The Vine February 2013 - York St Church of Christ

we are under. We can say things like, “I don’t
know how to handle this situation”, “I feel really
disappointed that I couldn’t help you learn that
previously and I’m taking that out on you”, “I feel
stressed about life in general at the moment and
don’t have the energy to be as kind as I want”, “I
am worried that other people will think badly of
you” or “I let you do that because I was tired but I
probably shouldn’t have for your sake long term”.
Sharing our struggles helps young people know
what is going on, and helps them understand our
reactions are not just about them. HOWEVER, and
this is an extremely important point – we must be
careful that we “own” our own struggles with caring
for young people. This is
about our journey and we
need to make that clear. So
when we share what we are
worried/stressed/frustrated
about we should make
sure it is sharing rather than
blaming or lecturing. Our
sharing should not send the
message “see how much
stress you put me under”
or “so therefore you should jolly well be more
considerate”.
3. Once the mistakes have been made, it’s vital
to step back and look at what went wrong and
why. This is so that we can prepare in advance
for difficult times. We all know that there are times
which are going to be harder than others when
interacting with young people. Frankly, I do pretty
pathetic parenting before 7am. When things do
go wrong, it helps us identify times we know are
likely to continue to be difficult. We should be
mentally putting flags on these times – whether it
be last lesson on a certain day, preparing for tea,
late at night, or whenever our willpower and energy
are at their lowest. Once we have identified
those times, we need to be honest about the fact
however good our intentions are. We are likely to
get impatient, give in or do other kind of ineffective
“Teaching/parenting/caring
well is a marathon not a sprint.
Mistakes are part of the process,
and help us care more effectively
for young people than if we
hadn’t made the mistake in the
first place.”
caring at those times. Therefore, we should
consider whether we can change things around so
we are not setting ourselves up for failure at those
times. We could set up guidelines that we simply
don’t do certain things at that time, for example,
we might say we don’t have conversations or
make decisions at that time of day, we might
not deal with behaviour problems until the next
morning, we might have a rule that we eat before
we talk, do low intensity teaching/caring at certain
lessons – or something similar. Of course we need
to make sure we organise alternative times when
we are fresher to do these things rather than just
avoiding them entirely. It is not always possible to
avoid interactions entirely.
but sometimes a bit of
preplanning/having rules
of thumb/policies about
certain times can help.
4. Finally, next time we
should be reminding
ourselves to breathe.
When we know we are
stressed, frustrated or
worried and simply have
to deal with young people – one quick and easy
thing to do is: Breathe deeply before we speak.
The positives in taking a deep breath are more than
an old wive’s tale. When we breathe deeply, we
make physical changes in our brain. We redirect
brain activity away from the “fight/attack/defend”
centres and toward to “careful thought” centres.
This then helps us react more thoughtfully – and in
line with our intentions.
We will all ineffectively deal with young people at
times. Teaching/parenting/caring well is a marathon
not a sprint. Mistakes are part of the process, and
help us care more effectively for young people than
if we hadn’t made the mistake in the first place.
Kirrilie Smout
Used by permission of Kirrilie Smout.
All rights reserved.
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