SEPT 2021 Blues Vol 37 No. 9

The nightmares have all
but disappeared. That darn
jumper and Mohammad Attah,
two faces I can recall in a
split second. I hug my family
a little tighter. I tell them and
my friends that I love them
a bit more and then I fight. I
fight the demons of anger and
cynicism the most. Year after
year they come for me somewhere
around two weeks
before the anniversary date.
Even while using tools like
Eye Movement Desensitization
and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Therapy and stress management
techniques, they are still
able to grab hold. They grab
at my heart and taunt me
with thoughts of defeat. They
whisper, “You’ll never really
be okay.” And “You will never
win.” I pause. I take a deep
breath, and say with a smile, “I
already have.” I remind myself
of my why. Seventeen years
ago, in my basement in the
dark, I did not pull that trigger
pressed against my head
when Post-Traumatic Stress
consumed me. Seventeen
years ago, I made a choice
to stay and fight. To bear the
scars in my brain from September
11th so that others
could learn and benefit from
the pain. It was the most difficult
decision of my life, and in
the end, the most rewarding.
What was born from the
pain is a passion driven
purpose to help others
find a way out of their
darkness and despair. To
educate and help smash
the stigma of Post-Traumatic
Stress that surrounds
first responders
with clear message, “You
are not alone” was the
inspiration for my book,
The Silent Fall: A Secret
Service Agent’s Story of
Tragedy and Triumph
After 9/11.
I am never alone on
September 11th. I purposely
surround myself
with other 9/11 first responders,
and others
who serve, some retired
and some still on the job.
Those people who “get it.”
They get where my head is,
my short temper, my frustrations.
No one tries to fix
anyone. We simply listen
and offer support. We are
united in our grief and determined
to never forget.
On September 11, 2021,
twenty years will have
passed. Although our world
has changed tremendously,
my world, for that one day
is infinitely small. I think
of the words, “United We
Stand,” and find comfort
knowing that at least here,
in my hometown, we will
never forget.
Samantha Horwitz & John
Salerno are regular contributors
to The Blues Police Magazine.
They are the founders of A Badge
of Honor, a 501(c)(3) post-traumatic
stress awareness and
suicide prevention program for
first responders. Sam’s book is
available to purchase online from
every major retailer. John and
Sam host MAD (Making a Difference)
Radio each Wednesday 7pm
cst on FB @Makingadifferencetx.
For more about Sam and John
and the wellness and resiliency
workshops for first responders,
visit ABadgeofHonor.com. Sam’s
book is available online from every
major retailer.
Ready To Serve You
For information contact:
Jim Rodriguez • Law Enforcement Sales Professional • 915-422-6446
FT. WORTH
6201 NE Loop 820
HOUSTON
10310 Wortham Center Dr.
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