porcus - sappo

Pondering Points
Have a great one!
This seems to be one of the compulsory
clichés that plague the TV
announcers. More often than not, it
comes from the weather forecasters
who, with fi xed smiles on their
happy faces, predict the fl oods,
winds, excessive heat waves and
crop failures that we are sort of
used to around here.
So, although it is already March, it is the
fi rst chance for PP to look at the year
ahead with a few irreverent predictions,
in the hope that we will in fact, have a
better one than some unimaginative
pessimists expect. (Some fundi, by the
way, made ten serious predictions for
2011 and scored zero, so one can’t be
worse than that – except to be equally
wrong and then give bad advice).
What about:
• The universe and a bigger than ever
Bang? The creator, wherever he/
she/it/they/the force is now, borrows
the Hubble telescope, sees
to the end of the universe, doesn’t
think much of it, hits the delete button
and starts again;
• Same creator rather likes the swirls
and colours that light up the outer
reaches, but doesn’t see much
point in continuing with the odd little
solar system stuck away in a corner
of the milky way, especially how the
human population is messing up its
piece of it, re-arranges the continental
plates to leave a lot of big gaps
in the mantle, liberating enough hot
stuff to cook the surface and start
again on 22 December.
Supposing we are permitted to carry
on in a forgiving universe, how about:
• World politics: Obama and Gingritch
form a new party called the New
Age Treaty or NATs which takes on
38
the Soviet Allied Paupers or SAPS,
only to lose the world election to the
Asian Normalising Confederation
or ANC, which implodes as a result
of over consumption of sushi and
Johnny Walker.
• World economics: All the thieving
bankers who caused the last
depression are tried, found guilty
and transported to another planet
where they are soon seen taking
cowrie shells from little green people
for nonexisting tree houses.
OK, more regionally then:
• Robert Mugabe organises an election,
loses it, admits it, loses his
marbles, his people admit it, and
put him into a home for the bewildered.
Tsvangirai takes over; within
a year the Zimbabweans want
Mugabe back – only partly because
he has had a brain transplant—a
new but usually successful Korean
technique.
Right at home with more mundane
prophesies:
• Our president invites the Dalai Lama
for an offi cial visit but eventually
has to make his own buttered tea
StuDy GrouP
because Internal Affairs loses the
application forms and can’t fi nd
them in time;
• The president reads a speech to
himself before giving it in public
leaving us with the unnerving feeling
that this is the fi rst time he’s seen it;
• We have a cabinet re-shuffl e and
end up with a Minister of Agriculture
who knows more about producing
food than politics. The government
discovers that, if South African
farmers are given some insightful
help and the opportunity to mentor
emerging farmers without handing
over fertile ground and herds
to untrained learners, we will be
able to feed all our people a healthy
balanced diet including a lot of pork
(can a billion Chinese be wrong?)
and have plenty to spare.
Final prediction and advice, good or bad:
• This world is not going to end
this year and is the only world
we have. So don’t sell the family
farm and spend all the proceeds
on a world cruise, you know
what can happen to cruise
ships!
Have a great one!
Porcus January/February 2012