The Wall That Heals - Fullerton Observer

Residents Allowed to
Place Parking Meters
in Front of Homes
Faced by fiscal restraints, the city has
decided to turn sidewalks and streets over
the homeowners whose residences face
upon those streets. Since the streets exist
upon easements on the homeowners
property, the city is simply returning to
the homeowners that which is rightfully
theirs. Recognizing that this may be a
financial burden on some homeowners,
the city has decided to allow residents to
install parking meters in front of their
homes to help pay for the upkeep of their
portion of the street and sidewalk.
Residents will be able to form neighborhood
associations to realize some economy
of scale in making street repairs.
Also, police services will be turned over
to neighborhood watch associations.
It is possible that these neighborhood
associations will join together and form a
mega-association. It will be called a City.
Fake Grass Field Closed
Although year-round all-weather play
was one of its selling points, in order to
prevent wear and tear leading to an early
replacement of the $13.4 million dollar
fake grass investment at Lions Field, the
field will be closed to all but one sports
team per year.
by Bossy Mann
The Fulfill Fullerton Funding
Federation (ffff, more formerly
known as “fuff”), will be circulating
petitions to solicit signatures for a
ballot measure to permit slot
machines in selected places in
Fullerton to reduce the tax burden
under which the city now struggles.
For the city this proposal cannot
and should not be seen as gambling
inasmuch as it is a sure winner.
The machines will be allowed in
grocery stores, restaurants, City Hall
and other venues where people go to
dispose of their funds according to
their shopping lists and whims of the
moment.
Slots will entertain patients in hospital,
doctor, and dentist waiting
rooms and barbershops where waiting
customers have time to kill and
are bored with reading out-of-date
magazines that they’d never otherwise
read even if they were in-date.
With proper rules regarding the
use of slots, a day in a jury pool can
FullertownO
♥
♥ ♥
btruser
FULLERTOWN’S ONLY REAL NEWS • est.1800 (printed on .0001% recycled paper) • Volume 3400 #600 • APRIL FIRST 2102
A Modest Fiscal Proposal for
Limited Legalized Gambling in Fullerton
be seen by anyone as something to
look forward to.
In public buildings they will be
restricted to lobbies, atria and foyers
so as not to interfere with official
duties. Public servents will be prohibited
from playing while on duty
except at coffee and lunch breaks.
The machines will be allowed only
in those public restrooms with multiple
stalls for reasons of space and
sanitary conditions.
The city will maintain a licensing
monopoly as a first line of defense
against organized crime and other
atempts to muscle in.
Clearly, the success of this venture
will rest on the good will, common
sense, honesty and anti-taxation sentiments
of the citizens of Fullerton,
but the proponents of this proposal
see an abundant fountain of all of
these virtues in the populace.
Remember the fuff motto: “Why
pay for civic solvency when you can
get it free and have fun at the same
time?”
Remember to sign the petition
BELOW: THE ONLY REAL THING ON THE PAGE. SEE YOU THERE!!
Reporter Zapped by Shrink-Ray
Reporter Kay Jacuse (pictured above) was zapped by a Shrink-Ray as she
attempted to hitchhike on a Tonka Truck. The truck had 46 wheels, each taller
than most humans after they have been Shrink-Rayed. The truck was in the
process of hauling a 340-ton pebble from its desert home under the cactus to the
other side of the backyard where it will be transformed into a work of art and
installed over an earthquake fault. The trip cost $11 million in corporation
Monopoly money, which will be gained back through hefty tax cuts and several
red hotels, according to Kay’s grandson who was directing traffic at the time.
and be sure to vote for this win-win proposal.
And give some thought to volunteering as a
solicitor. Good fuffers are hard to find.
Pending final formulation of the ballot measure,
public comment can be emailed to
www.lowcostcivicpride.fic.
THE EDITOR:
At left
a portrayal
of the editor
at work
by her
youngest
child Zac.
INSIDE
New CSUF President
Donates Half of her
$324,500 Salary to
Scholarships...................page 23
Arboretum to Grow Medical MJ
to be Dispensed at the Historic
Doctor’s House..............page 26
Trader Joe's Considers a
Move Downtown siting
a mesh with its parking
requirements..................page 29
CALENDAR Page 13-15
Council Votes to
Ban Bars Downtown
Recognizing that the plethora of bars in the
downtown area and the problems that they
cause are costing the city too much money, the
Council has voted to ban all bars in the downtown
area. A separate “bar district” will be
established along Placentia Avenue, an area
that can be policed by University Police, and
where most of the problems will affect the city
of Placentia. City staff estimates that this will
save several million dollars in enforcement and
clean-up costs.
This action however will leave many vacant
spaces downtown. To fill those spaces the city
is seeking ways to encourage the most thriving
enterprise in Fullerton, namely tattoo parlors.
Believing that this is an underappreciated art
form, the Council has approved a measure
instructing staff to submit applications to the
National Endowment for the Arts to sponsor
juried exhibitions as well as scholarships for
aspiring artists.
PARAPROSDOKIANS*
forwarded to the paper
by Gary Jeene’s cousin
•A bus station is where a bus stops. A train
station is where a train stops. On my desk, I
have a work station.
•Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag
you down to his level and beat you with experience.
•Evening news is where they begin with
“Good Evening,” and then proceed to tell you
why it isn't.
•To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.
•To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
•Light travels faster than sound. This is why
some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
•If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
•The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But
it's still on my list.
•Hospitality is making your guests feel at
home even when you wish they were.
•How is it that it takes one match to start a
forest fire and a whole box to start a campfire?
•War does not determine who is right - only
who is left.
•Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
•I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just
wanted paychecks.
•Whenever I fill out an application, in the
part that says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I
put “DOCTOR.”
• “If I am reading this graph correctly, I
would be very surprised.” - Steven Colbert
•Women will never be equal to men until
they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
•Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually
another woman.
•A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy
memory.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money
if you can prove you don’t need it.
•When tempted to fight fire with fire,
remember that the Fire Department usually
uses water.
•“‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’
thought Caw.” - Jack Handey
•Why do Americans choose from just two
people to run for president and 50 for Miss
America?
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech
in which the latter part of a sentence
or phrase is surprising or unexpected.