crush_zineread

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Crushes &
Crushees
Gay Thoughts……………………………………………………………………………………………………14
by Lyndsay
After Sunrise/Corporate Holiday Poem……………………..………………………………15
by Trevor Barker
Cover Art by Simone Shemshedini
Digital Editing by MR Primosch
Logo Art by Katrina Kopeloff
Riso Cover Printing by Corey Bechelli
Secret Admirer……………………………….………………………………………………………………16
by Susannah Duncan
Crushed……………………………………………………………………………………………………………4
by Maeve C.
Crush Season…………………………………………………………………………………………………5
by Harry
Swoon……………………………………………………………………………………………………………6
by Davey Levson
Navigating the Dance………………...………………………………………………………………….8
by Trinidad Rincón
Haiku- Crush It……………………………………………………….………………………………………10
by Miguel
Shoot my Shot…………………………………………………………………………………………………11
by Animationzbyben
Crush…………………………………………………………………………………………….…………………12
by Jesse Koester
Bans Off…………………………………………………………………………………………………….……18
by Katrina Kopeloff
MORE WEIGHT……………………………………………………………………………………..……20
by Teresa Rodriguez
Two Songs (About a Crush) ………………………………………………………………………….21
by Bryan Mangieri
Makeshift Splint……………………………….……………………………………………………………22
by Emily Simonitis
Waves…………………..……,,,,,,,,,,,,……………………………………………………………………………24
by Mark Sorrentino
Orange Soda Reviews………………………………………………………………………….…………26
by Adam Raza
My Sensitivity is a Virtue………………………………………………………………………………28
by Tory Talaga
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Crush Season
I used to get this feeling when I’d see two people
holding hands inside a coat pocket
(even if they were straight).
I’d stare at them out my cold car window till
all I could think was I want to go to Maine.
Spent the year collecting kindling:
59 paragraphs about dusk
26 sea shells
and too many questions to count.
Anyway anyway anyway
the lake feels huge, and is even bigger than it seems.
Our heavy bodies sit low in the water.
The low-flying
crush
spends almost its entire life airborne.
Strongest in dim light;
almost impossible to pinpoint.
Ten to ninety minutes after
astrological twilight,
fireflies blink at me from the trees
along the path.
I don’t remember wading back to shore
pushing my hair back
or wrapping the towel around my shoulders
but I am walking home alone.
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6 7

Navigating the Dance
Trinidad Rincón
I met Joaquín at a quinceañera in El Paso, back in 1937. When he
walked into the courtyard, the glow of the torches seemed to be
drawn to his face, sending ripples of luminance throughout his coarse
black hair. I caught myself looking at him longer than I had a right
to. I quickly turned away to speak to Lourdes, a childhood friend,
hoping she hadn’t noticed him as well. I didn’t know who he was or
who he could be to me. That glance didn’t spark feelings of love or
carnal desire. It was much more subtle than that. I felt a shift, a small
reorientation, as if the internal compass of my body suddenly knew
which way true North was. That’s why I turned to Lourdes. It was a
momentary delay away from the path starting to form, the one
leading me out of the woods of my adolescence and into a world I
understood even less. I don’t remember what I spoke to her about. I
just focused my eyes on the locket that rested around her neck, above
her bosom. It too caught the fire.
The band started to play a son huasteco. I could hear the distinctive
sound of the huapanguera, joined by the jarana and the violin. I
grabbed Lourdes and led her to the dance floor. I can still hear the
lyrics the band sang, building a storm inside of me that needed to run
its course: “Navegando en alta mar oí cantar a una sirena. Y yo me
puse escuchar los versos de una cadena, los versos de una cadena
que cantaba sin cesar / Sailing the high seas, I heard a siren sing.
