Rosh Hashana 5770/2009 - Jewish Infertility

lssue 61/Fall 2009 

22 Chizzuk From Within 

An Unusual Proffesion 

36 Rosh Hashanah 

The Holiday Cloaked In Secrecy 

52 A Balance 

By Rebbitzen Faige Twerski

THE COMMITTEE FOR 

H ALACHA & TECHNOLOGY 

W HAT EVERY 

C OUPLE 

E XPERIENCING 

I NFERTILITY 

S HOULD KNOW. 

I N Q U I R E 

about the level of Hashgacha 

allowed in the IVF Center 

of your choice. 

(Inquiries must be made by 

each couple.) 

A Project of A TIME 

Under the Leadership of: 

R’ Benyamin Landau | R’ Hershel Ausch 

R’ Shmuel Meir Katz | R’ Shmuel Feurst 

This program is under the supervision of 

R’ Aron Shmuel Jacobowitz 

Director of Medical Affairs for A TIME. 

Please call 212.260.0790 to set up Hashgacha 

REQUEST 

to have Hashgacha at the 

IVF center must be made by 

the couple. 

N O T I F Y 

the Machon in a timely 

fashion and keep the 

Machon updated about all 

progress. 

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ SUMMER 2009 

2 

The leading Rabbonim with expertise in all halachic issues pertaining to infertility and reproductive medicine are available 

to you through The Committee for Halacha and Technology. These Rabbonim have been educated by the Rabbonim of our 

Machon and by top medical physicians regarding all aspects of fertility treatments and can answer all your halachic inquiries. 

The Committee provides Hashgacha in all major IVF Centers. Under the leadership of R’ Hershel Ausch, R’ Benyamin Landau, 

R’ Shmuel Meir Katz, R’ Shmuel Feurst and R’ Mechel Shteinmetz, these services are available exclusively through The 

Committee. The Committee has done extensive research and has arranged with various specialists to obtain permission for 

Hashgacha during IVF and IUI procedures. It is imperative that each couple call The Committee for Halacha and Technology 

for full details before beginning an IVF or IUI procedure.

Letter from the Editor 

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ FALL 2009 

3 

Dear Friends, 

It’s that time of year again! After a refreshing dose of 

summer vacation, reality pulls us back into the daily routines 

of life without making allowances for our reluctance 

and hesitation. Deep in the innermost resources of our 

hearts, we are all feeling a slight touch of rebellion. We 

might not realize that the twinges of unease are labeled 

thus, and none of us would be ready to acknowledge it – 

yet this is the nature of transition. Why did the summer 

months pass so quickly I’ve been counting down since mid- 

September to my vacation, and now it’s history! These weeks 

in Elul are so…serious. Wouldn’t it be easier to remain in the 

blissful arena of vacation mode 

These ruminations bring to mind a much-adored childhood 

classic which ridicules our foibles in a whimsical setting. 

A little red chicken stands outside her hut, sweeping 

the red and orange leaves into neat piles. Tiredly, she leans 

her rake against the fence and wipes the sweat from her 

forehead. “Oh, if only it would be winter already!” she exclaims. 

“These leaves present so much hard work! I can’t 

wait until the fall season passes.” The next episode depicts 

our little red chicken shoveling mounds of snow and complaining 

about the backbreaking labor. “Oh, if only spring 

would arrive!” 

Spring arrives, and the capricious chicken is noisily voicing 

her displeasure at the endless weeding and planting. She 

cannot wait for the summer months to make their appearance. 

And what happens when summer finally visits her 

land “Oh, this heat is unbearable!” the little chicken cries 

petulantly. “When will the beautiful fall season arrive at my 

doorstep” 

We would be loath to admit our similarities to this little 

red chicken, but how many times have we swallowed comments 

similar to hers The deciding factor is our focus; our 

attitude. Do we choose to focus on the mounds of leaves 

and unbearable heat, or do we allow ourselves to notice the 

snow’s pristine beauty and the breathtaking wonder of budding 

blossoms 

As Rabbi Spero writes so eloquently in his introduction 

about the bygone year, “A year filled with tragedy and triumph, 

highs and lows, heartache and joy…” This year was 

a composite of numerous events, both on a personal as well 

as a communal level. Our nation was inundated with shocking 

revelations, tragedies and heartache. And yet, on the 

other side of the scale rests a towering mountain of joy and 

jubilation. How many simchos have we celebrated in the 

past twelve months How many smiles have adorned our 

faces as we made our way along the twists and turns How 

many obstacles have been transformed into stepping stones 

whilst we victoriously preserved our innate optimism and 

good cheer 

Consider the plight of a caterpillar encased in its protective 

cocoon. Time marches on, and the caterpillar slowly 

transforms into a beautiful butterfly. It beats its wings 

against the walls of the cocoon, desperate to be released. 

Observing its futile attempts, we might be tempted to cut 

through the protective outer layer, thus allowing the young 

butterfly to fly away unfettered. However, if the cocoon is 

cut through too early, that beautiful creature will remain

Letter from the Editor 

Although we know that in the bygone months we made 

mistakes and sometimes slipped up, Hashem grants us the 

gift of a second chance. 

handicapped. Its wings will not be strong enough to carry its 

weight, for the act of securing its freedom strengthens its 

muscles. A merciful act on our part would result in the ultimate 

manifestation of cruelty. 

Each of us is encased in our unique, tailor-made cocoons. 

Personal challenges, hurdles and obstacles surround us, interspersed 

with flashes of inspiration and insight. Hashem 

places us inside these cocoons, urging us to strengthen our 

muscles by beating furiously against the protective walls. Do 

we understand the beauty inherent in our existence The 

road to growth has been mapped out clearly for our benefit. 

What lies in our hands is the ability to choose – a premature 

release or the promise of a fortified future. Although we cannot 

decide when our challenges will be resolved, we can view 

them in the proper perspective. These are our strength-training 

exercises; our opportunity to fortify our spiritual muscles. 

Hashem writes the script and expects us to perform center-stage. 

Sometimes, we prove ourselves so capable 

that He asks for an ‘encore’, for another rendition 

of our strength in the face of a storm. 

Chanie Juravel mentions 

an interesting point which struck me with its underlying 

message. Why is it necessary to designate Yom Kippur as 

a day for prayer and repentance after we all observed Rosh 

Hashana in its entirety Isn’t it a seeming repetition 

Rosh Hashana evaluates us based on the thoughts, words 

and actions of the previous year. A perfect calculation is 

made according to the balance of positive and negative 

which we incurred throughout twelve long months. Coming 

to Yom Kippur, we are evaluated with a completely new set 

of scales. We are evaluated based on what we want to become 

in the following year. 

Isn’t that a fascinating insight Yom Kippur is truly a 

golden opportunity. Although we know that in the bygone 

months we made mistakes and sometimes slipped up, 

Hashem grants us the gift of a second chance. If we truly 

want to grow and improve, our earnest motivation will make 

an impression on the Heavenly Court. How wondrous is this 

annual gift, and how much encouragement it offers us at this 

time of year. 

If someone would ask you to assemble a calculator, you 

would probably throw up your hands in instant defeat. ‘Me, 

assemble a calculator Impossible! I don’t know where to 

begin” It’s a perfectly understandable reaction in the face of 

a formidable task. However, if you chance upon the Chinese 

labor force, you would be shocked at the capabilities of a 

Chinese youngster. Despite his youth, he ably assembles one 

calculator after another without perceiving his task 

as anything but mundane. Given the proper 

tools, instructions, and training even a 

young child can accomplish great 

feats. 

We all have the right tools to 

ascend our personal ladders of 

growth. My tools may differ 

from yours, for our tasks and 

tafkidim are comprised of different 

components. Sometimes, a 

small setback could derail our per-

After acknowledging that our lives are filled to the brim 

with blessings; we automatically are moved to thank Him 

for this constant show of benevolence. 


5 

sonal locomotives, causing us to veer off course for a while. 

Just as an insignificant piece of Styrofoam caused the tragic 

demolition of the Challenger and its occupants, small slipups 

can often have glaring repercussions. An attitude that’s 

off kilter may seem like a minor inconvenience, but it can 

actually spell the difference between living and surviving. 

Focusing on the positive aspects of our lives grants us 

the ability to live every moment to the fullest. The proverbial 

glass of water is half-full, but seeing it as such is a conscious 

decision. At times one may be certain that his glass 

is decidedly less than half-full, but this just indicates that 

he’s using the wrong glass. Unrealistic expectations are not 

the proper container to hold life’s blessings. By transferring 

one’s experiences to smaller receptacles, one will be forced 

to admit that his life is overflowing with an abundance of 

blessing. 

As Yehudim, we are endowed with a unique task. The 

word Yehudim can be traced back to two root words – hodaah 

– acknowledging and thanking. After acknowledging 

that our lives are filled to the brim with blessings; with the 

sparkling water of Hashem’s goodness; we automatically are 

moved to thank Him for this constant show of benevolence. 

As I was pulling together my thoughts for this month’s 

edition, I received a moving letter from Yentele Roitenberg. 

The strength of her wondrous attitude and positive focus 

was so clearly discernible, that I couldn’t resist including an 

excerpt of her memo. 

Upon visiting her sister in Ramot Gan, Yentele was surprised 

at the appearance of a nesting bird which never 

showed up so late in the summer season. Delighted with 

the rare opportunity, her husband fulfilled the mitzvah of 

Shiloach Hakan on the Motzei Shabbos of Parshas 

“Sholeiach Teshalach es Ha’Eim”. 

Yentele writes: 

“…The hardest part of all was when mother bird came 

back squawking, crying and flapping angrily. I felt so sorry for 

her. How does she deal with her pain and what does she tell 

her mate, the father bird, and how does he comfort her when 

he has his own pain to deal with How do they console each 

other and does he blame her that she allowed us to fulfill a 

mitzvah in the Torah 

“Forgive us mother bird for the tears and pain we caused. 

Know you fulfill an even greater task than having little fledgling 

babies. I am not just preaching dear bird, I can empathize 

and I am speaking not only to you but also to myself. You 

fulfill an extra special task. Most birds have eggs which hatch 

into young, but you were selected to have tears and prayers 

that go right to the Kissei Hakovod on your little flapping 

wings. You carry not the heavy weight of losing your offspring 

and dreams but the heavy weight of all our Tefillos on 

your wings! Thank You, mother bird! As you rise despite your 

pain, you take along all of our prayers and tears too and teach 

us how to cope as we grope, and to always rise and soar.” 

“…We of course brought our souvenir, our eggs, home 

and as I gently placed them in the glass dish alongside the 

other eggs I thanked Hashem for giving us another reminder 

that yes, like a bird, we can soar and we can rise and we can 

pierce the heavens with our heartfelt cries. This morning, as 

I look through the glass doors into the little glass box and 

see the two extra eggs (much tinier this time!), I imagine 

Hashem looking, peering, gazing in Elul at all the precious 

tears, mitzvos and tefillos that He has stored behind His glass 

doors in His own beautiful dish and the souvenirs He has. 

Like the mother bird He can put aside His own tears and fears 

in this extended Golus and protect us, His children, who are 

waiting for Him “to hatch” golus into Geulah. He has so much 

reward in store for all of us iy”h very soon, may we all be zoche 

to a Kesivah Vechasimoh Tovah and may all of our tefillos for 

all of Klal Yisroel be answered Letovah.” 

As the days of the Yomim Noraim sweep over us, let us 

grasp the stirrings of our rejuvenated attitudes with grace. 

After all, our focus is the sole deciding factor in shaping the 

way we view our lives. Kesivah V’Chasimah Tovah – may we 

merit the blessings of a sweet, happy and healthy year in 

which all our requests are fulfilled l’tovah! 

Malkie Klaristenfeld 

Editor-In-Chief


6 

Main Office: 

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Mrs. Miriam Fishoff /Events Coordinator/205 

Mrs. Chanie Blumenberg /Office Manager/206 

Rabbi Aron S. Jacobowitz /Director of Medical Affairs/207 

Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz /Medical Consultant/208 

Mr. Lazer Mermelstein /CFO/210 

Mr. Chanoch Glick /Graphic Artis/211 

Mrs. Brany Rosen /Director of Member Services/212 

Mrs. Linda Franco /Director of Community/224 

Mrs. Chanie Ostreicher /Hashgocha Coordinator/280 

A TIME, a non-profit organization that supports and educates those in the 

Jewish community experiencing infertility, publishes this newsletter 4 times 

annually (April, June, September, and December). A TIME does not assume 

responsibility for the kashruth or reliability of any product or establishment 

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To Advertise: please call (718) 686-8912 ext. 203. 

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A TIME welcomes your signed letters, articles and poems. All suggestions, 

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address all correspondence to: 

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or email: admin@atime.org 

Services 

24 Hour Hotline • A TIME Publications • Book & Audio Libraries• 

Committee for Halacha & Technology • Family Builder Program• 

Helpline • Individual Therapy • Insurance Advocacy & Support• 

Medical Referrals & Research • Menorah Adoption Project• 

National Medical Conferences • Online Support Network• 

Peer Support • Pregnancy-Loss Support Program• 

Refuah Network • Seminars/Educational Events• 

Shabbos Near The Hospital • Support Groups • Website• 

Weekend Retreats 

Founder & President/Rabbi Shaul Rosen 

CFO/Lazer Mermelstein 

Director of Medical Affairs/Rabbi Aron S. Jacobowitz 

Executive Director of Operations/Rabbi Chaim Heller 

Director of Member Services/Brany Rosen 

Director of Referral Services/Rebbitzen Mindy Landau 

Board of Directors 

Moshe Blum • Naftali Einhorn • Yechiel Eisenstadt • Benyamin Feit• 

Shabsi Fuchs • Rabbi Aron Grossman • Avi Hager • David Jacobowitz • Alter Katz • Rabbi Dovid 

Lefkowitz • Rabbi Sendy Ornstein • Moshe Dov Stern• Rabbi Aron Twersky 

• Rabbi Naftuli Weiss • Shmuel Zafir 

Rabbinical Dean 

Rabbi Binyomin Landau 

Rabbinical Directors 

Rabbi Tzvi Ausch • Rabbi Shmuel Fuerst • Rabbi Shmuel Meir Katz 

Medical Advisory Board 

Samuel Bender, M.D •.Alan Berkeley, M.D. • Mike Berkley, L.Ac., D.A. •Jessica Brown, M.D. • Natan 

Bar-Chama, M.D. • Jerome Check, M.D. •Owen Davis, M.D. • Dan Goldschlag, M.D. • Marc Goldstein, 

M.D. •Richard Grazi, M.D. • Victor Grazi, M.D. • Jamie Grifo, M.D. • Lawrence Grunfeld, M.D. • 

Joshua Hurwitz, M.D, • Nachum Katlowitz, M.D. •Harvey Kleinman, M.D. • Zalmen Levine, M.D. • 

Prof. Bruno Lunenfeld•Ellyn Modell, M.D. • Steven Palter, M.D. • Darius Paduch, M.D. •Andrei 

Rebarber, M.D. • Zev Rosenwaks, M.D. • Carolyn Salafia, M.D. •Daniel Salzman, M.D. • Mark V. 

Sauer, M.D. • Geoffrey Sher, M.D. •Jonathan Schiff, M.D. • Peter Schlegel, M.D. • Sherman Silber, 

M.D. •Michael Silverstein, M.D. • Daniel Stein, M.D. • Andrei Vidali, M.D. •Aaron Weinreb, M.D. 

Support Services Advisory Board 

Sara Barris, Ph.D. • Joy Stimmel, CSW • Myriam Kalchstein, CSW 

Wendy Wasserman, CSW 

Staff 

Staff Advisor/Blimy Steinberg 

Shabbos Near the Hospital Program Coordinators: 

Chaya Kar, Vivienne Moskowitz 

Pregnancy-Loss Program Coordinator/Malkie Klaristenfeld 

Director of Community Outreach/Linda Franco 

Director of Volunteers/Reizy Eigner, Chevy Jacobs 

Director of Gemach Services/Chaya Kar 

Director of Community Affairs/Alter Katz 

Medical Consultant/Vivienne Moskowitz 

Office Manager/Chanie Blumenberg 

Bookkeeper/Chaya Fleischman 

Administrative Assistant/Ruchy Reinman 

Event Coordinator/Miriam Fishoff 

Insurance Advocacy/Raizy Weiss 

Hashgocha/Rabbinical Supervision Coordinator/Chany Ostreicher 

Mailing Coordinator/Gitty Green 

Library Coordinator/Shaindy Blau 

PCOS Events & Services Coordinator/Sara Selengut 

Peer Support Coordinator/Goldie Glauber 

Development Associates/Levi Y. Silverstein 

Helpline Staff 

Helpline Coordinator: Esty Zafir 

Esty Bernstein •Shaindy Blau • Goldie Blum • Shani Feit • Goldie Glauber • Chevy Jacobs • Chaya 

Kar • Devoiry Langsam • Elky Miller • Vivienne Moskowitz • Feigy Schneid • Faigy Singer, RN • 

Miriam Tisser 

Magazine & Publications 

Editor-In-Chief/Malkie Klaristenfeld 

Editor/Malky Levitansky 

Assistant Editor/Devoiry Langsam 

Hebrew/ Yiddish Editor/Yitzchok Ekstein 

Graphic Design/Chanoch Glick

Table of Content 

Table of Contant 

Editorial 

Letter from the Editor 3 

Timeline 8 

Greetings from Sunny Yerushalayim… 10 

British Branching 11 

Chizuk 

14 Wishes and Windows 12 

Seasonal Thoughts 14 

Chizuk from Within 22 

Communication 28 

Hashem’s Garden 30 

The Holy Succah 32 

A Visitor to the Inn 34 

Rosh Hashana 36 

To Forgive and to be forgiven 38 

Together We Stand 44 

Getting in Shape 48 

Daunting Dilemmas 50 

Ask the Expert 52 

Lessons for Life 54 

I Asked.... 55 

Music-Life 56 

On the Wings of the Dove 58 

Relationship 60 

Medical 

A Low-Tech Approach to Fertility 64 

Breaking News 66 

Small Changes Big Gains 68 

Ask the Doctor 70 

10 Perfect Foods 74 

Lingo Guide for Beginners 77 

Forum 80 

A Single Step 87 

8 

87 

10 

70 


7 

A Time was founded in memory of: 

rw hrnhw c”r tvri g”v • rw nrsfh g”v c”r tprho ruzi b”h

Chizuk 

Timeline 

Dear Friends, 

I have just returned from “Hope on the Hudson”, 

a sold out evening dinner cruise to benefit 

A TIME. 

I feel like I am still sailing. 

The evening began with a tribute to Senator 

John Sampson, a very influential and prominent 

government official. It then took off with the 

most incredible singers and speakers. 

Shlomie Gertner, Chazzon Helfgott, Pinky 

Weber and the one and only Avraham Fried 

completely outdid themselves. There was so 

much emotion and caring for the cause. 

Rabbi Weiss, Rabbi Rosen, and the famous 

Rabbi Shapiro from North Miami Beach inspired 

and touched us deeply. 

But the most moving message came from our 

very own Zev Rhodes from Cleveland. I am sure 

that everyone that heard Zev speak will never be 

the same. We thank him and his wife Malky 

again and again for driving eighteen hours from 

Cleveland to be with us. We thank them for the 

courage to get up and share their story to help 

A TIME and its mission. 

We thank all the wonderful attendees, we 

apologize to all those that could not join due to 

lack of space. 

We thank the A TEAM productions for coordinating 

the gorgous music. 

We thank Mr. Ari Frankel for going the extra 

mile. 

We thank Mrs. Zahava Fisch for the breathtaking 

décor. (There is no one like Zahava…may 

Hashem grant her much nachas, gezunt and simcha.) 

We thank Mr. Chaim Heller, Mrs. Mimi Hershko, 

Mrs. Chayala Fleishman, Mrs. Ruchy Rein- 


8

man, Mrs. Frady Oshry and the rest of the staff 

and volunteers. You made this dream a reality. 

We thank our generous sponsor for thinking 

up this beautiful idea and for presenting it to A 

TIME with such joy and kindness. 

Most of all we thank Hashem for giving us the 

zechus to be a source of much light in the darkness 

of infertility. 

May we continue to have the zechus to share 

many simchas together. 

I personally promised one of our guest a celebration 

cruise when we are zoche to celebrate the 

birth of another 50 A TIME neshomolach. 

The A TIME Monsey Office opened this summer 

on Tuesday, August 18. 

Monsey and the surrounding neighborhoods 

desperately need a local chapter and B”H with the 

help of our dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. Avrum and 

Blimy Ausch it has become real. It is our hope that 

this office will self-sufficiently service the community 

with its specific needs. 

Stop by, shep nachas. The office is so beautiful 

and welcoming. It is like walking in a dream. We 

hope it will I”H be a source of much help and 

comfort for all those that need it. We’ll keep you 

posted for information on office hours, private 

appointments with Rabbonim and counselors, 

programming and more. 

The Monsey Office opening night featured a 

beautiful evening with Doctor Andrei Rebarber. 

Doctor Andrei Rebarber is a great friend of A 

TIME’s and is an extremely sought after expert. All 

evening he was available to answer and address 

all questions, We thank him for being so terrific 

and giving of his time in such a kind loving manner. 

We are confident that many questions were 

answered with up to the minute information and 

new medical breakthroughs. Doctor Rebarber is 

a physician that really cares. 

Please take a minute to appreciate the magnificent 

graphics presented in this issue. There are 

SO many pages I want to frame and hang up. Of 

course the content is awesome as well. Malky 

Klaristenfeld, our editor in chief, and a very dear 

friend of mine spends many days and nights to 

present to you a magazine that has whatever it 

takes to make this time of the year easier. She B”H 

has turned out masterpiece after masterpiece. 

Only Hashem can repay her for her endless devotion 

to Klal Yisroel. May her life be filled with 

much simcha and nachas for the comfort she 

brings to so many. 

I’d like to extend a thank you to the rest of 

the editorial staff…you are just one terrific 

group of people and may you all be blessed. 

I always say that the best thing about A TIME 

is the people I met in my many A TIME journeys. 

That still stands true. The A TIME office 

staff, devoted volunteers, incredible helpline 

staff, fundraising volunteers, Shabbaton coordinators, 

chapter coordinators, doctors, and distinguished 

rabbonim. And the list goes on and 

on… But most of all I am awed and humbled by 

all of you, our dear member couples, who despite 

whatever hardships come your way, continue 

to find simcha and meaning in every day 

of your lives. You are a nachas to Hashem and 

to Klal Yisroel. 

It is my fervent wish that this year all your 

tefillos will be answered, 

Kesiva V’chasim Tova, 

Davening for all of you, 

Brany 


9

Chizuk 

Cross the Globe 

Greetings 

from Sunny Jerusalem... 


....where the days are getting longer, nights cooler, shofar 

sounds can be heard in the mornings and succahs start to 

spring up on balconies and rooftops already! There's just 

no place like Yerushalayim during the Yomim Tovim, and 

Tishrei especially so. 

Will you be joining us here for Yom Tov Come along, 

then, on Isru Chag (shel chol) Succos, for Tefilah B'zibbur 

at the home of the Ishu Hashunamis! This extraordinary 

trip is once again made possible for all members by ATIME. 

Our last two opportunities for davening at this auspicious 

spot were so special... so heartwarming, such a feeling of 

history, of supplications heard in this ancient site, and of 

the awesome powers of Tefilah B'zibbur too. We've gotten 

calls since the last trip, from members that joined and were 

overflowing with gratitude that they did. If you have the 

opportunity to join us, whether you live here or are visiting, 

don't hesitate... call now! The bus will leave Yerushalayim 

during the morning hours (approximately 9 am) of 

Monday, Isru Chag shel chol. We can stop outside Bnei 

Brak for the convenience of members in that area. We will 

then travel to Shunam and return during the afternoon 

be"h. Please call 0523-770-444 and leave a message for 

Devory or email israel@atime.org for details or to join! 

