Health & Heels - Winter 2021-2022

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STAFF 

Tanya Rosen Editor In Chief 

Basya Kovacs Managing Editor 

Moshe Kinderlehrer/The Jewish Link Media Group 

Publishing Consultant & Advisor 

Rachel Herman Assistant Editor 

Basya Kovacs Content Manager 

Yehuda Kovacs Rabbinic Advisor 

Adam Negnewitzky Layout & Design 

Rivky Bergstein Proofreader & Copy Editor 

p36 

NUMEROLOGY AND 

GEMOLOGY 

p16 

SUPER BOWL TIPS 

p48 

SHE'S BOSS 

p46 

WOMEN AND 

FINANCES 


CONTACTS Website: www.healthandheelsmagazine.com | General Information: info@healthandheelsmagazine.com | 

Submissions: submissions@healthandheelsmagazine.com | Letters To The Editor: editor@healthandheelsmagazine.com | 

Advertising: ads@healthandheelsmagazine.com | Address: 3817 13th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11218 | Phone: (844) Tanya-Diet 

Disclaimer: This magazine is for informational purposes only and does not substitute professional or medical advice. 

This magazine may contain sheimos. Please treat with proper respect. 

4

5 

In this issue 

healthandheelsmagazine.com 

p62 

THE DATING 

COACH 

WEIGHS IN 

p66 

CULTIVATING A TRUSTING AND 

WHOLESOME RELATIONSHIP 

WITH OUR CHILDREN 

8 

10 

18 

24 

28 

32 

38 

41 

42 

53 

LETTER FROM THE 

EDITOR 

THE INSIDE SCOOP: 

HOW I MET TANYA 

LET'S GET 

COOKING! 

MY WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY 

BY LEEBA WEIN 

A BITE OF BALANCE 

BY BASYA KOVACS 

SOUL FOOD 

BY AMY LEFCOE 

WINTER FASHION: 

SHIRA ON FRINGE 

MODESTLY YOURS 

BY JEN SHARBANI 

GETTING TO KNOW 

INFLUENCERS ON A WHOLE 

NEW LEVEL: DEVORAH SOROKA 

COFFEE BREAK 

BY KAREN BEHFAR 

p60 

MEANINGFUL 

MARRIAGE MANUAL 

BY DEBBIE 

SELENGUT

Meet the 

Writers 

Karen Behfar 

Malky Blum 

Estee Cohen 

Sara Freed 

Blimie Heller 

Yael Ishakis 

Malka Ismach 

Basya Kovacs 

Amy Lefcoe 

Sunny Levy 

Elana Mizrahi 

Tanya Rosen 

Debbie Selengut 

Jen Sharbani 

Atara Malka Silva 


Devorah Soroka 

Etty Surkis 

Shira Walden 

6

7 

www.wearelion.nyc 


Reshaping industry leaders 

of today and tomorrow. 

Branding + Identity Creative Web UX/UI Design Web Development 

Creators of the New Tanya Web Experience 

Nutrition by 

start a conversation 

hello@wearelion.nyc 

new business 

516-900-3787 

account servicing 

347-489-3587 

wearelion.nyc 

follow us.

letter from the editor 

Basya 

Kovacs 

Dear readers, 

I am sitting here as we are getting ready to go to print 

and I am almost speechless with emotion. Just over a year 

ago Tanya and I sat down to discuss the creation of this 

magazine. We both agreed that the need for a women’s 

magazine that caters to women, is written by women, with 

pictures of women, was important. But Tanya had a brandnew 

baby, we had multiple other projects in the works, 

and despite our excitement, the idea was placed temporarily on the back burner. Creating a 

magazine is a huge undertaking and the time had to be right. 

Fast forward several months, and suddenly what was once important became almost urgent. 

Orthodox women were being portrayed poorly in the media, the new Netflix show (which 

thankfully has become mostly irrelevant, as people began to see it for what it was: an attention 

grab at best, and a story woven with lies at the hands of a master manipulator at worst) could 

not be ignored and demanded a “rebuttal,” and suddenly we could wait no longer. 

Our original mission took on new meaning. Instead of the magazine being informative, 

interesting, and perhaps filling a void where frum women’s faces had become invisible, it 

became almost a calling. We felt we had the opportunity to be part of the solution, part of 

the answer. We had a chance to show that frum women are not uneducated, oppressed, or 

minimized. We are empowered. We are celebrated. We are encouraged to use our talents, follow 

our passions, and live our lives to its fullest. This magazine is proof of the talent, creativity, 

education, and beauty that exists in the frum community. 

I am so grateful to Tanya for believing in this mission and supporting this (and all) my crazy 

dreams. I am grateful to you, our readers, for bringing us into your homes with open arms; the 

feedback we have received has been nothing short of amazing. And I am grateful to be a frum 

woman living in America where I truly feel that my family, my education, and my community 

celebrates and empowers women to reach their full potential. 

And don’t forget, this magazine is about YOU. Please continue to share your experiences with 

us, let us know what kind of articles and content speaks to you, and keep the feedback coming. 

With love, 

Basya Kovacs, Managing Editor 


8 

Basya Kovacs is one of Nutrition by Tanya’s beloved nutrition counselors. Having 

lost over 30 lbs. and keeping it off for ten years, Basya shares her balanced, 

practical approach to health and weight loss. To have your health and weight loss 

questions answered, please email us at info@healthandheelsmagazine.com.

letters to the editor 

FROM OUR 

inbox 

9 


Mothers Beware! 

I am so excited about this new 

magazine and I can’t wait to find 

it in stores. I truly believe you are 

filling an important need in the 

community by providing a kosher 

form of entertainment that doesn’t 

erase women. I wanted to comment 

on the article “My Miracle,” in which 

the author’s son fell through a screen 

while she wasn’t paying attention. 

While the mother seems to have 

learned her lesson, I believe there is 

a general sense of complacency and 

perhaps even negligence in the frum 

community. I can’t tell you how many 

times I have seen young children 

playing alone without supervision, 

or being “supervised” by their older 

siblings who are 5-6 years old. Horror 

stories of children being left at home 

alone with a neighbor listening in 

with baby monitors, and children 

being left in cars while mothers 

quickly run errands are pretty much 

the norm in some of our communities. 

Please, mothers, watch your children! 

We are so quick to bemoan tragedies, 

and we would go to the end of the 

Earth to save a child who is sick—so 

why are we so careless with the basic 

rules of safety?! Why does it take 

a near-tragedy to get us to pay 

attention to basic safety measures? 

Chana W. 

Hubby Time 

Thank you for this beautiful, 

inspirational magazine. I was amazed 

at how much content you included 

in the first issue. I was expecting the 

magazine to be about health but 

it was that and so much more. “The 

Meaningful Marriage Manual” on 

page 66 really hit home for me. I 

decided to take it upon myself to say 

something positive and nice to my 

husband as soon as he walks in the 

door after work. This way we start 

the evening off on a positive note, 

We love to hear from our readers! To submit a 

letter to the editor, please reach out to us at 

editor@healthandheelsmagazine.com. 

and because I linked 

it to his walking in 

the door, it’s easier 

for me to remember 

to do it. I also find 

myself thinking about 

what positive thing I am 

going to tell him all day so that I am 

prepared when he walks in the door— 

so this exercise has become so much 

more than one positive comment; it 

has really shifted my thoughts all 

day. I am looking forward to more 

practical, doable advice! Thank you! 

E.B. 

Food for Thought 

I read the article “Weight Loss News 

You May Have Missed” with interest, 

as I have struggled to stick to a diet 

for more than 20 years, and have 

never been able to stick to any diet 

for more than a few weeks, and was 

recently considering getting the 

band. Knowing that I am going to 

eventually do surgery has made it 

even harder to diet, because in the 

back of my mind I keep thinking 

I’m doing surgery anyway, so there’s 

really no point in putting forth the 

effort. After reading this article I 

feel that there may be a nonsurgical 

approach that can actually work for 

me, and have been putting forth 

more effort into healthy, balanced 

eating. Thank you for giving me 

hope! 

Shira. F 

From a Teen 

I just wanted to take a second to 

comment on the article “Soul Food” 

by Amy Lefcoe. I really appreciated 

how she tied in a meaningful Torah 

lesson with real-life examples that 

can really apply to anyone. It spoke 

to me when she talked about putting 

so much effort into helping or doing 

something nice for a friend, only to 

receive nothing back. 

I now have a new 

perspective on 

how to handle 

this type of 

situation and 

shift my mindset. 

Looking forward to seeing more 

articles like this one! I also really liked 

the fashion section! I hope you will 

keep writing things that teens can 

relate to. 

A Teen Reader 

A Grateful Mom 

I’m writing in reference to the article 

about parenting. Although I consider 

myself an avid reader and subscribe 

to many Jewish and non-Jewish 

publications, I have never read such 

a refreshing and earnest interview. 

It was so simple yet so to the point— 

wow! Keep bringing material that is 

typical and not typical to us Jewish 

women! Can’t wait to read more. 

Dena Kohn 

Sheimos Alert 

Firstly, thank you for this awesome 

magazine. There is such a need for 

this in our community and I am so 

excited about it. Loved the first issue! 

I just wanted to make you aware that 

in the first issue, there is sheimos 

in the table of contents and also 

on page 34. Hope you can let your 

subscribers know! Thank you again! 

Devorah S. 

Hi Devorah! 

Thank you for your positive feedback! 

Regarding the shaimos, yes, that 

oversight was brought to our 

attention and we spread the word 

and publicized it as much as possible 

to make sure it will be treated with 

proper respect. Thanks for pointing 

it out! 

The H&H Team

The Inside Scoop 

How I Met Tanya 

BASYA 

I met Tanya six years ago at the JWE 

conference. Tanya was one of the 

panelists. I asked her what she looks 

for when hiring—education, personality, 

team player? Upon hearing her 

response, in front of a room of over 100 

people, I asked her, “Would you hire 

me?” The whole room had a great 

laugh, and the rest is history. 

RACHEL 

I met Tanya eight years ago through 

Facebook. I came to my interview in slippers 

and PJs—a day she will never let me forget, 

LOL, but she hired me! She hired me even 

though I didn’t own a resume or dress 

appropriately for the interview. And it was 

the best thing that ever happened to me! I 

get to work doing my favorite thing and in 

the best environment ever!! 

ALICE 

I met Tanya six years ago through a mutual 

friend. I came into Shape Fitness on Avenue 

M not during typical work hours, if you get 

what I’m saying. What was it, like 8 p.m.? 

She hired me the next morning and I started 

a few days after. First day on the job I took 

a one-hour lunch break, and since then that 

was history. What’s a lunch break?! 

SARIT 

When I was in 12th grade I was 

very close to my teacher. The 

teacher was Tanya’s client, and 

Tanya was looking for a tutor 

to help her children with their 

homework after school. Because 

the Rosens lived near my home, 

my teacher asked if I would be 

interested in working with them 

and I agreed. I met Tanya and 

her husband Ruko and helped 

the children with homework 

every day. Ruko would offer 

me TAP muffins (and other 

unhealthy foods too!), and 

toward the end of the year I 

told Ruko I was looking for a 

job since I’m graduating, and if 

he knows of anything to please 

keep me in mind. That same 

night I received a text message 

from Tanya telling me she 

will hire me at her company, 

Nutrition by Tanya. I googled 

the company and immediately 

accepted the offer! 

JENNY 

When I was in seminary 

a friend asked me what 

I thought I wanted to 

do in life. I responded, “I 

love health and fitness, so 

hopefully something like 

that.” 

So as a joke she asked, 

“So what, you’re going to 

be the next Tanya?” 

I’m originally from out of 

town (my friend was from 

Brooklyn) so I had not yet 

heard about The Tanya. 

I signed up for emails 

and started following her 

on social media and was 

immediately drawn to 

Nutrition by Tanya. 

That year my family even 

followed her to a Pesach 

program. 

Several months later I 

saw an ad that Nutrition 

by Tanya was hiring. I 

sent a resume and the 

rest is really history. 


10

healthy bodies 

Winter 

Vacation 

Guide By Tanya Rosen 

Isn’t this such a great 

time of year?! Many 

of us have a break 

from school and work, 

and it’s an excellent 

opportunity to go on 

vacation or have a 

staycation. Whether 

it’s because we won’t 

have easy access to the 

foods we need while 

traveling or because we 

have too much time on 

our hands when staying 

local or the many other 

reasons we seem to 

Tanya 

worry about, I’ve got 

some tips and tools to 

help you through. 

11 

healthandheelsmagazine.com


TIPS 

FOR 

V 

Workouts During 

Your Time Off 

Whether you’re in the tropics on a getaway vacation, staying 

at a hotel or timeshare, or staying local, here are some 

workouts you can do, Try one, try all and try variations of 

them. You have some time now to be creative with your fitness. 

A 

C 

A 

TION 

IN THE BACKYARD 

The hula hoop is a great workout, both 

in terms of calorie burn and toning your 

hips and midsection. Most people have 

more space outside than inside, and you 

don’t have to worry about bumping into 

furniture. 

Trampoline. Great for you and the 

kids. Just make sure you put something 

padded around the trampoline. 

Watching your kids play? Bounce on a 

stability ball while you’re doing that 

and you get a workout too! Because the 

ball is not stable, it challenges your core. 

AT THE BEACH 

The boardwalk is great for jogging 

or walking. Make sure you’re wearing 

good sneakers with a thick sole to avoid 

splinters in your feet. 

The benches are great for tricep dips 

(to work the back of your arms). Sit at 

the edge of the bench with your fingers 

and palms facing forward at the edge 

of the bench. Slowly take yourself off 

the bench, keeping just your palms on 

the bench. Dip down, making sure your 

elbows bend and then straighten as you 

come up. Repeat 12 times, rest and then 

do another 12 times. 

Run or walk fast on the sand. The sand 

is very hard to run or walk on because of 

its’ resistance. You will work harder 

and burn more calories. 

AT THE PARK 


Benches. There are often benches 

scattered throughout most parks. You 

can also step on and off the bench. This 

will elevate your heart rate which will 

make you sweat and burn calories. It will 

12

also work your legs. Just make sure 

to be very cautious when stepping 

and make sure your entire foot goes 

on the bench. Dangling feet cause 

sprains and falls. 

Monkey bars. These are great for 

your upper body. Try to stay on as 

long as you can. If you need to get 

off andrestart, that’s ok too. As you 

build your upper body strength, you 

will be able to stay on longer. 

Incline benches. Some parks have 

these. These are great for sit-ups. 

Lie down on the bench, cross your 

arms over your chest, and sit up as 

much as you can. Do 10-15, rest and 

then repeat. These will work your 

abs, so no matter where you are, 

there is always a way to squeeze in 

a workout! 

AT THE POOL 

Aerobics in the pool is a very fun 

way to work out. Some simple and 

fun things to try: 


Dear Tanya, 

I just got back from Miami 

and I am so disappointed. 

For the first time ever, I 

actually stayed on my plan 

while on vacation. I didn’t 

touch the bread basket or 

desserts by restaurants, 

stayed away from the latenight 

munching aside from 

my treat, and chose sugarfree 

frozen yogurt instead of 

milkshakes. However, when 

I came to weigh in, I found 

that I had lost less than 

half a pound despite all my 

efforts! What went wrong? 

Signed, 

Devastated about 

Maintaining 

Dear Devastated, 

I understand your frustration! You 

were surrounded by temptation for 

five days straight and did not cave 

in even once! Surely the scale should 

appreciate everything you sacrificed! 

However, as far as the scale/reality is 

concerned, your week in Miami was 

good but had some issues. 

Eating out at restaurants for several 

days straight, even when choosing 

the best from the menu, usually 

brings along with it extra calories in 

the forms of sauces and fats used 

during preparation. Additionally, 

there is a good chance your dinner 

was later than recommended. Also, 

treats are meant to be eaten only 

when needed, and if used nightly 

can slow your weight loss down a bit. 

Finally, traveling, particularly flying, 

can throw your digestion off a bit, 

and being constipated can definitely 

slow weight loss. 

13 


Kick & Splash- Hold on to the edge 

of the pool and lay afloat on the 

water so that you are in a vertical 

position. Kick your feet as fast as 

you can for as long as you can. 

This is very intense and a great 

workout for your legs & abs. 

Pool races. Go as fast as 

you can from one end of 

the pool to the other end. If 

you’re alone, time yourself 

& aim to go faster each 

time. If you’re with a friend, 

race with each other. 

For these reasons, we tell our clients 

that even with tremendous effort, 

your goal on vacation should be to 

maintain your weight! So the fact 

that you lost even a bit is excellent 

and proves that you truly were on 

your game! Be proud of yourself and 

keep up the excellent self-control! The 

weight 

Tanya 

loss will continue and you will 

get to your goals! 

Best, 

Tanya Rosen is the founder and owner 

of Nutrition by Tanya, with 12 locations 

throughout New York, New Jersey and Israel. 

Tanya is also the creator of the TAP (Tanyaapproved 

products) food line sold in all major 

supermarkets throughout the U.S., which includes 

pastries, meals, kugels and more, all healthy, 

of course. In addition, Tanya has published 

two cookbooks, multiple workout DVDs, and is 

a regular columnist for many popular Jewish 

magazines. She lives in Brooklyn 

with her husband and five children.


