rageous! - ION Arizona Magazine

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! And Hanukkah. And
Kwanzaa. And Eid al-Adha. I try to be inclusive, you know, because I
want everybody to be happy!
In between spinning a dreidel or decorating a tree I fi nd time to spend
with my friends and family - that’s you! And there’s so much for me to
celebrate this December! First of all, happy anniversary to all my pals
at Amsterdam. They turn nine years old on December 13th! They’ve
invited Joshua and Jacob Miller of Nemesis Rising to perform for us!
See our exclusive spread and “interphotoview” with them. I just want
to cuddle up with them in my igloo all winter long. They’re the best!
Let’s give a big “ho ho howdy” to our new clubs here in the Valley:
Icepics Video Bar and Club Forbidden, opening on December 28.
You’ll fi nd a new advertiser and an old favorite, Pumphouse II
advertising inside! We’re excited! It’s a great bar and they’ve got
great strip shows with hot guys, too!
A big Party Penguin “hurray” goes out to Naomi St. James! She just
won the very fi rst Miss Goddess Apollo’s Pageant! Well done, girlie!
Don’t forget, New Year’s Eve is right around the corner! If you’re
looking for something to do, check out our carefully researched club
and bar guide starting on page 56. You’ll fi nd somebody to kiss at
midnight on January 1st!
What penguin needs an iceberg when you’ve got Travis
Berg? I’m happy to announce I’ve picked fab
Travis as the Party Penguin of the Year 2007! He
might even be the Party Penguin of the Decade,
Century, or maybe even the entire Millennium!
I’m serious! Travis returned back home to
us from North Carolina earlier this year. It’s
so nice to have you back where you belong!
You’re looking swell, Travis! --Still goin’
strong!
On behalf of everybody here at ION
Arizona, Happy Holidays! Party safe
and tell somebody dear you love
them.
7

10
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(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939
www.IONAZ.com
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Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 .................. editor@ionaz.com
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CONTRIBUTORS:
TO GROW YOUR BUSINESS,
CALL (602) 308-4662.
Published monthly by
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PUBLISHER
Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jackt@ionaz.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED PRINTED IN THE USA
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine
remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced,
altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited
usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.
NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily
refl ect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent
company.
Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization
within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication
of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To
our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION
Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted
by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and
they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see
a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will
remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos,
and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding
that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper
written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials
of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for
unlawful use of such content.

12
For more pictures, go to www.IONAZ.com
1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY
13

Thank Yule for the Music
“Fa, la, la, la, la! La, la, la, la!” Come hear those songbirds from the
Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus when they present their Holiday
Concert, “Thank Yule for the Music.” They’re performing December 1 &
2 at Trinity Cathedral at 100 W. Roosevelt and again on December 8 at
Shadow Rock United Church of Christ at 12861 N. 8th Ave. For more
info call 602-717-4262. “La, la!”
Fantasy of Lights Boat Parade
“I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas
Day ...” See fl otillas, armadas, and a whole navy
worth of vessels at the Tempe Town Lake Fantasy of
Lights Boat Parade. They set sail on December 8 at
starting at 4 p.m. And best of all, it’s free! If you want
to know more call 480-921-2300. Anchors aweigh!
Amsterdam’s 9th Anniversary
Amsterdam’s celebrating their birthday in a big way! Their Talent
Show fi nals are on December 13 at 7 p.m. The evening of fun
will be capped off with the comedy of Michele Balan and a live
performance by hot pop duo Nemesis Rising at 10:30. Come
here DJ Kio Kio spin at Club Miami. Guaranteed fun! 716-718 N.
Central Ave. or call 602-258-6122.
Dick’s Cabaret Merry XXX-Mas
From the North Pole to the Brass Pole! Strippers make great
stocking stuffers! Come to Dick’s for the Merry XXX-Mas Party
on December 14, 15 & 16. Win prizes, giveaways & sit on
Santa’s lap and talk about the fi rst thing that pops up! Celebrate
New Year’s Eve with our hot boys with champagne at midnight.
www.dickscabaret.com and see our ad on page 84 for an ION
discount! Speed over to 3432 E. Illini St. or dial 602-274-DICK.
Las Noches de las Luminarias
You can lead a horticulture - right over to the
Desert Botanical Garden Las Noches de las
Luminarias. Candles ‘n’ Cactus! Let’s sneak
amongst the saguaros! This stunning holiday
event continues through December 23 5:30-
9:30 p.m. See you at 1201 N. Galvin Pkwy. in
Papago Park. 480-941-1225
Glendale Glitters
“City sidewalks, pretty sidewalks, dressed in holiday
style.” Sounds like “Glendale Glitters” in the city’s historic
downtown. You’re bound to kiss someone under the
mistletoe in the gazebo, darling. Special events continue
through January 19, 2008. Motor on over to 59th &
Glendale Avenues for this holiday tradition.
DECEMBER 2007 ION SPECIAL EVENTS CALENDAR
thru-12/2 Tempe Festival of the Arts Mill Avenue Tempe
12/1 APS Electric Light Parade Central Corridor Phoenix
12/1,2 Thank Yule for the Music Trinity Cathedral Phoenix
12/4 & 11 Talent Competition Amsterdam Phoenix
12/7-9 4th Avenue Street Fair 4th Avenue Tucson
12/8 Grand Opening IcePics Phoenix
12/8 Fantasy of Lights Boat Parade Tempe Town Lake Tempe
12/8 & 9 Pueblo Grande Indian Market Steele Indian School Park Phoenix
12/13 Anniversary Party w/ Nemesis Amsterdam Phoenix
12/14-16 Dick’s Cabaret Merry XXX -Mas Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix
12/16 Toys For Tots Toy Drive & Benefi t Wild Card Chandler
12/23 Las Noches de las Luminarias Desert Botanical Garden Phoenix
12/28 Grand Opening Forbidden Night Club ?
12/31 Fiesta Bowl Block Party Tempe Beach Park Tempe
12/31 SEE OUR NEW YEARS PARTY GUIDE STARTING ON PAGE 56
1/2 Tostitos Fiesta Bowl U. of Phoenix Stadium Glendale
thru 1/6 Santa’s Christmas Park Firebird Int’l. Raceway Chandler
thru 1/6 Zoo Lights Phoenix Zoo Phoenix
thru 1/19 Glendale Glitters Historic Downtown Glendale Glendale
1/19 Road Runner Regional Rodeo Rawhide at Wild Horse Pass Chandler
14 15
Zoo Lights
You owe it to yourself to monkey around and see
one of the most amazing lighting displays in town
at ZooLights presented by the Phoenix Zoo. Dress
warmly, and get their early in evening! Tickets are only
$8. It continues through January 6, 2008. Find out
more! Call 602-914-4333.

7th Annual Christmas Pudding
National and local celebs perform live in a show to benefi t
the Solid Rock Foundation, as Alice Cooper’s 7th Annual
Christmas Pudding brings American Idol Jordan Sparks, Mitch
Ryder & The Detroit Wheels, Flo & Eddie of The Turtles and
Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers, to the Dodge Theatre,
December 15, 2007. Call (602) 379-2800.
Windham Hill Winter Solstice Concert
The sounds of the season come alive with soothing
solo and jazzy ensemble music, courtesy of the
Windham Hill Winter Solstice Concert, an annual
tradition this year featuring the women of Windam
Hill: Barbara Higbie, Liz Story and Lisa Lynne. At the
Scottsdale Center for the Arts, December 15, 2007.
Call (480) 994-ARTS.
DECEMBER 2007 ION CONCERT CALENDAR
DATE EVENT/ARTIST LOCATION
1 The Aquabats Marquee Theatre, Tempe
1,2 Thank Yule For the Music, PMMC Trinity Cathedral, Phoenix
3 Jonathan Davis Marquee Theatre, Tempe
4 Melt Banana Club Congress, Tucson
5 Motion City Soundtrack Marquee Theatre, Tempe
5 The Lemonheads Club Congress, Tucson
6 Dane Cook Jobing.com Arena, Glendale
6 Silversun Pickups, Angels and Airwaves Mesa Amphitheatre, Mesa
8 Chris Botti Celebrity Theatre, Phoenix
8 Thank Yule For the Music, PMMC Shadow Rock UCC, Phoenix
11 Tori Amos Dodge Theatre, Phoenix
11 Modest Mouse Rialto Theatre, Tucson
13 Ho-Ho-Hoedown with Trace Adkins US Airways Center, Phoenix
13 Brian Culbertson Celebrity Theatre, Phoenix
13-14 Brian Setzer Orchestra Mesa Arts Center, Mesa
14 Jingle Rock with Lenny Kravitz US Airways Center, Phoenix
14 Andrea Bocelli Jobing.com Arena, Glendale
15 Mannheim Steamroller Jobing.com Arena, Glendale
15 Alice Cooper’s Christmas Pudding Dodge Theatre, Phoenix
15 Windham Hill Winter Solstice Concert Scottsdale Center for the Arts
16 Larry The Cable Guy US Airways Center, Phoenix
19 Dave Koz & Friends Christmas Tour Mesa Arts Center, Mesa
21 Andy Williams Christmas Show ASU Gammage, Tempe
29 B.B. King Maricopa County Events Ctr
30 Reverend Horton Heat & Nashville Pussy Marquee Theatre, Tempe
4 Branford Marsalis – Scottsdale Center for the Arts, Scottsdale
19