And I set myself to listen to her verses, the verses she sang without
ceasing.” My feet fell into the pattern of the zapateado. My hands
grabbed the folds of my skirt, and my arms sent the blue fabric into
waves as I danced around Lourdes. She knew me well and captured
synchrony with my movements and expressions. Her face mirrored
the intensity I felt within my own: passion and laughter. The sweat of
my temples glided down my face, meeting the corners of my
upturned lips—I could taste the salt. As the song reached its
crescendo, I turned away from her, stomped out the last few beats,
and then fell backwards into her outstretched arms. Others stopped
dancing long before that, watching us, but it didn’t register in my
mind at the moment. I became aware of only the eyes of Joaquín as I
remained nestled in my friend’s embrace. I stood up, people clapped,
but I felt shame for taking attention away from the quinceañera.
I left the party shortly after that. I didn’t think I’d ever see Joaquín
again. I had never even spoken to him, just met his stare with my
own before and during one impromptu dance, but that was enough.
The following night, while sleeping in my room, I heard singing. I
walked to my window and saw a bonfire on the street. He stood in
front of the flames, a huapanguera in his arms, and he sang,
“Navegando en El Paso, vi bailar a una sirena. Navigating El Paso, I
saw a mermaid dance.” His eyes were larger than any man’s had a
right to be. His jaw was softer, rounded, and his frame stood strong,
wide shouldered, the kind that carried more than just physical
weight. His voice, though, had trouble carrying a note.
Even at that time, it was becoming more and more rare for a girl to
be serenaded on the streets of El Paso. When my mother was a
teenager, she would talk of how it used to be, when every girl had
several enamored suitors sing to her, but as Texas became more and
more American, the dying out of this tradition was the hardest to
lose. But the border with Juárez, with Mexico, was just a bridge over
a stream then, and Joaquín was a laborer from the South, come for
the harvest—his traditions, his culture, flowed freely with him into
this land—reigniting the spark of what Texas used to be.
I don’t know the moment I actually fell in love with him. I’m not
sure if it was the kind of love others speak of. I did not suddenly feel
complete. But as he sang, having trouble reaching the falsetto pitch, I
felt as if a cycle had broken, as if every day, for the rest of my life,
events would be new.
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12 13

After Sunrise
A golden rock
Amber ombre
Ambling under
The bottom of a river.
The river a shimmering sun
And standing inside it
I leap in to swim.
At the bar
Your stained glass eyes
Are pretty and big.
They drop a tear in
Amber Lagavulin.
Oh my baby,
Delusion angel,
My angry itch.
For you I am
Desperate words shouted
Under water in a river
As I
Reach for a gold pebble
That belongs to the river
But never to me.
I reach.
For a second,
My palm holds
Your warm cheek.
Don’t you know me by now?
Corporate Holiday Poem
The vinyl spins
By our bed
Today the whole country is in love
And sold out of paper cards
My thin wallet blushes
I ran out of green paper
And spent it all
On our thirst for red wine
Drinking the last drops I rise
And walk out my bedroom
And step
Over your clothes
Toward the bathroom
You slump in bed
And look out the window
It’s not quite dark
Dark blues are riding the wind
Over the horizon
The woman in the window
Across the street
Waves her arms down
Like golden pothos
To dust her floor
And collect bunnies and mites
Dressed in a greasy nightgown
I come back to lay with you
And draw the curtains
And there’s dandruff stars
In the night of your hair
14 15

Secret Admirer
When I was 8 years old, I had a crush on this boy in my grade named
Mitchell. I decided that during the week leading up to Valentine’s Day, I
would leave a series of secret admirer notes in his locker, and at the end of
the week I would reveal my identity. I was kind of a dramatic kid who read
too many books, and I loved the idea of not only confessing my love in a
theatrical and suspenseful way, but also creating a mystery that the whole
school would try to solve. Ideally, such a mystery would happen to me, and
then I would get to solve it, but since that was unlikely to happen, I’d just
have to do the next best thing and arrange a mystery for everybody else.