Getting Back 

On Track 

THE NUTRITION BY TANYA GUIDE TO 

GETTING BACK ON TRACK 

Winter vacation means 

time off from your usual 

routine. Now that that’s 

over, it’s time to get back 

on track. 

As always, I gave out guidelines 

to my clients outlining what 

to do during winter vacation. 

Most of the information was 

obvious and nothing new but 

it’s always helpful to have 

it on paper as a reminder. 

No matter how careful and 

determined one was over 

vacation, there were still 

many meals that may have 

resulted in some cheats. Most 

likely, there were several 

meals during the day and a 

lot of late-night meals.; not 

to mention all the tempting 

desserts and gourmet delicacies 

around when going on vacation. 

Even if you were home for winter 

vacation, the break-in routine may 

have thrown you off track. 


I have been hearing from many 

people how hard it is to get back 

on track after “partying” and being 

on ‘diet vacation’ for so long so, I’ve 

compiled some DO’S and DON’TS 

to help you get back on track. 

14

DO’s 

you gain? Stay the same? Lose? This 

1. Do go on the scale to continue 

keeping track of your weight. Did 

is not meant to put you in a bad 

mood but rather to face reality. 

2. Do write out your menu ahead of 

time for the week so that you are 

completely prepared and stocked up. 

3. Do get professional help from a 

nutrition counselor. NOW is always 

a perfect time to start getting the 

right help to get you back on your 

way to your goals. 

4. Do get rid of any leftovers or 

treats your brought back so that 

there are less temptations. 

5. Do start a food journal 

documenting what you eat (and 

sometimes even why). 

DONT’s 

1. Don’t go on the scale too 

frequently (more than once or twice 

a week). This will discourage you as 

numbers change week to week and 

not necessarily day to day. 

2. Don’t beat yourself up over what 

you ate or how much you gained. It 

is in the past. 

3. Don’t go on a deprivation or 

starvation plan just to lose the 

weight quickly. This will only slow 

down your metabolism and cause 

you to feel deprived. 

4. Don’t forget that we have plenty 

of time to make up for those meals. 

5. Don’t set unrealistic goals. 1-2 lbs 

a week is a good target. 


1 

2 

3 

Vacation season is winding 

down and it’s almost time 

to get back to real life and 

routine. An interesting thing 

I noticed is that some of my 

clients actually lost weight 

while away, despite eating 

more and exercising less. I 

decided to research this a bit 

and see why. Here is what I 

came up with: 

1. You have lower stress levels. When you 

go on vacation, you’re taking a break; 

not only from your health habits but also 

from your stress. Your adrenal glands get 

a breather (finally) and shut off panic 

mode. They allow your body to fall more 

in sync with your natural rhythm and 

your health. 

Cortisol, the main stress hormone in your 

body, gets taken down a level in your 

bloodstream, which can have a positive 

effect on your behavior, metabolism, and 

overall health. Often, weight gain occurs 

due to increased cortisol levels in the 

body. So it makes sense that reducing 

the stress hormones racing through your 

body, allows those extra pounds to fall 

off. 

2. You’re not exercising. If you’re a 

frequent exerciser, taking time off from 

the gym can actually result in 

more weight loss than overdoing it will. 

When you rest your muscles, they recover 

and have time to build back up. This is 

why rest days are so essential. If you’re 

living a fast-paced, busy lifestyle, even 

your rest days can be strenuous. When 

you’re at the beach or chilling in a 

cabana all day, your muscles finally get 

the time they’ve been craving to recover. 

Having larger muscles burns more fat — 

hence, you have a higher probability of 

weight loss after a relaxing break. 

3. You allow yourself to eat the foods 

you crave. Most people let go of all the 

dieting rules and just let themselves eat 

and drink freely on vacation. No points, 

no calories, no macros, and just food. This 

gives you a chance to let go of your usual 

structure and enjoy what you’ve been 

missing. Just don’t forget... A break is nice, 

but afterward, it’s time to get back on 

track. You will not keep losing weight if 

you continue with this lifestyle. 

15 



Super 

Bowl 

Tips 

The Super Bowl 

usually comes along 

with beer, lots of 

snacks, and food. 

Since it is all about 

the strategies (pun 

intended), we have 

come up with a 

“gameplan” that 

won’t make you feel 

like you’re missing 

out on all the fun. 

The most important thing is not to go to a Super Bowl party 

on an empty stomach! 

Make sure to eat satisfying meals throughout the day and 

don’t skip any meals or snacks. 

Water - drink plenty throughout the day. 

Make a menu plan for the party that is in sync with your food 

plan. 

Fill your plate with mostly salads and your main dish. 

If it’s a pizza party, save your ‘once a week’ pizza for then. 

Treat: Choose wisely (light beer can be a treat). 

Bring healthy food for yourself and for everyone else to share. 

Make a vegetable platter & set it up nicely with colorful 

veggies. Instead of snacking, have your fruits. A good idea is 

to make a smoothie and sip on that throughout the game. 

Have drinks like vitamin water zero instead of alcohol. 

If you are hosting the party here are some healthy Super 

Bowl foods you can make: 

• Baked chips and avocado 

• Grilled veggies 

• Popcorn 

• Instead of BBQ sauce come up with your own sauce using 

ketchup or tomato sauce, spices, and fresh herbs for flavor 

such as rosemary, parsley, and basil. 

Enjoy the game without the extra calories! 


16


It’s TAP 

Finds Time! 

17 


HOT LOGIC 

Personal Ovens 

• Easier, safer, & tastier 

• Heats food, holds temps 

never overcooks 

• Only you pack and touch 

your food 

• No buttons to push, no 

temperature to set 

• Helps you stay on track 

anywhere 

These personal ovens hold and 

heat food perfectly for hours 

without overcooking so you 

can get a warm, delicious meal 

whenever you’re ready. 

Can be purchased at 

http://hotlogic.com/ 

CARRINGTON FARMS 

Organic Flax Chia 

Blend Packs 

• 4 grams of fiber per serving 

• 3 grams of OMEGA-3 per serving 

• Gluten-free 

• Convenient 

• Delicious! 

• Star K 

Sprinkle over yogurt, smoothies, or oatmeal. 

Can be purchased at Shoprite stores or online. 

Counts as a fat on the plan.


Let’s Get 

Cooking! 

As the saying goes, families 

that eat together stay 

together. But sometimes 

we get stuck trying to 

find recipes that are both 

delicious and nutritious. This 

recipe section will present 

recipes that are easy to 

make, healthy and designed 

to please even your pickiest 

eaters. So let’s get cooking! 


For more great recipes, check out 

Tanya's cookbooks in your local 

Judaica store or on our website 

www.nutritionbytanya.com. 

18


Shakshuka 

19 


Looking for a change? Try these poached eggs 

with a Middle Eastern Twist. 

WHAT YOU’LL NEED: 

• Nonstick frying pan 

INGREDIENTS 

• Cooking spray 

• 1 large onion, halved and thinly sliced 

• 1 large red pepper, seeded and thinly 

sliced 

• 3 cloves garlic, thinly sliced 

• 1 teaspoon cumin 

• 1 teaspoon paprika teaspoon cayenne 

pepper, or to taste 

• 1 28-ounce can whole plum tomatoes 

coarsely chopped 

• ¾ teaspoon salt, plus more to taste 

• ¼ teaspoon pepper, plus more to 

taste 

• 2 ounces reduced-fat feta cheese, 

crumbled (about 1 ¼ cups) 

• 2 large eggs and 4 egg whites 

• Chopped cilantro, for serving 

• Hot sauce, for serving 

DIRECTIONS 

1. Preheat oven to 375°F. 

2. Spray a large frying pan 

with cooking spray and heat 

pan over medium-low heat. 

Add onions and red peppers. 

Cook gently until very soft, 

about 20 minutes. Add 

garlic and cook until tender, 

about 1-2 minutes. Stir in 

cumin, paprika, and cayenne 

pepper and cook 1 minute 

more. Pour in tomatoes and 

season with ¾ teaspoon salt 

and ¼ teaspoon pepper; 

simmer until tomatoes have 

thickened, about 10 minutes. 

Stir in crumbled feta. 

3. Gently crack eggs into frying 

pan over the tomatoes. 

Season with salt and pepper. 

Transfer frying pan to oven 

and bake until eggs are 

just set, about 7-10 minutes. 

Sprinkle with cilantro and 

serve with hot sauce. 

YIELD: 2 Servings 

COUNT EACH SERVING AS: 1 protein


CUCUMBER 

MINT MOJITO 

Make sure to save two large slices of cucumber (peeled) when making 

this tasty cocktail and refrigerate them. When ready, grab your drink 

and the two slices, put your feet up, place the slices over your eyes, and 

just relax while sipping deliciousness. Cool cucumber slices may help 

reduce puffiness and add moisture, and the cooling effect with eyes 

closed enhances the relaxation. Don’t forget to give yourself those 10–15 

minutes of “me time” to unwind, breathe, and sip. 

WHAT YOU’LL NEED: 

• Wooden spoon 

INGREDIENTS 

• 1/4 cup fresh lime juice 

• 1 cup water 

• 3/4 cup ice 

• 1 cup crushed ice 

• 1/4 cup agave nectar 

• 12 fresh mint leaves 

• 1/4 cup sliced cucumber 

• 1/3 cup white rum 

• 1/4 cup seltzer 

DIRECTIONS 

1. Using the bottom of a 

wooden spoon, crush 

cucumber and mint until 

the mint is fragrant. Add 

the rest of the ingredients 

besides the seltzer and 

shake. 

2. Pour over ice and top with 

seltzer. 

YIELD: 2 Servings 

COUNT EACH SERVING AS: 1 treat 


20


Kitchen Tips 

21 


By Leah Setton 

I’m Leah Setton. I love to 

cook, especially for a crowd, 

and entertain. My philosophy 

is that the kitchen should be 

a fun place with a relaxing 

vibe. That’s why I am always 

coming up with new ideas to 

get you more comfortable in the 

kitchen! When I’m not cooking 

I’m either hanging out with my 

two children or preparing high 

school math. I’m so excited to be 

sharing kitchen tips and tricks! 

Enjoy, and happy cooking! 

KEEP IT FRESH 

• Keep washed lettuce in a paper towel 

to keep it crisp and fresh. 

• Add a slice of white bread to the 

container you store your cookies in to 

keep them fresh. 

• My sister-in-law taught me this one. 

It’s so simple but it really works! To 

make your meat or chicken more 

tender and juicy, place a sheet of 

parchment paper over the food before 

you cover it with foil and bake it. 

TOOLS AROUND 

THE KITCHEN 

• Invest in kitchen gloves—not 

the mittens you probably 

have, which are more 

cumbersome to use! Once I 

purchased these, my life in the 

kitchen was changed forever. 

Taking dishes out of the oven 

will never be the same again 

once you try these! 

• Snap-on strainer: I don’t know 

about you guys but I really 

dislike washing dishes. This is 

so much easier than washing a 

full strainer. 

• An oil dispenser is great to 

have on hand while cooking. In 

my book it’s a must! 

QUICK, EASY, 

AND YUM! 

• Dress up regular rice by subbing out half the water 

for chicken stock. The difference is amazing! 

• Montreal Chicken Spice and Montreal Steak Spice 

make a quick and easy rub or marinade in a pinch 

when combined with oil and made 

into a paste. Every time I use 

it I get tons of compliments. 

• Canned whole 

tomatoes and sea salt 

make a great pizza 

sauce. Blend together 

and it’ll be the best 

sauce you ever had. 

• Dress up storebought 

chumus by 

putting some olive oil 

and paprika on top.


TWO NUTRITIONISTS • TWO PERSPECTIVES 

Breaking 

Up With My 

Apple Watch 

By Tanya Rosen 


22 

I always thought I didn’t want it on my wrist 

because I don’t want text and WhatsApp 

notifications while working out. 

I was right. 

Working out is my solace. 

My peace 

My meditation 

My tune-out 

My private (or public) party. 

But what happened next was interesting… 

I was getting numbers and data: 

Calories I was burning 

My heart rate 

Statistics 

Things that simply don’t matter. 

How is it possible for it not to matter? 

Isn’t it important how many calories you burn? 

Don’t you want to know? 

The short answer is no. 

The longer answer is… 

When I first started working out (and up until a 

few years ago), I did it for the same reasons most 

people do: to burn calories, lose weight, tone up, 

and because I felt guilty not doing it. There is 

nothing wrong with these reasons but they’re just 

the “tip of the iceberg” (and only the vain iceberg). 

And then… 

It hit me a few years ago that there’s so much more 

to it than just that! 

I began to notice and embrace the non body/scale 

benefits like: 

• Good mood 

• More energy 

• Endorphins (the post-workout high) 

• My strength 

• Better sleep 

• Easier recovery after 

C-sections 

• Feeling younger 

• Etc. 

Suddenly… I viewed my 

workouts as a choice and a 

privilege versus a chore. 

I began working out because I wanted to 

instead of because I had to. 

I loved all the benefits that had nothing to do with 

weight and numbers. 

So when the Apple Watch started giving me 

numbers and data, I didn’t want to know. 

Would I think 300 calories was worth it but 250 

wasn’t? 

Would I wish I did more jumps when I wanted to 

spend a few extra minutes stretching so that I burn 

more calories? 

Do I even need all this data in my head (and on 

my wrist) when I have so much other stuff to think 

about? 

So while I get the whole hype with it, I will continue 

to work out without knowing numbers or data. 

Why? Because I honestly don’t care. 

The only “data” I need is how exercise makes me 

feel, physically and mentally. 

As the saying goes: 

Mitoch shelo lishmah ba lishmah. (Good intentions 

will follow good actions.) 

P.S. No, it’s not for sale—because it was a special 

gift and I will find good use for it—suggestions 

welcome. :)


TWO NUTRITIONISTS • TWO PERSPECTIVES 

Falling in 

23 


Love With 

My Fitbit 

By Basya Kovacs 

Those of you who know me know that 

I have a complicated relationship with 

exercise. I keep my weight in check by 

sticking to a great food plan that I love, 

and have maintained a 30-pound weight 

loss for over 10 years this way—with no 

exercise at all. In fact, when I do exercise I 

usually gain weight due to muscle building 

(and also, if I am being honest, exercise 

makes me hungrier and I tend to eat more 

because of it). 

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love how I 

feel after I exercise (don’t we all) and I 

understand the impact, but I find it really 

difficult to stick to any sort of committed 

exercise routine. So I recently decided 

to get myself a Fitbit. My reasoning 

was as follows. I am a big believer in 

“something is better than nothing” 

when it comes to dieting; I don’t find 

that dieting means eating perfectly all 

the time. So if I can have that mindset 

about dieting, why can’t I have it about 

exercise? Why can’t I exercise just a little 

bit every day, and reap the health and 

mood benefits without taking upon myself 

more than I am interested in committing 

to? Why can’t I just do a little more than 

what I am currently doing (which at the 

present time is pretty much nothing)? 

So I got the Fitbit. And I set my goal 

settings really low. Like super low. Like 

instead of reaching the recommended 

10,000 steps per day I set my goal to 

4,000 steps. I am also not a great water 

drinker so I set my water goal to four cups 

a day. 

And then the fun began. Every time I 

would reach a milestone, however small, 

my Fitbit went nuts. It started sending 

me notifications such as “Woohoo! You 

almost reached your goal today!” or “You 

are on a three-day winning streak—keep 

up the water drinking!” or my favorite: 

“Basya, you are an overachiever” (when I 

pass my measly 4,000 steps). Ha! Me an 

overachiever?! Okay, if you say so! 

And yes, I know that 4,000 steps or four 

cups of water is not exactly impressive, 

but it’s more than I was doing before. 

Had I set my goal to 10,000 steps and 

would have seen I was up to 3,800 steps, 

I wouldn’t even bother to take those 200 

extra steps. But when I see that I am up 

to 3,800 and have only 200 more steps 

to reach my goal, I find myself jogging in 

place for a minute! And when I see I am 

on a five-day streak of drinking four cups 

of water a day, I find myself reaching for 

a water bottle instead of a Diet Coke. 

Rather than focusing on what I could be 

doing or should be doing I find myself 

comparing myself to myself. What a 

concept! 

Two watches, two perspectives! Tell us 

what you think! Send your feedback to 

submissions@healthandheelsmagazine. 

com. We love to hear from you!


A NARROW PATH 

My Weight 

Loss Journey 

By Leeba Wein* 

Part 2 

Disclaimer: this 

segment contains 

a lot of technical 

information about 

the pre-op process. 

The process may 

look different for 

everyone based on 

their insurance plan/ 

doctor and any other 

circumstance. 

Recap: After struggling with weight loss and dieting for many years, I decide to 

proceed with weight loss surgery. The decision is not a light one, one that takes courage 

and dismissal of many preconceived notions, but I forge ahead. 

w 

With every new diet I have embarked 

on in my life, I have always felt a sense 

of momentousness. This will be the one 

thing I will always refer back to as the 

diet, or rather lifestyle change, that 

changed the trajectory and set me on 

my weight loss journey. 

Hope never dies. With years of attempts 

and disappointment behind me, hope 

still flutters anew with every new idea. 

While some might call it denial or lack 

of self-awareness, I always cherished 

the promise of a fresh start—until it fell 

through almost before it began. 