y Dave Jackson
djackson@virginmega.com
Yo, DJ! What’s New?
Happy Holidays! So what were your
favorites from 2007? As expected, here
is my annual top 10 album’s list! #1
– Amy Winehouse; #2 – Chicane; #3
– Seal; #4 – Rufus Wainwright; #5
– Maroon 5; #6 – Annie Lennox; #7
– Matt White; #8 – Schiller; #9 – Kylie
Minogue & #10 – Erasure. Did any
of those make your list? If not, I highly
suggest you go check them out as well
as this month’s selections!
Kylie Minogue – X
After a minor
setback from
Body Language,
Kylie is back in
full force; ready
for a triumphant
comeback and a
new take on life.
This time around she’s full of spunk and
offers us 13 delicious odes to new wave
pop with attitude. Opening track, Two
Hearts offers a gritty rock edge feel,
while Like a Drug and The One are pure
dancefl oor gems, almost reminiscent
of her Light Year days. Other tracks of
sugar are No More Rain and Sensitized.
For you real fans, fi nd the Japanese
import, for it also contains 3 bonus
tracks!
Emmy Rossum – Inside Out
Take 3 parts
Imogen Heap
and 1 part Enya
to describe the
debut from actress
Emmy Rossum.
Though known for
her movie roles,
her fi rst love and primary training is
in music. First single, Slow Me Down
is a song of nearly 150 vocal tracks
23
with no instrumentation; a feat and
sound that is impressive. Conversely,
The Great Divide showcases simple
accompaniment, but gives way to her
chilling vocal range. And completing this
crossover pop album, the song High
soars with inspiration. This truly is the
perfect gift for the holidays.
Matt White – Best Days
They say in order
to make a splash in
the industry, create
a debut that people
won’t forget. Matt
does just that and
much more. Half
Jason Mraz half
Maroon 5, White delivers songs with
a smooth voice that will immediately
make you want more. Lead single,
Best Days is just pure pleasure with
Love taking you to a relationship we’ve
all experienced in the past. And then
there’s I’ll be There; just simply divine.
Jordin Sparks American Idol
winner and Arizona
sweetheart is
hoping to do what
Taylor Hicks didn’t;
be successful.
Fresh off a fi rst
ever signing with
Jive, Jordin presents us with 13 tracks
of contemporary R&B, with lead single
Tattoo lending a perfect introduction to
the overall feel of the album. Though
the album doesn’t showcase her best
attribute, her voice; it is a safe debut
with a stripped down feel that will surely
please fans. Other tracks of note include
the livelier One Step at a Time and No
Air, her collaboration with Chris Brown.

26
The Eight: Reindeer Monologues
Santa and Rudolph aren’t always the great guys we’ve been led to believe they are,
according to Donner and the rest of the sleigh-pulling team, who pull no punches in
the irreverent adult holiday spoof, The Eight: Reindeer Monologues. Presented by
Tempe Little Theatre at the Tempe Center For The Arts, December 14 & 15, 2007.
Call (480) 350-2822
Annie
Leapin’ lizards, it’s a hard knock life all over again for the plucky little red-headed
orphan who, despite the pitfalls of depression era United States, refuses to give up
on hope, in Annie, an all-new revisioning of the classic, boasting one of Broadway’s
most memorable scores. Presented at ASU Gammage, December 26 – 30, 2007.
Call (480) 965-3434.
DECEMBER 2007 ION THEATRE & STANDUP CALENDAR
DATE EVENT/ARTIST LOCATION PHONE
Thru 12/02 Altar Boyz Phoenix Theatre (602) 254-2151
Thru 12/09 Radio City Christmas Spectacular Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts (480) 994-2787
Thru 12/15 Mask Arizona Theatre Company (520) 622-2823
Thru 12/15 A Shakespearean Christmas Southwest Shakespeare Company (480) 644-6500
Thru 12/16 Disney’s Beauty And The Beast Scottsdale Desert Stages Theatre (480) 483-1664
Thru 12/16 Charlie Brown Christmas Theater Works (623) 815-7930
Thru 12/16 The Business Of Murder Invisible Theatre (520) 882-9721
Thru 12/22 Metamorphoses Nearly Naked Theatre (602) 254-2151
Thru 12/23 Sister’s Christmas Catechism Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts (480) 994-2787
Thru 12/30 Crazy For You AZ Broadway Theatre (623) 776-8400
12/01 Jeff Dunham Celebrity Theatre (602) 267-1600
12/1-2 Heath Hyche Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877
12/01-23 A Christmas Carol Hale Centre Theatre (480) 497-1181
12/02-30 Coyote Dreams Darknight Productions (480) 595-7346
12/6-9 Alonzo Bodden Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877
12/07-23 Smokey Joe’s Café Black Theatre Troupe (602) 258-8128
12/07-08 Travis Thurman The Comedy Spot (480) 945-4422
12/08 Ha Ha’s Improv Performance Valley Youth Theatre (602) 253-8188
12/08-16 The Quitlmaker’s Gift Phoenix Theatre (602) 258-1974
12/13-16 Tom Papa Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877
12/14-15 Evita Maricopa County Events Center (623) 544-2888
12/14-15 Mike Bailey The Comedy Spot (480) 945-4422
12/14-15 The Eight: Reindeer Monologues Tempe Little Theatre (480) 350-2822
12/15 Doug Stanhope Club Congress (520) 622-8848
12/16 Larry The Cable Guy US Airways Center (602) 379-2000
12/18-23 That Holiday Feeling AZ Broadway Theatre (623) 776-8400
12/21-22 Sean Dillin The Comedy Spot (480) 945-4422
12/20-23 Pablo Francisco Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877
12/26-30 Annie ASU Gammage (480) 965-3434
12/27-31 Frank Caliendo Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877
12/28-29 Robert Mac The Comedy Spot (480) 945-4422
27

Sometimes, making a really good
movie isn’t all about getting the big
“It” celebrities to take on the title
character. Sometimes, it’s about
assembling a fi ne group of talented
actors who all add a little bit of their
own style to the story. The two
movies I’m previewing are the kind of
movies that bring a good mix of actors
together, let them simmer, and see
what kind of deliciousness they can
make on screen.
The Amateurs (2007)
Starring: Jeff
Bridges, Jeanne
Tripplehorn, Ted
Danson, William
Fichtner, Patrick
Fugit and Joe
Pantaliano.
Life has yielded
nothing but heartache and
disappointment for Andy Sargentee
(Bridges). After his wife, Thelma
(Tripplehorn) takes his son, Alex,
and leaves him for a new, wealthy
husband, he decides that enough is
enough and it’s time to turn his life
around.
Enlisting the help of an oddball group,
he sets about the task of making
amateur porn. With no money, an
inexperienced crew and an unwilling
cast, they work tirelessly to beat
the odds in this hilarious, offbeat
comedy-of-errors by director, Michael
Traeger.
The Amateurs has a great cast of
character actors, including Ted
Danson (Cheers) as the closeted
homosexual lead who wilts under
the pressure, Patrick Fugit (Almost
Famous), who gets the job as Director
of Photography simply because
he has a video camera, and Joe
29
by Kimberly M. Ruff
Pantaliano (Goonies, The Matrix)
who eagerly takes on the task of
being the Director, despite being
known only by the disparaging
nickname, “Some Idiot.” If you love
all the behind-the-scenes aspects of
movies, you’ll defi nitely dig the fi lm.
Release Date: December 7, 2007.
Juno (2007)
Starring: Ellen
Page, Michael
Cera, Jason
Bateman, Jennifer
Garner
If you ever had a
chance to see the
whip-smart, social
commentary / comedy, Thank You
for Smoking, then you have some
idea of what you’re in for with Jason
Reitman’s new movie, Juno.
Written by Diablo Cody, Juno is a
brilliantly crafted coming-of-age tale
starring Ellen Page (Hard Candy)
as the title character who, after an
evening of indiscretion, learns than
she’s pregnant. With the help of her
best friend, Leah (Olivia Thirlby),
Juno’s able to fi nd a couple to adopt
her child (Bateman, Garner), but
still has some diffi cult hurdles to
overcome as she learns that she
wasn’t as world-wise as she originally
thought she was.
Juno is smart and edgy, carried on
the wings of a talented, ensemble
cast, including J.K. Simmons and
Allison Janney as Juno’s parents
and Michael Cera (Superbad,
Arrested Development) as Bleeker,
the father of her child. Release Date:
December 5, 2007.
Questions? Comments? Reach the reviewer
at kimberlyruff@yahoo.com.

