2021 riverrun Final PDF

public lest you inadvertently reveal the true nature of your desire, if you make the
choice to take that step, to pull yourself through the open doorway that looms before
you, to launch yourself into the gushing wind of your heartbeat, to let it be known,
without question, that the person they see before them is the one you want to be
with, the one you want to be, regardless of what others may say or think, only then
can you abandon the futile effort to control the one thing you cannot. So, I jumped.
Or rather, I danced. And it was glorious.
But that was just the beginning.
The validation I experienced on the dancefloor did not immediately carry
over into my public life. While most of my friends were aware of my orientation,
and several were facing the same personal struggle I was fighting, I still hesitated to
discuss it outside of my immediate circle. I avoided asking coworkers about their
relationships for fear that they would do the same in return. Denial, avoidance, and
deception were my friends, but the duplicitous nature of my character directly contradicted
my deeply ingrained instinct to be forthright and honest about myself. I
felt as if I was living a lie that had been forced upon me. It was the very lie I had
lived throughout high school, when I dated girls out of genuine affection but secretly
fantasized about devoting my romantic attention to other guys. It was the lie I had
tried to escape by accepting an offer to attend college out of state.
But my concern over the opinions of my acquaintances at work paled in
comparison to the reaction I feared I would receive when I finally opened up to my
family. My appointment to the Air Force Academy was hailed by my relatives for the
accomplishment it was, and my decision to forgo the honor was met with a great
deal of consternation. I did not explain the reasoning behind my decision because I
still felt that my physical desires were something that could be hidden and eventually
overcome. Any emotional attachments could be ignored or dismissed as inconsequential
and were therefore forgettable. As time progressed, however, and as I began
to realize that the attraction I felt for other men was not something I could
simply wish away, I began to realize that the only way to achieve the freedom I
sought was to accept that there was nothing I could do to change who I am. Part of
that process, the most important but also the most daunting, was finding the courage
to open up and to share it with anybody and everybody I truly cared about. That
process started with coming out to my family, and I knew that at some point I was
going to have to find the courage to jump.
I remember my coming out conversation with my mother clearly. The “Oh,
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