This time, I know things will be different. 

For all my wishful thinking in the past, 

I am very aware of what it is that 

sabotages every plan I am on, including 

those that have brought great success 

to others. I tend to start every plan with 

great ambition, but it is simply difficult 

for me to stay on track. This time, that 

choice will be taken out of my hands. 

This thought brings me hope, heavily 

laced with trepidation. 


24 

I am not hasty in my decision to 

proceed. I examine my reasons for 

wanting to undergo surgery; is it only 

society telling me I must be thin to 

earn the right to exist? It is difficult to 

separate my own feelings on the matter 

with what is ingrained in me from years 

of pain and judgment, but I do know 

that I am doing this for myself. I need 

this. I deserve this. 

*Pen name

Starting the process that will 

hopefully lead me to surgery 

gives me a great sense of 

purpose. For the umpteenth 

time in my life, but also for the 

first time in my life, I feel that 

my life is truly and deeply about 

to change. And taking care of 

the technicalities involved is a 

concrete step that leads me to 

my goal. 

My first appointment is 

scheduled for two weeks hence, 

which is disappointing as I 

am raring to go. I do get a 

link to some seminar videos 

and paperwork to complete 

in preparation for my first 

appointment. They speak about 


the risks, the benefits, the differences 

between the different options of bariatric 

surgeries. It is a bit frightening to hear 

how I am heading into an irreversible 

path, yet I know it is the right one for me, 

and my excitement grows together with 

my apprehension. 

Starting a medical process during COVID 

has its perks, as most appointments are 

telehealth visits instead of in-office visits. 

I had been worried about how I would 

swing all appointments between my job 

and my kids, and I knew that I wanted to 

schedule them all in the shortest period of 

time possible. Virtual visits make things so 

much easier. 

The reason it is usually a drawn-out 

process to get approved for the surgery is 

due to most insurance plans requiring a 

six-month period 

of nutritional 

counseling, which 

most people start 

at the time of 

their decision to 

go ahead with 

surgery. I wonder 

what the statistics 

of potential 

“sleevers” being 

successful during 

those six months 

and passing up 

on surgery are… I am willing to bet it is a 

low number. No one chooses surgery as 

their first option, and I’m guessing most 

patients are already far past the point 

of nutritionist visits making much of a 

difference. 

The good news is that due to my extensive 

dieting history, I contact a nutritionist 

I have been seeing in the past and she 

provides me with documentation of six 

months of check ins. Thus, I avert this 

lengthy process and throw my all into 

getting everything I need out of the way. 

The BMI needed to qualify for surgery 

with insurance is between 35 and 40. 

That is one concern I do not have, I fully 

qualify at a BMI of 48. 

Doctors’ visits have always been a source 

of anxiety for me, with the dreaded 

scale in the corner mocking me and my 

failures at every visit. I was prone to 

bouts of bronchitis as a teenager, yet I 

always postponed seeing the doctor until 

absolutely necessary. I was tired of the 

disapproving looks, the lectures, and the 

blaming of every ache to my weight. 

I was tired of the 

disapproving looks, 

the lectures, and the 

blaming of every ache 

to my weight. 

My first meeting with the doctor is 

conducted in the comfort of my home 

and is over in less than 15 minutes. I give 

him a brief synopsis of my history, and 

he gives me a brief overview of what the 

surgery entails. Dr. R. is pleasant enough, 

if a bit abrupt. I feel a pang of shame 

as I tell him how much I weigh, though I 

know it does not faze him; I will not be his 

heaviest patient. 

After this initial consultation, which does 

not really teach me anything I didn’t 

already know, I am on a frenzied race to 

schedule all appointments in the shortest 

amount of time possible. 

I speak to the nutritionist, who asks me to 

describe what I eat in a day. I am happy 

she cannot see me over the phone as I try 

to be as honest as 

possible, detailing the 

snacking and gorging 

that is sometimes out 

of control. She tells 

me what I already 

know: I will need to 

learn new habits. 

Surgery is a tool, and 

a great one, but I am 

the one who will need 

to make the changes. 

I speak to the 

psychologist, who asks me about my 

motives, and once again I describe my 

struggles and my need for a fresh start. 

She asks about my childhood, about my 

kids, and whether I am safe at home. I tell 

her about my beautiful family and life, 

and how this is a decision I do not take 

lightly, but one that will hopefully bring 

with it a solution and relief to the weight 

issue that has dominated my life. 

I visit my general doctor for a well visit, 

bloodwork, and his opinion. Though I 

know my doctor is not one to advocate for 

going under the knife, I value his opinion 

and hope he will not try to dissuade 

me. He has known me for years and, 

while noncommittal, does not do so. It 

is reassuring to me to have him confirm 

that, of all options, the sleeve gastrectomy 

is best, and he proceeds with checking off 

the boxes on the forms I have provided 

him with. 

I work every day but manage to sneak out 

for appointments, as well as for a myriad 

of phone calls coordinating all results 

and documents to reach my surgeon’s 

office. It is not easy, but every time a box 

25 


is ticked off I feel a sense of 

accomplishment and mission. 

There is some imaging I 

need to take care of, and I 

make several calls until I find 

a center with the soonest 

appointment. With all the 

conveniences it brought, the 

downside of doing pre-op 

during COVID is the limited 

in-person appointments when 

telehealth appointments are 

not an option, but I manage 

to get an appointment for 

Monday, only a few days 

away. 

After taking two relatively 

simple scans, I anxiously 

await the result, just to get 

that box ticked off. I am 

completely thrown when 

my surgeon calls me a few 

days later. “The chest X-ray 

showed some swollen lymph 

nodes. We need you to do a 

CT scan before we proceed 

with clearing you for surgery.” 

I panic, I google, and I 

schedule the soonest CT scan 

for the coming Friday at a 

local imaging place. 

I come in for the CT scan 

and anxiously wait my turn. 

I muse that if I am this 

anxious about a scan, how 

will I react when I am about 

to be operated on? But I 

know myself, and know I will 

forge ahead and through 

everything until I get there. 

My name is called, and I go 

in for the test. I have never, 

baruch Hashem, needed 

a CT scan before, so the 

procedure is unfamiliar. I am 

told to lie down on a narrow 

bed, and a scanner is used 

on top of me. I seem to recall 

that a CT scan should be 

done in a circular machine, 

but I may be wrong. 

I get home, it is on a Friday 

and I have a lot to do. A half 

hour later I get a call from 

the imaging center. 

“We’re calling your name and 

you are not here for your 

scan. Are you keeping your 

appointment?” 

I do not know whether to 

laugh or cry. I rush back and 

explain that I was tested for 

something. They check their 

records; it seems I had gotten 

a bone density scan meant 

for another patient… They 

are gracious about it and I 

get my CT scan done. After 

the hassle I find this incident 

extremely amusing. At the 

very least, I’ve got a funny 

story to tell! 

I am not laughing, though, 

when I am presented with 

the results of the CT scan, 

which finds a dilated artery 

with recommendation to 

follow up with a cardiologist. 

At this point I am afraid. 

Despite my size, I have 

never struggled with health 

issues, and I am afraid that 

my weight and the dire 

predictions it always brought 

along with it have finally 

caught up with my heart. 

I make an appointment 

with a cardiologist, who 

sends me further for an 

echocardiogram. 

Baruch Hashem, after a few 

weeks of anxiety, the echo 

shows nothing abnormal. My 

cardiologist sends over a 

letter of clearance, and I am 

finally ticking off that box. 

Another visit with my PCP for 

final clearance and yet some 

more bloodwork, another talk 

with the nutritionist, a final 

call with the surgeon, and 

we are on. Surgery date is 

looming and, while I cannot 

be more prepared, I cannot 

help questioning myself. Am I 

truly going ahead with this? 

Apparently, I am. 

to be continued... 


Leeba Wein (a pen name) is a freelance writer living 

in New York. For inquiries, she can be 

reached at leebawein@gmail.com. 

26


A Bite 

of by Basya Kovacs 

Balance 


28

Dear Basya, 

I was wondering why you 

limit foods like olive oil, 

avocado, nuts, fruit, and 

certain proteins. Aren’t 

these foods good for 

you? Do you really think 

that having an extra few 

tablespoons of olive oil, 

a few ounces of extra 

salmon, or a handful of 

extra nuts will keep me 

from losing weight? 

Signed, 

A Healthy Eater 


Dear Healthy Eater, 

I appreciate your question as it goes 

straight to the heart of the difference 

between a diet and a lifestyle plan. On 

many diets, carbs are cut out or strictly 

limited, while other foods are eaten 

without limit. Most of these diets tend to 

be short lived because, let’s face it: who 

wants to cut out carbs forever? 

On our plan, which is actually a lifestyle 

plan rather than a diet, almost no food 

is completely banned! We don’t label 

foods as good foods and bad foods. 

We focus on controlling our portion 

sizes and maximizing our metabolism 

rather than eliminating certain foods or 

complete food groups. 

Of course we want our clients to make 

healthy choices, and foods such as 

avocado, olive oil, and nuts are certainly 

healthy choices. However, we need to 

be careful because even the healthiest 

foods will cause us to gain weight if we 

overeat those foods. Our body uses food 

as fuel, so any extra food that the body 

doesn’t use gets stored as fat, even 

healthy food. 

29 


So, to answer your question: Yes, within 

the context of a balanced meal plan 

that 

Best,Basya 

encourages all food groups—carbs, 

proteins, fats, fruits, vegetables, and 

the occasional treat—even a handful of 

extra nuts and a few extra fruits can 

keep you from losing weight. Remember, 

health and weight loss aren’t always the 

same! 

Basya Kovacs is one of Nutrition by 

Tanya’s beloved nutrition counselors. 

Having lost over 30 lbs. and keeping 

it off for ten years, Basya shares her 

balanced, practical approach to health 

and weight loss. To have your health 

and weight loss questions answered, 

please email us at 

info@healthandheelsmagazine.com.

The One Task We 

Can’t Delegate 

The big one puts dinner in the oven. 

The colleague files the overdue document. 

The husband volunteers to bathe the kids. 



But this critical task only Mom can do. 

And she just doesn’t have the time or 

energy for it. 

Let’s face it. Nobody can move for you. 

Exercise is something that you simply 

have to do yourself, no matter how good 

you are at delegating. 

“HomePros gets 

it,” says Gitty 

Berger, influential 

makeup artist 

and Instagram 

favorite. “Especially 

with those quick 

five- and tenminute 

no-frill 

Gitty Berger 

workouts that you can just do anywhere, 

whenever.” We all know that we need to 

move more than we do, and the platform 

addresses every common obstacle with 

an impressive array of unique workout 

solutions. 

The first-of-its-kind home workout 

platform has made waves in the 

frum community in the year since it 

first launched. Geared for these busy 

mothers, the easy-to-use website offers 

unlimited access to workouts ranging 

from five to 30 minutes, all of which can 

be completed at home—the majority 

without any equipment. 

The workouts are led 

by the biggest names 

in the female fitness 

world, but they 

are accessible and 

feasible for almost 

every busy mom. Got 

ten minutes after 

Yaffa Palti carpool? HomePros is 

for you. You can set 

aside five minutes after the little ones 

go to sleep? They have the programs for 

you. And if your only option is to work 

out while holding the baby or with the 

children around joining you? Well, you’re 

in luck as well! 

Every mother’s schedule is equally busy, 

but each in a uniquely specific way. 

And the HomePros feedback mirrors 

that. Yaffa Palti, popular educator 

and “Happiness Cultivator,” shared, 

“I’m allergic to exercise. But small, 

individualized workouts really speak to 

me! I can control how and how much 

to move!”—while ace HomePros trainer 

Shoshi Kay dubbed HomePros “the 

Netflix for workout 

videos.” 

Shoshi Kay 

The platform works 

on a subscription 

basis, where for 

$29.99 per month 

members have access 

to every program and 

workout to enjoy at 

their own convenience. In a conversation, 

founder and president Malky Blum 

remarked, “The reason HomePros 

became an instant hit with mothers in 

the community is its relatability. 

We know that most moms are 

still tackling yesterday’s to-do 

list so we set out to create a 

large variety of short, doable 

workouts. Sometimes the best 

solutions are the 

most simple ones.” 

Bari Mitzman 

Only a small 

percentage of 

mothers consider 

themselves to be 

workout people. All 

others know that 

nobody else can take 

care of their body for them but they 

just can’t make the time or commit 

to it. And that’s where HomePros is 

making its impact. Bari Mitzman 

(“Barianna”), iconic Instagram 

blogger, wife and mother, said, “I don’t 

know why this program wasn’t available 

until now but I am certain it is a total 

game changer that will pay positive 

dividends for many years to come.” 

Impressively, the platform has shifted 

the focus around exercise from weight 

loss and muscle building to giving 

women the tools they need to look out 

for themselves and enjoy that priceless 

workout rush. And with every passing 

day, more movement-seeking moms are 

signing up to Join the Movement. 

With practical home workouts of just 

five minutes (and up), HomePros is the 

game-changing movement for busy 

moms who just want to move. 

Web: joinhomepros.com 

Email: info@joinhomepros.com 

WhatsApp: 516-466-3776 

IG: @joinhomepros 

Naomi 

Nachman 

(Cookbook Author, 

Culinary Teacher, and 

Food & Travel blogger) My 

Peloton doesn’t travel with 

me. HomePros does and I’ve 

used it consistently in my 

recent travels! 

Malkie 

Knopfler 

(The Malkie 

Show host and 

lover of life) - I’ve used 

HomePros in every room 

in my house and you’ve 

all seen the video 

evidence! 

Alyssa 

Goldwater 

(Chicago based, 

‘Real Mom’ IG figure) I 

love that HomePros is not 

about making elaborate 

fitness goals. It’s about 

practical movement to 

feel alive! 

Abi 

Radcliffe 

(Digital Content 

Creator and Stylist) I 

joined HomePros because 

it’s the perfect platform to 

squeeze in some mindful 

fitness wherever I am! 

30


Weight 

Loss News 

You May 

31 


Have 

Missed 

By Basya Kovacs 

CORONA LIVES ON: 

ON OUR WAISTLINES! 

wWe all know that obesity numbers are on the rise, 

but according to a recent study there has been a 

significantly accelerated weight gain during the 

pandemic, particularly in children and teens. 

CDC numbers show that 22% of children were obese 

in 2020 compared to 19% in 2019. “Rates of increase 

for body mass index or obesity doubled during the 

pandemic,” claims Dr. Helene Felman at Banner 

University Medical Center. 

Here’s a breakdown of how much weight kids actually 

gained, on average: 

• Kids of a healthy weight gained about 5 lbs. 

• Moderately obese children put on an extra 12 lbs. 

• Severely obese children put on an extra 14 lbs. on 

average. 

What can we do about this pandemic within a 

pandemic? Try to encourage children to move! Too 

much screen time and being indoors and sedentary 

rather than corona itself is at the root of the weight 

gain. Turning on some music and dancing, taking a 

walk, taking the stairs, or learning a new sport will all 

go a long way to slow the rising tide of obesity. 

Basya Kovacs is one of Nutrition by Tanya’s beloved nutrition 

counselors. Having lost over 30 lbs. and keeping it off for ten 

years, Basya shares her balanced, practical approach 

to health and weight loss. To have your health and 

weight loss questions answered, please email us at 

info@healthandheelsmagazine.com.

healthy soul 

SOUL 

FOOD 


This should 

probably be a 

Pesach article, but 

since it has been 

on my mind a 

lot lately, I guess 

now is the right 

time. You see, I 

think I’m a Candy 

Crush addict. 

My daughter 

once told me 

that I shouldn’t 

be making the 

brachah “sheloh 

asani aved,” which 

blesses Hashem 

for not making me 

a slave. I thought 

it was very funny 

at the time but it 

recently had me 

thinking. 

The 

High 

Price of 

Candy 

By Amy Lefcoe 

I mainly use Candy Crush as a 

reward. I’ll usually sit down at the 

kitchen table for 20 minutes to 

play, after I’ve cooked, served, and 

cleaned up dinner. Or I could sit 

for 20 minutes before I go to bed 

after a long day of accomplishing. 

My best games are Motzaei 

Shabbos because that combines 

all my reward criteria. Sometimes 

I use it to make myself feel better, 

and finally I might play just for 

something to do (like when I’m on 

an airplane). Wow! As I’m writing 

this I’m noticing the similarity in my 

relationship between Candy Crush 

and real candy. 

I’ve started saying more Tehillim 

these days for obvious reasons. The 

day-to-day madness in the world 

and the challenges each one of us 

experiences daily require additional 

artillery. I commented in the last 

issue about how much I love that 

I can effect change in Heaven. So 

Tehillim is another opportunity to 

tip those Heavenly scales on the 

side of good. 

A nagging voice has started 

showing up during my game 

playing. It’s the same theme over 

and over. “Do you know how many 

chapters of Tehillim you could’ve 

said in the last 20 minutes?” 

32

ohealthy soul 

Of course my yetzer hara has all the 

answers. “You can say some Tehillim after 

you’re done playing” or “You’re way too 

tired to say Tehillim now. Say it in the 

morning when you are fresh.” Sometimes 

we negotiate: Win a level, say a perek. 

That one I at least consider a success. 