ATIME Israel has been very busy with a few new 

projects lately. Stay tuned for updates! 

R' Pinchos Breuer spoke for ATIME Israel couples during 

sefirah. We could've sat there for hours! R' Breuer 

addressed the awesome topic of Tefilah - it was so 

passionate and yet so down-to-earth. We discussed the 

power of tefilah, and the function of tefilah at all times, all 

places, for all requests, by all of us and in any language. 

Ashreinu ma tov chelkeinu! 

10


11 

British 

Brantching 

London A-timers spent a pleasant shalosh seudas together, 

kindly hosted by one of the members. As usual, the 

table was beautifully prepared with tasty delicacies - noone 

could resist! 

We had the honour of hearing a powerful and encouraging 

shiur by one of the group. She elaborated on how a 

king has the ability to fulfill the material wishes of his citizens, 

however, without sentiment – whereas a father may 

not have the means to grant all material wishes of his children, 

yet his love enables him to provide emotional 

warmth which is essential to a child’s needs. Thus, when 

we beseech Hashem, we call out Avini Malkeini – Our King 

and our Father! What better place to turn to!! 

The climax of the afternoon, followed with raised voices 

of harmonious singing to accompany the Shabbos Queen. 

Everyone left feeling uplifted and inspired and ever-looking 

forward to the next A Time gathering. 

A Time London has some exciting plans in the pipeline 

which might result into the first ever “A Time European 

Shabbaton” We will keep you posted iy”h. 

Kesiva VeChasima Tova and a Gitt Gebencht Yohr. 

A Time London

Chizuk 

Of Wishes and Windows 

The List 

By Rabbi Yechiel Spero 


Another year has passed us by. 

A year filled with tragedy and triumph, highs and 

lows, heartache and joy. 

We hope that the good times outweigh the bad. In all probability, 

there are many events that have happened this year 

that will remain with us forever, both on a personal level and 

a collective one. We have endured the worst financial crisis our 

nation has faced in 80 years, including one of the greatest financial 

scandals in the history of man, by a Jew no less. We 

watched together with the rest of the world as a handful of 

Jews were targeted in a terrorist attack, halfway around the 

world; a needle in the haystack of a billion other people. And 

yet, amidst the tragedy of that event, a child, Moishele, 

emerged and became Klal Yisroel’s yasom. 

It has been a year when history has been made. America 

has an African-American president; something many thought 

was never possible. History is being rewritten. Communication 

has reached new heights. Inventions allow us to achieve and 

accomplish many ideas that were never thought of as anything 

more than a pipedream. 

Yes. This year has been quite a year. 

On a personal level, many have lost loved ones, some in a 

tragic manner and others in a more natural way. Some have 

been blessed with a child, while many, too many, continue to 

wait for their prayers to be answered. 

How can we possibly daven any better on Rosh Hashana 

Hashem knows the pain of our yearning. He knows what we 

are waiting for. What could we possibly do to make our prayers 

more potent and more powerful 

The Michtav Me’Eliyahu gives a brilliant tool to make our 

tefillos that much better. He suggests that before the Yom 

HaDin we divide a sheet of paper in half with a straight line, 

and above one side write the word “Good,” and on the other 

12


13 

And when someone else’s tefillos are answered before ours, 

are we able to sense their bliss, or do we feel ignored 

and rejected 

side, write the word “Bad.” Spend a half hour or so recollecting 

in your mind the events, both personal and communal, that 

have affected your life. Write down all the things that have 

made you happy: the simchos, accomplishments and successes. 

And then jot down on the other side of the paper the 

tragedies, failures and disappointments. 

The paper will serve as an emotional roller coaster as you 

relive each event. After you are done, place this paper in your 

machzor right before the Shemoneh Esrei page - and imagine 

that this list was written by none other than Hashem Himself! 

He wrote it last year on Rosh Hashana. 

And now He is beginning to write this year’s list! 

The thought should make us tremble! What are we going 

to do about it 

How can we ensure that this year’s list will provide more 

entries onto the “good” list and fewer submissions onto the 

“bad” 

Perhaps we should start by reanalyzing our list. Look once 

more. This exercise usually results in many more entries in the 

“bad” column than in the “good.” This speaks to the nature of 

how we approach the events in our lives. Indeed, because of 

our extreme sensitivity for others, we feel their pain and suffering; 

we share in their misery and treat their misfortune as 

our own. 

But what about the other way around 

Do we feel the joy of others equally strongly 

It is not easy. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things 

we can do. I’m not quite sure how to coin the phrase in English. 

In Yiddish it is called to fargin yenem. That is, to be 

happy and content with that which someone else has; not 

to be jealous and unaccepting. Are we happy for the successes 

Are we joyful for the simcha When we hear that 

they have been blessed by the Al-mighty, do we feel their 

joy as strongly as we feel the pain of those who have not 

been blessed 

These are the questions we must think about. And perhaps 

this is the reason that when we look at the “bad” list, 

it is filled with so many more entries than the “good” list. 

Are we happy when someone else’s husband makes a lot 

of money, or do we wonder why our husband might not 

have done the same Are we delighted when someone else 

receives accolades for their accomplishments, or do feel 

overlooked and under-recognized 

And when someone else’s tefillos are answered before 

ours, are we able to sense their bliss, or do we feel ignored 

and rejected 

Perhaps we need to rewrite our lists. Let’s look around at 

all the joy that surrounds us. Let’s feel, really feel, someone 

else’s joy as our own. And in this zechus, one day soon they 

will be able to partake and experience the joy of our dreams 

coming true. 

The term shana means year. But it also connotes change, 

as in the word shinui. Indeed, every year is different. Each 

one brings with it a change. Perhaps if we change our perspective 

of the blessing we find in our lives, then He will 

change our mazal as well. Perhaps we will begin to discover 

how truly blessed we all are. 

We just have to open our eyes and see. 

My success. And yours. 

My achievements. And yours. 

My joy. And yours. 

Yes, it has been quite a year…

Chizuk 

Seasonal Thoughts 

For A Change 

Y. Roitenberg 


We were thousands of kilometers away from 

home and just days away from Rosh Hashana. 

While we waited in hospitals and clinics for doctors, nurses, 

lab technicians and medical appointments, what we were 

really waiting for were refuos and yeshuos, miracles from the 

RofeiCholBasar. This time not only my siddur and Tehillim, 

but also my Rosh Hashana Machzor accompanied me to 

every appointment. 

We would be spending Rosh Hashana in unfamiliar surroundings. 

It was the first time I would be attending a shul 

where Tekias Shofar takes place during the silent Amida. But 

I was determined to be more familiar than ever before with 

the special, moving and inspiring tefillos of the Yomim Noraim. 

Granted, I already knew Maftir Chana by heart, but I 

could try to familiarize myself with the many other beautiful 

tefillos. Perhaps I was not going to feel at home with the 

nusach and tunes, but I could certainly prepare, understand 

and be inspired by the beautiful and uplifting words. 

I looked over the many soul-stirring tefillos and quietly 

hummed words of encouragement to myself: 

As ‏.וכל מאמינים שהוא זוכר הברית.‏ החותך חיים לכל חי 

we were treated and mistreated, as we were pricked and 

prodded and silently cried inside, we pricked and pierced the 

Heavens with different, louder cries. We told Hashem we 

believed and knew unequivocally that He could do anything – 

וכל מאמינים שהוא יוצרם בבטן.‏ הכל יכול וכוללם יחד.‏ 

We begged, pleaded and longed more than ever for Hashem 

to change our lives. He changed them! 

Life went from bad to worse. We felt ourselves crushed, 

crashing and spiraling downward at lightning speed. At the 

same time another change was taking place, a less noticeable 

change, a far more subtle and gradual one. It was the answer 

to our prayers. He had heard our heartfelt cries and was 

answering us, accepting our prayers, granting us our requests 

and changing our lives. A long arduous journey followed; 

painful struggles, difficult adjustments, buckets of tears, and 

challenges that were so BIG we hardly noticed or paid 

attention to the changes. Today, though, as we look back 

over the last two decades, we can see how He answered our 

deepest, most heartfelt tefillos and piercing cries. He brought 

about the miracle we yearned for in unimaginable ways. He 

changed us! We have changed, emerged and become better, 

happier, more selfless, more sensitive, more spiritual and 

more soulful. 

Change. A small word but a huge task. Change. A word 

that defines exactly what Rosh Hashana and this time of year 

is all about. Tishrei is a month where there are so many 

differences, changes and additions to our tefillos. It is also a 

month with so many different and special calendar dates: 

Rosh Hashana, the days of teshuva leading up to Yom Kippur, 

which is then followed by Sukkos. Even Sukkos changes and 

ends differently than it begins. Pesach, Shavuos and Chanuka 

are the same from beginning to end, but Sukkos varies; it 

changes to Hoshana Rabba and then to Shemini Atzeres and 

14

Hashem made the Avos and Imahos wait and pray for 

children not because He needed their tefillos, but because 

they themselves needed those tefillos. 


15 

Simchas Torah. We even change residence and move out of 

our permanent homes into modest outdoor quarters. We 

welcome special guests, the Ushpizin, into our humble 

temporary homes. Every new day of Sukkos brings change, 

a new guest. The tefillos, the mitzvos, the minhagim of this 

month are so beautiful, vast and varied. 

On a more physical scale, we notice changes in the air as 

summer makes way for fall. The trees change into their 

fantastic fall attire, and we stand in awe as we admire 

Hashem’s yearly exhibit. Autumn’s foliage, the crispy, crunchy 

leaves in sweeping shades of orange, burgundy, rust and gold 

are a striking reminder that at this time of year we too are 

meant to implement some changes and turn over a new leaf. 

The very name Rosh Hashana expresses and conveys a 

message of change. The word ‏,שנה which means year, is 

formed from the word לשנות or ‏,שינוי which means to 

change, alter and transform. 

Perhaps some of us step into Rosh Hashana feeling heavy 

hearted. As we look back over the past year or years, we see 

the same tearstained pages in our Machzorim, and we 

wonder if we soak the pages again, will Hashem hear us this 

time Will He change His mind Will anything change for us 

What will become of these tefillos Maybe some of us even 

doubt the power of prayer. 

Before we delve into these questions, let us first verify 

whether these are even the right questions to ask. To truly 

understand the power of prayer, let us look at one of our 

Imahos. While many of us can relate to the heartrending 

cries, the long strenuous years, and tearful prayers of Sara, 

Rivka and Rochel, how many of us have examined the tefillos 

of our Matriarch Leah 

Leah understood that she and her sister Rochel were each 

destined to marry one of Yitzchok and Rivka’s twin sons. 

When she realized that Rochel, her younger sister, was to 

marry Yaakov, the younger twin, and that she, the older sister, 

was destined to marry Eisav, the older twin, she sobbed, 

pleaded and davened. She begged Hashem to change her fate 

and destiny. The possuk informs us לאה רכות ‏,ועיני , Leah 

cried so much that her eyes were always red and swollen. She 

wept so incessantly that her eyelashes fell out. Her constant 

prayers were accompanied by streams of hot, salty tears. She 

cried out to Hashem, pleading with Him to have mercy on 

her and to avert her marriage to Eisav. She poured out her 

heart to Hashem, entreating Him, “Don’t give me the wicked 

man Eisav. I cannot marry him, nor can I be the mother of 

Amalek and Haman. I want to be the mother of great and 

righteous children.” 

We know that Hashem not only heard her cries, not only 

accepted her tears and not only annulled the decree, but that 

the result of those tefillos and tears was that she married 

Yaakov first, even before Rochel. She was the only one of the 

Imahos who did not have to wait longingly until she began 

to raise a family. She merited giving birth to half of the 

Shevatim. She became the mother of the firstborn Reuven; 

the mother of the Kohanim and Leviim; the mother of 

Yehuda, the tribe of the kings; and the mother of Yissochor, 

the tribe of Torah scholars. Her ehrliche tefillos changed her 

destiny. 

From Leah we learn קוה אל ה’‏ never to underestimate 

the power of prayer. If we do not see immediate results, if 

our prayers seem to go unanswered, חזק ויאמץ לבך we 

should not despair but rather strengthen ourselves, be 

persistent and continue to pray אל ה‘‏ ‏.וקוה However, we 

also know that while every tefilla helps, not every tefilla helps 

for us. Hashem answers every prayer, but sometimes His 

answer is a loud and resounding “NO.” Every single prayer 

and tear is stored and helps someone, somewhere, at 

sometime. When we feel as though our tefillos are constantly 

being rejected and do not seem to have the power to change 

our fate, we should try to remember the following fabulous 

quote: “If my prayers have not changed my destiny, at least 

my destiny has changed my prayers.” 

We know הקב”ה מתאווה לתפילתם של צדיקים - Hashem 

loves the sincere tefillos of tzaddikim. However, Hashem 

made the Avos and Imahos wait and pray for children not 

because He needed their tefillos, but because they 

themselves needed those tefillos. Every added tefilla, every 

additional tear, changed, formed and molded them into 

whom they had to become. Their powerful tefillos developed 

and changed them. Their prayers were not merely the result 

of their pain and anguish. Rather, they themselves changed 

as a result of their intense prayers. Their tearful prayers were 

an essential ingredient, a prerequisite to their future. Through 

their tefillos they became suitable and suited to be our holy 

patriarchs and matriarchs. It is precisely for this reason that

Chizuk 

Before we ask Hashem to make changes, we ourselves 

should implement some changes. 


we can pray repeatedly and request time and again for the 

same thing. Each time we pray sincerely to Hashem we 

change, our very essence changes, and we become different 

than we were prior to those tefillos. In this renewed and 

changed status, we may now be deserving of something that 

was previously denied to us. 

Hashem gave the Avos and Imahos trials and troubles 

because He yearned for their tefillos. He longed for their 

supplications because He knew through their tefillos they 

would be elevated and attain new spiritual heights. Tefilla 

has the power to change, but it is not about us trying to 

change Hashem’s mind. Rather, tefilla is meant to change us 

and our mindset. When Hashem puts us into a trying or 

challenging situation, He wants our tefillos, but He also wants 

us to realize and accept that we are not here to change the 

situation, but rather the situation is here to change us. 

The word צרה actually conveys this message to us. It is 

linked to the word צורה , which means shape or form. 

Difficult situations are designed to mold, form and transform 

us. The letters of the word צרה can be rearranged to spell 

The ‏.תיבת נח is found in connection to צהר The word ‏.צהר 

was either a jewel or a window that allowed light to צהר 

enter the תיבה.‏ This teaches us something remarkable. Every 

a window ‏,צהר can be turned around and changed to a צרה 

of opportunity. Mostly we perceive difficulties and challenges 

as darkness, when in reality every trial is a window of 

opportunity and a jewel to treasure. It is the complexities 

and problems in our lives that keep us connected to Hashem. 

They do not darken our paths, they actually light up the way, 

help to keep us focused, guide and direct us to find Hashem 

and our inner selves. 

I once heard a very moving story that illustrates not only 

belief in the power of prayer, but also demonstrates a 

person’s ability and inner strength to adjust and grow from 

life’s challenges: A woman gave birth to a baby girl, but 

instead of the usual feelings of joy and elation, she was 

shocked and even devastated when doctors informed her 

that her baby daughter had Down Syndrome. She found it 

extremely difficult to accept and come to terms with the 

news. She told everyone that Hashem can do and change 

anything, so she is praying that He will perform a miracle and 

her baby will be well and healthy. People were most surprised 

by her reaction and tried to raise her spirits and encourage 

her. The distraught mother, however, simply refused to 

accept anything other than that Hashem would make a 

change. 

A close friend who frequented their home came even 

more regularly after the birth. She brought a baby gift and 

delivered fresh hot meals. She lovingly held the baby and held 

the mother’s hand through the early trying stages. She gave 

words of encouragement, lent a hand and, more importantly, 

she lent an ear. A few weeks later when the devoted friend 

popped in for a visit, she found the mother singing happily 

to her baby as she dressed her in an adorable outfit and 

prepared to take her out. The friend was pleasantly surprised 

and even commented on how well the mother seemed to 

be adapting. The mother simply responded, “Didn’t I tell you 

Hashem can do anything I asked Him to make a change and 

He did! Not by way of the baby, but rather, He changed me.” 

Tishrei beckons to us and calls for change. Before we ask 

Hashem to make changes, we ourselves should implement 

some changes. It is certainly true that we are not in control 

of our lives and cannot always make our own lives different, 

but we can always make a difference in someone else’s life. 

We can get involved in chesed, join a kiruv program, open a 

gemach, invite guests for Shabbos, or visit elderly people in 

their homes. Sit by a sick child’s bedside, tell him stories and, 

at the same time, offer his parents a short break from the 

long, tedious hours they spend in the hospital. Visit someone 

who is homebound, or just make that phone call to a widow 

who would be so pleased that someone cares enough to call 

her. We can use our own challenges or experiences as a 

springboard to help and encourage others. It does not have 

to be something big or very time consuming. Send a card to 

someone who is hospitalized. Send an original salad to a 

friend who is trying to diet, or a home-baked challah to the 

neighbor whose husband is away. We can give compliments 

and share warm words and greetings. Let’s try to complain 

less and smile more, especially to our spouse; doesn‘t charity 

16

We can use our own challenges or experiences as a springboard 

to help and encourage others. 


17 

begin at home The list is endless, the choices are vast, add 

on as many ideas as you can think of. Adopt a mitzva. It is 

not important what we choose, but it is imperative that we 

initiate some positive changes to our lifestyle. We might be 

most surprised to find that we thought we would be 

changing someone else’s life when, in fact, our own lives will 

change as a result. 

Tishrei is a month that allows us to express the full gamut 

of our emotions. Let’s enjoy the diversity. Tishrei has 

something for everyone, enough variety that we do not 

have to conform to one specific mode or feeling. We can 

unburden ourselves of all those pent-up feelings through 

tefilla. We can pour out our hearts and storm the Heavens. 

We can cry unabashedly and fill Hashem’s cup with our 

tears, which are so precious to Him. 

There is place for fear and place for love. There are days 

to cry and days to rejoice. There are days to repent and say 

Selichos, and other days to come close to Hashem through 

songs and Hallel. During the Yomim Noraim we break down 

in tears, and then before Sukkos we build with joy. We 

shake and tremble in fright as we recite the poignant 

words of Unesaneh Tokef and the many other soul-stirring 

tefillos. Then, when we shake our Arba Minim, we stand 

like proud, victorious soldiers. There is the piercing blast 

of the Shofar, in sharp contrast to the lively music at a 

Simchas Beis Hashoeiva. There are the haunting tunes of 

Selichos and the joyful melodies of Yom Tov. There is the 

sweet honey alongside our salty tears. There are fast days 

when we refrain from eating, and the Yom Tov days with 

their festive, elaborate meals. As we step into Tishrei, we 

stand swaying for hours immersed in prayer, and then on 

Simchas Torah we change the tune and change the step. 

It is time to celebrate and dance for hours. How 

appropriate that in the month of Tishrei, on Sukkos we 

השמים us, read Koheles where Shlomo Hamelech tells 

‏.לכל זמן ועת לכל חפץ תחת 

The month of Tishrei is comparable to a full and 

complete orchestra, where every musical instrument has 

its place and contributes to the symphony. 

Understandably, some days are harder for us to perform, 

and some tunes are more difficult for us to play. However, 

לי ‏(תהילים ל’)‏ sing, there is one song we must all try to 

“You have changed for me my – הפכת מספדי למחול 

lament into dancing.” Even when nothing appears to 

have changed in our lives, Hashem is כל יכול and He can 

change us. Even if our situation has not changed, it is 

Tishrei, and with our sincere prayers and our firm 

decisions, we have changed. We can dance and we can 

sing, and when we do, let’s remember what Rav 

Nachman of Breslov said, “Tears can get through the 

gates but songs break down walls.” 

If we look beyond the pages of our Machzorim, 

outside of shul, outdoors near our Sukkos, we must be 

able to see the first autumn leaves fluttering to the 

ground. Just a few short weeks ago they were beautifying 

the trees, but now they have lost their luster and they 

hang precariously onto the branches. They lose their 

grip and fall to the ground. But do they just fall No! 

They swirl and dance in the wind. They no longer 

beautify the trees, but as they change they create a 

fantastic carpet of the most magnificent colors. 

They whisper to us an important message; “Even in 

the face of strong winds and storms, even when we feel 

like we are losing our grip and falling from the branches 

we so desperately want to cling to, we can still dance 

and we are still beautiful.” 

Just like the leaves that change color and texture, we 

too are being changed and molded. Most likely we are 

becoming more beautiful in Hashem’s eyes. Sometime 

soon the seasons will change and new leaves will grow 

on those branches, but for now the leaves dance 

gracefully, for they know it is fall, this is their role, and 

this is their purpose. Let us dance as gracefully, and 

wholeheartedly, with absolute faith that for now this is 

our role. 

We believe that seasons change, we change and that 

Hashem, the יכול can‏,כל change anything and anyone. 

When we leave behind our tears and show Hashem that 

we can dance, celebrate and rejoice, we are actually 

instigating the first changes. We are announcing to 

Hashem מספדי למחול לי ‏.הפכת Hashem, Who hears our 

prayers and listens to our songs, will be so proud of us 

His children, so delighted that we are initiating positive 

changes into our lives. More than anything Hashem 

wants us to be happy, He wants us to be able to sing and 

dance. He is waiting to fulfill the prophecy that we read 

in the Haftara on the second day of Rosh Hashana: 

‏.והפכתי אבלם לששון ונחמתים ושמחתים מיגונם.‏ ‏(ירמיה ל”א,י”ב)‏

Chizuk 

By Yendele Roitenbarg 

euv tk vw 


So many months 

Which turn to years, 

Praying and longing 

And shedding of tears. 

All of our hopes 

And dreams He knows, 

He feels our emotions 

The pain as it grows. 

He plucks on our strings 

For our tefillos He longs, 

The harder He tugs 

The louder our songs. 

The more we sing 

The closer we are, 

Desperate to be told 

The yeshua is not far. 

Hearts filled with pain 

We still express love, 

And turn to Hashem 

Our Father Above. 

We do not understand 

And cannot comprehend, 

But we believe for certain 

That our good He intends. 

קוה אל ד’‏ 

We tell Him it’s so long, 

Begging in our tefillos 

He should help us to be strong. 

Then with renewed strength 

We pray yet again, 

חזק ויאמץ לבך 

וקוה אל ד’‏ 

We know, no tefilla 

Is ever ignored, 

Every single tear 

Is treasured and stored. 

We call out in prayer 

Let our pain disappear, 

Send us our salvation 

May this be the year. 

Hashem’s cup with our tears 

Is already filled so high, 

Brimming with Yiddishe pain 

As we continue to cry. 

When Hashem’s cup spills over 

Then our tears will dry, 

Our own cups will overflow 

‏.והריקותי לכם ברכה עד בלי די 

18

THE RONALD 

O. PERELMAN 

AND CLAUDIA 

COHEN CENTER 

FOR 

REPRODUCTIVE MEDICINE 

Formerly known as CRMI 

Zev 

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Director 

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Ina 

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Pak Chung, M.D. 

Dan Goldschlag, M.D. 

Hey-Joo Kang, 

M.D. 

Isaac Kligman, 

M.D. 

Glenn Schattman, 

M.D. 

Katherine 

Schoyer, 

M.D. 

Steven Spandorfer, 

M.D. 