ionmovies
DECEMBER 2007 MOVIE OPENINGS
TITLE GENRE RATING
7 The Golden Compass Action/ Adventure / Family PG
7 Atonement Drama / Romance / War R
7 Grace is Gone Drama PG-13
7 The Amateurs Comedy R
14 I Am Legend Action/ Fantasy/ Horror/ Sci-Fi R
14 Juno Comedy/ Drama PG-13
14 The Kite Runner Drama PG-13
14 The Perfect Holiday Family/ Romance PG-13
14 Alvin and the Chipmunks Comedy/ Family PG
14 Youth Without Youth Romance/ Thriller R
21 National Treasure: Book of Scrts Action/ Adventure PG
21 Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story Comedy/ Music R
21 P.S. I Love You Comedy/ Drama PG-13
21 Sweeney Todd Crime/ Musical/ Thriller R
21 Flakes Comedy NYR
25 The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep Adventure/ Family/ Fantasy PG
25 The Bucket List Adventure/ Comedy/ Drama PG-13
25 Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem Action/ Horror/ Sci-Fi R
25 The Orphanage Drama/ Horror/ Mystery/ Thriller R
25 Charlie Wilson’s War Drama R
25 Persepolis Action/ Drama PG-13
25 The Great Debaters Drama NYR
25 Cassandra’s Dream Crime/ Drama R
25 There Will Be Blood Drama R
30

I’m not feeling clever enough to try and
link my two DVDs together. I suppose,
if I want to get metaphorical and crazy
I could say that both of my fi lms are
showcasing of people tryng to improve
their lives by working within certain
constraints either imposed by nature or
by man and creating beauty. But I don’t
know if that analysis holds any water. It
sounds good, though, and that’s all that
counts.
Transtasia
(2006) –
Documentary
Dir: Jeremy
Stanford
Venture inside
the fi rst ever Most
Beautiful Transexual
Pageant, where
gorgeous international male-to-female
transexuals journey to Las Vegas to
compete against each other for the
coveted crown.
Mixing footage shot behind the scenes
and on stage, director Jeremy Stanford
allows six of the women to tell the
stories of their own, diffi cult journeys to
self-actualization.
By speaking directly with the
contestants, viewers are given the
unique opportunity to see what a
diffi cult hurdle reconciling your mental
and emotional self with your physical
one.
For most people, the biggest struggles
in life are hitting milestones; getting
through school, buying a house,
establishing good credit, advancing in
your career, whatever. But at the core
of it, we always have the understanding
of our self; I am myself on all levels,
regardless of these hurdles. It is
unimaginable what these women must
have gone through, not even having
that and then having to work their way
by Wes Bergman
wesobergman@yahoo.com
up from the absolute bottom to become
who they are today. As MC Jahna
Steele noted, they’re all winners. They
made it that far and that is so much
farther than many of us make it.
Project Runway, Season 3
(2006)
Reality TV Series
In my more
pretentious days,
I deplored Reality
TV. That is, until I
saw Project Runway
and now I am a
complete junkie.
Unlike other reality
shows that center
around competition,
Project Runway offers a hook that
ensnares you: regardless of personality,
this competition is about skill. Fifteen
designers spend an entire season
creating breathtaking clothes for
women (as well as some eyerolling,
burlap-sack-esque nonsense) as they
compete for a new car, a photospread
in Elle, a contract with I.N.K., and a
sizable sum of money to start their own
line.
As the pressure starts to get to the
designers, what it all comes down to
on the runway is who is “in” and who is
“out” in the fashion world.
In this season, we had a wide range
of taste: from pageant gowns to
sports wear, from earth mother to rock
goddess, from Park Avenue princess to
ghetto girl…and everything in between.
I won’t spoil the surprise and tell you
who wins; I will only tell you that you
must buy this and spend a nice long
weekend watching it, because it’s just
that good.
Questions? Comments? Reach the
reviewer at wesbergman@yahoo.com
33

Meet the Guys
Name: Juan
Sign: Virgo
Occupation: Realtor, Real Estate
Investor, Professional DJ.
Originally from: San Antonio, Texas.
For fun: DJing is my love, going
dancing, & traveling.
Favorite sports: Softball and football
(American football).
Dream Destination: Cape Town, South
Africa. It’s so pretty and I can’t wait
to go!
When did you come out? I haven’t
really come out to my family, but they
know. I’ve never actually said the words
“I’m gay” to them. They know Johan and
I are together though. It’s an unspoken
understanding.
Name: Johan
Sign: Virgo
Occupation: Dog Groomer for
Applewood Pet Resort
Originally from: Puebla (near Mexico
City), Mexico
For fun: Work out, go dancing, and hang
out with Juan. I also like to play pool.
Favorite sports: Baseball and football
(soccer).
Dream Destination: Cape Town, South
Africa. Juan showed me pictures and
now I really want to go, too.
When did you come out? I’m in the
same sort of situation as Juan. I just live
my life!
602-993-4567 phx
520-791-2345 tuc
Get a Date Tonight!
See ad on page 99 (Free code: 4448)

40
Did You Ever Know That You’re My Gyro?
I was stuck reading
Edith Hamilton’s
ancient book about
Greek Mythology in
high school. Perseus,
Medusa, Zeus,
Hercules, Ganymede,
blah, blah, blah.
However, it got pretty
interesting right about
the time Prometheus
stole fi re from the
Gods up on Mount
Olympus and started
cooking. He was the
founder of My Big Fat
Greek Restaurant.
How else could you
possible get such
heavenly Greek food
unless a god was the chef?
Like the philosopher Diogenes who
searched the city for an honest man,
all I’m looking for is good, honest to
goodness Greek food. Here it is. With
nine locations in the Valley and one
in Tucson it’s easy to get a taste of
the olympic menu from the cradle of
Western civilization at My Big Fat Greek
Restaurant.
It’s “Opa Time” when you start off with
a tempting appetizer of Flaming Feta.
This pyrotechnic palate pleaser offers
up a skillet of sauteed feta cheese
with red, ripe Roma tomatoes, olive
oil, fresh oregano, and peppers that
are hotter than Hellas. With a fl ick of a
Bic, our server, Kyle, created a culinary
confl agration for our enjoyment.
I couldn’t resist doing my best Bette
Davis imitation while croaking out her
famous line, “Pita, Pita, Pita!” when the
waiter came to take my order. Okay, so
41
it wasn’t that funny.
But believe me,
the award winning
gyros served with
tzatziki, your choice
of fi llings and
assorted veggies
stuffed into a fresh
pita is certainly
nothing to laugh at.
These Oscar worthy
sandwiches are big,
hearty and delicious.
Other authentic
Greek dishes include
Souvlaki dinners.
You’ll fi nd lean,
tender pieces of fi let,
like chicken, pork,
angus beef, lamb or shrimp skewered
and grilled to perfection. The Angus
is juicy and practically melts in your
mouth. All of their delicious dinners are
served with roasted lemon potatoes,
sauteed vegetables and rice. A crisp
Greek Salad is available with your
dinner for only $2 more. So bring your
appetite along with you.
You don’t have to be as rich as
Aristotle Onassis to order from their
menu of Greek Specialties. The
Mousaka is made on the premises with
layers of eggplant, zucchini, layered
potatoes and ground beef. All of this is
topped with a creamy bechamel sauce
and parmesan cheese. Think of it as
Greek lasagna, but without any pasta.
This entree is rich, fi lling and delicious.
This dish, along with a few others, is
available vegetarian style.
Another treat is the Athenian
Spaghetti. The perfectly prepared
pasta al dente is tossed in virgin olive

oil, fresh garlic and a three cheese
combo of mizithra, parmesan and
feta. The hot, crisp garlic toast which
accompanies it makes it a winner.
You’ll also fi nd an exciting array of
pizza and calzones to choose from. In
addition, there are more favorites on
the menu like steaks, seafood, chicken
classics, burgers and other sandwiches
for the less culinarily adventurous. But
don’t kid yourself, they don’t skimp on
the attention to any of these dishes.
Save room for dessert. There’s several
to choose from, but try the homemade
baklava, a traditional Greek favorite - 30
layers of phyllo with a pistachio/walnut
mixture, dripping with honey and a
spiced sugar topping. But our hearts -
(Continued from page 42)
and our stomachs - go out to the Baklava
Cheesecake. This is a grand marriage
between New York Cheesecake mixed
with shredded baklava and honey. It
doesn’t get much better than this.
If you enjoy your big, fat, greek lunch
or dinner at the Biltmore location, don’t
forget to tell eager-to-please manager,
Lefty, “Yamas!” from big, fat me.
Whichever location, let them know that
ION sent you. Remember, your ION VIP
keychain entitles you to 10% off food
orders.
For location addresses and a full menu
visit www.mybigfatgreekrestaurant.com
Sunday through Thursday 11 a.m.-
11 p.m. Friday and Saturday 11 a.m.
midnight
42
43

