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6 

ADULT 

DICK’S CABARET $5 OFF admission (everyday) 

Happy 

New Year 

Penguins! 

Out with the old, and in with the new! It’s 

2008! That means it’s time to make a few 

Resolutions - like get out of the house and 

enjoy yourself! There’s plenty to choose from! 

“I’m an old cowhand, from the Rio Grande. 

But my legs ain’t bowed and my cheeks 

ain’t tanned.” But that won’t stop me from 

riding my cayuse to the AGRA Road Runner 

Regional Rodeo! Those folks happily 

extend a hearty invitation to everyone in our 

community. Show your support, promenade 

home and I’ll see you at Rawhide! Check out 

our photos and schedule of events inside. 

Giddyup! 

For you penguins that like to save money, 

now is a great time to buy our ION VIP 

Keyrings! They’re on sale now for only $10 

and the savings are great! Pick ‘em up at the 

Rodeo, Unique on Central, Movies on Central 

and Root Seller Gallery! Supplies are limited. 

I’m excited because we’re getting ready for 

another “Sexiest Bartender Contest” . We 

co-sponsor the contest with Apollo’s Lounge 

next month on February 10th! Who’s a Vixen 

with Vodka? A Stud with the Suds? A Tart 

with Tequila? Come fi nd out! 

Say “Howdy” to our Party Penguin of the 

Month is Brian Helander! Raised in the wild 

and woolly borough of Manhattan, Brian 

has worked tirelessly for the Phoenix 

GLBT Community as Executive 

Director of Body Positive and 

now he’s the President 

of IGRA and he’s a top 

competitor! We’re awful 

proud of you, cowboy! 

7 

So saddle up, buckaroos! And 

let’s Rodeo! 

Love, 

ION 

The Party Penguin

10 

ION ARIZONA CENTER 

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TO GROW YOUR BUSINESS, 

CALL (602) 308-4662. 

Published monthly by 

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© 2007 Tesorero Omni Media a JMT Designs, Inc. company 

PUBLISHER 

Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jackt@ionaz.com 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED PRINTED IN THE USA 

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine 

remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, 

altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited 

usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. 

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily 

refl ect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent 

company. 

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization 

within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication 

of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To 

our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION 

Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted 

by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and 

they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see 

a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will 

remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, 

and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding 

that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper 

written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials 

of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for 

unlawful use of such content.

12 

For more pictures, go to www.IONAZ.com 

13 

GRAND OPENING

JAN 

Barrett-Jackson Antique Auto Auction 

On January 12-20, all the hoity-toity people, including the fi lthy, 

stinking rich and super-famous - like Jerry Seinfeld - fl ock to the 

Barrett-Jackson Antique Auto Auction at WestWorld in extrafancy 

North Scottsdale to buy a collectible jalopy - like Hitler’s 

limousine. It’s billed as the world’s most valuable classic car 

auction. Tix are from $20-$47 with twilight tix from $10-30 later 

at night. Motor to 16601 N. Pima Rd. for call 480-421-6694. 

P.F. Chang’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Arizona Marathon 

This is the largest combined running event in the U.S.A. 

and a qualifi er for the Boston Marathon. It starts in 

Phoenix, continues through Scottsdale and fi nishes 

in Tempe. There’s live music every mile with bands, 

entertainment, expos and more. There’s more than 

10,000 hot runners in skimpy shorts! Need we say 

more? Visit rnraz.com for maps & info. 

FEB 

Rock of E 

We built this city on Rock & Roll. If you love rock, join in the hurleyburley 

with the girlies at E Lounge on Saturday, January 12 for a 

night of rock hard music and fun! Enter to win an electric guitar 

and a $50 gift certifi cate from Guitar Center. Plus, we’ve got drink 

specials and the night is hosted by VH1’s Rock of Love winner, 

JES! Doors open at 7 p.m. and the party starts at 9 p.m. so come 

early, gals! Rock over to 4343 N. 7th St. or call 602-279-0388 

AGRA Road Runner Regional Rodeo 

Skip to my lou, my darlin’! Join more than 1,200 gorgeous guys 

‘n’ gals a day for the 23rd Anniversary Road Runner Regional 

Rodeo! It’s more than cowboys and cactus - you’ll have as much 

fun as you can with your spurs on! It all happens the weekend 

of January 19th & 20th at Rawhide at Wild Horse Pass, just off 

of I-10, so giddyup! Visit www.agra-phx.com for more details, 

pilgrim. Boy, howdy! 

FBR Open 

Stroke Play, Rough, Finishing Hole, and Ball Washer. No, those 

aren’t titles of Chi Chi LaRue’s movies. They’re golf terms. So 

get off your duffer and join a bunch of drunken Trust Fund Babies 

party at The Bird’s Nest i at the TPC in snooty Scottsdale from 

January 28-February 3, 2008. Go to www.phoenixopen.com for 

info. We can’t wait to see the 4-Man Cha Cha Cha. Sounds hot! 

Mardi Gras at Amsterdam 

Laissez les bon temps roulez! Where y’at? Better be 

Amsterdam on Tuesday, February 5th to celebrate 

Fat Tuesday! Gimme somethin’, mister! Throw beads 

- or catch ‘em - from the balcony of the Malibu Beach 

Club! You’ll fi nd a little corner of the French Quarter at 

716-718 N. Central Ave. Phone: 602-258-6122 

Sexiest Bartender of the Year 

See a spate of sexy studs strut their stuff! Your favorite 

bartenders from gay bars around the Valley will be competing 

for the coveted, time honored title of “Sexiest Bartender.” 

Gorgeous Ginslingers will be raising money for charity, so open 

up your wallet! Apollo’s Lounge will be hosting the event on 

February 10. Interested bartenders call Lee at 602-277-9373 

ION SPECIAL EVENTS CALENDAR 

DATE EVENT LOCATION CITY 

1/2 Tostito’s Fiesta Bowl University of Phoenix Stad. Glendale 

1/5-6 Arizona Bridal Show Arizona Convention Center Phoenix 

1/8 Studio 54 Amsterdam Phoenix 

1/11-13 Maricopa County Home & Garden Arizona State Fairgrounds Phoenix 

1/12 Rock of E Lounge E Lounge Phoenix 

1/12-20 Barret-Jackson Antique Auto Action WestWorld Scottsdale 

1/13 P.F. Chang’s Marathon Downtown Phoenix Phoenix 

1/16 Belanova CD Release Party Karamba Phoenix 

1/18 VIP Party Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix 

1/19-20 AGRA Regional Rodeo Rawhide - Wild Horse Pass Phoenix 

1/19-20 Antique Market Arizona State Fairgrounds Phoenix 

1/19-21 After Rodeo Celebrations Charlies Phoenix 

1/28-2/3 FBR Open TPC Scottsdale 

2/1 Super Bowl Extravaganza Karamba Phoenix 

2/1-2 Super Bowl Weekend Party Forbidden Scottsdale 

2/3 SUPER BOWL XLII University of Phoenix Stad. Glendale 

2/3 Super Bowl Party Kobalt Phoenix 

2/3 Super Bowl Blowout Party Roscoe’s Phoenix 

2/5 Mardi Gras Party Amsterdam Phoenix 

2/7-10 4th Annual Bar w/ Benefi ts Apollo’s Phoenix 

2/10 Sexiest Bartendar of the Year Apollo’s Phoenix 

14 15

20 

Monterey Jazz Festival 

Synonymous with world-class performances since its debut in 

1958, the Monterey Jazz Festival celebrates its 50th anniversary 

on the road with musical heavyweights and rising stars, including 

pianist Benny Green, saxaphonist James Moody and six-time 

Grammy-nominee, Nnenna Freelon. At the Chandler Center for 

the Arts, January 25, 2008. Call (480) 782-2680. 

DATE EVENT/ARTIST LOCATION 

January 

4 Branford Marsalis Scottsdale Center for the Arts 

4-6 Marvin Hamlisch Phoenix Symphony, Phoenix 

06 Hance Park Hootennny Margaret T. Hance Park, Phoenix 

11-12 Kottonmouth Kings Marquee Theatre, Tempe 

12 Wayman Tisdale & Euge Groove Celebrity Theatre, Phoenix 

13 Blue Man Group US Airways Center, Phoenix 

18 Ryan Adams Rialto Theatre, Tucson 

19 Greyhound Soul Berky’s, Tucson 

19 Dionne Warwick Chandler Center for the Arts, Chandler 

25 Monterey Jazz Festival Chandler Center for the Arts, Chandler 

25 Howard Jones Rialto Theatre, Tucson 

28 Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash Rhythm Room, Phoenix 

29 Leon Russell Rhythm Room, Phoenix 

31 Maroon 5, Mary J. Blige Jobing.com Arena, Glendale 

February 

Mary J. Blige 

Super Bowl XLII is coming to Phoenix again, and to 

celebrate the NFL Pepsi Smash Super Bowl Concert 

Series presents Mary J. Blige Maroon 5 and Mexican 

pop sensation RBD, along with celebrity hosts and guest 

appearances by the NFL’s biggest names, recorded live 

for a VH1 special. At the Jobing.com Arena, January 31 & 

February 1, 2008. Call (623) 772-3800. 

JANUARY 2008 ION CONCERT CALENDAR 

01 The Bravery The Clubhouse, Phoenix 

02 REO Speedwagon Galleria Corporate Centre, Scottsdale 

02 Wyclef Jean Marquee Theatre, Tempe 

04 Wynton Marsalis Mesa Arts Center, Mesa 

21

y Dave Jackson 

djackson@virginmega.com 

Yo, DJ! What’s New? 

Happy New Year! Last month I gave you 

my top 10 albums for 2007. In tradition, I 

now give you my top 10 singles. 

