Issue 02 - University of Surrey's Student Union

Issue 2
Editor : Claire Worgan
Editor-In-Chief : Elizabeth Simos
Produced in USSU Media Hub,
University of Surrey,
Guildford
Est. 2008
FREE
CATHEDRAL SHOOTING:
ARE WE STILL SAFE AND SOUND
By Amy Short
I
t
was a great shock to all of us when we
heard that on Sunday 30th November a
man wasshot dead by police on the steps
of Guildford Cathedral. David Sycamore, 39,
who wassuffering from manic depression,
was killed
at around 3pm by officers responding to reports
of an armed man in the area. A postmortem
examination carried out on Monday
concluded that Mr Sycamore died as a result
of being shot in the chest. He also suffered
a second gunshot wound to his rightarm. A
weapon recovered from the scene wassent
off for ballistic testing which came backindicating
that it was a blank-fi ring 8mm self
loading pistol.
A statement issued through the Independent
Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said: “In
his short life, David has suffered with manic
depression, which we believe he coped with,
with extreme diffi culties at times.
“David found solace in the grounds of the
cathedral and said it brought him inner peace
and closer to God. Unfortunately that day he
did not fi nd inner peace. His intentions were
never to harm anybody. He would never do
this. But sadly the only loss was David and
he will be sorely missed.”
Students have expressed worries
about their safety.
Tom Wright said “I saw the helicopters
circling the Cathedral at around 2.30pm
but didn’t think much of it. When I found
out what had happened I was shocked. You
think of a Cathedral as a place of peace
and harmony, so for this to happen on the
steps is beyond belief.”
Eleni Vorgia, who lives in Battersea Court,
said,
“One of the main reasons I chose
the University of Surrey was the fact
that the crime rate was so low. For
this to happen right outside my
residential block really hits home
that nowhere is safe”.
Natasha Lewis, a student who parks her car
in the Cathedral car park, also expresses
her worries, “I am sometimes in that car
park late at night. To have thought there
could have been an armed man there is very
worrying.”
However, Andy Vale, who was in the
area said, “I was up there about half an hour
before it happened. No hint of anything going
wrong. It didn’t seem like something like this
was minutes away from happening. I walk up
past there everyday and it is odd to think that
something like this happened.
However it’s clearly an isolated incident so it
won’t affect me going about my business.”
Elizabeth Simos President of the Students’
Union stated that ‘The wellbeing of our students
is of paramount importance to us as
a Union. In light of the tragic event that has
taken place on our doorstep we will continue
to work closely with the University in order to
ensure that our students’ are, and feel, safe.’
2 Surrey exclusive
interviews with
The Hollways and
The Automatic!
Fear and Christmas
Loathing on campus
Campus Boy
Gift ideas for
empty wallets
but big hearts.
Procrastination
central , Yummy recipes
to make inside
Issue 2 |10th December 2008 | www.ussu.co.uk/thestag
Wanna
start a
society...
we tell you
how !
1

Worgan’s Words
of winter wishes
Well it’s that time of year again . Exam
stress is everywhere, the constant
sight of people running round in a
frenzy with little hair and blood shot
eyes. However, just think in 2 weeks it will
all be over and you can go home, relax,
eat hundreds of Christmas chocolates
(are they really any different to non
christmas chocolates) and watch the festive
Christmas tele. Oh and of course you
have issue 2 of The Stag to take home !
From all of us here at The Stag we wish you a very merry, warm and
tingly Christmas and hope you get all the gifts (and for most,
money!) that you have been wishing for ! See you in 2009!
Claire
-x-
Editor| Claire Worgan: ussu.thestag@surrey.ac.uk
News| Amy Short & Steven Hayton: newsdeskstag@gmail.com
Features| Kim Harris : featuresdeskstag@gmail.com
Societies| Justin Waite & Mariam Nasir : societiesdeskstag@gmail.com
Sports: sportsdeskstag@gmail.com
Music| Rachael Fitz-Patrick : musicdeskstag@gmail.com
Literature| Amy Barnes :literaturedeskstag@gmail.com
Film| Ollie Sim: filmdeskstag@gmail.com
Science| Toby Shannon : sciencedeskstag@gmail.com
Marketing| Amy Campbell :marketingdeskstag@gmail.com
Copy Editors | Joe Kenward & Stephanie Davies
The Stag is an editorially indepedent newspaper and is
published by the University of Surrey
Student’s Union Media Hub.
The views expressed in the paper are those of individual
authors and do not necessarily represent the views of
the editor or her team, the Student’s Union or the University
of Surrey.
Printed by Surrey and Berkshire Media Limited
Stoke Mill House, Woking Road, Guildford, Surrey GU1
1QA
In this issue.....
News
Pages 3,4&5
Features
Atheist Christmas | Page 7
Campus Boy & Starbucks | Page 8
GU2 News | Page 9
Not News | Page 10
A Coffee With...| Page 11
Yummy Recipes | Page 12
Gift Ideas for the credit crunch | Page 13
Poker & Manor Park Mentors | Page 14
Societies
The Great Mathscepade| Page 15
Guild Standing & Asian Soc | Page 16
The Year of the Guild| Pages 17
How to start a society | Page 17
PSA| Page 18
Politics Society | Page 19
Horoscopes
Page 20
Arts
Music Reviews | Pages 22
Exclusive : The Automatic | Page 23
Album of the year & Set Reviews| Page 24
Exclusive : The Holloways | Page 25
Literature | Page 26
Best and Worst of film 2008 | Page 27
Film and Theatre reviews | Page 28
Sports
Gliding & Taekwondo | Page 29
Open water swimming | Page 30
Trampolining | Page 30
Find out more information at:
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phpgid=36469776493
Save our stags,
recycle your paper!
2
The Stag reserves the right to edit submissions. Please
direct all enquiries to the relevant section editors.

Manor Park Roasting on an
Open Fire
By Amy Short
kitchen fire in Manor Park on
A Wednesday 6th December
resulted in a midnight evacuation
of sixty students. Two fire engines,
an ambulance, three university
security officers and several
wardens were on the scene. An
attempt to use extinguishers
to put out the flames failed
because the fire involved oil. The
cost of repairing the damage is
estimated at around £2000.
This incident caused considerable
disruption to students, who
waited outside for two hours, and
put them at high risk of injury.
Fortunately the fire detection
and associated evacuation
procedures went smoothly and
nobody was injured.
“Fires in student
kitchens are nearly
always caused by
residents leaving
cooking unattended,”
says Richard Paxton, the Director
of Accommodation. He has
advised all students to take great
care when preparing food: “Do not,
under any circumstances, leave
cooking of any sort unattended
at any time. The risks are higher
at night, when there are less [sic]
residents around or when you are
under the influence of alcohol.”
So be careful everyone!
newsdeskstag@gmail.com
The scene shortly after the fire
How the mighty fall..
By Steven Hayton
I
’m sure most of you will remember going into a Woolworths store
when you where younger, buying some pick and mix, looking at all
the toys. In fact it’s one of the few stores I can remember from my
childhood. Heartbreaking to learn then that after 99 years of trading
in the UK, Woolworths has fallen into administration. Unfortunately
Woolworths hasn’t been in a strong position for years, the ever-expanding
supermarket chains have pushed the company to the floor. As these
businesses expand at a phenomenal rate, earning masses of money they
can afford to sell their products at prices lower than Woolworths could
handle. But this is not the only reason for the downfall. An incredible
£385 million debt left the giant on it’s knees with 815 stores and around
30,000 jobs at stake. Now administrators Deloitte will, in the worst case
scenario, move in to make the most money out of Woolworths and it’s
stock before it disappears.
Surely though a huge name like Woolworths can’t just disappear
Thankfully it seems there maybe light at the end of the tunnel. The aim
of the administrators is to try and recover the dept owed to its creditors
and save what remains of Woolworths, so Woolworths will be trading at
Christmas and as you can expect the stores have been busy with the
recent media spotlight placed on the company. Unfortunately however,
sometime in the next year the number of stores will most likely be reduced
to around 200, the rest sold to other companies to help reduce the debt.
Meaning that a lot of people will be made redundant, this is why the
company must be saved. Not through government funding, that’s not an
option as the cause of Woolworth’s downfall is not unjustified, it’s not
down to the poor decisions made by some banks. It is regrettably but
undeniably the fault of the people in charge of Woolworths.
So next time you pass a Woolworths store, why not go in and buy that
CD or DVD that you’ve been meaning to get and help this giant stand up
again.
3

By Students’ Union
In the last edition of ‘The Stag’ it was stated that the price of a
pint in Chancellors has risen by 20p. The article implied that
the rise was recent and was the effect of the credit crunch.
This is a misleading statement and this is why...
Bar prices saw an increase in April 2007 and then April of this
year. The increase in April 2008 was 10p on a pint of Carlsberg,
and this was the increase resulting in the rise in duty (rounded
to the nearest 5p). So in the last eighteen months, the price of
a pint in Chancellors has only actually risen by 10p and that
rise was dictated by the budget increase.
Looking further back to 2004 the price of a pint (Carling in
those days) was £1.80, today that is £2.10 an annual inflation
rate of 4% increase; but this is not the whole story. Duty has
risen above inflation, and where the increase to students
has been 16% over 4 years, the cost to the Union from duty
increases has been 18% over the same period of time. In the
same period the minimum wage has increased by 18%, and
the University pay scales increased this year by 5%.
These figures also assume that duty and staff are the only
costs which alter; our suppliers are also entitled to pass on
inflationary costs and have done so. As the volume of beer
which Student Unions sell across the UK reduces each year, so
does the ability of the National Union of Students to negotiate
better prices. With each renegotiated beer supply deal, prices
inevitability rise.
Ticket prices have often been an area of debate and a regular
topic of discussion amongst students. The facts however
speak for themselves. The advance price of ‘The Friday Night
Out’ in 1998 was £2. Today in 2008 it is £2. In real terms
this is a decrease of £1 over the decade. As detailed in a
previous edition of Bare Facts, music licensing in 2001 cost
the Students’ Union £3874, last year this cost £14,865 a rise
of 263%. General insurance premiums rose from £24,763 in
2001 to £39,813 in 2008, a 60% increase. There has also
been over inflation increases in other costs, e.g. Energy
Despite the challenge cost increases may present to the Union
in its aim to offer the best value for students, we are committed
to ensuring that all areas of cost and prices are kept in check.
They are set to generate an appropriate surplus which is then
re-invested straight back into the Students’ Union. There are
no shareholders, so every single penny which is spent within
your Students’ Union, stays within your Students’ Union.
4
A reply from
the Union.....
Holdiay wishes from
your President
Dear Surrey Students
This message probably finds you in the
midst of revision and exams so I would like
to wish you the best of luck and I genuinely
hope you succeed in everything you are
aiming for. If you are for any reason finding
this time of the year difficult, remember that
your Union as well as Student Care are here
for you, and that you can contact us at any
time. Just remember that with the holidays
just over the horizon you can soon look
forward to leaving behind deadlines and
enjoying festive fun!
With 2008 drawing to a close, it’s time to
look back to the first part of the academic
year and review whether we have in fact
achieved anything in what has felt like an
incredibly busy semester for the Union.
When I took office in July I refused to listen
to those saying that Surrey students are
‘apathetic’, part of my thinking being that
the Union can only be as strong as the
students we represent. I am so pleased
to report that my experience as Union
President has proven that Surrey Students
do in fact care. Demonstrated simply by
looking at the immense successes of clubs
and societies in bringing students together;
course representatives actively pursuing
the rights of fellow students; groups or
individuals fundraising in the thousands for
people in need. The student movement at
Surrey is gaining strength and I would like to
thank all the students that have contributed
to the different elements that give the
movement momentum.
It is with this in mind that we have undertaken
all our work so far with students’ rights,
needs and interests at the forefront of our
agenda and with your feedback moulding
our policy. I would like to extend my thanks to
the students that have communicated with
us with ideas and suggestions throughout
this semester. You have driven our work and
without your support successes such as
keeping the library open 24 hours during
exams would
On the 4 th December, Geogina Hancock,
Community Officer, presented a motion
to Guildford Borough Council asking
them to commission them to produce an
accreditation list of student landlords. This
list would promote the landlords who provide
decent, satisfactory service and show
responsibility to the community in doing so.
The motion is now being considered by the
executive board of the Borough Council. The
motion was backed by councillors Chris Ward
and Fiona White, as well as the University of
Surrey Accommodation office.The position
of Community Officer is new to this year’s
executive team designed by the Students’
Union to extend student representation in
the local community.
not have been possible.This can be further
illustrated with some examples of what we
have done so far:
We have given power back to the student
body by making Student Parliament policy
making; We have fought for the rights
of individual students on academic and
welfare issues; We have raised the profile
of our Union on a national level with our
involvement in the National Union of
Students through my election onto National
Council and the leading role we have held
in the Higher Education funding debate;
We are leading on a national campaign
on TV licensing issues; We have extended
our work in the community to ensure that
students living off campus are represented
through the Guildford community initiative;
We set up events committee; We have set
up the Night Bus to ensure students are
safe going to and from campus; We brought
you ‘Steve the Stag’; We fought to keep
the library open 24hours; We supported
campaigns for ‘Students in the Red’ and
‘HIV awareness’;and the list goes on...There
is of course still so much to be done, we do
however still remain enthusiastic, dedicated
and passionate about seeing the Union
reach its potential.
On behalf of everyone at your Students’
Union I would like to wish you Happy Holidays!
If you will be here over the Christmas period,
the Union with others will be hosting the
International Christmas Dinner, which you
are all most welcome to.
With best wishes for an enjoyable and
relaxing break,
Elizabeth Simos
Union President
Union fights for better student
accommodation in Guildford
Presidents’ comment: ‘The underlying
issue is that students deserve to live in
decent accommodation. All too often their
rights as tenants are not upheld. Can we
be doing more as students to upkeep our
homes in Guildford If we’re honest, yes we
could. What would help though is receiving
properties in good condition and landlords
carrying out their duties. Work has to be
done on both sides - Co-operation and
mutual respect is the key.’
If you like to know more about this motion,
scheme and local community issues please
email Natalie Forrester, Vice President
Welfare on ussu.welfare@surrey.ac.uk