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For more pictures, go to www.IONAZ.com
MISS GODDESS APOLLO’S PAGEANT
46

NEMESIS
JACOB &
JOSHUA
48
Joshua and Jacob Miller make
up the groundbreaking pop/rock duo
known as Nemesis Rising. Originally
from rural Montana and raised as
Jehovah’s Witness, these identical
“mirror” twin brothers are both talented
singers, songwriters and musicians - and
they just happen to be gay. Their trials
and errors in the music business while
searching for stardom were documented
in a reality TV series, Jacob & Joshua:
Nemesis Rising, premiering last year on
the LOGO network. Not only were the
boys facing a trial-by-fi re in the cutthroat
music industry, they were confronted with
coming out to their parents and religious
community back home, boyfriend problems
and the garden variety bickering that all
siblings share.
ION was lucky enough to get the
opportunity to meet and visit with these
two guys after their recent show benefi ting
Phoenix Body Positive at the Tempe
Center for the Arts this past November and
then again in Los Angeles for a super-hot
photo shoot on the beach.
We met up with the boys Network
International Model and Talent Agency in
Beverly Hills where we had a chance to
step out for coffee with the boys where we
get to know each other a little bit better
before heading to the beach.
And now, through the miracle of modern
technology and television, you can
meet the talented twins Dec. 21st at
6 a.m. on LOGO - Channel 159 with
Cox Communications when their series
repeats. But why wait ‘til then? Come see
the talented duo perform for you live at
Jacob and Joshua are
mirror twins. Jacob is
left handed, Joshua is
right handed. Joshua
is brunette. Jacob is
blonde. See? They’re
totally opposite.
Amsterdam
on December
13, at 10:30 to help
celebrate the club’s 9th
Anniversary. Believe us, they’re
even better in the fl esh!
As Nemesis Rising, Joshua and Jacob
released their album Rise Up which
features lots of memorable songs,
ballads, cover tunes and catchy singles
including “Rise Up”, “Number One in
Heaven,” and their up-and-coming
smash hit, “Letter to God.”
The Miller twins are both very individual,
and complex, warm, thoughtful, easy
to know, friendly, exciting, genuine,
introspective yet extroverted, simple,
private and very public - all at the same
time. It’s impossible for us to print an
interview with them word-for-word. So
we’ve distilled our casual day chatting
with Joshua and Jacob Miller of Nemesis
Rising into a collection of factoids that we
hope will present the essence of these
entertainers in addition to their exciting
body of work.
Remember, Joshua is brunette, and
Jacob is the blonde.

Nemesis is represented by
the same agency as Barry
Manilow, but they have
never sung “Copacabana”
(That we know of)
The brothers fi rst left
Montana for Nashville,
Tennessee before
relocating to Los
Angeles.
Everybody wants superpowers!
If the twins had superpowers,
Jacob would fl y and Joshua
would have superhuman
memory skills. We just wished
we had x-ray vision.

Both Jacob and Joshua
love iTunes. Joshua has
Alicia Keys’ new album As
I Am and loves the single
“No One.” Jacob likes lots
of stuff, but most notable is
Hillary Duff. We dig her too,
Jacob.
52
Jacob is reading
Wicked by Gregory
Maguire and would
love to sing in the
Broadway show - but
he hasn’t actually seen
it - yet.
Joshua thinks that
Broadway is still down the
road a ways. First he wants
to get the single, “Letter to
God” out on the airwaves.
It’s making progress. Call
your favorite radio stations
and request it!

Joshua bought this buckle
just for this photo shoot.
He’s so stylish. He also loves
technology - he video
records everything!
Both guys are
single.

19
Amsterdam - Phoenix
Amsterdam turns 9 years young and they’re hosting a talent contest with
$1,000 for the winner! Sign up by 8 p.m. for prelims on December 4 & 11
with fi nals on December 13. At 10:30 they welcome comic Michele Balan
and super hot pop duo Nemesis Rising! DJ Kio Kio spins at Club Miami.
See the ad on page 21 for more info about our New Year’s Eve!
718 N. Central Ave. (602) 258-6122
Apollo’s - Phoenix
56 57
Countdown the New Year
with ION Arizona!
Planning on staying home for the holidays? Get real!
Get out and celebrate the most festive month of the
year! There is so much to do it can be overwhelming,
so we highlighted a few of Arizona’s hot spots
and their grandest festivities. Get out and make this
holiday season a memorable one.
Amsterdam turns 9 years young and they’re hosting a talent contest with
$1,000 for the winner! Sign up by 8 p.m. for prelims on December 4 & 11
with fi nals on December 13. At 10:30 they welcome comic Michele Balan
and super hot pop duo Nemesis Rising! DJ Kio Kio spins at Club Miami.
See the ad on page 21 for more info
By Jove, the newly remodeled Apollo’s is like Heaven! Their famous
brunch returns every Sunday for only $7 with $2 Bloody’s & Mimosas.
New Year’s Eve brings “An Aff air to Remember” drag show with the fab
Barbra Seville. Win $1,000 in the Best Dressed Contest. Find out more at
www.apollos.com or see our ad on page 24.
5749 N. 7th St. (602) 277-9373
18
20
By Jove, the newly remodeled Apollo’s is like Heaven! Their famous
brunch returns every Sunday for only $7 with $2 Bloody’s & Mimosas.
New Year’s Eve brings “An Aff air to Remember” drag show with the fab
Barbra Seville. Win $1,000 in the Best Dressed Contest. Find out more at
www.apollos.com or see our ad on page 24.
AREA Phoenix
One World. One Night. One Beat. Masterbeat - a Global Celebration will
be here in Phoenix on New Year’s Eve with DJ Joe King from Seattle spinning.
This event will help benefi t worthwhile organizations. Tickets are
on sale at www.circuiticket.com or visit www.newyearsphx.com. See our
ad on page 21.
One World. One Night. One Beat. Masterbeat - a Global Celebration will
be here in Phoenix on New Year’s Eve with DJ Joe King from Seattle spinning.
This event will help benefi t worthwhile organizations. Tickets are
on sale at www.circuiticket.com or visit www.newyearsphx.com. See our
ad on page 21.
2102 N. 23rd Ave.

17
15
13
Charlie’s - Phoenix
58 59
The Beat Before Christmas
Happy Holidays! Saturday, December 8th The Beat Before Christmas is
back! It’s the offi cial relaunch party for Energy 92.7/101.1 plus, we’ll have
surprise performances all night long, including CeCe Peniston and Lucas
Prata. Tix are $10 in advance. Go to www.thebeatbeforechristmas.com for
details. The got the beat at Burn Nightclub! Our ad is on page 25.
122 E. Washington St. (602) 258-1772
The Biz - Tucson
It’s time to bring in 2008, so why not celebrate with “family” at The
Biz? There’s no cover & DJ Hill will be spinning the tunes & we’ve got
party favors and free champagne at midnight! Come see how the girls
the new year in Tucson. Call us for reserved VIP tables. Visit us at www.
myspace.com/thbiztucson
2900 E. Broadway (520) 318-4838 3
BS West - Scottsdale
Drink in the New Year with a bang! BS West welcomes 2008 with a party
where you can get terrifi c drink packages for you and your friends.
Throw in champagne at midnight & complementary hors d’oeuvres
and kiss 2007 goodbye! 20 hotels are just a crawl away. Check us out at
www.bswest.com or our ad on page 12.
7125 5th Ave. (480) 945-9028
Burn - Phoenix
14
16
Say “Hello” to 2008 at Burn! New Year’s Eve is hot but we’ve got cold
champagne, party favors and a cool $1,000 cash giveaway. The fun goes
from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. Welcome 18 years old & up after 2 a.m. Cover’s
only $10 for a swell party! Visit www.myspace.com/burnnightclub for
info. Our ad’s on page 28.
122 E. Washington St. (602) 258-1772
Giddyup! Saddle up the ol’ cayuse and mosey over to the Valley’s favorite
C&W Club! This friendly 23 year veteran of the club scene hosts great
afterhours on weekends and Undie Mondays. Don’t forget Line Dancing
Lessons every Thursday & Saturday. Cowboy up at www.charliesphoenix.
com for more info. Our ad’s on page 8.
Giddyup! Saddle up the ol’ cayuse and mosey over to the Valley’s favorite
C&W Club! This friendly 23 year veteran of the club scene hosts great
afterhours on weekends and Undie Mondays. Don’t forget Line Dancing
Lessons every Thursday & Saturday. Cowboy up at www.charliesphoenix.
com for more info. Our ad’s on page 8.
727 W. Camelback Rd. (602) 265-0224