On the first day of my scheme, I tore a corner of paper from my spiralbound
notebook with puppies on the cover and used all my budding writer
powers to compose a concise yet eloquent message, sure to convey the
passions roiling within me, the secret longings of my heart: I like you. I
changed my handwriting and dotted the i’s with hearts so no one would
know it was me. Then I taped it backwards to the outside of his locker and
waited.
By the end of the day, the note was still facedown on his locker. I realized I
had made two grave mistakes. First, I had forgotten to sign my note, “Your
Secret Admirer.” Second, I had forgotten that Mitchell shared a locker with
his best friend Danny, and I hadn’t specified which of them the note was
addressed to. There was only one way to solve this. Among the hubbub of
everyone putting their coats on and leaving school, I strolled across the
hallway, casually plucked the piece of paper off the locker, read it, and
dramatically gasped: “Mitchell has a secret admirer!”
“It’s you, isn’t it,” someone said. This was a reasonable conclusion to draw,
considering that everyone already knew I liked Mitchell because I talked
about him constantly and had also told him so back in December.
“No, it’s not me,” I insisted, wide-eyed.
it must be someone in the after-school program, because then the culprit
would have been able to put up the notes when no one else was at school. I
smiled to myself. My plan was working.
I’m not sure what I was planning to write on the third note—I really, really
like you?—but I never got a chance to figure it out, because on the third
day, disaster struck. My best friend Maddie came up to me during recess.
“Susannah, I’ve done something terrible,” she said. (Maddie was just as
prone to drama as I was.) “Meet me in the auditorium in five. Tell no one.”
When I came to the auditorium, I found it dark and totally empty except for
Maddie, Mitchell, and someone else: Maddie’s crush, Louis. I took the
empty seat next to them and listened as Maddie revealed her awful deed.
Apparently, Louis had asked Maddie if she knew who Mitchell’s secret
admirer was, and because she had a crush on Louis, she told him the truth.
But Louis turned out to be working as a secret agent for Mitchell. He went
right back to him and told him.
“Susannah, I’m so sorry. I’ve been a terrible friend. From now on I’ll be the
best friend I can possibly be,” Maddie said. Then she made Mitchell and
Louis take a vow that they would never, ever tell anyone else about what
had transpired here today. She made them repeat it like they were saying
the Pledge of Allegiance.
Sitting there listening, I felt a bit confused. I had been planning to reveal my
identity on Valentine’s Day anyway. But everyone was acting like it was
somehow…bad or embarrassing? Maybe this was something I should be
embarrassed about.
From then on, I became extremely shy and self-conscious around Mitchell.
The next time I saw him—sliding down a slide to find him at the bottom—I
screamed and ran away. For the next three years I proceeded to obsess over
him from afar, making significant eye contact, daydreaming about how we
might end up together, and reading into our every interaction. I wandered
the playground and sighed, nostalgic for an idealized time when we’d
laughed together before I’d tragically ruined everything. And every year on
February 13, I snuck away during recess and returned to the auditorium. In
the dark, I sat in the same chair and relived the day I had become a victim of
heartbreak at the age of eight, never to be the same.
On the second day, I upped the ante. I tore out a second corner of notebook
paper and wrote: I really like you. By now, curiosity was starting to spread.
Somehow, people had believed my extremely convincing performance and
were trying to deduce who the secret admirer could possibly be. I walked
with Annie and Louis as they speculated. They had decided (incorrectly) that
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18 19

“Two Songs Named ‘Please Don’t Please’ and ‘Do
You Mind if We Were Friends?’”
By Bryan Mangieri
Twenty years ago, after my former psychiatrist
heard my first album, he said I should write about
girls instead. “Those songs were about girls,” I told
him. I don’t think he believed me. At least he had
bought a copy of my burnt CD-R.
These two songs are about crushes as much as any
two songs written about crushes could be: One is
about wanting a crush to end, the other about the
fear of approaching a crush. Scan the QR code.
