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advice Sort it out! FS readers and a trained counsellor give their advice on how to tackle one of life’s problems. This month’s problem... “I don’t care if I get HIV.” Your say... Dear aNONYMOUS There’s only one explanation A for you emailing FS and for saying, in that email, that you aren’t alarmed, but also saying you’re scared, telling your story in an alarming fashion and ending with a cry for help! You are conflicted. Part of you knows that 26| what you’re doing is both risky and wrong, and part of you doesn’t want to know. You won’t get this conflict resolved by any magazine. Man up and get some counselling. Tony from Tonbridge Dear aNONYMOUS The longer you stay in this A state, the worse it’s going to get. You need to take some action now to help yourself. Believe me, once you start taking positive steps to take control of your life, you will start to feel better about yourself. First thing, check that you have support. Talk to friends who you believe will understand and try to help you. Once you have support, get tested. Yes, of course it’s scary, but there are two options here: either you are HIV-positive, in which case getting tested will mean that you can access treatment which can help you to live a long life, or you
are still HIV-negative, in which case you’re probably wasting a lot of energy worrying about it, and knowing that you’re negative may help to motivate you to take fewer risks in future. Whether you’re HIV-negative or HIV-positive, not testing, and not knowing, isn’t going to help you. Gav via email Dear aNONYMOUS Bruv it sounds like this is a A mental health issue. My mate had depression and while he was depressed he never really cared about his actions. He wanted to break out of it but just didn’t have the energy. So maybe you are depressed and having lots of sex because it’s giving you brief moments of escapism. Either way, talk to a professional. It’s the only way forward for you. Zavi via email A counsellor’s opinion... Sona Barbosa, Counsellor Team Leader for the GMI Partnership, says: Dear aNONYMOUS There are a lot of issues A caught up in your email and I think we should look at them one-by one. You write that you don’t know your HIV status and have never been tested for HIV, well, you are in good company. At least 25% of gay men who are HIV-positive don’t know that they are as, like you, they have not tested. In writing this I don’t mean that you are HIV-positive, what I do mean is that you should get tested even though you are scared. I do wonder what you are scared of though. Is it a diagnosis of being HIV-positive? Being anxious or fearful of having HIV and all that it entails is perfectly natural. Fear and anxiety are just a couple of the many emotions you will inevitably feel, and will have to manage. By waiting you are choosing to live in permanent anxiety, uncertainty and fear, which in the long term can be a lot harder to cope with. We know that the sooner you are diagnosed the better for your long-term health as you will be able to start medication to keep you healthy at a time when your body needs the help. Although an HIV diagnosis is not something anyone wants to hear, if that is your status then knowing it will not change it and in fact can be seen as the best information for your future heath. HIV tests are very quick and can be done in a number of settings, not only hospitals or GUM clinics. Some tests are done using an ‘INSTI test’ with the result being known in a few seconds. There are a number of organisations that offer these tests, in a friendly and supportive setting, which will help you through the test, regardless of the result. Although you write that you don’t care about being infected with HIV, or passing it on, you also say that something inside you wants to stop the behaviour that is putting yourself and others at risk. Deep down I think that you do care about yourself and others, even if you don’t want to admit that right now. You seem to be convinced that you are HIV-positive and I wonder how you would react to an HIV-negative result. I think that regardless of your HIV status you need to look at the sex you are having, why you cannot negotiate the kind of sex you have and more particularly your self-esteem. Low self-valuation may lead some gay men to use sex encounters as a coping strategy, without considering safer sex practices. I would recommend you look into counselling which will be able to help you understand your behaviour and the issues behind it, and look at ways of making the changes you want. Next month’s problem... I’ve been watching porn since I was in my mid-teens. Q Recently though, I have found myself watching more and more bareback porn. It’s come to the point that I only watch bareback porn. My mates were round the other day and as you do we talked about sex over a few beers. I told them I liked watching bareback stuff. I could tell straight away they were shocked that I would admit to it. I’m wondering is there anything wrong with what I’m doing. I know the risks that comes with bareback sex but surely I’m not doing any harm, or am I? Edward, 22, from London l If you have some advice to give, or you have a problem that needs sorting, email: fsmag@gmfa.org.uk. Sort it out EXTRA <strong>GMFA</strong> answers your other questions and worries. Do I need extra thick Condoms, or am I just thick? I've recently been given Q some condoms but they say on the packaging: 'for vaginal intercourse , other uses can increase the potential of breakage.' I thought condoms were condoms and so all appropriate for anal sex? A study of kitemarked condoms found no difference in failure rates between 'ordinary' condoms and 'extra thick' condoms when used for anal sex, so all condoms that carry the kitemark should be fine for anal sex. Condom failure is most usually related to using the wrong kind of lube, or putting the lube in the wrong places, or not putting the condom on properly. <strong>GMFA</strong> recommend that you use kitemarked condoms, where available, as these have been properly tested. For more info, visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/condoms. What are these white spots on my cock? I’ve got lots of white Q spots on the head of my cock and I don’t know what they are. Are they an STI? White spots on your penis could be genital warts, although they are more likely to be pearly penile papules. If the white spots are around the ridge on the head of your cock, and they look like white spots, then they are likely to be PPP. Warts look more like little cauliflowers. Pearly penile papules are common. They are nothing to worry about and are not sexually transmitted. If you Google them you will find pictures that may help to confirm this. However, if you are in doubt, we recommend that you see a doctor, or visit your local GUM service, because if they are genital warts then they will need to be treated. You can find out more about genital warts at: www.gmfa.org.uk/sex/stis/warts. www.gmfa.org.uk |27
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