Psychologistsogists 

Linda Applegarth, 

Ed.D. 

Elizabeth Grill, 

Psy.D. 

Laura Josephs, 

Ph.D. 

THE 

CENTER 

FOR 

MALE 

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MICROSURGERY 

Marc Goldstein, 

MD M.D. 

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Weill Cornell 

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York, NY 10021 

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Tel: (516) 742-4100 

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If you or someone you know 

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contact us at (646) 

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Tel: (914) 242-8144 

www.ivf.org

Chizuk 

By Hinde Gordon 

Leaves 

The leaves, red, gold, brown fall gently, 

Swirling, dancing in the dusty air. 

Falling to earth, to the welcoming ground. 

The years, golden and, some, not so golden, 

Fall gently and sometimes with a thud. 

Dancing, swirling, shimmering, faster and faster. 

Moments emerge from the recesses of memory, 

To be taken out and cherished, relived and loved, 

As the years continue to fall, the present quickly becomes past. 

And I am content and thank Hashem 

For every moment that was, that is, and that will be. 

I thank Him for the precious memories that are mine, 

A blend of past and present, fertilizing the ground 

For future moments that will become beloved memories. 


20 

The leaves and the years, beautiful and ephemeral, 

Bring closure and rebirth. 

Thank You, Hashem, for my life, my memories, 

My future moments. 

I am so very grateful. 

Thank you. 

Reprinted with permission from Binah.

Chizuk 

Chizzuk From Within 

An Unusual Proffession 

By Estie Perlman 


When I tell you what my profession is, you will undoubtedly 

be quite shocked. That’s because my 

profession is pretty much the last thing you’d expect someone 

like me to go into. No, I’m not an accountant, a physical 

therapist, or a business owner. I’m a labor and delivery nurse. 

I’ve also struggled with infertility for many years. And believe 

it or not, I really do love my job. 

How I got here is a story that will take more than the 

pages allotted to this article to tell. 

But it’s been a journey that feels like thousands of miles, 

miles I’ve traveled to Gehennom and then back again. And 

along the way, there were terrible vistas. But there were also 

beautiful moments, breathtaking views. But it’s taken the 

perspective of hindsight to be able to fully appreciate them. 

People try to comfort you when you have had pregnancy 

losses. They desperately try to fill the silence that’s left behind 

by saying something. Something like, “You’re so special 

that you were chosen…The Imahos…” But when I was cast 

into the infertility whirlpool I didn’t want to hear that. I just 

wanted to get out of the current that was sucking me under. 

I didn’t want to be special. I just wanted to be normal. 

By the time I was married three years I had already had 

three losses and had been categorized with infertility status. 

People had begun to give me those sidelong looks to my 

stomach. Even at this early juncture in my marriage the unsolicited 

advice and judgment had begun. After my second 

pregnancy loss someone reprimanded us for being selfish 

and not starting a family yet. When you have infertility people 

seem to think they have a right to comment on matters 

that they never would dare to under “normal” circumstances. 

However, the only red flag on my horizon was my irregular 

cycle. I had no other concrete diagnosis. Unfortunately, 

as those reading this know well, often the only way to find 

out what the problem is in infertility, is by going through 

more losses that enable the doctors to put together the 

pieces of the puzzle. 

So here I was, pregnant for the fourth time. But this time 

22

People try to comfort you when you have had pregnancy 

losses. They desperately try to fill the silence that’s left behind 

by saying something. Something like, “You’re so special 

that you were chosen…The Imahos…” 


23 

things were looking good. The pregnancy was proceeding 

in a textbook manner. When I put on maternity clothes for 

the first time in my life it was around the time my younger 

sister had her first child. Everyone was so happy and excited 

for me. Of course I worried about the viability of the pregnancy; 

anyone who’s been through losses worries. But I had 

no concrete medical information supporting my worries. 

The field of infertility has changed a lot since those days. 

Good infertility specialists today do a lot of investigating 

rather than allowing a patient to get to three pregnancy 

losses. Back then, though, my doctor let me try again without 

any extensive workup being done. Because of this, there 

wasn’t a serious cloud in my sky. Then, without warning, the 

sky fell in. 

The day of my sister’s baby’s bris I wasn’t occupied with 

bagels or lox. I was a hospital bed, almost in an upside down 

position- my head down and my feet up in the air. My water 

had broken. My most successful pregnancy was over. It had 

only lasted twenty-one weeks. 

I’ve always used humor to cope. In the middle of it all, I 

remember having a darkly humorous thought. Our entire 

lives my sister had always been in my shadow; I was the older 

one, the more outgoing one. And here I was upstaging her 

again; taking away the spotlight when it was finally her moment 

to shine. How totally typical it was! At her simcha all 

anybody talked about was how I was doing. 

The doctor prepared me for the worst. And then the 

worst happened. I delivered the baby and it did not live. 

I asked to see the baby- I desperately needed to see that 

I could conceive and produce something that looked 

human. When the bereavement people came I didn’t want 

to talk to them. I told everyone I was ok, which of course I 

wasn’t. Anyone who came in looking somber and morose 

was sent away- I insisted that I was fine! Really!! 

I do remember feeling upset that the hospital had given 

me a roommate who had had a successful delivery and was 

happily nursing her baby and yakking on the phone to her 

relatives about all the gory details of her delivery. 

What I needed most at that point was to get home and 

have a good cry-but strangely enough when it came time 

to actually going home I found myself delaying it as much 

as possible, something I now know is perfectly normal for 

someone who just experienced a loss. This is something I 

have seen many times in my nursing career. When I deal 

with patients experiencing a loss I make them aware of this. 

I remember even stopping on the way home for ice 

cream, of all things! I remember feeling strangely disconnected 

emotionally while I was eating my cone of mint 

chocolate chip ice cream. The contrast between what I had 

just gone through and the festivity of eating an ice cream 

cone seemed peculiar. There was a sense of detachment, of 

dissonance. After the ice cream, we drove around the neighborhood 

and parked the car far away. Neither if us was conscious 

of the fact that we were trying to delay the inevitable. 

But as soon as I opened the door to my apartment it hit 

me. I stood there on the threshold and just broke apart. I 

was sobbing hysterically. I cried and wailed, “I lost my baby, 

I lost my baby.” Then my husband came in. He took one look 

at me and also broke down. 

There’s something about coming home that really, really 

hurts. In the hospital you’re in coping mode, adrenalin 

mode. Then you come home empty-handed. You think, the 

last time I was here I was pregnant. I had hope. Now it’s all 

over. Coming home finalizes the end. 

One of the stranger memories I have of that time is of 

getting company the next day. Family had come in from out 

of state for my sister’s simcha and everyone came over to 

see me the next day. Instead of leaving me alone to lick my 

wounds they expected me to host them. They even brought 

a pie of pizza along. I remember serving them the pizza 

while trying to hold back the need to tell everybody to just 

leave. The whole situation was completely bizarre. 

Immediately on the heels of this I experienced another 

blow. I lost my baby on a Friday. There was an end of year 

teachers meeting on Monday. My boss told that I must attend- 

I countered that I was on maternity leave; I had gone

Chizuk 

Today I tell my patients who experience a loss to expect that they 

will go through a grieving process. The grieving process is normal 

and they need to go through it. 


through a delivery, even if I hadn’t come home with a baby. 

The school wouldn’t hear of it and responded by firing me. 

The lack of compassion was absolutely mind blowing to 

me. 

I spent that summer in the Catskill Mountains. My husband 

was working in a restaurant as a mashgiach. We took 

a bungalow in a decrepit bungalow colony. It didn’t matter, 

though, since I spent as few waking hours as possible outside 

my bungalow. It was too hard to see all the families around 

me and to answer the casual questions of strangers about 

how long I was married, see them do their none too subtle 

mental calculations… 

Ironically, though, I did have company come to stay with 

me- in particular a very close friend who came with her 

eight month old baby. But this didn’t bother me because I 

didn’t have to hold it together and be strong in front of her. 

I even listened to a sister- in -law’s woes about how desperate 

she was to get pregnant with her tenth kid and how she 

was going to go crazy if it didn’t happen soon. I remember 

being utterly shocked at her insensitivity given the fact that 

she was one of the few people I confided my anguish to. But 

I said nothing about this to her. I wasn’t jealous of her children, 

I just wanted some of my own. 

Looking back I think I may have actually been clinically 

depressed. What black humor it was, to have PPD without 

having the baby to go along with it! Today I tell my patients 

who experience a loss to expect that they will go through a 

grieving process. The grieving process is normal and they 

need to go through it. Even the ‘strong, silent’ types like me 

can’t ignore it and expect that it will just disappear. I also 

tell them about the possibility of PPD. I was completely unprepared 

for it and I want to help others avoid that helpless, 

lost feeling. 

I’ve never been much of a crier. But that summer I remember 

crying a lot. Not all day or every day. But I would 

have these incidents of deep, bitter crying. I would lie on my 

bed and talk to myself aloud and say “ I just lost my baby. I 

just lost my baby” and “Will I ever have a baby” The crying 

was so raw and so painful, it actually scared me. This wasn’t 

the me I knew, the one who was always strong for everyone 

else. To this day, when I’m hurting I keep it private. Since I’m 

usually so stoic people feel the need to make things right 

when they see me in a vulnerable position. They generally 

try to achieve this by saying well meaning but really stupid 

platitudes. Then I have to comfort them. So I do whatever 

hurting I have to privately. 

Even when I was socializing that summer, acting “normal”, 

I felt so isolated. I looked at other people and said, ‘I’m 

different.” Everyone else seemed to be on the other side of 

a heavy brick wall. On their side was sunshine and blue 

skies. But I couldn’t get there. There was a dark cloud following 

me. 

After that summer came a year that was extremely difficult. 

For the first time in my working life I was unemployed. 

Ironically, my only job was substituting for a friend when she 

was out having a baby. 

Our financial situation was dismal. My husband had left 

his job and was training for a new profession, but wasn’t really 

earning money. We barely had enough money to live 

on. He’d grown up poor; he was able to handle it. It was hard 

for me to take, since I had been raised in a home which wasn’t 

rich, but was definitely comfortable. My father had al- 

24

All my life I had been a doer, not a receiver. I wanted to be on 

top of this situation. I found that in learning to be a nurse. 


25 

ways had a good, steady job. In my mind, government assistance 

was for low class people. When my husband gave me 

food stamps I couldn’t bring myself to use them. I threw 

them out. One of the common misconceptions about infertility 

is that because many infertile couples both hold 

down jobs and have no children to support, they must be 

rolling in lots of extra cash- when in fact often the opposite 

is true. Because the expenses involved in treating infertility 

are not fully covered by insurance, finances are frequently 

very limited. 

One day, I found an envelope in my mailbox. There was 

five hundred dollars in it and a note that said, “I know you’re 

going through a hard time and can use this.” Instead of 

making me feel good, it made me feel even worse. My privacy 

had been invaded. I felt completely crushed, like a 

nebach case. I was embarrassed in front of everyone- because 

I didn’t know who had sent it. I felt violated, like my 

whole life was on display for everyone. I’ve always been intensely 

private. I hated the idea of being the object of anyone’s 

worry and pity. One of the difficulties of infertility is 

that fact that people seem to think they have a right to a 

front row seat on your life. I found this very hard to deal 

with. I’m someone who was always used to being on top of 

the world, and now I felt I had hit rock bottom. At the time 

I felt very down on my luck- I couldn’t have a baby, I couldn’t 

hold down a job, and now I was poor too! Worst of all, people 

seemed to be in the know about my issues, something 

which I personally found intolerable. 

Besides all of this, we were also deep into exploring the 

causes of my losses. We went to doctors and for tests and 

tests and more tests. We went to rabbonim and went for 

brachos. We davened. 

It was also a difficult time because my husband’s sister 

was very sick and it was pretty clear she wasn’t going to recover. 

It added a black pall of sadness over our lives. Even 

though today I can see I grew from that year, nevertheless 

it’s not a year I would ever want to repeat. 

I became pregnant again the next year. At that point we 

knew what the issues were and took what steps we could 

to insure a positive outcome. It was a terrifying, harrowing 

experience. There were many complications. I was hoping 

for the best but prepared for the worst. I was on extreme 

bed rest, and couldn’t even distract myself from worrying 

by going out of the house except for doctor’s appointments. 

The pregnancy ended at just twenty-four weeks with the 

very premature birth of our son. 

Like everything else in my childbearing history, this situation, 

too, was complicated. Having literally fought for his 

life, it became evident over time that our son was going to 

be a special needs person. 

The struggle with infertility did not end there, that pregnancy 

has thus far been my most successful one. Being the 

parents of an only, special child has its own set of nisyonos, 

but I am in no way comparing this to the uncertainty of primary 

infertility. My life has not been a bed of roses, but it 

hasn’t been a bed of thorns either. 

In the years afterward I pursued my college degree and 

found my calling as a labor and delivery nurse. The experience 

of being vulnerable medically, of being the one on the 

receiving end, not the one in control, was not a situation I 

liked. All my life I had been a doer, not a receiver. I wanted 

to be on top of this situation. I found that in learning to be 

a nurse. 

I feel like Hashem put me in a unique position. The hospital 

in which I work has many frum patients. Most outcomes 

are good, but there are some are not. I see these 

couples, and my heart goes out to them. They’re often so 

young and so unprepared for the loss. Why should they be 

I, too, knew nothing about the world of infertility before I 

was so rudely thrust into it. They have a certain look on their 

faces, a stoic mask. I can almost feel the intensity of their effort 

to hold it together for just another hour till they can go 

home and let out all the pain. I know that look. It’s one I’ve 

had on my own face. 

So I do what I can for them. I direct them to ATIME, and 

its resources. I talk to the ones who want to talk. To the non 

talkers like me, I just transmit information. I tell them that 

as their nurse it’s my job to give them the information, so 

I’ll do the talking but they don’t need to respond. If I can, I 

pull strings to put my patient in a room without a roommate 

instead of in a room with a new mother who’s rooming 

in with her baby. 

I’m happy with my life. This doesn’t mean that I don’t remember 

what I’ve been through. You never forget that. 

There are moments, every so often, where something triggers 

a pang that is still very, very painful. There are times 

when comments are so hurtful that you feel like you’ve been 

punched in the stomach, like the time I was asked “Don’t

Chizuk 

When it comes to those who are closest to you, though, you need to 

establish consistent boundaries… you can’t expect people automatically 

know that you now need your privacy and know not to ask. 


you think your son would like a sibling What’s taking you 

so long Don’t you know that only children are psychologically 

impaired” And this from a relative who knew what I’d 

been through to have my son! Just as if it was all simply a 

matter of choice, as if I had complete control over my situation! 

I’ve learned to develop survival skills. I’ve learned how 

to see conversational rapids coming before we get there, 

and I steer the conversation away from them. When that’s 

unavoidable sometimes I simply ignore invasive questions. 

Sometimes I ask 

“ How will knowing this enhance your life” At other 

times I use humor to deflect the comments. I once had a 

relative call me and tell me, “I just had a baby. I’m sorry.” I 

told her, “If you’re so sorry you can give it up for adoption 

and I’ll take it!” 

When it comes to those who are closest to you, 

though, you need to establish consistent boundaries. If 

you’ve always been open with people about your life before 

infertility happened, you can’t expect people automatically 

know that you now need your privacy and know 

not to ask. If you want that privacy, you need to reestablish 

your boundaries. You need to tell them- No trespassing! 

But there’s no way to avoid all the pitfalls of social interaction. 

People are naturally curious and don’t always 

have the seichel to rein it in. There are and will be casual 

acquaintances, or even strangers, who say hurtful thingsand 

there’s not much to do about it. You can’t go around 

reprimanding everyone you meet. 

I’ve also learned how to set my own boundaries and 

not allow others upset my equilibrium. I recently got a call 

from a perfect stranger, offering me kvatter. I gently told 

her that “ I don’t do kvatter”. She seemed puzzled, seemed 

to think I had some halachic reason for this, but I didn’t 

explain and she didn’t argue. 

Getting inspiration from others helps. A woman had a 

relative who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She 

sank into a deep depression . She couldn’t accept it, couldn’t 

get out of it. One day her husband turned to her and 

said, ‘ Chana, I want to see your contract.’ She had no idea 

what he was talking about. He repeated the question a second 

and then third time. Finally she asked, “ What contract 

“ The contract you have with Hashem promising you a 

perfect life.” 

Throughout it all I’ve tried to keep my sense of humor. 

Being able to laugh has really helped. Along with music, 

which is a passion of mine, it’s been an invaluable coping 

tool. 

And then there’s my job. People ask me how I do it, and 

I answer them that I love it. There’s no high to match that 

of being the second ( and sometimes first) set of hands to 

bring beautiful Jewish neshomos into the world. And I 

wouldn’t change it for anything. 

26


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Chizuk 

Communication 

By Rebbetzin Chani Juravel 


The last three years have passed quickly. It’s time to return 

your leased car. The dealer will assess you care of 

the car; the car is to be thoroughly evaluated for any damage 

or shoddy repair work. Preparations are no doubt nervewracking. 

After all, the car was conditionally entrusted to 

you. 

Viewing the car as the inspector would, you realize all 

that there is to do to bring it to its pristine state once more. 

You cleaned it out and polished it as best as you could, 

hopeful that no damage would be considered excessive and 

that all repairs done would be considered sufficient. The 

goal is that, once inspected thoroughly by the dealer’s representative, 

the vehicle will be deemed fit to return without 

penalty. What a relief that would be! What a sense of validation! 

And as a reward for having been a responsible client, 

a new lease will hopefully be offered. 

In this particular case, though, things don’t go as 

smoothly. This time your leased car is returned in less-thanideal 

shape. The letter of the law would estimate the repairs 

needed at a price beyond the allocated amount of anticipated 

minor damage. Yet the inspector looks at you with 

benevolence and says, “I can tell that you really meant to 

take better care of the car. I have a sense that you know how 

well you would like to take care of a car in the future. So factoring 

that in, go ahead – have another year! Your lease is 

renewed.” 

Wouldn’t that be surreal Bizarre Yes. And that is the 

gift of Yom Kippur. 

Our lease is up. It’s time for inspection. Our job as navigators 

of our precious neshamos, on loan from their Source, 

is up for evaluation. There have been scratches and some 

28


29 

Because whereas Rosh Hashana evaluated who we were, 

Yom Kippur evaluates us for whom we want to become. 

mishaps since the start of the year. But the teshuva process 

allows for cleaning, polishing and making things shine once 

again. The Inspector will be thorough and hopefully gracious 

in renewing our lease, gifting us a chance to drive His 

product yet one more year, and hopefully do us both proud 

in the process. And He will do even more than that. He will 

take into account our intentions in a way that makes the 

potential of teshuva the true, magical miracle it is. 

If you were to think about it, there seems to be no need 

for Yom Kippur if we were already judged on Rosh Hashana. 

Why the need for another day of judgment Because, explains 

Rav Dessler in Michtav Me’Eliyahu, they serve two different 

purposes. On Rosh Hashana our deeds are measured 

and weighed. How many were positive, how many negative; 

the tally and determination are made of who we were based 

on the final count. It is a black and white judgment, an evaluation 

of our ma’asim. So why the need for Yom Kippur 

Because whereas Rosh Hashana evaluated who we were, 

Yom Kippur evaluates us for whom we want to become. And 

that desire, if proven sincere and heartfelt through working 

the steps of teshuva, undoes the first reality. Through the 

contemplative teshuva process, through the empowering 

days of yemei teshuva, involvement in our tefilla and acts of 

tzedaka, we had the opportunity to think of and plan for 

who we truly yearn to be. In Rav Dessler’s words, we had 

time to crystallize, “midas hateshuka hapenimis sheb’lev l’kapara 

ul’hisalus ruchniyus,” “the inner heartfelt desire for 

atonement and spiritual growth.” Now we have a clear sense, 

given another year’s lease, of the way we would drive and 

to where, when we’d park and when we’d accelerate. And 

Hashem sees us and judges us as the drivers we truly wish 

to be rather than the ones we were. 

This is not to say that we can assume all will be ignored 

and forgiven; we cannot live with the recipe of “eche’te 

v’ashuv”- arrogantly thinking that we can repeatedly sin and 

repent. The Rambam in Hilchos Teshuva reminds us of 

Hashem’s distaste for those who use that as a safety net. But 

if our regret is real and our desire to grow beyond who we 

were is honest, Hashem miraculously grants us a clean slate. 

Hakadosh Baruch Hu has no problem granting us a clean 

slate. Allowing for it is part of the sweet system He established 

and allowed for us. We, however, may have a harder 

time believing in true fresh-starts. Whereas He forgives us 

with ease, we may have more difficulty in forgiving ourselves; 

it’s hard to believe that we can really evolve to become 

the new, improved versions of ourselves we so want 

to be, unencumbered by past errors and history. That, too, 

must be part of our preparation for Yom Kippur. We need 

to believe in our power to change and enact change in order 

for it to become the reality it can be. 

May Hashem, lovingly give us back our keys and confidently 

wave us off for what promises to be our best drive 

yet. And we need to steer accordingly, anxious and eager to 

prove Him right.

Chizuk 

Hashem’s Garden 

By Baruch Twersky 


One of the Gerrer Rebbes used to tell the following 

mashal to explain the purpose of Elul: 

“Thousands of Chassidim lined up to pass by their 

Rebbe, using those few seconds to make their requests, before 

the gabbai would urge them forward to give the next 

person in line a chance. 

“One of the Chassidim stuttered. Whenever it was his 

turn to speak to the Rebbe, the gabbai hurried him along 

before he could finish. One of his friends advised, “Start 

talking before you get to the Rebbe. That way, when you 

reach the Rebbe the words will flow.” 

Hashem gave us Elul to prepare ourselves, so that we 

can be ready when Rosh Hashanah, the awesome day of 

judgment, arrives. It’s a time of great fear and awe. Tzaddidkim 

used to say that during Elul even the fish in the sea 

tremble with fear. Many holy seforim discuss the charged 

Elul atmosphere, when everyone sets out to improve their 

ways. 

But aside from being a time of awe and fear and repentantce, 

Elul is also a month of overwhelming mercy. Elul 

days are yemei reachamim v’ratzon, when Hashem draws 

us close to him. The Baal HaTanya told the following 

mashal to describe the closeness to Hashem that we can 

attain during this time: 

“When a king is in his royal city, in his palace, only very 

important people can visit him, and only by appointment. 

But when the king is in the fields, traveling, then all who 

desire can leave their cities to see the king. And the king 

will greet them with a happy countenance, and he will listen 

to their requests. This is the special conduciveness of 

Elul, when the king of kings is accessible to all who desire 

to come close to Him…” 

The initial letters of Elul spell out “Ani l’Dodi v’Dodi li, I 

am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Shir Hashirim 

6:3) During Elul, there’s a strong, special closeness and love 

between the Jewish people and Hashem. 

The two aspects of Elul to hand in hand. It’s the great 

love and mercy that we sense from Hashem during these 

30


31 

Elul is our reminder that Hashem loves us and treasures 

every mitzvah that we do, every slight action that we take 

to get closer to Him. 

weeks that awakens the love in our hearts, and motivates 

us to amend and improve our ways. 

Many of us find it hard to believe that our mitzvos are 

worth anything much, that our Torah and tefillah have 

much value, or that our refraining from sin is praised and 

cherished in Heaven. We may consider ourselves ordinary 

people of little or no importance. Therefore, we may not 

consider it significant or necessary to change our ways. 

Elul is our reminder that Hashem loves us and treasures 

every mitzvah that we do, every slight action that we take 

to get closer to Him. The recognition that this is true inspires 

us to improve and to do teshuvah. 