Give them a listen. They’re free to stream and
download. If the QR doesn’t work for some stupid
reason, go to bryanmatthewm.bandcamp.com.
There, you’ll also find the songs.
Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow!
20 21

Makeshift Makeshift Splint Splint
I could hear I could the bones hear the beneath bones my beneath skin crack my skin and crack crunch and under crunch the under weight the of weight both of both
our silence. our But silence. it was But easier it was to ignore easier what to ignore it spoke what and it spoke hope and for the hope best. for Then the best. I Then I
worked up worked the courage up the to courage ask for to a bit ask of for reality a bit of to top reality the to load, top thinking the load, it’d thinking be a it’d be a
fraction of fraction a feather. of a But feather. instead But it instead put me over. it put me over.
Explanations Explanations and intentions and intentions hailed down hailed on me down from on above me from and above I collected and I every collected every
little piece, little despite piece, my despite body screaming my body screaming it couldn’t it take couldn’t any more. take any But more. instead But ofinstead of
telling you, telling I put you, the pain I put aside. the pain I smiled aside. and I smiled said it and was said ok. it And was my ok. apartment And my apartment
became my became own little my own island, little sealed island, off sealed from the off rest from of the the rest world of the by a world never-ending by a never-ending
ocean. There ocean. wasn’t There enough wasn’t water enough in the water ocean in the to hide ocean me to and hide this me unbearable and this unbearable
weight away, weight so I away, cried so so I much cried I so emptied much I myself emptied out myself completely out completely until there until wasthere was
nothing holding nothing everything holding everything up except up a rickety except skeleton. a rickety skeleton.
held on too held tight on and too my tight fingers and my turned fingers purple turned and purple cracked and at cracked the joints. at the And joints. maybe And maybe
it’s because it’s I because came later, I came your later, grip your was looser grip was and looser it was and easier it was for easier you to for let you go. to let go.
Broken fingers Broken snapped fingers each snapped way each surely way taught surely me taught a lesson. me But a lesson. I wonder But if I wonder my if my
bones will bones sink into will the sink dust into of the your dust past of your until past you forget until you they forget were they ever were there. ever there.
Caring for Caring someone for who someone does who not care does as not much care for as much you is for a weight you is that a weight breaks that breaks
the bones the that bones keep that the spirit keep standing. the spirit And standing. having And someone having on someone your mind on your far mind far
more than more you ever than were you ever on theirs were crushes on theirs and crushes grinds and the grinds soul down the soul into down a into a
thousand pieces, thousand sprawled pieces, out sprawled in the out dust in it’s the left dust behind it’s left in. behind in.
My bones My laid bones in pieces laid in in the pieces dust, in and the I dust, watched and I you watched pick up you a pick few pieces, up a few pieces,
only to drop only them to drop when them when better the option better came option again. came But again. I never But showed I never you showed you
how much how that much hurt. For that some hurt. For reason, some I was reason, determined I was determined not to let you not to see. let For you see. For
some reason, some my reason, own peace my own was peace worth was sacrificing worth sacrificing to keep yours. to keep yours.
Each word Each of yours word that of yours came that before came held before deep held meaning deep to meaning me, but to in me, an instant but an it instant it I mourned I as mourned the weight as the continued weight continued to crush me to crush down me deep down into deep the ground, into the my ground, my
seemed to seemed lose all to its lose value. all And its value. every And embrace every that embrace seemed that charged seemed with charged sparking with sparking fractures fracturing fractures fracturing themselves. themselves. I tuned out I tuned their snaps out their as numbness snaps as numbness took over. took over.
connections connections seemed to seemed mean nothing to mean to nothing you overnight. to you overnight. Attempts Attempts to softly let to me softly let me But when But mourning when mourning time was up, time I was up, determined I was determined to fit the pieces to fit the of my pieces of my
down piled down onto piled my back onto like my back bags of like cement. bags of And cement. instead And of instead sharing of the sharing load, Ithe load, I skeleton back skeleton together back and together release and the release words the begging words to begging get out to of get them. out Iof them. I
took on the took burden on the of burden your choices of your for choices you and for kept you it and hidden. kept it hidden.
gathered up gathered my split up spine my split and spine cracked and ribs. cracked I sat ribs. myself I sat up, myself gathering up, gathering dust dust
and debris and around debris me around to create me a to makeshift create a makeshift splint to prop splint up to my prop broken up my legs. broken legs.