#1 – Pink’s “Who Knew,” 

#2 – Aguilera’s “Candyman,” 

#3 – Tunstall’s “Hold On” 

#4 – Shakira’s remix of “Beautiful Liar” 

#5 – Maroon 5’s “Makes Me Wonder” 

#6 – Winehouse’s “Rehab” 

#7 – White’s “Best Days” 

#8 – Timberlake’s “Lovestoned” 

#9 – In-fl ight Safety’s “Surround” 

#10 – Blunt’s “1973” 

As for albums, not much is out there, so 

check these out! 

Sarah Brightman 

Symphony 

With Harem selling 

a third of La Luna, 

Sarah goes back 

to the formula 

that brought her 

success. Gone are 

the middle-eastern 

rhythms and 

present are the classical pop crossover 

tracks. Assured to put you asleep in a 

good way, look for lead single “I Will Be 

with You,” a duet with Paul Stanle, to 

be her most commercial effort yet. In 

addition, look for 3 other collaborations 

with Bocelli, Lima and the incredible 

Alessandro Saffi na. Though not as 

classically orientated as in times past, it’s 

great to hear Brightman’s voice again. 

Mary J Blige 

Growing Pains Stiff competition 

from Alicia Keyes 

gives Blige a 

fi ght as the R&B 

songstress with 

her 8th studio 

album. Where 

23 

Breakthrough was more soulful, Growing 

Pains offers a bit more grit as heard in 

“Work That,” the Busta track and “Grown 

Woman,” a duet with Ludacris. Though 

the project doesn’t compare to her early 

assertive days, this album continues to 

be personal and lyrically confessional 

as present on “Roses” and “Work in 

Progress.” Perhaps not her best, but it’s 

still a solid effort from the artist that has 

proven herself a veteran. 

Natasha Bedingfi eld 

Full of Sunshine 

With her sophomore overseas N.B. 

getting mediocre reviews, Natasha 

reworks her album, adds new 

collaborations and gives new life to 

an album that was assured to be 

dead stateside. The newly added 

collaboration with Sean Kingston, “Love 

Like This” is on target with today’s trend 

in music while the track “What If’s” with 

Eve further strengthens the R&B vibe. 

Import buyers beware however; look for 

a handful of original tracks to reappear 

such as “Soulmate” and “Say it Again,” 

the duet with Maroon 5’s Levine. 

Looking ahead, 2008 is shaping up 

to be a great year in music. Though 

many, such as U2, Green Day and 

Eminem will wait until fourth quarter to 

release new albums, the fi rst quarter 

is shaping up to be divalicious. First is 

the premiere album for Janet Jackson 

on her new label, Def Jam followed up 

by Mariah Carey’s Sweet Soul Odyssey 

in late February. Throw in a new Dido 

disc, the supposed comeback album 

from Whitney Houston and of course 

Madonna’s hugely anticipated album, 

Give It to Me in April and we’ve got front 

row seats for a brawl. As always stay 

tuned to IONAZ for further details!

26 

Around the World in a Bad Mood 

Real-life fl ight attendant Rene Foss pilots audiences through the bizarre world of 

air travel in her hilarious one-woman show, Around The World In A Bad Mood: 

Confessions Of A Flight Attendant, where she dishes about everything from the 

absurd demands of passengers to the secret language of the air. At the Mesa Arts 

Center, January 10 – 20, 2008. Call (480) 644-6500. 

Hairspary 

You’ve seen the movies, now see the musical, when Hairspray takes you back to 

1962 Baltimore, as 16-year-old Tracy Turnblad dances her way onto TV’s most 

popular show and proves that a big girl with big dreams, and even bigger hair, can 

change the world. Presented by Theater League at Orpheum Theatre, January 15- 

20, 2008. Call (602) 534-5600. 

JANUARY 2007 ION THEATRE & STANDUP CALENDAR 

DATE EVENT/ARTIST LOCATION PHONE 

Thru 1/20 The Pajama Game Arizona Theatre Company (520) 622-2823 

1/3-6 Tim Hawkins Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877 

1/5-20 Halpern And Johnson AZ Jewish Theatre Company (602) 264-0402 

1/9-27 Almost, Maine Phoenix Theatre (602) 254-2151 

1/10-20 Around Wrld in a Bad Mood Mesa Arts Center (480) 644-6500 

1/10-26 Macbeth Southwest Shakespeare Co. (480) 644-6500 

1/10-27 Titanic Artists’ Theatre Project (602) 614-4154 

1/11-27 Life As Joby Theater Works (623) 815-7930 

1/11-02/03 Little Shop Of Horrors Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre (480) 483-1664 

1/11-27 The Busy World Is Hushed Actors Theatre (602) 252-8497 

1/11-26 Importance Of Being Earnest Theater Works (623) 815-7930 

1/12-02/02 Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde Arizona Theatre Company (520) 622-2823 

1/15-24 An Evening With H. Tubman Herberger Theater Center (602) 252-8497 

1/15-20 Camelot ASU Gammage (480) 965-3434 

1/15-20 Hairspray Theater League (602) 534-5600 

1/17-20 Russell Peters Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877 

1/18 C. Mochrie & B. Sherwood Celebrity Theatre 

1/20 Lilia Desert Foothills Theater (480) 488-1981 

1/24-27 Kevin Nealon Tempe Improv (480) 921-9877 

1/25-3/29 Gilligan’s Island: The Musical Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre (480) 483-1664 

1/26 The Daily Show’s Rob Riggle Scotts. Center For The Arts (480) 994-2787 

1/31-2/17 I Love You, You’re Perfect Desert Foothills Theater (480) 488-1981 

27

There Will Be Blood 

Starring: Daniel Day- 

Lewis, Paul Dano 

Directed by: 

Paul Thomas 

Anderson 

At fi rst glance, 

There Will Be Blood, 

appears to be a 

retelling of the ofttold 

story of a greedy businessman 

trying to swindle God-fearing plainfolks, 

but director, Paul Thomas Anderson 

(Boogie Nights), only uses this basic 

foundation to build a strong morality play 

in which there are no clear-cut saints nor 

sinners. Instead, we see deeply fl awed 

people who will risk losing everything in 

order to gain what they covet the most. 

Loosely based on Upton Sinclair’s 

sensationalistic 1927 novel, Oil!, There 

Will Be Blood focuses on silver miner, 

Daniel Plainview (Day-Lewis, Gangs of 

New York), who strikes it rich and makes 

a name for himself when he happens 

upon oil. Corrupted by greed, Plainview 

is without a match until he comes up 

against Eli Sunday (Dano, Little Miss 

Sunshine), a small-town man of God, 

whose oil-laden property becomes a 

source of interest to Plainview. Pitting 

the obvious sin of oil greed against the 

less conspicuous sin of religious pride, 

Anderson, paints these men in such a 

fashion that their frailties become their 

damnation. Release Date: 12/26/07. 

The Business of Being Born 

Directed by: Abby Epstein 

Although America is considered to have 

one of the most advanced healthcare 

systems in the world, it has the second 

highest infant mortality rate. In this 

documentary, director Abby Epstein, 

explores the history of childbirth, 

comparing the old-world practice of using 

midwives to the use of obstetricians by 

Western civilization, and questions if our 

current practices aren’t doing more harm 

29 

by Kimberly M. Ruff 

than good. 

Produced 

and starring 

Ricki Lake, 

The Business 

of Being 

Born, is a 

sensitive look 

at the spiritual journey embarked on by 

mother and child and a juxtaposition of 

this critical moment in the history of a 

life against the world of modern medical 

care. Release Date: 01/09/08. 

Fanboys 

Starring: Sam Huntington, Christ 

Marquette, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel, 

Kristen Bell 

Directed by: 

Kyle Newman 

The year is 

1999 and the 

release of the 

long-awaited 

Star Wars: Episode I is still months 

away, but for fi ve friends whose lives 

revolve around the franchise, it seems 

like a lifetime. 

When they discover that one of their 

childhood posse suffers from a terminal 

illness, they get the moral imperative 

to justify doing what they’ve always 

wanted to do: break into George Lucas’ 

Skywalker Ranch and steal a copy of 

the fi lm. 

Directed by Kyle Newman (Drone), 

Fanboys may come off a little cheesy 

and silly, as nothing is really more 

cheesy and silly that a bunch of sci-fi 

geeks going nuts over their beloved 

sci-fi , especially when it involves a showdown 

á la Spock v. Kirk (you know the 

episode!) against a gaggle of Trekkies, 

but the fi lm is less about the geekygoodness 

this story can offer and more 

about the emotional journey played out 

in the form of a road trip by this group 

of deeply loyal, passionate friends. Of 

course, if you’re into Star Wars, it’s even 

better. Release Date: 01/18/08.

ionmovies 

JANUARY 2008 MOVIE OPENINGS 

TITLE GENRE RATING 

11 First Sunday Comedy/ Crime PG-13 

11 In the Name of the King Action/ Adventure/ Fantasy PG-13 

11 27 Dresses Comedy/ Romance PG-13 

11 The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything Animation/ Family G 

18 Cloverfield Action/ Sci-Fi/ Thriller PG-13 

18 Mad Money Comedy/ Crime/ Thriller PG-13 

18 City of Men Foreign/ Drama R 

18 Teeth Comedy/ Horror R 

18 Cassandra’s Dream Crime/ Drama PG-13 

25 Untraceable Horror/ Thriller R 

25 Be Kind Rewind Comedy PG-13 

25 Rambo Action/ Adventure R 

25 How She Move Drama PG-13 

25 The Air I Breathe Crime/ Drama/ Romance R 

30

Have I told you all lately how much 

I love my job? Especially since I get 

to watch some of the most eclectic, 

bizarre movies the GLBT community 

has to offer. Some are glorious works 

of art that fi ll me an irrepresible joy for 

cinema and others are far cries from 

anything remotely arty and fi ll me with 

irrepressible laughter. 