In Slabodka, the mussar yeshivah, they told the following 

masahl to teach the need to recognize our true worth, 

and to explain how this recognition will inspire us to improve: 

A king once built a beautiful Palace and adorned it with 

stunning carvings and artistry. The king, afraid that many 

people might want to enter his palace to look at the artwork, 

discussed his fears with his advisors. They advised 

him to surround his palace with a luxurious garden of 

plants imported from all over the world. “People who appreciate 

beauty won’t have the heart to trample over such 

an exquisite garden in order to enter the garden.” 

The midrash compares every Jew to a beautiful rose, and 

Jewish people to Hashem’s garden. When we view ourselves 

in this light, we won’t allow ourselves to be marred by sin. 

We will repent, because we are part of Hashem’s beautiful 

garden. 

Our greatness and our beauty is even more evident in 

this generation than in past generations, because of the difficult 

test we face, while still remaining steadfast and faithful. 

Witnessing the lowly behavior of the irreligious youth 

in Vilna, Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz, ztz”l, exclaimed: “I say 

that in your generation, the simplest yeshivah bochur is as 

great as Rabbi Akiva Eiger was in his generation!” 

So we are very great and very beloved, and every mitzvah 

that we do is very precious to Hashem. This is the lesson of 

Elul, and this is our motivation to grow even bettet.

Chizuk 

The Holy Succah 



Rabbi Avraham Twersky, ztz”l, the Trisker Maggid, 

stood outside the door of his succah on the first 

night of Succos, lacking the courage to enter. 

“We just said, on Yom Kippur, ‘moshol k’cheres,” that we 

are compared to earthenware utensils,” he explained. “Out 

of respect for the holy succah, the halacha forbids earthenware 

utensils from being brought into the succah. So 

how can I dare enter” 

After some time, he continued, “There’s only one cure 

for earthenware utensils: when they are broken, they lose 

their impure status. So let us break ourselves with humility, 

and then we will merit entering the succah.” 

The Divrei Chaim once said on Erev Succos, “Rosh 

Hashana has passed, Yom Kippur has passed, and I have 

not yet done teshuva. With what merit may I enter the holy 

succah” 

32


33 

The mitzva of succah teaches us that it’s possible to achieve 

high levels of spirituality even in situations that appears to 

be contrary to spirituality. 

When his Chassidim heard him say this, they trembled 

in awe. 

After some moments, he said, “I need a few thousand 

reinish to distribute to charity. If you will lend me the 

money, I will be able to do the mitzva of tzedaka [according 

to the Arizal, it is important to give charity on Erev Succos] 

and then I will be able to enter the succah.” 

The holiness of the succah is very great. The Kav 

HaYashar (85) states: ‘We must be very careful to maintain 

the holiness of the succah. Because when the succah is 

made properly, it becomes the resting place for Hakadosh 

Baruch Hu, and it becomes like a Beis Hamikdash. We mustn’t 

be like those people who make light of the mitzva and 

consider it a burden. Those people go into the succah, 

quickly recite the bracha over the bread and over the succah, 

and after eating a few bites, they immediately leave the 

succah…. Rather, we should rejoice with the holy mitzva, 

and we should keep it properly.” 

The Gemara (Avoda Zara 3) relates: “In the future, when 

Hashem will dispense His reward to the Jewish nation, the 

nations of the world will gather and complain that they also 

want reward. ‘Give us another chance,’ they will say. ‘Give 

us a mitzva, and we will keep it, so we can receive reward.’ 

“Hashem will answer, ‘Really, it’s too late. Only those 

who have prepared themselves with Torah and mitzvos in 

the past deserve reward. Nevertheless, I will give you another 

chance. I have an easy mitzva; it’s called succah. Go 

keep it, and you will receive reward!’ 

“The non-Jews will go up on their roofs to build the succah. 

But then Hashem will shine upon them a strong summer 

sun, and they’ll all kick over their succah and leave.” 

The Kav HaYashar explains that the non-Jews will 

quickly abandon the succah, because they will not recognize 

the great spirituality and special qualities of the succah. 

They will consider the succah to be an unimportant hut 

and they will leave quickly, at the first opportunity. 

There are also some Jews who quickly leave the succah 

because they do not value its greatness. However, those 

who understand and appreciate the mitzva will earn great 

blessings and success, in the merit of keeping the mitzva of 

succah. 

On Shemini Atzeres, during the gezegginen (departure 

ceremony) from the succah, the Koidenover Rebbe would 

kiss each wall and say, “My father and grandfathers used to 

kiss the walls of the succah at the gezegginen because of 

their love of the mitzva. But we kiss the walls in appeasement, 

to ask their forgiveness for not dwelling within them 

with the proper awe for this holy and great mitzva.” 

The succah represents an interesting paradox; an extremely 

holy abode of spirituality, which is built outdoors, 

generally considered the domain of the impure forces. 

When a succah has even two complete walls plus one small 

third wall, then even if it is otherwise wide open to the 

street, with all that is contrary to Judaism there, the greatest 

power of spirituality still resides within its walls. Furthermore, 

we use the succah to eat and sleep. These are mundane 

aspects of life that appear distant from spirituality, 

yet when they take place in the succah, they reach the highest 

levels of spirituality. 

What do these contrasts teach us 

The mitzva of succah teaches us that it’s possible to 

achieve high levels of spirituality even in situations that appear 

to be contrary to spirituality. Even if we find ourselves 

among negative influences, or if we find ourselves in a situation 

that appears to be drawing us away from Hashem, 

even when we have fallen or are struggling with the yetzer 

hara – even in these situations, it’s possible to attain the 

loftiest levels of kedusha. If we remain steadfast and try our 

best to serve Hashem during these difficult times, we will 

be sanctified with the immense spirituality of the holy succah. 

Reprinted with permission from Mishpacha.

Chizuk 

A Visitor to the Inn 


The Alter of Kelm, zt”l, taught that anything most 

needed to live in this physical world is most available 

to us, and is also easy to obtain. The classic examples are, 

of course, air and water. The same is true for spiritual matters, 

the Alter taught. Emuna is the most necessary element 

of spiritual life, for it is the foundation of everything. One 

need only read the pesukim of bitachon that we have previously 

distributed, or reflect upon the Thirteen Ani 

Ma’amin of the Rambam, or study the miracles around him, 

or note the incredible hashgacha pratis which he, each 

member of his family, and all of his friends are blessed with 

every day. Each of these connects us swiftly and directly to 

emuna in Hashem. 

If we take the analogy of the Alter of Kelm to its conclusion, 

there are times when even items typically abundant 

in this physical world are difficult to come by. On a mountaintop 

or in the sea, air is in short supply or nonexistent, 

so one’s breathing may be a bit more difficult, or he may 

need assistance. Similarly, in the desert or in land-locked 

areas, water may be scarce. What does one do to help himself 

in these situations Where air is limited, he brings along 

oxygen tanks. In the desert, he will bring along sufficient 

containers of water to get him through the desert trek. 

In these times, when we are faced with personal and 

communal tribulations of such great and diverse magnitude, 

we owe it to ourselves to begin an emuna-strength- 

34


35 

We must make sure that we recognize the King with us 

here in our inn, and that we appreciate – and make the 

most out of – our audience with Him, getting as close as 

possible to Him as we can. 

ening process now – to build our emuna to optimum levels 

so that it is readily available when needed. What a beautiful 

goal it would be to study and complete the Sha’ar HaBitachon 

of the Chovos HaLevavos (Duties of the Heart) between 

now and Rosh Hashanah. The Chovos HaLevavos is 

available with an English translation (even in pocket-size) 

by Feldheim Publishers. At the very least, one should attempt 

to reflect more deeply upon at least one of the thirteen 

Ani Ma’amin every day. It is safe to say that the 

amount of emuna and bitachon that one really has is directly 

proportionate to the amount of time and effort one 

puts into what the Alter of Kelm calls the “Yesod Hakol,” 

The basis of everything! 

••• 

In Parshas Eikev, the Torah writes that Hashem wants us 

“l’dovka Bo,” “To cling to Him.” The Chofetz Chaim teaches 

that the reason Hashem asks this of us now is because a 

person can get only as close to Hashem in the Next World 

as he gets to Hashem in This World. It is up to each and 

every one of us to get as close as we can. 

This can be compared to the owner of an inn who is 

falsely accused of a crime against the government, and who 

realizes that his only hope is to plead for mercy before the 

King. He plans to make a trip to the palace before sentencing, 

but realizes that the task is an almost impossible one, 

because of the King’s schedule, all of the palace guards, his 

status, etc. 

One day, he is astonished to hear that just the day before 

the King had made a trip through his city dressed as a 

commoner. He is understandably even more shocked when 

he is advised that he had actually had the King as a guest 

in his inn, and that he had even served him dinner. What 

an incomparable opportunity he had to plead for 

clemency, for mercy – what an irreplaceable event. What 

a lost opportunity! 

We must make sure that we recognize the King with us 

here in our inn, and that we appreciate – and make the 

most out of – our audience with Him, getting as close as 

possible to Him as we can. We can do so – each and every 

one of us – through our sincere tefillos, through our enthusiastic 

Torah study, and through our demonstrably special 

dedication to mitzvos and ma’asim tovim – each person in 

accordance with his own inn! 

Reprinted with permission from Hakhel.

Chizuk 

Perspectives 

Rosh Hashanah 

The Holiday Cloaked In Secrecy 

By Rabbi A. Margolin 


The Gemara in Masechta Beitzah says,” Mezonosav shel 

adam ketzuvim lo meiRosh Hashana ad Rosh 

Hashanah” [the amount of ] a persons income for sustenance 

[for the coming year] is determined on Rosh 

Hashanah. We derive this from the pesukim; “ tiku bachodesh 

shofar bakesseh lyom chageinu “ you shall blow shofar 

in the month, when it is covered for the day of our 

holiday ” ki chok liYisroel hu mishpat leiloKai Yaakov” because 

it is an order for Yisroel, judgment for the G-d of 

Yaakov. The Gemara alludes to the difficulties in these pesukim 

and asks which holiday is covered The answer is that 

Rosh Hashanah occurs on the first day of the month when 

the moon is almost entirely obscured. The Gemara proves 

from a different possuk that the word chok or order refers 

to a predetermined allotment of foodstuffs. 

This leads us to an inherent question: What is the secret 

What is the significance of Rosh Hashanah being a holiday 

which occurs when the moon is hidden 

We know that Rosh Hashanah is the Day of Judgment 

for all of mankind. Why is this the day Furthermore, 

the Mishna in 

Masechta Rosh 

Hashanah says that 

Pesach is the Day of 

Judgment for grain. 

Why are there two 

different days of judgment 

This difficulty is compounded 

by the fact that grain 

is the prime foodstuff of sustenance 

for humans. 

It is also interesting to note that we 

are commanded to blow shofar on Rosh 

Hashanah. The Gemara teaches us that the purpose of this 

mitzvah is that HaKadosh Baruch Hu should “remember” 

us in a positive way. This also seems difficult to understand; 

after all Hashem knows everything and does not need any 

prompting! 

Tosfos in Masechta Rosh Hashanah asks that there is an 

apparent contradiction: In the davening of Rosh Hashanah 

we say, “ze hayom techilas ma’asecha” This is the anniversary 

of Your creation which implicitly means that Adam Harishon 

was created on Rosh Hashanah, in accordance with the 

view of the tanna R’ Eliezer, and we know that in halachah 

we pasken like R’ Yehoshua that the world was created in 

Nissan 

Tosfos answers that we know that there were two stages 

of Creation. First, Hashem willed that 

there be a world and then He 

actually created it. Thus, 

even R’ Yehoshua agrees 

that the month of Tishrei 

corresponds to Hashem’s 

willingness to create the world 

and the month of 

Nissan is actually 

the physi 

c a l 

anniversary. 

Thus, 

the statement 

in davening is referring to Hashem’s will 

of creation, not the actual creation itself. 

Rashi in the beginning of Beraishis notes what 

would appear to be an inconsistency in the pes- 

36

sukim; The Torah begins with the statement, “Beraishis barra 

Elokim” at the start Elokim created and then, after sheni, it 

says “Byom assos Hashem Elokim eretz veshomoyim” in the 

day that Hashem Elokim made the earth and the skies. The 

first time it just says Elokim and the second time it says 

Hashem Elokim. Rashi explains that at first HaKadosh 

Baruch Hu made creation with Mmiddas Hhadin [which is 

alluded to with the name Elokim] and then He added the 

name Hashem a reference to Middas Hachesed. 

Ramchal explains that Middas Hadin means that when 

a person does an aveirah Hashem metes out punishment 

immediately Middas Hachesed refers to Hashem’s never 

ending kindness – He is constantly bestowing life upon us 

as well as all of our needs. Midas Harachamim is the balance 

of the attributes of din and chesed; Hashem does punish a 

person for his misdeeds, but allows him time to do teshuvah. 

Although it would appear that the 

delay of punishment is a wonderful thing, 

there is an obvious drawback: When a 

person gets immediately punished for a 

misdeed then it is crystal clear that 

Hashem is running the world. If, however, 

it takes time for the onesh to come then 

when it does come the person receiving 

the yissurim may not recognize from 

where it is coming. The person may attribute 

it to “chance.” This is the essence of 

hester panim; that Hashem’s “face” is hidden 

and we don’t know how to connect 

events in our lives with their G-dly source. 

Thus, Hashem added His name and the 

running the world is with middas ha 

rachamim because the world would 

never have been able to survive in an environment 

of immediate justice. Instead, 

Hashem’s creations are granted a reprieve, 

additional time to repent from their sins 

and to better their ways. Judgment, the ultimate 

manner of creation, is reserved for after one hundred 

and twenty years. Accordingly, in the beracha of tziduk 

hadin, we say, Asher yatzar eschem badin etc. He created 

you with judgment etc. Likewise, a person’s neshama originates 

in the Heavens, corresponding to machshava and only 

afterwards comes down to this world attached to a physical 

body 

Thus, Tishrei represents the initial part of creation which 

is judgment. This is the part of creation which is not readily 

apparent and is “hiding”. Therefore, it’s part of our inherent 

avodah to strive to peer through the “smokescreen” of hester 

panim and retain focus that Hashem is running the 

world. This is the essence of the mitzvah of tekias shofar, 

malchiyos, zichronos and shofros: To announce and internalize 

Hashem’s sovereignty to ourselves and to the world. 

Middah kineged middah of this avodah is for Hashem to remember 

us in a positive light and to acknowledge us with 

all our needs. On a deeper level, once a person has recognized 

that Hashem runs the world and and does teshuva 

there is no purpose for punishment. 

The Gemara in the beginning of Ta’anis says that three 

keys are in the hand of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. This means 

that, unlike other areas where the will of Hakadosh Baruch 

Hu is executed by malachim, by parnassah Hashem gives 

the orders directly. Sustenance is one of the three keys that 

Hashem tends to by Himself. Now we can already understand 

why the Imahos were granted children on Rosh 

Hashanah – it is the day that Hashem grants us what we 

need when we announce His kingship, which the Imahos 

did, and it is the second of the keys 

tended by Hashem himself! 

Therefore, it’s part 

of our inherent 

avodah to strive 

to peer through 

the “smokescreen” 

of hester panim 

and retain focus 

that Hashem is 

running the 

world. 

Hence, the secrecy of the Yom 

Tov; its character reflects its veiled 

message to mankind. We can now 

understand why mankind’s sustenance, 

determined on Rosh 

Hashanah, is alluded to in a covert 

manner. It is incumbent on a person 

to recognize that his parnassah, a 

seemingly natural occurrence, is 

sent to him by Hashem. The 

amount he will be getting may be 

directly correlated to his cognizance 

of this fact. This may be why the 

second phrase of the bracha of tzidduk 

hadin is v’zon v’chilkail esschem 

badin – he has nourished you 

and sustained you with judgement. 

[Indeed, the meforshim ask that the 

brocha of birchkas hamazon seems 

to contradict this message because 

we say “bechein b’chesed uvrachamim” – the sustenance is 

with grace kindness and mercy. The answer given is that 

when Hashem sends it is with grace but ultimately there 

is an accounting] Grain, on the other hand, does not have 

the avodah of recognizing its creator and its growth is 

therefore determined in Nissan, the month representing 

chesed. 

May we all be zocheh to properly internalize the message 

of Tishrei: To accept Hashem’s sovereignty over us. 

And may we all be zoche to the hashpa’os of the three keys 

that Hashem tends to: Parnassah, children and techiyas 

hameisim! 


37

Chizuk 

To Forgive 

and To Be Forgiven 



It’s not easy to ask forgiveness. In 

general, people believe that they’re 

right, and they don’t want to humble 

themselves and say that they 

made a mistake 

Tn a yeshiva in Romania before World War II, there 

was a very brilliant and successful student. Because 

of his success in Torah, he was hoping that the rosh 

yeshiva would choose him to marry his daughter. But despite 

his Torah expertise, this young man was lacking in 

fear of Heaven, so the rosh yeshiva chose another, less 

scholarly, student to marry his daughter. 

The brilliant student was so angry that he abandoned 

Yiddishkeit, which tragically was all too common in 

those times. He became a journalist for a non-Jewish Romanian 

newspaper. Anti-Semitism was on the rise in Romania, 

and he used his column to incite more hatred. 

Being a former Torah scholar, he brought many quotes 

from the Torah that appeared to express Jewish disloyalty 

and contempt for non-Jews. He continued his popular 

column throughout the war years; it’s impossible to estimate 

how much suffering or how many deaths his articles 

caused. All Romanian Jews knew of him and hated 

him. 

After the war, he did teshuva. He began to come to 

the beis medrash of the Skulener Rebbe, ztz”l, who was 

then living in Bucharest. At first, the people of the beis 

medrash didn’t want to forgive him. 

“Traitor!” they shouted. “Get out of here!” 

The man pleaded for their forgiveness, but they refused 

to forgive him. “Who knows how much blood he 

has on his hands We should just forget everything, and 

38


39 

“What! You think I would forgive you, after you destroyed 

my life, just because you call me and say, ‘I’m sorry’!” Ayalah 

responded angrily, slamming down the phone. 

welcome him!” they wondered. 

But the Skulener Rebbe warned them to treat him 

with respect, and not to throw him out of the beis 

medrash. “Hashem accepts baalei teshuva, and we must 

also do so,” he told them. 

••• 

This is the incredible power of teshuva. A few words 

of asking forgiveness entirely changes a person’s status 

and the way Hashem views him, as well as the way others 

are supposed to view him. As the Rambam writes: 

“Teshuva is so great that it attaches the person to 

Hashem. Yesterday he was hated, disgusted, distanced, 

and abominable. But today he is beloved and pleasant, a 

friend and comrade” (Hilchos Teshuva 7:6). 

We are to go in Hashem’s ways. Sometimes when 

someone wrongs us and afterward asks forgiveness, we 

think, why should I forgive him After all the trouble he 

caused me, how can I forgive him simply because of the 

few words of regret that he said But just as Hashem accepts 

those who regret their actions and ask His forgiveness, 

we are to do the same, to forgive those who regret 

that they wronged us, and to accept their apologies. 

FORGIVING AROUSES MERCY 

I read the following true story: During their school 

years, Dina continually spoke lashon hara about Ayala 

[not their real names]. The continual insults eventually 

broke Ayala’s self-esteem. When Ayala began shidduchim, 

she was repeatedly rejected because of her broken, depressed 

personality. She blamed Dina for her troubles 

and never forgave her. 

Dina married and moved to Eretz Yisroel, but after ten 

years of waiting and many medical treatments, she was 

still childless. One day, Dina heard from one of her friends 

that after all these years Ayala was still angry with her for 

her mistreatment, and that she blamed her for still being 

single. 

Dina immediately called Ayala and asked her forgiveness. 

“What! You think I would forgive you, after you destroyed 

my life, just because you call me and say, ‘I’m 

sorry!” Ayala responded angrily, slamming down the 

phone. 

A week later, Ayala was home alone when the doorbell 

rang. It was Dina! She had traveled all the way from 

Eretz Yisroel to the United States to tearfully beg forgiveness. 

Ayala saw immediately that Dina wasn’t the same 

confident girl she remembered, but rather a broken and 

miserable woman. 

“I was young and foolish then! I didn’t realize what 

harm I was causing! Please forgive me,” Dina pleaded. 

Ayala forgave her. 

“Don’t worry,” Dina said. “You will soon be married, 

I’m sure. And I’ll come for your wedding!” 

“Don’t you worry either, Dina,” Ayala told her, also crying. 

“I’m waiting to be invited to your child’s simchas.” 

Neither woman was able to keep her promise. A few 

months later, Ayala was engaged. But Dina didn’t attend 

the wedding. On the last day of the sheva brachos, Dina’s 

husband called and said, “Dina apologizes for not coming 

to your wedding. Last night, she gave birth to a healthy 

baby girl.” 

“I thought I was single because of Dina’s insults,” Ayala 

would add, when telling this story. “Now I see that I was 

single because I wasn’t able to forgive her. As soon as I 

was able to forgive, Hashem had mercy on me, and I met 

my bashert.”

Chizuk 

When a person has mercy on others and forgives them, Hashem 

has mercy on him as well, and bestows His kindness on him. 


••• 

When a person has mercy on others and forgives 

them, Hashem has mercy on him as well, and bestows His 

kindness on him. 

The Zohar relates: “Reb Abba was sitting in the entrance 

to the city of Lod. From a distance, he watched as 

a man lay down to rest in an indention on top of a mountain. 

As he was sleeping, a snake approached him. But a 

branch broke off and fell on the snake, killing it before it 

reached him. When the man awoke, he saw the dead 

snake lying before him. He stood up and took a few steps. 

Suddenly, the crack in the mountain collapsed, and he 

fell to the valley. Reb Abba ran to him and asked, “Please 

tell me your good deeds! Hashem has done two miracles 

for you! And Hashem wouldn’t have performed the miracles 

if you weren’t worthy.” 

The man replied, “Every night, before I go to sleep, I 

forgive all those who sin against me. In the merit of my 

mercy to them, Hashem has mercy on me as well.” 

OBLIGATION 

When someone asks us for forgiveness, we should forgive 

him, as it says in the Shulchan Aruch (606). The 

Mishna Brura adds: “In the merit that we forgive, Hashem 

will forgive us. And in the merit that we forgive the sins 

that others committed against us intentionally, Hashem 

will forgive the sins which we have committed intentionally. 

But if the person doesn’t forgive, then Hashem will 

not forgive him either. Because Hashem rules midda 

k’negged midda.” 

The Chayei Adam (154-155) states: “The person who 

doesn’t forgive is called a sinner and cruel. Because this 

is not a Jewish trait. Rather, it is the trait of Amalek, about 

whom it is written that his anger is remembered forever. 

Nevertheless, if he has a good reason why he doesn’t 

want to forgive the sinner – for example, to teach the sinner 

a lesson not to do so again – then it is permitted to 

tell him that you do not forgive him.” (The Mishna Brura 

writes, however, that nonetheless he must forgive him in 

his heart.) 

Someone once spoke against the gadol hador, Rav 

Moshe Feinstein, ztz”l. the man realized his error and immediately 

wrote a letter to Reb Moshe expressing his remorse 

and asking forgiveness. Reb Moshe went to some 

trouble to discover the man’s phone number, called him, 

and said, “I forgive you! Don’t worry! I have no hard feelings 

against you. On the contrary, may Hashem bless you 

with health and hatzlacha.” Reb Moshe continued showering 

more brachos on this man he’d never met, who had 

spoken against him, but had asked him for forgiveness. 

TWO THOUGHTS 

It isn’t always easy to “forgive and forget.” Especially if 

we have suffered seriously because of the other person. 