Student Bursaries
By Nick Entwistle - VP Education
University-led discretionary student bursaries have existed for many
years on a small scale. The Higher Education Act 2004 industrialised
the practice as part of a last minute package designed to quieten
Labour rebels dissatisfied with the Higher Education paper that had
been proposed.
Ironically, this move that made bursaries an integral part of the funding
model also made the system inherently unfair and unfit for purpose.
It has introduced a market into the funding system and has enabled
universities to direct money for recruitment purposes rather than to
help students who need it.
The purpose of bursaries and scholarships as stated by the University
of Surrey’s Access Agreement 2008/2009 is:
“To counter as far as possible the effect of higher rates of fees on
students from disadvantaged backgrounds.”
The Surrey System
The University states it is committing approximately one third of its
additional tuition fee income to bursaries, scholarships and extended
programme awards. This works out at about £630 from each full feepaying
home or EU student. The remainder of the money, around
£1,260 per student, is used to “[enhance] the ‘student experience’ in
its broadest sense.”
There are several problems with this. Firstly, money should be made
available to students who need it. The scholarships are not means
tested and are based purely on performance. If all UK schools provided
equal opportunities and quality of education this would not be an issue,
but this is not the case. Pupils at fee paying schools and young people
from more privileged backgrounds perform better at A-level and are
thus more likely to achieve the grades needed to get the scholarships.
Students with genuine promise and potential to achieve good degrees
do not necessarily have good A-level grades and these students are
the ones most likely to run into financial difficulty. The scholarships
appear to exist purely as a recruitment tool, not to widen participation.
By Surrey’s own admission only 40% of scholarships will be award to
students from lower-income households.
Secondly, even the bursaries are problematic. The household income
ranges are very low; to get the full Surrey bursary of £2,000 the
combined income of your household needs to be less than £10,000.
This system also assumes that parents/guardians are able or willing
to commit money to their children. There are many reasons, not just
financial, why this might not be the case.
The cost of going to University is higher than ever with tuition fees, rent
and living costs all leading to huge student debt. There a few students
who would turn down scholarships and bursaries, but shouldn’t they be
targeted at those among us who really need it the most
A brighter future
By Steven Hayton
After writing last issue’s view of the car parking
situation I received support from various
car park users. As a result of the amount
of people who shared my opinion I decided to
find out what the story was from the view of
the transport office. I spoke to Mr James Newby
(Business support manger for the University)
about the issues the car park users have
faced recently.
We spoke about the possibility of expanding
the car park to account for the reduced
number of spaces now that work has begun
on the School of Acting building. Mr Newby explained
that due to the Sustainability Agenda
set out by the government it was very difficult
for the university to expand the car park. Even
after the loss of some spaces, the local authorities
were refusing to lose any green land
to allow for more parking. This stems from the
government’s attempt to become more ecofriendly.
Mr Newby went onto to say “We can’t
build any more parking spaces on this campus,
even if we wanted to. And believe me we
do want to, because we know it would be the
answer to an awful lot of problems.”
The university is restricted on how many cars
can be parked on campus and how much traffic
it generates. As a result of this the University
is not even allowed to make a car park
off campus for students and staff to use. So
what is the solution to this If expansion is out
of the question, what can be done We discussed
the aspect of public transport; a lot of
money is spent on making it easier for people
to travel to the university, this has the bonus
of complying with the government’s goal to reduce
the amount of cars on the roads.
But what about those of us who want to
drive Mr Newby went on to speak about the
car park and possibilities for the near future;
“What we’re hoping to do in the next 1-2 years
is introduce a system of daily car park charging,
instead of an annual permit”. Mr Newby
stated that this system was still in the development
stages and may not be introduced, however
if it was then it would bring an end to the
permit, scratch cards and the pay and display
car park. Instead all users would apply for a
free annual permit and then pay for parking
as they require it. How this will be achieved
is still unclear, the idea is that users will pay
an up front fee to be used as a sort of credit.
When it comes to the end of the year the credit
that you haven’t spent would be refunded.
This was said to be a much fairer means of
charging people to park as most people will
not spend all week at the University.
Of course this new idea doesn’t address capacity,
there will still be a limited amount of
spaces and thus restrictions will continue to
apply. However on the plus side, with the completion
of the new building there will be around
40-50 more spaces available in the car park
by the sports centre. The situation with the car
park will get better; it’s just a matter of time
and getting the right balance between allowing
as many people to park as possible with
the limited space available.
It looks like a brighter future then for car park
users, granted there won’t be much improvement
in terms of the size of the car park but
at least it will be managed in a fairer way. So
at least if we have to park somewhere else we
won’t have that bitter feeling of having paid for
a space that doesn’t exist.
What is your view on this Please feel free to
contact me about this with your views and
questions. Additionally, if you have any ideas
for the car park you can email transportenq
uiries@surrey.ac.uk. The transport office welcomes
all feasible ideas, bearing in mind supply
and demand and the fact that they cannot
expand the car park.
5

Cream or Custard with your Big Bang
By Andy Vale
On December 25th I can almost guarantee
that the Country will stop. I don’t mean we’ll all
die or sit in solemn silence; but whatever you
normally do for a day, you won’t do. Instead
you’ll find yourself doing all sorts of stuff just
because “that’s what you do.” Like eating
Turkey. I know no-one that eats Turkey outside
Christmas, it’s dry and tasteless.
This isn’t a negative Christmas article. I grow
tit-gropingly bored of them (it’s got me in
trouble before) and I wouldn’t want to add
to the ongoing crowd of idiots who moan
about every aspect of it but still take the day
off work. Nor am I going to be one of those
sudden earth mothers who say it’s become too
commercial. If you dislike Christmas because
it is too commercial then I’ll happily take any
presents of yours that I choose. Moreover, as
you despise partaking in commercial holidays,
I’ll sleep with your girlfriend on Valentine’s
Day too! What I am going to be looking at is
the religious side (PLEASE PLEASE KEEP
READING! DON’T LEAVE! THERE MAY BE RUDE
JOKES!)
According to the 2001 census just under 3/4
of the population was actually Christian. This
leaves about 15 000 000 people who don’t
give a fig for the true meaning of Christmas
and could thus be described as holiday
freeloaders. Now we can immediately take out
about 4 000 000 who belong to other religions
and thus have their own holidays, which
everyone could join in with if they wanted to.
So in other words, they are bringing something
to the table. Even the 390 000 FUNNY people
who put their religion as Jedi have someone
releasing computer games on their behalf on
a dead-horse-floggingly regular basis.
What about atheists There are about 10-12
000 000 in the country and I have never been
invited to an atheistic party. I have celebrated
many things with no religious theme, but never
heard of anyone welcoming everyone to have
a big party in honour of Darwin. There is a
difference between something like New Year’swhich
isn’t religious- and something which is
specifically made by Atheists. I have searched
and I can’t find a ‘Festival of Chemical Chance’
anywhere! Not even a recipe for Big Bang
Cake. Yet every year millions of atheists are
happy to take a nice holiday. It’s all well and
good playing the ‘I

CAMPUS BOY
Who is Bob Mitchell,
and why does he hate
Starbucks
By Christian Gilliam
A Christmas party, a Friday night, there was no getting out
of this one. I was cajoled into going by some acquaintances.
It’s got to the stage where people actually get excited if I
attend a social event... ‘Wooooo, he’s here! Yaaay, lets drink
some more... lets vomit into the fridge!’. Despite walking
slowly across campus in order to down a beer, the WD-40
of social interaction, I arrived a little too punctually. I sat in
awkward silence in a kitchen full of unknown clowns. This
was no theme night at the Union, but the women present
hid themselves beneath a mask of make-up, while the men
demonstrated their bravado in drinking games, resulting in
playing cards being flicked through the air. This was a circus,
and I was the elephant in the room.
Someone new was at this party, a fresher that I hadn’t met
before and didn’t really feel the need to now. I was urged
to shake his hand, so he held out his hand expectantly. He
noticed that I didn’t shake it properly. I blamed it on the
Wotsits... saying that I thought he had been eating Wotsits
and I didn’t want to touch his cheesy hand. I didn’t really get
away with it because he hadn’t been eating Wotsits. I’m not
even sure if there were Wotsits available. It was awkward,
but it set the tone for the evening.
Finally, some friends arrived. I accidentally drank too much,
and ended up agreeing to go to the Union, which has only
ever happened on 3 other occasions in my life. Thankfully, it
was pretty quiet in there. To be fair, I avoid most nights out.
People have cottoned on to this, and one girl in particular
keeps telling her friends that I am a social retard, which
makes the introductions a lot easier at least. I’m honing
my method of avoidance in order to steer clear of another
custard-pie-in-face scenario. These people see me in the
front row, observing their hideous pretence, and they see
I’m vulnerable. But by the same token, I have the measure
of them, and they can’t pull me out of my seat, into the
spotlight. I’ve a beer in one hand, and the other in a bag of
Wotsit flavoured popcorn. I’ll just sit and enjoy the show.
8
Campus Boy
By the looks of things, ‘Bob’ is an
unknown student political activist, keen
on spreading his message of social
justice and ethical business. It all started
with the short-lived appearance of the
anti-Starbucks posters. Presumably the
Union, or perhaps a very pro-Starbuckian,
determined the posters diminishment.
Nonetheless it has evidently spurred on
a great arousal. Within a week of the
posters debut, there appeared a Surrey
anti-Starbucks Facebook group ‘The UniS
Hate Starbucks Front’. A curious name
to say the least, masterminded by the
curious ‘Bob Mitchell’.
Is Bob a real person Or is he (or she)
a student, passionate about their beliefs
but worried about public appearance
If the latter factor is true, which seems
to be overtly evident, it will undoubtedly
cause problems when this infant social
movement looks for a human leader. If the
idea to form a public debate on campus
about Starbucks prevails (which based on
many of our students sentiments, seems
likely) the Front will surely need Bob
Despite the identity of Bob, his message
is what intrigues myself and many other
students most. Bob and the ‘Bobites’
appear to be expressing concern over
Starbucks’ unethical business practises.
Although some of Bob’s remarks on the
Facebook page about Affluenza have
implied he holds an underlining moral
objection to marketing and consumerism,
his and his group’s real message is less
ideological.
On the Facebook group, Bob describes
this movement as being concerned
with Starbucks’ fictitious selling point.
Namely, that they advertise themselves
as partaking in fair trade, yet only 0.001%
of their sales are fair trade. Bob and
the Bobites also oppose the monopoly
Starbucks evidently has, and its effects
on local businesses. An interesting
point that Bob has raised on the group
message board is that, even by purely
capitalist standards (laid out in Adam
Smiths Wealth of Nations), Starbucks is
illegitimate and any government would
be legitimate in restricting its monopoly.
In Smiths view, its monopoly infringes on
the functions of the free market. Not just
a left-wing movement after all.
Arguments against Bob, is that Starbucks
brings considerable revenue to the
University and that Starbucks is being
unfairly targeted. Bob has addressed
this point by stating that the students in
the group do not want their tuition fees
to be subsidized via illegitimate means.
They express that students should have a
say on how their University and, indeed,
their education, is funded. Accordingly,
justifying Starbucks on the grounds that
it will provide revenue for the University
is simply ‘not good enough…this is dirty
money, funded by slave labour’, says
Bob on the Facebook group. Apparently
Starbucks is the only major corporation of
this kind on campus using predominantly
unfair trade while simultaneously
pretending to be doing the opposite.
Bob and his followers are encouraging a
movement to boycott Starbucks, with the
intention of sending a clear message;
that they want Starbucks to sell more
fair-trade and/or detail in their ‘fair-trade’
advertisements the real percentage of
the fair-trade products that they sell. If
they fail to do this, then according to Bob,
they have no place on campus.
This is not the first time Starbucks
has come under a hailstorm of hate.
Conversely it is not the first time that
anti-Starbucks supporters are subjected
to equal if not elevated amounts of hate.
Both sentiments are evident on the
Facebook group message board, and
both of them have convincing arguments.
The real question is though, what do
the students think Are there enough
students in support of this to deem the
group legitimate in launching an attack on
Starbucks Is Bob right when expressing
that Starbucks’ fictitious selling point is
countering the prevalence of any moral
objection Perhaps more students would
reject Starbucks once presented with the
evidence of their unethical practises
But of course there is always the choice
argument. After all, who is Bob to deny
you of your Frappuccino

1350am GU2 Is Run By A Team Of Crack
Addicts, Card Sharks and Insurance
By Andy Vale
Salespersons
Actually that is a lie. I could never back it up. Part of me is glad it’s
a lie; however another part of me holds no fear of such mavericks.
The real faces behind the voices are a lot less glamorous and law
breaking.
Student Radio has its high and low points. On one hand you have
more say over just about every aspect of your work than you are ever
likely to have again in your career, be it in radio or used-car sales. You
also have the opportunity to flex your creative muscles in a number of
different disciplines such as music choice, presenting skills, marketing
missions and technical bollocks. However you still have to pay for your
own pizza. I did say there were downsides.
Despite coursework, eXXXams and degrees in general, GU2 has
been busy as sin these last few weeks. On Sunday 23 rd November we
hosted the National Student Chart Show, which was broadcast to over
30 other Student Radio stations across Britain. Each week a different
Student Station is given the honour of hosting the chart run-down to
the whole of the UK. Presented by Drivetime specialists Phill Nathan
and Bex Wood, the show covered the top 20 student songs as well as
two bum-scorching local acts. We received a great deal of praise for
the slick job we did and we’ll hopefully be asked to host the Student
Chart Show sometime next year.
There is still space for us to add more shows, but in the mean time
we have plenty of bucking frilliant slices of audiogasms broadcasting
out to you all. Last week when listening to the Afternoon Tea
show, I discovered that Russell Brand has also been knobbing the
granddaughter of Che Guevara! Also, since starting here, Elliot Friel
has played many big artists on his show long before the Radio 1
specialists. Examples include Black Kids, Foals and Ladyhawke. In
fact last month he interviewed Ladyhawke and ended up asking her
out, he got turned down but they are now Facebook friends. On a
Wednesday night you can also tune into the Cyclone Dance Show to
see why the Cyclone events have become such a success in the HRB.
After that there is The Midnight Moshpit, which now starts at 11. It is
worth tuning in for just to hear the ghost stories. All of which can be
heard by listening at 1350am or WWW.GU2.CO.UK
If you can’t find a computer/radio then we are often out and about
on campus, hear us DJ live in Chancellors every other Saturday and
at any other event we are invited to. If your society is holding an event
and would like us to DJ your event then email EVENTS@GU2.CO.UK
We are also a big supporter of local artists and high quality unsigned
talent. Every week we have roughly three live sessions in the studio
and are always on the look out for more artists. I’m actually shocked
that I should have to say this, but if you are a music student then we
would love you to come on down and play whatever you have. Just
email Andy@gu2.co.uk and I’ll see what I can do. Last week I had a
Elliot Friel interviewing Reggie Youngblood from Black Kids
guy who’d flown over from Canada JUST* to do a live session for me.
I also got sent a CD by a band called Travis Matte and The Kingpins,
who are the best thing I have heard from New Orleans in a long time.
Train of thought is rapidly going off the tracks here, basically if you are
any good then contact us!
If you consider yourself a bit of a music know-it-all then you’ll love
our specialist programming. Each weeknight there is a different theme,
it goes something like this. Monday is Indie/Electro night, Tuesday is
an all-out rock affair, Wednesday is when we let Cyclone take over
for most of the night, Thursday is urban/hip-hop and on Friday night
there is really no telling what you may hear. On the weekends there
is also a huge mash-up of different shows too, so go to the website
WWW.GU2.CO.UK and have a look round.
If you think “OMG this looks more fun than sitting around in my room,
putting on some DVDs and congratulating myself” then send an email
to MANAGER@GU2.CO.UK saying what you’d like to do! Alternatively
just turn up to one of our meetings at Wates House at 6:15 on Thursday
evenings. When you get there, find the best looking guy in the room. I’ll
then point you in the direction of someone who can help you achieve
your goals. You also score mega-points for joining the Faceboob group
“GU2 Radio 1350AM”
I also interviewed a band that has a mission to get the terms Windmill,
Cowabunga and Insania into every interview they do.
*Lie, lie, lie, but the truth is more interesting. I found a guy called
David Celia on myspace. Liked the song. Contacted him. Told him to
come play Guildford when he next toured the UK. That’s what he did.
9

