Booklet #6 - out at last, whoop whoop :)

Graffiti Poet’s Best Bits
Welcome to book #6

Dad Joke #1
Santa is a happy chap
On that we all agree,
He’s chipper as a chipmunk
Putting gifts beneath the tree.
He wears a smile from ear to ear
With a twinkle in his eye,
But can we really blame him
He’s such a lucky guy.
He only works one day a year
And it’s a life of of give, give, give,
but the reason he's most jolly
Is he knows where the naughty girls live...
Things That Go Bump In The Night...
I've never been one, for being afraid, or running away from a fight,
but I shiver with fear, whenever I hear things that go bump in the night.
You can call me a fool, but if I hear a ghoul creaking it's foot on the stair,
I'm outta that place, at double quick pace you're not going to keep me in there.
I know they're not real, it's just how I feel we all have our crosses to bear,
At the first chilly breeze, I'm down on my knees reciting the words of a prayer.
If I saw a ghost, what would frighten me most would be if they noticed me too,
I'd probably faint, to see summat that ain't something you shouldn't see through.
The worst thing I've seen, in life or on screen is a poltergeist turning her head,
I kept on the light, for many a night and always checked under my bed.
You may laugh and scoff, if it's spooky I'm off at the first sign of something not right,
it's true what I've said, I'm afraid of the dead and things that go bump in the night....

Dad Joke #2
I have a friend annoying me
with endless bird themed puns,
I’ve told him many times to stop
But he’s sticking to his guns.
Why the chicken crossed the road
I couldn’t give a damn,
I need a way to shut him up
As quickly as I can.
I have to make this madness stop
Because it’s driving me insane,
So I’m going to take some sweet revenge
Because toucan play that game …
Dad Joke #3
Back in the Thyme of Robin Hood
When minstrels roamed the land,
They made a Mint from singing songs
That few could understand.
They often doled out Sage advice
Or took a birds eye view,
And saw things in a different way
Than you and I might do.
One minstrel by the name of Dill
Wrote a famous farmyard ballad,
Saying though we see a ploughman’s lunch
a chicken sees a salad…

I’ve been to an Anne Summers Party
I've been to an Anne Summers party, I'm still being treated for shock.
There was two and a half tonnes of plastic, most of it shaped like a..... Our neighbour
got drunk on Lambrini, she seemed quite unsafe
on her legs, she couldn't stand still for a
minute, as she tested the vibrating
eggs.
The woman who works at the chippy bought a rabbit that's three inches thick.
She's the widow of a man we called Donkey and said she's been missing his.... Old Mrs
Green from the Co-op, bought some handcuffs a basque and a whip, three jars
of a fruit flavoured jelly, and a toy with a
wiggling tip.
My eyes had been opened that evening. I wasn't sure which way to look.
The women I thought prim and proper wanted nothing that night but a..... I still
haven't fully recovered, I'm not sure that I ever will, such horrors as can be
imagined, are enough to make any
man ill.

Dad Joke #4
I haven’t had a stroke of luck
Since I got a gypsy’s curse,
If I’d cracked a dozen mirrors
Things couldn’t be much worse.
How long this losing streak will last
I really cannot say,
As lady luck deserts me
A little more each day.
I doubt I’ll win at anything
Until this curse on me is done,
If I fell in a barrel of nipples
I’d come out of it sucking my thumb.
Dad Joke #5
Once there was a lumberjack
Who found a talking tree,
He swung his axe around his head
And whacked it one, two, three.
Whoa, steady on, the tree called out
I am a talking tree,
I’m very rare and valuable
You can’t do that to me,
Oh yes I can, I need some wood
I want to roast a hog,
So you may be a talking tree
But you will die a log.

Little Blue Pill
I'm still 'avin sex in me fifties, I never imagined I would,
just the thought of two old people at it once would have curdled my blood.
But now that that age is upon me, I still crave the good lovin' touch,
from a woman who says she adores me, though lately I haven't had much.
When I think back to when I was twenty how I often made love to my wife,
until along came a dog and two children which sorta took over my life.
By thirty she'd invested in plastic, it proved a reliable friend,
so for me and my twice monthly duties that rabbit had signalled the end.
By forty she'd up and she'd left me for a waiter the age of our son,
she'd found a young toyboy to play with and gone for some fun in the sun.
Rather than dwell on my sorrows, or cry in my beer late at night,
I decided to try on-line dating. Well I'd only a profile to write.
Quite soon I was chatting to someone and I offered to take her for tea,
my wit and my charm were still working as she couldn't wait to agree.
That night as I lay on my pillow strange notions popped into my head,
It's been such a time since I used him I wondered if Percy was dead.
Well I showed him a picture of Lulu and one of a girl in a basque,
I tickled and tugged and I teased him, but he just wasn't up to the task.
I begged and I prayed and I pleaded and waited waited in hope of response,
my god what a freaking disaster, he never responded, not once.
I went to the doctors next morning, embarrassed and blushing was I,
he listened all knowing then saying, take these mate and give 'em a try.
Well we met at the seaside that Sunday, we both had a whale of a time,
So as the sun set beyond the horizon I offered to take her to mine.
The moment of truth was upon me, then I could tell by the glint in her eye,
as my boxers fell down round my ankles old Percy had reached for the sky.
We both fell asleep most contented after we’d done it again and again,
she must have thought she’d hit the jackpot and found the most virile of men.
The lesson to learn if there is one, is that at fifty it’s possible still,
to make love once again like a rabbit with the help of a Little Blue Pill.