Two thoughts can help us overcome our anger so that 

we can forgive those who seem to have harmed us: 

First, we must remember that everything is in 

Hashem’s Hands. If suffering was decreed for us, then if 

this person hadn’t been the agent, some other person 

would have been. So we really don’t have a valid reason 

to bear a grudge against this person. 

Second, the Sfas Emes writes, we should remember 

the words of Chazal: “A person doesn’t sin unless a spirit 

of foolishness first enters into him…” Therefore, we 

should have mercy on him when he realizes his mistake. 

In his merit, writes the Sfas Emes, when Hashem will 

judge us, He will also judge us favorably, with the understanding 

that a spirit of foolishness entered us, and that 

we’re not truly bad, and He will forgive us. 

ASKING FORGIVENESS 

The Chayei Adam (154-155) states: “Although everyone 

must do teshuva every day, and particularly during 

the Aseres Yemei Teshuva, on Erev Yom Kippur the obli- 

40

If suffering was decreed for us, then if this person hadn’t 

been the agent, some other person would have been. 


41 

gation is much, much greater. To spend the entire day in 

thoughts of teshuva, and to be prepared for the purification 

that will come on Yom Kippur. As it is written, ‘Because 

on this day, you will become purified before 

Hashem’” (Vayikra 16:30). 

“Because on Rosh Hashana, we are judged by 

Hashem’s Heavenly Court. But on Yom Kippur, Hakadosh 

Baruch Hu Himself judges us. Therefore, everyone must 

make themselves entirely pure, both from sins against 

Hashem and sins against his fellow man. Because we will 

not be forgiven on Yom Kippur unless we receive their 

forgiveness first. Therefore, even if we merely only 

slighted someone, we must ask his forgiveness. And if he 

doesn’t forgive, we should try again a second time and a 

third time. Each time we ask for forgiveness, we should 

express our plea for forgiveness 

in different ways. 

“Each time we ask for forgiveness, 

we should take three people 

with us (to show that we 

really regret our wrongdoings. 

Some commentaries teach that 

the first time we ask forgiveness, 

it’s sufficient to ask alone, and 

only the second and third time is 

it necessary to bring along three 

people to ask forgiveness in front 

of them). 

“If after three times, he still does not forgive, there’s 

no obligation to ask forgiveness again, (unless he desires 

to do so, lifnim meshuras hadin, going beyond the letter 

of the law.) Rather, he should then take ten people and 

announce in front of them: “I have asked forgiveness according 

to the laws of the Torah, but this person still does 

not forgive me.’ Hashem will see that he has done as 

much as he possibly could, and Hashem will have mercy 

on him.” 

The Gemara (Yoma) cites some examples of the great 

amoraim who asked forgiveness from one another: “Rav 

Yirmiya did something wrong to Reb Abba, so he went 

to his house to ask forgiveness. As he approached the 

doorway, the maid was throwing out the garbage, and 

drops of dirty water fell on him. Reb Yirmiya said, ‘I am 

being made into garbage. As it’s written, “From the 

garbage heaps, Hashem raises the poor”’ (Tehillim 113:7). 

When Reb Abba heard his voice, he came out and said, 

‘Now I have to ask you for your forgiveness.’” 

The Gemara continues: “Rav was reading Torah in the 

yeshiva of Rebbe. When Reb Chiya arrived, Rav started 

from the beginning again. Then Bar Kapara arrived, and 

once again Rav returned to the beginning. Reb Shimon 

the son of Rebbe arrived, and once again Rav returned to 

the beginning. Then Reb Channina bar Chama arrived. 

“Rav said, ‘How many times must I repeat!’ and he 

didn’t repeat if for him. Reb Chanina didn’t forgive Rav 

for this. Rav went to Reb Chanina thirteen Erev Yom Kippurs 

to ask forgiveness, but he didn’t receive forgiveness. 

‘Why didn’t Reb Chanina forgive him Reb Chanina 

had a dream in which he saw Rav standing on top of a 

date tree. This dream meant 

that Rav would become rosh 

yeshiva. Reb Chanina, who 

was then the rosh yeshiva, understood 

that Rav becoming 

the rosh yeshiva meant that 

he would have to die so the 

Rav could take his place. 

Therefore, he didn’t forgive 

him, hoping that Rav would 

feel uncomfortable, retreat to 

Babylon, and become the 

rosh yeshiva there.” 

A HARD MITZVA 

It’s not easy to ask for forgiveness. People generally believe 

that they’re right, and they don’t want to humble 

themselves and say that they made a mistake. 

One year, many people insulted and caused distress 

to Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, ztz”l. He said, “I was expecting 

that on Erev Yom Kippur there would be long 

lines of people waiting to ask me mechila. But only one 

person came to ask me mechila, and I know that person 

wasn’t really guilty of anything.” 

The Gemara (Yoma 87) relates that a butcher once 

sinned against the great Amora, Rav. Rav waited for him 

to come and ask forgiveness, but he never came. So on 

Erev Yom Kippur, Rav went to him, to give him the op-

Chizuk 

“Every year, during my Shabbos teshuva drasha, I asked mechila from 

the entire congregation, in case I’d made a wrong ruling in halacha 


portunity to appease him. As Rav was walking to the 

butcher, he met Rav Huna. “Where are you going” Rav 

Huna asked him. ‘I’m going to make peace with the 

butcher,” Rav answered. Rav Huna replied, “You’re really 

going to kill him” (because Rav Huna knew that the 

butcher probably wouldn’t ask forgiveness, and that because 

of this, the butcher would be punished with 

death). 

Rav stood near the butcher as he was opening the 

head of an animal. The butcher raised his eyes, saw Rav 

and said, “Go away! I have nothing to say to you!” Then 

the butcher took one more hack at the head of the animal 

with his hammer. A bone broke off and hit the 

butcher in the throat, and he died. 

The Aderes (Rav Aryeh 

Eliyahu David Rabinowitz- 

Teumim, ztz”l), in his sefer Nefesh 

David, writes: “Once, I 

got into a dispute with my 

friend Reb Shlomo Aryeh 

Gurwitz, and we didn’t speak 

with each other for quite 

some time. Then, on the 

night of Yom Kippur, I reminded 

myself that I must 

make shalom with him, to receive 

his forgiveness, if I want 

to have forgiveness on Yom Kippur. So I went to his beis 

medrash and, in front of the entire community, I asked 

his forgiveness. It was very embarrassing for me. But in 

my heart, I felt an immense, endless happiness.” 

The Aderes also writes there, “Every year, during my 

Shabbos teshuva drasha, I asked mechila from the entire 

congregation, in case I’d made a wrong ruling in halacha 

(for example, if I said that a chicken wasn’t kosher, when 

it really was), or if I caused people to wait too long in 

line before I was able to answer their questions, or for 

any other misdeed or mistake. I likewise forgive everyone 

in the congregation. No one has to come to me especially 

to ask mechila, because I’m mochel everyone 

already right now.” 

SEEKING FORGIVENESS 

The gaon Rabbi Shmuel Shtrashun of Vilna, the 

Rashash (1794-1872), had a very organized gemach that 

lent money to the poor. The details of every loan were 

carefully recorded. One time he lent a sum of money to 

someone, an ordinary person. They agreed on a day of 

payment, which was recorded in his ledger. On the day 

the debt was due, the man went to the home of the 

Rashash to return the money, but the Rashash wasn’t 

there. So he went to the beis medrash and found the 

Rashash deeply engrossed in his learning. He gave him 

the money and told him that the money was to pay his 

debt. The Rashash nodded, took the money, told him 

that it was fine, and immediately 

returned to his studies. As 

soon as the man left, the 

Rashash forgot the entire 

episode; the money remained 

tucked inside the Gemara. The 

Rashash went home and returned 

his Gemara to the shelf. 

Checking through his 

gemach ledger, the Rashash saw 

that the man was overdue to 

repay his debt, so he called him 

to come to his house. When he 

asked for the money, the man replied, “I returned it to 

you, while you were learning in the beis medrash!” 

“You’re lying!” the Rashash rebuked him. “Admit your 

crime and pay your debt!” But the man insisted that he 

had paid the debt. 

Soon the entire city of Vilna heard the story. Naturally, 

everyone assumed that the Rashash was correct, and that 

the man was a thief. People refused to do business with 

him. Impoverished and embarrassed about the entire 

episode, he ran away to a small village nearby. 

Some time later, the Rashash once again took out that 

Gemara and, upon opening it, discovered the money inside. 

He understood what had happened. His entire body 

42

Asking forgiveness, therefore, is a very important mitzva, an 

intrinsic part of the Yom Kippur forgiveness. 


43 

shook because of the terrible mistake he had made. He 

immediately sought out the man and begged his forgiveness. 

“What can I do so you will forgive me for all the distress 

I caused you’ he asked him. “First, I will go the beis 

medrash and I will announce my mistake.” 

“I don’t think that will help,” the man replied. “People 

will still think that I’m a crook, and that you are only announcing 

my innocence because you have mercy upon 

me, because of all the suffering I’m going through.” 

The Rashash realized that the man was right. He 

thought more deeply for a way to make up for the harm 

he’d caused. 

Immediately, he knew the answer, and he didn’t hesitate 

for a moment. “If your son marries my daughter, 

everyone will realize that you are truly innocent,” he said. 

At the vort, the Rashash told the story to everyone, and 

everyone rejoiced. 

ONENESS 

The Pirkei d’Rabbi Eliezer (46) cites yet another reason 

why it’s important to ask forgiveness and end all disputes 

before Yom Kippur: “The Satan goes to Hashem on Yom 

Kippur and says, ‘Master of the World! You have a nation 

in the world which is similar to angels. Just as the angels 

are barefoot, so are the Yidden barefoot. Just as the angels 

do not have knees, so are the Yidden without knees 

(as they stand erect on Yom Kippur). Just as the angels 

are clean of all sins, so too the Jewish nation is clean of 

sin. Just as the angels have peace among them, so does 

the Jewish nation on Yom Kippur have peace among 

them.’ Hakadosh Baruch Hu hears the testimony of the 

Satan and He forgives Klal Yisroel.” 

“Therefore,” the Tur (606) writes, “we ask forgiveness 

on Erev Yom Kippur, to be united and one with all Yidden 

on Yom Kippur, in order to receive Hashem’s mercy and 

forgiveness.” 

••• 

Asking forgiveness, therefore, is a very important 

mitzva, an intrinsic part of the Yom Kippur forgiveness. 

But we must remember that asking forgiveness is not the 

ideal way of peace. The ideal way of peace and friendship 

is when the rift and arguments were avoided to begin 

with. 

At the funeral of his wife, Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach 

said, “Although it is customary to ask forgiveness 

from a niftar, I shall not do so. Throughout our entire 

marriage, we never offended or hurt one another. We 

conducted our lives according to the Shulchan Aruch, 

and I have no reason to ask her forgiveness.” 

May we all be entirely purified on this Yom Kippur, 

Amen. 

Reprinted with permission from Mishpacha.

Chizuk 

Together We Stand 


As we approach the Ten Days of Repentance, all G- 

d fearing Jews are seeking ways to be acquitted in 

their judgment, and to be inscribed, together with all of 

Am Yisroel, in the Book of Life. Some are saying Tehillim; 

others are thinking about their life and considering how 

they can improve their deeds, still others are working on 

their character, but everyone is busily trying to merit a favorable 

judgment. 

About a century ago in Poland, a non-Jewish policeman 

stood at a crossroads and watched in amusement as the 

thousands of Chassidim traveled past to spend Rosh 

Hashanah with their Rebbes. 

“Why is everyone traveling” he asked one of the Chassidim. 

“We’re traveling because we’re afraid of G-d!” the Chassid 

answered. He said this with such great fear of Heaven 

that the policeman also started trembling (because the nature 

of fear is that it can be transferred from one person to 

the next,) and said in fright, “All right, all right! Just let me 

live!” 

We’re all running, too, seeking a way to emerge victorious 

in our judgment. 

Many good ideas have been offered about how to succeed 

on the Day of Judgment. One major eitza given is to 

love – and to feel united with – every Jew. Because when a 

person is connected with all Jews, Hashem will no longer 

view him as an individual with his own individual flaws, but 

rather as a part of the wonderful Jewish nation, whose holiness 

and greatness we cannot begin to fathom, and he will 

be judged from that perspective. 

We read in Malachim II that when the prophet Elisha 

would come to the city of Shunam, he would stay in the 

home of a righteous woman, often referred to as the Isha 

Shunamis (4:8). One time, this woman said to her husband, 

“The man who is regularly visiting us is a holy man of G-d. 

Let’s build for him a small attic, and furnish it with a bed, 

table, chair and lamp, so when he comes to us, he can stay 

there.” 

The next time Elisha visited their home, he slept in his 

new quarters. He asked the woman what favor he could do 

for her, whether he could speak on her behalf to the king 

or army commander. 

The woman replied, “I dwell among my people.” (Rashi 

explains: “I live peacefully with everyone, so I don’t need 

any interception from the authorities.”) 

But Elisha heard that she was childless, so he blessed her 

that the following year she would have a son. And so it was. 

The Zohar Hakadosh tells us that this conversation took 

place on Rosh Hashanah (Noach 69). The king that Elisha 

was referring to was the King of kings, Who, during the Ten 

Days of Repentance, is constantly referred to as Hamelech 

Hakadosh, Hamelech Hamishpat. Elisha asked her if he 

should speak to the King on her behalf. Her response was, 

“I dwell among my people.” She was saying, “I don’t want 

44

Because when a person is 

connected with all Jews, 

Hashem will no longer 

view him as an individual 

with his own individual 

flaws, but rather as a part 

of the wonderful Jewish 

nation, whose holiness 

and greatness we cannot 

begin to fathom, and he 

will be judged from that 

perspective. 


45 

Heaven to look at me individually, to single me out, because 

then, perhaps, I will be punished for my sins. Rather, 

I want to be viewed as a part of the Jewish nation.” We learn 

from this Zohar that on Rosh Hashanah, the Day of Judgment, 

it is important to be united with all Jews so that we 

will be judged favorably. 

One Rosh Hashanah, the Chozeh of Lublin sat dejectedly 

in his room; he didn’t have the strength to come out 

for tekias shofar. In his great humility, he couldn’t find any 

merit for himself, and he felt unworthy of the great mitzva 

of listening to the shofar. 

Then he remembered that once, his gabbai had forgotten 

to prepare his negel vasser. The Chozeh had been quite 

upset and was about to shout at this gabbai. But then he 

had remembered that Chazal teach that all those who become 

angry are compared to idol worshippers. And he had 

thought, is the negel vasser so important that I should commit 

a sin that’s comparable to idol worship He cleansed 

his heart from all anger and forgave his gabbai. In this merit, 

the Chozeh went to hear the shofar. 

In the great merit of erasing anger, and increasing love 

and understanding and unity among Jews, may we all be 

inscribed for a Kasiva Vachasima Tova.

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Weight Loss and Teshuva 

Getting in shape, 

physically and spiritually 

By Ayelet 


Once again, my clothes don’t fit. Yep, the same ones 

that fit just fine three months ago. Perhaps they all 

shrank A likely culprit: the dryer did it. I’d like to believe it myself, 

rather than blaming it on chocolate. Such a lovely thing 

is chocolate, why attach bad memories to it 

I’ve been watching my weight. I’ve watched it so well, it hasn’t 

gone anywhere. Matter of fact, I’ve accumulated more of 

it, just by watching it! These skills are acquired, mind you. 

The truth is, I know the reasons why I gain weight. I eat too 

much. I don’t exercise enough. Plain and simple, no complications. 

And I know the formula to fix the problem. It works every 

time: Eat less, exercise more. But as many times as I gain and 

lose, eventually I go through the same routine over and over 

again. 

This pattern of failure sure doesn’t help to get me motivated 

to try again. This same problem can often sabotage the 

process of teshuva, returning to be the best person I can be. 

Considering I can’t even seem to stay on a diet, how can I 

honestly say I’ll never repeat my past mistake and stay committed 

to a life-changing mission 

No Quick Fix 

With both weight loss and teshuva, it’s not about quick 

fixes, but about a lifestyle change. 

On some crazy diets I’ve tried, I push myself beyond my 

limit, and the first day is very successful. Then the second day 

is a little less successful. Each day afterward is just a spiral path 

downward until the diet has failed me again. 

It’s the same with my unsuccessful attempts to conquer 

my bad habits. I start my teshuva “diet” and go on a strict plan 

to stop immediately. And the first day I am very successful. But 

48

Doing teshuva means recognizing my behavior patterns 

that don’t work, working on letting go of them, and integrating 

good character traits into my life. 


49 

just like that crash diet, my teshuva process crashes as well. 

Crash diets don’t work. Fly-by-night teshuva doesn’t work 

either. Losing weight means changing my eating style and pattern, 

relating differently to food, and integrating exercise and 

healthy habits into my life. Doing teshuva means recognizing 

my behavior patterns that don’t work, working on letting go 

of them, and integrating good character traits into my life. 

This year, my list of Rosh Hashana Resolutions will include 

“Get in Shape!” And I figure, the same basic principles that will 

get me in shape physically, will also get me back in shape spiritually: 

Believe in Myself - I know I can only have the courage 

and strength to try if I think I can do it. Why bother trying to 

lose weight or to do teshuva if I don’t think I could accomplish 

my goals I need to believe in myself enough to really give it all 

I have and try my best to make it happen. So my first step is to 

believe that no matter what, I know I can do this! 

Make a Plan - It is very easy to say “I want to lose weight,” 

or “I want to be a better person,” but without a clear plan and 

goal, I don’t know where I am heading, and I can’t possibly find 

my way there. With specific planning and goal setting, I can 

map out the right way. 

Take Small Steps - If I take on too much at once, I will 

burn out very quickly. By cutting out all of my favorite treats, 

or by cutting out all possible slander and gossip from my life, 

I know that I am setting myself up for failure. I am not going 

to be an angel overnight. I need small steps to make changes. 

So the first day, maybe it will be no chocolate after 6 p.m., or 

no speaking about anyone else in any negative way before 2 

p.m. And once I can handle that and move on, I can make bigger 

changes. Slow integration is the key to long-term effects. 

Think of the Big Picture - If I live my life wanting and 

expecting instant gratification, I will often regret my choices 

later. That brownie might taste good now (really good!) but 

how will I feel when I weigh myself That clever and witty yet 

very hurtful remark might bring a few laughs right now, but 

how will I feel when my relationships are affected by my lack 

of sensitivity toward people’s feelings By not going after the 

instant gratification, I can look at the big picture and see how 

my choices will affect me later on. I can live without the 

brownie. I can love without the hurt. 

Make Lifestyle Changes - Successful weight loss and 

teshuva can really only be accomplished by a true change in 

my lifestyle and behavior pattern. By integrating new habits 

into my life, I am not just going on a diet that might last a day 

or maybe if I’m lucky, a month. I am making changes in who I 

am and how I relate to food. I am also making those soul 

choices that will transform the way I relate to myself and others. 

Resist Temptation - The easiest thing, of course, is to 

avoid temptation. But temptation is everywhere. (Am I supposed 

to not go to weddings because the shmorg will be too 

delicious Stop speaking with friends because we may slip up 

and gossip) By being aware of surrounding temptation, I can 

be prepared to fight it. 

Get Over Minor Setbacks - There is really no such thing 

as a major setback. My problem is that I let my minor setbacks 

turn into major ones. Okay, I had a donut! So what Get back 

on the program. The problem is that I tell myself, It’s all over. I 

might as well have the rest of the dozen. If only I were able to 

look at that donut as minor setback and get right back on my 

diet, it would never be such a big deal. The way to accomplish 

anything meaningful in life is slowly but surely, little by little, a 

few steps forward and sometimes a few steps back. 

Monitor Progress - With weight loss, each week I can 

weigh myself and see how I’m doing. I can look back and see 

what’s working and what’s not. With teshuva, a great way to 

monitor progress is with Cheshbon Hanefesh, a daily accounting 

of the soul where I sit down for just five minutes each night 

with a notebook and pen, and I look back at my day and see 

where I accomplished my goals, where I was challenged, and 

in what areas I need to try harder tomorrow. 

No giving up - Sometimes it’s hard and I’d like to quit. 

That’s when I pray to Hashem to give me the strength and resolve 

to persevere, and the clarity to know that my goal is too 

important to ever stop trying. 

This year, may we all have success in our endeavors to get 

in shape, physically and spiritually!

Chizuk 

Daunting 

Dilemmas 


50 

Q 

: Looking back at my years of infertility, I must admit that it was hard to share 

in the simchas of my friends that B”H moved on. I have now B”H been helped 

after fifteen years of infertility. I want so much to share my simcha with the people closest 

to me – my friends still living with infertility. What should I do Should I invite them 

to my simcha Will it hurt them if I do or don’t invite them Please help me. 

:There is no simple response to this dilemma. Every person reacts differently. I 

A would suggest that you do invite your close friends, but without any pressure 

whatsoever to actually attend. Let them know that you still feel for them and understand 

if they cannot join you, for whatever reason. Give them an easy way out. 

You might say, “I’d love to have you join us at our simcha if you’re able to attend…” 

You can assure them that you had them in mind throughout your labor – do make 

sure to take along their names with you to the hospital – and hope and pray that soon 

you will be able to share in their simchas. 

And please be assured that they are happy for you, even if they do not attend your 

simcha – or even if they do attend and cry throughout. Emotions are complicated. 

Tears are the language of the heart, and what an expressive language it is. 

May all be faced with this dilemma during the coming new year, as bezras Hashem 

Yisbarach, all our prayers will be answered, one by one. 

Miriam Liebermann, MSW

Chizuk 

Ask the Expert 

Bitachon vs. Hishtadlus: 

A Balance 

By Rebbitzen Faige Twerski 


Q:I recently had a conversation with a PIF friend, and when we said our goodbyes, I started thinking. 

This friend of mine is going through infertility too. The major difference between us (not to compare, just to 

get my point across) is that she is taking it soooo much harder than me to a point where she literally cries herself to sleep 

every night. Infertility is the only thing on her mind! I, on the other hand, am just trying to live life to its fullest and am 

making the most of this time with my husband at my side. 

She, B”H, is on the road to parenthood now… and this is what got me thinking. Isn't there a concept of how much suffering 

Hashem meant for a person to go through, and only after that will the person's salvation come The pain she went 

through from day one of her marriage until her positive result is far greater than the pain I'm going through, because I'm 

not letting myself get there. 

Galus Mitzrayim was for 210 years instead 400 because the Jewish people’s suffering was so great it was as if it lasted for 

400 years. So, if I’m not drowning in misery and tearing up at the slightest comment, will my infertility journey or any other 

nisayon last longer 

I know that the way a person takes their nisayon is also bashert, so how is this concept explained! 

52


53 

Rebbitzen Faige Twerski responds: 

The key to dealing with any situation is balance. In this 

case, it is finding the balance between “hishtadlus”, doing 

what one can, and “bitachon”, faith that Hashem is a loving 

and benevolent parent. 

Your friend’s complete preoccupation with having a 

child and living a life of misery is not a gauge of her level of 

pain nor is G-d’s response time to her predicament a result 

of that misery. Your friend’s preoccupation is her way of 

coping with a challenging situation. 

Someone who was never able to 

have children advised me that one’s 

outward presentation of equanimity is 

not necessarily an indicator of the hurt 

and turmoil they walk around with 

every day. The same concept applies to 

people that are challenged in different 

ways; parents that have lost children, 

people that have lost loved ones, families 

of children with special needs all 

deal with their pain differently. 