This month I offer you nothing in the 

way of Citizen Kane, but both are 

good for a laugh. One will make you 

laugh because that’s what they were 

aiming for. The other will make you 

laugh because they so sadly missed 

the mark. 

Rick & Steve 

They’re here, 

they’re queer, 

they’re…Legos? 

Yes, that’s right, 

folks! For those of 

us who made our 

little lego pirates 

do naughty things 

when we were little, 

Rick & Steve offers us a chance to 

see what full articulated, stop-motion 

activated, little lego gays and lesbians 

can do when left to their own devices. 

Based around (surprise, surprise!) Rick 

and Steve, the “happinest gay couple 

in all the world”, Rick & Steve is a bitesize 

show featuring the voices of Alan 

Cumming, Peter Paige, Wilson Cruz, 

and Margaret Cho. With music by the 

creators of Avenue Q, the real-world 

response to the fantasy-world Sesame 

Street, it can’t be beat. 

The show takes all the stereotypes 

that make us groan and allows us to 

laugh at them. If you fancy yourself a 

serious-minded sort, you might not like 

it, but otherwise, it’s a real treat. 

by Wes Bergman 

wesobergman@yahoo.com 

Dante’s Cove 

Apparently the fi lm 

folks over at Here! 

Films did not read 

my review of their 

Dante’s Cove spinoff, 

The Lair, and 

decided to send 

me their Guilty 

Pleasure Collection, complete with The 

Lost Pilot Episode (ooh – tantalizing!), 

Season 1 and Season 2, to review. 

Having watched an episode or two 

or fi ve, I am compelled by a force far 

greater than myself to ask, “why do 

you hate me?” I don’t have the foggiest 

clue how these shows get greenlit 

except, perhaps, because someone 

who is both gay and very into vampire 

lore, has a lot of money to throw 

around. 

Anyway, the show is about a small, 

predominately gay town, where it’s a 

hotbed of sin and sexual activity, all 

with a supernatural twist. It’s like Buffy 

the Vampire Slayer with lots of D & A. 

LOTS. Like all over the place. In the 

kitchen. In the shower. In the hallway 

closet. Out of the closet. In fact, you 

could make a drinking game where 

every time you saw D & A, you take a 

shot. You would be completely trashed 

by the 15 minute mark. Might I suggest 

a “blow job”? And something tells me 

that after Dante’s Cove, that is the only 

kind of job these appalling bad (albeit 

well-hung) actors are going to get. 

Is it obvious, I’m single? I had a 

boyfriend, but my cynicism, which 

originally inspired him when it was 

about everything else, ended up driving 

him away when it became about him. 

This year I’m determined to relegate 

my snarkiness to my column only and 

keep it away from any other columns 

(wink wink), I come across. Best 

wishes for your New Year! 

33

Photo by 

Janais Vu 

by DJ Christoff 

interview with weblebrity 

GEOFFREY PARIS 

Tucson Music Artist and 

Fabulosity Opens Up to ION 

WARNING: PREPARE FOR 

YOUR BRAIN TO GO INTO 

CATACLYSMIC MALFUNC- 

TION AFTER READING THIS. 

2007, what a crazy year it’s been for pop 

culture. Britney’s up and down custody battle, 

Lindsey in and out of rehab, Justin Timberlake 

still in the closet, what could possibly happen 

next? Watch out 2008 because here comes 

Geoffrey Paris and his “Clique of giant trannies, 

drunk lesbians, fi erce faggots and over 

inspired “Scene Kids.” 

Wipe away your tears for Miss Spears. We 

have a new reason to get your hearts racing. 

Making a big splash in the queer community is 

a young androgynous self promoting superstar 

with his “like” friends by his side. More and 

more in the recent years, young members of 

the queer community are realizing they have a 

voice, and some of them have a lot to say. 

A powertroup of cosmetic artists, models, 

musicians and entertainers calling themselves, 

“The Clique” are standing up and shouting 

out what it means to be young and queer in 

the twenty-fi rst century. Geoffrey Paris met 

DJ Christoff and Boysean in high school in 

Tucson, Arizona before growing into young 

adults together. Attracted to each other by 

similar vision and ambition, and fueled by each 

young mans individual talents, they formed 

what would grow to be an internet sensation. 

They are outlandish, outspoken and yet down 

to earth icons. The ringleader here is defi nitely 

Geoffrey Paris. 

DJ Christoff - You have a crazy look and 

notorious reputation to match. What sort of 

message are you trying to get across to queer 

youth with these unique tools? 

35 

Geoffrey Paris - Too many people care about 

what people think of them. Obviously there 

are some situations where you should care 

about what the next person thinks, but when 

it comes to who you are as a Person, it’s not 

about them, it’s about you. I like makeup, so I 

wear it. I like music, so I make it. I like dick, so 

I suck it. There’s not a one thing anyone can 

do about it. 

DJC - When did you fi rst realize that you were 

gay? 

GP - When I was nine years-old and I realized 

what the word meant. I was a nasty little kid. I 

wanted dick like I wanted long hair and to play 

with Barbies - which was quite a bit. 

DJC - When did you lose your virginity?

interview with GEOFFREY PARIS 

GP - Not that it’s any of your business, but I 

actually started messing around with friends 

when I was only five years-old. My friend 

Jonathan, who was the same age, must have 

been molested or something. I mean come on. 

What five year-old knows how to suck cock 

and rim? Well, that’s what he introduced to me 

and I kind of liked it. And just think, all this time 

I could have been a straight, football 

playing, breeder! Damn 

you, Jonathan! 

DJC - What 

do your parents 

think about you? 

GP - My parents 

are dead (don’t 

ask.) But if they 

were alive I am 

sure they would 

have a priest performing 

exorcisms at 

my apartment hourly. 

DJC - Your myspace. 

com page has millions 

of hits and your music 

is among the top played 

lists on the internet. 

Does it make you proud 

to see your hard work 

paying off? 

GP - When you say ‘paying off’ it makes it 

sound like I’ve been doing all this to accomplish 

something in particular. Sure I would 

adore being chased by paparazzi, being on 

TV everyday, having my music number one on 

the charts for weeks on end, but even though, 

subconsciously, I want that in the end, but I do 

this because I love doing it and because it’s 

my passion. But so far, it feels good ... almost 

better than fellatio. 

DJC - What would you like to say to queer 

youth like yourself that are victims of harrassment? 

GP - People are jealous because we are hotter, 

and we swallow more than they ever will. 

Keep doing what your doing. Never backdown 

or you will regret it for the rest of your life. Do 

what makes you happy and nobody can ever 

take that away from you unless you let them. 

36 

All you need is a dash of independence with 

the people who actually love you and care for 

you ... and in that moment and sense you’re 

invincible.’” 

DJC - What can we expect from Geoffrey 

Paris in the year 2008? 

GP - You know what? I really 

like to live on the edge and 

take things one step at a 

time. But I plan on coming 

out with more music, more 

photos, and of course making 

more old ladies cringe 

when they see me at the 

mall. 

surgery.” 

Still, the question begs: 

who is Geoffrey Paris? 

It’s a simple but complex 

subject. Here’s a 

direct quote from his 

outrageous “about 

me” on myspace. 

com: 

“My Clique and I 

are only this perfect 

because we 

do our own plastic 

In the beginning they started out attending local 

performances. Anything from camp, to drag, 

to comedy and all the local concerts. EON 

Outreach, a gay teen resource center, hosted a 

Queer Prom every year. “EON did a lot for us. 

It really is where we got our start in finding our 

place in the gay community as young adults.” 

Geoffrey said, “we owe them a big thank you.” 

It wasn’t long before that wasn’t enough. They 

wanted fame and Geoffrey knew exactly how to 

get them there. 

Now, far from just a bunch of kids full of hot 

air, these young queer icons represent what 

can come of claiming your own identity. Sexy 

doesn’t have to be what the next person is 

wearing, sexy doesn’t have to be the hottest 

selling trend at the mall, sexy isn’t what you 

wear. Sexy is how you wear it. Be different, be 

hot, be you. Let your creative mind flow and 

don’t hold back. Lives are here to be lived and 

taking risks can be very rewarding - even 

when mistakes are made. 

Geoffrey hasn’t just got the attention of 

adoring pre-teens all across the globe. 

He’s been seen on the Club Party Monster 

Tour hanging out with James St. James, 

author of the hit novel, Disco Blood Bath, 

been interviewed by Alexis Arquette, let 

loose on the dance floor with Amanda 

LePore (the scariest thing on two plastic 

legs) and posed for pictures with Richie 

Rich, the founder of the House of Heatherette 

Fashion. With big internet hits like 

“Scene Kidz,” he’s attracting producers 

and music video studios from Hollywood, 

California, to New York City. 

This past October the future King of Debauchery 

brought his beauty brigade out to 

Los Angeles where HBO produced a documentary, 

The Song Story and an exclusive 

music video, both set to air on OnDemand 

early 2008. 

It’s not all fun and games, however. The 

glam guy got his start back in Tucson 

with high school buddy DJ Christoff. They 

hosted their own party called “The 

Boardwalk Underground” Can you 

imagine putting these kids in charge 

of something? You’d have to be out of 

your damn mind. The street sweepers 

reportedly were scrubbing glitter, 

blood, and all other manner of 

make-up massacre left behind for 

weeks after the event. 

Being inspired is what Geoffrey is all 

about. “I also enjoy getting a reaction out of 

people,” he quipped. 