By Pete Natress
10
******** WARNING *******
Students on social networking
site Facebook are often guilty
of posting fictional, exaggerated
and inaccurate status updates,
according to new research by local
tosser Michael Reiner. Reiner’s
recently released report derides the
common practice as “misleading,
reckless and irresponsible” and
labels those who perform it as
“exhibitionist pathological liars”.
Reiner, who has less than twenty
Facebook friends because he’s
such a colossal loser, was infuriated
at the amount of times his friends
submitted “paradoxical falsehoods”
which appeared on his news feed.
“One of my friends continuously
wrote updates to inform the world
that he was ‘hard at work’. Of course
this is impossible. If one is indeed
‘hard at work’ one cannot also have
the spare time to announce this fact
to one’s peers. The whole concept
is highly incredulous.”
THIS IS NOT NEWS!
Facebook status updates
‘frequently inaccurate’
Updates regarding nights out and
parties did not escape Reiner’s
ire. “’Laura had a really great night
out’,” he complained. “Again this is
unlikely. If Laura had really had a
great night out she’d surely be facedown
in a gutter surrounded by a
puddle of her own stale vomit, with
rotten kebab meat entangled in her
filthy, matted hair. She wouldn’t be
on Facebook. As she seems to still
possess the dexterity required to
use a computer, we can conclude
that her night out was merely
‘satisfactory’. Another mistruth to
append to the wall of lies.”
Reiner insists that more people
should model their status
updating behaviour on his, which
he describes as “an accurate,
functional, despondent catalogue
of the day’s events”. He added that
people who pollute their walls with
whimsical comments and pithy
observations make it much more
difficult for him to stalk them. “To
be honest, it’s not as bad as joke
relationship statuses. They can
be very misleading and lead to all
sorts of trouble, including police
intervention,” he conceded.
Reiner’s attempts to contact a
Facebook community manager in
order to vocalise his complaints
have repeatedly failed due to her
being ‘really busy’, ‘out to lunch’ or
‘having a laugh with [her] mates’.
“I’ll believe that when I see it,” he
complained bitterly, whilst wallowing
in a pit of self-loathing.
Alistair Darling savaged
in badger baiting
mishap
By Pete Natress
Chancellor of the Exchequer
Alistair Darling was accidentally
killed by dogs last night after
he was mistaken for a badger
and used in an illegal badger
baiting contest. According
to the Metropolitan Police,
Darling slipped and fell into
a badger sett whilst walking
home from the Treasury, where
he had spent most of his day
ruining the economy. Badger
baiters then snared and
restrained the unsuspecting
cabinet minister, subsequently
tying him to a tree and
goading rabid dogs to bite his
bits off.A police spokesman
this morning described the
incident as “a tragic case of
mistaken identity”. Whilst it
is usually highly uncommon
for a grown adult man to be
mistaken for a squat woodlanddwelling
mammal, this was an
exceptional case, he added.
“Mr Darling has the facial
structure, hair colouration
and general demeanour which
could lead one to potentially
conclude that he is in fact
a badger. Unfortunately this
scenario appears to have
transpired and has resulted in
Mr Darling being torn into tiny
shreds like a turkey sandwich
at Christmas. Tragic.”
Outpourings of sympathy
from Westminster for the late
Darling were in short supply
this morning. One cabinet
colleague mourned the
loss of “a frightfully boring
man; the sort of person who
could put you into a coma by
describing a helicopter crash”.
Others simply wept tears of
inexpressible joy. Meanwhile,
shoppers around the country
were delighted. “Does this
“Mr Darling was surprised by
his baiting”
mean the economy’s back
on track now that badgery
bastard has been ripped apart
like a dud cracker” Asked
one. “It does Excellent! Time
to get myself a loan and start
spending again!”Badger
baiting has been illegal in the
UK for over two hundred years,
but is still popular amongst
Tories and bored people.
However, the police have
stated that they will not be
pressing charges, despite the
fact that Darling’s torso now
resembles a pig in a blender.
“Having spoken to the badger
baiters in question, we have
concluded that this was an
innocent mistake which anyone
could have made,” said a
spokesman. “Furthermore, we
have examined the Protection
of Badgers Act 1992 and
nowhere does it prohibit the
baiting of senior government
officials, so we wouldn’t have
a case anyway”.
This is not the first time an
MP has been mistaken for a
wild animal. In March 2000,
Michael Portillo was captured
in a big net after onlookers
became concerned about a
giant pelican ambling around
Hyde Park. He was later
released back into the wild.

A Coffee With......
Danny “ The Magic Bouncer” Brennan
Our very own Editor Claire Worgan sits down for coffee with the staff behind
the union . This week she’s interviewing Danny Brennan and his box of tricks
How long have you been a bouncer
Urmm, nearly ten years now, ten long arduous
years
Do you enjoy being a bouncer here at
Surrey
Yeah I like it, been here for a couple of years
now. I would like to stay here.
We all know you here at Surrey as “The
magic bouncer”, have you ever tried to
disperse a situation with your magic
Ha-ha, well working as a bouncer and magic
don’t really go hand in hand to be honest!
*Danny shows us a magic trick *
What’s the worst venue you have ever
bounced at
Urmm, I would have to say a club in Aldershot,
though personally I think Aldershot is just one
big toilet, needs an airstrike on the place. I
mean there was a pair of women’s pants down
the side of the toilet in this place for 6 weeks.
Blood splatters on the walls, nicotine on the
walls dripping into people drinks.
So what are your best and worst moments
of being a doorman
Well I think both the best and worst are not
suitable for your audience to be honest, plus
some stories are about really scummy venues.
Tell us something about you that some
people might not know
Well, I got into martial arts at about the age of
16 , then moved onto cage fighting ( form of
martial arts)when I was about 19 until about
my early twenties, around the same time I
got into door work. However, I was forced into
door work by my trainer at the time, it wasn’t
through choice. Then I got into magic.
How did that come about
Well, I met a magician when working on the
door once and it kind of went from there.
Wow Danny! , So if you weren’t a bouncer
would you be a magician
Well that’s the plan but I do tend to drift
through life .
Just some random questions now.....
What was your favourite subject at
school
Well I wasn’t very academic to be honest.....
So if you could do a degree what would
you do
I like history, so something like geology, palaeontology,
something where I get to study history
mainly. But I would only do it for nostalgia
reasons.
So anything with Ology basically
Ha-ha, pretty much.
If you could be any super hero who would
you be
Actually, I have often thought about this, I
mean Batman is an ordinary guy most of the
time, except he’s rich so maybe him, or maybe
Flash. Flash is just really fast and can do
everything quicker than everyone else. All superheroes
though are just alter egos they are
just normal guys, so possibly Super Man is the
ultimate hero if I could chose. If it was down
to a square fight Super Man can’t die and can
do anything.
What’s your most embarrassing
moment
Maybe not suitable for here either! I suppose
falling over when running for a fight. I like to
carry around potatoes in my pockets, For a
handy snack and for throwing at people. I once
had this really larey girl come up to me and I
kind of used a pick pocket technique but put
a half eaten potato in her bag. Would love to
have been there when she was rooting around
for her keys and found it!
Where do you see yourself in 10years
time
If doing doors in 10 years I will probably be
suicidal! It’s not good for having relationships
either, no nights in etc so i don’t really know !
Well I think that is it Danny, thanks ever
so much. Do you have any closing words
for our readers
Urmm at the end of the day.... it gets dark, haha,
urmm hang on a minute 3 of you, one of
me I call that pimms o’clock!
If you have an idea for an interview
why not email us at....
featuresdeskstag@gmail.com
11

Naughty or Nice
Tasty treats and naughty nibbles...
By Chetna Pandya
The semester is nearly over and I don’t know about you, but I’m
actually missing coursework over the revision. My thoughts right now
seem to be centring on that happy day when exams finish and I can
put my feet up in front of the Christmas telly (with an oversized box of
festive Quality Streets).
Well isn’t that just a little bit naughty (especially for a student
dietitian) But the year is nearly over, so there really isn’t much point
in trying to salvage yourself and be nice if you’ve been naughty all
year. Best to just enjoy it now.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not really advocating waiting for the 1 st
of January to start being healthy, in the manner of Bridget Jones.
If you’re motivated, do it now. If you’re successful then you can be
smug that you resisted Christmas temptation.
If you’re not, then have no fear because most of the population are
also in your shoes.
Are you twiddling your thumbs over revision and procrastinating
more and more as time goes on I have a potential solution if you’re
a tiny bit curious about what will happen if you throw caution to the
winds, whip on a frilly apron and experiment in the kitchen. (I realise
that brings two potential activities to mind, but I was talking about
cooking).
If so, then here are some recipes you can try out* or just save for
making after exams. I’ve included two sweet ideas and a savoury
snack, they’re simple to make and yummy to eat. (Don’t bother
asking me for the fat and calorie content because a) I don’t know
and b) who cares).I’d better stop there and get back my own revision,
accompanied of course, by a cup of tea and a star cookie or two…
See you in 2009!
*I’m holding no responsibility for making you procrastinate more
than usual, just trying to make it more Christmassy and fun rather
than boring. Enjoy!
Star Cookies
Time: 1 hour
Makes: 40 small cookies
Ingredients
- 1 egg white
- Sugar crystals or silver balls to decorate
- 200g unsalted butter at room temperature
- 150g caster sugar
- 2 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 egg
- 300g plain flour, sifted
1.Cream the butter and sugar in the bowl of an electric
mixer, or use a large bowl with a hand-held electric
beater.
2.Beat in the vanilla and egg, then add the flour. Beat
until smooth, remove from the bowl, halve and shape
into discs.
3.Wrap with clingfilm and chill for about 40 minutes
until firm. Heat oven to 180/fan 160C/gas 4.
4.Dust the work top with flour and roll out one portion
of dough to 3mm thick. Cut stars or other shapes with
cutters.
5.Line 2 baking sheets with non-stick baking paper and
lift the cookies onto it using a palette knife.
6.Chill for 10 minutes and then bake for 10-12 minutes
until just turning golden at the edges.
7.Cool on a baking rack. When cool, brush lightly with
egg white then sprinkle with silver balls or sugar crystals.
12
Black and White
Pinwheel Cookies
Time: 1 hour plus chilling
Makes: about 40 cookies
Ingredients
- 25g cocoa
- 200g unsalted butter , at room temperature
- 150g caster sugar
- 2 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 egg
- 300g plain flour, sifted
1.Cream the butter and sugar in the bowl of an electric mixer,
or use a large bowl with a hand-held electric beater.
2.Beat in the vanilla and egg, then add the flour. Beat until
smooth, remove from the bowl, halve the dough and beat the
cocoa into one of the portions using a mixer.
3.Shape both dough portions into rough oblongs. Wrap in
clingfilm and chill for 30 minutes until firm.
4.Roll out each dough to £1-coin thickness, trying to keep the
oblong shape. Put the chocolate dough on top of the white
dough and trim the edges to neaten. Roll up lengthways like a
Swiss roll
5.Wrap in clingfilm and chill for 45 minutes. Heat the oven to
180C/fan 160C/gas 4.
Slice the dough into discs as thinly as you can, put them on a
non-stick baking sheet and cook for 15 minutes. Cool on wire
rack
Quick Cheese Straws
Time: 20 minutes
Makes: Serves 8
Other: Vegetarian and can freeze before baking
Ingredients
- 350g pack ready-rolled puff pastry
- Four handfuls of grated parmesan
- Handful of flour, to roll pastry on
1.Heat oven to 220c/fan 200c/gas 7.
2.Unroll a puff pastry, scatter over a couple of
handfuls of grated parmesan, then fold in half.
3.On a lightly floured surface, roll out to the
thickness of a £1 coin. Cut into 1cm strips, then
twist the strips 3-4 times.
4.Lay on a baking sheet, scatter over more
cheese and bake for 12 mins, or until golden.
Leave to cool, then keep in an airtight container
for up to 2 days. As these cheese straws are very
delicate, roll them in kitchen paper before packing
into a plastic container.