10
12
8
Club Vibe - Phoenix
Hang with the hottest women at the hottest dance club in Phoenix! Join
Boycott as we present “The Masquerade into 2008” for their New Year’s
Eve Party. VIP services are available and there’s a special performance by
Lauren Winston, too! And don’t forget the hot girlies! Check out our ad
on page 16 or visit www.boycottclub.com for more info.
3031 E. Indian School Rd. (602) 224-9977
Dick’s Cabaret - Phoenix
From the North Pole to the Brass Pole! Come to Dick’s for the Merry
XXX-Mas Party on December 14, 15 & 16! They’ve got prizes, giveaways &
one of Santa’s really sexy, naughty elf! Celebrate New Year’s Eve with our
hot boys with champagne at midnight. www.dickscabaret.com and see
our ad on page 84 for an ION discount!
3432 E. Illini St.
(602) 274-DICK
Club Forbidden - Phoenix
At press time this is so top secret even ION can’t tell you anything about
the hottest new East Valley dance club opening on December 28. So log
on now at www.forbiddenaz.com to download your VIP ticket. Hurry! Ou
ad is on page 3. Tix are available two days only on December 15 & 16! See
you there!
www.forbiddenaz.com
IcePics Video Bar - Phoenix
Video Killed the Radio Star - fi nd out how at IcePics Video Bar! We’ve got
vaults of Dance, Pop, Retro & Dance music as well as Showtunes and
Comedy videos! Grand Opening is on Saturday, December 8th! Great
videos, cold drinks & hot boys. Watch for our Theme Nights! You’ll fi nd us
right next to Red Devil Restaurant. You’ll fi nd our ad on pages 4 & 5.
3108 E. McDowell Rd. (602) 267-8707
Karamba - Phoenix
See Anamor, direct from Italy, performing live on December 8 with
prizes & giveaways. On December 27 join us for “Noche de Luminarias.”
Come to the fi esta grande on New Year’s Eve. We’re open ‘til 4 a.m. And
don’t forget: coming soon - Latino Gay Idol! Take a look at our ad on
page 9 and for more info see www.myspace.com/karambanightclub
1724 E. McDowell Rd. (602) 254-0231
61
11
9

3
at park central
at park central
NaughtY
or
Nice
5
7
Kobalt - Phoenix
Celebrate Auld Lang Syne 2007 & ring in 2008 with your pals at
Kobalt. Pucker up with your sweetie (or whoever’s handy) at midnight
for a champagne toast. There’ll be drink specials all day and night, too.
Go to www.kobaltbarphoenix.com for more info. Take a look at our ad
on page 20.
3110 N. Central Ave. (602) 264-5307
Naughty or Nice - Tempe
This one-night-only event for women is on December 15 and hosted by
M-TV’s Rebecca Hollis from “A Shot At Love” & features other surprise
guests. There’ll be prizes for the Naughtiest & Nicest costume & great
drink specials. Doors open at 9 p.m. $10 cover after 10 p.m. Don’t miss
the Sexy Mirage Dancers. VIP tix available. See our ad on page 26.
The Loft @ 420 S. Mill Ave. (480) 390-5745
Noches de Skandalo - Phoenix
Solamente Los Viernes! Come to the only gay scene in West Phoenix at
Mango’s Nightclub every Friday night. See DJ Oscar Rivera and special
guests, plus enjoy a full bar with drink specials all night long. Guests
18+ are welcome for afterhours ‘til 4 a.m. Arriba! See their ad on page
31 or go to www.myspace.com/skandalonights.
55th Ave. and Camelback (602) 544-6311
Pumphouse II - Phoenix
“The weather outside is frightful! But the fi re is so delightful!” But not
nearly as delightful as our Hot Bods Male Review on Thursdays and Saturdays
at 10:30 p.m. Join us New Year’s Eve for great drink specials and
champagne toast at midnight, of course, and there’s no cover charge!
Visit www.pumphouseii.com
4132 E. McDowell Rd. (602) 275-3509
Roscoe’s - Phoenix
4
6
Take one for the team at Roscoe’s Sports Bar! Touchdown on Tuesdays
for 2-4-1 all night long. Don’t forget the best chow in town at the All
Star Grill or the $6 Sunday Brunch with $2 Bloody Marys. Come in on
December 12 and meet our guest bartenders Tammy & Waylon! Slide in
at www.roscoeson7.com for more or see our ad on page 22.
4531 N. 7th St. (602) 285-0833

1
2008
HAPPY
NEW
YEAR!
Wild Card - Chandler
Woody’s - Tucson
The fun never stops at Woody’s! Karaoke, Drag Bingo, Sunday Brunch,
Underwear, Leather & Fetish Parties, our fabulous Back Pocket Patio and
don’t forget our friendly, gorgeous staff ! It’s all right here! Say “goodbye”
to 2007 & “hello” to 2008 here at Woody’s! For more info visit www.
mywoodysaz.com
3710 N. Oracle Rd. (520) 292-6702
65
2
Hey, Jokers! We’ve got an ace up their sleeve at Wild Card this month!
Join in the fun for our Annual Holiday Party on Thursday, December
20th. On Monday, January 31st you can bet we’ll deal one helluva game
at our Ultimate New Year’s Eve Party and see our ad on page 10.
801 N. Arizona Ave. (480) 857-3088
The fun never stops at Woody’s! Karaoke, Drag Bingo, Sunday Brunch,
Underwear, Leather & Fetish Parties, our fabulous Back Pocket Patio and
don’t forget our friendly, gorgeous staff ! It’s all right here! Say “goodbye”
to 2007 & “hello” to 2008 here at Woody’s! For more info visit www.
mywoodysaz.com
Holiday Survival Guide:
Now that you’ve decided to get off your butt and
have some fun, here are some valuable tips that
will help you avoid starting your new year in the
hospital, jail or morgue!
1. Know when to say ‘when’. Passing out is not a
determination of ones limits.
Please, know yours.
2. Don’t drink and drive. Even one drink.
Sheriff Joe has lots of rooms available and he
wants to fi ll them.
3. Call a cab, or better yet, rent a limo so you
can go bar hopping in style!
4 If a friend off ers you an illegal drug for free,
the cost is too high and they’re no friend!
5. Take this copy of ION Arizona Magazine with
you wherever you go so you don’t miss
a thing!

PHOTO CREDITS
Nemesis Rising
Photography - Carl James
Art Direction - Kevin Bushaw
Hair Stylist - Nancy Salim
Special thanks to Ted Sarandos, Joey Sarandos, Patrik Simpson of Network International,
John Adams of Stiletto Entertainment, & Joanna.
The Countdown
Photography - Richard Bolinski
Art Direction - Kevin Bushaw
Hair Stylist - Adrian from Boxers Men’s Salon
Special thanks to the models - Landon, Kevin, Victor, Rebecca & Candace
Highlight - Make-up Artist
Bianca Slingerland- A native of Arizona, Bianca was always drawn
to the arts. Doing makeup for fashion shows and print-work was a logical
progression for her after she graduated from the prestigious National
Aesthetics Institute of Scottsdale. You can find her teaching make-up at
John Casablancas, or at the Adam Pink salon where she can give you a
chemical peel, micro-dermabrassion or a wax. Just not all at once. For
the salon call (480)759-0232. For more extensive make-up projects email Bianca at
slingerland77@yahoo.com