They’re getting enough 

press to stack up 

that they’re 

being 

booked all 

over the 

country. 

That’s 

when 

Paris 

did it yet 

again and came up with something impossible. 

Something crazy. 

The hottest new website is stickam.com. A lot 

like myspace, only members can watch other 

members and talk live on webcam. Invite the 

website to host the party! Paris has connections 

all over the country and pulling a few strings to 

have Stickam.com come film the party live was 

simple. It’s being held at the posh lounge, E4 in 

Scottsdale, Arizona. Each room is themed with 

the four elements; Earth, Air, Water, Fire, and a 

main dance hall, guests will be able to walk from 

world to world and even catch Paris and his crew 

performing live in the dance hall. 

“I’m even premiering some never before heard 

things as well. This party is going to be insane!” 

So what does this Glam, Scene, Trash, Queen 

stand for at the end of the day? Deep shock 

value, personal value, and just plain living life. 

Platform boots, broken jaws, screaming fans, 

webcams, microphones, death threats, business 

trips, marriage proposals, and lipgloss all 

included. 

VISIT GEOFFREY ON MYSPACE @ WWW. 

MYSPACE.COM/KRAZYCLUB- 

KID2000. 

Geoffrey will be performing 

February 1st at E4 Nightclub. 

4282 N. Drinkwater Blvd. 

Call (480)481-3429 

E4-AZ.com

This month’s Night Out takes these lucky 

ladies, who recently moved here from 

Missouri, on a two city night on the town. 

We wanted to show these women from 

the “Show me state” just how we do it 

in AZ. 

First, we met our couple at their favorite 

local hot spot, The Wild Card in 

Chandler, where they enjoyed cocktails 

and drag bingo. Then, it was off to dinner 

to My Big Fat Greek Restaurant. After a 

delicious dinner, it was off to their final 

stop at Amsterdam in Downtown 

Phoenix for more 

drinks and another 

fabulous drag show. 

Let’s see how their 

night went... 

Meet the Women 

Name: Stevie S. 

Sign: Gemini 

Occupation: Student at the Scottsdale 

Culinary Institute. 

Originally from: Lake of the Ozarks, 

Missouri. 

For fun: Go out drinking! 

Favorite sports: Soccer 

Dream Destination: Italy- for the food 

and the soccer! 

When did you come out? My parents 

don’t talk about it at all. My whole family 

are Southern Baptists. 

Guilty Pleasure: Being slapped across 

the face. 

Turn ons: Girls. Full, soft lips! 

Turn offs: Roommates. 

Yourself in threee words: Little, Loud, & 

Aggressive! 

Name: Amanda A. 

Sign: Gemini 

Occupation: Server. 

Originally from: Lee’s Summit, Missouri. 

For fun: Go out drinking! 

Favorite sports: Dance. I’ve danced for 

13 years- everything from ballet to tap. 

Dream Destination: New York- I love the 

shopping, the shows, and the lifestyle. 

When did you come out? I’m bisexual, 

so it wasn’t until I had a girlfriend. 

Guilty Pleasure: Fuckin’ food. 

Turn ons: Girls. Full, soft lips... Hey, she 

took mine! 

Turn offs: Roommates. 

Yourself in threee words: Spacey... ? 

602-993-4567 phx 

520-791-2345 tuc 

Get a Date Tonight! 

See ad on page 99 (Free code: 4448)

40 

Downtown? No. 

Midtown? Possibly. 

Uptown? Defi nitely. 

Tucked into the corner 

of the Uptown Plaza 

on the northeast 

corner of Camelback 

and Central where 

the rich and elite 

shop at A.J.’s for their 

Evian water and fancy 

marmalades, you’ll 

fi nd Johnny’s Uptown 

Restaurant & Music 

Club. 

“I Did it For Johnny!” 

Johnny’s Uptown has 

snuggled into a niche 

that caters to those 

who like a terrifi c and 

tempting menu as 

well as some fi rst-rate entertainment. 

Johnny’s features a Jazz Brunch every 

Sunday and currently, every Thursday 

night at 8 p.m. afi cionados of genderbending 

hijinx can enjoy those clever 

coquettes, “Les Femmes du Soir,” 

featuring Eileen Forward, the doublenutty 

Miss Carriage (more about that 

later) and the winsome beauty, Anya 

Hart. All this in a sophisticated, plush, 

supper club atmosphere replete with 

cushy banquettes and fl attering lighting 

that will make you feel like a movie star. 

But fi rst, the fi ne dining menu: the dining 

room menu offers an upscale selection of 

appetizers, soups, salads and a variety of 

specialties and New American fare. We 

began with the Crab Stuffed Mushrooms. 

These fresh, fat, fi rm ‘shrooms are 

packed with a generous dollop of lump 

crab meat, topped with Parmesan cheese 

and a light, delicate cream sauce. We 

helped ourselves to a generous plate of 

Flash Fried Calamari served with a spicy 

tomato coulis - practically a marinara 

- and arugula aioli. Lightly breaded, the 

41 

white meat was fi rm, 

mild and slightly 

sweet - just the way it 

should be. 

The appetizers 

were followed with 

a Caprese Salad, 

sliced tomatoes, 

bufalo mozzarella 

with fresh basil and 

balsamic drizzle. The 

mozzarella moist, 

tender and lightly 

grilled. They used a 

beefsteak tomato, 

although I prefer the 

texture and taste 

of a Roma tomato 

with a Caprese. 

Johnny’s also offers 

homemade Lobster Bisque and an 

Onion and Ale Soup I’ll try next visit. 

Entrees feature time-tested favorites as 

well as creatively prepared specialties 

of the house. Most entrees are served 

with vegetables and sides a la carte 

For lovers of the fruit of the sea, the Ahi 

Tuna Loin is bound to please. This thick 

tuna steak is sashimi grade, generously 

seasoned with freshly ground pepper 

and just a dash of salt. It’s then quickly 

seared briefl y on each side and served 

rare - just warm on the outside, cool on 

the inside. We recommend having you 

ask the kitchen to fi let the loin prior to 

serving (as pictured.) This is one’s a 

real beauty, giving any kind of beefsteak 

a good run for its money. 

The Chicken Piccata piques the pickiest 

of a pullet lover’s palates. The chicken 

breast is as soft and tender as butter, 

sauteed in white wine with lemon and 

capers, of course. Velvety smooth and 

with just a requisite hint of tartness, 

it’s perfect. A generous serving of

Tagliatelle pasta - a long, thin, ribbon-like 

noodle - nestles up against it. 

As a real, no-nonsense carnivore, I met 

my own gastronomical Waterloo when 

I tucked into the Tournedos Napoleon. 

You’ll get a heaping melt-in-your-mouth 

small, petit fi let that’s been butterfl ied 

and layered with smoked bacon (and who 

doesn’t love bacon?) The mountain of 

creamy cutlets is topped with carmelized 

onions and a dreamy sauce of marchand 

d’vin, a delicious demi-glaze. With more 

than enough to share, I wouldn’t trade it 

for Beef Wellington. (It’s a military history/ 

gourmet cooking joke there, kiddos. Look 

it up.) Ask your waiter to help you pair 

your dinner selection with one of their 

many fi ne wines. 

There’s always room for Johnny’s 

dessert. Share the Tiramisu - the famed 

Italian dessert of delicate biscuits soaked 

in a mixture of coffee, rum and sugar, 

layered with marscapone cream, custard 

and cocoa. Bello! Or, for a fi nishing touch 

you might want to try the Zabaglione, an 

custard of egg yolks, Marsala wine and 

sugar with fresh berries on top. 

Hello, Lydia! Don’t forget the fellas in 

frocks! We were scandalized when 

Miss Carriage’s skirt rode up just a little 

too high, giving the entire dining room 

of her nylon encased twig ‘n’ berries. 

Singing sensation Miss Blue trilled and 

thrilled the audience with her lovely 

soprano - and it was all live. The girls 

gave it their all. And then some, in Miss 

Carriage’s case. 

Johnny’s Uptown offers guests a variety 

of drink and shot specials. Appetizers 

are half-off during showtime. And the 

bar’s delish Happy Hour menu, served 

‘til closing is available in the dining 

room, too. If you’re lucky, you might 

even get to hear songbird Anthony 

LaMotta sing some of your old favorites, 

too. 

Johnny’s Uptown 

40 E. Camelback, Ste. 102 

Mon-Fri, 4 p.m. - late 

602-277-5999 

42 

43

44 

DRAG BINGO

PARTY CAM 

PARTY CAM 


BEAT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 

46

“Oh give me land, lots of land under starry skies above, 

Don’t fence me in. 

Let me ride through wide open country that I love, 

Don’t fence me in ...”

Head ‘em up and move ‘em out, set ‘em 

up, ride ‘em out, cut ‘em out, ride ‘em out 

We’ll see y’all at Rawhide for the 23rd Anniversary 

AGRA Road Runner Regional Rodeo this January 18- 

20, 2008! This Grand Canyon State favorite of the GLBT 

Community is staged at Rawhide at Wild Horse Pass on 

what’s left of the outskirts of Phoenix. So straddle the 

ol’ saddle underneath the western skies and we’ll see 

you there for a weekend of Bareback Bronco Busting, 

Pole Bending, Bull Riding and the ever-popular Goat 

Dressing. Sounds hot, don’t it? Well, little buckaroos, 

it is! Remember, if you can rope ‘em, you can ride ‘em! 

We are grateful to Charlie’s who co-sponsors the Rodeo 

every year. Yee-haw! Let’s Rodeo! 

Where’s It All Happening? 