Gift Ideas for the Credit Crunch
By Emma Rayment
Gifts for under £5.00
Flavoured oils- buy a small bottle of olive oil,
and add a variety of their favourite ingredients
to flavour. This can include chilli, rosemary,
thyme, garlic, basil or peppercorns. To
personalise the gift, why not create your own
label Perfect for parents and budding chefs.
Housework voucher- create your own IOU gift
voucher offering housework services, but be
sure to keep your promise, and be prepared
to get your hands dirty! Suggestions include
washing the car, mowing the lawn, or hoovering
for a week!
Homemade truffles- 225g plain chocolate,
175ml double cream and a bit of icing sugar
and cocoa powder is all you need to make 45-
65 truffles. Heat the cream to a gentle boil,
and add the broken chocolate pieces, blending
thoroughly until melted. Allow the mixture
to cool at room temperature until set (1-1½
hours), before using a spoon to cut out bitesize
pieces and rolling quickly in your hands to
form a ball. Roll these balls in an icing sugar
and cocoa powder mixture and place on a
cling-film covered tray to set.
By Joe Kenward, accompanied by
Emma Rayment
If there’s something we all look forward
to at Christmas, it’s being surrounded by
family and friends, and stuffing your face,
before slumping into a comfy chair and
dozing between episodes of Eastenders
and the annual blockbuster, Titanic. But
that will have to wait. We’re still on campus,
we have shared kitchens, and the
chairs are anything but soft and welcoming.
Some of us probably haven’t even created
anything beyond a Pot Noodle yet, so
there may be little hope of fashioning a
full-on Christmas dinner, with all the trimmings,
to celebrate the end of term with
your mates. But there is an alternative to
serving up turkey and brussel sprout flavoured
Pot Noodles…
Chancellors
Turkey lovers and vegetarians
alike can enjoy
a Christmas meal,
with all the trimmings,
at Channies for £4.95. We’re surely all
accustomed to the new-look interior now,
one which I feel is a vast improvement,
enhanced by the festive decorations.
No amount of tinsel can make the place
Look great in a small box filled with tissue
paper!
Homemade gingerbread men- these are a
fun and tasty gift, suitable for all the family.
Personalise your gingerbread men using icing
kits, or for children, provide an icing kit as part
of the present so they can decorate their own.
Alternatively, use a bit of fancy ribbon to make
them into tree decorations. You can find an
easy to follow recipe here: http://www.cookuk.
co.uk/children/ginger_bread_men.htm.
Home made recipe book- ideal for siblings
who are yet to master the art of cooking.
Using an A3 ringbinder and some card, write
out the ingredients and simple steps of their
favourite recipes. To add a personal touch,
why not decorate the ringbinder with photos
of the delicious things they will soon be able
to create
Restaurant Review- Christmas on Campus
warmer, however. Brr. Fortunately, the
food was a little hotter- for me, a turkey
parcel comprising a moist medallion of
turkey and a layer of stuffing wrapped in
streaky bacon. For my eating companion,
a thick, crispy slice of nut roast. For both
of us; crispy roast potatoes, parsnips, buttery
carrots and… brussel sprouts. While
there may be some that enjoy these odd
mini-cabbages (which pack the same gaseous
punch as a whole cabbage may do),
I’m sure there will be more of these returned
to the kitchen on collected plates
than will be consumed by students. It
missed peas.
Immediate impressions were good, although
the gravy had clearly split into
islands of solidified skin in a watery
mass. The potatoes and parsnips had a
crispiness which hinted that Aunt Bessie
had a role in preparation, although this,
perhaps, is no cause for complaint in a
good value meal. My companion found
the nut roast tasting overwhelmingly of
dried onion, something which also hindered
the stuffing in my turkey parcel.
Despite this, for the money, you’ll have a
decent Christmas lunch here, something
which you probably couldn’t make much
cheaper, and certainly no better, than the
folks at Chancellors do. This is a place to
come with friends, to sit, chat, and drink
an afternoon away in a warm, festive
and friendly atmosphere- isn’t that what
Christmas is about after all
Seasons
If you favour food
over atmosphere,
my companion
and I agreed that
this is the place to go. Seasons offer their
Christmas lunches for £4.75, but here
you are more likely to eat up and get out.
I opted for the turkey option again, this
time served in thick slices which had dried
out a little. Accompanying this was a serving
of stuffing, a piggy-in-a-blanket (one
of the highlights of a Christmas meal, in
my opinion), carrots and peas… no brussel
sprouts in sight. And it was a whole
lot better for it. The vegetarian option was
again nut roast, but my companion was
far happier with this serving, ‘It’s less
oniony this time… at least this won’t be
repeating on me all day’ was the general
gist of what she was saying. It was far nuttier
than the version served in Chancellors,
although the difference in taste may
have been due to cooking method, as this
portion was a little softer, as if it had seen
the microwave.
Gifts for under £10.00
Afternoon tea for two- perfect for a gloomy
January day, and a break from sales shopping,
treat that special person to a warming
afternoon tea, complete with scones and
sandwiches. Marks and Spencer’s Cafe offers
a very reasonable tea for two. Create a giftcard
with tempting images which can be given on
Christmas day.
Personalised photo gifts- Tesco offer a good
range of personalised photo gifts, including
mousemats, mugs and underwear (because
a photo of family isn’t at all out of place on
a thong!). Visit their site here for more ideas:
http://www.tescophoto.com/wpp/tesco/
buygifts_tour.jsp.
Hampers- who needs Fortnum and Mason
when you can create your own Fill a wrapped
shoebox full of tissue paper and a variety of
little treats. These could include the flavoured
oils, homemade truffles and gingerbread men
(see recipes above), and a selection of their
favourite foods. Preserves, chutneys, biscuits
and sweets will be welcome on Boxing Day,
and well into the New Year. Alternatively, make
a ‘Pamper Hamper’ filled with toiletries, face
masks, bubble bath and cheap fizz.
Although there was a piggy-in-a-blanket
to please meat-eaters, the potatoes were
a let down. As so often happens in canteens,
they had lost their crispness and
had become large, soggy affairs. There
was also a distinct lack of parsnip. The
gravy, however, was much improved from
that at Chancellors, and you can help
yourself which means you don’t get to
that last potato wishing there was something
to make it taste a whole lot nicer.
We both felt, however, that this was the
better lunch of the two. It felt as if it had
been prepared, rather than simply put together,
by the kitchen. They offer homemade
mince pies here too (£1.50 for
two). The atmosphere, though, lacked a
warmth that you might desire while eating
a Christmas meal. If you feel in need
of a warming, filling, festive meal one
lunchtime, this should be your first port
of call. If you happen to be with friends,
and favour a more relaxed approach to
dining, then Chancellors will fill you with
seasonal cheer.
Merry Christmas.
13

Poker After Dark
By Vikram Nanda
Every Sunday night the musty walls of Chancellors are filled with
manipulating students eagerly and awaiting for the blasting sound from
the surrounding speakers to echo across the room as it always does at
9PM; ‘Shuffle Up And Deal.’
To most Poker is a gambling game, a game of chance where the luckiest
players win. If you lost, it was just not your night. These students are
known as Fish, gamblers who do not know the value of Big Slick (That’s
Ace-King, a strong drawing hand that is better than any other hand
except a pocket pair.) and just play ‘the pretty cards.’
Thanks to popular televised shows such as ‘Late Night Poker’ and
‘World Series Of Poker’ a poker boom has been spreading within the
community, especially within the University Of Surrey. In the past players
such as Doyle Brunson would travel across America in secret, hustling
players left, right and centre, it wasn’t the most glamorous of careers.
However thanks to televised tournaments and cash games anchored
with the invention of the hole camera, which allows viewers to see their
players favourite hole cards, the game has become more of a sport.
While there are many forms of Poker the most popular one current
game is called No-Limit Texas Hold-Em. Each player receives two cards
face down, these are hole cards that only the player can see, a round
of betting takes place, next five community cards are dealt out from the
deck onto the middle of the table, these are cards all remaining players
can use to make their best five card hand. The five cards are placed
in the middle via three sequences with betting turns in between each
one. The weekly tournament ends up drawing 5£ from every player and
usually pays a decent amount to first place with less and less up to the
final 8% field; the majority finish past the bubble and therefore leave
with a lighter wallet.
Among the laughter, the banter, the rising chip stacks and the falling
players there lies the few knowledgeable students of the game. The few
who understand that as the blinds increase every 10 minutes (forced
bets) their starting hand selection increases, the ones who smile at the
joke the raiser makes however understands that he is only asking Mr.
Fishy McFishsticks how his day has been so she can fully understand by
analysing reactions if it is worth chasing her flush getting 3:1 pot odds
from the slightly worried possibly weak probably amateur raiser. These
are known as the sharks, they constantly make the money every week
and eventually all the money falls into their hands. With mathematically
understandings of standard deviation and variance they are able to rise
to the cream of the crop.
‘I’m All In.’ After 3 hours and 24 minutes only two players remain, and
eventually they ship all their chips into the middle announcing the
famous last three words of any second place finisher. The last remaining
victors shake hands and exchange words; ‘Until Next week.’
The cards fell as the would any night, and some lucky amateurs made
some cash, most dropped the price of a cheap takeaway lunch meal,
and few played their hearts out and got what they deserved.
By Yash Agrawal
Its been a busy term at Manor Park
where the Mentors started the term with
a Welcome BBQ, Pub-Crawl and Pyjama
Party. October was the month of Games
and Sports where residents participated
in Ten-Pin Bowling and Table Tennis
Tournaments. November was the month
of proactive residents with “Manor Park
Got Talent” and ending the term with
Exam Relief filled with movie and Play
station evenings.
Manor Park Mentors wishes a Merry
Christmas and Happy New Year.
See you all in January 2009, and keep
an eye in your email for the January socials
and parties to follow!
14
Court Life Mentoring at
Manor Park
The winners and the co-coordinators
of the “Manor Park Got Talent” event -
from left to right - Leon (winner), Busayo
and Mehrdad (Organisers for the talent
show), Joie (2nd Runner-up) and Nate
(1st Runner Up)
Fancy writing a feature for
The Stag
Then why not email us at
featuresdesk@gmail.com

The Great Mathscapade
By Justin Waite
Co - Societies Editor
For many societies, living on the bread-line is
a common enough experience. Short of funds
and devoid of the large number of members
that characterise some societies, it can be
hard to hold a diverse range of events that
extend beyond the odd pub crawl, socials in
Chancellors or scheduled trips to items of interest.
For some societies, the only way they
can generate enough income to do something
different is to hold an event in Rubix or HRB,
selling tickets and opening the bars up to attract
any potential punters to donate to the
coffers and help fund something a little more
exciting.
However, this carries its own risks. Should a
society fail to make the required total at each
bar, they will be charged the remaining amount
from the society funds up to a capped limit of
£300 for HRB and £650 for Rubix, meaning
that for some societies it can be a life-or-death
event, with success hanging on the reliance of
a binge-drinking campus.
Don’t believe me To open a bar in Rubix costs
£1550 and in HRB costs £660. If we factor
in the cost of the student drinking staple, the
honourable Snakebite, at £2.15, this means
that a staggering 721 snakebites need to be
consumed, in the 4 hour gap of 10pm—2am
that Rubix is normally opened for societies
wishing to hold an event on a weekday, or for
HRB nearly 307 snakebites.
Obviously this sort of ‘guesstimate’ has its
limitations, not everyone, including myself,
likes snakebite, and there are all sorts of other
drink costs that we could use. But this is
merely to bring a bit of perspective to the table.
Now if we include the figures of capacity,
whereby HRB can hold 220 people and Rubix
1550, this can seem a more daunting prospect.
Whilst some societies may find it easy
to fill out HRB, it can be a lot harder to attract
over 1500 people to an event hosted by a society
with a membership, on paper, of less than
100, which includes nearly every society.
But this isn’t the point that I wish to make. Now
the context has been set, and at the same
time information has been given for any societies
thinking about hosting an event in the
future, it is time to move onto the main issue.
After all, the Student’s Union is merely a company
holding our best interests at heart, and
they shouldn’t have to foot the bill should a
society’s event fail spectacularly (imagine one
guy with 6 pints on an empty dance floor).
Yet are these claims completely water-tight
Although we are repeatedly told that the Student’s
Union is “not for profit”, this would
appear not to be completely true. Whilst the
Union, quite acceptably, won’t provide for a
society’s short-comings, it won’t support them
when they succeed.
Going back to those earlier bar figures of
£1550 for Rubix and £660 for HRB, some societies
do actually manage to repeatedly earn
more at the bar than this! Indeed, one nameless
society even claims to have drunk the bar
dry in HRB. But whilst the Union is more than
willing to take away money from a lower than
expected intake, it refuses to provide you with
the proceeds if you go OVER the figures.
This means that quite often, a society will only
receive a total of anywhere from £880 if they
fill HRB, or £6000 for Rubix, if they charge £4
a ticket and fill the venue. This very often isn’t
the case, as not even the busiest Flirt night
manages to pack out the Union every time,
but surely societies should get at least a percentage
of the income from the bar
As far the Student’s Union is concerned,
you’ve already paid for the wages for bar staff,
bouncers (if required), lighting, technical expertise
(optional) and all the other gubbins
required for a good night out. So where is this
extra money from the bar going Its certainly
not going back into the hands of the societies,
the group which needs it the most and can
provide the Union a service by filling a venue
on an quiet weekday. So again I feel the need
to ask: where is this extra money going
Is it being used to help cover the costs of holding
constant Score/Citrus and Flirt nights
every week Whilst they may be packed out in
the first few fresher months, quite often it can
appear like you’re the only guy on the dance
floor…holding 6 pints. Is the money being used
to help fund the Chancellor’s refurbishment,
which replaced a bar full of atmosphere with
a bar that looks as if an Ikea truck reversed
into it and exploded Just where is this money
going and why can’t societies have access to
money that should be considered rightfully
theirs, or at least even a percentage of it
Hopefully we’ll have some answers soon for
you.
15

Guild Standing Report
By Justin Waite
Every first Monday of the month during term-time every society is given
the opportunity to come together and discuss issues concerning the
Guild of Societies. This can be anything from funding requests, which
have now become a staple of each Guild Standing, to updates on the
latest Guild membership numbers, finances and the offers that society
members can take advantage of.
Following the previous Guild Executive meeting, societies were informed
that SocSoc and MechSoc had been granted £50 for their Christmas
themed event in HRB, allowing them to purchase prizes, decorations
and mince pies, the traditional Christmas staple.
Further funding requests made at the Guild Standing were also made:
- The Arabic Society requested £300, to cover the fee they had paid for
bellydancers at their recent HRB event. This request was debated, but
was withdrawn after the president of the society decided to re-examine
the cost of their events.
- Finally a request of over £100 for the Christian Union to help continue
their charitable efforts of providing free tea and coffee at Rubix events,
and other events they hold around campus. This too was accepted.
Jack Symons, V.P. of Societies, also unveiled the latest Guild offer: Societies
can now book an event at the Holiday Inn (near Tescos) without
having to pay for hire of the room, and can also have access to reduced
prices on their dinner menu and wine. The Politics Society has already
taken advantage of this offer and is planning to hold their first annual
Politics Ball at the Holiday Inn on May 26, after all the students have
finished their exams and can finally relax.
Finally GU2 Radio made an announcement that they would be more
than willing to provide DJs for any society functions and events.
The next Guild Standing will be on February 1 2009!
- The newly formed Entrepreneur Society asked for £200 to create and
promote their new ‘Heroes of Business’ lunches/dinners, where they
will bring successful businessmen and entrepreneurs to come and talk
to members of Surrey University. This was accepted.
Asian Antics
By Rajan Thandi
(President of Asian Society)
The Asian Society is one of Surrey’s most
established societies. A large and friendly
society, we make it our mission to ensure
that people have a great time during their
stay at Surrey by creating the perfect place
for meeting new people. Don’t be put off by
the name, the society isn’t exclusively for
Asians by any means; we actively encourage
non-Asians to attend our events and
join in. We don’t care who you are, just as
long as you’re up for a great time!
Not interested in labelling people, the
Asian Society has been very active so far
this semester, holding a number of Asian
Nights both in HRB and Rubix, coach trips
to London clubs, (semi)-regular film nights
and weekly football sessions. If you haven’t
been to one of our nights yet, then stop
stalling and come on down! They’re always
good for a laugh and never dull.
16
We have big plans for the coming semester,
including a joint event with the Arabic Society,
more film screenings, more coach trips
and generally aiming for bigger and better
nights.
Check us out on Facebook on
‘UniS Asian Society.’
We give regular updates and it
contains most of what you need to
know. If anyone has any questions,
we’re happy to answer them through
our Facebook page, or at
ussu.asian@surrey.ac.uk.
We hope to see you at our next event
on Thursday 29th January!
New articles for next
issue in 2009!
Section Editors
If you have any articles
for our societies section
then please email
societiesdeskstag@gmail.com

