The Places I've Cried in Public by Holly Bourne

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The Places I’ve Cried in Public is a work of fictionbut it deals with many real issues includingcontrolling behaviour and sexual assault.Links to advice and support can be found at the backof the book.
ContentsTitle PageAbout this bookA Bench by the Railway BridgeThe College RefectoryThe Number Thirty-Seven Bus StopThe Good PlacesThe CubeOutside Your HouseThe Golden Jubilee Bridge, LondonThe Leadmill, SheffieldMusic ClassroomPlatform Thirteen, Clapham Junction TrainStationAbout the AuthorCopyright Page
Page 2: It llooked llike llove.It fellt lli
Page 7 and 8: It’s half two in the morning and
Page 9 and 10: yet. I’d not finished unpacking,
Page 11 and 12: “Did you see Laura on results day
Page 13 and 14: That is one of the Big Ifs I’ve b
Page 15 and 16: The following hour was hell’s tee
Page 17 and 18: flocked to me right away and I didn
Page 19 and 20: get the hang of it. Anyway,” she
Page 21 and 22: I’ve got a horizon either side of
Page 23 and 24: towards upbeat. “Were you allowed
Page 25 and 26: This bench is Dot Number One. This
Page 27 and 28: thinking about how heartbroken they
Page 29 and 30: blushed, hating myself for being so
Page 31 and 32: He’d turned back to his band. “
Page 33 and 34: “So, you and Hannah?” The vodka
Page 35 and 36: “Have you ever noticed how long p
Page 37 and 38: song a bit, tapping my foot, laughi
Page 39 and 40: The next half-hour was a bit of a b
Page 41 and 42: We locked eyes again and breath des
Page 43 and 44: She raised both eyebrows. “Well,
Page 45 and 46: Marling knowledge. “Right, next q
Page 47 and 48: Let’s unpack this now, though, sh
Page 49 and 50: million trains could’ve charged p
Page 51 and 52: instinctively come to. We need to l
Page 53 and 54:
bitter I’m surprised I don’t co
Page 55 and 56:
I guess I should tell you what I’
Page 57 and 58:
happened here, all the memories cre
Page 59 and 60:
you missed me. I’ve been jumping
Page 61 and 62:
Reese smiled at me throughout the n
Page 63 and 64:
neutral, and if your songwriting is
Page 65 and 66:
“Of course it was worth it,” I
Page 67 and 68:
“You again.” I smiled, the gidd
Page 69 and 70:
Disappointment…Relief…Worry…G
Page 71 and 72:
He listened and he agreed. He said
Page 73 and 74:
When can I take you out?I laughed a
Page 75 and 76:
“I’m just meeting some friends
Page 77 and 78:
staring at the top of my road, prep
Page 79 and 80:
My stomach was in such knots, I did
Page 81 and 82:
He grinned like a magician who’d
Page 83 and 84:
I laughed so hard I almost fell off
Page 85 and 86:
as he did so. I stood there awkward
Page 87 and 88:
They had to be. I’d just severed
Page 89 and 90:
same way. Nope, Reese went straight
Page 91 and 92:
shoulder. Very rare occurrences for
Page 93 and 94:
They all laughed, just as I caught
Page 95 and 96:
phones. I inhale the scent of my co
Page 97 and 98:
the other ducks, who scattered from
Page 99 and 100:
I nod again, keen to get into my ro
Page 101 and 102:
“Hannah and that lot have invited
Page 103 and 104:
cream. It’s been over a month now
Page 105 and 106:
talk to you about your coursework.
Page 107 and 108:
She notices my response. “So, thi
Page 109 and 110:
Academy Award winner. Eventually, I
Page 111 and 112:
sorts of things I should probably b
Page 113 and 114:
really genuinely wants to help me.
Page 115 and 116:
for soundcheck earlier, I was even
Page 117 and 118:
main band, the Contenders, must’v
Page 119 and 120:
so I just let my hair go all fuzzy
Page 121 and 122:
most amazing thing in the world. Un
Page 123 and 124:
It was pretty surreal, but also pre
Page 125 and 126:
a kind sort of way.” She uncapped
Page 127 and 128:
“I’ve been looking for you,”
Page 129 and 130:
Heat shot through every limb of my
Page 131 and 132:
We were eventually interrupted by M
Page 133 and 134:
Reese took off his hat, like we wer
Page 135 and 136:
He tugged me after him, and we all
Page 137 and 138:
“It’s just, what Reese did. You
Page 139 and 140:
It didn’t sound crazy in my head
Page 141 and 142:
I found myself sinking into his tou
Page 143 and 144:
Anyway, I don’t have time for thi
Page 145 and 146:
Dad awkwardly rubs my back. “I kn
Page 147 and 148:
I swallow and turn his words over i
Page 149 and 150:
“Because you are going to take th
Page 151 and 152:
something is wrong, even when every
Page 153 and 154:
fine - or the crying girl saying sh
Page 155 and 156:
Why had she shut the door in my fac
Page 157 and 158:
these new emotions surged into my b
Page 159 and 160:
of me.“Shit, Amelie. Sorry. Oh go
Page 161 and 162:
love you so much.” It was so oppo
Page 163 and 164:
I pushed Reese off gently and he la
Page 165 and 166:
instantly hated. He must’ve hated
Page 167 and 168:
“Oh, right.”There was no choice
Page 169 and 170:
I’m really starting to realize th
Page 171 and 172:
memory map and there’s nothing el
Page 173 and 174:
“And can you think of any reason
Page 175 and 176:
“I’m talking to you right now,
Page 177 and 178:
“It’s just, from some of the th
Page 179 and 180:
Suffering is suffering. It really s
Page 181 and 182:
as I step off and follow the ghosts
Page 183 and 184:
funny otherwise you’d accuse me o
Page 185 and 186:
We read it out loud. “Hang on,”
Page 187 and 188:
The treasure hunt led us up the riv
Page 189 and 190:
We laughed at the word arse-weasel.