Your capacity to enjoy life and the 

time that you share with your husband 

is a demonstration of your ability to find the balance that 

is important in your journey through life. You “daven”, say 

“tehillim”, and clearly you are exploring whatever interventions 

are available to you, and you have “bitachon” that 

Hashem hears you. You appreciate the gifts that you do 

have (your husband) and you choose to “live life to its 

fullest”. This does not diminish your pain, but it allows you 

to celebrate life as you continue to experience challenges. 

The way that we 

handle them is 

our choice. 

Hashem wants 

our “tefillos”. 

The “seforim” talk about the importance of “simcha” 

(joy). Simcha is a very powerful tool that is used against 

the “yetzer hora” (evil inclination). The “yetzer hora” has 

much greater control over a person that is distressed and 

cheerless. The transition from distress to hopelessness can 

be an easy one. The seforim also indicate that when one 

accepts Hashem’s “gezaira” (plan) with “simcha”, their “simcha” 

has the power to transform that “gezaira”. 

You mentioned “Galus Miztayim” and how the exile was 

shortened from 400 to 210 years because of the excessive 

suffering. “Galus Miztrayim” was not something that the 

Jews created or chose. Hashem orchestrated it, and as a 

result of its intensity, Hashem chose to shorten it to 210 

years. Hashem gives us our “nisyonos”. The way that we 

handle them is our choice. Hashem wants our “tefillos”. 

Our “imahos” were barren. Chazal tell us that this was because 

Hashem wanted their “tefillos”. He wanted to establish 

a relationship with them. “Hashem desires the prayers 

of the righteous.” Hashem wants a relationship 

with us. He desires our 

prayers, but not our misery. Even in the 

midst of our pain, it is important to 

“live”, remain cognizant of what we do 

have, and retain our “bitachon”. 

When Yosef’s brother sold him into 

slavery, this was the ultimate betrayal. 

Yet the torah talks about the caravan 

that picked Yosef up and transported 

him to Egypt. Rashi explains that the 

caravan was carrying aromatic spices as 

opposed the foul smelling leather 

(which was a more typical transport) so that Yosef would 

have a more pleasant journey. Why would anyone care 

about Yosef’s method of travel after he was betrayed and 

left to die by his brothers The “miforshim” explain that 

this experience is a lesson for all of us, throughout the ages. 

Even during our greatest trials and tribulations, through 

tragedy and sorrow, Hashem is there. Somewhere in the 

pain, there is an aromatic spice, an aroma, that if we believe, 

we will recognize as Hashem’s demonstration of his love 

and connection to us. 

May you continue to appreciate your blessings, daven 

as our “imahos” did, live your life with “simcha”, and may 

Hashem answer your tefillos and fulfill “kol mishalos lebaich 

letovah.”

Chizuk 

Lessons of Life 

Written by Regina Brett, 90 year old, Cleveland, Ohio 


To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the lessons life taught me… 

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. 

When in doubt, just take the next small step. 

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 

Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends or parents will. Stay in touch. 

Pay off your credit cards every month. 

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 

Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone. 

Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 

When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 

Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. 

Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it. 

Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 

Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. 

Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. 

When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer. 

Don’t save your favorite things for a special occasion. Today is special. 

Over prepare, and then go with the flow. 

Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple. 

The most important organ is the brain. 

No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 

Frame every so-called disaster with these words “In five years, will this matter” 

Always choose life. 

Forgive everyone everything. 

What other people think of you is none of your business. 

Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 

However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

Believe in miracles. 

Hashem loves you because of who Hashem is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do. 

Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 

Growing old beats the alternative – dying young. 

All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 

Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 

If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back. 

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 

The best is yet to come. 

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 

Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift. 

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves. 

54

I Asked. . . 


I asked G-d to take away my pride, and 

G-d said, “No.” He said it was not for Him to 

take away, but for me to give up. 

I asked G-d to grant me patience, and G-d 

said, “No.” He said that patience is a by-product 

of overcoming challenges. It isn’t granted; 

it is earned. 

I asked to give me happiness, and G-d said, 

“No.” He said He gives blessings. Experiencing 

happiness is up to me. 

I asked G-d to spare me pain, and G-d said, 

“No.” He said “Suffering draws you apart from 

worldly cares and brings you closer to me.” 

I asked G-d to make my spirit grow, and G-d 

said, “No.” He said I must grow on my own. 

But He will prune my spirit to make it more 

fruitful. 

I asked G-d to help me love others, as much 

as He loves me, and G-d said, “Ah, finally you 

got the idea.” 

I asked for strength… and G-d gave me difficulties 

to make me strong. 

I asked for wisdom… and G-d gave me problems 

to solve. 

I asked for courage… and G-d gave me danger 

to overcome. 

I asked for love… and G-d gave me troubled 

people to help. 

I asked for favors… and G-d gave me opportunities. 

I received nothing I wanted… I received 

everything I asked for… My prayers have been 

answered. 

55

Chizuk 

Music 

A symphony 

Created by its master 

The Musician 

Off to the side 

There stands the listener 

Wondering 

Why did he press this key 

Why not that one 

The Musician 

Turns around 

And tries to explain 

But the listener 

He has no clue 

He doesn’t even know 

Anything 

About music 

But he stands 

And waits 

To hear 

Its beautiful melody 

So sweet 

Life 

A symphony 

Created by its master 

The One Above 

In the world 

There stands man 

Wondering 

Why did this happen 

Why didn’t that happen 

The One Above 

Looks down 

And says 

My dear child 

You have no clue 

You don’t even know 

Anything 

About life 

But we will live 

To hear 

The beautiful melody 

Of the Geulah 

So sweet 


56

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Chizuk 

On The Wings 

Of The Dove 

By Rebbetzin Tzippora Heller 


QHow can I face Yom Kippur this year with genuine 

sincerity The changes that I usually make are superficial 

and temporary. 

AAuthentic, enduring change begins in your inner 

world. Start looking inward by reviewing the last 

time you spoke lashon hara. Revisit the externals of the situation: 

who was there, why you slipped, how it felt, and 

then move inward. 

Ask yourself, “What was in it for me I have been to the 

shemiras halashon conventions, read all the books, made 

the resolutions, even felt the deep anguish of knowing how 

destructive I can be both to myself and to others. What exactly 

caused me to go against all this awareness” 

Different people will find different answers. For some, 

the desire to appear sophisticated and knowledgeable is 

what does it, especially if the need to mask one’s own vulnerability 

is very great. For others, the issue may be assuaging 

jealous feelings by cutting one’s “rival” down to size. 

Regardless of the deeper reason, instinctive grabbing for 

what you can get when you can get it invariably part of the 

picture. 

58


59 

The greater the degree to which we are honest with ourselves, 

remaining aware of and giving direction to our 

“other self,” the more likely we are to achieve real change. 

Inside, we discover the yetzer hara, which is the part of 

us that takes joy, that feels power and self-affirmation, in 

the defeat of our rivals, even when we are behaving 

kenegged Hashem. We also find the nefesh habeheimis, the 

instinctive, animalistic side of our spiritual nature, as opposed 

to pure evil. Evil must be dealt with intelligently and 

unflinchingly (and this is where the reading and conventions 

come in), and it can be defeated with a strong dose 

of Hashem’s help, but our nefesh beheimis is here to stay. 

We will always be territorial and survival-oriented, attracted 

to the basic physical pleasures that are part and 

parcel of this world. This instinct can “sleep,” allowing us 

the dangerous illusion that is no longer alive, but it will live 

as long as we do. The greater the degree to which we are 

honest with ourselves, remaining aware of and giving direction 

to our “other self,” the more likely we are to achieve 

real change. 

The haftara on Yom Kipper presents two approaches to 

taming the beast. Sefer Yona, the Vilna Gaon tells us, is both 

the story of a prophet and the story of every soul. The soul 

is called yona, the dove, because of its instinctive desire to 

cleave to Hashem unconditionally and eternally – like the 

dove, who is ever loyal to its mate and, unlike other birds, 

will submit to the slaughterer’s knife without flinching or 

flapping its wings. 

It is also called ben Amitai, “son of the Truthful One,” 

since the soul also knows the truth instinctively. Its mission 

is to “go to the Great City,” the tumultuous, fascinating 

world out there, and “call out G-d’s Name,” make His Presence 

known, because “its evil has risen before Me.” What it 

its evil The Gaon tells us that there is only one accusation: 

“You have defiled My Sanctuary.” Hashem created for us a 

world that is bold, beautiful and engaging, but we are to 

use it with awareness and sanctity. Tragically, we tend to 

let our animal selves lead us aimlessly. 

Yona escaped to Tarshish, which was the richest and 

most colorful storehouse of wealth in the ancient world. 

He descended to Yaffo, which means “beauty,” in order to 

escape the challenge of his mission. 

The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rav Shalom Ber, zy”a, tells us in 

his Kuntres Ha’avoda that there are two ways for us to take 

hold of the reins once again, so that we will be leading the 

“animal” rather than being led by it. Both involve changing 

our relationship to Hashem. One is awe of Hashem, and the 

other is love of Hashem. 

Awe is instinctive. It speaks the same language as the 

animal, provides us with the means of moving in a completely 

different direction. Through daily mediation on the 

physical world itself, its astounding intricacy, and its overwhelming 

and constantly changing beauty, we can move 

closer to reflecting on Hashem’s Presence in our own lives, 

His providence and His interventions. We can learn to see 

ourselves as part of the creation itself, just as dependent 

and subservient as a leaf or a sunset. This leads us to ask 

new questions, such as “How can I serve the Master” 

The other path is developing our love of Hashem, which 

is not a matter of instinct. When we say our daily prayers, 

we can focus on the truth of the words, both in the broadest 

and most general sense, and also in the most intimate 

and specific sense. Because this is counterintuitive, prayer 

is called avoda, “work.” It sharpens our sensitivity to the 

One we are addressing and helps us feel the same sort of 

closeness throughout the day. 

Ahava and yira are called “wings.” When we learn to use 

our wings, we can fly. 

Reprinted with permission from Hamodia.

Chizuk 

Relationships 

Solving Problems 

in Your Relationship 

Adapted by Brany Rosen 


Now that you learnt to take your focus off of your 

problems and put the focus onto the pleasant, enjoyable 

aspects of your relationship, you have created an 

atmosphere that is conducive to effective problem solving. 

Take a moment and imagine the problem in your relationship 

– gone! What would your lives be like Would you 

be happier 

Of course, you would! That’s the miracle of working on 

your relationship alone; you can feel better about yourself 

and your spouse right away. 

Note that none of the approaches has anything to do 

with “discussing” or expressing feelings. One of the most 

common traditional methods couples have used to solve 

problems is to discuss them. As often as not, these “discussions” 

turn into an argument and cause both sides to become 

more entrenched and angry. 

60

Marriage is a process of negotiating over and over when to 

meet your needs at your spouse’s expense and when to 

meet your spouse’s needs at your expense. 


61 

Some solutions will work beautifully for you. Sometimes 

the results will be a bit sloppy. Sometimes the whole thing 

will bomb. Remember to treat everything you do as an experiment. 

What you may learn from an experiment is that 

it doesn’t work for you. So you have learned something 

valuable, and you are far better of than if you had never 

tried the experiment at all. But I’m willing to bet you will 

find ideas here that you haven’t tried. If you believe that 

they have the possibility of working, and you have the 

courage and good will to implement them, you could see 

wonderful changes in the quality of your relationship. 

There are eight specific approaches. These are 

concrete actions you can take to solve the problems in your 

relationship: (I will explain each one in coming issues.) 

• Act On Your Own 

• Reverse Direction: Do the Opposite of What You have 

Been Doing 

• Reframe the Power Struggle 

• Enlist Your Spouse’s Help in Solving Your Problem 

• Express Empathy for Your Spouse’s Position 

• Gracefully Accept What You Can’t Change 

• Ask for What You Want 

• 8A. For Men Only: Space In 

• 8B. For Women Only: Stop Coaching 

You Balance the Scales 

Marriage is a process of negotiating over and over when 

to meet your needs at your spouse’s expense and when to 

meet your spouse’s needs at your expense. The giving and 

taking must be kept in approximate balance over a period 

of time. 

Most people make the mistake of assuming that both 

spouses have to cooperate to keep the scales balanced, that 

both spouses have to do their share: “If I give a certain percentage 

of the time, my spouse should give about the same 

amount.” This is a huge mistake in any relationship, but especially 

when you have undertaken to work on the relationship 

by yourself, since you have no control over how 

much your spouse gives. 

The secret to success is to be willing to take the responsibility 

yourself of keeping the giving and taking in balance. 

It’s not that you make certain that you give a certain 

amount and your spouse gives a certain amount, but rather 

that you give a certain amount and you take a certain 

amount. 

If you are like most people, you imagine an invisible balance 

scale between you and your spouse, and begin to feel 

cheated if you think you are giving more than receiving. 

Erase the picture. The balance scales that matter are not 

positioned between you and your spouse; they are positioned 

entirely within you. The balance scale you should 

be watching is not how much am I giving and how much 

am I receiving from my spouse: A far healthier balance is to 

keep an eye on is how much am I giving and how much am 

I taking care of my own needs. You can balance the scale all 

by yourself – by acting on your own when you are certain 

you are doing the right thing for yourself, and then giving 

to your spouse when you know it will not be too great a 

sacrifice for you. 

This shift – from hoping your partner will take care of 

your needs to being willing to take care of yourself – is at 

the very heart of working on your relationship by yourself. 

You can be the “big” person and be generous and giving 

often – if you have taken care of your own needs on issues 

of the greatest importance to you. 

Acting on your own is deeply empowering, because it 

puts you completely in charge. You are not dependent on 

your spouse to make you feel good about your life. Now, 

everything you receive from your spouse is a delicious treat. 

Don’t expect your spouse to take care of your needs. Instead, 

be certain that you meet your spouse’s needs often, 

so that when you feel a deep inner certainty about something 

you need for yourself, you can feel fine about doing 

it even if it makes your spouse uncomfortable or unhappy. 

Your Spouse’s Response 

Of course, as you have already realized while reading

Chizuk 

Remember, you do not need to persuade your partner that you are 

right. If your partner gets angry or argues with you, don’t argue back. 

this, when you act on your own, your spouse will respond. 

Amazingly, often your spouse’s response will be positive. 

Most people want to be married to a capable, independent, 

fully functioning adult, and they will like the 

person they see taking charge. Your spouse may be angry 

at first, but later may be grateful that you found away to 

get your message across. You may be solving a problem 

that has been plaguing both of you and that your partner 

no longer has to worry about. 

But sometimes, your partner will have difficulty with 

your newfound independence. Your solo actions signal a 

change in you that may make him or her uncomfortable or 

anxious. If your spouse is used to having all the power in 

your relationship and controlling everything, he or she 

could feel threatened. 

Remember, you do not need to persuade your partner 

that you are right. If your partner gets angry or argues with 

you, don’t argue back. Instead, be empathetic and decisive. 

“I don’t blame you for being upset. I can understand why 

you feel the way you do. But this is very, very important to 

me, and I am going to do it. I’m really sorry you don’t like 

it, but I need to do it this way.” 

If you have a longstanding habit of acquiescing to your 

spouse, and are upsetting a well-established pattern in your 

relationship by acting on your own, you may both feel confused 

and uneasy for a while. That’s okay. Try very hard not 

to argue with your spouse about this. You will help both of 

you move through this period of transition if you acknowledge 

the validity of your spouse’s point of view – but remain 

firm in your conviction and decisive in your actions. 

The secret to success in dealing with any negative reactions 

by your mate is always to be both empathetic and decisive. 

To be continued… 

COLU MBIA 

C OLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS 

UNIVERSITY 

& SURGEONS 

Fertility Treatment 

• Fertility Assessment • IVF • Male Infertility • Endoscopic Surgery 

For Appointments: 646-756-8282 • For Information: 646-756-8294 

www.columbiafertility.org


Associates of Connecticut 

Norwalk, Danbury, Greenwich 

800-865-5431 

www.rmact.com 

Fairfield County 

Richard T. Scott, Jr., md, facog, hcld 

Mark P. Leondires, md, facog 

Spencer S. Richlin, md, facog 

Joshua M. Hurwitz, md, facog 

Cynthia Murdock, md, facog 

Westchester County 

John J. Stangel, md, facog 

The most advanced infertility treatments. 

Physicians that always have time. 

An occasional hug. 

And most importantly… 

Hope.

Chizuk 

A Low-Tech Approach to Fertility: 

Just Relax 

A conversation with Sarah l. Berga 

By Randi Hutter Epstein, M.D. 


Dr. Sarah L. Berga has devoted her career to one of the 

most hotly debated subjects in the fertility business: 

getting pregnant without costly drugs. She is one of a handful 

of physician-scientists exploring how chronic stress may keep 

some women from ovulating and how relaxation techniques 

may help. 

More precisely, these researchers are examining how 

chronic stress alters brain signals to the hypothalamus, the 

walnut-size organ that serves as the master of ceremonies 

overseeing the delicately timed hormonal dance. Or as a Dr. 

Berga puts it, she explores “how the hypothalamus talks to 

the pituitary that in turns talks to the ovary.” 

Her research suggests that a cascade of events, beginning 

with stress, leads to reduced levels of two hormones crucial 

for ovulation. And her published studies, small but scrupulous, 

are starting to convince her critics. 

In a study of 16 women reported in 2003 in the journal 

Fertility and Sterility, Dr. Berga showed ovulation was restored 

in 7 of 8 women who underwent cognitive behavioral therapy, 

compared with 2 of 8 who did not ovulate and had excessive 

levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, in the brain fluid. 

Dr. Berga spoke recently about her research from her office 

at Emory University. 

QYou’ve studied not only people but also animals. What 

did those studies tell you about stress 

ABefore we did the 16-woman study, we studied monkeys. 

We found that when we stressed monkeys alone, 10 

percent stopped menstruating temporarily. When we added 

exercise and limited their food intake, again about 10 percent 

stopped menstruating temporarily. But when we combined 

stress, exercise, and cut down on food, 75 percent became 

amenorrheic. 

QThen you did a similar study in which two groups of 

women – one group with normal ovulation, the other 

group with stress-related amenorrhea – exercised almost to 

their full potential. What did you find 

AWe saw that if you are stressed when you start exercise, 

your body reacts differently than if you are not chronically 

stressed and exercise. Not only does it appear that exercise was 

more stressful for already stressed women, but certainly exercise 

did not help them lower their stress hormones, which is, of 

course, one reason people take up exercising. 

64


65 

Q 

Today, you head a department at a prestigious 

university, which must help you promote your 

message. How was your research received initially 

AWith great skepticism. There are definitely more 

people now who endorse our work but there is 

certainly a group that doesn’t want to believe it. Chronic 

stress, whether emotional or physical, taxes the body. We 

can accept that stress is linked to heart disease, but not to 

fertility. 

Q 

Are you saying that a woman who may have had a 

stressful month at work is hurting her fertility Isn’t 

life without stress impossible 

AWe are talking about chronic stress related to behavior 

or personality. People are designed to endure acute 

stress. That is part of life. I am telling women, and men, that 

it is important to find a balance and learn to cope with 

their stress. 

Q 

Some of your work focuses on undereaters and 

overexercisers. Isn’t it the nutritional state that is 

hurting the women, not their mental state 

AAnorexia or excessive exercise can certainly make 

woman stop menstruating. But I believe that many of 

these women undertake exercise or limit food intake to 

deal with stress. I believe that treating the underlying stress 

is more likely to encourage women to relax, eat healthier 

and exercise rather than just telling women to change their 

diet and exercise regime. 

Q 

Do you hope that your research will change the way 

fertility treatment is administered How would you 

want to see it change 

AIdeally, it would be good for doctors and patients to 

understand the link between stress and fertility so 

that they would know when to offer some sort of 

intervention. For instance, cognitive behavioral therapy is 

a relatively simple and inexpensive 16-week program that 

sometimes removes the need for expensive and risky 

infertility drugs and procedures. 

Q 

It 

sounds as if you’re against fertility drugs, which are 

a necessary component on in vitro fertilization. 

AWe do IVF in this department. I like to think we offer 

the least technology necessary to get the job done. I 

do think that with a certain population of women – 

women who may be infertile due to stress – benefit the 

least from IVF Others absolutely need these drugs and 

procedures. I also believe that it is imperative that doctors 

communicate the risks of drugs and help patients 

understand when they are and are not necessary. 

Q 

You have not studied the fetus as much as female 

hormones, but do you believe that stress hurts the 

fetus 

AI do believe stress on the mother may imprint the fetal 

genome forever. There is some pretty solid animal 

research, done by other researchers, and some highly 

suggestive human studies. The mother is the sole source of 

thyroxine for the fetus during the first trimester of 

pregnancy, and the major source of thyroxine for the second 

two trimesters. And thyroxine is absolutely vital for 

appropriate fetal brain development. I think doctors should 

tell women what if the maternal component is stressed; the 

fetal component will also be exposed to maternal stress 

hormones. 

Q 

In the 1940s, Freudian analysts told infertile 

women that lurking antimaternal thoughts made 

them sterile. Feminists later attacked this theory. Do you 

think of yourself as a continuum of this practice, or do 

you feel your ideas are completely different 

ABack then they did not know the mechanisms and 

they intuited relationships, but they were not all 

wrong. They were closer to the truth than we’d like to 

believe. The truth is that if you are not in harmony with 

yourself and your culture, you are stressed. That is totally 

different from Freud. 

Q 

Do you insist all of your patients have cognitive 

behavioral therapy before drug therapy 

AI try to come at it from the perspective of suggestion. 

I went into women’s health to protect women’s 

autonomy, so the last thing I would want to do is to make 

a decision for my patients without their input. At the end 

of the day, it’s the couple who is trying to get pregnant who 

bears the most immediate consequences. 

From: The New York Times 9/4/07

Medical 

BREAKING NEWS 

Growing Immature Human Egg Cells To Nearly Mature Egg In Laboratory 

Could Save Cancer Patients’ Fertility 


The tiny translucent egg nestled in the special laboratory gel 

was a mere 30 days old, but its four-week birthday caused researchers 

to quietly celebrate. This was the first time anyone had 

successfully grown a woman’s immature egg cells, contained in a 

tiny sac called a follicle, to a healthy and nearly mature egg in the 

laboratory. When an egg is fully mature, it is ready to be fertilized. 

The researchers from Northwestern University Feinberg School 

of Medicine have completed the first critical step in the development 

of a new technique, which, if successful in the next steps, may 

eventually provide a new fertility option for women whose cancer 

treatments destroy their ability to reproduce. 

The nearly mature follicles grown for 30 days in the laboratory 

had been plucked from ovarian tissue of cancer patients before they 

began chemotherapy and radiation treatments that would destroy 

their fertility. The cancer patients, from Northwestern Memorial 

Hospital, had agreed to participate in the experimental fertility 

study, which was funded by the National Institutes of Health. 

“By being able to take an immature ovarian follicle and grow it 

to produce a good quality egg, we’re closer to that holy grail, which 

is to get an egg directly from ovarian tissue that can be fertilized for 

a cancer patient,” said Teresa Woodruff, chief of fertility preservation 

at the Feinberg School and a member of the Robert H. Lurie Comprehensive 

Cancer Center of Northwestern University. 

“This represents the basic science breakthrough necessary to 

better accomplish our goals of fertility preservation in cancer patients 

in the future,” added Woodruff, who developed the new technique 

with colleagues. 

Woodruff is the senior author of a paper on the findings in the 

66


67 

July 14 issue of the journal Human Reproduction. 

The next step will be for Northwestern researchers to 

try to induce the egg’s final division, called meiosis, so it 

sheds half of its DNA in order to be fertilized. The ultimate 

goal is for scientists to be able to freeze the immature follicles, 

then thaw and mature them in a culture to the point 

where they are ready to be fertilized. 