The year of the Guild
By Mariam Nasir
This year is not only a year for the University
to progress, but it is also a year where new
ideas are conceived and introduced. The Guild
of Societies is a new concept which was developed
last year and introduced this year. In my
interview with Jack Symons, VP of Societies
and Individual Development, he told me how
it came about...
How was the Guild initiated
Jack: It was developed last year, went through
a few society standings, gauging student reactions
- (focus groups) - to get feedback. It was
voted in by students, it was what they wanted
and developed because instead of the Guild
being a solution to a problem, it was created
for the sake of creating it.
What are the aims and purposes of
the Guild of Societies
Jack: Aims of the Guild are primarily to act as
an umbrella for societies; it unites them and it
provides a basis for sponsorship. It also helps
getting merchandising cheaper for individual
societies. The main purpose of the Guild is
to ensure democracy- instead of the Union
having control over what societies do, it is students
deciding and controlling what their societies
do. It also helps with funding, it is the student
money (£5 for signing up with the Guild),
which allows freedom of where it is spent.
Being Vice President of Societies
and Individual Development, what
is your job
Jack: My primary jobs are looking after the
Guild and overseeing that and to make sure it
is received well and developed properly. Ensuring
that democracy is in full swing at the
Students Union- making sure that no decision
is made without consulting every single
society committee member or student. Overseeing
the DAVE project and seeing how that
goes, with the VP of Education. Encouraging
students to pursue personal or professional
qualification and sort of identify ways they can
improve their student experience.
The Guild of Societies is a small organisation
which was made for the students, by the students,
and it is also run by the students. The
Guild consists of 8 Guild Executives who are
elected at a Society Standing by Guild members.
The main agenda on the Guild’s ‘to do’
list this year is to actually start this
organisation and make it a process which will
be carried on in Surrey’s tradition. Their job
is not easy since they have to keep the ball
rolling for the Guild, otherwise the whole idea
would collapse. I was fortunate enough to get
in on a meeting of the Guild Execs. From what
I saw, we are in good capable hands for this
year; the team is very united and focused.
Apart from this, the target to reach 1000
Guild Exec Team
members by the end of this year is already
more than half way through since 700 new
members have signed up since the beginning
of this year. Being a member of the Guild not
only helps in funding your society but it also
gives access to many different discount offers
every month.
Students who work in the Guild are paid, however
their job incorporates a 36 hour core week
and a lot of hard work. To be part of the Guild
is an achievement in itself since it offers great
experience as well as lots of socialising opportunities.
To run for a position in the Guild, students
have to hand in a nomination seconded
by 3-4 people. Then they have to campaign
and create a manifesto which ends in a voting
by the students. It is a completely democratic
election and anyone can run for it!
How to start up a society...
By Mariam Nasir Co - Societies Editor
-Go to www.ussu.co.uk/societies
-Click on ‘How to Set Up a New Society’
-Get the form and fill it out. You need to have at least 20
students who might be interested in joining the society
-Send this to Jack at ussu.societies@surrey.ac.uk.
-It will then be put on the agenda for the next society standing;
other committee members hear a small pitch about
your society and vote.
-After this, your society is ratified- a small AGM is held to
elect the 3 committee members (President, Treasurer and
Secretary)
-You have your own society!!
As from this year, the Guild has ensured the ‘dormant not dead’ rule.
This means that any society which has been dormant for more than 3
years will remain dormant and not be classed ‘dead’ as they were in
the past. There is a list on www.ussu.co.uk/societies with all the dormant
societies, so if anyone is interested in the ‘Folk music & dance
society’, ‘Bellringing society’ or any other society from the list, you can
easily revive it again by a simple AGM with 10 people and someone
from the Guild.
It is worth it to be part of a society or any other club because it enhances
student experience. You meet people who have similar interests
as you and it’s a great opportunity to socialise. To join the Guild,
just log on to www.ussu.co.uk./membership.
17

18
Pakistan Students’ Association (PSA):
Looking Left and the Right at the same time
By Safwan Khalid , MSc Electronic Eng
If you belong to Pakistan or you are something
similar to a Pakistani or if you just like Pakistan
(I would certainly like to meet you if you belong
to this category) … GREAT NEWS for all of you ….
“Pakistan Student Association” is active again and
when I say active I really mean it because PSA has
never been so vibrant, enthusiastic and filled with
action as it is this time around. Now I know we are
all frustrated as the exams are near and work load
is too much and we really wish to criticize something
or somebody perhaps anybody. Guess what
… we have got so much in store for you this time
that you can criticize us to your heart’s content. A
lot has already taken place and there is so much
still coming … so join us in our activities
… Have fun … Enjoy …. Criticize
PSA, It’s all yours.
There is something very special going
on at the PSA this time … You
all are aware of how Pakistan has
got all these Leftists and the Rightist
intellectuals always fighting and
taking pleasure in criticizing each
other and I know you really enjoy
it... Don’t you So the PSA experience
would be much closer to
Pakistan now as we have got this
strange, unfortunate and really
enjoyable Left - Right combination
in our PSA team members as well.
For instance we give you a very
energetic, outgoing, outspoken,
party loving goddamn leftist for a
President and for General Secretary we have a
traditional, decent, pious and to the nth degree
Rightist. So what is the result of this disparate
and disjoint combination ITS OUTSTANDING …
PSA has gotten all charged up and dynamic and
already it has arranged two successful events and
there is a long list of stuff which is being planned
for this year ... So you see no matter what group
you belong to, PSA has got something interesting
and you better not miss it.
So who are these members of PSA, lets have a
list
(For further details please visit www.ussu.co.uk/
psa)
And what have they been doing
INDIA VS PAKISTAN (Clash of cricketing civilizations)
With Pakistan beating West Indies and India beating
New Zealand the morale of both Nations was
high and so were the expectations from this event.
PSA organized in co-ordination with Indian student
association a set of three cricket matches among
students of Pakistan and India. To be honest if
you have missed both the above mentioned series
it may not be that big a deal but if you missed
this event you really missed something. It was a
very interesting evening (and morning) and all
the matches were really exciting. We lost the first
match out of sheer luck and won the next match
out of sheer talent (he he). In the third match the
players from different teams got reshuffled and
two really threatening teams with good batsmen
from India and bowlers from Pakistan were made
and the third match was most interesting of the
lot. So it was the first successful event of PSA and
the success has tempted us to plan more and
more cricket matches so don’t miss out the next
ones maybe we will have a match with UK student
association next time.
Earthquake Relief Fund Raising
We are a diverse nation and we may have leftist
and rightist in our team but when it comes to our
country we have a habit of forgetting differences
and working as one to achieve something important
to us. The sad calamity which struck the south
west areas of Pakistan (Baluchistan) left a painful
feeling in our hearts and being so far away from
our country we felt a bit helpless to support our
brothers back there. However to do nothing was
not acceptable for the patriotic and spirited members
of PSA and they decided to arrange a fund
raising activity in our university. The female members
were more active than male members in this
activity and they spent a whole day in the chilling
cold with a hand painting stall and a bucket for donation.
I must say that everyone did their best in
carrying out their jobs and we were able to collect
a donation of £1989.25 and sent it to ‘Edhi Foundation
UK’ on the 28th November, 2008. PSA is
grateful to all the students and staff community
who helped in raising the donation money and we
are amazed at the generosity which all the students
and people around us showed.
These were the events which PSA has organized
up till now. Both the events were a success thanks
to the vibrant and energetic members of PSA and
everybody who helped and joined us in our activities
but it is just the beginning and so much more
is still about to come. Let’s have a look at the tentative
future plans
After the exams, PSA plans to organize an evening
dinner to celebrate Eid al-Adha. (I told you we will
have rightist activities)
2. International Gala Preparation: PSA plans to
organize an evening full of entertainment showcasing
stage performances in the form of stage
drama, traditional fashion show. (And here come
the leftists as promised).
3. Sports Tournaments (summers):
PSA plans to hold indoor and outdoor
tournaments with different
societies mainly of cricket, badminton,
and table tennis
4. Independence Day celebration:
PSA plans to invite a guest speaker
to cherish the day of independence
of Pakistan
5. Editorial Plan: Regularly writing
something for the STAG on various
subjects within student’s life;
sports; entertainment.
6. Online Promotion: Using online
channel to promote and increase its
membership list. Plan is to record
video interviews among the society
members and posting them on
Facebook; YouTube and of course
PSA main website (i.e. www.ussu.co.uk/psa)
There are many other events which are not still
in the pipe line for example Showing Tele movies,
Day trips, presence in the GU2 radio show, video
interviews from various students and teachers in
the University etcetera.
Well folks that’s PSA for this year, it is active and
it is interesting for everybody and we are expecting
a great involvement from all the Pakistanis
and everybody who likes or is like Pakistanis. We
welcome you and expect you in all the events and
sessions. Keep a look on your mailbox you will be
receiving a lot from us this time around and if you
have not registered yet please get registered (by
sending an email at psa@surrey.ac.uk with your
name and email address). Hope to see you in our
next meeting, Please join us if you want to criticize
or if you want to have a look on how the leftist and
the rightists criticize each other. I guarantee it will
be something very enjoyable.

‘Challenging the
status quo of Surrey
student apathy’
By Jack Brockless ( Vice- President of Politics Society)
We have all heard the age-old idiom that students at Surrey are simply not
bothered when it comes to politics and activism. But the times they are
a’ changing, with a little help from the Politics Society. Autumn Semester
2008 has been an exciting time for us. Our AGM was held at the end
of the last academic year, with the new Committee entrusted with the
roles to build upon the successes and learn from the shortcomings of
previous years- with the over arching aim to be bigger and better than
before!
This year began with a strong showing at the Freshers’ Fayre, where
a great number of new Freshers, brimming with enthusiasm, came to
interact with the Committee members running the stall, decked out in
flags, posters, books and relics from previous Politics Society activities.
With many new names and emails taken, confidence was at an all time
high. This was further supported by a wonderful evening of student
frivolity at the annual Politics Society Pub Golf Tournament where
members, new and old, successfully “putted” their way to victory on an
alcoholic golf course. I hasten to add that the Politics Society promotes
responsible drinking at all times!
Next up was a Poker Event in the HRB, co-hosted with the University
of Surrey Poker Society, where members of both pitted themselves
against one another in a battle of wits and stone-like faces. The evening
culminated in an impromptu social in the bar of Wates House, where
once again many indulged in further responsible drinking.
Our recent Politic sojourn was arguably it’s most successful of the year:
the American Election 2008! Nearly 50 students crammed themselves
into Lecture
Theatre M (lovingly kept open by Campus Security, to which we are very
grateful), armed with snacks, drinks and election paraphernalia, to watch
the live footage stream. As the evening wore on and the responsible
drinking prevailed, the victory of Obama over McCain became a certainty,
much to the chagrin of the Republican supporters in the room! Yet all
were in agreement that the night had been a marvellous mix of beer
and banter. Proving yet again that politics can draw crowds. Perhaps
Surrey’s student body isn’t quite as apathetic as previously imagined
So what next Essays and exams loom, and as ever, the Politics Society
is respondent to the concerns of its members – so for now, she sleeps.
Next Semester however, the Committee is already thinking of new ideas,
social events and more formal events (speakers etc). On the horizon,
we are hoping to host our very first Politics Society Ball at the end of the
academic year (May 26 th ), so politics students can celebrate the end of a
year of hard work with dinner, dancing and further responsible drinking!
The two subsidiary societies of the Politics Society, namely the Debating
Society and the Model United Nations Society, will also be hosting their
own array of shindigs to involve and support the most political, active
and argumentative members of Surrey’s student body. Could this be
you
If you’re interested in joining the Politics Society then you can e-mail us
at ussu.politics@surrey.ac.uk, and click the checkbox next to our name
on the Guild of Students page.
19

