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Special Focus:
Writing Persuasively
The discussion then moved to the topic of revision. Every group generated their longest
list of suggestions as conversation about revision ensued. Aside from the usual jokes,
the revision suggestions were cogent. While each group noted that the essay needed to
focus more on articulating an argument than crafting a story, there were many viable
suggestions for redeeming an essay that had missed its mark. Several students noted that
the final sentence of the first paragraph—“The Morgan horse, America’s first original
breed of horse, is bred to be a great athelete [sic], and bloodlines are carefully analyed
[sic] to insure the best possible offspring”—actually sets up the issue; it just needs some
recrafting. Other suggestions for revisions included:
• Shift the essay to focus on the issue of honesty and the verification of bloodlines
(the solution could be a form of sophisticated testing).
• Focus on the issue of owners as victims of false breeding information.
• Because the breeder lied, there is a possibility for developing an argument
about ethics.
• The writer could have used this topic/example as a means of exploring the
integrity of organized horse racing.
• Whose responsibility is it to know the veracity of the breed? Who is to blame?
Should the association be sued?
• Consider this as an example of the greater issue: honor in today’s world.
• Provide more concise and focused background information in the
first paragraph.
• Focus more on opposing arguments than on narrative in the introduction.
• Conclude by voicing opinion, compromise, and solution.
As we concluded our discussion of the essay, the sensitivity of the students toward
an unfortunate writing sample as well as toward the process of crafting and revising
became more evident. One student remarked that he remembered “feeling pretty good
about that question” after completing the 2004 AP English Language Examination
but now wondered how he really had done. That this exercise in revision ended with
thoughtful consideration was affirming. So often exercises in revision that are not oneon-one
conferences focused directly on a student’s draft are exercises in frustration—for
the teacher who is troubled by her students’ certainty that those obvious problems in
someone else’s work would never occur in their own, and for the students who are
disengaged from the revisionary processes.
Why did the exercise work? AP students are competitive and are generally interested
in ways to improve their reading and writing. However, in this instance, ironically the
strength of the unsuccessful student’s voice (it did, after all, engage a class of busy,
AP® English Language and Composition: 2006–2007 Workshop Materials 21