In any case, you get the picture. I used 

to look at the level that I was on and 

multiply by 10 minutes (I don’t even know 

it that’s an accurate average) and then 

think of all the things I could’ve done with 

that time. I literally don’t have the nerve 

to do that anymore. 

How many things are we doing on a 

daily basis that we don’t even realize 

are taking us away from our avodas 

Hashem? This is not about to turn into 

an anti-smartphone or the evils of the 

internet article. (There are already many 

that have been written and are certainly 

filled with wisdom). My focus here is on 

everything else. For me it’s Candy Crush 

and for you it might be Instagram. For 

someone else it could be television, 

whether it’s happening on an actual TV 

or on a laptop. Sometimes, oddly enough, 

it can be our avodas Hashem itself. If 

we’re overly occupied with doing chesed 

or listening to shiurim, this can take us 

away from the things that should come 

first. And among the things that should 

come first (children, husband, tefillah, 

self-examination with the goal of growth) 

is where true G-d connection is found. 

Ultimately, we are missing precious 

opportunities in what a relationship 

with G-d offers and what the Ramchal 

tells us in Derech Hashem Chapter 2: 

“The purpose of all that was created 

was therefore to bring into existence a 

creature who could derive pleasure from 

G-d’s own good, in a way that would be 

possible for it.” Well, that puts a new 

perspective on my Candy Crush game. 

I’m not saying we should give up things 

that help us relax and recharge. We 

are human beings and there is a place 

for downtime and giving our brains a 

break. What I’m suggesting particularly 

to myself is that maybe it’s time to 

reconsider how I’m doing that and for 

how long. 

What’s your candy and how much is it 

costing you? 

33 


Amy Lefcoe is a Jewish educator 

and loves sharing her passion for 

Torah and Jewish outlook. She is a 

teacher at BINA Girls High School 

in Norfolk, VA, and speaks for 

women’s groups locally and in Israel. 

Amy is a graduate of The Fashion 

Institute of Technology and has 

pursued Jewish studies over the past 

three decades. She is a certified 

emunah and marriage coach through 

Machon HaAdam HaShalem and 

remains an active participant in the 

organization’s personal growth and 

G-d-centered chaburas. In addition, 

she is a graduate of the revolutionary 

Shiras Sarah Teachers Training 

Fellowship. Amy spends her time with 

her husband Kevin, children, family 

and dear friends. She can be reached 

at alefcoe626@gmail.com.

healthy soul 


Sunny Levi 

Recap: 

Sunny Levi is one of ten 

certified female seventhdegree 

black belts in 

the country. In addition to being a Taekwondo 

master and an elite athlete who was once 

on a path to the Olympics, she was also a 

professional actress, appearing in numerous 

commercials and films and aspiring to work 

her way up to what she thought was “the top,” 

becoming a Hollywood star. 

Then Sunny made some major turns in her life. 

She is now a mother of six, fitness trainer, selfdefense 

and yoga instructor, and emunah life 

Well, to understand me better we need to put 

some things in context. Let’s go back in time to 

1968 when my story began. 

Picture the scene: a cold day in January at 

the University of Illinois in Chicago. The 

lobby outside the Pier Room was packed 

with students, some brandishing signs, some 

shouting demands to end U.S. Marine Corps 

recruitment on campus. The university police 

surrounded the protesters. Amid the sea of 

faces opposed to America’s war in Vietnam, 

two protesters laid eyes on each other. 

The guy, a few years older, oddly enough in a 

suit and tie, and an adorable economics major, 

trendy for the era in her tights and mini dress. 

The grad student approached her, flashing 

a bold smile and asked, “Are you a 

demonstrator?” 

To which she responded, teasing the suit getup, 

“Are you a narc?” 

He liked what he heard and asked her out, and 

the rest is history. Mine. 

It was instant fireworks for my parents. Love at 

first sight. 

And exactly one week later, 

Beverly Kolodny and Gary 

Siegel—socialists, sometimes- 

Marxists, often radicals, 

counter-cultural hippie 

activists, liberals—were 

engaged to be married. 

Now keep in mind 

that despite their 

quick engagement 

this was not shidduch 

dating, nor were they 

necessarily looking to 

marry within their 

faith, nor were they 

coach who is passionate about eating clean, 

the outdoors, and being best friends with G-d. 

Her daughter, Eden, at age 17, wrote and 

published a book on emunah for teens, and 

her husband, Daniel, a former Reform Jew 

gone Buddhist, meditating in the ashrams of 

Thailand, is now a psychotherapist who spends 

his Rosh Hashanahs in Uman. 

Sunny shares her interesting and inspiring 

story with us about her past, her life lessons, 

and how this all came to be. 

even looking to get married! It was purely 

coincidence, fate, the hand of G-d, or whatever 

you call it when things just work out. 

And after a few happy years of marriage, Bev 

and Gary jubilantly welcomed their first child 

to the world—Adam Montag (or as we call him, 

Moon-tag!). 

All was groovy for the new family of three. 

Adam was born in Champaign-Urbana, main 

campus of University of Illinois, where Bev 

and Gary went for grad school. My mom went 

into a master’s program in journalism, and my 

dad, having abandoned a graduate program 

in accounting, switched into PhD studies in 

sociology, both all the better to change the 

world. 

Then a little while later my mom got pregnant 

again. 

This time, however, they were in for the shock 

of their lives. 

Because upon meeting their second child, Josh, 

they discovered that things were not right with 

him. 

Like, really not right. 

How not right? 

Well, for one thing, he had a strange condition 

going on in his eyes that the doctors couldn’t 

identify. His retinas were deteriorating. He was 

a baby going blind, and no one knew what 

else to expect. 

Now let’s just pause for 

a moment and try to 

imagine this: Two young, 

carefree, hippie spirits, 

loving up their son, building 

up their careers, thrilled to 

welcome another baby to their 

clan, and then, all of a sudden, like a storm 

of cement bricks raining down from the top 

of a ten-story building on an otherwise 

totally clear and sunny day, baby 

number two pops out like a wrecking 

34

all. And instead of the expected smiles, 

hugs, and congratulations, they got 

a bevy of urgently concerned doctors 

and specialists poking, prodding, and 

unanimously announcing that their child 

was super messed up, and that basically... 

he never would be okay. 

Oh, and he might very well have eye 

cancer too. 

I shudder to imagine how difficult this 

was for my parents. 

And just like that, moments after he was 

born, the doctors whisked the baby off 

for spinal taps, investigations, endless eye 

exams, and conferencing. 

Meanwhile, nervous relatives waited 

in confusion, fear, and dread. 

Eventually my mom discovered 

that she carried a rare gene for 

“Norrie’s.” 

What is Norrie’s, you ask? 

It’s a genetic condition, passed 

through the female and affecting 

only males, which strikes with a 

combination of blindness with 

either deafness and/or mental 

retardation. 

My mom’s mom didn’t really 

mention this little genetic hiccup 

to her daughter because she was 

told by her obstetrician not to 

worry, and that whatever gene 

had affected her two brothers had 

certainly ended with her. 

Say what? What two brothers? By now 

you must be a little confused… 

Well, it turns out my grandmother had 

two brothers. My mom knew the younger 

one, Uncle Frankie. He was blind and 

deaf. But she didn’t know anything about 

her other uncle. Her mom didn’t speak 

of him much except for in strange code 

when discussing the Holocuast. “I was 

lucky to get out when I was little,” was 

her usual comment. “My brother wasn’t.” 

Turns out, as was discovered some 35 

years later in the labor and recovery unit 

of the hospital, my grandmother had an 

older brother who was among the first 

to be murdered by the Nazis, not just 

because he was Jewish, but because he 

was blind and deaf as well. 

And here it was being unearthed on 

healthy soul 

account of my mom’s second son in the 

most disturbing and shocking way: The 

Norrie gene was alive and well. And Josh 

was its next-generation victim. Just like 

my grandmother’s older brother, Josh 

was struck with blindness and what they 

would later discover was severe mental 

retardation. 

But despite Josh’s grim diagnosis, my 

parents were not the type to sit back 

and accept his condition without trying 

everything out there first. They took him 

to the top pediatric specialists. 

And despite all the doctors’ opinions that 

nothing could be done, my dad wouldn’t 

take no for an answer. He continued 

to research, read, and explore every 

option out there, until one day he came 

across an article about a Christian faith 

healer—a reverend, in the Chicago area, 

no less—who had a reputation for healing 

those deemed hopeless by doctors. 

My dad immediately called this supposed 

miracle worker—whom Time Magazine 

had credited with healing a girl of 

exactly the eye cancer the doctors said 

Josh had—and made an appointment. 

When my parents got to his house in 

Homewood, Illinois, the first thing they 

noticed was the cross around his neck, 

with a very unusual 

piece of what 

appeared to be 

Judaica beside it. 

They were standing 

eye to eye with 

a minister in the 

Pyramid of Light 

Christian Esoteric 

Church, a scientist 

with many patents to his credit, and 

a student of what he called “Christian 

Kabbalah,” the Jewish mystical tradition. 

“Is that a mezuzah?” asked my father, 

referring to the thin rectangular thing 

next to the cross around his neck. 

Surprised by his question, the minister 

answered in the affirmative and asked, 

“How do you know what a mezuzah is? 

Are you Jewish?” 

Sheepishly, my parents shook their heads 

yes. 

And that’s when things really got 

interesting! 

“You Jews had the best magic, but 

you threw it out,” he told them. 

“Ask the average Jew on the street 

a question about Judaism, and 

they don’t know anything.” With 

passion in his eyes, he spoke about 

how wonderful their holy books 

were, and that it was from the 

Jewish Kabbalah and Torah that 

he had learned so much about 

healing and energy work. 

They visited the healer for two 

years. He never healed my brother 

of blindness, but he certainly 

opened my parents’ eyes to 

exploring the beauty of their 

own religion. His interpretations 

of familiar Bible stories, to their 

astonishment, were inspiring, and 

they suddenly made sense. 

Until they didn’t... 

Until he said that the Jews were never 

slaves in Egypt, and that Passover was 

based on a faulty understanding of 

a metaphor, that it had never really 

happened. 

My parents decided to seek other 

answers. 

Sunny Levi is a mother of six, a seventh-degree black-belt taekwondo 

master, personal trainer, yoga and self-defense instructor, inspirational 

speaker, writer and teacher of personal prayer. In addition to teaching 

and coaching women and children both in person and online, Sunny also 

works as a martial arts therapist at Kids Kicking Cancer where she 

helps children with chronic illness overcome the fear and physical 

discomfort of their condition and treatment. Sunny is passionate 

about spreading emunah, eating clean, drinking green, hiking and 

talking to G-d. She and her family recently moved from Chicago to 

Scottsdale, Arizona. You can keep up with her on Instagram at @ 

sunnyblackbelt or Facebook at Sunny Ariella 

Levi, or Sunny’s Martial Arts and Fitness. 

35 


healthy soul 

Numerology 

& Gemology 

FROM A TORAH PERSPECTIVE 

w 


36 

By Atara Malka Silva 

What Is Jewish Numerology? 

Every person has a name. Our names 

tell us a story. The Hebrew word for soul 

is neshamah; in the middle of which is 

the word for name, shem. The gematria 

(numerical value) of the word shem is 

340, and the word sefer (book/story) has 

the gematria of 340. Our names tell us 

our story, strengths, characteristics, and 

the tools we are given in this world to 

accomplish our purpose. Every letter in 

the Hebrew alphabet has its strengths, 

weaknesses, elements, and different 

energies as a driving force. 

Your name is made up of different Hebrew 

letters. G-d gave each of these letters to 

you to serve as tools to complete your 

spiritual mission during your lifetime. In 

addition to your given name, the month 

you were born in has its characteristics and 

energies. Combining the name and the 

month and date of birth and the day of 

the week, as well as looking at the parshah 

(weekly Torah portion) that was read at 

the time of your birth, creates your own 

spiritual DNA. All of this information can 

show the potential for your soul. 

We’ve all heard of the word mazel, and 

it’s often translated as luck. That’s not 

entirely accurate. The word mazel means 

a drip from above. At the time of your 

birth, all the planets and constellations 

were in a particular position. And yes, they 

do influence you. One may say, “ein mazel 

l’Yisrael—there’s no mazel in Israel, ‘’ as 

it doesn’t affect us. As Rabbi Aron Moss 

puts it, “When the Talmud says we are 

not subject to mazel, it means we are not 

limited to our destiny; rather, our actions 

determine our fate.” 

Jewish numerology gives you a look 

from the outside in, and it gives us the 

personalized Torah perspective based on 

the letters in your name, your birth date, 

your birth time, and planets ruling at a 

specific time at your birth. G-d uses the sky 

and stars to influence His rule in this world, 

but ultimately G-d governs the astrological 

bodies. 

I was always fascinated learning about 

personality traits and how people think 

and act with such characteristics. The 

zodiac signs were another topic that 

was very intriguing for me. Still, as a 

teenager, I was always worried that I was 

doing something wrong by looking at the 

astrological signs and trying to understand 

them. This guilty feeling came from 

knowing that Judaism frowns upon using 

astrology to predict the future (I thought 

all parts of astrology are off-limits). I 

remember going to a shiur when I was 

around 16, and the rabbi giving the lecture 

was talking about how during the month 

of Nisan the mazel or astrological sign 

of the month is Aries, the ram or sheep. 

Sheep stay together, and in the month 

of Nisan it’s about building relationships, 

etc. He spoke about the month of Iyar 

and how the mazel of the month is a 

Taurus, the bull. The bull is an independent 

animal. The whole month of Iyar we have 

the mitzvah of the Omer. Each day of the 

Omer is connected to a sefirah, and we 

need to work on something specific each 

day. 

This was fascinating to me; he was talking 

about a taboo topic! After the shiur I went 

over to him to thank him for the class

healthy soul 

and clarify what was just shared with us. 

I asked, “Don’t the mazalos fall under 

astrology? And if so, doesn’t the Torah 

prohibit us from looking at astrology?” He 

answered, “The Torah doesn’t allow you 

to look at astrology to predict the future. 

That goes against having emunah and 

bitachon, faith and trust in G-d. You are 

permitted to understand how the mazel 

of the month influences your personality. 

It is actually encouraged. It can help you 

understand your weaknesses and use the 

strengths to your advantage.” 

Since then I would look for Jewish sources 

to read more and understand the 

zodiac signs better. As I learned more, 

I understood that each zodiac sign and 

month has an element attached to it that 

makes an impression on the personality. 

The four elements are air, earth, fire, 

and water. I then went to lectures about 

the aleph-beis and learned how each 

letter has its strengths and weaknesses 

and that each letter is also influenced 

by one of the four elements. Eventually, 

this led me to study under Rebbetzin 

Orit Esther Riter. I became a certified 

Jewish numerology practitioner and I also 

learned about gemstones with her and use 

this knowledge in my business daily. 

In future publications I’ll share about 

gemstones and how they have been used 

and discussed in the Torah and Talmud. I’ll 

also share how the elements of our names 

and our birth months can shed some light 

on our personalities. Not only will this 

information help you understand yourself 

better, it can also help you understand the 

people in your life. 

37 


We would love to hear from you, our 

readers: What topics in Jewish numerology 

and gemstone decoding would you love 

for us to write about? Email submission@ 

healthandheelsmagazine.com. 

Atara Malka Silva uses her faith and passion for coaching 

to dive down deep on what is happening in your life. As a 

certified life coach, a woman of Jewish faith, and a 

dedicated problem solver, Atarah loves bringing 

her clients clarity and direction so they can 

change their lives for the better! Atarah 

passionately teaches about emunah and 

bitachon. In addition to coaching, she also 

enjoys creating abstract art, numerology, 

and gemstone reports based on a Jewish 

perspective for her clients so they can better 

understand themselves.

wellness & beauty 

Winter Fashion 

FEATURING SHIRA 

ON FRINGE 

By Shira Walden 

This photo shoot was an impromptu 

attempt to get high-resolution 

photos. I am so grateful to the 

people who came together from 

one night to the next morning. They 

supported my vision and dream 

of putting everyday people into 

clothes and capturing photos that 

not only display fashion, but exude 

friendship and life. 

Thank you to: 

Lilyta Photography: lilyta_photography 

Esti Glabman: @estiglabman 

Fay Deutsch: @fay2.3 

Fruma Scheiner: @fruma_s 

Proportionately, a 

cropped jacket is 

perfect to wear with 

a maxi dress. The 

crop shape balances 

the length of the 

dress, brings the 

eye upward and 

can add height to 

the body. It also 

adds definition to 

the waist. Cropped 

jackets are also 

great paired with a 

high-waisted skirt. 

If you’re curious about the best way to style an oversized 

denim jacket, here’s a few simple rules for wearing this 

staple. First, pair oversized cuts with slim-fit bottoms 

This doesn't necessarily have to always be a pencil skirt. 

Whether you choose a skirt or dress, the fit should be 

fairly close to the leg to help maintain shape. Next, 

don't be afraid to wear it with denim. In fact, many 

of our favorite outfits include a denim-on-denim look. 

And finally, experiment with it. Try wearing it off your 

shoulders, rolling up the sleeves, pairing it with booties, 

sneakers, or wedges. The sky's the limit. 


