JGA SEPT-OCT 08 - The Jewish Georgian

September-October 2008 THE JEWISH GEORGIAN Page 19
In the terrible old summertime
(a spoof to spook you)
I
can remember those good old days of
summer, when the produce was flowing
into the vegetable and fruit markets and
we gorged ourselves on juicy, red tomato
sandwiches made with goyishe white bread
and slathered with Kraft mayonnaise. And
how about the fiery hot sauce, made with
fresh jalapeno peppers, with which we saturate
our Mexican food? What has happened
to those glorious, hazy, lazy days of summer?
We all know too well what’s happened.
The Consumer Destruction Conspiracy
(CDC), with the salmonella scare, has terrorized
our country. The first culprits were
round, luscious, red tomatoes. They were
alleged to harbor the insidious viruses that
caused a national panic. Even though the
casualties of this minor epidemic were few
in number, the CDC wreaked economic disaster
on the tomato growers of this country.
After agonizing months of laboratory
research seeking the source of this scourge,
the CDC narrowed down the location of the
culprit virus and reassured us it was safe to
eat homegrown tomatoes. We were somewhat
pacified, because everyone knew
there’s nothing that tastes better than a
homegrown tomato. But that was not the
end of the problem. How were we to produce
homegrown tomatoes when we were
in the middle of a two-year drought in the
Southeast United States? And even if we
could grow our own tomatoes, we now had
a mindset that took away our appetite for
tomato sandwiches.
The country was in a near tomato panic
by the time the CDC came up with a solution.
They had to shift the blame for the salmonella
scare to another source. Thus was
born the jalapeno indictment. Mexican
BY
Leon
Socol
restaurants were in a panic. The huge
Hispanic population of the United States
was faced with the stark realization that
future salsa would be bland, devoid of the
burning sensation they had come to know
and love.
We were all asking, “When will this
end?” Many thought this was a gigantic plot
by the CDC to guarantee almost unlimited
funding from the federal government to
continue their snail’s-pace exploration of
future viral threats.
So what will be the next big bug scare?
It’s coming folks, and it will dwarf the pepper
and tomato scares. It will be corn rust!
Many of you have never heard of corn rust,
but the corn farmers of this country know
what it is. It’s the formation of rust-appearing
substances that attack corn and destroy
it. Imagine what that’s going to do to the
corn-derived ethanol that enhances and
extends our gasoline supplies. Our autos
and fuel-consuming machines will come to
a grinding halt. The CDC will continue its
slow-paced search for the origins of this
new culprit, while enhancing its congressional
appropriations for its operation budget.
Thousands will lose their jobs, but no
one from the CDC will lose theirs.
The prospect of this disaster has completely
dampened my hopes for a happy,
sunny summer. I think I’ll just drink a big
can of V-8 and end it all.
To eat or
not to
eat? That
is the
question.
Savvy
shopper
tries to
decide.