FASHION

“If you feel like you have to
walk on eggshells around your
partner—constantly watching
what you say and do in order
to avoid a blow-up—chances
are your relationship is
unhealthy and abusive. Other
signs that you may be in an
abusive relationship include
a partner who belittles you or
tries to control you, and feelings
of self-loathing, helplessness,
and desperation.”
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE HOME
The most recent statistics for domestic violence cases in Seychelles are
from 2013. Where figures show that domestic violence in the home grew
considerably from 472 cases in 2010, 589 in 2011, 670 in 2012 to 617 cases
in 2013. Bearing in mind these are cases that are reported – more often
than not, domestic violence is tolerated in the home for years and years,
before it is (if ever) reported. Also to note, is that these cases all included
physical harm – domestic abuse may include emotional or psychological
damage, but domestic violence indicates that the victim was physically
harmed.
FOR YOU
How to recognise abuse
Domestic abuse often starts out as verbal and emotional abuse;
arguments start, name-calling and blaming is thrown in, foul language
and threats may arise. This tends to escalate over weeks, months and
years. While physically, bodily violence seems the most dangerous, it’s
generally the emotional and psychological element that causes the most
damage over time. Emotionally abusive relationships lower your selfworth,
lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and
alone. Domestic abuse knows no bounds – it affects women, men and
children, whether in a partnership or married, no matter race or religion –
and it is extremely damaging to all involved.
Signs of an abusive relationship
Knowing how to identify the signs of an abusive relationship is the first
step in getting help, and removing yourself from this toxic situation.
SPECIAL REPORT
The arrival of their son, Myles, did not change Mark’s anger with the
world. While she can’t confirm whether Myles ever witnessed a physical
incident she knows he heard them. In fact, his reaction to a particular fight
was the moment she decided she had to leave Mark. Myles stood in the
corridor outside their bedroom in the middle of an intense verbal fight
and shouted, ’stop making me pee in my pants’. Cecile there and then
realised that she had not managed to keep her marital problems separate
from her child. At four, he was already consumed with fear. This was day
one in the countdown to her divorce.
The process would take two years. Cecile explained that she has never
been a person who made rushed decisions. To leave Mark she had to
be independent. They shared a home, a car and he was privy to all her
financials. She had to change all that. During those two years, life went
on and the abuse went on. At times she felt hopeful that things could
change. Afterall, she had a home, an extended family and a status. Was
it worth giving all this up? And there was another important factor
to consider as well; shame. How would her family react? What would
everyone think? Aside from a bloody nose once, her bruises had always
been hidden from the world. No one knew of her torment.
Turning 30 was a turning point in her life. In January that year she laid
the cards on the table to Mark – no more cheating and no more hitting.
He agreed and kept his promise for just over a month. An incident where
she stayed at an event for one hour longer than she had promised
resulted in an assault while she slept and a broken arm when she reacted.
The morning after that incident, Cecile walked out.
It’s been over a decade now since that day. For the most part Cecile feels
that she has moved on. She can talk about it without crying and is able
to analyse the entire 14 years with Mark from both perspectives. Mark’s
mother had been openly unfaithful to his father causing him to have a
low opinion of women in general. According to her, a man who ‘hates’ his
mother or sister has issues which need to be addressed. Also, she reckons
that Mark could never truly accept the woman she grew into over the
years. At 16, she was a child and as she matured she changed and he lost
his control over her. Academically, she was also a step ahead of him. She
never thought that would have anything to do with anything, but she
does recall conversations with polytechnic friends many years ago where
they expressed concerns over their compatibility. The fact that she was
accepted into the school she wanted and he didn’t most likely did not sit
well with him.
On the other hand, parts of the abuse puzzle have stayed with her. It’s
taken her years to trust her current partner. Years into their relationship
she still has trouble believing he would never hit her or threaten to leave
her. It is a work in progress and it always will be.
According to helpguide.org, an international site for information and
help with mental and emotional health, the most telling sign is fear of
your partner. “If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your
partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid
a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive.
Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner
who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing,
helplessness, and desperation.”
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:
Feel afraid of your partner much
of the time?
Avoid certain topics out of fear of
angering your partner?
Feel that you can’t do anything
right for your partner?
Believe that you deserve to be
hurt or mistreated?
Wonder if you’re the one who is
crazy?
Feel emotionally numb or
helpless?
Your Partner’s Violent Behaviour
or Threats
Does your partner:
Have a bad and unpredictable
temper?
Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or
kill you?
Threaten to take your children
away or harm them?
Threaten to commit suicide if you
leave?
Force you to have sex?
Destroy your belongings?
Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:
Humiliate or yell at you?
Criticize you and put you down?
Treat you so badly that you’re
embarrassed for your friends or
family to see?
Ignore or put down your opinions
or accomplishments?
Blame you for their own abusive
behavior?
See you as property or a sex
object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Controlling
Behaviour
Does your partner:
Act excessively jealous and
possessive?
Control where you go or what
you do?
Keep you from seeing your friends
or family?
Limit your access to money, the
phone, or the car?
Limit who you see and where you
go?
Constantly check up on you?
MARCH 2015 | POTPOURRI 18