The most flattering slip skirts are typically made 

with silky materials, which provide the skirt with 

a luxurious feel and allow it to drape fluidly over 

your body. During the cooler months, a sweater 

keeps you warm while its chunky silhouette 

perfectly balances out the clean lines of a slip. 

38


Dressing head to toe in a single 

color may sound daunting, but 

it is one of the easiest ways 

to elevate your look. Whether 

in a bold or a subdued hue, a 

monochrome outfit takes the 

guesswork out of getting dressed. 

With this strategy, pulling 

together an outfit has never been 

easier because you won’t have to 

worry if two pieces coordinate. 

39 


There is nothing as classic as a 

denim skirt and white tee. An 

outfit that’s cute yet requires 

little effort. An outfit that is 

chic enough for pictures yet 

laid back enough to spend the 

day with family and friends. 

A few tips to keep in mind: You 

are going to want to include 

various textures to add depth and 

dimension to the outfit. Breathe 

easy, as you don’t necessarily 

need to have pieces in the exact 

same shade to make this look 

work. Lastly, if you're feeling a bit 

more adventurous, try adding a 

contrasting pop of color in your 

shoes or accessories. 

When it comes to fall and winter 

wardrobe staples, a plaid blazer is 

definitely a winner. From a casual 

coffee run, to date night, to the 

office, plaid blazers can help create 

many different looks. When wearing 

a patterned blazer, you will want to 

stick with solid colors for your top 

and bottom. Pick a secondary color 

in your blazer (usually tan, beige, or 

cream) and layer a top underneath in 

that tone. Then add a skirt in another 

secondary color. Finish the look with 

a coordinating shoe. This outfit leans 

towards a little preppy but looks classy 

nonetheless. 

Monochromatic 

sets such as this 

one are hot this 

season and they 

come in many 

color variations! 

Graphic tees have been trending, 

and it’s time to hop on. Not only 

are they super-comfortable, but 

the styles and messages on them 

are a perfect way to display your 

individuality. That’s what makes 

having them so much fun! Graphic 

tees pair effortlessly with many 

styles of skirts while adding a fun, 

fashionable twist. You can layer a 

jacket to keep warm and to add 

some structure to this slouchy top.


From Gym Rat 

to Clean and 

Put Together 

in Ten 

Minutes 

or Less 

By Tanya Rosen 

IS THE NEED TO BE 

DRESSED AND PUT 

TOGETHER SOON AFTER A 

WORKOUT STOPPING YOU 

FROM WORKING OUT? 

BEFORE 

Here’s how I do it in five 

to seven minutes… 

sometimes several 

times a day! 

PREP! 

I have a written checklist 

of everything I need to 

bring with me in my 

gym bag, such as: 

• Deodorant 

• Body spray 

• Perfume 

• Sneakers 

• Socks 

• Even things I may 

forget, like a belt and a shell 

and extra stockings in case 

they rip. 

PACK IT the night before and go over the 

checklist in the morning. 

MAKE COPIES of this checklist instead of 

writing it over every time. 

KEEP THINGS IN THE GYM BAG 

instead of packing it each time. Yes, it’s 

doubles, but it saves time and error. 

NO DISTRACTIONS, only getting ready: 

Avoid checking your phone or getting into 

conversations or making to-do lists. 

Get ready first. 

MAKEUP SHORTCUTS 

When there’s no time at all I just put on 

bright lipstick and a little bronzer. I also 

put on waterproof mascara and liner in 

the morning so it stays on throughout my 

workout. 

SHOWER SHORTCUT 

No shower available or no 

time for one? 

I love fitness wipes and 

shower spray. 

These are almost as good 

as a shower and are 

available on Amazon. 


AFTER 

HIDE THE 

EVIDENCE: 

Don’t leave your gym 

bag and its contents out. 

Stuff everything in and 

put it away. (Spray air 

freshener in the room 

too.) 

40

Jen Sharbani 

Dear Miri, 

There are so many new and 

beautiful styles for covered 

beachwear! Here are some 

highlights from some new and 

upcoming brands that you 

might want to try. 

By wearing these gorgeous, 

fashionable swimsuits on vacation 

you are not only elevating the 

mitzvah of being modest for 

yourself, you are also showing other 

women around you a way to look 

and how to be fabulously tznius 

while on vacation. With these great 

styles there’s no need to “take a 

vacation” from modesty. 


Dear Modestly Yours, 

I’m going away somewhere warm for winter break and I 

need some ideas for how to stay modest on the beach. 

Miri K., Brooklyn, New York 

Snake print dress 

by CVRGE 

Modestly 

Enjoy your trip and I hope you’ll 

Yours 

send in some pictures! 

Beachy cover-up 

by Formentera 

Puff sleeved one-piece with 

sarong skirt by Formentera 

Midnight zip top 

with tie-dye skirt 

by CVRGE 

Jen Sharbani, aka Modestly Yours, 

is a Great Neck, New York, native, 

living in the fashion capital of the 

world. Modestly Yours most recently 

created a designer collection of 

modest swimwear women can feel 

proud to wear from day to night! 

CVRGE is made for modest women 

seeking to look their very best while 

being gorgeously modest. Jen has 

had a passion for fashion from a 

very young age, attending college at 

FIT and from there landing at top 

European fashion houses, 

Valentino and Chloe, 

before taking some 

time out to raise 

her three children. 

41 



GET TO KNOW THE INFLUENCERS YOU THINK YOU 

KNOW ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL. 

things you didn’t 10know about me, 

Devorah 

Soroka: 

I 

01 

ran ten full marathons and 

many halves (and Boston 

qualified three times!). 


@DSWIGDESIGN 

42


02 03 

I have, ka”h, nine kids ages 3 

months to 19 years, five boys 

and four girls. 

I got a corona puppy. His 

name is Charlie and he’s the 

cutest little Maltese dog. 

43 


04 

My favorite color in the world is aqua. 

My whole house is filled with different 

shades of it—from my dining room and 

kitchen chairs to my washing cups. 

05 

I got a BA and started 

a graduate program in 

speech therapy. 

06 

I love to travel, especially to warm 

climates! Been to Costa Rica, 

Belize, Cancun, Puerto Rico and 

the Bahamas. 

07 

I’ve been doing taharahs since 

I was 24 years old. It’s one of 

my favorite mitzvos to do. 

08 

I’m a foodie! I love preparing, serving, 

and cooking pretty, tasty foods. I’m 

10 

even on a “foodies chat” where we 

share many delicious recipes and 

foods we eat. 

09 

I’m super social but I absolutely 

hate public speaking! Although 

I had to do it on a regular basis 

since high school, when I was G.O. 

president, then N’shei president 

and PTA president as a mom. But 

I still shake every time I speak in 

front of an audience. 

Besides 

establishing and 

running my own 

salon (DS Wig 

Design), I started 

my own line of 

wigs called “Atara” 

years ago. I also 

have my own line 

of extensions, 

halos, as well 

as a website to 

purchase all things 

hair and wigs.


Shira on Fringe 

By Shira Walden 

Everybody always asks me how I got into this 

business. This story is more about sisterhood 

than it is about a boutique. 

There are two sides to sisterhood. The first 

is mirroring, the search for oneself through 

reflection of the other—that which powers the 

undercurrent power struggle, competition, 

and insecurity; the delicate dance of love 

and hate that only siblings often share. Then 

there is the built-in best friend. 

Tova always knew how to see the bigger 

picture. The first to dip her toe—actually, to 

cannonball—into the pool of opportunities, 

and pull me in afterward. Into the cold lakes 

spotted across Ontario, whizzing down the 

steep road in rollerblades she went, and I 

followed. From teaching dance to teaching 

high school she forged, and I joined. In a 

twisted sense of fate she got divorced, as did 

I the same calendar year. Much like brethren 

sharing a foxhole, we sought solace in each 

other. The unconditional love, mutual respect 

of sisterhood grew, and the competition 

faded into dust of the past immaturity. 

Tova and I have a yin-yang thing going on. 

She is the Coke to my Sprite, the sweet red 

wine to my dry white, and most importantly, 

the air to my fire. What we discovered here is 

that together our differences create a more 

wholesome result. So Tova shared Fringe with 

me and eight months later we transformed it 

to Sisters on Fringe with two locations, one in 

Toronto and one in south Florida. 

Fringe is a place where two sisters curate 

a collection of modest fashion for their 

communities. The racks are the confluence of 

female entrepreneurs, providing access to a 

wide range of modest fashion. The boutique 

is a culmination of many Jewish brands, 

bringing diversity, unity, and sisterhood. 

Our motto here is dress to express, 

not impress. There is this idea in pop 

culture today of the ideal woman. 

It’s not explicitly said; it’s more of 

an image portrayed and taken in 

by the subconscious mind. We adopt 

this idea without even realizing it, 

of how one is supposed to look. It’s 

ever-present in our everyday lives, 

right there in the palm of our hands. 

To the point that when we look in 

the mirror, what we see reflecting 

back is what’s wrong rather than 

what’s right. How do I know? I have 

this large mirror in my store, leaning 

against a wall. Standing in front 

of that mirror is a vulnerable place 

for people to be. The truth is, there 

is no one way to look. Diversity is 

what makes us whole. The sum of 

our parts is greater than the whole. 

There is so much beauty in our 

differences. There is always a dress 

that is right—for your unique shape, 

for your style, and your expression. 

And what I want to create at Fringe 

is a celebration of life. To empower 

women to look in that mirror and see 

what’s right, to see their beauty and 

express it. 

sisters on 

Shira 

Tova 

women owned 

sister owned 

Visit us 

FLORIDA 

TORONTO 


FRINGEBOUTIQUEFL. COM 

@ SHIRAONFRINGE 

FRINGEBOUTIQUETO. COM 

@ FRINGE. BOUTIQUE 

44

45 


healthy finances 

WOMEN& 

FINANCES 

When I sat down to write this article 

I was going to start with “reasons 

why women should get involved in 

their personal finances,” but then it 

hit me: Why are women in 2021 not 

getting involved and self-educating? 

The answer obviously differs from 

one person to the next. Here are 

some first-hand responses I got from 

women over the past few years. 

By Etty Surkis 

Ignorance is bliss: “Let someone else deal 

with the financial burden.” Often this is 

said by women who have some embedded 

childhood trauma where money was poorly 

handled. For many, this “ignorance is bliss” 

approach works. A lot of the time it works 

well for many years. I have met some 

wonderful men/husbands who want to take 

care of their families and offer the ones they 

love complete financial peace of mind. Yet 

I have heard too many stories from women 

where it ultimately backfired. 

Serious illnesses, such as a stroke, can wreak 

havoc. Women have been in situations where 

they needed to make decisions due to a 

spouse being ill, yet they were ill-prepared 

and therefore couldn’t find important 

documents. 

This reminds me of a story my friend 

experienced. Her husband suffered a stroke, 

and she was going to spend Shabbos in 

the hospital with him. Since he could not 

communicate with her she went to the 

Finkelstein Memorial Library in Monsey to 

get some reading material. They asked her 

for a legal document/utility bill with her 

name and address on it in order to open an 

account. She had none. She was devastated. 

She left empty-handed but fully aware that 

she needed to make changes. 

I’ve had multiple widows call me in total 

shock after their husband’s sudden death. 

Clueless as to which bank they banked with, 

clueless as to which car insurance carrier 

they were using, and clueless as to the login 

info of their deceased spouse’s emails to 

retrieve information on bills being paid by 

autopay. One particular such scenario was 

a woman who was the breadwinner and her 

husband was a tremendous talmid chacham 

and was learning full time. While this woman 

was working very hard to make money, she 

had never been involved in managing the 

state of their finances. 

There are divorced women who reached 

out to me. Their world and dreams had just 

shattered, and they don’t know where 

and how to pick up the pieces. 

Then there’s this average young family 

that has a hard working, responsible 

household leader who made a business 

investment that didn’t go as planned and 

would wish to discuss it with their spouse/ 

wife without judgment. What comes to 

mind here is a very sweet couple I met with. 

The wife politely asked to excuse herself to 

give her husband space so he can honestly 

share their amount of debt without him 

being humiliated by her presence. I was in 

shock and said, “NO! He needs you here, 

specifically now! To gain your support! You 

are in this together and you will get out of 

this situation together!” 

My financial approach to every home is that 

it should be a shared experience. A wife can 

and should give financial encouragement, 

and couples should dream, build, and 

prosper together. 


46 

Not my role: It’s true that years ago, 

with lower standards of living, women 

were busier with everyday tasks that 

needed to be done at home. It was 

enough for there to be a single-income 

earner per family. It was usually the man 

of the house who went out to work and 

covered the household expenses and 

completed the financial transactions. 

At age 24 I experienced something 

that really made me think. I was in a 

bungalow colony that was collecting 

money for Chai Lifeline. A young 

child went knocking door to door for 

small donations. I, the last bungalow 

in the circle, saw the envelope was 

practically empty. Later that day when 

many ladies got together I shared my 

observation and was wondering why. I 

got a resounding response of “I need to 

ask my husband,” to which I then asked, 

“Did you ask your husband about buying 

Danishes in the morning when the 

bakery truck came by?” 

Raising a healthy family does not 

involve lines drawn in the sand; there are 

bridges that must be crossed if you are 

to have a balanced home. This includes 

not only chinuch but should also include 

critical life decisions like your finances. 

Today, with two-working-parent 

households and so many women in the 

workforce, I ask why should we stop 

there? For many it doesn’t stop there, 

but there’s still a long way to go to get 

every family aligned with their finances 

and values. 

There are times that I hear “it was my 

mother who set some money aside and 

secured a healthy retirement for herself, 

myself, and even for my children.” This 

is a great example for the future and 

should be the norm. 

Just not financially savvy: 

“I’m very capable and I work. 

As a matter of fact, I specialize 

in my line of work, but finances 

intimidate me.” 

This boggles my mind. The 

thought is that people spend 

thousands of hours a year 

earning money, but they won’t 

spend a tenth of those hours 

learning to maximize their 

financial potential or becoming 

money smart so their money 

should work for them as 

opposed to them working for 

money! Let’s get educated so 

we can be proactive planners 

and smart savers.

47 

Good News Is… 

According to the Huffington Post, 

Warren Buffett invests like a girl. 

What? Doesn’t everyone know 

that men are better investors than 

women? 

Not if they read. When you really 

examine what we know about how 

men and women do at investing, 

we find that women do just fine 

at investing, both 

for themselves 

and for others. 

Women, 

like men, 

bring some 

gender-linked 

qualities to 

investing that 

can actually 

help. So when 

someone 

says 

Warren Buffett 

invests like a girl, what they mean 

is that he invests calmly, does a lot 

of research, and exercises a lot of 

patience. 

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SHE’S BOSS 

Managing As a Businessmom 

By Malky Blum 

Welcome! I am excited to introduce the “She’s 

Boss” column to fellow women in the community. 

There are few things I’m more passionate about 

than the topics you’ll be reading about here. 

This column will focus on businessmoms and 

how we can do better at the “business” without 

compromising on the “moms.” In the installments 

ahead I will share what I’ve learned in my years 

running multiple businesses and advising others 

on how to better manage theirs. It is not so much 

a business advice column as it is a personal 

column 

Malky 

for businesswomen. 

I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I 

enjoy sharing it. 


48 

I once heard someone remark that 

entrepreneurs will work 100 hours a 

week so they don’t have to work 40. 

Now, these ambitious folks might 

not hate their new boss and might 

even make more money—although 

not nearly as much as others think— 

but let’s be honest: Working harder is 

generally not what they signed up for. 

It is understandable, though. When 

every business expense is money 

out of pocket and every hour off is 

potential income lost, it is only natural 

to want to do more and make every 

buck possible. But in reality, you didn’t 

go out on your own to be a slave to 

your business; you want that business 

to work for you! 

CONTROLLING YOUR 

TIME IS THE 

#1 BOSS MOVE 

Recently, I assisted a young mother 

who told me matter-of-factly that she 

won’t be available at night because 

she’s driving from Lakewood to 

Brooklyn to pick up something for 

her business. “Who’s watching your 

daughter?” I asked. “Oh, I’m taking 

a babysitter.” I told her to take out a 

pen and paper to tabulate the hours 

this trip will take her, from when she 

starts getting dressed until after 

taking the babysitter home. Total was 

about five hours. 

Then I asked her to calculate 

the gas and tolls and babysitter 

expenses that she incurs by 

driving up herself vs. what it 

would cost her to pay a delivery 

service to do the job. With a 

difference of just about $50, she was 

essentially paying herself $10 an hour 

for this messenger job—not to mention 

messing up her evening, missing out 

on family time, and waking up tired 

the next morning. And she wonders 

why she’s burned out… 

If this story sounds extreme or 

amusing, rest assured that we are all 

guilty of it in some capacity when 

choosing what to put on our to-do 

list. If your focus turns you into being

a worker in your own business, you get all of the 

downside and none of the benefits of being an 

entrepreneur. When we’re not maximizing our time 

and resources to work on our business instead of in 

it, then the money we “save” easily becomes a net 

negative. 

One of my favorite business books carries the 

counterintuitive title Procrastinate on Purpose. 

Author Rory Vaden points out that time is fixed 

and there will always be more things to do than the 

time of the day (and night) allows for. Prioritization 

or reordering of your schedule will still not add 

hours to your day. Something has to give. 


