A thematic comparative review of some English translations of the ...

If such teachings are understood in the light of the collective injunctions of Islam and
the overall Prophetic ideals and traditions, we find that the real spirit of the marital
relationship is shaped by the sentiments of "affection" and "compassion" and the
obligations of "patronage," so that the governing factors in such a relationship are
"affection, compassion, and benevolence." 190
Should marital disputes arise, the Qur'an encourages couples, as a first step, to resolve
them privately in a spirit of fairness and decency. If the problem relates to the wife's
behavior, her husband who is responsible for the maintenance, protection, and overall
leadership (qiwwamah) of the family within the framework of consultation and
kindness, should follow the following procedure that is the essence of verse 4:34:
Step 1: admonish them (the disobedient wives)
Step 2: refuse to share their beds
Step 3: eventually "chastise" them
According to this procedure, when the wife shows the signs of disaffection and
defiance, the Qur'an ordains the husband to counsel, plead with, and perhaps
admonish her as a first step. This will give him ample opportunity to communicate his
concerns, clarify the differences, explore the possible solutions, demonstrate his keen
interest in maintaining their marriage on equitable terms, and eventually to make clear
the potentially unpleasant outcome of divorce.
Therefore, to resolve any marital discord that she might exacerbate by overrating her
sexual appeal or his affection or desire for her, the initial effort emphasizes dialogue,
exchange, and advice so as to restore her to reason and rationality. Thus
communication and dialogue are the first steps that should be undertaken toward
resolving any marital discord, rather than the wife resorting to her feminine appeal
and the sexual needs of her husband. Yet, if she does not heed such counsel out of
ignorance or arrogance, it is then deemed necessary for the husband to proceed further
along this route, that is, to take a different action, rather than merely counselor
admonish. At this point, he should "refuse to share her bed," as a second step that
190 Abdulhamid Abusulaiman, ,\1arital Dis('urd: Recapturing the Full Islamic Spirit of Humall Dignity.
lilT, London, 2003, p. 10.