Horoscopes
by Madame Zsa-Zsa:
“The stars speak to me, darling.”
Aries (20th March – 20th April)
Your parents have been giving you a hard time over the choices you
have made lately. It might be time to sit them down and explain your
position to them. Single Take your chances on a date proposal this
week. Taken The distance may be hard to cope with right now but
you’ll be back together soon so hold on.
Taurus (21st April- 20th May)
Procrastination is a very dangerous thing at this time of year, what
with exams and holidays looming. Have you wondered about the
thing that’s been taking up all of your time Perhaps it’s time to let
go. Single A do at work over Christmas will make you see someone
in a whole new light. Taken Enjoy those nights cuddled up in front of
the TV- excitement can be found elsewhere.
Gemini (21st May- 20th June)
A feud between housemates will escalate this week, and people will
start to take sides. It’s important that you remain neutral, even if
you have opinions. Single There is more than one possibility at the
moment, and the answer may not be as straightforward as you think.
Taken Relationships are about give and take, and right now they’re
taking and you’re giving.
Cancer (21st June- 21st July)
Your boss will admit something shocking at the Christmas party next
week- how you handle it is very important. Your job is at stake here.
Single A New Year’s kiss may start more than you expected. Taken
That gift shows just how little they know you. Don’t feel disheartenedput
the time in to make sure they learn.
Leo (22nd Jul- 22nd Aug)
You may feel that exam didn’t go well- but you will have done much
better than you expected so don’t dwell on it too much. Single The
way that couple make you feel is an indication that you aren’t ready
for a new relationship just yet. Taken She may be getting in the way
a bit too much, a bit too often. But stand your ground, she’ll get the
hint and leave you both alone eventually.
Virgo (23rd Aug- 21st Sept)
A family bust up over Christmas can be solved by talking to those
involved- it’s all just a big misunderstanding and everyone will have
made up in time for New Years. Single Don’t focus so much on
appearances. They are often misleading. Taken You’ve given into
temptation, so now you need to decide what that means and what to
do next
Libra (20th Sept- 21st Oct)
Don’t get too complacent after that good grade- you still need
to work hard to ensure your grades stay that good, so resist the
festivities next Friday and get ahead. Single Kisses under the
mistletoe may be a bit of a cliché, but don’t be too cynical. Taken
Honesty may not be the best policy, nobody is going to gain anything
but they will be hurt to know the truth.
Scorpio (22nd Oct- 21st November)
Christmas Eve will be a lucky day for you- so do all those things you’ve
been too scared to do until now. You’ll feel much better when it’s
all done and this is the right time to be doing it. Single Ask them
for some help on a project- you may not need it but it gives you the
opportunity to spend more time together. Taken It may feel like you’re
having to share them right now, but they are just as frustrated as you
are so don’t take it out on them.
Sagittarius (21st Nov- 21st Dec)
When you go to the cupboard and find no food, call up your mates and
get them round for a takeaway pizza. You’ll have learned something
interesting by the end of the evening. Single They’re really not being
as confusing as you think they are, just listen. Taken They’re feeling
more than a bit down right now, and they really need you to be there
for them. It’ll make you stronger.
Capricorn (21st Dec- 20th Jan)
Someone will notice your talents over the holidays- keep on their
good side because they may well have a proposition for you in the
next few months. Single Keeping things casual is rarely as simple
as you might think, so make sure this is what you want. Taken They
love you very much, but they need you to show them how much they
mean to you too.
Aquarius (21st Jan- 19th Feb)
He’s being overly touchy- there really wasn’t anything wrong with what
you said so don’t feel bad or guilty. Single It doesn’t help that they
are there to constantly rub it in your face but grin and bear it- they’re
not even half as happy as they’re making out. Taken Things really
have moved too quickly, so stop and take stock- you might be missing
out on too much.
Pisces (19th Feb- 19th March)
Being at home is exciting, and your mum has missed you being
around far more than she is letting on, so make her feel appreciated.
Single A break from that person over the holidays will make things
clear. Taken An ex may try to stir things up- but ignore them. Their
intentions are not what they’d have you believe.
20

MUSIC
Red Light Company
Attending the Boileroom on the 13th November, I was excited about seeing this relatively
new 5 piece band. They’ve been on the verge of ‘making it’ for sometime now
with an ever growing fan base. Their new single ‘Scheme Eugene’ is played regularly
on Radio 1, once more adding to their growing success. The Boileroom isn’t an
especially large venue, so I was interested in seeing how they sounded. They came
on stage at about 10.20pm following 3 support acts, looking like a true indie band.
They create an intense sound, and front man Richard has a unique voice, which
really adds something to their music. The band looked like true professionals and
put on an impressive, if not rather short, gig. After much anticipation, I feel the gig
was cut short somewhat, probably because they came on so late. It felt as though
they had a lot more left to give, and a longer slot would have been able to showcase
more of what they can do.
They are definitely a band to look out for, they seem to have a lot of commercial appeal
as an accessible slightly more rocky indie band. Keep a look out!
3/5 by Rachael Fitz-Patrick
Kanye West Concert – O2 Arena – 12/11/08
Kanye West, one of the most prominent rappers of hip-hop today, came to the O2
arena in London on the 11th and 12th of November as part of the UK leg of his critically
acclaimed Glow in the Dark tour.
Support acts included Kid Cudi and Mr Hudson and the Library, both of whom are
signed to Kanye West’s record label GOOD music. Kid Cudi performed some good
songs (including Day and Night which I recommend you give a listen to – a very good
track – it’s a track that grows on you – trust me it’s a good track) and was, in my
opinion, better than Mr Hudson and the Library. Mr Hudson and the Library took a
while to get through their songs and when they finally finished it was a relief.
The lights dimmed, the stage was lit, and out of the smoke emerged Kanye West
talking to the spaceship that formed part of the set. The crowds lit up with camera
flashes and the arena lights flickered. The theme of the concert was space exploration,
and in between parts of the story he would perform his music. He played practically
all his singles from his past studio albums and had everyone in the stands on
their feet. I remember especially when the beat started for his single ‘Gold Digger’,
the audience roared, it was almost deafening. Also when ‘Stronger’ came on, the
crowd went crazy. His performance was energetic and the live instrumentation was
an excellent addition. The concert ran smoothly and Kanye was on for almost 2
hours. The standing ovation he received was well deserved.
Fat Freddy ‘Pull The Catch’ 1/12/08
New Zealand’s Soul kings deliver another smooth track! Fat Freddy’s Drop’s new
single, ‘Pull the Catch’, is really easy to listen to but at the same time has a great
beat that will draw you in, making you repeat it again and again!
4/5, by Andy Phipps
Guns n Roses ‘Chinese Democracy’ 24/11/08
The controversial new single by Guns ‘n’ Roses has already been slammed by the
Chinese government (for obvious reasons), and will probably be slammed the music
loving public. The far-from-perfect Axel Rose takes a moral stance on an ongoing
situation and puts it to the conventional Roses sound. Change the record.
2/5, by Andy Phipps.
Nick Harrison: Something Special Released
24/11/08:
A happy, feel-good song full of storytelling lyrics from this up and coming young artist,
currently on tour with The Automatic.
3.5/5 By Sarah Coe
22
The Fins at the Boileroom
26/10/08
From the outside, the Boileroom looks like any old pub. Maybe an alternative
pub but still a pub. Being Freshers, Lauren and I have never
been here before. My own experience of pub gigs tend to be dingy
affairs where the band stand in a corner, previously occupied by tables
and chairs. This is different. This place has been tailor-made for
music. It’s personal and accessible. The bar is set off to one side
and there is a large stage space beside the main area. Perfect for
music. It’s at the former that we find our band, in high spirits. They
are pleased at being interviewed, having only done one before. I get
in straight away with a standard question, how would they describe
themselves as a band
A barrage of answers are thrown at me including ‘Mental’, ‘Tired’ and
‘We’ve had to do ten shows in ten days.’ For a band that is constantly
on the go, they aren’t letting on physically that they’re tired. They obviously
enjoy their line of work. ‘You mean musically It’s like foot stomping
hard indie rock. It’s quite melodic but it’s a lot more pumping than
normal indie rock.’ Their attire looks very indie. The front man James,
reminds me of Liam Gallagher. ‘We think, we’re heralding the new
90’s!’ That makes sense. The conversation carries on in this style. I
ask a question. The band makes a joke and then gives me the real
answer. I’m not sure if this moves the interview along or not. ‘I was
thinking of a name that you could do thousands of things to market
with. We’ve got a decent logo and it’s good for the merchandise’. I was
a bit taken aback at first that a band would use their name to market
themselves rather than to describe themselves. Actually, I’m sure it
does describe them but was wondering why they would talk about
the financial side. Then it hit me. It’s so hard for bands to get noticed
nowadays. They want to make a living out of it yeah, but exposure is
paramount. They want to be different and stand out. They certainly do
that when they perform.
After the first band, Static City, Lauren and I were ready for
a change to say the least. After speaking to the young, local band
earlier, we were optimistic that the night would start off with a bang.
We were informed that they were ‘Different from the mainstream’.
We both doubted it due to their typical style of hair and presentation
but were obviously intrigued. It seems harsh to say but if you’re going
to sound (and look!) like any other Indie band, then it has to be
something amazing. Sorry to sound like Simon Cowell, but that’s how
it is. Generic music gets a generic response. The Fins lived up to their
hype and more. They blew the audience away with their full throttle
style. As punk fans, we were quite impressed. They belted out songs
such as ‘Repeat to Fade’, ‘Face Behind the Wall’ and their new single
‘Adaptor’, with confidence and control. It would have been easy to get
carried away but these guys know their stuff. I strongly recommend
going to see these guys if you can. It’s grass roots music with the pros
touch. It’s The Fins!
artsdeskstag@gmail.com

Surrey’s Own Music Exclusive with:
The
Automatic
Sara Coe and Rachael Fitz-Patrick have a chat with the band at start of their tour around universities.
When The Automatic came onto the stage, a
large crowd had gathered in anticipation. With
an explosive start, the foursome played their
way through songs from both their first and
second albums. With a few songs under their
belt, they pulled out the old favourite ‘Monster’,
which got the crowd going and from that
point they didn’t seem to stop. Mid-set there
was a heartfelt tribute to Usher, with a cover of
‘Love in This Club’, an unexpected highlight of
the gig. We were even lucky enough to hear an
exclusive track that hadn’t even got a name
yet; if this was a glimpse of things
to come it looks like their music is
going to progress further down the
‘heavy rock’ route. Overall they put
on an amazing performance, and
the crowd certainly loved it.
Before the show we spoke to Rob
(bass guitarist and vocals)...
So you’re just starting a university
tour
Yeah we’re about a quarter of the
way through, started in Preston,
been to Liverpool, Swansea, Bath,
Warwick and Guildford today. And
tomorrow we have a day off. We’re
going to a place just outside Norwich,
some country club thing with
a hotel as well so we’re staying
there, going to play some golf and
relax.
I guess you deserve some time off then
Yeah, you get physically worn out, this is our
fourth gig on the trot and voices especially
need a rest. 15 songs in one night, that’s 60
songs in four days. We don’t do ballads either
so it’s pretty intense! [Laughs]
Is it fair to say that with new band member
Paul [from yourcodenameis:milo] the band
have started to go down a slightly different
route
Yeah we’ve sort of moved in a more rocky direction,
not a million miles from what we did
before but it’s a lot more developed, a lot more
grown up I guess but I don’t really like using
the term grown up...more sophisticated.
Have you noticed a change in your fans because
of that
Umm, we’ve always had a bit of a mix because
of ‘Monster’ really, little kids got into that so
their parents had to come to gigs too. We’ve
always had a bit of an age-range and we’ve
still got that. There’s not been a dramatic shift
but there’s a few yourcodenameis:milo fans
that come along to see what Paul’s doing now.
They’re fanatical. Our live shows have always
been rockier so we’ve picked up a lot of fans
that way, especially compared to our album.
F***ing battles with labels, it’s a pain in the
arse. They want a pop record when we’re writing
rock music. It’s a constant hassle.
Have you been able to compromise a bit
more
I’d like to go a little bit more rock again because
it gets mixed and mastered and stuff
and we don’t tend to be there. You know, someone
will stick in a tambourine when you’re not
looking, SERIOUSLY people f***ing do that!
It sucks. They’ve got their place but not over
every f***ing chorus!
Do you feel defined by ‘Monster’
We play it still but it’s not the highlight of the
set. We use it to get a crowd going early on
rather than building up to it. We’ve got other
songs you know. We take it fairly light-heartedly,
we know what it is, it’s a pop song. We’ve
tried not to let it define us but we wouldn’t be
where we are now if we hadn’t had the song.
Just like Radiohead they wouldn’t be where
they are without the song ‘Creep’. Loathed as
I’m sure they are to admit it.
We’re about the same age but live quite different
lives.
If you weren’t in a band what do
you think you’d be doing
Well we probably wake up at about
the same time [laughs]. I would
have gone to Uni definitely if it had
been different, I think I will go at
some point in my life. I didn’t know
what I wanted to do. Now I’d quite
like to do Philosophy and Politics,
back then I thought I might want
to do creative writing because I am
creative, it sort of makes sense but
it would have been useless!
What’s it like living on a tour bus
It’s alright, the first few days of every
tour you just adjust to waking up
later, dressing rooms don’t open
up til about 2ish so there’s no point in getting
out of bed as you can’t do anything until that’s
open. It’s fine actually, it kind of feels like coming
home going on tour. You get used to sleeping
whilst the bus is moving, and the beds are
tiny. It’s like being in the Navy but much less
disciplined and a lot more fun.
Look out for the next CD handout for your chance to review
23

Andy’s Album of 2008 Two Fingers Of Firewater – Two Fingers Of Firewater
By Andy Vale
As I sit down to write this, I have the album
pumping out of my speakers and have done
for about fifteen minutes. I keep meaning to
write something but there is always a rhythm
I’d rather be tapping out, a bass-line to thud
along too or a chorus to wail with. Since interviewing
this band at Fahrenheit in March this
year, the eleven tracks comprising their self-titled
debut album have become a soundtrack
to my existence. This is one of the finest party
bands I have seen in all my time being here,
and their gigs tend to have more fire, passion
and spontaneity than seven Flirt costume parties
combined.
The album opens with a reworked version of
the traditional track “Satan, Your Kingdom
Must Come Down” that pulsates into the bands
instrumental barnstormer “Bandit”. When a
band’s opening track has an accordion solo
and a mandolin solo, you know the album
could well be interesting. Following on from
Big Strides at 93 Feet East
27/11/2008
By Rachael Fitz-Patrick
If you don’t know who they are, Big
Strides are a trio from London who
have just released their 3rd album,
‘Super Custom Limited’. You name
a genre and it is probably incorporated
into their music; indie, pop,
rock, jazz, blues and hip pop. There
is literally something for everybody.
With 93 Feet East being renowned
for exciting interactive gigs, I was
intrigued about seeing what they
could do. Arriving at the venue, I
was shocked at how empty it was.
For a band massive in Japan, even
with their own clothes line, it would
seem that us Brits were perhaps not
feeling the love. By the time 9.30pm
rolled around, a small crowd had
gathered. The fans that were there
were dedicated, knowing most, if not
all, of the songs and made the venue
feel fuller than it actually was. It’s
24
this is the pedal-steel-led “Endless Highway”
which shows the rhythm section to be tighter
than a gnats sphincter.
I don’t want to give a description of each song,
but at the same time I feel bad for not mentioning
each one. It is genuinely hard to pick any
holes in an album as accomplished as this.
There are simple, strong, well written songs
and some interesting two-part compositions
such as “The Beginning/The End” that take a
couple of listens to until you really appreciate
them. I think that is why this album still sounds
so vibrant to me after 9 months of fairly regular
listens. It has that very tricky skill of having
patches that augment from enjoyable to
un-missable over time. In the mean time, there
are some more immediate tracks such as “The
Night Ends” and “South Bank Girl” which have
catchy hooks, clever lyrics and the power to
take over your body for a few minutes.
When the final strum plays out at the end of the
dozy, whimsical album closer ‘The World Can
Turn’, there are few more satisfying feelings.
difficult not to be impressed by the
band’s versatility showcased in their
live performance- they effortlessly
swap and mix different genres to produce
an amazing sound. Their new
single ‘Hen Night Limousine’ was
performed with the lead singer lying
on the floor in the crowd, definitely
something different! At times they
sound like a lighter Rage Against
the Machine, which in my opinion is
no bad thing. I urge you all to check
them out!
5/5
By Miriam Kidane
It makes you glad that at some point someone
decided to put the Repeat setting on most
musical appliances. The album is on iTunes,
but if you want to be extra cool then pop down
to their Christmas gig at The Boileroom on
December the 14th.
The Shortwave Set at 93
Feet East 24/11/2008
AHHH! Firstly, it was probably the coldest night of the year and
open toe shoes are not appropriate in that kind of temperature,
especially on your way to a trendy venue, about to watch a trendy
band.
So it’s 9.45 we enter 93 Feet East, one of my favourite venues,
and I hear some funky sounds, start bobbing my head, look up
and it’s the support act, The Mentalists. They had some amazing
50’s style bright outfits. I liked.
But on to the band that we were reviewing, The Shortwave Set,
a London based three-piece who are all about making soundscapes
and wonderfully atmospheric music. I hadn’t heard much
about this band apart from a quick listen on their Myspace. They
are a distinct sounding band but sometimes the attempt of a
recreation of ‘retro’ fails and hits dated.
So the gig… it was a chilled out affair and I was surprised at how
good the songs sounded live. I think the band peaked early in
regards to their set list. The second track that they played, ‘High
Social’, was by far the best of the night- it was catchy and fun and
got the crowd moving.
Overall, the band were good, easy to listen to, and I liked the electronica/acoustic
sound that they were trying to portray.
3/5