So with time at a premium, how does a busy mom 

become a successful entrepreneur or businesswoman? 

Rory advises on five tools to maximize your time: 

Eliminate, Automate, Delegate, Procrastinate, and 

Concentrate. I will use my own words to briefly describe 

how I see each of them: 

ELIMINATE: 

Not everything is important. Even if it’s urgent, it still might not 

be that important in comparison to other matters you must tend to. 

If the clock is ticking on a special Chanukah coupon you wanted to 

offer, you should not make time for it at the expense of improving 

your product or service. Eliminate it—for now, at least. One example 

we find often is when we see well-run companies offer a refund 

instead of fixing a problem with a sale. In effect, they eliminate a 

time-consuming hassle to better use their time elsewhere. 

A UTOMATE: 

Create systems that do the work on your behalf without your 

direct involvement. Whether this is achieved through an online 

software, automatic registration renewal, or streamlining the same 

process for everyone, automation can literally multiply a fixed 

amount of time into endless utilization. 

D ELEGATE: 

Just as it sounds. Hire someone cheaper, younger or more 

adept at a particular job to do specific tasks for you. If your time 

is valued at a certain dollar amount per hour and there’s someone 

who can do this work for half that, you have just created value out 

of thin air and given yourself the most precious gift of all: time. 

PROCRASTINATE: 

There is a famous adage known as Parkinson’s law, stating that 

“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.” 

If you are faced with an obligation where you cannot apply one of 

the methods above, then wait to tend to that matter until it can no 

longer wait. Don’t give it more time than it needs. 

C ONCENTRATE: 

When the time comes to actually perform the task, maximize 

your time by dedicating 110% of your focus and concentration to the 

particular task at hand at the most opportune time. An hour on the 

phone with a top client during peak season where you’re on Do not 

Disturb mode is more productive than an hour of performing dozens 

of tasks in the background. 

49 


Time is our most precious commodity—whether we’re running a 

business, a household, or a marathon. If we put in the time to make 

our time work for us, we’ll be on our way to making it big time. 

Malky Blum is the founder and owner of HomePros, the online 

workout platform for busy moms; GymPros, among the largest Jewish 

gymnastics centers in the country; co-founder of the JGL, the Jewish 

Gymnastics League; and part-time business consultant. Malky is a 

lucky wife and mother of two who joins as many ninja classes as she 

can every week. In her spare time she laments the 

fact that women never have spare time.


ASK YOUR RECRUITER 

The Great Pivot 

By Estee Cohen 


Dear Estee, 

I have been in an office job 

for 12 years, and though it’s 

going fine, I really feel there is 

something else I could be doing. 

The problem is that every job 

I want to apply to I am either 

not qualified for or I don’t even 

get a response. Any ideas for 

someone who wants to make a 

career change? 

Thanks, 

Chanie 

Dear Chanie, 

Your situation is incredibly 

common but can be so frustrating! 

You know there’s something else 

out there for you but are not sure 

what it is nor how to get there. 

I get phone calls from people in 

this exact situation all the time. 

I recommend this exercise: Go 

through large job sites like Indeed 

or LinkedIn, look for jobs in your 

area with no filters. Take note 

of any job that catches your eye 

and makes you think “I would 

love that!” and write down the 

job title as well as the experience 

and education or training needed. 

Keep going until you have a list 

of at least ten different jobs. Now 

look for patterns. For example, if 

everything you’ve written down 

has to do with working with people 

or sales, then that’s a huge clue 

to what you’d be good at. If 

everything is medical based then 

that’s another path entirely. 

Once you find the pattern, narrow 

it down to the lowest-level position 

in that field or industry that you 

can tolerate pay wise. That is 

your starting point and new goal. 

If you need a specific license or 

certification to move toward your 

new career goal, spend a few 

hours researching a program or 

school near you. With so much 

being remote right now you 

should have many options. Make a 

timeline of how long it should take 

you to complete and get started. 

There is no reason to put long-term 

goals off; start the school application 

process today and you’ll get there. 

Even if it will take you several years 

to train in a new field, at some point 

in the future you will finish it and be 

so glad you did! 

If, however, your career goal 

doesn’t require training but requires 

experience you don’t have, one good 

idea is to see if your boss will let 

you handle a related project to gain 

experience. After you have at least 

a tiny amount of experience under 

your belt you can mention it in the 

very first bullet point under your 

current job title on your resume when 

applying for jobs. 

Personally, my first introduction to 

recruiting began when I was on the 

hiring committee at the school I 

worked for. I added that recruiting 

project to my resume after I fell 

in love with hiring, and my second 

career began. 

It’s not easy, but it’s possible! 

Estee Cohen has been in the recruiting 

industry for over a decade and has 

interviewed over 20,000 people and placed 

over 3,500 people in jobs from all sectors 

in over 300 companies. She is the CEO 

of California Job Shop, which is a thriving 

recruiting firm based in Los Angeles that 

handles permanent employee placements for 

companies throughout the US, 

not just in California. She has a 

master’s degree in educational 

administration, five amazing 

kids, a passion for science 

education and an addiction 

to aspartame. Follow 

her on Instagram.com/ 

californiajobshop. 

50

51 


Yael Ishakis 

VP, Branch Manager | NMLS #9879 

845-548-9075 

yishakis@fmm.com 

568 Cedar Lane, Teaneck, NJ 07666 

NMLS ID # 2212 | Licensed Mortgage Banker, NYS Department of Financial Services 

Licensed Residential Mortgage Lender, New Jersey Department of Banking and Insurance 

resilient 

FINANCIAL 

SOLUTIONS 

FINANCIAL 

NEEDS ANALYSIS 

LIFE & 

DISABILITY 

INSURANCE 

RETIREMENT 

PLANNING 

design@nichysilber.com 

Etty Surkis 

Financial 

Services 

Professional 

718.33.EXCEL (718.333.9235) 

Cell: 718.964.7060 

www.excelsumcapital.com 

etty@excelsumcapital.com 

Agent, New York Life Insurance Company. Registered 

Representative of NYLIFE Securities LLC (member FINRA, SIPC), 

144 Joseph Avenue, Staten Island, NY 10314-5056, a licensed 

insurance agency and New York Life company. 

Excelsum Capital Inc. is not 

owned or operated by NYLIFE 

Securities LLC or it’s 

affiliates.

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Coffee 

A Candid 

Chat with 

the Bosses 

53 


Break 

I met somebody 

recently who was in 

sales for many many 

years, without the 

use of a cell phone. 

Even while away on business she 

would use the hotel landline. Years 

away from that, not only do we 

have cellphones but we have many 

apps to make our life simpler and 

easier. I would love to hear from 

my readers what apps make your 

life easier. 

Below you will hear from business 

owners about their favorite apps. 

I’m not sure if our lives are easier 

with cell phones and apps; it seems 

like 

Stacey 

not having a phone is a dream 

of mine—I don’t know about you! ;-)


THIS MONTH’S TOPIC IS: 

What Two Apps Does Your 

Business Use That You 

Can’t Live Without? 

Blimy Glauber 

Malkie Scholnick 

Karen Behfar 


Hi, my name is Blimy Glauber. I 

am the CEO and owner of MBG 

Brokerage Inc., an insurance 

brokerage specializing in 

property and casualty insurance. 

I started my business in 

December of 2013 on my dining 

room table in my two-bedroom 

apartment in Brooklyn on my 

own. Since then I have brought 

my husband into the business 

and, baruch Hashem, we have 

been able to grow the company. 

The two apps I can’t live without 

are WhatsApp and Hawksoft. 

We use WhatsApp to 

communicate with our clients 

all day long to help maintain 

our customer service and 

satisfaction. 

Hawksoft is our management 

software. We use this software 

for our day-to-day management 

of our client data. 

Tanya Rosen 

WhatsApp! We have 86 

(no exaggeration!) 

WhatsApp groups 

for work chats and I 

can’t picture working 

without them. 

My alarms. I love my 

lists but I rely on alarms 

for everything! From phone 

sessions to the kids’ buses to 

drinking my water! 

Malkie 

Scholnick is 

the chief at 

The Bold 

Edge, where 

she has 

successfully 

trained 

more than 1,500 

designers through her graphic 

design, web design, and teen 

creative digital courses both 

online and via USB. 

Here are two apps that I really 

love: 

They save me so much time 

and keep me organized! 

Trello (trello.com) 

It is very visual and is great to: 

• Plan out a project 

• Plan out your meals for the 

week 

• Store inspiration according 

to categories 

Loom (loom.com) 

Great for: 

• Recording videos going 

over a project for a client 

• Creating training videos 

for staff 

Hi, I am a 

local real 

estate 

broker in 

Brooklyn. 

I was 

thinking 

about the two 

apps that I can’t live 

without and was debating 

between Instagram and 

WhatsApp, but when we 

had the social media/ 

WhatsApp outage a 

few months ago, the 

one that was harder for 

me to deal with was no 

WhatsApp—so WhatsApp 

takes the cake! 

The two apps that I 

can’t live without are 

WhatsApp and Clickup. 

95% of my 

communication with 

clients and agents in 

the office is through 

WhatsApp (I would 

rather have the 

convenience of 100 

WhatsApps than make 

one phone call, LOL). 

Another app I can’t live 

without is Clickup. It is 

a back-end system of 

how we input all our 

listings and communicate 

the status of different 

updates and incoming 

leads within our office. 

54


We will get you home 

this winter! 

Have a cozy one! 

Karen Behfar, Real Estate Broker 

347-988-2526 

www.TheBehfarTeam.com 

Download the Behfar Team app on iPhone or Android


Refinancing Your 

Mortgage? 

KNOW THESE KEY TERMS 

BEFORE YOU SIGN YOUR 

PAPERWORK 

By Yael Ishakis 


When it comes to 

your mortgage, there 

are a lot of key terms 

that are important for 

every homebuyer to 

know, and this is no 

less true than when it 

comes to refinancing 

your most important 

investment. Instead 

of leaving what’s 

unknown up to 

chance, it’s important 

to be aware of exactly 

what you’re looking 

at so you can get the 

best mortgage product 

available. If you’re 

currently considering 

refinancing and don’t 

want to get snared by 

unknown terminology, 

here are some terms 

you’ll need to watch 

out for. 

CASH-OUT REFINANCE 

This type of refinance is a 

transaction where the home’s 

mortgage amount is higher than 

the existing mortgage amount, and 

cash-out refers to the extraction of 

equity from the homeowner’s home. 

While this type of refinancing can 

be a means of tapping into extra 

cash to help you with monthly 

expenses, it also means that the 

cash you take out of your equity 

will be added to the balance you 

already owe on your home. 

One of the top reasons a client 

would be looking to cashout would 

be to pay off high interest credit 

card debt, as it makes sense to 

lock into a lower rate and get a tax 

deduction while doing so. 

A terrible reason would be to 

cashout to hit the casinos. (I kid 

you not, I got that request once.) 

RATE-AND-TERM 

REFINANCE 

This type of mortgage transaction 

involves the refinancing of an 

existing mortgage so that you 

can take advantage of a different 

interest rate. While this type of 

change will not alter the amount 

of your home loan, it will adjust 

the interest, which means that your 

monthly payments may be lowered 

and you may have a shorter 

amortization period due to overall 

reduced costs. These types of loans 

can often come with lower interest 

rates than cash-out refinances. 

STREAMLINE 

REFINANCING 

This type of refinancing is 

offered by the Federal Housing 

Administration (FHA) and the 

Department of Veterans Affairs, 

and it is also offered by certain 

financial institutions. While this 

type of refinancing has its own 

set of stipulations, it is directed at 

those who want to take advantage 

of low interest rates or get out 

of an adjustable rate mortgage 

(ARM). While you may need to 

have a financial appraisal done in 

order to qualify for this option, it’s 

also possible that this will not be 

required to qualify. 

There are a lot of key terms that 

go along with having a mortgage 

and refinancing it, but if you’re 

considering your options it’s very 

important to know what all of 

them mean so you can be sure 

you’re making the best decision. 

If you’re currently considering 

refinancing your home and need 

helpful advice, contact your trusted 

mortgage professional for more 

information. 

Yael Ishakis is the vice president and branch 

manager of FM Home Loans. 

Yael has made it her mission to provide mortgage 

financing to all her clients from their first home 

to their investment building and entire portfolio. 

Yael is a frequent speaker on mortgage-related 

issues, and her book “The Complete Guide 

to Purchasing a Home” is already on 

its third printing cycle. When not in 

the office, Yael enjoys tennis and is a 

voracious reader. To reach Yael, email 

yishakis@fmm.com or call her cell 

phone at 

845-548-9075. 

56

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healthy families 

Grit: 

The 

Ingredient 

that Matters 

Most 

By Malka Ismach 

Picture the scene: 

A group of fifth graders 

are sitting around 

discussing their 

upcoming science test 

next period. 


Each one is “flaunting” about how 

little they studied. I can picture such 

a scene vividly. I can almost hear 

myself saying that I “barely studied,” 

when in truth, I studied intensely for 

three hours. Fast forward 20 years 

and my husband is now reflecting on 

a speaking engagement. I hear him 

telling people that it took him an hour 

to prepare each minute of his talk. My 

immediate reaction is, “I can’t believe 

he’s telling people how long it takes 

him. That’s so embarrassing.” Fast 

forward a few years after that and 

I remember an accomplished lawyer 

at my Shabbos table proudly talking 

about how little she studied for the 

bar exam and still passed. 

58

The message was clear. It 

was somehow instilled in 

me from a very young age: 

Hard work is something to be 

embarrassed about. Effort is a 

sign of weakness. It is hard to 

understand how this message 

was relayed. My parents always 

told me that as long as I 

worked hard in school, it didn’t 

matter what grade I received. 

My teachers encouraged us to 

study. And yet, somehow, there 

must have been subtle messages 

undermining what I was taught 

from my parents and teachers. I 

believed that “success” with less 

effort was more praiseworthy 

than hard and diligent work. 

Even as an adult, I look at those 

around me and focus more on 

the end product of “success.” 

I look at the people who just 

“have it” and wish that I did as 

well. I look at the people who 

have financial success, who 

have superior cognitive abilities, 

those who are fit and thin. The 

list can go on and on. Society 

has conditioned us to look at 

the success of others without 

thinking about what got them 

there. We look at people who 

seem to have it easy in some 

regard, who seem to have 

accomplished without even 

trying, and wish we had the 

same. We completely disregard 

the hard work and diligence that 

got them there. 

It turns out that the end product 

is the last thing we should be 

looking at. The process that 

got them there is far more 

important for their success than 

anything else. Angela Duckworth, 

a psychologist who founded 

the concept of grit, or passion 

and perseverance for long-term 

goals, has found in numerous 

research studies that grit is a 

very strong predictor of success. 

No innate intelligence, natural 

metabolism or inherited talent 

can replace what Duckworth 

calls grit. Grit has been found to 

be crucial toward one’s success 

in any area. Of course, talent 

and good luck can help one 

in many ways, but without the 

day-in and day-out of hard work 


toward a goal, one will not get 

very far. Grit is the ability to be 

passionate, set goals, work hard 

every day, and recover from 

failures and obstacles. While 

the end product of success may 

look magical to us, the true 

magic happens when we are 

passionate, hard-working and 

consistent. When we are gritty, 

we will surprise ourselves at what 

we can accomplish. 

In a way, we can think about 

grit as a set of good habits— 

habits that include goal setting, 

working hard, being diligent 

and doing it all consistently. 

These are positive habits that 

comprise one’s days and weeks 

and months and years. It is these 

habits that form our character, 

our work ethic, our meaning in 

life, and ultimately our success 

and satisfaction. 

Grit is not something that is 

set in stone. It is dynamic. We 

can become grittier. We can 

form habits and rituals that 

didn’t exist before. Psychologist 

Tal Ben Shachar explains that 

the reason why people are 

consistent with habits and not 

with New Year’s resolutions is 

that resolutions require discipline 

and willpower. Discipline and 

willpower are hard. But when one 

applies discipline and willpower 

consistently for a period of time, 

an amazing thing happens. 

Those things that were once 

hard to do become rituals and 

habits. They become things 

we just do—like brushing our 

teeth and taking our vitamins 

(maybe?). Once they are 

rituals and habits, we don’t 

have to fight nearly as hard to 

get them done. 

A personal example comes 

to mind. Years ago, when I 

was writing my dissertation, I 

had young children at home. I 

realized that the time of day 

that I would be most successful 

in getting writing done was in 

the early morning—before my 

children woke up. I decided 

that I had to train myself 

to wake up at 5 a.m. every 

morning, which would give 

me a solid two hours to work. 

I realized that at that time, I 

would be well rested and fresh, 

the house would be quiet and 

the phones would not be ringing. 

For the first few weeks it was a 

fight both to go to sleep early as 

well as to wake up at the crack 

of dawn. However, after a few 

weeks it became my routine. My 

body would be craving bed at 

a much earlier hour and waking 

up became easier too. The 

discipline and willpower required 

to maintain that schedule was 

not nearly as great and it 

became my daily ritual for two 

years. Once I became a doctor, I 

started sleeping late again. 