HAPPY 23RD ANNIVERSARY
71

y Mark Layne
Goal Setting for the New Year
It’s that time of year to look back, refl ect
and plan ahead for the New Year. We all
do a little soul searching at the end of the
year and fi tness is an area that usually is
at or near the top of the list. So, here are
some tips on how to enter the New Year
with resolve and some goals to improve
the body you have in the shortest time
possible.
Any effort to establish new goals has to
begin with a realistic assessment of where
you are today. Sometimes it’s hard to
be honest with yourself especially when
it comes to your personal appearance
and fi tness. So, you’ve got to sit down
by yourself, with a friend or with a trainer
and fi gure out if you need to drop some
weight, gain some weight or otherwise
change your body. Then you need to look
at why you aren’t already there. In other
words, why haven’t you been able to make
these physical changes so far? Is it your
professional obligations, do you work too
much to allow time for exercise? Does your
personal life lead you to be a couch potato
or maybe you hit the bars and social life
too much. Maybe it’s something else but
you’ve got to be realistic and honest if you
are going to set some goals for the New
Year.
In many cases, it’s no single thing that
is keeping you back. It’s a mix of things.
It helps to get a
motivation source
like a workout
buddy or trainer to
keep in step with
you, motivate you
and force you to
be
accountable to the goals. If you want to
fi rm up, drop a little weight and add some
muscle to your frame. If you ever want a
free assessment and fi rst training session
to get you started, just give me a call I’ll
be happy to help.
• Set up monthly goals for body fat
reduction and size.
• Begin preparing at least 75% of your
meals at home.
• Force yourself to eat 6 smaller size
meals a day.
• Drink a minimum of eight 12 ounce
glasses of pure water a day.
• Cut out all sugared beverages, including
fancy alcoholic varieties.
• Go to the gym or resistance exercises
at least 3 times each week for at least 1
hour.
• Perform cardio for 1 hour 3 times per
week.
• Stop eating carbohydrates 4 hours
before bedtime.
• Establish a baseline for 6 key exercises
or how much weight you can lift 8 times.
• Plan to increase your poundage on key
exercises by 20% per month with good
form.
• Get 6-8 hours of solid sleep each night,
followed by breakfast every day.
Remember that these are general
guidelines and may not be perfect for
everyone but give these basic things a
try. It is also important to see your doctor
before you start just to make sure you are
all set for this change in demands on your
body. Give it 3 months and make it fun,
meet some hot guys in the gym or hiking
trail. Impress your partner and enlist their
involvement and encouragement. I know
you will feel better!
Mark Layne is a Certifi ed Personal
Trainer and owner of PUMPEDCUT
Fitness located at 4314 N. 7th
Avenue, Phoenix, 85013. He
can be reached at (480)
861.6284 or on the web
at www.pumpedcut.
com
72
73

KARAOKE
DEMOLITION
Ten songs that should be
cut (or curbed) from karaoke!
10 Whitney Houston - (You know the one)
9 Sir Mix Alot - Baby Got Back
8 Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
(Dear God, please let this song end!)
7 Frank Sinatra - New York, New York
6 FOUR words: WICKED, CHICAGO, RENT,
& GREASE
5 Tom Jones - Delilah
4 ALL ELVIS PRESLEY
ESPECIALLY Hound Dog
3 Billy Joel- Pianoman
(Sing us a different song, already!)
2 Margaritaville
(or ANYTHING ELSE from Jimmy Buffett)
..and the #1 song that should
be banned from karaoke:
Garth Brooks - I’ve Got Friends
(In Low Places)
Except for after this number, at which point
you don’t have ANY!
74
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For more pictures, go to www.IONAZ.com
75
1ST ANNIVERSARY

76
DECEMBER 2007
Vol. 1, Issue 9
OUTRAGEOUS!
Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
ARIZONA STATE
CAPITOL GOES CONDO
PHOENIX -
More than 1,000
people move into
the Phoenix area
every month. In
an effort to keep
up with urban
housing planning,
the Arizona State
Government plans
on converting
the historic state
capitol building
into a condominium
to be called,
ironically enough,
“The Capitol.”
The Capitol building, which was based on
a rejected design by architect James Riely
Gordon for the Mississippi State Capitol in
1898 originally housed the State Legislature
until they built two really ugly buildings
for them in the 1960s flanking the antique
structure.
The planning commission said, “The Capitol
is an old building that we think would make
a great condo project. Residents will have
a fabulous view of the Wesley Bolin Plaza
which will be re-landscaped and turned into
a private putting green. And it’s close to the
Light Rail line. Our
research shows that
Phoenix doesn’t have
nearly enough condos
being built.”
Additionally, twin
towers will be
erected behind the
Capitol, displacing
the Governor’s ugly
office building. “We’d
be happy to sell a
unit to the Governor,
but Homeowner’s
Association CC&Rs
prohibit running a
business out of the home. Sorry, Janet.” The
Governor’s office and State Legislature will be
relocating into the old Farmer John Sausage
Building on 9th Avenue and Jackson Street,
across the street from the St. Vincent De Paul
Society Dining Room.
Condo prices for The Capitol will start at
$899,900 unless you’re a politician and get
constituents to buy you one.
The developer promises, “Republicans and
Democrats, both, are welcome here. We’re not
so sure about any Libertarians, however.”
77

DRUNKS AGAINST MAD
MOTHERS FORMS CHAPTER
ONEONTA, New York - Winos, boozers,
rummies and drunken frat boys who hang
around The Dew Drop Inn on the southeast
corner of Park Avenue and Main Street
were tying one on late one night. Johnny mommies just because their kid played
Quarters and Flip Cup every night at the
Plimpton, 58 and unemployed decided, “Ya
wanna know what makes me mad? Alla
these mad mom’s who get ticked at me jus’
cuz I get a little bit tight once inna while.”
That’s when Drunks Against Mad Mothers,
or D.A.M.M. was formed.
Plimpton and drinking buddies, Shane
O’Malley, Tim Hilton, Bud Carver and Rosie
Blandenberg decided that it was a good
idea, too. They are giving away beer bottle
caps imprinted with “D.A.M.M.” to patrons
of who drink at local bars to the point
of unconsciousness. “We tried
putting them on a string tying
them around people’s necks,
but after a few vodka stingers
it was tough,” said Carver, the
chapter’s vice-president.
Tom Argonbright, pledge master for the
local college fraternity Tappa Kegga Beer
said, “Enough is enough! I’ve lost three
drinking buddies this semester to mad
house instead of doing dumb stuff, like
studying. Now my posse’s hanging around
Starbucks sipping frappaccinos and chain
smoking. That sucks, dude.”
D.A.M.M. founders have been taking cabs
to bars, clubs and frat parties in the area
recruiting members. “Hey,” said O’Malley,
“We’re drunks! But we’re not stupid enough
to drive! Besides, we all lost our licenses
years ago!”
AMERICAN SCHOOL
CHILDREN OUTSOURCE
HOMEWORK TO INDIA
BANGALORE,
Padwam
India - Dothead
introducing this
Homework Services
valuable service. I
administrators
think we also got
announced that
a few magazine
they have partnered
subscriptions, an
with the American
airplane ticket
Educational Council
and a new credit
with a unique
card. I’m not
opportunity for
exactly sure. But
schoolchildren to
it seemed like a
outsource their
good idea at the
homework to a
time.”
resource center in Bangalore, India.
Students have seen their grade point averages
“I hate algebra,” said, BreAnna Penrod, 12, improve an average of 67% in Math and
of Terre Haute, Indiana. “This way I can send Sciences but poor results were reported in
my homework to some really smart
Hindu English and Literature. “I turned in a book
kid in India who actually likes to do math and report for ‘Catcher in the Rye’ I got from
science junk. Now I can kick it with Tiffany, them and got a F-, so that majorly sucked,”
my
total best friend forever, and do really said, Isaac Martinson, 13, of Atlanta,
important stuff on MySpace instead.”
Georgia. “It said all this weird stuff like,
‘The Holden made many big lies all the time
Since the advent of DHS was created in 2005 about crumby fun stuff. Because mainly of
more than 125,000 American schoolchildren the school morons’ so it didn’t make a lot of
have sent in their homework. Benjamin sense. My teacher was super mad.”
Franklin Junior High School principal Vernon
J. Connard said, “We first learned about Students who sign up for the service also
Dothead
Homework Services last year when receive a jar of chutney, an order of samosas
we got a telemarketing call from Pavreesh and tandoori chicken for every five projects.

OUT IN TUCSON
SANTA CLAUS TO SKIP
VENEZUELA THIS CHRISTMAS
CARACAS
which
- President
precludes
Hugo Chavez
any sense of
of Venezuela
hasn’t won
secrecy. Still,
any points
government-
with the Jolly
by-decree,
Old Elf this
nationalized
year. Press
economy and
agents from
out-of-control
the North
Pole report
spending.
that Santa
Snookey,
Claus will not
Chief Elf of
be visiting
Transportation
the crazy
and Navigation for Claus said, “By
dictator’s banana republic on December 25 eliminating Venezuela from our route, we’ll
and will not visit again indefi nitely.
start out in South America in Trinidad and
Tobago, instead. We’ll work our way south
Blinky, Santa’s Chief Elf of Public Relations down the east coast and move north up the
and Chief of Staff reports, “We’re skipping west coast, fi nishing up in Colombia where
Venezuela because President
Chavez is we’ll spend a few extra hours chilling, if you
defi nitely on our ‘Naughty’ list this year. know what I mean.”
He’s a bad egg! No wonder King Juan Carlos
of Spain told him, ‘Shut up!’ Unfortunately, Pazizzle, head of the Committee for
because of him all the little kids in Venezuela Commerce and Gift Disbursement said, “All
won’t get any presents this year because of the extra toys we would’ve given to the little
the Trotskyist dictator.” He added, “And children of Venezuela will be given to the
Cuba better watch it, too. As long as Castro’s children of the United States because they
buddy’s with Hugo they’re under the Big Fat lost so many toys this year because of lead
Guy’s microscope.”
tainted Chinese toys, like Barbie dolls, Aqua
Dots with gamma hydroxy butyrate - the Date
In the past, televangelist Pat Robertson has Rape Drug.”
publicly called for Chavez’ assassination,
Venezuela’s
81

