FASHION

AGONY AUNT
Dear Annalisa ......
Cursing and forgetfulness are issues that Annalisa helps our readers solve this month…
Foul Mouthed Parenting
Forget my birthday-not
Q: Dear Annalisa,
Recently, I find myself swearing at my 7-year old. I have never been
known to curse and it shocks me that I am unable to control my anger.
My child is driving me insane and I am now dropping bombs left, right
and centre. How do I stop this?
Potty-Mouth Mummy
A: Dear Potty-Mouth Mummy,
It seems the swearing and cursing has become a way of dealing with
your child’s testing ways. The only problem is that this method is neither
effective nor healthy (for either of you). Children don’t only learn skills
that make them more mature and successful in life. They also learn skills
that make them troublesome. Your child has learnt that they can behave
in a way that elicits feelings of anger from you. Your child has learnt that
they have the power to spin you out of control. More importantly your
child is learning that swearing is an “ok” behaviour when angry.
The first thing to do, is to find alternative methods of responding to
your child’s troublesome behaviour. Most children thrive on attention;
it makes them feel important, loved and popular. Young children
favour any behaviour that gets them frequent attention. So a “naughty”
behavior that delivers a swear word is a behaviour worthy to pursue
because it delivered the much-needed attention.
If you feel irritated by your child’s behaviour and believe that they are
doing it deliberately to seek attention in a negative way, it may be best
not to give them the attention they are after. The trick to reduce the
likelihood of the “naughty” behaviour occurring is to withdraw attention
from it. Simply ignore, and ignore all the time. Note here: aggressive,
dangerous, or destructive behaviour, should never be ignored, at any
time.
Some guidelines for ignoring behavior:
• Choose one behaviour that is annoying or irritating, at a time.
• Every time this behaviour occurs, everyone significant to the child,
should ignore the behaviour.
• Avoid eye contact with your child.
• Avoid verbal contact with your child.
• Avoid physical contact with your child.
• Stop ignoring your child, as soon as the undesirable behaviour
stops.
• Expect the behavior to get worse before it gets better.
• Ensure that any behaviour that is unlike the undesirable behaviour is
rewarded.
The other thing to do is get a jar and for every time you swear, put a SR5
coin (or more) in there. It would mean a cost to you, for swearing around
the house. The money should eventually go to another person around
the house (not your child) who has to live in this constant “bombdropping”
environment (given they are not swearing either). Be honest
and pay up each time, that in itself should deter you from running a
potty-mouth (unless you cheat).
Q: Dear Annalisa,
I forgot my best friend’s birthday a few months back – the first time in
23 years! We laughed it off but I get the feeling she is still upset about
it. She ‘forgets’ to invite me to girls’ nights out and a week ago forgot
to tell me she was travelling. This is someone I used to speak to almost
everyday – including the birthday I forgot. I need us to move past this.
What’s step one?
Louise, 39
A: Dear Louise,
To forget your best friend’s birthday, is BIG! And to not forgive a best
friend, for it, that’s BIG too. Now which is bigger, tends to depend on
which side anyone is on.
I’m guessing step one might require a bit of backtracking to as far
back as the day you realised you had forgotten her birthday. Did you
apologise? What did you do then? Moments like these, call for empathy
- putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you have
felt? What would you have liked your friend to do if the situation was
reversed? Bearing in mind, even best friends may have different takes on
the matter.
“IF YOU FAILED TO ACKNOWLEDGE
HER TRUE FEELINGS THE FIRST
TIME ROUND THEN CREATE THE
OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO NOW.”
Sometimes when important things happen between friends, things that
may cause pain, hurt, or disappointment we are eager to “laugh it off”.
The “laugh it off” is sometimes done to make light of a difficult situation;
not knowing how to deal with the situation from both ends; fear of
coming across as selfish or greedy may cause the affected person to
play along; not knowing how to deal with the affected person’s reaction.
These are all possibilities why humor or laughter is sometimes used to
try and remedy an awkward situation.
Now it’s all-good if the affected person is genuine about seeing only
the funny side of the whole situation. If you gather, she’s not really
laughing, then step two would be to talk to her about it. If you failed
to acknowledge her true feeling the first time round then create the
opportunity to do so now. It’s also a moment to share your own true
feelings about the situation and your fear of its consequences on your
friendship.
Step three (optional): throw her a “sorry I forgot your birthday for the
first time in 23 years, please forgive me” party. It can be the simplest
party for two; two cupcakes, one balloon, and a big sorry sign; just be
genuine and do it from the heart. Hopefully it wins her over. All in all, I
wish for this friendship, a lot less forgetting and a lot more forgiving.
Annalisa Labiche is a practicing Clinical Psychologist with over five years experience. She completed her Bachelor of Art (Psychology) degree and Masters in
Psychology in Australia. She gives advice on a multitude of subjects, including relationships, parenting, family issues, psychological disorders, substance misuse
amongst many others.
37 MARCH 2015 | POTPOURRI