Rawhide at Wild Horse Pass, 5700 W. North Loop Road 

on the Gila River Indian Community, ‘bout 22 miles 

from Central Phoenix, the state Capital. Whether you’re 

comin’ by wagon train, stagecoach or horseback, it’s 

easy. A horseless carriage will get you there quickest. 

From Phoenix: 

You’ll be comin’ ‘round the mountain when you come. 

Or just take I-10 East (but if you’re coming from the 

Old Pueblo, Tucson, take I-10 West, obviously) to Wild 

Horse Pass Boulevard (Exit 162) and follow the signs. 

Parking is FREE! 

REWARD! 

$500 In 

Gold Coin! 

Horse Thieving, Heart 

Breaking CRIMINALS! 

Prosecution to the Full 

Extent of the LAW! 

THESE ARE THE ONES 

WE ARE LOOKING FOR! 

They Will Steal Your Heart! 

You’ll amble through 

Rawhide Western 

Town to get 

to the Arena. 

AGRA patrons 

won’t have to 

pay admission 

into the town 

of Rawhide, 

only the Rodeo 

Grounds. 

Rodeo’s fun, but 

don’t get carried 

away with the 

Wild West 

cowboy stuff, 

pardners. You’re 

not Marshall Matt 

Dillon so leave 

your six-shooters 

at home. It’s 

Rawhide, not 

Gunsmoke. 

AGRA RODEO GUIDE

AGRA RODEO GUIDE 

Ticket offi ce opens at the rooster crows at 7 a.m. both 

days. Events begin at 8 a.m. and end when the cows 

come home. And that’s pretty darn late, pilgrim. 

Room & Board 

Those good folks at the Hilton Garden Inn Phoenix 

Midtown (602-279-9811) and the Grace Inn at 

Ahwatukee (800-843-6010) are once again gracious 

innkeepers to our visiting cowpokes. Call for 

reservations and mention AGRA for special rates 

ranging from $79 - $119 plus tax per night. Free 

shuttle service to the Rodeo grounds, check the 

front desk for info. And remember: act like ladies 

and gentlemen! Please clean your boots! Feel like 

roughing easy? There’s even an RV Park at Rawhide. 

How Much Gold Does It Cost? 

C’mon in for $15 a day or purchase a Weekend Pass 

for $25 for both days. Got young ‘uns? Bring ‘em! 

It’s free if they’re 12 and under. Please, no critters 

allowed unless you have special needs or if they’re 

participating in the rodeo. 

Feed ‘n’ Tack 

If I went to battle, with someone’s herd of cattle you’d 

have steak when the job was done! If you and your 

stallion or silly little 

fi lly have a hankerin’ 

for somethin’ 

warm in your belly, 

check out Rawhide 

Steakhouse 

and Saloon. 

Try their USDA 

Choice Mesquite 

grilled steaks or 

barbeque chicken 

and specialties 

like Rawhide 

Rattler and 

Rocky Mountain 

Oysters. Or try 

The Wagon 

Wheel Cafe 

for burgers, 

BBQ, chicken 

sandwiches 

& more. Visit 

ATTENTION 

Good People of Arizona! 

Jeff is the New Sheriff 

in Town! 

Law & Order amongst the 

CITIZENRY! 

Belly Up to the Bar 

at Charlie’s 

And Say “Howdy!” 

to Him!

WARNING! 

Notice to the Ladies of 

Our Fair City! 

Authorities Will be 

Notifi ed of Reports 

Concerning Violations of 

Conduct Amongst 

Our Gentlewomen! 

Raven-Haired Vixen 

Chelsea Will PILLAGE 

Your Affections! 

the Golden Belle Saloon for a little White 

Lightning. You’ll also fi nd bars & grills around 

the rodeo grounds with grog & grub for 

everyone. Remember, ION Arizona has many 

advertisers who support our community who 

are pleased to offer you a heapin’ helpin’ of 

their hospitality! Check our listings. Many 

eateries offer discounts to readers with ION 

VIP Keychains (see page 6). 

Entertainment: 

Mosey on over to the Main Stage in the 

Rawhide Pavilion Saturday and Sunday, 

January 19 & 20, beginning around 1p.m. 

and continuing into the evening. They’ll be 

showcasing live singers, dance groups, 

comedy acts, female impersonators (that’s 

fancy talk for “drag queens”) and much more 

- like cloggers! Look forward to original 

entertainment that’s usually only available in 

the big city, folks! Ki yi yippee yippee yay! 

Shopping? Whoa, Nellie! 

Yep, Mr. Rockefeller, there’s practically a 

whole Rodeo Drive at the Rodeo. Almost. 

The town of Rawhide features a variety of 

western goods and other novelties for sale. 

There’s also a blacksmith shop, the Gila River 

Trading Post featuring handmade American 

Indian arts, crafts & jewelry, and an old-time 

photographer. Don’t forget to save a sawbuck 

or two for the GLBT vendors in the Pavilion 

selling 1, 5 & 10 Gallon hats, bolo ties and 

lots and lots of Western shirts. And I mean 

lots. 

Into the Sunset ... 

At the end of the day, at the end of the 

trail, where else would a cowpoke go to 

fi nd a good, safe poke? Charlie’s. 727 W. 

Camelback Rd. 602-265-0224 

For a gulleywasher of information, details, 

a complete listing of Rodeo Events, Rodeo 

School, AGRA membership info, and all the 

other fi ne print about the weekend’s fun ‘n’ 

games, please visit www.agra-phx.com or 

call 602-265-8166. AGRA RODEO GUIDE


59 

OPENING NIGHT

Cowboy 

Quiz 

Save a Horse, 

Ride a Cowboy 

Are You a City Slicker or a Cowpoke? 

1) You use the shampoo Hair, Mane, and Tail for: 

a. Your Horse (1) 

b. Your Hair (2) 

2) You have been known to hog-tie a lover for a special bedroom 

treat. 

a. True (1) 

b. False (2) 

3) To you, “bareback” means: 

a. Without a saddle (1) 

b. Without a condom (2) 

4) Kenny Chesney’s Tractor is: 

a. Sexy (1) 

b. Forget the tractor; give me Kenny Chesney! (2) 

5) A bolo-tie is: 

a. A type of knot taught in Boy Scouts. (2) 

b. A type of neck jewelry. (1) 

6) A mustang is: 

a. Your favorite type of horse. (1) 

b. Your favorite type of car. (2) 

7) Your entire knowledge of roping, riding, and shepherding is 

limited to Brokeback Mountain. 

a. True (2) 

b. False (1) 

8) Louis L’Amour is: 

a. A famous Western novelist from North Dakota. (1) 

b. A famous French physicist. (2) 

9) The names Tom Mix, Gene Autry, and Roy Rogers mean: 

a. Singing cowboys from the 1930s. (1) 

b. Types of alcoholic (and non-alcoholic) beverages. (2) 

10) You got to AGRA to: 

a. Participate in the events. (1) 

b. Participate in the after-event event(s). (2) 

COWBOY QUIZ

AGRA RODEO GUIDE 

PONY EXPRESS 

RIDERS 

WANTED 

Young, skinny, 

wiry fellows! 

Must be expert rider, 

willing to risk 

death daily! 

Orphans preferred! 

SCHEDULE 

THURSDAY 

8:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. 

AGRA Rodeo School (Rawhide) 

FRIDAY 

9:00 a.m. – Noon 

AGRA Rodeo School (Rawhide) 

6:00 – 9:00 p.m. 

Contestants Registration 

(Payson Room-Hilton Garden Inn) 

7:00 – 11:00 p.m. 

Party/Dance/Entertainment 

(Ballroom-Hilton Garden Inn) 

SATURDAY 

7:00 a.m. 

Ticket Offi ce Opens 

8:00 a.m.-????? 

Rodeo Events (Rawhide) 

Noonish 

Grand Entry/Foot Parade 

1:00 – 11:00 p.m. 

Dancing/Entertainment 

(Rawhide Pavilion) 

SUNDAY 

7:00 a.m. 

Ticket Offi ce Opens 

8:00 a.m.-????? 

Rodeo Events (Rawhide) 

Noonish 

Grand Entry 

1:00 – 8:30 p.m. 

Dancing/Entertainment 


8:30 p.m. 

Rodeo Awards Ceremony 


9:30 p.m. 

Party Time/Dancing/Entertainment 


MONDAY 

11:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m 

Another Rodeo’s Done Brunch 

(Charlie’s - tentative) 

1:00 p.m. - ????? 

Post Rodeo Pussy LeHoot Show 

(Charlie’s)

QUIZ RESULTS 

Save a Horse, 

Ride a Cowboy 

Are You a City Slicker 

or a Cowpoke? 

10 – 15 Points: You Are the Cowboy 

We’re Saving the Horse to Ride! 

You love the farm and ranch life warts-and-all, not just 

the beautiful illusion that old-time Hollywood makes it 

out to be. Whether is comes to shoeing a horse, roping 

a steer, or erecting a fence, you are not afraid of a 

little sweat, dirt, and work. 

16 – 20 Points: Horses are So Last 

Season; Let’s Talk Horsepower 

You know every type of leather shoe but damned if 

you know what sort of cow that leather came from and 

frankly, my dear, you don’t give a damn. The closest 

you’ve ever been to a rodeo was when your friend, 

Jason, jumped onto your other friend, Steve’s back 

and rode him around the dance fl oor at Charlie’s. You 

may be out of your element in the country, but you 

kick some serious ass in town. 

Photographer................. Richard Bolinski 

Art Direction....... Joey Sarandos-Durisek 

Makeup...................... Bianca Slingerland 

Costuming........................ Don Thompson 

Thanks to the models: Mike, Jeff V., Jeff R., 

Daniel, and Chelsea. 

Special thanks to Hector, Charlie’s, and the 

Arizona Gay Rodeo Association. 