Surrey’s Own Music Exclusive with:
Katie Fitz-Patrick interviews the Holloways about their tour, new album and much, much more
So... how’s the tour going
Alfie: Great.
Rob: It’s a bit boring actually...
Dave: Nah, it’s going really good. It’s long, the
longest we’ve done. I mean, it started in October
and doesn’t finish for another few weeks.
We did our first, like, festival in it as well which
was good.
A: Yeah, Bryn’s tour managing us at the moment,
hence the laptop. He’s actually playing
Football Manger...
So what can we expect from the new
album There’s not a lot of information
about it around at the moment.
A: The only place you can find any information
is on our MySpace at the moment because
our previous label tried to sue another record
label who released some material via Pit-bull,
who’s a rapper in the states. They went bust so
they got taken over by another label who think
it’s a good idea the moment not to spend any
money advertising anything that’s happening.
So we’re just putting everything on MySpace
ourselves. So yeah, we’re hoping to get the album
out in sort of February/March time. And
you can expect... the same, but better!
B: Still like upbeat and happy but less, like, just
grinding out songs. We spent a lot longer recording
it so it sounds a lot better.
D: First album took what Like 5 days to track
but this one took about 3 weeks so technically
it should be 3 times as good.
So who are your major influences
R: Ah we’ve got so many influences! It’s really
hard to narrow it down. Everything’s a sort of influence.
We do try to make a Holloways sound.
This is what we tried to do on the second album,
we developed what we thought was our
original sound in the songs that kind of made
us popular like Two Left Feet and Generator. I
think a lot of our early stuff was like straight
edge indie music. We tried to leave that aside
and just develop a bit more and be as original
as we can. There’s a lot of bands and you want
to stand out.
If you could collaborate with anybody...
A: Rick James!
B: Yeah Alfie would actually collaborate with
Rick James, make some good songs. Like Superfreak!
A: Everyone needs to get on the Internet and
do a load of Rick James research. Although I
think he just made loads of money off that Superfreak
thing and just sat back.
B: Although it wasn’t a massive hit at the time.
Then MC Hammer used the riff and people
recognised it.
R: Yeah, Rick James. He did sort of invent Hip
Hop really.
B: What about Coolio We were sat at a gig
and then Coolio just walked in and started talking
to us.
A: Yeah we’re friends with Coolio!
So you get to meet quite a few big names
in the industry then.
A: Yeah, Sugarbabes.
B: Coolio.
R: Is that the best we could come up with
Sugababes!
B: Nah we did actually meet The Hoosiers and
Scouting For Girls as well!
A: But as for respectable people, we met Paul
Weller and Supergrass.
B: We got to support The Pogues on their tour.
You toured with The Wombats a while
back, any gossip from that
A: Matt’s got a really big wang.
R: We came in for our sound check and they’d
taken a picture of him sitting in the tour bus,
naked, like that [does thumbs up and a massive
grin] and they’d photocopied it and put it
everywhere...all you see was this massive...
D: Dan’s thumb, or little finger even got
chopped off when he was little. You can sort of
see a little white line around the top where it
goes wonky a bit. Was it his thumb or his little
finger
A: I dunno I stopped paying attention to The
Wombats’ body parts after that photo.
Ok so obviously you’ve got the new
album coming out next year; do you have
any other plans for the coming months/
years
B: Well the EP’s out at the moment, Sinners
and Winners. Which I’m not surprised you’ve
not heard about because if I wasn’t in the band
I don’t think I’d have heard about it. My mum
even phoned me up and said ‘Are you still doing
that EP’ and I was like ‘Yeah it came out 2
days ago mum’.
D: Basically we’re just going to be doing the
same thing. Touring, pushing some new stuff
forward. I’d like to get out of the UK a little more
as well because we did like spot gigs and festivals
but no actual tour or anything. And we get
comments on our MySpace from like Australia
and stuff so we know there’s a fan base.
Ok this is my last question, it is a cheesy
one! If you could be a cocktail what
would you be
D: Hmm. I’d be a Hurricane. Which is just like
lots of Rum. Light Rum, Dark Rum and Gold
Rum.
B: You’d be a Hurricane because you’re powerful
and...whizz round everywhere.
R: I’d be a Singapore Sling. Sort of tropical.
Tropical and sweet.
A: This is really hard. I think Bryn’s would be a
gin and tonic. It’s not a cocktail per se but still.
Bryn and tonic.
B: Actually Gin Fizz is good because it tastes
like Gin. It contains Gin, like me.
A: I’d be a Sex on the Beach because I love sex
and I love beaches.
D: Don’t you love sex on the beach
A: Dream come true isn’t it
R: Nooo. It’d be like sandpaper!
25

Literature Get those creative juices flowing....
*(Haunted by) The Spirit
of Christmas!*
*By Stephanie Davies*
She’d been perfection in holiday guise;
hair like a fir tree, gleaming bauble-eyes.
Her candy-cane teeth were covered with lies.
They were beautiful when she smiled;
the neon snowflakes glittered.
She’d told me how she had wanted to die
gift-wrapped for the coffin. I asked her, “but why”
The red and green of isolation swallowed her reply.
So the last time that I saw her
she was hanging like mistletoe.
The funeral: I stood beside men with moustaches.
“Sudden onset,” they reasoned from beneath tinsel
lashes,
“But happy holidays and all that, and ashes to
ashes!”
Their reindeer noses blushed outside,
so they went in, and drank eggnog.
Humanity
by Katie Allen
Society embracing the fast-paced life,
Although immersed in conflict and strife
No time to marvel at the wonders of the earth,
We grow either optimistic or cynical since our birth.
Multi-tasking is the norm,
Constantly busy even after we are worn.
Developing competitive streaks,
Minutes fly by, let alone the weeks.
Craving love, acceptance and security,
Instead we receive hurt, mockery and pity;
Despite this we are strong and able to cope,
Only by believing in faith and hope.
Clichés conquer while material consumption is
paramount,
Empty gratifications-- our world is crying out.
Gaining no satisfaction, are we becoming crazy
Yes in fact, plus slightly complacent and lazy.
So in the midst of all this chaos
Stay true to yourself, otherwise you’re lost!
26
All I want for Christmas is… Books!
Okay, so that may not be true for the majority
of students, who have spent this semester
and possibly the past couple of years
surrounded by textbooks and journals. But
if you’re stuck for gift ideas this Christmas,
books may well be the solution to your problems…
Why Buy Books For Your Family and Friends
This Christmas
The simple answer is: because they make
great (and often cheap!) presents. Books
can be enjoyed long after your mum, dad,
sister, brother or whoever has read the last
page, not to mention that if the unthinkable
happens and they don’t like the book you’ve
bought them, they can always sell it online
and buy themselves something they really
want! So, to take the some of the stress
out of Christmas shopping, I’ve had a quick
scout around online and summarised in a
handy guide what’s on offer and where. You
don’t even have to venture out of your house
into the wintry cold as I’ve done some of
the hard work for you (I’m nice like that!).
So, read the guide, plug in your PC and get
shopping…
UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP
You don’t need to venture off campus to find
potential book gifts. The Bookshop currently
has 20% off fiction titles, including ‘Articles
of Faith’ by Russell Brand, ‘The Mighty
Book of Boosh,’ and the 2009 edition of the
‘Guinness Book of World Records’. There is
a wide range of books from cook books and
biographies to fiction and world affairs, and
the 20% reduction will lessen the damage
‘Neverwhere’ (Neil Gaiman)
This book is one of my personal favourites.
I asked for it last Christmas after a friend’s
recommendation, and I thoroughly enjoyed
reading it.
It follows Richard, who has recently moved
to London following a job promotion. His
display of kindness towards an injured
young girl whom he encounters on one of
the city’s streets alters his life beyond comprehension,
and he is introduced to the
world that exists beneath the London we
know- London Below. Richard meets an
done to your pocket. The free ‘Christmas
Books’ catalogue makes it even easier to
find the ideal gift for a friend.
WATERSTONES (www.waterstones.com)
Waterstones Online has a Christmas Giftfinder,
so if you’re stuck for ideas simply enter
who you want to buy a gift for, what their
interests are and how much you’re prepared
to spend. This is ideal for students who are
on the lookout for gifts under a tenner.
W H SMITH (www.whsmith.co.uk)
Smith’s have got some great deals at the
moment, including up to half price on all of
their best-selling hardbacks. This includes
autobiographies by Dawn French, Paul
O’Grady and Alan Carr, cook books by Nigella
Lawson and Jamie Oliver as well as fiction
titles by Steven King, John le Carre and
Jodi Picoult. With a wide range on offer from
comedy to cookery, history to TV, you’re sure
to find a gift that won’t do too much damage
to your bank balance!
PLAY (www.play.com)
The brilliant thing about Play.com is that delivery
is free, so you don’t have to fork out
for postage on top of your purchases. Like
Waterstones, Play also has a Gift Finder, as
well as boasting an extensive range of offers,
including books for a fiver and up to
half price on selected titles. For something
a bit different, check out the Cult Christmas
section, with books such as ‘Fight Club’, ‘A
Clockwork Orange’ and ‘The Shining’ on offer
for under £10.
‘
The Literature Editor Recommends...
array of intriguing and vibrant characters,
including Door, the pretty young girl who he
finds bleeding on the pavement, who is on
a mission to avenge the killers of her once
prestigious family. ‘Neverwhere’ turns the
perceptions of modern-day London upside
down, and London Below will linger
in the imagination long after the book is
put down. This book would make a perfect
gift to a teenage or adult relative; it’s funny
and fantastical, and will leave you wanting
to read more by Neil Gaiman.

