Felix by Sofia Greenberg - Humble Pie

Muffins
by
Sophia Rowland
I have to start out by telling you that when I was alive the first time I wasn’t the
nicest of guys. I loved pussy, not women – which is kind of ironic now. I remember
reading once about how in India people believe that the way you act in one life affects
what you become in the next. So maybe this new life is a kind of punishment – or at
least a serious downgrade.
I left my previous life really, really high. I was in the car with this chick I had
been sleeping with. She had a great body, blonde hair and sexy little legs. I was driving
and she was going on and on about how maybe we should take this to the next level. Of
course I thought she meant anal – which would have been awesome, but I was wrong.
And so I had to say “look I like you, and you give great head, but hell no,” and she was
all “you piece of shit, blah blah blah” -then I was slamming on the brakes and everything
went dark.
My first memory of this life was warm and black and calm and milk. That was
my mother – she was beautiful. All my other siblings purring all around me as we
suckled sweet love from her breasts. And mom’s eyes, big and yellow – like the sun. I
still reminisce about her licking my head with the kind of love only a mama cat can give.
But then one day she was gone, and so were my brothers and sisters.
I was taken to a room where I lost my manhood. If getting your balls chopped
off sounds bad as a human, it’s ten times worse as a cat – cause it really happens! Sure,
sure, they put you out, but when you wake up you feel so violated and pathetic. That’s
probably when I first realized what a dick I had been to the girls in my previous life.
You have a lot of time to think at the SPCA. I spent most of my day in the little
cage I was living in. After being fixed, I felt shy for a long time. I just couldn’t bring
myself to rub up against the bars and purr at the nice people who thought about
adopting me. So they gave me a roommate. He was this annoying tabby who the
humans called Frodo. He was so transparent it was unbelievable. Like the second
someone would come to look into our cage he’d be like “hey baby, wanna scratch my
head?” and I’d be like “God you’re such a douche bag” and he was like “no way dude. I
just know how it is. I know how to work it. I know how they like it.” Frodo ended up
going with this old lady who liked his face. I was glad to be rid of his company.
I liked to sleep in my litter box, which I suppose was kind of a turn off for
prospective owners. I stopped when the Abyssinian across the way informed me they
would probably put me down if I didn’t get adopted soon, so maybe I should ‘stop
sleeping in my own shit’. That scared me – I so did not want to return to the room
where I had been castrated only to be killed (again). So I jazzed it up for awhile. Then
one day when the Abyssinian was in the socialization room, the Persian in the next cage
over told me that they don’t put us down at the SPCA unless we’re feral or FIV positive
and that the Abyssian was just being a jerk because he didn’t like me. When the
Abyssian came back I put my butt in the air and sprayed in his face. Actually, it didn’t
quite reach and ended up getting all over the floor instead, but he still got the message.
Sometimes someone would like me and take me out to the socialization
room. I wasn’t really into laps, but string was something else. I fucking love string, I
don’t know why. It just tastes so good in my mouth and I feel this strange urge to
chase after it all the time… grind it in my teeth…mmm…