WInter buzz 2009 new.qxp - BuzzNews.net

time White House staffers were
not surprised and noted that due to
a contract signed by then
President, notoriously stingy
Harry Truman decades ago, facilities
at The White House are routinely
stocked with a cheaply manufactured,
extremely coarse and
somewhat less than absorbent
brand of paper, forcing both
Republican and Democratic chief
executives alike to employ alternative
means of relief upon finishing
the business of the people. In
fact, previous President George W.
Bush is known to have kept multiple
copies of The Constitution on
hand for just that purpose, a practice
borrowed from The Nixon
administration.
The Secret Service detail posted
outside the door, unable to monitor
The President’s movements
over the sound of running water,
were understandably nervous and
all breathed a sigh of relief when
the senior agent on the scene finally
spoke into his jacket sleeve proclaiming,
”The Eagle has landed.”
Though while hardly the first time
in recent memory that a president
has made headlines with his pants
down, most agree that presidential
bodily functions and fluids will be
viewed in a light from here on. A
beaming Rev. Al Sharpton when
asked to comment on “The Dump
Heard ‘Round the World” stated
”At last a time has finally come in
America when anyone, regardless
of color, can ascend to the highest
throne in the land and occupy a
true seat of power, an incredibly
historic day which should make all
Americans flush with pride.”
Others, however, are critical of
what they see as “an over emphasis
on the historic significance of a
relatively mundane daily event.”
One detractor, James ”Big Jim”
Oakey Schmidt, regional director
of The Coalition of Suburban
White Christian Oil and Gas
Executives- a racial separatist
group- in an interview aired on the
local cable access program “It’s 4
A M Chicago” said ”This is exactly
the kind of shit we’ve been
afraid of from day one and
amounts to nothing more than a
big load of crap!”
In a related item, The Tom Bosley
Mint has announced that it will
issue a limited addition commemorative
coin marking the event
featuring Abraham Lincoln’s outhouse
on one side, a thumbs up
relief of Obama on the other and
bearing the legend ”We All Gotta
Go Sometime.”
BUZZLINGS
THE MIRACLE ON
THE HUDSON
is beginning to look a lot more
like flashback than miracle as new
details emerge involving an incident
which was originally deemed
a jet collision with a flock of birds
but may have actually been a near
miss with the British pop group
Flock of Seagulls. Apparently a
snippet from the bands’ 1982 hit “I
Ran” was intercepted over
U.S.airways flight 1549s cockpit
radio just upon take off which
caused an irresistible urge in pilot
Chesley ”Sully” Sullenberger to
nosedive the fully loaded Airbus
A320 with 155 people on board
into the ground. It was only
through sheer determination to
fight the urge and years of training
and experience that Sullenberger
was able to pull up at the last
minute and execute the emergency
landing on The Hudson River saving
countless lives.
NTSB spokesman, Archibald
Crackers, later noted that encounters
with defunct one-hit wonders
are fairly common in commercial
aviation and stated, ”As long as
crappy 80’s bands are out there,
we always run the risk of this kind
of situation.” He added “We can
only be thankful that this occur-
rence did not involve, say, Soft
Cells’ Tainted Love or anything by
Cyndi Lauper. The results would
have surely been catastrophic.”
THE FLIGHT OF
THE SNEAKER
Back in December an irate Iraqi
journalist made international news
by throwing his shoes at a surprisingly
agile President George W
Bush in protest of the outgoing
leaders mid-east policies during a
press conference in Baghdad. A
second recent incident at
Cambridge University in Great
Britain involving Chinese Premier
Wen Jlabao and a shoe armed protester
has prompted sneaker giant
Nike to begin work on a line of
footwear aerodynamically
designed for maximum flight
potential which will be called “Air
George” and marketed under the
slogan “Just Throw It” Competitor
Reebok is said to be thinking
along similar lines with their “It’s
Not a Shoe-It’s a Statement” prototype.
FROM THE
WHERE ARE
THEY NOW FILE
Al Queda chief Osama Bin Laden
is rumored to have consulted with
several Middle Eastern P.R. firms
in an effort to update his image
and make himself more news worthy.
Word has it that the terrorist
king pin has exchanged his turban
for a dew-rag, his trusty AK-47 for
Tech-9 and will operate under the
name of Osama Bin Hangin With
Da Crips. Though a self-described
“old-madrasa“ type terrorist he
nonetheless feels the need to modernize
his profile. In response,
Homeland Security has elevated
the terrorist threat level to gold
and black.
AND FINALLY
Not to be outdone by The White
Sox who will be issuing a special
edition cap in honor of Sox Fanin-Chief,
President Barack
Obama, The Cubs will, in turn,
offer fans a commemorative jersey
featuring blue prison pin-stripes
and a much longer number than
usual in tribute to uber-Cubs fan
Rod Blagojevich. Play Ball!!!
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