You know you're a drunk when... - I Want a BUZZ

the lamp shade award
The Dos and Don’ts of Holiday Office Parties
Unless you are a non-contributor to society, which you may be if you are reading
this magazine, you have a job and therefore have been to office parties. You no
doubt have witnessed someone making a jerk out of themselves or you yourself
have been seen doing something regrettable. At my first out-of-college office
party, I ended up smoking pot with my boss’ husband outside the restaurant. Not
only did that piss her off, she now had probable cause to fire my stupid butt.
Luckily, her husband worked for us too, so my job was safe. Here are several hints
that can help you keep your job and your dignity. Much like your virginity, you will
never get these back.
DO wear office appropriate garb. Unless you work in a bar or a strip club, tone
down your outfit. Otherwise, I’d say dress as scandalously as you please. However,
for this event, your comptroller doesn’t need to know that you like to show off
your hairy chest wearing loud polyester shirts with the buttons four too many undone.
DON’T drink to excess. I cannot stress this one enough. If this party serves
alcohol, watch your intake. Eggnog may be a delicious and frothy holiday treat,
but eggnog regurgitated on your boss’ loafers after you hit on his wife, well, that’ll
cost ya’.
DO make sure your date is up to speed on the office personnel details.
If the owner of your company has a lazy eye or a huge mole on her
face, warn your date ahead of time. Sadly, we are not well-mannered
creatures and you don’t want to get extra work on Monday because
your boyfriend couldn’t quit staring like a deer in headlights at
your boss’ abnormality.
DON”T go in the copy room. 500 copies of your ass plastered
all over the office is not a good idea. Not only could a stunt
like this get you fired for sexual harassment, no woman will
want to go near you. All
you’ll end up with is
no job and a nickname like
Dingleberry.
DO mingle. There is
nothing worse
than a wallflower. You don’t have to have detailed conversations with every
attendee, however, you should at the very least, just get in a few breezy words
with the powers that be, especially in a large corporation. I realized in college,
that I got better grades if I introduced myself to the professor. The same rule
applies to the workforce. Who do you think will get a promotion, the guy who
plays with himself in the corner all night or the guy who’s name is known?
DON’T sing karaoke unless you really have a voice like Celine Dion or at
least Dion Warwick. No matter how beautiful you may think your version of
Silent Night sounds, be honest with yourself. Most professional singers have
a hard time with hitting the notes of that holiday favorite and honey you are
no professional. This will surely land you in the butt of jokes at the Monday
morning water cooler.
DO thank your host/hostess before you check out. Make sure it is apparent that
you appreciate all of the work that went into the planning process. Granted,
if you had been in charge of decorating, you may not have gone the route of a
papier-mâché snowman, but some poor fool put a lot of heart and tears into the
carrot nose.
DON’T drink and drive. Not only could the company be held liable
should anything happen to you while driving home sloshed from
the party, it looks extremely irresponsible should you
survive your stupidity.
DO enjoy yourself! Just make sure you don’t end up
with a lamp shade on your desk the following Monday.
Written By: Courtney Nichols
18 You know you’re a drunk when...
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