“This is a very significant achievement because the early 

stage of the human ovarian follicle is really hard to grow in 

vitro. They’re very fragile and delicate,” said Min Xu, a paper 

coauthor and research assistant professor at the Feinberg 

School. 

As the immature egg grew inside the follicle, it produced 

hormones just as it would inside a woman’s body. 

“That’s a good sign that these follicles are healthy. The 

actual egg also is growing to the same size that we would 

see in an egg that a woman’s body has ovulated,” said 

Susan Barrett, a coauthor and post-doctoral fellow at the 

Feinberg School. 

Women currently have few good options to save their 

ability to reproduce after cancer treatment. Men are able 

to freeze their sperm for later use before they begin fertility-destroying 

cancer therapies. The best option to preserve 

the fertility of a female cancer patient is to collect 

her eggs, fertilize them with sperm and freeze the resulting 

embryos. However, this option is often not a practical 

choice because it can delay cancer treatment, can’t be performed 

on those who have not reached puberty, and requires 

fertilization — a problem for those who do not have 

a male partner or do not wish to use donor sperm. 

Other researchers have experimented with freezing entire 

ovaries or strips of ovarian tissue and implanting them 

in a woman’s body once she is ready to have children. But 

for cancer patients, it is possible that cancer cells may be 

present in the ovarian tissue and result in a new cancer 

after the tissue is implanted. However, if follicles could be 

removed from the tissue and grown in the laboratory successfully, 

as this study suggests, then a new fertility preservation 

technique might become available for women who 

could not safely have an ovarian transplant. 

The new Northwestern findings build on earlier research 

by the scientists, who grew mouse follicles in a culture, 

induced the eggs they contained to mature, fertilized 

them with mouse sperm and implanted them into female 

mice to establish pregnancy. The technique produced 

healthy, fertile generations of mice. 

Woodruff, working with Lonnie Shea, professor of 

chemical and biological engineering at McCormick School 

of Engineering and Applied Science, achieved the new advance 

by suspending the human ovarian follicle in two different 

kinds of three-dimensional gels. Previous attempts 

to grow ovarian follicles had been on a flat surface, which 

the researchers now believe does not replicate conditions 

inside the body. These earlier attempts failed to develop 

good quality eggs that were healthy enough for fertilization. 

Woodruff said the research also is significant because 

it is the first time scientists have been able to isolate and 

study a functioning individual human ovarian follicle. 

“Because you don’t take an ovary out of young women, 

we’ve never before been able to look inside the follicle of 

the human and ask how does it work, how do hormones 

change, how does the estrogen change in the follicle” explained 

Woodruff, who also is the Thomas J. Watkins Professor 

of Obstetrics and Gynecology. “We never knew how 

an individual follicle regulated these hormones. This paper 

for the first time shows these individual hormones being 

regulated by one growing follicle.” 

The discovery, Woodruff said, will enable researchers to 

understand how nurse cells (granulosa cells), the cells that 

support and surround the maturing egg, communicate 

with the egg. “They provide a lot of information that the 

egg needs to grow and develop properly,” Woodruff said. 

“It’s a big priority for us to understand how the nurse cells 

talk to the egg.” The information, she said, will help scientists 

understand how eggs grow and develop properly.

Medical 

Small Changes 

Big Gains 


Don’t Forget the Folate 

A few studies have shown that a higher intake of folic 

acid (the synthetic form of folate, which occurs naturally 

in foods like oranges) may improve ovulation. It’s important 

that all women of reproductive age take between 400 

and 800 mcg each day. 

And men who get higher doses of folate make healthier 

sperm, potentially reducing the chances of miscarriage or 

genetic problems in their babies. Researchers at the University 

of California Berkeley’s School of Public Health surveyed 

97 non-smoking men who had no prior history of 

fertility problems and found that men who had the highest 

intake of the vitamin had nearly a 20 percent reduction in 

the number of abnormal sperm compared to men with low 

folate intake. Study co-author Brenda Eskanazi, Ph.D., director 

of the Center for Children’s Environmental Health 

Research at Berkeley, suggests that men considering fatherhood 

should take a daily multivitamin and mineral supplement 

and make sure to get their five servings of fruits and 

veggies a day. 

Eliminate Trans Fats 

In analyzing different types of fats, Dr. Chavarro found 

that trans fats were associated with high risk of infertility. 

Trans fats decrease the body’s ability to react to insulin, and 

women who have insulin resistance or diabetes are more 

prone to irregular ovulation. Trans fats often appear in 

packaged foods as hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated 

oils, or as shortening or vegetable shortening. Real labels 

carefully and avoid trans fats altogether if you can. 

Lose or Gain if You Need To 

If you’re over or underweight, losing or gaining just a little 

can step up your chances of conceiving, according to 

Paul B. Miller, M.D., a reproductive endocrinologist at Uni- 

68

versity Medical Group in Greenville, South Carolina. He 

studied 372 women undergoing IVF (in vitro fertilization) 

and found that those who were under or overweight were 

about half as likely to get pregnant as normal-weight 

women. Why Overweight women overproduce androgens 

(male-type hormones), estrogen and insulin, all of which 

prevent the ovaries from releasing an egg each month and 

negatively affect the quality of eggs that do manage to 

make it out. On the other hand, very thin women have low 

levels of leptin, an appetite and weight regulation hormone. 

When levels get too low, they tell the brain that the body 

does not have enough fat available for reproduction, halting 

ovulation, says Dr. Miller. 

If you’re overweight, losing just 5 percent of your body 

weight can improve ovulatory function. For a 250-pound 

woman, that’s only 12.5 pounds. Dr. Miller advises a lowcarbohydrate 

diet with multiple small meals spread out 

throughout the day, and participation in modest exercise, 

such as walking or weight training. 

Too thin Gaining as little as five pounds may be 

enough. Dr. Miller advises enjoying an extra dessert now 

and then, and avoiding strenuous exercise. “We usually ask 

our avid exercisers to switch from running or aerobics over 

to yoga and/or strength training to avoid any calorie drain 

on their bodies.” 

And men, you’re not off the hook when it comes 

to weight. Both overweight and underweight men tend to 

have problems with sperm quality. 

Relax! 

A study from Harvard University Medical School 

found that group therapy more than doubled the conception 

rate for women who had had trouble getting 

pregnant. Researcher Alice D. Domar, Ph.D., executive director 

of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health at 

Boston IVF in Waltham, Massachusetts, recommends trying 

one (or all) of these relaxation techniques, 10 to 20 

minutes a day, twice a day: 

Meditation: Sit in a quiet room and concentrate on the 

in and out of your breath. If your mind won’t stop chattering, 

focus on word or phrase (like “om”). Whenever you 

feel your thoughts wandering, gently bring your focus 

back to the breath, word or phrase. 

Autogenic training: This technique teaches your body 

to respond to verbal cues in order to achieve deep relaxation. 

For example, repeat the phrase, “My left arm is 

heavy and warm,” then “My legs are heavy and warm,” 

then “My heartbeat is calm and regular.” Visit domarcenter.com 

for books and tapes that teach this relaxation 

method. 

Progressive relaxation: While sitting or lying down, 

concentrate on squeezing and relaxing each of your muscles, 

beginning with the top of your head and ending with 

the tips of your toes. For each muscle, squeeze as hard as 

you can for about eight seconds, and then relax, letting the 

tension leave you through that part of your body. 


69 

••• 

Harav Nosson Wachtfogel, zt”l, related that when 

he first met Harav Yeruchum Levovitz, he studied 

how the Mashgiach ate a meal – not because he wanted to 

be rude or intrusive – but simply in order to understand 

how a Mashgiach treats the entire eating process. 

For a short while, he was puzzled. There was something 

that was different about the way the Mashgiach ate, but 

the young R’ Nosson could not put his finger on it. The 

physical motions appeared a bit different, but the food did 

enter the mouth and was swallowed. 

What was it that the Mashgiach was doing different 

Then, it dawned on him – he realized what was singular 

and special about the manner of eating! When Harav Levovitz 

ate, it appeared as if he was not feeding himself, but 

that a third person was feeding him. It was as if his soul was 

the party in action – doing the Chesed of feeding his body, 

to which it was so connected, and in appreciation of the 

dedicated lodging provided to the soul in this world. 

While we obviously cannot approach the great thought 

processes and levels of accomplishment inherent in Harav 

Levovitz’s daily meals, we should at least, from time to time, 

recognize that our act of eating, which to most of the world 

is unfortunately only a “same-action-as-animal” time, can 

be lifted to a more exalted plane, simply by putting some 

thought into what one is doing before and while he is doing 

it. 

The recital of kapitel 23 in Tehillim before the meal, slow 

and caring brachos on foods, a dignified rather than ravenous 

approach, a brief thought as to what you are eating and 

why, can raise the bar for you and those around you. You 

may not be a Mashgiach, but you certainly can distinguish 

yourself as a noble human being. 

Reprinted with permission from the Hakhel Newsletter

Medical 

Ask the 

Doctor 

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ SUMMER 2009 

Q 

Does anyone know if you receive a positive beta do all the 

same restrictions apply as during the 2ww until you see your 

beta going up Like no exercise, hot tubs, relations, anything like 

that Or does that change if you know you’re pregnant, even if G-d 

forbid the numbers don’t go up 

AWhile there is no scientific data to support restrictions while 

waiting and in early pregnancy, almost all physicians would 

agree to the restrictions that you mentioned, especially heavy 

exercise, lifting or relations. I prefer my pt’s hold off on these 

activities until the pregnancy has been established in utero by 

ultrasound at about 5 1/2 weeks. but that is just my preference. 

Also , if there is a problem (chas v’shalom), then you have not 

opened yourself up to self doubt and blaming any activity for the 

problem 

B’Hatzlacha, 

Dr. Hurwitz 

70

Q 

I am 48 years young and married for the first time 7 months 

ago. I want very much to have a baby. I was told by a couple 

of places that my only option is egg donor. This is not an option for 

me. My FSH is 7 and my E2 is 54, taken on the 4th day of my cycle. 

My ovulation has been at around mikvah time, 12-14 Days. My 

husband says to give it time. I’m afraid I don’t have time to give. 

Should I wait, or is there someone/something that could help my 

chances 

AYour circumstance is unusual, so what we think we know 

about reproduction from “infertile” women may not apply 

exactly. The late 40’s are typically a time of severely reduced natural 

fertility, even in women who had no probelms conceiving earlier. 

There are exceptions to this rule, but most of these women never 

get into a fertility specialist’s office. 

Any legitimate REI doctor will tell you egg donation is the only thing 

to try, since most of us have no success at all in women over 45 or 

so. Nonetheless, if you understand the risks and still want to try, find 

someone who will let you try injectable fertility drugs anyway. They 

might help. 

It is a lousy situation and a terrible answer, full of bad news and 

uncertainties. I apologize. 

G-d bless and good luck. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Peter McGovern 

I am very grateful for what the Almighty has given me. But I do 

very much want a baby. Tell me, are there more risks involved if 

using fertility drugs vs natural What are the risks My main concern 

is that the baby be healthy and “normal”. Also, any suggestions of a 

doc who would help me Thanks again for your time. 

Dr Harry Lieman 

I know Dr. McGovern very well and I hope he is not upset that I 

have chosen to respond to you. I completely agree with his response. 

You may benefit from stimulation with gonadotropins but it is not 

a great situation. 

Your questions are regarding risks of the injections and potential 

of a normal child. 

There are some risks of the gonadotropins but most are related 

to overstimulation of the ovaries. There is a chance for multiple 

pregnancies since these hormones can make you release more than 

one egg as well as developing hyperstimulation syndrome. Neither 

of these are of great concern in your late 40’s though since you will 

probably not get an aggressive response to the hormones. 

There are some controversial data suggesting that fertility drugs 

have been associated with ovarian cancer. The studies are not well 

done but the results have been reported in the media and laypress 

as well. Patients should be made aware of these issues but also appreciate 

that other studies have been done as well that have not 

identified this link to ovarian cancer. This is a complicated issue and 

not best discussed via a post on a bulletin board. 

Risks to the child...is just based on your maternal age. There has 

been no evidence that these hormones (which are the same hormones 

your body is making already) cause any congenital anomalies 

or genetic issues. As women age (and now there are reports that a 

man’s age is an issue too) there is a greater chance of chromosomal 

abnormalities. This could lead to a higher rate of miscarriage or can 

also lead to a birth of a chromosomally abnormal viable child. I am 

not sure of the specific frequency of these abnormalities for your 

age but at the age of 44 it is roughly 1/40 chance. 

I am not sure if I made the difficult situation worse with the 

specifics above. 

Hope this clarified your few questions. 

Harry Lieman, MD 

Montefiore’s Institute for Reproductive Medicine 

Q 

I am 26,have been diagnosed with Turner’s Syndrome.. but not 

to the full extent as I have 46 x but small deletion on the second 

x I am tall.. 5-8 developed normal without any medication no outward 

signs of Turner’s. Only that I got my period when I was 15 then 

sporadically until 21 then no natural period until 24 on some hrt for a 

few months but when off it and then a year and a half later started 

getting natural periods again, about 8 in a year-..last year but stopped 

and haven’t gotten a natural one in about 8 months. so my fsh range 

was about first time I checked when I was 18 was 37- then went down 

to 20 - now its at 40 is there anything that can be done other than egg 

donation which my Rav absoultely does not let Thank you 

AI am an RE and not the geneticist but clinically it sounds like 

you are a Mosaic Turner’s. It means you have two cell lines. 

One that is normal and one that is not and therefore you seem to 

get your menstruation every now and then. You have a high FSH 

but have not become completely menopausal. A Turner’s Syndrome 

patient that is not Mosaic typically has no cycles or has a few cycles 

at an early age and then stops menstruating completely. Since you 

have stopped and re-started it seems like you are not the classic 

Turner’s patient. 

One of the other posts recommended genetics counseling. I 

agree. This entity needs to be clarified exactly before someone gives 

advice to the best therapy and options of carrying your own genetic 

child vs pursuing the need for egg donation. 

If you have a Mosaic Turner’s Syndrome it is possible that you 

can reproduce and have your own genetic child but it is usually by 

chance and not from stimulation/ovulation induction. You will be 

limited in your therapy since we would typically give someone FSH 

injections to develop eggs. You already have elevated FSH and may 

not respond well to the stimulation. 

Get the exact genetic diagnosis and you can take it from there. 

Hope this was helpful. 


Montefiore’s Institute for Reproductive Medicine And Health 

Hartsdale, N.Y. 

Tel # (914) 997-1060 


71

Medical 


Q 

Hi! I’m in middle of my 2ww post IVF. I’ve been having pelvic 

cramps on and off and what feels almost like light 

contractions - tightening. Anyone with this experience What could 

it mean 

AYou are asking a very good question that obviously is shared 

by many other posters. 

The intermittent cramping, stretching, pulling and any other sensations 

do not really mean a whole lot. I get asked this by my patients 

all the time and I counsel them every time that having 

symptoms does not mean anything nor does not having symptoms 

mean anything. I know that this is not a helpful answer, but there 

really is nothing to be learned from these feelings in terms of 

whether you are pregnant or not. 

don’t forget that in IVF, your ovaries enlarge, then have the egg 

retrieval procedure and then have to go back to their normal size. 

Most symptoms you describe can be ascribed to this process and 

don’t have any information regarding whether you are pregnant or 

not. 

My best advice is to not read in to too much and wait the 2 weeks 

(I know, not very easy) for a formal answer from the blood work. 

I hope this helps, B’Hatzlacha, 

Dr. Hurwitz 

Q 

Is it ok to take Aygestin if you could be pregnant 

ADuring pregnancy, natural progesterone is usually prescribed. 

Progesterone comes in several forms: Injections, vaginal 

suppositories or tablets, or oral micronized. The oral form is poorly 

absorbed and may cause excessive sleepiness, so is less popular than 

you would think. Progesterone is often prescribed is pregnancy, 

when a deficiency is suspected. If progesterone levels fall too low, 

the uterus will contract and expel the pregnancy (miscarriage). Low 

progesterone levels naturally occur when an abnormal pregnancy 

fails (the more likely situation), and this is the body’s signal that a 

healthy pregnancy is no longer there and that the uterus should 

evacuate itself. In those cases taking progesterone will delay, but 

NOT prevent the miscarriage. 

Synthetic progesterone-like medications (called progestins) are 

very well absorbed orally and inexpensive. They have been used for 

many years to induce menses, etc. Progestins include norethindrone 

acetate, NETA, Aygestin, Provera, medroxyprogesterone acetate, 

Megace, megestrol acetate, etc. They are NOT recommended for 

use during pregnancy as they all have a modification of the progesterone 

molecule which can interact with the androgen (male hormone) 

receptor. If taken during a pregnancy with a female fetus, 

they can cause virilization or ambiguous genitals, which would not 

be good. 


Q 

DH has undergone TESE four months ago. He recently had 

his post-op evaluation, with ultrasound and bloodwork, to 

track scarring and FSH levels. 

B’h, the ultrasound did not show a lot of scar tissue. However, 

the nurse told me that his testosterone is on the low side. No mention 

of anything else, so I guess this was the only concern (never was 

an issue before surgery). We were told to retest in six months. I asked 

her if there is anything I can do to boost production, like taking vitamins, 

she said just let it heal. A friend of mine told me to give him 

Zinc and Vitamin E supplements. Can there be any harm in taking 

them If not, how much should he be taking We need to wait at 

least two years to try again, so I don’t want to waste time. DH is trying 

to quit smoking, and we want to utilize this time to maximize 

our chances in the future. Any other suggestions 

AHopefully your husband is starting to feel well again now. I am 

a little bit concerned about his low testosterone level, and this 

should definitely be followed as there are good medications that 

can correct this and help boost testes function. As far as vitamins 

go, the male fertility supplement is a good choice as is the zsk brand. 

They both have a variety of anti-oxidants which have shown to limit 

damage to sperm that can occur after they are produced. While no 

one can say for sure they help make sperm, they certainly can’t hurt. 

I think using one of these vitamins is a reasonable choice. Take care 

and good luck. 

Dr. Jonathan Schiff 

Q 

Does Femara have the same lifetime limit as Clomid or does 

it have less risks I am supposed to start 3rd round of Femara 

and if that doesn’t work then switching to Clomid. Does that mean 

I only have 3 cycles of Clomid before I reach my limit of 6 cycles or 

does Femara not have a lifetime limit 

AFemara is a relatively new drug versus clomid and it is being 

used as an “off label” use for ovulation induction. This means 

it has been approved by the FDA for other medical therapies. It just 

so happens that it also has a response that makes women develop 

eggs. There are no long term studies on its use for ovulation 

induction and its effects on the women who have used it 

for 

this. 

Therefore I can’t tell you if it should be included in your overall 

total cycles of stimulation or not and are there any downstream 

concerns in the future. 

However in certain scenarios, 6 cycles of ovulation induction 

would seem like a reasonable option. Has the rest of your evaluation 

been completed Have you had an HSG, Semen analysis 

or some assessment of the sperm number If you have tried a 

few cycles and have been unsuccessful in conceiving it would 

make sense to take the step back now before continuing the 

ovulation induction meds whether it is clomid or femara. If you 

have completed the total evaluation, then again it is not an un- 

72

easonable option to try the total of 6 cycles. If you have not 

conceived after 6 cycles, you may want to move onto some other 

therapy. 

Hope this was helpful. 

The best of luck! 


Q 

Is there any supplements to take when going through ivf to 

improve embro quality Also would accupuncture help 

AIt is important to maintain good nutrition when trying to 

conceive. However, there are no magic supplements. And, you 

should never take anything whether prescribed or over the counter 

or from a health food store without consulting with your physician. 

Various so-called natural substances and even vitamins in high 

doses can cause birth defects. What is safe or harmful in animals 

may not be so in humans. There have been a number of studies 

looking at acupuncture and conception. Overall the studies are 

pretty evenly mixed among those that show a benefit and those 

that do not. 

The most important factors that influence embryo quality 

related to underlying sperm and egg factors and to ovulation 

induction and laboratory factors. If your embryo quality is not good, 

the best person to speak with is your doctor to see if changes can 

be made in your protocol to improve the quality. 

Dr. Lobel 

Q 

I’m looking for opinions of what our next step should be. 

History: We are in our thirties. TTC for over 4 yrs. We have done 

IVF + ICSI due to MF. 

First fresh transfer resulted in pg which spontaneously aborted 

at 5.4 weeks. 

Third frozen transfer resulted in a twin pg- 2 heartbeats at 6 

weeks. At 7 week u/s no heartbeat and both fetuses measured 6.3 

wks. 

Did the thrombophilia panel and came out positive for Antiphospholipid 

Syndrome. The hematologist recommended 60 mg 

of Clexane (low molecular weight Heparin) from the start of hormone 

treatment and an additional 100 mg baby aspirin from a 

heartbeat on u/s. 

The second fresh transfer resulted in a pg with numbers doubling. 

During the fifth week the numbers stopped doubling but still 

rose and then dropped the beginning of the sixth week. At what 

should have been 6.4 the fetus measured 5.6 and had a weak heartbeat. 

Started BA. At a repeat u/s 3 days later the fetus measured 5.6 

with no heartbeat. 

The hematologist doesn’t recommend any changes for the next 

cycle. The RE suggested losing weight before cycling again as he 

thinks that obesity is exacerbating the APLA. 

Q: 

1- Is losing weight really the only thing that needs to be changed 

Will 20 lbs (still obese) make a difference 

2- Should there be any further testing done 

3- Should there be any changes in the medication 

Thank you. 

AQuestions: 1- Is losing weight really the only thing that needs 

to be changed Will 20 lbs (still obese) make a difference Losing 

weight is always good, but I would not delay your treatment for 

more than a few months (2-3) which may be too little time to see a 

major change in body weight. I believe time is more the enemy of 

fertility than weight. 

2- Should there be any further testing done Yes, I would make 

sure the uterine cavity is OK. You can have retained tissue or adhesions 

if they did a D+C. 

3- Should there be any changes in the medication No. Remember 

that any treatment for miscarriage can only work 80% of the 

time, as 20% of pregnancies normally are lost. 

G-d bless and good luck.Dr. Peter McGovern 

Q 

I’ve been taking Provera monthly for a couple of months now 

and am just wondering a couple of things. 

1) My doctor said that Provera does not prevent or inhibit getting 

pregnant in any way. Is this true 

2) If I do unknowingly get pregnant and take Provera, will I still 

see blood after stopping the Provera And if yes, is that a cause for 

worry 

AYes, Provera is not oral contraception and will not inhibit 

ovulation or pregnancy. Typically if you are pregnant and take 

it, you will not experience a withdrawal bleed after stopping the 

Provera. If you fail to bleed after taking Provera, usually your doctor 

will recommend a pregnancy test. If you are not pregnant but do 

not bleed after Provera, there are a few possibilities and your doctor 

will have to see you to figure out which one is the issue for you. 



73

Medical 

10 

Perfect Foods 

Nutrient-rich and great tasting, these foods pack a powerful punch 

By Jackie Newgent, RD 

Hf you were stuck on a deserted island, what foods would 

you want with you At first you might think about your favorite 

snacks, but ultimately you’d need nutrient packed foods to 

keep you healthy for the long haul. 

To figure out what would make the cut, we analyzed dozens of 

foods. We awarded points for the amount of key nutrients that each 

one contains and crossed off any that have trans fats for high 

amounts of saturated fat or sodium. The result: 10 “perfect” foods 

(and five runners-up). 


ALMONDS 

The combination of protein and fiber (3 grams an ounce) in this 

tasty nut will keep you feeling full. A good source of healthy monounsaturated 

fats, almonds also contain calcium and vitamin E. 

