their partner –<br />

and this is usually at the time<br />

when the affair is moving to<br />

an end or has just ended – they<br />

will be forgiven.<br />

But life is not like that and<br />

their partner is not into<br />

forgiveness at this stage – it’s<br />

too soon. So, the person who<br />

confessed, far from being<br />

forgiven, suddenly finds they<br />

are on the receiving end of<br />

outrage, anger, hurt, or even<br />

the desire to murder or destroy<br />

their partner or the other<br />

person involved. The desire<br />

to confess can be a selfish act<br />

if all you are trying to do is<br />

relieve your guilt. But if your<br />

partner suspects that you are<br />

having an affair, and insists<br />

they want to know the truth, it<br />

is fairer to admit it.<br />

If, on the other hand, an<br />

affair is over, and particularly<br />

if it is in the past, there is little<br />

point in suddenly telling your<br />

partner all about it, because<br />

for them, it will not feel over<br />

at all. Not only will this hurt<br />

them deeply, but they will want<br />

to know all about it. Equally,<br />

a one-night stand or a brief<br />

but regrettable encounter,<br />

would be deeply upsetting.<br />

Whichever way you look at<br />

it, discovery of an affair really<br />

does shake most marriages to<br />

their foundations. Some fall<br />

apart, others grind on<br />

unhappily, or continue and<br />

then break up several years<br />

later. Others, however, can<br />

recover and can end up being<br />

stronger and more loving than<br />

before the affair – although<br />

for most couples, this is a long,<br />

painful journey.<br />

Can the marriage be rebuilt<br />

after an affair? “If you<br />

really want to rebuild the<br />

marriage, and you’re both<br />

committed to this, it is<br />

possible, although not easy”,<br />

says the author. “It takes time<br />

and a great deal of talking.<br />

The person who has not had<br />

the affair usually needs to talk<br />

much more than the<br />

unfaithful partner tends not to<br />

want to be questioned about<br />

the details of the affair. They<br />

see a fresh start as a way to<br />

put the affair behind them and<br />

get on with repairing the<br />

‘marriage’. But their partner<br />

has to be given time and the<br />

opportunity to express<br />

negative feelings of hurt,<br />

disbelief, anger, grief, rejection<br />

and loss of confidence and<br />

self-esteem. As well as this,<br />

some questions have to be<br />

answered honestly. Who the<br />

affair was with, how long it<br />

had been going on, who else<br />

knows, when they met, and<br />

what the affair meant to them.<br />

This is painful to hear, but if it<br />

remains unsaid, it gives their<br />

partner no chance to deal with<br />

what has been going on.<br />

What is usually not a good<br />

idea, however, is to talk about<br />

intimate sexual details,<br />

because these can really stay<br />

in the mind of your partner<br />

and haunt them for years. So,<br />

when they ask, as most do, it<br />

is kinder not to be explicit. If<br />

you say too much, it can get in<br />

the way in the future,<br />

particularly when making<br />

love. It takes time for these<br />

memories to fade.<br />

The next state in the<br />

recovery process is moving<br />

from the recriminations to<br />

starting to look at what went<br />

wrong and what led to the<br />

affair. This is often<br />

particularly difficult for the<br />

partner who has not had the<br />

affair. For them, it is often<br />

easier to stick with the thought<br />

that it’s all their partner ’s<br />

fault and to go on blaming<br />

them, rather than looking<br />

at what they might have<br />

contributed. It is only by<br />

discussing what was going<br />

on before the affair that<br />

you can begin to<br />

understand each other and<br />

then painfully and slowly<br />

start to rebuild your<br />

relationship.<br />

What about making love<br />

again? West-Meads<br />

believes it is usually better<br />

not to rush into making<br />

love too quickly after the<br />

discovery of an affair.<br />

Some couples do so<br />

because the person who has<br />

not been unfaithful and<br />

want their partner to stay,<br />

feels it is a way of keeping<br />

them or repairing the<br />

relationship. It’s more<br />

often a woman who thinks<br />

this. She sees it as a way of<br />

showing she still loves her<br />

partner, or as a way to<br />

compete with the mistress.<br />

It usually does not work.<br />

This is because the man is<br />

missing his mistress,<br />

feeling guilty, or both,<br />

which can result in loss of<br />

interest in sex or the loss of<br />

an erection, which then<br />

feels like further rejection<br />

to the woman. Or the<br />

woman is too plagued by<br />

thoughts of the mistress, or<br />

the relationship is still too<br />

tentative. Either way, both<br />

of you can end up getting<br />

hurt.<br />

So for both sexes, if you<br />

do make love fairly soon<br />

after the discovery of an<br />

affair, it may be all right<br />

but you are more likely to<br />

think of what your partner<br />

might have been doing with<br />

their mistress or lover.<br />

These flash-backs are<br />

always possible, but they do<br />

fade and die. However, in the<br />

early days, the memory or the<br />

imagination are likely to be<br />

very vivid and do not help the<br />

recovery process. It is better<br />

for most people to allow time<br />

for trust to be rebuilt before<br />

love again.<br />

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Dear readers, please note that we neither operate, nor are we an affiliate of any match–making agency in or outside the<br />

country. Any reader who transacts business with any one claiming to be our agent does so at his/her own risk. Our mission<br />

is only to provide a platform for social networking.<br />

Also note that neither Vanguard, nor Yetunde Arebi will be liable for any error in the publication of requests which may<br />

result in any form of embarrassment to any member of the public. We therefore request that text must be sent through at least<br />

one of the numbers for contact. This notice is necessary to enable us serve you better in our refreshingly different style. You<br />

can send your requests to 33055. For enquiries, text or call 08026651636, or 08054700825<br />

