24 Seven March 2018

DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO: THE DANGER OF MIXES MESSAGES
Do as I say, not as I do. As a child, I heard
this phrase a number of times from my
parents. At the time I thought it was
great advice. Now I recognize it for what
it is — an admission that our actions do
not always meet the high standards of
the words we speak.
A coaching tool I use with clients is the
‘Values Assessment’. There is a list of
words representing a variety of values
or principles we hold dear (persistence,
curiosity, honesty, compassion, creativity,
cleanliness, good health, etc.). If you
were doing this activity, you would rate
them two ways, on a scale of 1-10:
1) How important is this principle to you?
2) How well are you living it? Do you walk
the talk?
Some numbers match up, some do not.
And for the ones that do not, it is either
a wake up call to take that value more
seriously, or else it is recognition that
maybe that principle is not quite as
important as you thought. Finally, you
would identify the five values you feel are
most important for your children to have,
and live by.
It is a useful exercise. The assessment
can identify areas where you are not
walking the talk, when what you say and
what you do are not in sync. When it
comes to parenting, it is critical for these
numbers to be as close as possible. One
thing I know for sure: your kids can spot
a double standard a mile away and will
never take you seriously if you have a
different (lower) expectation for yourself
than you do for them.
Where are you on the scales? How about
the cleanliness scale? I may complain
about my kids, but the truth is that ‘neat
and tidy’ doesn’t come easily for me.
While it is okay for me to light a fire
under them, I have to light it under me,
too.
What about the ‘truth scale’? That’s a
tougher one. The truth seems to come
in multiple shades of color, and things
are rarely black or white. And it is not
as if you work towards being open and
honest and voila! One day you are as
truthful and honest as you are ever
going to be. This includes the big area
of emotional honesty, something we all
grapple with. The truth of a situation
when you are happy can feel very
different from when you are tired and
overwhelmed.
Let’s face it: your kids are watching
everything you do, noticing the good
stuff and the inconsistencies. They learn
things from you that you are not even
aware of. You are their most important
teacher and, like it or not, aware or
not, you are always in teaching mode.
Give your best, conscious effort to
teaching what you really want them
to know, and you will be high up on
the integrity scale. (Yes, that word is
most definitely on the values list!).
Fern Weis is a parent empowerment coach and family recovery coach, specializing in supporting parents who are struggling with their
teen and young adult children. She helps parents create a relationship based on trust, have healthy boundaries, and improve
communication skills so they can confidently prepare their children to reach their potential and thrive through life’s challenges.
www.fernweis.com