NOTICE! 

To Thieves, Thugs, 

Fakers & Bunko Artists! 

Be It Known This 

Brown-Eyed YOUTH 

Mike is Forty-Times A 

Blackmail Artist of the 

HEART! 

Chicanery Afoot! He is a 

LOVE RUSTLER!

9TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY 

The Winner! 

69

70 

71

Big Strenth and Power Workout 

Here’s the hard hitting workout to 

get you started on building really eye 

popping results fast. Use this workout 

as a starter for six weeks along with 

the diet that I outlined previously. 

Remember to use your “ideal” body 

weight to compute daily caloric needs 

for that diet, do not use your current 

weight to compute daily caloric 

needs. Fuel your 

72 73 

72 

by Mark Layne 

body and lift heavy like the big boys! 

You will workout three days on and 

one day off repeating the following 

workout each time. 

At the end of Week Three increase 

weight to maintain your new (higher) 

threshold of strength. At the end of 

week six you need to change things 

up with a new program to keep 

muscles stimulated. I really 

recommend that you have a 

spotter or trainer with you 

at all times. This gives 

you the confi dence to 

lift heavy and the safety 

required to prevent 

injury. Make sure that 

you eat a well balanced 

(carb,protein,fat) meal 1 

hour before your workout 

and within 1 hour after your 

workout. 

This program requires you to take 

rest periods between sets for 

a minimum of two minutes. 

However, you should 

extend that to 3 minutes 

for the fi rst 3 

exercises of 

each day. 

Make sure 

to warm up 

and stretch 

before 

beginning 

your workout 

each day. 

In all cases, you need to lift to near 

failure (85% of a one rep maximum) 

for the prescribed amount of reps in 

each exercise.

DAY ONE SETS REPS 

PUSH UPS 2 TO FAILURE 

FLAT BENCH PRESS 5 10,8,8,6,4 

CLOSE GRIP BENCH PRESS 2 8,6 

WIDE GRIP BENCH PRESS 2 8,6 

INCLINE BENCH PRESS 3 8,8,8 

DIPS (NO ASSIST) 3 10,10,10 

(If 10 are too easy add a weight using a belt to meet the requirement) 

PEC-DECK or CABLE FLY 2 10,10 

SKULL CRUSHER 3 10,10,8 

TRICEP PRESSDOWN 2 12,12 

Reps = Number of times you actually perform an exercise 

within one “Set” 

Sets = Just like it says. Sets are a group of repetitions. These 

should be punctuated by periods of at least two 

minutes of rest. 

To Failure = indicates that you should 

go until your muscles just wont do any 

more. On these exercises, it’s good 

to push yourself to complete as 

many as possible. 

DAY TWO SETS REPS 

SQUAT 3 10,6,3 

DEEP SQUAT 3 6,6,6 

NARROW STANCE SQUAT 2 8,8 

WIDE STANCE SQUAT 2 8,8 

PRONE LEG CURL 4 8,8,8,8 

MEDIUM STANCE LEG PRESS 3 12,12,12 

SEATED LEG CURL 2 10,10 

STANDING CALF RAISE 2 10,10 

SEATED CALF RAISE 2 12,12 

MILITARY PRESS 4 12,10,8,6 

REAR DELT RAISE 3 8,8,8 

SIDE DELT RAISE 3 8,8,8 

FRONT DELT RAISE 3 8,8,8 

DAY THREE SETS REPS 

PULLUPS (NO ASSIST) 2 TO FAILURE 

DEADLIFT 3 10,6,3 

NARROW STANCE DEADLIFT 3 6,6,6 

WIDE STANCE DEADLIFT 2 8,8 

SEATED CABLE LOW ROW 3 8,8,8 

ONE ARM DUMBBELL ROW 4 10,8,6,6 

WIDE LAT PULLDOWN 3 8,8,8 

STANDING BARBELL CURL 3 10,8,6 

SEATED DUMBBELL CURL 3 10,8,6 

SEATED HAMMER DB CURL 3 10,8,6 

If you have any questions about any of the exercises 

listed here, or have additional questions concerning 

your workout; Mark Layne is a Certifi ed Personal 

Trainer and the owner of PUMPEDCUT Fitness 

located at 4314 N. 7 th Avenue, Phoenix, 85013. 

He can be reached at (480) 861-6284 or on the 

web at www.pumpedcut.com 

74 75

76 

JANUARY 2007 

Vol. 1, Issue 10 

OUTRAGEOUS! 

 

 

 

Unfair and unbalanced. We decide. 

LOCAL WOMAN BREAKS 

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS 

 

TEMPE, Arizona 

- Jeanette 

Montgomery, 

32, can’t keep 

a promise she 

made to herself. 

She broke every 

New Year’s 

Resolution she 

made for 2007 

and is already on 

shaky ground for 

those she’s making for 2008. 

few friends. “I 

also planned 

on ‘Getting 

Organized,’ but 

I’ve figured that if 

it hasn’t happened 

in the past 15 

years, it just isn’t 

going to happen. 

Sorry. I gave up 

on ‘Cleaning’ 

too. Besides, after 

three years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.” 

The diet? Forget it. “I promised myself Many American’s use the New Year 

I’d 

 

join Curves and lose 25 pounds. Resolution as an example of the forecast- 

Well, that didn’t happen. I even gained method of planning. According to this 

weight. And I’m still smoking, 

too. Like, method, plans are established at regular 

a pack a day.” Montgomery also planned short, or medium-term time intervals 

to “learn something new.” She enrolled when only a rough long-term plan exists. 

 

in a ceramics class through an Adult Most people fail laughably and miserably. 

Leisure Learning program and didn’t go 

once. “That was $125 poured down a rat Montgomery’s final New Year’s 

hole,” she complained. 

Resolution? “I also listed that I wanted 

to ‘Reduce Stress’ but now all this New 

Montgomery reviewed her past year’s Year’s Resolution stuff has me even more 

list of Resolutions, including “Spend stressed.” She was last seen carrying a six- 

Time With Loved Ones,” came up pack of beer, smoking a cigarette on her 

but she can’t stand her family and has 

 

way to McDonald’s. 

 

 

77

BARACK OBAMA WILL APPOINT 

OPRAH AS FIRST LADY 

CHICAGO 

- Presidential 

hopeful Sen. Barack 

Obama (D-Ill) 

announced that 

should he win the 

2008 presidential 

election he will 

 

 

appoint TV talk 

show heavyweight 

and arbiter of just 

about everything, 

 

naturally assuming 

Oprah Winfrey as 

First Lady. 

“My first priority as First Lady will be to 

rename the White House. It will be called 

‘The People of Color House’ in order to be 

more inclusive toward people all national 

heritages living in America,” she said 

in press release. “I will also see that the 

Library of Congress installs the Oprah Wing 

 

 

exclusively for my Book Club. I’ll have the 

Executive Mansion - that is, The People of 

Color House - entirely redecorated by my 

dear homosexual friend who’s just as good 

as you or me, Nate 

Berkus. All at 

taxpayer expense, 

of course. What it 

needs is a Purple 

Room.” 

The Senator’s wife, 

Michelle Obama, 

was taken aback at 

the announcement, 

that the duties of 

First Lady of the 

Land would fall to the president’s wife. 

“Well, I’m a little surprised, actually,” she 

said. “I was looking forward to creating a 

philanthropic platform, like ‘Save A Crack 

Whore,’ or ‘Who My Baby Daddy’ but I 

guess Oprah has better ideas, like ‘Mashed 

Potatoes and Gravy for Everybody in 

America.’” 

Winfrey announced that she will appoint 

longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham as 

 

People of Color House Chief Parking Valet. 

 

GRANT’S GHOST APPEARS IN WHITE HOUSE. 

SHARES COCKTAILS WITH PRES. BUSH 

WASHINGTON, D.C. 

- Jerome Hoffman, 

a resident White 

House staffer with 

insomnia reported 

that he has seen the 

 

ghost of famed Civil 

War general and 18th 

President Ulysses S. 

Grant roaming the 

Executive Mansion 

in the middle of the 

night. 

saying “I hear you’re 

looking for me. You 

wanna go mano-amano 

right here?” 

You can imagine 

how well that went 

over with the old 

man. 

The President’s 

drinking with the old 

general’s ghost has 

become excessively uninhibited. “We’ve seen 

them in the Oval Room playing Master of the 

Thumb and Pennies-in-a-Pitcher,” said an 

anonymous White House porter. “I’ve seen 

Grant’s ghost drink Bush under the Sheraton 

escritoire used by James Madison to sign the 

Treaty of Ghent.” 

“I’ve seen him several times searching for the 

booze,” said Hoffman. The hard-drinking 

general fought through some of the most 

difficult campaigns and battles of the Civil 

War, and elected to the presidency where 

he experienced one of the most corrupt and 

scandal-ridden administrations in presidential Bush and Grant’s drinking hijinx resulted 

history, now second only to that of Bush. in the destruction of First Lady Ida Saxton 

 

McKinley’s Ming vase during a rowdy 

Hoffman, 48, was shocked to see the pale game of Flip-a-Cup while Bush chased 

shade of the famed Chief Executive drinking Grant around President Martin Van Buren’s 

in the East Room with President 

George W. Hepplewhite highboy with a double-barrel 

Bush. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t shotgun owned by President Theodore 

seen Roosevelt yelling, “The British are coming! 

 

it with my own eyes,” he said. “There 

they were! Sitting there at Thomas Jefferson’s The British are coming!” Working knowledge 

Chippendale credenza playing Beerchesi!” of American history is apparently one of his 

shortcomings, too. 