HARRY POTTER’S HOGWARTS
HAVEN FOR HOMOS?
LONDON - England’s Coalition for
Righteous Upstanding Moral Promotion
of Ethical Tasks, known as C.R.U.M.P.E.T.
have accused J.K. Rowling, author of the
wildly successful Harry Potter series as
promoter of homosexual activities in her
books. Rowling recently “outed” the mythical
throughout the literary tomes. Tenpenny
headmaster wizard of Hogwarts Academy,
Albus Dumbledore, as homosexual. Prunella
Tenpennny president of C.R.U.M.P.E.T.
maintains that several other characters
depicted are also gay.
“It’s glaringly obvious that the spinsters
teaching in the Academy are Lesbian,”
she said. “Look at Minerva McGonagall,
the Transfi guration Professor and Deputy
Headmistress: tough as
83
83
nails and without a man. I suspect she had an
affair with Sybill Trelawney, the Divination
Professor who is also single and obviously a
card carrying lesbian.”
The Coalition has combed the books for more
proof of “poofters” they believe run rampant
describes Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior
Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic
and Hogwarts High Inquisitor is “a bull
dagger. It’s obvious. Look at all her cats! And
I believe that Severus Snape, professor of
Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts is
a big queer, too, if you ask me. I think he had
a crush on Dumbledore.”
J.K. Rowling has
not commented
on the ridiculous
allegations.

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Amsterdam 718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown Phoenix (602) 258-6122
Apollo’s 5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix (602) 277-9373
Area Phoenix 2104 N. 23rd Ave. (North of McDowell Rd.) - Phx
BS West 7125 5th Ave. - Scottsdale (480) 945-9028
Bunkhouse 4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 200-9154
Burn Nightclub 122 E. Washington St. - Downtown Phoenix (602) 258-1772
Cash Inn 2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 244-9943
Cell Block 998 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 266-5640
Charlie’s 727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix (602) 265-0224
The Chute Men’s Club 1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 234-1654
Clarendon Hotel + Suites 401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix (602) CLARENDON
Club Vibe 3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 224-9977
Cruisin’ 7th 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix (602) 212-9888
Dick’s Cabaret 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix (602) 274-DICK
e lounge 4343 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 279-0388
Friends 1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729
Homme 138 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix (602) 266-0875
NEW! Ice Pic 3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 267-8707
Incognito 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix (602) 955-9805
Jaded CLOSED
84 85
PHOENIX NIGHTLIFE
Karamba 1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 254-0231
Kobalt 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix (602) 264-5307
Mango’s (Skandalo Nights) NE Corner of 55th Ave. & Camelback Rd. - Glendale (602) 544-6311
Club Miami 716 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix (602) 258-6122
Nu-Towne Saloon 5002 E. Van Buren St. - Phoenix (602) 267-9959
OZ. 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix (602) 242-5114
Paco Paco New location coming soon! Stay tuned... (602) 263-8424
Phoenix Eagle 3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix (602) 493-0355
Plazma 1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix (602) 266-0477
Pumphouse II 4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 275-3509
The Rock 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 248-8559
Roscoe’s 4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix (602) 285-0833
Sky Lounge (Respect is Burning) 132 E.Washington St. - Phoenix (602) 229-1110
Taylor’s Tavern 15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix (602) 867-2463
Velocity (old Harley’s) 2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 956-2885
Wild Card 801 N. Arizona Ave. - Chandler (480) 857-3088
Z Girl Club 4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 265-3233

Happy Hour 4-7pm
Karaoke w/ Ron @ 9pm
2-4-1 from 2pm-8pm
$3 Wells/ $2 Dom.
$2 Pitchers 2-7pm
$2 Domestic Pitchers
Afterhrs.-Dance ‘til 4am
Prizes and giveaways
2-4-1 well/dom. 8-10pm
1/2 price happy hour 4-8
Karamba Dancers
Happy Hour: 4-7 pm
$3 Corona / $4 wells
Karaoke @ 9:30
Happy hr: $2 Dom/Well
@ Mango’s - $1 Tequilla
Karaoke 9:30pm
Latin OR Hip Hop Music
DJ Jeff @ 9pm
86
86
Happy Hour 4-7pm
Karaoke w/ Ron @ 9pm
2-4-1 from 9pm-12am
2-4-1 Wells 8-10:30pm
.75 Happy Hr. 7-9pm
50c. Pitchers $2 Wells
Afterhrs.-Dance ‘til 4am
Prizes and giveaways
2-4-1 well/dom. 8-10pm
1/2 price happy hour 4-8
No cover before 10pm
Happy Hour: Noon-7pm
Free darts 2-6pm
Lunch from 11a-4p
Diamond Dolls 9:30pm
$4 Vod/RedBull 8-11pm
Jazz @6pm DJJeff @9pm
Karaoke @ 9pm w/ Tim
Male Strippers 10pm
Karaoke / $3 DnkyPunch
$1 Mimosas
$2 Long Islands
$2 Coronas + Pitchers
CLOSED
Service Industry 1/2 off
CLOSED
1/2 price happy hour 4-8
$3 Pitchers w/Diamond
$1.50 D.Beer w/ Jersey
Free darts - Karaoke @ 8
$8 Long Island pitchers
Beer Bust
$2 Pitchers ‘til 10pm
Beer/ Bingo/ Karaoke
$5 Martinis & Manicures
$1 Dom. Draft Beer
$2 Domestic Beer
2-4-1 All Night
1/2 off - w/only Undies
CLOSED
Open 10pm- 2am
2-4-1 Dances
CLOSED
1/2 price happy hour 4-8
CLOSED
Happy Hour: 4-7-pm
2-4-1 7pm-close
NEW! 2-4-1 Mondays
Cheap Ass Drink Night
Poker Night w/Prizes
Karaoke @ 9pm
Happy Hour 4-7pm
$2.25 Dom/Well All Day
$5 Grey Goose
CLOSED
$2 Specials / 2-Steppin’
CLOSED
CLOSED
$5OFF w/ ION Keychain
CLOSED
1/2 price happy hour 4-8
CLOSED
Karaoke w/ Gary
Dart tournament
2-4-1 all day (Hotspot)
Karaoke 10pm
1/2 Off Drinks Free Pool
Retro 80’s Nite
Happy Hour 4-7pm
Get Funked $5 ’tinis
2-4-1 (Hotspot)
$5 L.I.s/ $3CuervoShots
$2.50 L.Islnds @ 7pm
CLOSED
CLOSED
Myspace Wednesdays
CLOSED
1/2 price happy hour 4-8
$3 Pitchers w/Diamond
2-4-1 All Drinks
$3 Corona / $4 wells
2-4-1 well & domestic
Industry Night
Wild Card Review 9:30
Rotating Shot Specials
Underwear Party
87 87
Divas @ 9:30 / No Cover
Karaoke w/ Ron @ 9pm
Karaoke @ 9pm
$4 Wells
$2 Ptchrs/ 2-4-1 @ 7pm
2-4-1 Beer +Drag Show
CLOSED
$5OFF w/ ION Keychain
$2 domestic pitchers
1/2 price happy hour 4-8
$3 Pitchers w/Susana
Trivia Contest @ 8pm
Drag & stripper show
College Night: $1 Dom/
Well
Drag Bingo 8:30pm
Drag@ 9pm Shot Spcls.
Free pool/ Myspace Nite

BARS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE
COMMUNITY SERVICES
TUCSON NIGHTLIFE
1 Ain’t Nobody’s Biz 2900 E. Broadway (520) 318-4838
2 IBT’s 616 N. 4th Ave. (520) 882-3053
3 Venture-N 1239 N. 6th Ave. (520) 882-8224
4 Rainbow Planet Coffee House 606 N. 4th Ave. (520) 620-1770
5 Woody’s 3710 N. Oracle Rd. (520) 292-6702
6 Howl at the Moon 915 W. Prince Rd. (520) 293-7339
7 Yard Dog 2449 N. Stone (520) 624-3858
8 Colors 5305 E. Speedway (520) 323-1840
9 Hydra Leather 145 E. Congress St. (520) 791-3711
A Metropolitan Community Church 3269 N. Mountain (520) 292-9151
B Cornerstone Fellowship 2902 N. Geronimo (520) 622-4626
D Wingspan 300 E. 6th St. (520) 624-1779
E S.A.A.F. 375 S. Euclid Ave. (520) 628-7223
F Royal Elizabeth Bed and Breakfast 204 S. Scott Ave. (520) 670-9022
G TIHAN (Tuscon Interfaith HIV/AIDS Network) 492 N. Alvernon (520) 299-6647
H EON Gay Youth Center (520) 620-6245
89