Thinking about grit and habits 

together helps us understand 

that the grittier we become, 

the less we have to fight to 

be that way. It becomes part 

of who we are. We can make 

gritty behaviors more habitual 

by picking one thing at a time 

and doing it consistently. Try 

it yourself. Think about your 

personal goals and choose 

something specific that will help 

you get closer to that goal. Do 

that specific thing consistently 

for a month or two. Watch 

the transformation happen— 

from something that requires 

willpower to something that is 

a habit. Once it is a ritual, you 

have become grittier already. 

Dr. Malka Ismach is a certified school 

psychologist and licensed psychologist who 

currently works in both school and private 

settings. She has experience working in multiple 

school, agency and clinical settings. Dr. Ismach 

has been trained in cognitive behavioral 

therapy (CBT), play therapy and parent 

training. She continues to receive ongoing 

training in evidence-based treatments for 

children, adolescents and adults. Dr. Ismach has 

experience and skill in assessing and treating 

a full range of mental health challenges. 

She brings enthusiasm and dedication to her 

work and values collaboration with schools, 

parents, medical practitioners and others 

in order to enhance the treatment 

of her clients. She is committed to 

providing compassion, support and 

emotional well-being to children, 

adults and families. She can be 

reached at 

mismach@drmalkaismach.com. 

59 



The Meaningful 

Marriage 

Manual 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about 

something that we probably think 

that we do, and probably think, 

“Sure, of course, it’s no big deal.” But 

do we really do it often enough, and 

do we do it well enough? 

By Debbie Selengut 

And that is complimenting our husbands. We 

really feel like we compliment, and we probably 

do compliment, but let’s see if we can do a little 

better. 

First, for a compliment to really feel good to 

the other person, it has to be authentic and 

genuine, not fluffy. General statements like 

“you’re amazing” can feel good too, but the 

more specific the better it feels. 

Here are some examples. “When I come 

out in the morning and you’ve cleaned 

the snow off of my car, it makes my 

morning so much easier.” “Thank you for 

taking care of that bill, it was weighing 

me down.” “I see how your siblings really 

all look to you for guidance…” “Cleaning up 

supper tonight was such a lifesaver, I was 

out of energy.” 

• Genuine, not fluffy 

• Check body 

language 

• Acknowledge their 

circumstances 

• Details matter 

• Attach your feelings 

Third, acknowledging something going on in his life 

adds to the sincerity of the compliment. “I know it’s 

crunch time at work now. I really appreciate you 

helping me out with the errands today.” “I know 

you’ve been keeping such late nights too; thank you 

for letting me sleep a little late today.” 

Fourth, think about the details. Instead of 

“thank you for the flowers” we can try “I 

love hydrangeas! These are stunning.” 

“You made my coffee with exactly 

enough sugar.” 

And fifth, attaching a feeling to the 

compliment takes it to a new level... 

“When you do the dishes after dinner it 

makes me feel so appreciated.” “When you 

take care of the repairs around the house I 

feel so taken care of.” 

Second, check our body language when we 

compliment him: eye contact and a smile. Once 

we are more aware of our body language we will 

notice how often we talk to people and forget to 

look at them! 

If this is not easy, or it’s new to us, it can take time 

to get used to. Try to set a goal. A compliment a 

day? On average, it takes 66 days to create a new 

habit… It’s a great goal, and will create feelings of 

appreciation, love, and respect! Go for it! 


Mrs. Debbie Selengut serves as an 

assistant principal in Bnos Bracha of 

Passaic. She serves as a consultant 

in schools and does teacher/new 

teacher training. She is a graduate 

of the Yesod Ma’ala New York 

Regional Fellowship of Principals, 

a division of Torah Umesorah. She 

teaches post-high school education, 

pre-marriage education, parenting 

and adult education courses. She 

is married to Rabbi Dovid 

Selengut, a rebbe at Joseph 

Kushner Hebrew Academy, 

and a therapist in private 

practice. She is a mother 

and grandmother. 

60


The Dating Coach 

Weighs In 

By Sara Freed 

THE DILEMMA: CAN LOVE 

OVERCOME DISTANCE? 

I recently worked with Debbie and 

Zev, who were each looking to make a 

commitment to someone for a second 

marriage. 

On paper, the match looked wonderful. 

They had similarities in their 

backgrounds, their interests, their ages, 

and their wishes for the relationship. 

But there was one potential problem: 

They lived two hours away from each 

other. 

When I floated the match, both brought 

this up as a major challenge. Both had 

good jobs in their current locations. 

Debbie also had two unmarried adult 

children still living at home. 


62 

Where would they live? How would they 

make it work? To them, the problems it 

posed seemed insurmountable. 

My advice: Why didn’t they at least try 

meeting first? 

That way they could see if there was 

even a point to worrying about the 

distance. After all, it wasn’t going to 

matter if they didn’t like each other and 

feel like they had chemistry. 

They agreed. And they really clicked. 

But they still had that big problem to 

deal with: distance. Both got back to 

me that they didn’t think they could 

overcome this challenge. 

What should they do? 

THE SOLUTION: 

JUST KEEP GOING 

Again, my advice to them was simple and straightforward: 

keep going. See how things progress. Often, these things 

tend to work themselves out over time. 

Lo and behold, they are now married! Zev took such a 

great liking to Debbie that he moved to her location, works 

remotely most of the time, and commutes twice a week. They 

even both kept their houses. 

For Zev, he realized that being with Debbie made him so 

happy that it was worth the sacrifice. Moreover, it may just 

be a temporary sacrifice because her children will move out 

eventually. And then they may reevaluate their situation. 

Why does “just keep going” work?


Relationship Problems 

Often Change in Size and 

Severity Based on Context 

63 


When Debbie and Zev 

saw their distance from 

each other on paper, it 

automatically felt like a 

deal breaker. After all, 

why start a relationship 

when you already know 

there’s a problem? 

So why did I encourage 

them to keep going? 

Because sometimes 

“insurmountable” issues 

can start to look smaller 

and smaller when you 

weigh them against all 

the good things that draw 

the two of you together. 

This isn’t to say that you 

should ignore potential 

problems. They will 

eventually need to be 

addressed. 

But it’s okay to let this 

happen naturally as the 

relationship progresses. To 

see if the initial chemistry 

you feel blossoms... or 

fizzles. Who knows—there 

may be other hurdles that 

appear and derail things. 

But if you have 

commonalities, a similar 

background, and that 

“spark,” what seems like 

a big deal at first may 

really not be. 

Time—especially when 

spent together—does its 

own thing. What the brain 

cannot do sometimes time 

will do on its own. It has 

a way of fixing things. Of 

offering solutions that 

didn’t seem feasible at 

first. Of allowing you the 

space you need to talk 

things through. 

These are rules that apply 

regardless of whether 

you’ve been married 

before or not. The key 

to finding happiness 

with someone is often 

to just keep going; keep 

spending time together, 

keep talking things out, 

keep learning, and keep 

listening. As long as 

you can do those things 

together, you’re headed in 

the right direction. 

Sara Freed is a professional shadchan and dating, 

relationship, and marriage coach based in New York. 

By drawing on her extensive training and personal 

experiences, she teaches singles and couples the 

skills they need to find and build happy, lasting 

relationships and families. A bestselling author, Sara 

wrote 5 Secrets to Bringing Peace and Happiness to 

Your Marriage and co-wrote Putting 

Kids First in Divorce.



Elana Mizrahi 

The doctors gave her a zero percent 

chance of having her own baby. 

Could I help? 

My answer: “I don’t know.” 

It is so humbling, the process of trying 

to bring a life into this world. With all 

the advancements in medicine and with 

all the latest technology we still return 

to the same conclusion, which is we 

know so little and lack control. 

I will never know why one treatment 

works for one couple and why one 

doesn’t. When it comes to conception, a 

healthy pregnancy, and birth there are 

simply no formulas, no givens. And so 

when a woman comes to me and asks 

me for guidance and direction we try 

to educate and give over information. 

We offer advice and, yes, we do look 

for answers, but in the end I always 

tell women on their journey from 

conception to birth that really, really 

we have no control. What will work for 

one won’t for another, and ultimately 

I don’t know why except for the simple 

answer that, especially in this matter, 

we lack control. 

*Tzivia and Moshe 

contacted me. They 

had been married for 

nine years and had 

done a slew of fertility 

treatments. Five years 

of IVF treatments alone. 

Running from one 

test to another, one 

doctor to another and 

now the conclusion, 

which originally was 

unexplained infertility, 

was that Tzivia’s egg 

reserve was too low 

and her eggs too poor 

quality for conception. 

For Tzivia and Moshe I actually had 

the merit to be the right messenger at 

the right time, and after five months 

of working on diet, herbs, releasing 

trauma from the body and praying 

for this couple Tzivia conceived. Nine 

months later she gave birth to a 

healthy baby girl, Bracha, in the most 

beautiful birth where I felt the angels 

up in the Heavens singing and dancing. 

But I can tell you the other side as 

well. Of women who contact me and 

tell me how they tried this diet and 

that. They tried acupuncture, and every 

complementary therapy that exists. 

They are so, so “healthy” and nothing 

worked. And they call me hoping that 

maybe there is one more thing they 

haven’t tried that will be it. 

And again all I can say is, “I don’t 

know.” Part of me wishes that they 

wouldn’t try so much and look so much 

for an alternative solution and maybe 

that would be the answer? 

So how should a couple approach 

fertility? When to go to a doctor and 

seek medical advice and when to run 

64

from it? What modalities work and which 

ones should they stay far away from? 

When a couple is facing the challenge of 

infertility, miscarriage, a high-risk pregnancy, 

the answers on Google are way too 

contradictory and confusing. What should 

one do? 

My first suggestion, the hardest, but still 

doable: 

Relinquish control and take a step back in 

the quest to find all the answers. There are 

just some things that will never be revealed 

and some questions that don’t have answers. 

There is no magic diet or method, no magic 

procedure. It’s a bit of trial and error; there 

is no right or wrong, and ultimately one 

must trust their instincts. If something is 

just taking too much out of you, ruining 

your relationship, your health, your financial 

situation, then you are probably not going 

in the right direction. How can the body 

be fertile when consuming so much energy 

fighting stress? 

I’m telling you this not just from the 

experience of my clients, but from myself. I 

was there. I should say we were there because 

it was both my husband and I, not just me! 

We went through years of this, and the 

moment I relinquished control, the moment I 

took a step back and said, “Okay, Hashem, 

You are running this show. If You want us to 

have kids we will and if not, we won’t”... 


Something healed. 

It wasn’t easy to do. It took so 

much courage! But I see it in 

every aspect of my life, not just 

in fertility and child rearing. 

When I step back I give space 

so that Hashem can step 

forward. I think more clearly. 

My decisions are wiser. There 

is more peace and well-being. 

The salvation comes, even if 

not in the way that I thought or 

knew that it could. Even if the 

salvation is in itself that letting 

go. 

I’m telling you, it really helps. 

Take a step back and see how 

to make things work more 

smoothly or leave them alone. 

And most importantly, when 

a woman comes to me for a 

consultation or visit at my clinic, 

I tell her that our goal is for her 

to feel healthy and strong. She, 

herself, counts and is a person. 

She has to feel good about 

herself and take care of herself, 

because if not, how is it worth 

it? 

We look at her as a whole 

person, not just a baby-making 

factory. If she and her partner 

are eating balanced meals, 

taking care of themselves 

emotionally, physically, 

mentally, then at least they 

know that what they are doing 

is something positive and in the 

right direction. Again, no one 

can make anyone promises as 

to what efforts will produce the 

desired results and which ones 

won’t. Do trust your intuition 

and know that you deserve 

to take care of yourself, for 

yourself, not just for the fertility 

journey. 

*Name changed for privacy. 

65 


Something opened up. 

Elana Mizrahi is passionate about helping Jewish 

women to connect: to connect to Hashem, to themselves 

and to each other. She is a mentor, published author, 

writer and lecturer. In addition to teaching, Elana 

also specializes in women’s health, infertility, prenatal 

and postpartum care, postpartum depression, birth 

and fertility-related trauma, anxiety and works as a 

doula, birth educator, women’s health care practitioner, 

parenting coach, shalom bayis coach, reflexologist 

and massage therapist. She teaches parenting classes 

(chinuch banim) and shalom bayit classes. Elana brings 

Torah into her healing practice and healing into her 

Torah classes. Originally from the Bay Area, California, 

and a graduate of Stanford University, she lives in 

Jerusalem with her husband and precious children. Elana 

speaks Spanish and Hebrew fluently and has a blog on 

the parsha as well as a WhatsApp group called “Inner 

Connections” that strives to bring Hashem 

into our everyday lives. Elana can be 

reached at 

elanamizrahi@gmail.com, or to view her 

website, please visit 

www.elanamizrahi.com.


Cultivating a Trusting and 

Wholesome Relationship With 

our Children 

Facilitated by Rachel Herman 


Part 2 of an ongoing series 

with Blimie Heller 

Hi, Blimie! Thank you so 

much for your time! I hear 

from many people that 

you have a very specific, 

very different approach 

to parenting than what 

most people traditionally 

use. Can you share your 

approach? 

Sure! I believe in not using punishments 

and not either (imposed punitive) 

consequences (which is simply a 

euphemism for punishments!). Also, 

on the flip side, I don’t believe in 

using rewards or prize charts. Instead 

I believe in having an authentic 

relationship with our children and 

leading and guiding them through 

that. To me, it is such a wholesome 

way to parent. While in the short term 

rewards and punishments may seem 

like the most effective approach, in 

the long term they undermine a child’s 

relationship with themselves and with 

their parents, and those have the 

greatest impact on the kind of adult 

he or she will be. 

Wow! That is very 

interesting! Definitely 

different from the standard 

approach to parenting! 

But how will the child learn 

without consequences? Let's 

say my child or teenager 

does something I told him 

he can't do; how do I deal 

with that? And how do I 

set boundaries without 

consequences? 

Great question! I would probably have 

to go through my entire course to 

properly answer this question because 

there are so many parts to it and so 

much to explain, but I’ll briefly go 

through it. 

I find that we’ve almost been sold this 

lie that children need imposed punitive 

consequences (aka punishments) to 

learn. They really don’t. They simply 

need a loving parent who can guide 

them and help them access their 

feelings of remorse. Our feelings, 

when we really feel them, are the most 

powerful teachers. 

If a child or teen does something I told 

him he can’t do, I need to ask why! 

And then work from there. We talk 

to our children and work things out 

with them rather than doing things to 

them. When our children feel included 

in the boundaries we set, because we 

collaborate with them, it’s almost like 

why wouldn’t they work with us? They 

are a part of it! 

Control (punishments and reward) only 

works so much. After a while we realize 

how little control we actually have. 

Control decreases our influence over 

time while relationship increases our 

influence over time. 

About setting boundaries, it’s very 

important to realize the important role 

of feelings. When I set a boundary 

I welcome and empathize with the 

feelings that come up for my child. 

That helps me remain assertive and 

it helps my child feel understood and 

cared for, which helps their resistance 

move. 

The child’s feelings and needs (and 

the parent’s feelings and needs!) are 

one of the most important pieces of 

the parenting picture. When we parent 

in a way that focuses on the child’s 

feelings and needs we set our child 

up for success in life and in future 

relationships. Think about marriage. 

Are there rewards and punishments 

when your spouse does something right 

or wrong? Of course not! ( At least 

I hope not!) A healthy relationship 

between a husband and wife is based 

on understanding each other and what 

makes each spouse act and react in a 

certain way. It is important to teach 

your child from a young age about 

understanding his feelings and needs 

and what triggers his reactions so he 

can make good decisions instead of 

falling back on the traditional reward 

and punishment system. 

Right. That is so true. I 

never thought of parenting 

from this relationship-based 

perspective! I'm realizing 

how often I use the reward/ 

punishment system! For 

example, my child is having 

66

trouble sitting through class 

without acting out and 

disturbing the lesson. We 

have a chart that he gets a 

sticker for every 15 minutes 

that he doesn’t disturb 

the class, and it’s actually 

working pretty well. It seems 

like you wouldn't approach 

this situation with a chart. 

How would you address it? 

Sure! Yes, I would not be using a chart 

to address this situation. It is very 

important that we understand that 

behavior is communication! When a 

child “misbehaves” (I really do not like 

that word very much) in class he is 

communicating something—expressing 

a need he is trying to meet, albeit in a 

rather unskilled manner. If the child’s 

need is not being met, the feeling comes 

and a behavior/strategy follows.The most 

simple example: We need food. If that 

need is not met, we feel hungry. And 

then we hopefully eat to meet that need. 

If we don’t eat, our need will continue 

to go unmet and now we might feel 

irritated and weak on top of hungry, 

which will then make it harder for us to 

remain kind, right? 

Every human has the same needs. So 

a child in this example might have a 

need for connection, competence, or 

stimulation—maybe all three! If that 

need is not being met he or she might 

feel lonely, sad, bored, or frustrated, 

which will then give them the impulse 

to “misbehave.” So if your child is acting 

out in class, it’s driven by a need and a 

feeling. 

Our job as a parent is to think WHY? 

Why is my child acting out? What is his 

need that is not being met? Maybe he 

needs more stimulation and therefore 

he feels bored. If he feels bored, he will 

try to find stimulation in the best way 

he knows how at the moment, which is 

to disrupt the classroom! It’s a pretty 

effective strategy even if it’s completely 

inappropriate. 

