Ali Sina - Understanding Muhammad

Understanding Muhammad
Khadijah’s father was overly protective of her and had high
expectations for her. From his reaction to the marriage of his 40-year-old
daughter to an ordinary man and his words saying “the greatest men of
Mecca have asked for you and I have not agreed,” it is clear that Khadijah
was the apple of his eye. Khuwaylid had other children too, including a
few sons, but it is clear that this daughter was his pride and joy. She was
his only accomplished offspring.
Children who are adored and placed on a pedestal by their needy
parents grow in their shadow. They often develop codependency
personality disorder. They become obsessed with their father (or mother)
and see their function as making their parents look good in the eyes of the
outsiders. They are expected to be the “wunderkind,” and they strive to
live upto that expectation and not disappoint their parents.
Under the constant demand for better performance, the child
becomes unable to develop her own independent personality. She seeks
her fulfillment in satisfying the needs of her perfectionist and narcissistic
parent. She does not feel loved for WHO she is, but rather for HOW she
performs. The alcoholic parent unloads his own emotional baggage on his
children, especially on the one with more potential. He expects her to
excel in everything and to make up for his own failures.
Codependents cannot find fulfillment and happiness in normal and
emotionally healthy relationships that can happen only among equals. Only
in the capacity of caregivers and pleasers can codependents find their
happiness. The “perfect” match for the codependent is a needy narcissist.
Khadijah rejected her successful and mature suitors, falling in love
with a poor young man who was both emotionally and financially needy.
Codependents confuse love and pity. They have the tendency to love
people they should pity and rescue.
Vaknin uses the term “inverted narcissism” instead of
codependency. Here is what he says about the co-dependent-narcissist
relationship: “The inverted narcissist can only truly FEEL anything when
he is in relationship with another narcissist. The inverted narcissist is
conditioned and programmed from the very beginning to be the perfect
companion to the narcissist - to feed their Ego, to be purely their
extension, to seek only praise and adulation if it brings greater praise and
adulation to the narcissist.” 113
113 http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html
76