90
Aries March 21-April 19
Dear diary, this month writing in a
journal will help to snap you out of
your lethargic slump. Grab a pen, curl
up with your favorite pillow and start
dishing diva! Just make sure nobody
ever fi nds your “burn book”.
Taurus April 20-May 20
Apologize. Admit it, sometimes you
can be a real asshole. Be the better
person and just say sorry already.
This will be your fi rst step to forgiving
yourself for being a jerk.
Gemini May 21-June 21
In preparation for the New Year make
realistic resolutions. Leave world
peace and the ozone layer up to the
pageant queens. Do your part to
contribute princess, but don’t make
promises that you can’t keep.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Post pone long term decisions.
Don’t be harassed into choosing
when you’re just not ready yet. Feel
empowered to put people on hold
and defi nitely hang up on annoying
telemarketers.
Leo July 23-August 22
If you don’t have something nice to
say, say it anyways. Every now and
again it’s fun to be a cold hearted
bitch. You’ll make up for it later when
you return to your more censored self.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Remember that you are your own reality
show. Everyone else is part of the
supporting cast, but you my dear are
the star. Stay interesting for ratings
and don’t forget to milk the endorsement
deals along the way.
Libra September 23-October 22
Play hard to get. And then play harder
to get. Keep repeating this cycle until
you can’t stand it anymore. Then
suddenly strip off your clothes and get
ready to have the best sex of your life.
Scorpio October 23-November 21
Clean house before the holidays. Pay
attention to the minor details that you
may have swept under the rug last
month. Next, bake something. After
all this, you can stop pretending & go
back to the bar.
Sagittarius November 22 December 21
You are a perfectionist, but when it
comes to relationships get over it already!
Stop searching for the perfect
mate & start focusing on making it
perfect with the one you truly love.
Otherwise, have fun with your cats.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
Make an impulsive purchase! Retail
therapy can work wonders this month,
but be careful not to make it a habit
or you may wind up drowning in debt.
And when all else fails charge it or
fi nd a sugar daddy!
Aquarius January 20-February 18
Do something crazy... like changing
your dog’s name. It makes no sense
and the world will think you’re off your
rocker, but it will be a great conversation
piece.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Living life can’t be learned from a
book so stop being so damn studious.
Break away from your same ol’ routine.
Let your hair down and channel
your naughty librarian. But keep the
glasses...those are hot.
91

DOWNTOWN PHOENIX
92

It’s Christmas at the WonderVu Trailer
Court. There’s something about seeing
the tinsel hanging from a doublewide
and hearing carols sung by our
neighbors, the residents at the Happy
Hunting Grounds Rest Home after they
get their medication that warms the
space where my heart should be. And to
Mrs. Harriet Applebaum from Freehold,
New Jersey, our newest resident who
is Jewish, Happy Hanukkah! Mrs.
Applebaum will be playing the nosey,
Jewish next door neighbor at the
Manger Scene this year at our Living
Nativity in front of the Trailer Court,
located by the mailboxes. Thank you for
your participation, Mrs. Applebaum!
Who doesn’t love a good catfi ght?
We’re dying to know who the boyfriends
were that got into fi sticuffs on I-17 near
Peoria and Dunlap on November 14.
That’s right. On the freeway. The lovers’
spat was broadcast all over the news,
including CNN and even hit the airwaves
in Australia. Seems the duo started
all the scratching, spitting and hair
pulling in glamorous Metrocenter Mall
(probably near Fashion Bug, I imagine)
95
by Addison DeWitt
and carried it all the way out to the
middle of the Black Canyon Freeway
where they were arrested. It was way
better than Krystal and Alexis fi ghting
on Dynasty! Now, through the miracle
of modern technology, you can watch
their brawl on YouTube, natch. Search
“Fighting on Freeway in Traffi c.” Never
a dull moment here, folks.
I motored over to the playground of the
stars: Palm Springs for the last Pride
of 2008. I spotted the always fabulous
Steve “Buster” Critcher and Jim
Craven at the Festival. I saw soopersnooty
realtor John Hull out painting
the town. I certainly won’t be buying my
next trailer from you!
About 200 toy soldiers were lucky
enough to get drafted to the legendary
Military Engagement & Active Training,
known as the “M.E.A.T. Party.” Curtis
Steinhoff, Paul Rottas and Kyle
Powers played “Rear” Admirals and
“Drill” Sergeants for a giddy gaggle of
gay grunts who were all asking and
telling. The super-exclusive guest
list included the handsome, deep

pocketed philanthropists Bill Lewis and
Rick Underwood. And don’t get mad! Get
GLAAD! Hizzonah Neil Giuliano paused
from the gallant fi ght against GLBT antidefamation
from the left and right coasts
when he was mustered home for the party,
attending with one of his little minions
nipping at his heels.
I caught Marco Balzano in the crosshairs,
whom I still recall once described me as
“a social wasp.” Dearie, I’ll never forget
that, you know. Never. That heavenly body,
gorgeous Charlie’s own Jeff Valenzuela
gave me a hug that crushed just about
every bone in my thorax and snapped
what’s left of my spine. It was so worth it.
In the sea of camoufl age haberdashery
I spotted BURN nightclub’s delish Nick
Dukrow and the darling Noah Williams,
producer/promoter of the TRADE events
at BURN.
“All hands on dick! I mean - deck!”
Recruits included hottie Shawn Patrick
Slattery who I hear totes a mighty big
Mauser rifl e. Beautiful Brandon Coyne
hobnobbed with movie star handsome G.I.
Steven Griswold. And speaking of movie
stars, I salivated over the hairy chests of
my favorite blue movie stud Eric Evans
- Mark Chatow in real life - and his hunky
hubby Jim Patches.
Who wouldn’t mind a little KP peeling
potatoes with David Kitchen or a sheet
skirmish with Hassan Maki? I’m ballistic
for Travis Berg, and had to call mayday
for Lawrence Moore when I saw gun
bunny Gilbert Gamboa. Apparently I hit
a SNAFU with a seemingly surly Steven
McGee but Scud Stud KSAZ-TV 10 Talking
Head Marc Martinez provided coverage
for the decisive engagement.
Most importantly I learned that “Head”
is military code talk for “toilet.” Did you
know that? I found out the hard way after
I stood in the party’s Port-A-Potty alone
with my pants around my ankles for over
30 minutes waiting for some, until Steinhoff
yelled at me, “It’s just a fi gure of speech,
you moron!” Well, goooll-eee, call me
“Gomer,” Sgt. Carter! I guess I’m 4-F by
military standards.
96
Alas, poor Jaded faded, closing its doors
just before a thankless Thanksgiving,
but we wish them well in their future
endeavors. What will become of the
historically doomed White Elephant next?
I hear one off-the-beaten-path club that
defi nes its name by speed and direction
is running out of steam and may be
closing its seldom used doors soon, small
wonder. But I can tell you that any rumors
you might have heard that Amsterdam is
on the auction block or purchased by ASU
Downtown are patently false. My dear
friend, the bedroom-eyed Todd Colin
personally assured me - and I quote -
“Amsterdam is not for sale and was not
bought by ASU Downtown. Those rumors
are patently false.” Unquote. So shut up
with your gossip mongering, you. That’s
my territory. Go to Amsterdam and eat
and drink and dance and carry on.
But it’s no rumor that former Hamburger
Mary Jim Vigil is opening a restaurant
called “Humble Pie” in fancy-schmancy
Scottdale’s Hilton Village this month.
Jim’s preparing a menu with lots of stickto-your-ribs
comfort food fi xed only the
way he can do it. I can’t wait for my dinner
invitation, dear. Hint, hint.
Handsome, white-hot hotelier Ben
Bethel recently inaugurated the newly
renovated pool at The Clarendon
revealing hundreds of gently twinkling
lights on the pool’s fl oor, state-of-the-art
dancing waters, a wall of cascading water
and mosaic featuring gold and platinum
tiles. Gracious guests were treated to
hors d’oeuvres from the hotel’s kicky
restaurant C4 and libations. Wait ‘til you
see what’s in store for The Clarendon
rooftop garden!
Yo, ho’s! The mistletoe! Well hung where
you can see! Somebody waits for you
- kiss him once for me! Unless he has a
cold sore.
You can kiss Addison under the mistletoe
anytime, or stuff his stocking - if you know
what I mean. Send Addison his holiday
treats in care of this magazine or e-mail
him at RumorHound@aol.com
97