So we have to investigate and figure 

out what need is not being met. Asking 

our child why he or she is misbehaving 

usually does not work; children often 

do not have enough self-awareness to 

know why they are acting in a certain 

way, and even if they do, they usually 

can’t effectively express it—hence the 


misbehavior. It is our job to figure out 

why. (And there are ways to do this but 

that will require another conversation— 

hopefully in the future!) 

Once we have an idea of what the need 

is, we can then discuss it with the child 

and work together to figure out another 

more appropriate strategy for how his 

need of stimulation can be met. We 

may need to also talk to the teacher; 

maybe she can provide the child with 

more material during class or have the 

child help out during class. If the need is 

attention, perhaps the teacher can give 

the child a bit more attention and figure 

out a way to include the child more. 

Aha! I see where the feeling 

and need piece is taking 

the place of the rewardpunishment 

method. 

Exactly! Think of it like this. When a child 

engages in behavior, a chart is treating 

the symptom instead of the root cause. 

If someone has a broken leg, taking 

painkillers may help to temporarily 

relieve the pain, but if you don't deal 

with the problem itself it will just get 

much worse. Charts are like painkillers. 

Understanding your child’s needs and 

feelings is getting to the root of the 

problem and dealing with the root cause 

instead of the symptoms. 

Wow, this makes a lot of 

sense to me, but it is all 

so new and different. This 

seems a bit unrealistic, 

though; it takes tremendous 

presence of mind and effort. 

Life is so busy and I can 

barely find a minute to sit 

down. A chart seems like 

it might be more efficient 

sometimes. 

It’s true. It takes work. But it is not 

unrealistic at all. I have a friend with 

seven children who used to parent 

traditionally and completely switched 

over to this way. Does she do it 

perfectly? No! Do I? No! But we keep 

evolving every day. This is not a method. 

It’s not about perfectly following a plan. 

It’s a way of living and being with our 

children. It’s a process, not a destination. 

Also, most of the hard work is in 

the beginning, when it’s all new and 

different. Eventually it becomes 

something more natural for both you 

and your children. 

But I will say that this approach does 

take constant inner work and that’s the 

beautiful part to me. It’s so beautiful to 

me that in raising our children, we raise 

ourselves. People definitely shy away 

from this approach and I get why, but 

I find it incredible, and the more inner 

work we put in, the more we get out. 

And as a side note, I personally believe 

that punishment and rewards are not 

necessarily easier. I remember when I 

used to use that system. Every time I 

punished my child, something inside me 

screamed that it didn't feel right. I felt 

like a policeman, not a loving mother. 

Oh, and those charts—I found it nearly 

impossible to keep track of all of them! 

I hear what you are 

saying, but I know from my 

experience that children 

love charts. My kids are 

so excited about all their 

charts! Do you feel kids are 

as receptive to this approach 

like they are to charts? 

Yes, some children like charts. And 

reward/punishment systems do 

sometimes work in the short term. But 

children thrive when there is a genuine 

relationship and when their underlying 

needs are being met. We all crave to be 

connected and understood—to be seen 

and to be heard. With this approach 

a parent understands a child and sees 

where they are coming from. I can’t 

even tell you how many times teenagers 

messaged me that they saw my posts 

and they wished their parents would do 

this. Even as adults we want our parents 

to love us and connect with us—to 

understand us and validate us. But it is 

true that if you are starting when your 

child is older, it’s hard because it’s a 

change. As the parent, you should talk to 

your child about it and explain how you 

will be approaching things that come up 

from now on. This way they are prepared 

for the shift in parenting and will be 

more receptive to the change. 

Okay, I hear that, but what 

about a chart like a brachos 

chart? Children love that, 

and it helps them grow in a 

67 




ruchnius way. I can’t imagine 

not doing that chart and 

using your approach instead. 

Would you use charts to 

develop good habits? 

I'm so happy you brought up this example. 

I actually have a big problem with charts 

like that. The message you give when 

you are rewarding mitzvos is that saying 

brachos is something negative. You don’t 

need a reward for something that is 

intrinsically good. 

Listen to this recent study: There were 

two groups of children that were each 

given a puzzle to do. One group was told, 

“You have five minutes to do the puzzle. 

When the timer rings you don’t have to 

do it anymore, but if you want, you can.” 

The second group was told the same, 

but was also told that they will get $5 

compensation for doing the puzzle when 

the timer rings. After five minutes, group 

one stayed to work on the puzzle, while 

group two took their money and walked 

away without finishing the puzzle. Why 

is this the case? Because for group two, 

once they were offered money, they were 

doing it for the reward. They got the 

reward and were done. However, for group 

one, completing the puzzle itself was the 

reward. 

Wow, so interesting. So how 

does this relate to a brachos 

chart? 

The chart is like offering $5 to the 

group. It takes away from the mitzvah 

itself. Instead of giving them a reward, 

make saying brachos itself something 

enjoyable! Make it fun! Give them hugs, 

sing the brachos, create a good feeling 

about saying brachos. Parents must be 

careful not to create negative associations 

with mitzvos. I know people who tell 

their children they have to say Tehillim. 

Be careful: the associations you create 

for your children are very important 

and will stay with them throughout life. 

When it comes to mitzvos, make positive 

associations. 

But a lot of our chinuch is 

based on teaching about 

reward and punishment, which 

is why it sort of goes hand 

in hand with our education 

and parenting. How do 

you explain the dichotomy 

between the chinuch we 

are giving our children and 

the parenting method you 

describe? 

I love this question, and I get it all the 

time! S’char and onesh is one of the 

ikrei emunah. We say it in Ani Ma’amin 

every day. But punishing a child is not 

comparable to what onesh is from 

Hashem. It’s a different system. Hashem’s 

system is perfect because He is perfect 

and perfectly loving. Hashem has no ego, 

like I do. He has no flaws, like I do. My 

punishment and reward 

systems are flawed and 

imperfect. They are 

unfair. And I don’t want 

my children to at all 

draw a comparison from 

my flawed system to 

Hashem’s perfect system. 

They could not be more 

different. So actually, 

in order for my child to 

know that Hashem works 

that way, not only don’t I 

need to do it, but it also 

paints a false picture 

of how Hashem does 

it. To me, it is actually 

even more important 

not to use reward and 

punishments as a chinuch 

system because it will 

taint their view of s’char 

and onesh, which is 

intrinsically perfect. 

I never thought of 

it like that. How 

true! But what 

about a teenager who was 

already raised on the reward 

and punishment system? 

They are used to this “quick 

fix” or bargaining method. 

How would you recommend 

starting to shift?? Is it too 

late? 

It’s never too late. I work with parents 

of teens all the time. I just hung up with 

a client with a 17-year-old child and we 

were discussing exactly this. Will there be 

struggles? Yes. But from all the people 

I work with, all of the teenagers love it. 

Think about it: Wouldn’t anyone want 

their parents to start listening more and 

acknowledging? Of course! They might 

not be used to it, but they’ll love it. I have 

literally seen parents save their teenagers 

who were struggling once they started 

truly connecting to them... 

Okay, but what if it’s not one 

or the other? Can’t a parent 

be loving and connective, and 

still do the reward/punishment 

system? At least some of the 

time? 

You tell me. How safe do you feel in a 

relationship with someone who punishes 

you? The punishment itself erodes 

trust. It’s a barrier to connection. I was 

just discussing this with a client. She is 

beginning to realize that it’s too hard to 

have both. When you are using rewards 

and punishments you end up building 

an authoritarian approach with your 

child. There is no way that it won’t get 

in the way of being fully supportive 

and connective to your child. Of course, 

shifting your approach to parenting 

68

doesn’t happen overnight and there’s a 

way to be collaborative about punishments 

so they don’t erode as much trust, but 

the goal should be to ultimately have a 

relationship-based approach to parenting. 

In the short term, do you 

find that kids who don’t 

have reward and punishment 

systems are worse behaved? 

Does it take longer to get 

them behaving? 

There’s so much to say about this! First, 

no. Kids are kids and no matter what 

kind of system they are raised in, they 

will more or less act the same (barring 

abuse and neglect). The difference in 

behaviors depends on where they are 

at developmentally and their specific 

temperament and personality. For example, 

many 2- to 4-year-olds bite, whether they 

are punished or rewarded or not. It’s 

developmentally normal. They naturally 

outgrow it. 

In this approach, if a child is biting 

other children, getting to the root of the 

problem and addressing the unmet need 

will solve the issue in the moment and can 

give us ideas for how to navigate it until 

they outgrow it. If we use a very harsh 

punishment, it might make the child stop 


before they have really outgrown it, and 

if we use this approach it definitely might 

take longer for the child to stop biting 

overall. Safety is always our number-one 

priority, so this doesn’t mean we simply 

allow the child to continue to bite other 

children until they are mature enough 

not to. We put safeguards in place such 

as separating the children, giving them 

different activities, supervising more 

closely, providing a teething necklace they 

can bite, etc. 

We understand that children’s brains 

become more mature over time. As they 

get older, more skills develop and they 

graduate from biting and hitting to using 

their words. It’s super important to realize 

that punishments are not what makes them 

more mature. It simply might shut down 

the behavior. 

Using the relationship-based 

approach allows us to more 

easily accept the stages 

of our child’s development. 

We are not trying to make 

the child be more mature 

than he is. We are problem 

solving and working with 

where our child is at while 

understanding that it takes 

time for maturity to develop. 

Can you give some 

scenarios from your 

own life experiences 

where you used the 

relationship method 

rather than reward 

or punishment 

systems and how 

they worked out— 

and how long did it 

take to see change? 

Yes, actually, until my oldest was 4 I 

parented the traditional way. I bribed. I 

threatened. I did time out. I sent her to 

her room. And I hated it. And she hated 

it. And she fought me back. I finally 

said this can not be what parenting is 

about. So I started researching. Once I 

started the changeover, I realized that 

change was very gradual. It’s not gonna 

change from one day to the next. But I 

slowly transitioned out of the punishment 

system. I remember during that transition 

time I told my daughter to clean up the 

playroom. She said, “What’s gonna happen 

if I don’t?” I said, “Nothing will happen.” 

She just sat there staring at me like “what 

should I do now!”. And guess what? She got 

up and started cleaning it! (This did not 

happen every time. I had to learn other 

respectful ways of navigating it too.) 

So how long did it take you to 

do the whole shift? 

It took at least two years to stop 

threatening. But I slowly started seeing 

a shift in how she related to me and in 

how I related to her. In the beginning she 

didn’t want to have conversations with 

me. Because I used to be scary (from her 

perspective, at least). I scolded her a lot. 

But slowly I built trust. In addition, I had 

to work hard on my anger and frustration. 

I realized that a lot of my parenting is 

based on my moods so I had to learn to 

pause before acting and reacting. I’m 

still learning. I used to dread parenting 

but now I love it. To be a mother is to 

be a nurturing, supportive, and guiding 

presence. Think of how gentle and 

nurturing you are with an infant. With 

punishment and reward we leave that 

nurturing, motherly way behind and we 

become more like a law enforcer. Both the 

parent and the child suffer from this. 

That is such a refreshing 

perspective. Thank you! Any 

closing words? 

Thank you for this opportunity. I want to 

clarify that not using punishments and 

rewards doesn’t really encompass what this 

approach is about but it definitely helps to 

understand it! 

To all those parents and teachers out 

there who rely heavily on rewards and 

punishment systems: I know so many 

parents who changed the way they relate 

to their children, and so many teachers 

who literally changed their classrooms. And 

they are so much happier and the children 

are of course so much happier too. Give it 

time and patience! You and your children 

deserve it. 

Blimie Heller is a mom who is 

passionate about helping parents 

build relationships with their children 

based on respect and trust. 

She can be reached through her 

website www.blimieheller.com. 

69 


healthy humor 

Horizontally 

Challenged 


By Miri Issacs 

This article is a tribute to all 

those who are horizontally 

challenged. Although Chanukah 

is in the rearview mirror, there 

are some of us who hold that 

during Chanukah you need to 

spend eight nights partying and 

specifically trying to show that 

we don’t have Greek values so 

looks don’t mean much to us. 

So now there are a whole new 

batch of horizontally challenged 

(and very devout) people. I’m 

here to share with you “my 

weight loss/nutrition timeline.” 

If it doesn’t inspire you, maybe 

it will at least entertain you. 

Me as a baby: I don’t remember 

much, but I doubt my 7 lb. 10 oz. 

starting weigh-in was a concern for 

anyone. 

Me as a kid: Candy is the best 

thing in the world! I even had a 

special thank you prayer about it! 

Me as a teenager: After careful 

research I discovered that if you 

eat 25 bags of potato chips you 

have enough protein to consider 

it a supper. When you add sour 

cream (an insanely good combo, 

you should try it!) you have the 

required fat! 

Me still as a teenager: I went bike 

riding with my friend Rivky a few 

times a week one summer and I 

commented to her that it’s a shame 

I didn’t need to lose the weight ‘cuz 

then bike 

riding 

would 

be more 

enjoyable. (I used to think losing 

weight was fun.) 

Me in my final stages of 

teenager: I wish I could be an 

emotional eater because then I’d 

have a way of making 

myself feel better. 

Me as an adult: 

My clothes keep 

shrinking! 

Me after my first 

baby, the first 

time I went to a 

nutritionist: I only 

reached out to 

her because I was 

retaining too much 

water. Probably 

from too much 

salt in salty chips 

and salty sushi 

and salty Chinese 

food. I knew what 

I needed to do: I 

needed to order 

low-sodium soy 

sauce together 

with my lo mein 

but I had to check 

70

with a professional, just to be sure. 

Maybe she would recommend skipping 

the soy sauce altogether? That would be 

a little extreme, but I was willing to try. 

“Is anyone in your family overweight 

besides you?” is what she asked. 

Did she just call me overweight?! Who 

does she think she is??!! I bought two 

doughnuts on the way home. 

By my next weigh-in I hadn’t lost a gram 

even though I had fasted the night 

before my appointment in an effort to 

make up for lost time. As the saying 

goes, a week into my diet and all I lost 

was one week. She sold me disgustingtasting 

diet drops for $85 a teaspoon 

and told me it would help me lose an 

extra ¼ pound a week. 

“It adds up eventually,” she told me. The 

exorbitant price tag, or the few extra 

calories a month? I wondered. None 

added up enough for me to 

subject myself to such 

torture. 

I decided to make 

peace with my extra 

poundage instead. 

Me a few years and 

more babies later: 

I was still full of water 

retention…and salted 

caramel ice 

cream (works great 

for heartburn). 

Having been 

super slim for 

most of my 

life, 

these 

extra pounds 

were getting 

too hard for me 

to digest (I’d 

been practicing 

that line!). It was 

time to visit 

the nutritionist 

again. 

My new 

nutritionist told 

healthy humor 

me that the sodium thingy totally made 

sense, but we would put it aside for 

now while we explore other things too. 

Finally! Somebody who understands me! 

She gave me her totally sustainable 

“works for everyone to get the weight 

off and keep it off” plan: 

Breakfast at 9 a.m.: 2 egg whites and 

some spinach with a salad on the side, 

no dressing 

Snack at 10:30: Melba toast 

Lunch: tuna with crackers 

Snack: half of an apple 

Supper: chicken bottom and sweet 

potato baked; no seasoning 

Treat: chew a taffy and then spit it out 

“You wish!” is what I told her. First of 

all, who in the world gets breakfast 

in before 9 o’clock?? Unless you call a 

cup of coffee breakfast, which I don’t. 

I call a cup of coffee, a cup of coffee. 

Breakfast for me means actual food 

that can be eaten, and that has to be 

cooked, or at the very least prepared, 

which by definition means it doesn’t 

happen at nine o’clock (unless she 

meant p.m.). 

And the rest of the plan is not what I 

consider sustainable either. Eggs and 

yolks are created together and they are 

supposed to stay together. I don’t get 

the whole separating thing. There were 

other issues as well, one of them being 

that the candy budget here wasn’t very 

flexible and, having a mouth full of 

sweet teeth (I’ve been blessed with 

more than one), I 

really needed to 

add that in 

somehow. 

The third 

problem 

here was 

that I hate 

chicken. And I 

repeat, I HATE 

CHICKEN! I very 

politely asked her if 

there was any way we 

could swap out the chicken 

for something more reasonable, 

like perhaps a pound of Gushers 

for a pound of chicken? She said 

no. 

I decided that some extra 

pounds are okay after all. 

Me the next day: Changed my mind 

again. They are not okay. Ohhhhh! I 

know what!! Maybe I have a thyroid 

issue. 

I didn’t have a thyroid issue. Or an iron 

deficiency or low vitamin D either. Now 

what? 

Exercise. I started to walk every night 

for a half hour and burned about a half 

slice of pizza. Then I ate a slice of pizza. 

And another and another. 

Me two months later: Maybe I’ll think 

about it after the baby. 

Me after the baby: But I just had a 

baby! 

Me one year after the baby: Still a 

kimpeturin. 

Me 18 months later: I’m not overweight. 

I’m pleasantly plump. That’s my story 

and I’m sticking to it. 

71 


Miri Issacs is a humor writer, copywriter and full-time 

mom. She can be found on LinkedIn and 

miriissacs@gmail.com.


72

Health & Heels - Winter 2021-2022

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