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kristian+LiFE
The real sex life of a
positive person
“We forgot the condoms,” said my
boyfriend as we unpacked our cases
ready for a dirty weekend in Ireland. It
had been a late night, an early start for
the airport, and after a horrible week at
work, neither of us had particularly
been in the mood to pay more than
lip-service to the vagaries of holiday
packing. We’d barely remembered our
passports.
Palms on foreheads, we looked at
each other in disbelief. “How the hell
could we forget the condoms?” I said
“That’s the first thing we need to pack
when we go away!”
You see, I have HIV, and he doesn’t.
And we like sex. So it’s a bit of a
problem when we forget to pack
condoms for a weekend in the middle
of nowhere.
Now, there may be more than one
way to skin a cat, but there’s only one
way to skin a cock, so a lack of latex
put paid to certain ‘activities’. But I
guess that’s the wonderful thing about
gay sex. You have two cocks, two
mouths and four hands. Let’s just say
we coped.
Since contracting HIV, I’ve had to
learn a bit about
responsibility and
honesty. As the
positive partner of a
negative man, I feel
a responsibility to
protect him. It’s
only natural when
you love
someone. But,
while we enforce
a condoms
everytime policy
with sex, there also
has to be acceptance
on both sides, and
we’ve had to find a sort of
peace with the fact that he
may end up with it one day, despite
how careful we are.
Relationships aside, if I were single
I’d be taking the same approach.
Like 99% of gay men in their 30s,
I’ve had a fair amount of sex. OK, I’ve
had a lot of sex. And a lot of sexual
partners. I’ve had sex as an
HIV-negative man and I’ve had sex as
“Like 99%
of gay men in
their 30s, I’ve had
a fair amount of sex.
OK, I’ve had a lot
of sex. And a lot
of sexual
partners.”
an
HIV-positive
man, with
people from
both ends of
the spectrum.
And yes, I’ve
barebacked
with positive
guys. Ooh,
controversial.
Positive guys
bareback with each
other all the time.
Everyone knows that. And while
HIV isn’t the only disease people
should worry about, I’m a grown man,
which gives me the luxury of making
decisions for myself. The cards were
on the table on both sides and we
made a decision. For the record, I
never have and never will bareback
with a negative guy.
So, apart from the rule of ‘never go
in without a skin’, I’d say my sex life is
pretty normal. Sorry for anyone who
was hoping for an earth-shattering
revelation.
Some of it has been great, some
of it good, some OK and
some of it has been pretty
bloody awful, to be
honest. I’ve had
bottles of poppers
fall on my head,
cramp in my foot,
a knee or two in
the bollocks. I’ve
settled in for a
long session only
to cum in 30
seconds, and there
have been other
times when I couldn’t
cum if you were
holding a gun to my head.
“It amazes me that issues
of gay/straight/bi still resonate,” wrote
Richard Fairbrass in the 23 April
edition of the Evening Standard, in
response to the public reaction to
Jessie J’s supposed ‘lesbian cover-up’.
“Sometimes even gay sex can be
pretty rubbish. It might help diffuse the
curiosity and exoticism around the
subject if more people knew this!”
Well, let’s face it. He has a
point, and when it
comes to the sex
lives of positive
people, even the
gay community
can be pretty
short sighted
at times.
There’s a fair
amount of
prejudice. Any
of these sound
familiar?
“He has HIV,
which must
mean he’s a dirty
bottom slut who
only cares about
getting the next cock up
him.” or “I wouldn’t go near
him, he’s riddled”.
Judgements aside, there’s a pretty
serious awareness issue going on, too,
and it’s not because of a lack of
available information. Did I get HIV
because I’m promiscuous? Nope. I got
HIV because I was naïve.
And in the same way we’ve all been
grilled by our tipsy, straight colleagues
in the pub about our sex lives and
relationships “Who’s the ‘woman’?”
“Do you wear leather?” There is a
certain ‘exoticism’ around sex with
positive guys. “How does it work?”
I’ve been asked. “What are the risks?”
People are curious. They want to know
more, but they’re embarrassed to ask.
Gay sex is great. It’s sticky, sweaty,
dirty, loving, hard, soft and heart
poundingly wonderful. And it’s no
different when you’re positive. I’ve had
sex that makes you see stars and the
kind that has you praying for it to be
over. Sometimes in the same night.
Everyone likes a touch of the enigma,
the risk of being caught, the thrill of
anonymity, or a new cock to play with.
It’s why we initially seek out sex in all
its forms. But, positive or negative,
and whatever kind of sex you enjoy,
should you ever sacrifice honesty and
self-respect for a good time? Think
about it.
l Kristian Johns is an author and
former editor who now runs his own
copywriting agency. His first full-length
novel is due out in 2012. You can catch
his personal musings at his blog,
www.sexdrugsandsausagerolls.com
and on Twitter, @guy_interruptd.
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