Dad Joke #6
Last week I hired a Limousine
So I could cut a dash,
wanting everyone who saw me
To think I'm flush with cash.
I paid them everything I had
Right down to my last fiver,
T’was only then did I find out,
It came without a driver.
Oh woe is me, I’d blown the lot
And felt a proper twit,
I’d spent my cash on vanity
with nowt to chauffeur it.
Dad Joke #7
Me and my best friend Marmaduke
Love going to the park,
I like to watch him run around
And listen to his bark.
Until one day, the strangest thing
A man did ever see,
A gang of twenty ducks and swans
Had chased him up a tree.
I’ve learned it really isn’t wise
To go out for a jog,
That takes you past a duck pond
If you’ve got a purebred dog.

The Man From Mars
Chuzz16 (aged 10) & Graffiti Poet
A man came down from Mars one day, The people all said go away,
They were afraid of him you see, he didn't look like you and me.
He had two heads and forty legs, That Martian had no toothy-pegs.
He came to us cause we had wealth to get false teeth on National Health.
The Dentist sat him in his chair his many legs were everywhere,
he said “Though this may take a while you'll smile just like a Crocodile”.
He wasn't sure which head to choose but knowing he had nowt to lose,
he said “Relax, and open wide” then shone his torch and looked inside.
He saw three tongues all full of spikes then jumping back and shouting “Yikes”,
for where he'd hoped to see some pegs were rows and rows of tiny eggs.
The eggs had shells so wafer thin the light shone through and there within,
were tiny little Martian men, each egg containing nine or ten.
A jumbled mass of heads and legs that left no room for any pegs,
he said “Let's try the other one and hope the eggs in there are gone”.
But when he looked he saw again more rows of eggs all filled with men,
the Dentist said “I much regret, I cannot fit your dentures yet”.
“Until those eggs are fully hatched the teeth I'd make would be miss-matched,
I think it's best we wait a bit to make quite sure your dentures fit”.
He said “But please before you go there's just one thing I'd like to know,
Each egg it seems is full of men. Where are the girls, what's come of them?”.
The Martian gave a gummy grin and said “Alas to my chagrin,
I thought you knew that unlike us The girls are living on VENUS.

Dad Joke #8
As eggs are eggs we know for sure
One day we will be dead,
I hope that when the reaper calls
I’m fast asleep in bed.
I’m getting lots of practice
Each night I’m counting sheep,
So I can go like Grandad did
all peaceful in his sleep.
I’d hate to go out screaming
Or kicking up a fuss,
Just like all the passengers
Who travelled on his bus.
Dad Joke #9
In search of fame & fortune
My plan to live the dream,
Involved the game of hide & seek
And a world cup winning team.
I planned to hold the cup aloft
But sadly came unstuck,
I cannot find my teammates
However hard I look.
I’m thinking now of giving up
Before I’m driven out my mind,
Who knew those good at hide & seek
Would be so hard to find.

You Gotta Love Fishin'....
(additional words and smiles by Delysia Hendricks )
I can see why your wishin'
you'd taken up fishin',
now that the sun's in the sky.
There's nothing much better
in glorious weather,
than messing around with a fly.
Don't go in Winter
when frozen trees glinter,
your feet will go numb in the snow.
But now that it's sunny
there's nothing more yummy,
than chasing a fish to and fro.
You'll find it relaxing
not overly taxing,
with luck you might catch a big fish.
And most British fishes
make wonderful dishes,
what more for could any man wish?

Dad Joke #10
On market day in Clitheroe
A challenge was thrown down,
Who’ll build the finest scarecrow
And wear the scarecrow crown.
Farmer Todd was crowned the best
And won the scarecrow prize,
The finest scarecrow builder
In everybody’s eyes..
It is, he said, a well known fact
To get the biggest yield,
You need to have a scarecrow
Outstanding in his field.
Dad Joke #11
We all make big decisions
At some point in our life,
I made one just the other day
With Natalie my wife.
We’re never having children
On that we both agree,
We may miss out on many things
But happy we will be.
We’re really not that bothered
To be honest, truth to tell,
But when we told the kids the sad news
They didn’t take it well.