Coca-Cola Foundation awards $85,000 grant<br />

to Aid for Rural Education Access Initiative<br />

By Josephine Agbonkhese<br />

The<br />

Coca-Cola<br />

Foundation, TCCF, has<br />

awarded a grant of $85,000<br />

to a non-governmental<br />

organisation, Aid for Rural<br />

Education Access Initiative,<br />

AREAi.<br />

According to the Public<br />

Affairs, Communications &<br />

Sustainability Manager,<br />

Coca-Cola Nigeria Limited,<br />

Nwamaka Onyemelukwe, the<br />

grant will be used to curb<br />

plastic pollution in six states<br />

across the federation, through<br />

recovery and repurposing of<br />

600 tons of PET Bottles in 12<br />

months.<br />

Speaking to Vanguard,<br />

Gideon Olanrewaju, Founder,<br />

AREAi, said beneficiaries of<br />

the project will include over<br />

60 communities in the Federal<br />

Capital Territory, Yobe, Kano,<br />

Kaduna, Kwara and Oyo<br />

states, where periodic recycling<br />

activities will take place and over 300<br />

women will be recruited as waste<br />

pickers and sorters.<br />

"These female waste collectors will<br />

be trained on financial literacy and<br />

environmental safety practices,<br />

equipped with Personal Protective<br />

Equipment, PPE, and empowered<br />

through a trash-for-cash recovery<br />

scheme.<br />

"Recycling stations would be<br />

instituted across these states, with<br />

public recycling bins also distributed<br />

to strategic locations to drive<br />

effective recycling processes and<br />

activities in the various<br />

communities," he explained.<br />

Reiterating Coca-Cola's<br />

commitment towards addressing the<br />

issue of plastic pollution,<br />

Onyemelukwe said: "Coca-Cola<br />

remains committed to addressing the<br />

issue of plastic pollution across the<br />

world. Our vision for a World Without<br />

Waste focuses on recycling and<br />

behavioural-change initiatives.<br />

Peaceful coexistence: Uvwie monarch<br />

lauds Arewa community<br />

His Royal Majesty<br />

Emmanuel Ekemejewa<br />

Sideso, Abe 1, the Ovie of Uvwie<br />

Kingdom has commended Arewa<br />

people in Uvwie kingdom for<br />

their peaceful and friendly<br />

disposition since he ascended the<br />

throne.<br />

The Uvwie monarch made the<br />

commendation in his remarks at<br />

his 13th coronation anniversary,<br />

noting that Arewa people under<br />

the leadership of Alhaji Suleiman<br />

Jauro had always identified with<br />

his palace and indeed the<br />

kingdom in ceremonial activities<br />

in wonderful ways.<br />

The traditional ruler also noted<br />

that there had never been issues of<br />

menace of herdsmen or clashes<br />

between Arewa people and his<br />

subjects under the Arewa<br />

leadership of Alhaji Jauro in<br />

Uvwie kingdom.<br />

While assuring Arewa people<br />

and other non indigenes of their<br />

peaceful stay in Uvwie, Abe 1<br />

urged the Arewa community and<br />

other non indigenes to sustain their<br />

cordial relationship with the Uvwie<br />

people.<br />

Alhaji Jauro, the Arewa leader<br />

in Uvwie, in a chat with our<br />

correspondent shortly after the<br />

event, expressed delight over the<br />

remarks of the Uvwie monarch,<br />

vowing that the remarks would<br />

spur them to build more cordial<br />

relationship with Uvwie people.<br />

While pledging his continued<br />

loyalty to the Ovie of Uvwie<br />

kingdom on behalf of the Arewa<br />

people in the area, Alhaji Jauro<br />

remarked that the Uvwie monarch<br />

has always carried the Arewa<br />

people along in his rulership of<br />

Uvwie kingdom.<br />

"That is why we always feel at<br />

home. We pray that Allah should<br />

blessed him (Abe1)with more<br />

peaceful and prosperous reign, " he<br />

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Eko Club: Again, Fanimokun<br />

wins at Appeal Court<br />

The Court of Appeal, Lagos, has<br />

dismissed the case filed by the Eko<br />

Club Board of Trustees and Guardian<br />

Council of Eko Club <strong>against</strong> Chief<br />

Babatunde Fanimokun over his third term<br />

as President of the club. Fanimokun was<br />

the president of Eko Club from February<br />

2017 to February 2019.<br />

However, his attempt to vie for a third<br />

term was opposed by Eko Club and the<br />

Guardian Council. Meanwhile, the Club<br />

and Council brought a candidate, Dr.<br />

Shamsideen Dosumu as their preferred<br />

choice.<br />

The Federal High Court, Lagos, presided<br />

over by Justice C. J. Aneke, on Monday,<br />

March 9, 2020, held that Fanimokun has<br />

every right to vie for selection as the<br />

President for a third consecutive year.<br />

But the Board of Trustees and Guardian<br />

Council challenged the judgment at the<br />

Court of Appeal.<br />

In her ruling on Wednesday, February 17,<br />

2021, Justice Otisi, dismissed the appeal<br />

and upheld the judgment of the lower<br />

court.

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