You never You knew, never but knew, every but action every that action came that after came snapped after each snapped limb, each one limb, by one. one by one.
And I was And sent I tumbling was sent downward, tumbling downward, crumbling crumbling under everything under everything that dropped that on dropped me. on me. But I never But found I never another found chance another to chance say something to say something and stand and up for stand myself. up for myself.
By the time By I the picked time up I picked the pieces up the and pieces found and courage found coursing courage in coursing their in their
Certainly, Certainly, things said things and done said and applied done pressure, applied but pressure, maybe but I was maybe to blame. I was to Myblame. My marrow, time marrow, had already time had left already everything left everything behind. So behind. I saddle So my I saddle bones my in bones in
fingers clenched fingers so clenched tightly so to tightly false images to false and images past moments, and past moments, that they lost that all they feeling lost all feeling those makeshift those makeshift splints and splints let time and do let what time it do does what best. it does best.
and I couldn’t and I release couldn’t the release load I the knew load was I knew killing was me. killing It was me. my It first was time my first feeling time sofeeling so
connected connected to someone to and someone everything and everything felt so light felt and so natural. light and We natural. rode the We same rode the same Sometimes Sometimes I run my fingers I run my along fingers where along the where fractures the heal, fractures and I heal, close and myI close my
wavelength wavelength for days and for days days in and your days space in your that space you asked that you me asked to stay me in. to In stay those in. In those eyes and find eyes myself and find in myself the past. in I the open past. my I eyes open in my memories eyes in memories I thought I were thought were
moments moments you made you me made feel wanted, me feel and wanted, I did my and best I did to my make best you to make feel the you same. feel the same. imbued with imbued something with something special. But special. I always But remove I always myself remove and myself feel at and a feel at a
distance. Instead, distance. I Instead, focus on I learning focus on to learning walk again. to walk Everyday, again. Everyday, I take a few I take a few
But maybe But I was maybe gathering I was gathering too much too in my much hands in my too hands fast. I too let the fast. excitement I let the excitement carry carry more steps more than steps yesterday. than yesterday. My bones My shake, bones telling shake, me telling that they me have that they morehave more
me away and me away didn’t and realize didn’t that realize picking that up picking all these up things all these and things holding and them holding all inthem all in healing that healing needs that to be needs done. to But be done. day But I’ll one find day my I’ll balance. find my Now, balance. I just Now, I just
my arms was my arms a risk. was Perhaps a risk. it’s Perhaps because it’s this because was my this first was experience my first experience that I that I wonder if wonder the marks if the left marks behind left will behind ever fade will ever with fade time. with time.
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ORANGE S DA
Crush: In Plato’s realm of perfect forms there is a fridge stocked with Crush Orange Soda in the orange soda section. I paired
this classic soda with a classic dish, a plate of goat biryani (Bhebi Khala’s House). Both the goat biryani and the Crush soda had
full bodied flavors. This soda tasted like childhood, that classic artificial orange flavor really comes through in a can of Crush, if
humans decided to send an orange soda out to space as a representative of what orange soda is, it should be a can of crush.
There’s nothing like kissing a crisp cold can of soda and letting those waves of flavor wash over your tongue but when I poured
my crush into a glass, I really appreciated the deep Florida Gatorish orange color, there was a pretty yellowish fizz upon the
pour-which settled into a delicious drink, active with bubbles.