First Date Disaster
I knew at a glance you'd taken a chance
that I had gone suddenly blind. I took only one look and
thought what the ffff, You must have been out of your mind.
That man in the pic, you must be his dad
or even his old uncle Dave.I can't help but feel, if this is for real
you must have one foot in your grave.
If it's really you, then I am in shock, that photo was taken back when.
Your hair was still there, and you didn't stare
like the worst of the dirty old men.
I came here to meet, my hunk of a man
the one that I see in my dream. It cannot be you,
coz he's forty two and you've had a card from the queen.

Dad Joke #12
I’ve never been an hero
Just a normal sort of bloke,
‘Til walking through the town one day
I thought I saw some smoke.
Around the corner fast I ran
To see what I could do,
But all I saw was twenty men
All lined up two by two.
It’s B.O.G.O.F. day at barber Tom’s
Buy one - he gives you two,
So there hadn’t been a fire at all
It was just a barber queue.
Dad Joke #13
I went to the doc’s in a panic
Convinced I had started to shrink,
He said - sit on that chair in the corner
And give me a moment to think.
He assured me that all his attention
Would be focused on finding a cure,
But the reason for shrinking escaped him
So he did a few tests to be sure.
The results can be a while coming
So it’s best that we all wait to see,
In the meantime please try not to worry
And be a little patient with me.

Morning Glory
Each morning when alone I wake
I curse my luck, for goodness sake,
how is an old man all alone
supposed to sort his morning bone?
In years gone by there is no doubt
I'd just take hold and bash one out,
or turn to kiss the missus lightly
morning dear, it's me; twice nightly.
She knew like me no better way
to greet the breaking morn each day,
than start each new page of our story
dealing with my morning glory.
But sadly now those days are past
I recognise I've loved my last,
it's only function now I see
is adding more stability,
to save me from a bumpy head
it stops me rolling out of BED....

Girls From The Valleys
I've heard about girls from the valleys
in the chapel they're shy and demure. It's said
they can cook like an Angel, in bed they
behave like a.... I bet you expected a swear
word, I'm sorry that isn't my style, I'm
searching for words that keep rhyming, but
mean they allure and beguile. I think that
I'd better stop digging, I can see that I'm
stuck in a hole, and say what I've heard
about Welsh girls, is they are the sweetest
of all.
Hi ya' Banksy of poets corner!
(written by Fliss2010)
Well it's Friday night in Weston
Still need my winter vest on.
Was thinking of ambling out for a drink
But it's cold enough to turn me nose quite pink
Oh how I long for a warm summer night
Pint in left and fag in right
Watching the tide as it churns the sh*t
Summer in Weston don't you just love it!

Albert Gets Engaged
Mr & Mrs Ramsbottom were sitting down ‘avin their tea,
when a knock at the door interrupted Ma wondered, 'Now who can that be?'.
You'd better get up and go answer said Mum it's very near freezing outside,
Dad opened the door and it were Albert, a pretty young girl by his side.
‘Ere mother’ Dad said ‘it’s our Albert with someone he’d like us t’ meet’,
‘Come in, hang yer coats in the hallway and Albert, remember tha’ feet’.
Albert introduced Mother to Mavis said ‘Mavis meet Albert me dad’,
as Mother ‘n Mavis were hugging Dad gave a thumbs up to his lad.
'E're Look at me in me curlers said Mum I must look quite shocking my dear,
Albert's forgotten his manners' then clipped him quite hard round the ear.
She invited them through to the parlour the room mother liked to call best.
‘You’d better go up and get dressed Dad,you can’t sit around in your vest’.
They all settled down on the sofa Mavis showed Mother the ring,
There was a box on the shelf in the pantry that Mother asked Albert to bring.
Out came an album of photos that mother'd kept safe on the shelf,
she poured tea in her very best China but kept the chipped cup for herself.

Father came down in his best suit, 'Everyone look what I’ve found’,
‘It’s the stick with the ‘orses ‘ed ‘andle that Woollies once sold for a pound.’
He went on to tell of a story ‘bout the time they thought Albert were dead,
when a lion at the zoo went and ate him coz he gave it a poke in the head.
‘I was just getting paid on the divi sayin’ I'd nowt left but Albert’s flat cap,
when Albert showed up at the window and scared off the insurance chap.'
The stories of Albert continued they often made Albert go red,
but worst was the trip up to Blackpool and the stick with the bloomin’ ‘orse ‘ed.
He remembered a lion called Wallace he remembered being down in it’s tum,
he remembered it coughed and he shot out that’s when he went home to mum.
‘It was one of those really quite odd things, that sort of just happened back then,
It taught me a very good lesson not to poke lions again’.
Albert said it were time they were leaving they’d got t’other parents to see,
Mavis kissed Mother on both cheeks then thanked her most kindly for tea.
Dad filled up some glasses with sherry, he urged they all join in a toast,
'good luck to both Albert and Mavis, but good luck to Mavis the most.’