Bush, claiming to be a recovering alcoholic 

since 1986, recently addressed his rowdy White House Press Secretaries have refused 

history of drinking proclivities saying he to comment on the allegations, but one 

was “never a knee-walking drunk,” although insider claims to have seen a $50 bill in the 

he had been arrested for drunk driving and President’s wallet personally signed by Grant 

 

had his license suspended. After he ran over with the inscription, “To Dubya - Whiskey 

garbage cans at the family’s Kennebunkport Bent and Hell Bound! The North kicks 

estate he challenged his enraged 

father, Southern butt! Your pal, Ulysses.”

OUTRAGEOUS TRAVEL SUPPLEMENT: 

ENJOY THE WONDERS 

OF TRANQUIL IRAQ 

 

 

 

Come to the cradle of 

civilization! Get some at 

Sumeria! See the babes 

of Babylon! Meander 

around Mesopotamia! 

What are you waiting for? 

Get your ass to Assyria! 

Yes, it’s all here! We invite 

you to visit beautiful, 

peaceful Iraq! Land of 

quiet, unspoiled beauty! 

Country of tolerance! 

Enjoy our gracious 

hospitality! 

 

81 

in the bathtub for the 

ultimate in convenience! 

Try sandbags and two 

layers of 3/8 steel with a 

two inch air gap on the 

windows for maximum 

safety and comfort! 

Hungry? We have 

gourmet cuisine to tempt 

the the most jaded palate! 

We recommend our 

goat with yogurt sauce. 

We invite our American 

visitors to have a burger 

at the Bob Hope Dining 

Facility, where food has 

gone from terrible to 

mediocre! 

Live like a king! Or even 

a dictator! Stay in one of 

 

Saddam Hussein’s “tyrant 

chic” palaces! Please, 

bring your own furniture 

as the palaces were 

Wondering what to wear? 

looted. Our temperate 

Kevlar is all the rage with 

 

climate hovers around a 

a trauma plate back and 

balmy 110 degrees in the 

front! Ooh la la! 

summer. Only fi ve days 

journey by camel you can 

take the waters in the sparkling Tigris or 

Euphrates Rivers! 

At the end of every 

beautiful day you can watch the mortars 

and rockets from the comfort of your very 

own bunker! Dream those worries about 

Weapons of Mass Destruction away! 

Who’s your Baghdaddy? Enjoy some 

 

of the glamorous nightlife in Baghdad, 

baby! There are many hotspots to Iraq. More than just a funny name. 

see! We recommend under the bed or


HOLIDAY PARTY 

82

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

8. 

9. 

C 

10. 

11. 

12. 

13. 

14. 

15. 

16. 

17. 

18. 

19. 

20. 

21. 

22. 

23. 

24. 

25. 

26. 

27. 

28. 

29. 

30. 

31. 

32. 

33. 

Amsterdam 718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown Phoenix (602) 258-6122 

Apollo’s 5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix (602) 277-9373 

Area Phoenix 2104 N. 23rd Ave. (North of McDowell Rd.) - Phx 

84 85 

PHOENIX NIGHTLIFE 

BS West 7125 5th Ave. - Scottsdale (480) 945-9028 

Bunkhouse 4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 200-9154 

Burn Nightclub 122 E. Washington St. - Downtown Phoenix (602) 258-1772 

Cash Inn 2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 244-9943 

Cell Block 998 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 266-5640 

Charlie’s 727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix (602) 265-0224 

The Chute Men’s Club 1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 234-1654 

Clarendon Hotel + Suites 401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix (602) CLARENDON 

Club Vibe 3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 224-9977 

Cruisin’ 7th 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix (602) 212-9888 

Dick’s Cabaret 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix (602) 274-DICK 

e lounge 4343 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 279-0388 

Friends 1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729 

NEW! Forbidden 6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale forbiddenaz.com 

Homme 138 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix (602) 266-0875 

Ice Pics 3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 267-8707 

Incognito 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix (602) 955-9805 

Karamba 1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 254-0231 

Kobalt 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix (602) 264-5307 

Club Miami 716 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix (602) 258-6122 

Nu-Towne Saloon 5002 E. Van Buren St. - Phoenix (602) 267-9959 

OZ. 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix (602) 242-5114 

NEW! Paco Paco 3045 N. 16th St. - Phoenix (602) 279-0831 

Phoenix Eagle 3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix (602) 493-0355 

Plazma 1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix (602) 266-0477 

Pumphouse II 4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 275-3509 

The Rock 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 248-8559 

Roscoe’s 4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix (602) 285-0833 

Taylor’s Tavern 15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix (602) 867-2463 

Velocity (old Harley’s) 2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 956-2885 

Wild Card 801 N. Arizona Ave. - Chandler (480) 857-3088 

Z Girl Club 4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix (602) 265-3233

Happy Hour 4-7pm 

Karaoke w/ Ron @ 9pm 

2-4-1 from 2pm-8pm 

$3 Wells/ $2 Dom. 

$2 Pitchers 2-7pm 

$1 tequila - $2 pitchers 

Afterhrs.-Dance ‘til 4am 

Prizes and giveaways 

2-4-1 well/dom. 8-10pm 

forbiddenaz.com 

1/2 price happy hour 4-8 

Karamba Dancers 

Happy Hour: 4-7 pm 

$3 Corona & Long Island 

Karaoke @ 9:30 

Happy hr: $2 Dom/Well 

Karaoke 9:30pm 

86 

86 



2-4-1 from 9pm-12am 

2-4-1 Wells 8-10:30pm 

.75 Happy Hr. 7-9pm 

50c. Pitchers $2 Wells 

Afterhrs.-Dance ‘til 4am 

Prizes and giveaways 

2-4-1 well/dom. 8-10pm 



No cover before 10pm 

Happy Hour: Noon-7pm 

1/2 OFF with undies 

Free darts 2-6pm 

Lunch from 11a-4p 

Diamond Dolls 9:30pm 

Karaoke @ 9pm w/ Tim 

$7 brunch / Strippers 10 

Karaoke / $3 DnkyPunch 

$1 Mimosas 

$2 Long Islands 

$2 Coronas + Pitchers 

CLOSED 

Service Industry 1/2 off 

CLOSED 



$3 Pitchers w/Diamond 

$1.50 D.Beer w/ Jersey 

$3 Corona - Hrly Specials 

Free darts - Karaoke @ 8 

$8 Long Island pitchers 

Beer Bust 

$5 Martinis & Manicures 

$1 Dom. Draft Beer 

$2 Domestic Beer 

2-4-1 All Night 

1/2 off - w/only Undies 

CLOSED 

Open 10pm- 2am 

2-4-1 Dances 

CLOSED 



CLOSED 

Happy Hour: 4-7-pm 

CLOSED 

2-4-1 7pm-close 

2-4-1 beer and well 

Cheap Ass Drink Night 


$2.25 Dom/Well All Day 

$5 Grey Goose 

CLOSED 

$2 Specials / 2-Steppin’ 

CLOSED 

CLOSED 

$5OFF w/ ION Keychain 

CLOSED 



CLOSED 

Karaoke w/ Gary 

CLOSED 

Dart tournament 

2-4-1 ALL DAY 

Karaoke 10pm 


$5 signature martinis 

2-4-1 (Hotspot) 

$5 L.I.s/ $3CuervoShots 

$2.50 L.Islnds @ 7pm 

$1 tequila - $2 pitchers 

CLOSED 

Myspace Wednesdays 

CLOSED 



$3 Pitchers w/Diamond 

2-4-1 All Drinks 

$3 drinks all night 

2-4-1 well & domestic 

Industry Night 

Wild Card Review 9:30 

87 87 

Divas @ 9:30 / No Cover 


Karaoke @ 9pm 

$4 Wells 

$2 Ptchrs/ 2-4-1 @ 7pm 

2-4-1 Beer +Drag Show 

CLOSED 

$5OFF w/ ION Keychain 

$2 domestic pitchers 



$3 Pitchers w/Susana 

Trivia Contest @ 8pm 

2-4-1 / $3 Corona 

Drag & stripper show 

College Night: $1 Dom/ 

Drag Bingo 8:30pm

PARTY CAM 

PARTY CAM 


88 

HOLIDAY PARTY 

BARS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE 

1 Ain’t Nobody’s Biz 2900 E. Broadway (520) 318-4838 

2 IBT’s 616 N. 4th Ave. (520) 882-3053 

3 Venture-N 1239 N. 6th Ave. (520) 882-8224 

4 Rainbow Planet Coffee House 606 N. 4th Ave. (520) 620-1770 

5 Woody’s 3710 N. Oracle Rd. (520) 292-6702 

6 Howl at the Moon 915 W. Prince Rd. (520) 293-7339 

7 Yard Dog 2449 N. Stone (520) 624-3858 

8 Colors 5305 E. Speedway (520) 323-1840 

9 Hydra Leather 145 E. Congress St. (520) 791-3711 

COMMUNITY SERVICES 

TUCSON NIGHTLIFE 

A Metropolitan Community Church 3269 N. Mountain (520) 292-9151 

B Cornerstone Fellowship 2902 N. Geronimo (520) 622-4626 

D Wingspan 300 E. 6th St. (520) 624-1779 

E S.A.A.F. 375 S. Euclid Ave. (520) 628-7223 

F Royal Elizabeth Bed and Breakfast 204 S. Scott Ave. (520) 670-9022 

G TIHAN (Tuscon Interfaith HIV/AIDS Network) 492 N. Alvernon (520) 299-6647 

H EON Gay Youth Center (520) 620-6245 

89

Aries March 21-April 19 

This month leave the thinking to someone 

else. When choosing date spots 

or where to dine let fate or reliable 

friends guide you. After a few drinks 

you won’t remember anyhow. 

