CCChat-Magazine_Issue-26-Trauma-Bonding

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When they talk about walking oneggshells, they’re really trying tointerpret that person - what are theygoing to be like? What mood are theygoing to be in, and how do I preparemyself for that? There are two waysthese kids can look at it, they can lookat it as: my parents or my carer isdangerous and they want to destroyme or they can look at it as my parentslove me and I’m faulty, but if I keepworking towards being good, theymight love me. Which do you thinkwould be an easier construct for a childto think about?M: The second one. My parents loveme, it’s me that’s faulty.K: Yeah. You don’t want to think thatthe person that is holding you andproviding for you and is your supportperson, actually wants to harm you orsee you destroyed in some way, you’drather think you can control it by beingwhat that person wants you to be. Ifyou were everything that that personwanted and you did everything rightthen, potentially, you could win themover. You could make them love you. Itsets up this idea and it is really aneural network, a pathway thatdevelops, that they need to keepworking to get love. Even abusivepeople are not always horrible, peoplearen’t black and white and usually dohave good things about them andthey’ll be in a good mood at times andso the child will work towards thattime when Daddy is in a good mood orMummy’s in a good mood and theythink that that’s what they’re really likeas a person – they are good people andif they do the right thing, that’s the bitof them that will be highlighted. Everytime something goes wrong the childthinks it’s because they’ve donesomething and that’s what it looks likeMaking The Invisible Visible
" It becomes normal for that child to believe that they areshameful and faulty and not as good as everybody else."because the person who is abusingthem will be picking on something thatthey’ve done – you didn’t do this right,you didn’t do that right, I was in a goodmood until you did this.M: You’re the only one who can bringout my bad side, no one else can.K: That’s absolutely right. God, what’swrong with you? Why did you makeme do this to you? It’s that sense ofhow could you do this? Why could youdo this to me? So these kids feel soterrible about themselves – they thinkthat they’re faulty, they’re flawed,shameful. They’ve been humiliated bytheir parent and so they will try and doeverything that is the opposite to that,to try and win their parent over.What we know with abusive parents isthat it doesn’t matter what you end updoing, no matter what this child does,the cycle will always come back towhere they get abused again and sothese kids never really feel that theyhave got it right because you never winwith abusers. It becomes normal forthat child to believe that they areshameful and faulty and not as good aseverybody else, that they’re notloveable so then when an abusive mancomes along, they are prime targetsbecause what the man does is lovebomb that person. They choosesomeone who will fall for them and notquestion them when they throw thisridiculous love at them at thebeginning.Making The Invisible Visible
Page 5: Editor's NotesABOUT THEEDITORMin Gr
Page 10 and 11: it’s that whole thing of where yo
Page 12 and 13: explained well enough how shit they
Page 14 and 15: on a pedestal. In those dreams, I
Page 17 and 18: K: Yeah, it’s much, better to be
Page 19: Everything we do requires a belief
Page 22 and 23: The media hypothesized ElizabethSma
Page 24 and 25: Culturally, everyone around us seem
Page 27 and 28: I believe many lost their will to f
Page 29: That’s something that we don’t
Page 32 and 33: collaborative parenting and childwe
Page 34 and 35: Having one perpetrator is moremanag
Page 37 and 38: because the reality is that mentalh
Page 39 and 40: willingness of the perpetrator to h
Page 41 and 42: the perpetrator, then systems have
Page 43: " The immense trauma of systemic fa

CCChat-Magazine_Issue-26-Trauma-Bonding

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