Studies have shown that eating them may help keep your bones 

strong and perhaps even lower your cholesterol. 

74

Try This: 

Sprinkle pan-toasted, sliced or slivered almonds onto nearly any 

cooked veggie, like broccoli, kale or green beans. 

Top a scoop of lowfat, frozen yogurt with sliced almonds. 

Make an almond-butter and jelly sandwich (instead of PB&J). 

AVOCADOS 

The fat in avocados may be high, but it’s mostly the heart-healthy 

monounsaturated kind. They’re also a great source of vitamin C, 

potassium, folate and lutein, which is beneficial for eye health. Avocados 

contain a plant sterol (beta-sitosterol) that may help lower 

cholesterol levels. 

Try This: 

For a twist on traditional guacamole, combine cubed avocado 

with diced fresh figs, grapes or mango. 

Mash avocado and stir until smooth, add a squirt of lemon or 

lime juice, and use in place of mayo or other condiments. 

Dice and sprinkle onto corn chowder, chicken-and-rice soup, or 

tomato soup (add the avocado just before serving). 

BROCCOLI 

It’s packed with vitamins A, C, K and beta-carotene, as well as 

possible cancer-fighting compounds like sulforaphane. 

Try This: 

Steam some florets and stuff into your favorite burrito. 

Finely chop and add to rice pilaf (add during the last 15 minutes 

of cooking). 

Stir-fry or steam and mix into Chinese takeout to create a more 

nutritious meal. 

EGGS 

Good source of essential minerals such as calcium, iron, phosphorus, 

zinc and iodine. They are rich in vitamin B, especially vitamin 

b12, Vitamin A, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K. 

Try This: 

Serve a pan-cooked egg on top of a pizza slice, like they do in 

Italy. 

Make your own version of egg drop soup by cracking and stirring 

an egg into your favorite broth-based soup to a boil for 1 minute to 

ensure that the egg is cooked. 

For a filling lunch, have an egg in a pita stuffed with lettuce, onion 

and chunky salsa. Or try an egg on a bun with arugula, tomato and 

light mayo. 

KALE 

Though this leafy green looks a little like spinach, it’s actually 

more closely related to cabbage, and provides more nutritional 

value per calorie than nearly any other food. It’s rich in vitamin K 

(important for bone health and normal blood clotting) and betacarotene 

(which protects your sight). It also contains compounds 

that may reduce your risk of ovarian, breast and other types of cancers. 

Try This: 

Thinly slice fresh kale and mix with lighter greens, such as Bibb 

or romaine lettuce, in a salad. 

Steam and serve as a “bed” for poached eggs. 

Finely chop it and use it in place of spinach in cooked dishes, 

such as lasagna. 

QUINOA 

It’s now super-trendy (you can find it in major supermarkets 

these days, not just health food stores), but this grain has actually 

been around for thousands of years. It’s different from almost every 

other plant food on the planet because it’s a complete protein, 

which means it contains all of the essential amino acids that your 

body needs. 

What’s more, quinoa has a significant amount of iron, potassium 

and magnesium. The tiny grains look similar to sesame seeds and 

have a nutty flavor and fluffy, crunchy texture – and they cook in 

less than 15 minutes! 

Try This: 

Stir cooked, chilled quinoa into your salad. It also works well in 

bean salads and even tuna salad. 

Eat quinoa at any meal that would normally include rice (like 

Japanese or Chinese food). Drizzle a little teriyaki or soy sauce onto 

it for extra flavor. 

Steam it, mix with fresh basil or thyme, and top with your favorite 

stew. 

RASPBERRIES 

They’re loaded with potassium, vitamin C, fiber and protective 


75

Medical 

antioxidants like anthocyanins, salicylic acid, quercetin and catechins. 

They’re also especially rich in compound called ellagic acid, 

which research suggests may play an important role in cancer prevention. 

Try This: 

For a tasty vinaigrette dressing, puree fresh or frozen raspberries 

in a blender with equal parts olive oil and red wine vinegar. 

Create a sandwich spread by mixing Dijon mustard with mashed 

raspberries. 

Lightly smash them to make a simple jam for toast. 

(please check with rabbinical authority in regards to the usage 

of raspberries) 

for about 10 minutes, and then mix into extra-lean ground beef or 

turkey for a healthier, moist and tasty burger. 

Stir up to ¼ cup of into 2 cups of a thin jarred pasta sauce, then 

simmer for 15 minutes. It’ll give the sauce a hearty meat-like texture. 

Eat it for breakfast instead of oatmeal. Combine ¼ cup teff with 

1cup water, cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Sprinkle with cinnamon 

or drizzle with pure maple syrup. 

YOGURT (PLAIN FAT-FREE) 

Like other dairy foods, yogurt is a good source of protein and 

calcium. But thanks to its live active cultures (good bacteria), it may 

also help your digestive and immune systems. To be sure you’re getting 

what you need, look for the “Live & Active Cultures” seal on 

the package. 


SWEET POTATOES 

One sweet potato has all the beta-carotene you need in a day – 

a nutrient that research indicates may be cancer-protective. Your 

heart will be happy, too, thanks to the vitamin C and potassium 

content. Be sure to eat the peel – it contains fiber along with additional 

disease-fighting phytonutrients. 

Try This: 

Dice boiled, chilled sweet potato and stir into your favorite guacamole 

recipe. 

For a unique taste twist, slice boiled sweet potato and use instead 

of tomato as a topping on your turkey or veggie burger. 

Mash up baked sweet potato with a little vegetable broth and 

serve as an eye-appealing “bed” for an entrée, like salmon. 

TEFF 

You’ve probably never heard of it but it’s definitely worth trying. 

These tiny whole grains (which you can find at health food stores 

or at Bobsredmill.com) are super-nutritious: Teff has more than 

twice as much iron and about 20 times as much calcium as other 

grains, plus a significant amount of fiber. But it’s the unique molasses-like 

flavor that will really win you over. 

Try This: 

Pour ¼ cup boiling water over ½ cup dry (uncooked) teff. Let sit 

Try This: 

Mix equal parts yogurt and mayonnaise to make a naturally 

lower-fat mayo. If you prefer a more intense flavor, add in a few 

drops of hot sauce. 

Use yogurt instead of butter or cream for healthier, extra-creamy 

mashed potatoes. You can also mash it with other steamed or 

boiled veggies, like carrots. 

5 Almost Perfect Foods 

These runners-up are fabulous in their own way. 

Apples: One fresh, crisp large apple provides about 5 grams of 

dietary fiber and is packed with antioxidants like quercetin that keep 

your whole body healthy. Eat the peel to get the biggest nutritional 

bang. 

Canned tomatoes: (no salt added) Canned tomato products are 

naturally richer than fresh ones in lycopene, a potent antioxidant 

that plays a key role in heart health, cancer prevention and more. 

Oats: Oat bran and whole-oat products (like oatmeal) contain 

high levels of beta-glucan, a soluble fiber that can help stabilize 

blood sugar levels, lower LDL (“bad”) cholesterol and maybe even 

help you slim down. 

Beans: Cooked dried beans are high in protein and fiber but low 

in fat, and they may protect against breast cancer and heart disease. 

Dark chocolate: Thanks to powerful antioxidants, eating a little 

bit each day may improve circulation and reduce blood pressure. 

76

Lingo Guide for Beginners 

2ww = Two week wait after ovulation 

AF = Aunt Flo (flow) A.K.A., your period 

AI = Artificial Insemination 

AO = Anovulation 

ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology 

ASA = Anti-Sperm Antibody 

BB = Bulletin Board 

BBT = Basal Body Temperature 

BCP = Birth Control Pills 

B/W = Bloodwork 

CD = Cycle day 

CM = Cervical Mucus 

DPO = Days Post-Ovulation 

Dx = Diagnosis 

E2 = Estradiol (Estrogen) 

EPT = Early Pregnancy Test 

ET = Embryo Transfer (IVF) 

FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer 

FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone 

HPT = Home Pregnancy Test 

IF = Infertility 

IUI = Intrauterine Insemination 

IVF = In Vitro Fertilization 

LAP = Laparoscopy 

LH = Luteinizing Hormone 

LP = Luteal Phase 

LPD = Luteal Phase Defect 

MC or m/c = Miscarriage 

O or OV = Ovulation 

OPT = Ovulation Predictor Test 

OTC = Over the Counter 

PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome 

PCT = Postcoital Test 

PI = Primary Infertility 

RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist 

SA = Semen Analysis 

SI = Secondary Infertility 

TMI = Too much information! 

TTC = Trying to Conceive 

UR = Urologist 

US or u/s = Ultrasound 

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while keeping patients' best interests at heart. 

WE OFFER OUR PATIENTS: 

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• Customer service center 

• Compounding and micro-dosing 

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• Helpline staffed by fertility nurses 

• Open 7 days a week 

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The neighborhood pharmacy 

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Chizuk 

FORUM 

Linda 

May 14 2009, 07:36 AM 

I thought it would be great to post some stuff that people feel 

good about, whether in their work situations, overcoming the fear 

of a shot, reaching out to others, etc., etc., in terms of your IFs (or 

related nisayons.) What would you write yourself (or another A 

TIMER) a mitzvah note for 

Post them here.... ( : 

Anonymous Atimer 

Dear Morah Linda, 


booster vitamins a day. It's really not easy for him. They keep 

coming back up, they smell HORRIBLE, AND they sometimes 

slide down horizontal rather than vertical, making it just stuck 

somewhere in between the throat and the stomach. (B"H, I am a 

good pill taker and all my oral medication doesn't REALLY bother 

me.) 

I decided that I will feel in his tzaar. So each time when he 

takes them, I open up the bottle and inhale deeply. After feeling 

all grossed out, I tell him how horrible I feel that he has to go 

through it. (Then I run to the bathroom to throw up .) 

I decided that just because I have to go through painful 

procedures doesn't mean I need to be self-centered. 

atdz12 

FROM A FUTURE MOMMY 



I am very proud of myself today! Although I am beginning my 

5th cycle of IVF (in case you didn't know, it is not a peice of cake 

- hopefully this time it will be) my husband needs to take 6 

I am proud of myself for being proactive! 

I am proud of myself for making my work a more pleasant 

place for me! 

80


81 

I am proud of myself for being genuinely happy when people 

are expecting! 

I am proud of both me and DH for constantly working on our 

bitachon, figuring out the proper hashkafos and davening so hard! 

Thank you, Linda... I think this is a great idea! 

Unameit (SIF) 


I'm proud of myself for realizing that money only comes from 

Hashem, and when you really need it, you get it. 

jjp 

May 14 2009, 01:19 PM 

I am so proud of myself because: After finding out this week that 

I failed my first IVF cycle, I managed to do laundry, clean the house, 

and go to work instead of falling apart. Life must go on! 

born2BAmom 


Dear Morah, 

Thank you so much for starting this thread. Lots of times I feel 

the need to let others know what makes me happy whilst going 

through IF. Today I am proud of myself for being genuinely happy 

for my younger sister who recently shared her marvelous news 

with me. I feel pain, yet very happy for her at the same time. I am 

really proud of myself for being able to do it for her sake and for 

mine. 

WriteAway 


Well, I want to say that if I'd write a mitzva note, I'd give it to 

DH ! For being so understanding even when I'm sure at times he 

really didn't understand (explain hormones to a man, please!) and 

for always trying to make it feel like a "we" situation, since (of 

course) it really is. So shout it out for DH! 

my80 


Freidale 


Dear Morah Linda, 

Last Friday I was very proud of myself! 

I had to have my blood drawn, which isn't something I really 

enjoy doing too much. Instead of freaking out, hyperventilating, or 

even throwing up, I lay there calmly and let the phlebotomist take 

my blood. I even remembered to thank her! 

Well, after just having had an HSG test (B”H everything was 

fine), I couldn’t help but write in here. It was a bit painful but I 

endure it like a trooper....so said the radiologist. He mentioned to 

me that I was his third patient of the day and his best one. That 

one lady kicked him and really was giving it to him. I am proud for 

controlling my pain and not injuring the doctor who was just 

doing his job. Then I am proud of myself for having driven myself 

home in all that pain. 

Love, Me 

P.S. – BTW, overcoming this extremely intense fear of mine has 

shown me the depth of the possible courage and strength of human 

character. Hashem has implanted deep within our core, immense 

wellsprings of strength; we just need to dig deep till we reach them! 

Ali V'hatzlachi! 

I know that with each test that Hashem gives me, this IF journey 

is only making me stronger! 

crackle 


I'm proud of myself for helping my siblings with their

Chizuk 

FORUM 

helps. Wouldn't it be nice if we could sell happiness in 

injectables, and get a shot for it every time we feel we need it. 

Way To Go! 



children when they give birth even if I wish I was the one that 

gave birth. 

alizas 


I agree with WriteAway- DH definitely deserves a mitzvah 

note. His would be that I am so proud of him in the way that 

he always tries to stay positive and upbeat - even when I am at 

my lowest point and so down. He always tries to get me to pull 

out of my hormonal funks. I am so proud of how quickly he 

recovered from the shock of the "whys" to our IF, and how 

superbly he has navigated us through the roller coaster. Also, 

how he got over his intense fear of needles to be able to give 

me progesterone shots (and when he saw that he had to stick 

a thick needle the length of my pointer finger into me, all he 

did was gulp, turn green, and then get started!) 

I think the mitzvah note for us as a unit would be that I am 

so proud of how hard we are working to make the IF journey 

grow us together instead of apart. 

And my mitzvah note is that I'm so happy with how (after 

getting through the hormonal drop of failed IVF) I'm using this 

time to work on myself - spiritually (well, trying!), physically, 

even carreer-wise, and to help build my husband's parnasa. 

I hope I didn't write too much! Linda, this was SUCH a 

wonderful idea. It just gave my morning a very happy start. I 

never realized how happy-feeling it is to really think about and 

make a list of the things you are proud of. I'm going to try to 

do this the next time I'm feeling down. Thank you for starting 

this thread! 

Linda 


Don't you know that happiness is contagious You just put 

my morning off to a great start with how you're getting off to 

a great start. 

Happiness is hard to work at. It's not the solution to the 

problem, but in the long run, an optimistic attitude definitely 

I am proud of myself that after two weeks of not cleaning 

my house because I was weak and didn’t feel well, I called 

someone and asked her for a cleaning lady. But then I decided 

to go out of bed and clean the house myself lekoved Shabbos! 

And that’s what I did. I cancelled the cleaning lady and I 

gathered some strength and made the house spotless!! It felt 

really good! And last Thursday night after a very hard IUI, I 

was crying to DH that I can’t go to my job tommorow and I 

don’t know how I will get up and so on. It came Friday 

morning and I thought it’s only a half-day work and I will go! I 

got up, dressed myself, and I went!! 

G.E. 


Wow! I just saw this thread and, boy, did it make me feel 

good... Here goes mine: 

WARNING: INTENSE/SERIOUS POST COMING! 

Dear Morah, 

BSD, over the past few years I have learned several valuable 

lessons. I'm more patient (was ok with finding out whether I'd 

have to be at the center this Shabbos at 3:15 today) and don't 

sweat the small stuff as much (pulling a wisdom tooth last 

week was really no big deal after so many cycles). 

Also, our level of bitachon/reliance on Hashem definitely is 

better... Yeah, I still wear emunah on my sleeve too much. No, 

it isn't totally real yet, but it's a process... 

I have also learned how to radiate genuine happiness 

despite feeling intense internal pain. I have better integrated 

that it is ok to feel pain, but at the same time I can be really 

happy about life and that the pain is no one's business. 

I'm learning it's ok to fake optimism that things might 

improve even when the yeshuah seems so far. It is possible to 

drag myself to daven for real, though it hurts so much to focus 

on and acknowledge what I desparately want. Neither my level 

of tefilla nor my consistency of davening is what it was 10 years 

ago, and the speed may break some records, but I'm getting 

through a Shemoneh Esrei intact again... 

82

Finally, I have learned that no matter what, everything in life 

really is G.E.-good enough! Every day of life, every drop of pain 

is from a loving Father and is for the best. We can go on and 

make the best of things and say that even current nuttiness is 

good enough, no matter what the outcome will be. 

Sincerely, 

G.E. 

Dagim 


Black'n'white 

I'm writing this mitzva note for Crown. 


Crown was a very good girl yesterday. She went out for a walk 

with her DH cause she saw he wanted to, even though she was not 

in the mood and was very tired. 


83 

I love this thread... 

I'm very proud of myself for being able to inject myself. I always 

used to say, I'm never going to do it myself, but I guess when there 

is no choice (it was Shabbos) I just had to do it. 

After all, it was not that bad at all. 

Jainee 

Love 

Black'n'white 


yellow2 


Dear Morah, (Hey, usually I am the morah!) 

We are really proud of yellow2 today! She was such a big girl and 

spent Shabbos with nieces and nephews and made it be great. She 

went to visit a fellow IF friend celebrating a younger sister's simcha and 

gave her the strength to go through it. She is such a mitzva girl!!!!!!!!!!! 

1986 


Dear whoever is reading, 

Today instead of crying that I don’t have kids, I was grateful for 

what I have! 

my80 

Here's mine for the day: 


Dear Morah, 

Yesterday I did a big mitzvah. Instead of being self-centered and 

focusing on how I was feeling, I thought about DH for a change. I 

know he enjoys it so much, so I made a point to get dressed nicely 

for supper to please him. And I think I really did. 

It felt so nice to make someone else happy. 

Love, me 

Dear Morah Linda. 

I am not sure how I handled this, but I did. I am also a morah and 

I explain the birchas hashachar slowly and add on brachos every 

couple of weeks. Well, anyways, I taught the boys She'asa Li Kul 

Tzarki, that Hashem gives us whatever we need, and one boy (who 

is a sharp and deep thinker) said, “But, Morah, right you don't have 

a baby” 

And I answered him, “Well, Hashem knows exactly what we need 

and right now He did not give me a baby. But in the right time IY"H 

(hopefully) HE will.” 

By that time he was well into his own mother's baby, etc., and I 

held my own even though I felt like I was punched in the stomach. 

But it was a good Musar Haskel. HASHEM knows EXACTLY WHAT 

WE NEED - IT MAY NOT BE WHAT WE WANT – BUT HE KNOWS 

WHAT IS BEST FOR US, and we just need to keep that in mind. May 

we all be zoche to have our own zerah shel kayama!! 

momtobe 


Wow, Jainee, that comment was so innocent and you handled 

it so well. Good for you! 

My classmate who I don't exactly love talking to has been 

wanting to go out with me for awhile, but I never felt like it. Well 

last night, she called me as usual to ask if we can go out. I decided 

to go! We strolled the streets and she started opening up to me just 

a bit. She's married two years and not pregnant as far as I know. She 

told me how much this walk does for her, that she's taking stuff 

that's making her crazy... Now I understand what she was getting 

at all along. I think I handled her well, giving her sympathy and

Chizuk 

FORUM 

I'm really hoping I can go and really be happy for her without 

wondering when my time will come. 

leaving the conversation open for her to talk as much as she wants 

to. 

Linda 

Love, me. 


dazzle 


Here's another idea. A friend of mine does this after taking a 

class with Miriam Adahan. Have a personal notebook (called a 

"victory" notebook.) Every day, write down your mitzvah/victory 

notes. I’m going out to buy mine today! What say you all 


Dear Morah, 

Dazzle was especially nice yesterday. One of her best friends who 

got married more than a half-year after her, and who's in her 7th 

month, called. Dazzle spoke to friend for over an hour, talking to 

her about her friend's pregnancy, her nausea, and her ongoing 

complaint how fat she is and how nothing fits her. Dazzle 

sympathized with her how hard she was having it (nebbech), and 

she also feigned a lot of interest. 

hoodi 


Dear Morah, 

I have a very close friend who got married a month after me. We 

did all our preparations for our wedding together. We shopped 

together, got our gowns together and both danced at each other’s 

weddings and davened that we should be zoche to go through a 

pregnancy together. A few months after her wedding she told me 

she was pregnant and I was so happy for her. I hoped my time would 

come so we could discuss the joys and fears of a first pregnancy 

together. I waited and waited but nothing happened. She gave birth 

and I was again happy for her. I bought her presents, helped her out, 

and now her little girl sees me as an aunt. 

A year and a half passed, and again she told me she was pregnant. 

This time I found it a bit harder to be so happy for her, but I listened 

as she told me how hard it was to be so nauses while she had a 

young baby running around at home. 

Then last week she had a cute little boy and tomorrow is the bris. 

I don’t know why I'm finding the thought of going to the bris and 

shalom zachor so hard this time. Maybe because I see it as 

something I should have. 

Linda 


OK, confession: this thread wasn't EXACTLY my idea. Here’s 

where I got it from and how it works: Perel Abromowitz gives 

workshops to ALL kinds of groups (singles, couples with IF, parents, 

etc., etc.) For instance, she was speaking about the importance of 

not raising children with labels. She hosted a workshop where there 

were a bunch of women. She asked them to write how they were 

"labeled" on pieces of paper. She had them then "burn" the labels 

given to them as children, and "plant" new labels of themselves. She 

works a lot on Miriam Adahan's theory. 

Basically, true self-worth and inner happiness (with the help of 

Hashem!) come from feeling good about stuff you do that's hard for 

you to do. These "victories" are victories, even if you just put in the 

effort. For instance, if a younger sibling had a baby, and you TRIED 

calling to say Mazel Tov, you still get a victory for effort. That's why 

they're called "victories." She suggest you put a victory chart in your 

house (any format, any paper, stickies, checks...whatever), and for 

every "victory" you post a note for EVERY member of the household. 

Perel strongly feels if you start talking about your victories, other 

members in the household will follow suit (including DH!). Also, she 

suggests a victory notebook to write in every day. At the end of 100 

victory notes, you do something special to celebrate it (a fancy 

dinner, buying something new for the house, a new sefer, one friend 

had a seudas hodaya!) 

The victory note is helpful because it helps us work on 

skills/character trait that are hard for us to do. The trick is, every 

time you write a victory note, try to "grow" a little more. Kinda 

like "stretching" your limitations a bit more. it would be 

interesting if some A TIMErs would start this and meet monthly 

or whatever. Let me know what you guys think! 

84

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86

A Single Step 


87 

By: Tziporah Shulman 

It towers majestically 

Over land and sea 

Its peak 

Splitting the heavens 

With arrogance. 

In whispered awe 

They debate 

The possibilities. 

To attempt the climb, 

Or pronounce it 

Impossible 

The mountain beckons 

Summons 

Challenges 

Yet the would-be climbers 

Hesitate. 

Most turn away 

in pessimism, 

or – 

as they term it – 

realism. 

Some step forward 

Eager to attempt, 

To commence. 

After all, 

A journey of a thousand miles 

Begins with a single step. 

Mountains of change 

Loom majestically 

In our consciousness. 

In whispered awe, 

We debate the possibilities. 

Shall we attempt it, 

Or turn away 

In shameful apology 

The mountain beckons 

Summons 

Challenges. 

Will we dare to proceed 

Towards its lofty peak 

After all, 

A complete transformation 

Begins with mere slivers of 

change. 

The change of seasons 

Heralds 

A season of change.


88


88


91


92


93


94


95

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http://jmderech.blogspot.com/2009/06/shloime-kaufman-avodas-tzedaka-review.html 




http://jmderech.blogspot.com/2009/06/shloime-kaufman-avodas-tzedaka-review.html

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Shloime the 

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CD is 

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Avodos 

Avodos download 

Tzedakah 

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presented 

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http://jmderech.blogspot.com/2009/06/shloime-kaufman-avodas-tzedaka-review.html

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Rosh Hashana 5770/2009 - Jewish Infertility

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