The best and worst of film 2008
Another year has gone and, well, not many film trends
have made this year a highly significant one. The Writers
Strike came to an end and a load of big budgeted
films have been cast aside for next year, or had the
crushing feeling of being rushed to meet demands.
Quantum of Solace was a prime example of a film that
was hard done by with the Writers Strike, without a
proper story or certainly that essence of Bond.
That’s not to say though films weren’t doing well. The
Dark Knight was the second highest grossing film of
all time. Mamma Mia! wasn’t far behind, doing wonders
at the UK box office, plus other superhero movies
joined in on the success, Indiana Jones and the
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hancock, Iron Man et
al.
That’s all well and good, but I can help but feel that
people are not bothering to explore any more. With
normal moviegoers claiming The Dark Knight was the
best film this year. The title of the ‘biggest’ film this
year is agreeable, but I think we need to step back a
little and look at all the films this year. In my opinion,
these are the gems that stand out and I hope will be
discovered before long:
THE BEST
1. Of Time and the City (12A, Terrence Davis)
‘Cinematic poetry’ is a term that if you said it to someone,
all the white flags with ‘pretentious’ written all
over it, would be swaying. Terrence Davis’ cinematically
graceful film is so entrancing the fact that archive
footage can create something that is truly cinematic,
deserves admiration. With rows of terraced houses,
dazzling picture houses, smoke coming from chimneys
brings an aura of paradise and childhood lost. I know
it is cliché, but there is a lot to get out of it, and never
have I been more thoroughly moved this year than Of
Time and the City.
2. Waltz with Bashir (18, Ari Folman)
Israel’s entry for Best Animated Feature at the 2009
Academy Awards is for one’s consideration over a robot
named Wall-E. The juxtaposing of the Lebanese and Israeli
conflict with the animated comic book style is like
watching the film in slow motion. It is certainly startling
to watch beautiful images of flares running against tall
buildings in this fashion, but it works impeccably. You
can’t take your eyes off it; it’s a haunting dream on the
confusions and mystery of war and conflict.
3. Man on Wire (12A, James March)
What is interesting is how a film about Philippe Petit’s
act of crossing the two towers of the World Trade Centre,
would not blatantly mention the tragic events that
happened twenty-seven years later. The answer is this;
this is a film about a courageous man who crossed the
two towers as a fitting tribute to a building he admired.
Every audience member can see through hindsight
what happened to the Twin Towers. Rightly so that it
should not be mentioned. The towers are represented
as a centrepiece and the director lets the audience fill
in that gap and have them enjoy this document of an
astounding achievement. The documentary is entertaining
and there is enough pleasure to be had, but
ultimately it is engrossing.
4. Garage (18, Lenny Abrahamson)
A touching, gentle, very sad, but ultimately quiet film.
The best performance to come out of this year is from
Pat Shortt, as an innocently lost soul who is washed out.
Very tragic, but beautifully shot, this could be seen as a
follow up to Abrahamson’s impressive debut film Adam
and Paul. It is carefully directed, beautifully acted and
what is a little film with a big heart. We all sympathise
with Josie (Pat Shortt), but what the films does amiably
is just let us. It doesn’t emphasise any elements, it gently
moves at a superb pace.
5. Gomorra (18, Matteo Garrone)
The big hit at Cannes; this film is a grim, tough observation
of the crime-ridden area of Camorra in Italy. It’s
raw, almost documentary style, makes it all the more
chilling and remarkable. It’s bravado and at the same
time repellent and in no way do you think there is characterisation
or that annoying “geezers with guns”. It is
a cold representation on the way society is battered
and bruised by an all-too-higher power that cannot be
controlled by any authority. It’s not an easy watch, but
it is remarkable.
THE WORST
1. Meet the Spartans (12A, Jason Friedberg and
Aaron Seltzer)
Not only does this film demonstrates how long ago Airplane!
was, but how all these stereotypes about Hollywood
fat cats sitting in their pools of money might not
be far off in reality. Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg
have written and made some of the most grossly unfunny
and repugnant films over the years; Scary Movie
1, 2, 3, 4, Date Movie, Epic Movie and Disaster Movie
(they got that right!). What stuns me is how audiences
have the gaul to watch their films and bring in successful
box office business. Meet the Spartans is stupid.
No, it’s really, really stupid. It’s inconceivably stupid.
These two filmmakers just found out that 300 was a
bit homoerotic. So they made a film about it, and guess
what They think that dumb audiences like you would
pay to go and see it. It is horrible, horrible, horrible, so
horrible even Heat magazine gave it one star.
2. Cashback (15, Sean Ellis)
For film buffs among us who remembered Lars Von
Trier’s The Idiots, our nightmares are coming back to
haunt us. Sean Ellis’ Cashback grew as short film in
2004 and it was astoundingly nominated for Best Live
Short at the 2006 Academy Awards. After that it was
expanded for a torturous 107 minutes and released to
as a feature film. That’s the brief history here’s the consequence:
it’s self-indulgent, wallowing hogwash of the
highest order. The worst part is that it thinks it’s art. It’s
like watching a student film made in the lofts of New
York, where people eat spaghetti and watched Zabriskie
Point the night before. And let’s not even start on the
amount of gratuitous nudity in this film, which is as impassionate
as two rats mating. There’s just no need for
it and our “lonely” protagonist is beyond loathsome.
3. The Hottie and the Nottie (12A, Tom Putnam)
The title is about as morally abhorrent as the film. If
you read the plot, you’ll notice that is has an aspiring
message, which is this: if you’re ugly, no one will love
you, no one will care for you and you might as well rot in
hell. I’m not making this up. It’s a thoroughly depressing
film more than it is a comedy. Even if it wanted to
be a comedy, it’s certainly not funny and it certainly
doesn’t aspire to anything. But here’s the thing everyone
has been waiting for, which I will now say: what
is the point of Paris Hilton Aside from being a not a
really good actress, her part in the making of this film
is evident, who else was cast for the ‘Hottie’ All is not
lost though, this film tremendously tanked at the box
office. There is a god.
4. The Love Guru (12A, Marco Schnabel)
Personally, I’ve never found Mike Myers funny. There is
something very smug about the way he portrays comedy.
However, I find it criminal when Myers is the only
one who is laughing at his own jokes, and the rest of
the audience is clutching their nails deep into the arm
rests. As you can tell I really have a thing for bad comedies,
but not only does Mike Myers bring up bad jokes,
he recycles them from his other movies. Worst of all,
you have Jessica Alba not having a clue what’s going
on, Verne Troyer who’s treated really cruelly and Justin
Timberlake who…I don’t even want to mention him.
5. Sex and the City (15, Michael Patrick King)
To round off the list, I have to get something off my back
that has been bugging me so much this year. The worst
thing is the tons of backlash I got from saying that Sex
and the City is terrible. There must have been a sign
outside the cinema that said, ‘before you judge the
film, think about it. It’s not aimed at men’. Of course it’s
not, but that’s not going to stop. The film takes forever
at two and a half hours. For a comedy that’s over long,
for Sex and the City it’s two hours overlong. Aside from
being poorly directed, poorly acted, poorly written, it’s
huge advertisement for Chanel, Prada, Gucci, Burberry,
Givenchy, Oscar de la Renta, the list goes on and on.
Plus, The moral high ground is this: “all a girl wants is a
huge, great, big closet”. Patronising The jury has given
its verdict.
27

Film & Theatre
Max Payne - (15)
By James Stansfield
Based on the 2001 video game of the same name, this by-the-numbers
adaptation stars Mark Wahlberg as Payne, a New York police detective, on
the hunt for the person that killed his wife and child. As anyone who has
played the well-received videogame would know, the Russian drug Valkyr
is believed to be the root cause for the murders, for many of the addicts
are physically and mentally tortured by the subsequent hallucinations.
He is aided by Mila Kunis (of Family Guy fame), a supposed assassin
who is out to avenge her sister’s death in what appears to be a huge
conspiracy involving Payne’s wife.
The film is directed by John Moore, whose resume includes the mediocre
The Omen remake and Flight of the Phoenix which was largely average.
When Moore set out to make Max Payne it seems his plan was to
translate a videogame about corruption and drug-induced psychosis
into a mainstream film, all the time making it accessible for a teenage
audience. Presumably, this is why Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges is in the film,
for not only is his videogame counterpart white, not black, but he also
produces a wooden performance, rarely showing any real emotion or
ever providing the audience with a moment of real conviction. It seems
his ‘street appeal’ was more important than someone who could act.
As the film unfolds, it becomes clear that whilst the drug Valkyr is
indeed having a significant effect on those who become hooked on it, a
sinister conspiracy is to blame, emanating from the very pharmaceutical
company Max Payne’s wife used to work for. Whilst this should make for
a potentially exciting burst of intriguing and eventful scenes, Wahlberg’s
performance is never quite raw enough to evoke any sort of worthwhile
reaction from the audience.
Whilst his acting is never shambolic, he doesn’t commit himself enough
to the role he’s supposed to be bringing to life, and so the character
– as brilliant and suave as he is in the game – never truly emerges. In
reality, Moore just doesn’t seem to know how to properly convert the
style of the source material onto film, and despite the occasional nod to
the game’s niche film noir elements, the over-the-top-style of the game
which worked so well in a self-satirical fashion just doesn’t work in the
film.
The action does pick up in the second half of the film, as Payne unravels
the truths behind his family’s murder and he blasts his way through
countless armed goons on his way. Slow-motion close-up shots - one
of the film’s selling points - are employed during one or two shootouts
though this feels like a wasted inclusion and merely plays homage to the
slow-mo used in the Matrix, a film released nine years ago.
Whereas, as a fan of the videogames, I could enjoy the references to the
game’s plot points and certain key scenes, for anyone unfamiliar with the
game it would appear to be a mess of frankly ridiculous action scenes
merged with a confusing and unintelligible storyline. Some may see it as
a harmless gun-toting affair; others will be put off by the unusual nature
of the plot. At the end of the day, it’s a hit and miss film that could have
been handled so much better had the director actually known which
audience he wanted to cater for. Sadly, the result is average and likely to
be forgotten sooner rather than later.
Score: 6/10
Mighty Boosh
Brighton Centre 11 Nov 08
By Mark Allen
The Mighty Boosh are one of the best modern
comedy duos in Britain, and when they come
to put on a live show, tickets sell out instantly.
This was their second time round the UK, after
the massive success of the first live shows last
year. Having been a huge fan since the series
first appeared on TV and radio, this was something
I wasn’t going to miss.
I saw the previous live tour, and the atmosphere
at Boosh gigs is like nothing else I have
experienced. Mighty Boosh fans are notably
devoted, with people coming dressing up as
the characters from the shows. The age range
is huge, with families and teens all getting involved.
This was their second UK tour and runs
from September 2008 to January 2009, with
95 scheduled dates.
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I wasn’t sure what to expect this time round,
especially with the fast turnaround from the
third series. The main show consisted of bringing
characters from the show out to perform
short portions, and performing songs from the
series. This pleased the crowd, as always, with
the usual heckling put downs from Fielding, and
geek-sheek from Barratt. One thing that was
very different this time round was the introduction
of a live band. Barratt, who composes all
the music for the TV series, played guitar with
them on most of the tracks.
There were also a number of new additions,
all equally ridiculous as ever. Fielding introduced
Sunflash, an angel who speaks with an
Chinese/Chav accent, which Vince believes is
how people will speak in the future. By the end
of the show, most of the audience in the floor
seating had got out of their seats and moved to
the front of the stage, and it looked like it had
turned into a full scale rock concert.
All in all, the introduction of the live band was
an awesome experience, and it was great to
see a variety of characters from across all the
series. It did however have the feeling that it
had been put together much faster than the
original live tour in 2008, but ticked the boxes
all round. If you can see them this year before
the tour is up, take the opportunity as it is one
of the most fun evenings you can have at the
theatre.
Rating – 4.5/5,

University of Surrey
Gliding Club
“Come fly with us”
Join us and get one free flight each week!
For more information and to book, visit:
www.ussu.co.uk/gliding
This Months Records
Longest Flight:
Johnny Mak had a flight of 1 hour 40 minutes.
Most Flying:
Jonathan Ross flew 30 flights.
Congratulations:
Chris Jones went solo this month
Adam Lindsay went solo this month
Jonathan Ross became a basic instructor
Alex Jones converted onto the DG1000
Steve the Stag gives gliding the thumbs up!
If you have any articles for the sports
section then email...
sportsdeskstag@gmail.com
By Nicholas Rose
Sheffield University Open 2008
At the end of November the Surrey Taekwondo club entered the
Sheffield Taekwondo University Open, our second taekwondo
tournament of the year. For those of you that are unfamiliar with
Taekwondo here’s a little background:
Taekwondo in its current form is a relatively ‘new’ martial art, although
it has quickly grown to be one of the most practiced martial art in
the world. Taekwondo sparring is nothing short of unique. It’s full
contact, but punches to the head are strictly prohibited. This forces
the competitors to use a variety of footwork and kicks with precise
timing and accuracy in order to score points or get a knockout.
Fight Report
We entered eight fighters to the tournament and ended up taking home
2 gold and 3 silver medals. Fights were unusually long consisting of 3
rounds of 3 minutes.
Spencer Boxer provided some of the most impressive performances
of the day. Head kicks ultimately proved to be his strength and he
soon found himself facing fellow Surrey Taekwondo Student Naren
Murralidharan in the final. Despite injuries he fought for the whole
9 minutes of his last fight and won silver in his first ever taekwondo
competition. Naren was also on top form, defeating a far more
experienced fighter in the semi-finals and ultimately beating Spencer
in the final to take home Gold.
After an unfortunate accident in the first round, Karim Abou
outperformed his opponent in his second fight, winning by TKO. He
then went on to win silver in the final; an impressive feat for his first
competition
Unfortunately Nina Bafouni, Asif Ali and I were not successful in
achieving medals but nonetheless had strong performances. This
was especially true of Asif who after only just starting taekwondo, had
to fight a red belt (one before black belt). No one would have blamed
him for throwing in the towel but he did not falter; lasting all three
rounds, putting up a brilliant fight.
Aris Sakellariau and Waseem Sachak proved their worth in the black
belt category; achieving gold and silver respectively. They did not
disappoint in their fights, each performing with the skill, timing and
finesse that one expects from fighters of their calibre. They both had
to defeat 3 opponents before meeting each other in the final, showing
excellent athleticism and determination!
Final Thoughts
Overall it was a successful day for Surrey Taekwondo Club, which
would not have been possible, if not for the excellent teaching and
coaching of Master Bae, the spirit and determination of competitors
and very kind offer from Tof to drive us there.
If you are interested in the Taekwondo Club please feel free to drop
in to try it out. Also if you would like to see some of the footage from
the competition, you can do so by checking out our facebook group:
‘University of Surrey Tae Kwon Do Club’.
29

Open Water Swimming
By Nick Martin
Open water swimming is by definition, an activity in which people swim
in large bodies of water such as oceans, bays, lakes and rivers. It is a
pastime, a way to challenge yourself and also a competitive Olympic
sport, the first modern Olympics in 1896 held all swimming events
in open water. More recently the International Olympic committee
has added a 10km open water swim which featured in the 2008
Olympics.
Recently open water swimming has become increasingly popular,
mostly through increased participation in multisport events such as
triathlons. A large number of triathlons involve swim legs which are
held in open water especially as the distance of the race increases. This
is how I got involved with open water swimming, my first competitive
event was during the summer. I found it much different to swimming
in a pool where you can see the bottom and there are no waves!
The emphasis on the sport is on endurance over long distances as
opposed to shorter races which are held in swimming pools. Distances
of vary from 750m to 4kms for most triathlons to longer distance
events of over 25kms. This means the most important aspect of an
open water swimmers stroke is to focus on an efficient technique as
opposed to sprint speed. In general front crawl is the chosen stroke
since it offers
the most efficient way of swimming over a prolonged distance and for
triathlons keeps strain on legs muscles down to a minimum for the
bike and the run sectors.In response to the rise in competitive events
involving longer distance swimming, the Swimming and Water Polo
Club have elected an open water swimming captain to help people
get involved in this increasingly popular area of sport. Most events
will be based around multidisciplinary sports such as aquathlons and
triathlons, however, open water swimming specific events as well as
training will be organised before the start of the new season next year.
In the mean time pool based swimming takes place at the spectrum
alongside water polo training every Sunday, Monday and Thursday.
For any more information on open water swimming, triathlons,
swimming in general or water polo, don’t hesitate to contact one of
the following people below.
See you in the pool, or maybe even in the sea!
Nick Martin (Open Water Swim Captain) – en51nm@surrey.ac.uk
Clare McCartney (Water Polo Chair) – cm00070@surrey.ac.uk
Trampolinists
Triumph!
By Claire Loveridge - Club Secretary
So far this year, the University of Surrey Trampoline Squad has attended
2 competitions, and successfully come home with 7 medals in the space
of 2 weeks! On the weekend of 15 th November, the squad travelled to
Loughborough University, which slightly puts our sports centre to shame
(wow!). Here Darryl Tott, Keiran Hyland, and myself all won silver medals
in our categories of Advanced, Intermediate and Novice. The following
weekend of the 22 nd , we travelled to Bristol University, which we are only
too familiar with due to BUSA 2008. This time Darryl Tott, Keiran Hyland
and Ashley ‘Danger’ Murray all came home with silver, and I came home
with bronze! Well done to everyone else who competed, especially to those
who competed for their first time. All in all a great success, and it is only
December…. Watch this space!
L-R: Ashley Murray, Darryl Tott, Claire Loveridge and Keiran Hyland.
30

We hope you have a
wonderful
Christmas, from all
of us here at
32
See you in 2009!