2019 Issue 6 Nov/Dec - Focus Mid-South Magazine

...I didn’t allow myself to crush
on her. I avoided her like the
plague. I was so deep in denial
I wouldn’t let myself think
about why I was avoiding her.
heteronormative crushes. I
would mentally list the pros
and cons of the boys in my
classes and decide who would
fill the position best. When I
bring this up to people now
they find it hilarious, but at the
time I assumed it was normal.
It wasn’t until middle school
when I started to realize I
wasn’t straight. I had been told
what to expect from puberty
from my parents, books, and
school and was ready to start
feeling new feelings for boys. I
was not prepared to find
myself instead drawn to my
female classmates. I remember
sitting in class and looking
over to see a girl doodling
flowers in the margins in her
notes and feeling this strange
warm feeling in my chest. I
don’t know if I would say she
was my first real crush since I
was so scared I didn’t allow
myself to crush on her. I
avoided her like the plague. I
was so deep in denial I
wouldn’t let myself think about
why I was avoiding her.
Still, I found myself
increasingly attracted to
women. At some point denial
just wasn’t working. It’s hard
to put into words how scared I
was. I knew the world was
harder for gay people.
Everything in the media had
taught me that the way to be
happy was to find my Prince
Charming and start a family
with him. I didn’t know if I
could ever have a happy family
or even be happy at all. I had a
moment when I wondered, “If I
will never be happy what’s
even the point in living?”
When I think back at those
thoughts, it scares me how
easily it could have been for
my path to have gotten much
darker.
It’s why I often say if it
weren’t for queer
representation I don’t know if I
would still be here today. I
watched queer YouTubers
talking about their life and
being happy, watched movies
and TV that showed happy
gay couples, and connected
with the LGBTQ+ community
online. People try and say that
being gay is a choice, but I can
assure everyone it wasn’t for
me. I never would have
choosen to be gay, which is
why it’s a good thing that I
didn’t get to choose.
Now I am so thankful to be
gay. Pretty much all of my
friends have been made
through the community, I love
being involved in UofM’s
Gender and Sexuality Alliance,
and this year I’m even serving
on the board as the Education
and Development Coordinator.
I’ve become involved with
LGBTQ+ activism and I have an
amazing girlfriend and
supportive family. At times
being a lesbian is hard, but
now instead of thinking of my
sexual orientation as being the
problem I realize it’s that
society still has a lot to learn. I
hope I can help teach them.
Treat / NOV+DEC 2019 / focusmidsouth.com / Page 37