Taurus April 20-May 20 

This year do your part to recycle. Be 

resourceful and fi nd other uses for 

things of your past. And like the crushing 

of an aluminum can, I encourage 

you to consider recycling your exes. 

Gemini May 21-June 21 

This year do your part to recycle. Be 

resourceful and fi nd other uses for 

things of your past. And like the crushing 

of an aluminum can, I encourage 

you to consider recycling your exes.. 

Cancer June 22-July 22 

With the beginning of the New Year it’s 

time to make a goal. Whether saving a 

little dough for a vacation or squeezing 

your ass into a Speedo you better get 

started now. 

Leo July 23-August 22 

Be sure to cut coupons, but not 

corners. Hunting for a bargain never 

hurts. Just be sure to take your time 

or you’ll end up wasting time and 

energy which will piss us all off in the 

long run. 

Virgo August 23 - September 22 

This month myspace is going to try 

and take over your life. Log off the 

computer already and go actually try 

socializing with people. But not before 

you change your profi le pic. 

Libra September 23-October 22 

Be careful not to get too carried away 

with ringing in the New Year. Besides 

it’s WAY more fun to be able to leave 

the embarrassing situations up to 

other’s so that you can rub it in their 

faces for the rest of the year. 

Scorpio October 23-November 21 

Enjoy new friends and new adventures, 

but don’t latch on or get caught 

up too quickly. Remember that the 

hike is also about enjoying the scenery 

sweetheart. 

Sagittarius November 22 December 21 

Laugh it off and live it up! It’s been a 

tough year and it’s completely acceptable 

to poke a little fun at your situation. 

Besides I hear uncontrollable 

laughter is great for your abs. (Insert 

funny joke here) 

Capricorn December 22-January 19 

Last month you made an impulsive 

purchase. When the bill comes don’t 

fret. Close your eyes, concentrate and 

live out that same orgasmic shopping 

experience all over again. When you 

open your eyes and if the bill is still 

there you now have permission to 

sob. 

Aquarius January 20-February 18 

Finally, you start to be noticed. And 

you’re no Ugly Betty let me tell you. 

It’s just that everyone else is off their 

high horses and now they’ll start to 

see you for the beautiful person you 

are. Now, it’s your turn to ignore them. 

Pisces February 19-March 20 

Stop being so calculated with your 

dating habits. Romance is not about 

reaching a fi nal answer. It’s about the 

equation and seeing how many which 

ways you can re-arrange the arithmatic. 

1+1+1 = HOT! 

91

Happy New Year, darlings! It’s 2008. 

Already. The last shreds of ribbons and 

bows have been put away, the last cork 

from the champagne has been popped 

along with many a booty. That’s what 

I call bringing in the New Year with a 

bang - if you know what I mean, wink, 

wink, nudge, nudge. 

My wish for 2008 is simple and from 

the heart: dear god, let Liza live! Judy 

Garland’s daughter, Liza Minnelli, 

just about went to that big cabaret in 

the sky during a 

recent Christmas 

concert gig in 

Sweden where 

she complained 

of dizzy spells, 

staggered up on 

stage and and 

collapsed. Just 

like her Mama, 

that girl. The apple 

never falls far from 

the tree. So let’s 

hear it for Liza! It was Judy and Liza 

who laid all the groundwork for wackjobs 

of the new millennium like Amy 

Winehouse - and who doesn’t love a 

good train wreck from an expert drama 

mama? 

There was a hot time at icepics for 

their grand opening party. The valley’s 

new video bar owners Todd, Don and 

Michael rolled out the record carpet 

for glamorous gadabouts like Anthony 

Moorehead and everybody’s favorite 

kitten on the keys Kenny Thames as 

well as the phenomenal H.R.H. R.J. 

Merrill and Dennis McKay. Kobalt’s 

own Dr. McDreamy, Robert Mancuso 

arrived with business partner Bryon 

Wiley and his kissy-kissy partner, 

boyfriend Jeff on his arm. I spied Rod 

Whitt bending his elbow while I bent 

the ear of handsome Tempe policeman 

Brandon Banks who gives me the Hill 

Street Blueballs. I’m guilty as charged, 

Offi cer! Guilty of love in the fi rst degree! 

95 

by Addison DeWitt 

It was good to see culinary cutie-pie 

Josh Huffman out on the town. And I 

always swoon when beefcake pin-up 

playboy Tim DePlanche is around. 

And after all that rain I’d love to slip 

out of some wet clothes and into a dry 

martini with icepics’ oh-so-kissable and 

lickable bartender Robert Pena. But 

if my left thigh was Christmas and my 

right thigh was New Years, bartender 

Ramzan could visit me between the 

holidays anytime. 

This month 

icepics will 

premier their 

theme nights. 

Look for their 

“Strangers with 

Comedy” night 

every Thursday 

night. Buy anybody 

a drink, and you 

get your drink free! 

It’s a great way to 

meet a hottie or make a friend - and it’s 

economical, too. There’s no business, 

like show business! Every Sunday 

features show tunes! How fun is that? 

So brush up on your Merman, kids! 

Sing out, Louise! 

Lord knows I wrote a letter to the 

Santa to get my stocking stuffed - if 

nothing else - from those naughty boys 

I saw at parading their pulchritude 

and peckers at Dick’s Cabaret all 

night schlong for their scanty-panty 

Merry XXXmas Party. It wasn’t the 

North Pole, but Dick’s boys swingin’ 

on the Brass Pole will sure bring your 

South Pole to attention. I wish every 

day was Christmas at Dick’s. Whether 

you’ve been naughty or nice, the 

delish doorman Freakk might give you 

a mighty swat right in the middle of 

your daily duty. That’s if you’re lucky. 

Don’t forget to tell the Hostess with the 

Mostess, Cynthia, that I sent you.

Those charmers Brad Brauer and 

Michael de Souza hosted their 58th 

annual Holiday Affair cocktail party. I hear 

that Quebeqois coquette Sasha Blanchet 

just spent three months competing on 

Belgian TV’s equivalent of “Skating With 

The Stars.” Nobody missed Sasha’s 

triple-toe loops or his half-lutz with a 

double-salchow more than precious Paul 

Guerrero, his boyfriend. Glad you’re back, 

mon petit chou d’amour. 

Amsterdam pulled out all the stops for 

their 9th Anniversary Party. Not only did 

they offer a fab talent contest with huge 

prizes, they also fed the crowd before 

headliners, comic Michele Balan and 

those adorable 

songbirds, Joshua 

and Jacob Miller of 

Nemesis Rising. And 

what a party it was! 

Party Penguin of the 

Year, Travis Berg 

was on hand, natch, 

as well as Victor 

Lopez and Noah 

Busha. I can never 

get enough of David 

Hernandez or C4 waiter, the adorable 

blond bombshell Ben Jenc, who couldn’t 

drink enough beer to be lured by my 

grim charms. And he drank a lot of beer. 

Remember that? Of course you don’t, 

dear. But I do. That’s why I’m here. You 

can thank me later. 

Everybody’s enjoying Apollo’s roomy 

and spacious new patio. But was that the 

adorable Ted Kirby I spied exercising his 

buccinator muscles using the osculatory 

approach with Christopher Lafayette in 

the lavatory recently? Yes, I’m delicately 

trying to tattle: those two were making out 

in the bathroom! Really, now! Now, boys, 

do you know what actually goes on in 

the loo? Modesty and propriety forbid my 

elaboration, but next time you might want 

to take it to the backseat of a Pontiac next 

time. I’m here to help, honey. I am. 

Phoenix Pride celebrated the best of the 

holiday season with a holly-jolly buffet and 

party at their offi ces. They help everybody 

by celebrating and promoting the history, 

courage, diversity and future of Phoenix’s 

96 

GLBT community. Recently appointed 

Executive Director Brandi Sokolosky 

was there with the ubiquitous Don 

Hammill. Other merrymakers included 

Regina Gazelle and the irrepressible 

Julie Roberts Development Coordinator 

from Equality Arizona. And I’ll be darned 

if it wasn’t do, re, mi, fa la la la la, ooh 

la la Marc Gaston, songbird and music 

director of the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s 

Chorus. Our very own mayor, Hizzonah 

Phil Gordon came racing through to 

press the fresh and have a nosh on some 

of the tasty canapes and hors d’oeuvres. 

No doubt the real attraction was rubbing 

elbows with Richard Stevens. But then 

again, isn’t it always? 

Subjects, verbs, 

predicates, direct 

objects and 

dangling participles 

knelt on bended 

knee for the arrival 

of the rhinestone 

crowned and 

bewigged heads 

of the Unilever 

Products Imperial 

Margarine Court with a third less fat than 

regular butter fl avored Imperial Courts. 

The rich, creamy, smooth aristocats 

included a top-hatted Prince Joseph 

Brumley, Marquis Steven Bloom, 

Emperor Michael Gaffney and Empress 

Julie Craig who arrived with somebody’s 

babies on her back, swathed in a fl oor 

length sable. Fur is murder! To clean, 

that is. After issuing a lengthy edict and 

imperial proclamation, they disappeared 

into the winter night with their coach and 

four. Or maybe it was a Chrysler. I’m not 

sure. 

As 2007 ends, not with a bang, but a 

whimper, join me in welcoming 2008 

and a wish for peace in the world, 

prosperity, joy and the prospect of a new, 

inclusive, special interest-free presidential 

administration. Say something nice to 

someone this new year. If you will, I will. 

Addison DeWitt really only wants to live in peace, love 

and harmony with everybody. Or at least pretend to. It 

sounds good, anyway. You can make friends with Addison 

in 2008. Send him news and tell him fi lthy, dirty secrets. 

Write to him at RumorHound@aol.com 

97

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