PHT June 2011_Jan 10 - UK Faculty of Public Health

‘
THE FINAL WORD
’ “Great idea, Prime Minister...” Michael White
overhears a conversation that might (or might not)
have taken place recently at Number 10
“MORNING all. Anyone in this office seen
Andrew Lansley lately? I’ve been trying to
track him down for ages, but he seems to
have switched off his mobile since we
agreed on the NHS pause.”
“I saw him the other day, Prime Minister.
He was looking very confident, despite all
the strain which the Health and Social Care
Bill must be causing him. He’s got a nice
tan too – not what you’d expect in the
circumstances.”
“Good-oh. I don’t want my coalition
ministers wandering around looking
miserable, certainly not the Tory ones. We
can’t have them all looking like a bunch of
Gordon Browns, can we? That would never
do.”
“No, Prime Minister, it wouldn’t. What
exactly did you want to talk to the
Secretary of State about?”
“Why the Bill, of course. Andrew and I
are old pals, we go a long way back to the
days when I used to make his tea for him
in the Conservative Research Department.
So we’re going to have a heart-to-heart
about how to save the situation by giving
Nick Clegg a bit of leeway on this NHS
reform stuff I keep talking about.”
“But I thought you said in your latest
speech that not pressing ahead with
reform is not an option, that we have so
many old people piling up outside every
hospital gate that the NHS will be £20
billion short before you can say Derek
Wanless.”
“Well, yes. I did. Quite right too. Sam is
always badgering me about the NHS
deflator over the breakfast table. But a
chap has to keep his coalition afloat as
well as press ahead with the reforms vital
to creating a Britain that is vibrant, modern
and fair. “
“But Oliver Letwin vetted Mr Lansley’s
white paper after the initial uproar and
Quite frankly,
Andrew’s
communication skills
leave something to
be desired. He
couldn’t sell ice cream ‘in the desert
‘
declared it ‘intellectually coherent’, Prime
Minister. He’s frightfully clever; everyone
says so.”
“Indeed, a first-rate brain has Oliver. I
used to make his toast at Eton, but he
always let it go cold. That’s not the
problem. Quite frankly, Andrew’s
communications skills leave something to
be desired. He couldn’t sell ice cream in
the desert. So, every time we think we’ve
lined up a few friendly medics to smile
supportively for the TV cameras, up pops
another bunch of medics waving their
wretched shrouds.”
“What have you in mind, sir?”
“Well. I thought we might go a bit easy
on getting rid of these alphabet soups:
PCTs, SHAs – I’m blowed if I can remember
what the letters stand for. Move the
goalposts back a bit and open up these
GP-led consortia. Put a few hospital
cleaners on the board, that sort of thing.
We mustn’t sound too elitist, eh?”
“Very good, Prime Minister. I’ll have a
word with my opposite number in the
Secretary of State’s private office. Was
there anything else Mr Clegg wants
changed?”
“Apparently, this new economic
regulator – ‘Monica’ I think it’s called – is
upsetting people. Andrew told me it would
be fine, but I was having a bad day. Nick
wants him to take away most of its
powers, and I want Nick to be happy. “
“Very good, Prime Minister.”
“And another thing: Monica. It’s a silly
name. Can’t we call it ‘Samantha’?”
Michael White
Assistant Editor and former Political
Editor
The Guardian
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