When Someone Dies - Dealing with Grief

WHEN SOMEONE DIES
DEALING WITH GRIEF
WHAT IS GRIEF
Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. The loss may be due to death, change
in relationships or status, or environmental. Anyone can experience grief or loss; it can be sudden or
expected. Grief is a normal and universal response to loss. Each of us, however, may experience loss
differently based on our upbringing and personalities. While common elements exist in the grieving
process, there are no fixed formulas or schedules to which we must conform. Accepting the loss is an
important healthy step toward a healthy grief process.
NORMAL GRIEF REACTIONS
When experiencing grief, it is common to feel…
Like you are “going crazy”
Unable to focus or concentrate
Irritable or angry (at the deceased, oneself, others, higher powers)
Frustrated or misunderstood
Anxious, nervous, or fearful
Like you want to “escape”
Guilt or remorse
Ambivalence
Numbness
STAGES OF GRIEF
The grieving process usually consists of the following stages. Note that not everyone goes through
these stages, nor is this process linear, but is more often experienced in cycles. Patience with the
process and allowing feelings to come without judgment will be important as you go through it.
Denial and Shock
o This serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss.
o Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with
“lack of caring.”
o Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact
of this loss and accompanying feelings.
Bargaining
o At times, individuals may ruminate about what could have been done to
prevent the loss.

o Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better,
imaging all the things that will never be.
o This reaction can provide insight into the impact of the loss; however, if not properly
resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing process.
Depression
o After recognizing the true extent of the loss, some individuals may experience
depressive symptoms.
o Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells
are some typical symptoms.
o Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation and self-pity can also surface during this
phase, contributing to this reactive depression.
o For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.
Anger
o This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.
o Anger may result from feeling abandoned, occurring in cases of loss through death.
o Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s higher power or toward life in
general for the injustice of this loss.
o After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expressing these
negative feelings.
o Again, these feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief.
Acceptance
o Acceptance does not mean happiness. Instead you accept and deal with the reality of
the situation.
o Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that
surface.
o Individuals may return to some of the earlier feelings throughout one’s lifetime.
o There is no time limit to the grieving process. Each individual should define one’s
own healing process.
FACTORS THAT MAY HINDER THE HEALING PROCESS:
Avoidance or minimization of one’s emotions.
Use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate
Use of work (overfunction at workplace) to avoid feelings.
WAYS TO COPE WITH DEATH AND DYING
Allow time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to self.
Acknowledge and accept all feelings, both positive and negative.
Use a journal to document the healing process.
Confide in a trusted individual; tell the story of the loss.
Express feelings openly. Crying offers a release.
If your religious convictions are important to you, talk to a member of the clergy about your
beliefs and thoughts.

Join a support group.
Take good care of yourself. Eat well-balanced meals. Get plenty of rest.
Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal. Some days will be better than others.
If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, seek professional help.
BEING HELPFUL TO ANOTHER DURING A TIME OF GRIEF
Communicate your concern for the other person
…initiate conversation, listen, and be willing to talk about the loss
Be available. Avoid using the pharse “I know just how you feel.”
…Let the person know that you are available, if needed
Be supportive but do not attempt to “make them feel better”
…It is important that the individual is be allowed to “feel” whatever feelings arise
Avoid making judgments about how a person should be feeling during their grief
…People express their thoughts and emotions in a variety of ways
Acknowledge the difficulties in having easy answers to the hard questions about life
…Affirm the appropriateness of questions and encourage conversation
Remember the importance of anniversaries, celebrations, and activities
…Be sensitive to the memories special occasions and activities hold for the person
Reaffirm the value of your relationship
…Be mindful of the importance in various types of relationships
Be sensitive to the cyclic nature of the grief process
…Be patient. Remember that grief can appear to come and go for no apparent reason
If symptoms of depression are very severe or persistent and the grieving individual is not
coping with day to day activities, encourage that individual to get professional help.
RECOMMENDED READING
Death, The Final Stage of Growth. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1975 Kubler-Ross,
Elisabeth.
On Death and Dying. New York: MacMillan, 1969 Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth.
When Bad Things Happen to Good People. New York: Schocken Books, 1981 Kushner, H.S.
WHERE TO TURN FOR HELP
‣ Counseling Services
Lake Washington Technical College
To make an appointment to see a counselor, call 425-739-8300 or visit West Building,
Room 207
‣ 2-1-1 (Community Resource Line)
You can call this information line to find out about support groups in your community, lowcost
counseling centers, and many other resources.
Created by Counseling Services at LWTC