Collection 4 THE NORTH

158
COLUMN: HERR VON KEIL SAYS
“Please mind the prat between the train and the platform.”
“Step back please!”, the loudspeaker voice of tin is yelling at me.
Well I would, if I could.
I am standing in the U5 towards Hönow, it is shortly after 9pm and the metro is so packed that
I can barely move. Doesn’t seem to be bothering the man behind me who is breathing happily
down my neck, his deepest rotten breath.
Text by Magnus Von Keil www.vonkeil.com
Same goes for the completely intoxicated group of
tourists from Southern Germany right next to me,
all the pushing isn‘t getting to them at all: shouting
out lame jokes across the wagon, while the snow
melting off the umbrella of the bloke in front of me is
soaking my shoes.
Even though I feel the urge to free exponential
aggression rising, I attempt to escape this merciless
scenario, at least in thought. As I note a particularly
smeary grease impression on the battered windowpane,
I stare out into the darkness of the underground.
How you wish yourself far, far away at moments
like this! Away from street dirt, shit on the pavements
and drunk, partying tourists. Further away
than the U5 could ever take you...to a place where
you regain space, peace and finally a perspective; a
view free of ugly concrete blocks and oversized Fastfood
billboards. But as it is, I live in Berlin – a city
in which you are never alone.
This is basically the reason why you live here: after
all. It is filled with people of progressive thoughts,
people who want to move things, even if only from
the pub next door. It is filled with people who are
gladly playing music for free, sometimes during
the night or right by your bedroom window. But it
seems, there are also those people who apparently
purely exist here just to get on all the other people‘s
nerves.
Anyone who has ever played “Super
Mario Bros” will surely remember
the Thwomps. The Thwomps
are big, spiky boulders, apparently
just pointlessly hanging from the
ceiling but falling just at the right
moment when Mario stands directly
underneath one. And this is exactly the type
of people who can turn anybody‘s life into living
hell: Boulderpeople.
Boulderpeople are those who during rush hour,
push their dirty bikes or kids buggy into the hope-