Page 191 and 192:
“You can really sing, little lady
Page 193 and 194:
“‘It’s nothing. I don’t car
Page 195 and 196:
not-hilarious consequence of that w
Page 197 and 198:
“Okay,” she said. “But was he
Page 199 and 200:
world had stopped rotating. I felt
Page 201 and 202:
“What can I do for you, duck?”I
Page 203 and 204:
“You going to visit all your old
Page 205 and 206:
to drive back from visiting Nanny,
Page 207 and 208:
“So that wasn’t very kind,” J
Page 209 and 210:
have sex the usual way, even though
Page 211 and 212:
the top floor. I’m given a key ca
Page 213 and 214:
that smile in my stomach on the tra
Page 215 and 216:
We stared at each other a second an
Page 217 and 218:
what I owed myself, but I was in su
Page 219 and 220:
I should try and hold on to the pow
Page 221 and 222:
least once a month. A happier exist
Page 223 and 224:
us forward with the weight of their
Page 225 and 226:
“If I’d told you, you’d just
Page 227 and 228:
honestly, I did not have any plan i
Page 229 and 230:
“It didn’t look that way.”His
Page 231 and 232:
But I’m not cold, I’m not like
Page 233 and 234:
“What about our pact? What about
Page 235 and 236:
Jessa lowered her voice. “Ams, he
Page 237 and 238:
“Reese.” I started crying again
Page 239 and 240:
“I love you,” I repeated, wanti
Page 241 and 242:
I’m back at my hotel and I’m sc
Page 243 and 244:
The next morning, Reese woke me up
Page 245 and 246:
“Is Alfie up?” I don’t have t
Page 247 and 248:
held together with Pritt Stick that
Page 249 and 250:
totally justified, adds to the pain
Page 251 and 252:
but now I can’t think of anything
Page 253 and 254:
actually a relationship at all. Tha
Page 255 and 256:
being lost in daydreams of if-onlys
Page 257 and 258:
way. I want to cry, yet again, beca
Page 259 and 260:
Mum wrinkles her nose. “Someone h
Page 261 and 262:
memories, Reese, and she’s been t
Page 263 and 264:
up any more. “You’re letting hi
Page 265 and 266:
mean it. Your eyes are bloodshot fr
Page 267 and 268:
I’ve waited so long to hear all t
Page 269 and 270:
needed and He must love you, look h
Page 271 and 272:
and wonder if she’s happy with th
Page 273 and 274:
I allow myself five minutes to fant
Page 275 and 276:
night in on my own, trying to work
Page 277 and 278:
So I collected my things and preten
Page 279 and 280:
make it my fault.As I predicted, he
Page 281 and 282:
all the tears I’d wanted to, some
Page 283 and 284:
“You’re going to let your jealo
Page 285 and 286:
The crumpets arrived with a big tea
Page 287 and 288:
“Have you thought about why I spe
Page 289 and 290:
“Are you being snippy now?”I pr
Page 291 and 292:
tears landing onto our desk. I coul
Page 293 and 294:
To tell me it’s a terrible idea.
Page 295 and 296:
side of my face, her eyes skimming
Page 297 and 298:
tree branches. I’m alone, as usua
Page 299 and 300:
Can I walk away from all that? Isn
Page 301 and 302:
and look up to see who’s dared st
Page 303 and 304:
I sigh, and release the toxic idea
Page 305 and 306:
strong enough. I’m going to bid y
Page 307 and 308:
I’m grieving for the me I was bef
Page 309 and 310:
are completely nuts.Yet my gut told
Page 311 and 312:
watched, and felt my insides collap
Page 313 and 314:
and wailing and asking what I’d d
Page 315 and 316:
It’s taken me months of counselli
Page 317 and 318:
Reese, I’m floating up. I can see
Page 319 and 320:
introduce me to Eden and use her to
Page 321 and 322:
I am finally safe.I open my eyes.It
Page 323 and 324:
I’ve got a whole life to try and
Page 325:
Samaritans are available round the
Page 328 and 329:
It Only Happens in the Movies is av
Page 330:
First published in the UK in 2019 b
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The Places I've Cried in Public by Holly Bourne