Sunkist: If you look closely at a can of Sunkist you’ll find that there is an illustration of a an orange-sliced in half and one of
the halves seems to have been sliced in half again with one quarter of the orange missing- I am assuming that this one quarter
of an orange is in the soda. Sunkist, although sweet and tasty, exercises and displays the strength of restraint when it comes to
bold orange flavors, it is a soda which is perfectly named. It’s sun kissed, not sun smothered. Sunkist has a great crisp bite to itit
made for an excellent drink to have alongside a Bahn Mi (a delicious one from the Ba Le bakery 606 Washington Ave).
Maine Root Mandarin Orange Soda: Growing up, my family didn’t regularly keep soda in the house, it was a treat. As
I grew older and gained more control of the drinks I drank, the frequency with which I consumed sodas increased, it began to
feel less special. This soda truly felt like a treat. It was delicious. Maine Root has managed to brew an incredibly complex and
tasty soda- a beautiful natural orange flavor shines in this soda and is accented by the flavors of fall spices that one would
associate with a nice root beer or birch beer. Maine Root Mandarin Orange Soda had a beautifully simple ingredients list and
the natural cane sugar brought me back to childhood flavors of my favorite orange sodas Mirinda and Jaritos {Which I wanted
to review but could not find : ( }, but those weren’t as complex and in those sodas the cane sugar amplifies an artificial orange
soda flavor-in Maine Root’s take on this classic the cane sugar is highlighting a simple yet delicious mandarin orange flavor. I
drank this yummy soda with a yummy cheesesteak from Woodrow’s Sandwich Shop (630 South St)
Uladag Gazoz: I came upon this sugarfree Turkish orange soda by chance at the Queen Village Food Market (339
Bainbridge St), a Turkish Convenience Store in our beautifully diverse city. Given the fact that it is sugar free-the taste of this
soda is quite subtle-it does have a slight taste of cane sugar which I am not sure how they pulled off but is appreciated. The
mouth feel and bottle design of this soda are both very fun, the bottle is shaped like a narrow mushroom which make the
bottom half feel like a handle-and that bottom half has small ridges all over to mimic the rind of an orange, that along with a
champagne like mouth feel make this soda a pleasurable and distinct drinking experience when it comes to orange soda-it
turns to fizz and air soon after it hits your palette. Both this soda and the convenience store I got it from are worth a shot.
Schweppes Premium Sparkling Tangerine: I found this pulpy yummy sparkly tangerine drink at the Alrayyan Food
Market (121 S 43 rd St). This soda came in a clear bottle-I assume this was to show off its deep glowing orange color and pieces
of submerged orange pulp. This soda had an interesting mix of natural and artificial orange flavor, I am assuming the pulp is
what was providing that push of natural flavors and it added an appreciated depth to this soda, an interesting thing I noticed
however was that the small pieces of pulp seemed to be suspended at levels throughout the soda, versus settling at the bottom
which is what I expected. This was very cool to see and enhanced my drinking experience.
Galvanina: A pretty name for a pretty and yummy soda. This Italian beauty is the color of the sun and that brightness
isn’t only experienced in the bright yellow color. Galvanina shares the flavors of freshly squeezed orange juice, I was
blessed to be able to enjoy this soda over an incredible falafel sandwich prepared by my lovely partner, and Galvaninas
sweet, tart and fizzy sparkling orange drink was an excellent accompaniment for an excellent meal. It had a crisp and
refreshing mouth feel and provided that soda bite but had a totally unique taste when it came to orange soda. I once, on a
hot day saw a man put a cold bottle of Galvanina to his head, this looked quite refreshing. Galvanina sodas are available
throughout the city and are definitely worth a shot.
I’d like to make an honorable mention to Jarritos, Mirinda, and Fanta. Two truly delicious
sodas I did not have the pleasure of reviewing this time, but hopefully we will all find a bottle
soon.
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