3 - Varsity

Restaurantp27Issue No 664Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk‘eat it nowand take theconsequences’Toby Young, the authorof How toMake Friendsand AlienatePeople tells ushow hedoes itInterviewp26The night climbers of CambridgeFeaturesp17Th eIndependent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947Three in hospital aftermeningitis outbreak»Two St Catz students and one from Trinity admitted to Addenbrooke’sKatherine FaulknerNews EditorTwo students from St Catharine’sCollege and one student from Trinityhave been admitted to Addenbrooke’sHospital with the life threateningcondition meningococcal septicaemia,also known as meningitis.At noon on Wednesday, theSenior Tutor at St Catharine’s informedstudents that a student hadbeen admitted to Addenbrookeswith suspected meningitis. Aftervarious rumours emerged that furthercases were being investigated,another email, sent on Thursday afternoon,confirmed a second case ofthe disease. Meanwhile, the Trinitystudent body was informed on Fridayevening that a student at theircollege had been found to have theinfection, in what is believed to bean isolated incident.A spokesperson for the Universitysaid: “There have this week beentwo cases of meningococcal septicaemia,one laboratory proven, one aclinical diagnosis awaiting confirmation,at St Catharine’s College.“The College is working closelywith the University and the HealthProtection Agency to investigatelinks between the two cases.” Thespokesperson told Varsity that “peoplein contact with the students inhospital, sharing kitchens with themetc, have been given prophylaxistreatment.” St Catherine’s Collegeauthorities were last night continuingto issue antibiotic treatment toany other students who had been inclose contact with the infected students,who are believed to be a femalefresher and a male student inthe third year.Meningitis can kill within hours ifit remains untreated, and the deathrate in cases of meningococcal septicaemiais approximately 20 percent. The disease can also lead todeafness, blindness, paralysis andthe amputation of limbs. Symptomsinclude a severe headache, a hightemperature, joint and neck stiffness,aversion to light and a rashwhich remains visible under pressurefrom a glass.“She was really tired and felt illafter a lecture,” a friend of the Catzfirst year student told Varsity. “Soshe phoned the doctor, who told herto go and see her. She came back, butdidn’t feel any better, so she wentback to see the doctor. This timethey admitted her to the hospital.”“Luckily, I think they caught itreally early. As far as I know shedidn’t have a rash or anything. Itsounds like she’s going to be ok.”She said that the male student whohad contracted the illness was afriend of the female student.The fresher was one of numerousstudents who have been in closecontact with those infected andwho have been issued prophylaxisby the college nurse.Chris King, the St Catharine’swelfare officer, said: “There’s a lotof college gossip about it. Obviouslythey can’t discuss the individualcases but from what I’ve heard fromthe head porter they do seem to beon top of it. We’ve all been warnedabout what to look out for.”Trinity College also experienced ameningitis scare last week. On Friday,Senior Tutor John Rallison toldstudents: “As you may be aware, astudent from Trinity has been admittedto Addenbrooke´s hospital witha probable meningococcal infection,commonly known as meningitis. Weare taking advice from the PublicHealth Protection Agency and areworking in accordance with the Universityof Cambridge MeningococcalMeningitis Guidelines.”College authorities banned a rugbymatch between St Catherine’sand Trinity which was scheduled totake place yesterday. The Trinityteam was told that “St Catz havejust pulled out of the game today asthey have had a number of cases ofmeningitis in college, and there issome concern that it could spread.Whilst this is fairly unlikely andboth captains were fairly keen toplay, their college nurse and authoritieshave essentially vetoed it.”The University say that thethree students involved are respondingwell to treatment in Addenbrooke’sHospital.St Catz confirmed two cases on Thursday morningLIZZIE ROBINSONKing’s barattackEmma InkesterSenior ReporterA female undergraduate wasrobbed of her handbag and physicallyassaulted within the groundsof King’s College on Monday morning.Eyewitnesses saw a commotionin which the criminal attempted toescape whilst being pursued byporters. A Cambridge resident hasbeen arrested f or the crime.“The attack took place in the areaof the College bar and the assailant,who was almost caught thanks tothe swift action of the porters, escaped.The matter is now subject toa police enquiry,” said Iain Fenlon,Senior Tutor at King’s.Both King’s bar and King’s Alleywere closed off so that forensicofficers could investigate. A policespokesperson told Varsity, “A 20year old man from Cambridge hasbeen arrested for robbery and is incustody at Parkside Police stationfor questioning.”Students have expressed shockthat such an attack has happenedon college property. “We’re in a bitof a general panic at the moment,”a second year King’s undergraduatesaid. “The police were in veryquickly, and as far as I know identitiesare being kept under wraps.”The authorities have responded tothe attack by fitting numerous newlocks in the college.Hugh BurlingThe AbortionAct hasgot togop15Letters 10Comment 14Idler 15Reviews 30The Anorak 37

2 NEWSChief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Templenews@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/newsIn BriefWorking against theclockA study by Cambridge Universityresearchers has found that turningthe clocks back each winterincreases Britain’s greenhousegas emissions and adds millions ofpounds to power bills. ElizabethGarnsey of the University’s Institutefor manufacturing, who authoredthe report, explained that35 per cent of the population areasleep when thesun rises inwinter andthereforemake nouse ofthe extradaylight.Shealso saidthat thed a r k e re v e n i n g scause domesticconsumersto use 2 per centmore electricity, generating millionsof tons of carbon dioxide.Dora St JohnHack attack on SRCFCambridge University’s student runComputing Facility was the victimof hackers on Monday. The SRCF’sserver hosts the websites of mostof the University’s student societiesand also provides personal web spacefor students. The attack resulted inhundreds of such sites being inaccessibleuntil Wednesday. KristianGlass, an administrator for SRCF,explained that the attacker had managedto obtain the passwords of all ofthe SRCF accounts. Fortunately thevolunteers who run SRCF were ableto rebuild the server quickly. “Webelieve nearly all user data to be intact,”said Glass.Karl Zammit-MaempelMan arrested for knifepossession outside FezA fight outside Fez nightclub endedin arrests this week after it emergedthat one of the participants was inpossession of a knife. A spokespersonfor Cambridge police said: “Analtercation took place outside theFez Nightclub at around 2am onWednesday. One 25 year old manwas arrested and bailed after beingcharged with the possession of an offensiveweapon”. The incident comesjust over a week after two stabbingsin Market Square left an 18 and a19 year old in a critical condition inAddenbrookes Hospital. Chief CambridgeshireConstable Julie Spencehas called for an extra £17.4 millionin funding for the county’s policeforce, which was declared to be failingon “front-line policing” in thisyear’s Home Office review.Jen Ledger-Lomas52 Trumpington StreetCambridge CB2 1RGFREE CHELSEA BUNWith every purchase over £2.00 in the shopORFREE MORNINGCOFFEE/TEA(9am-12pm)With any cake or pastry in the restauranton presentation of this voucherand proof of student statusScientists discover Big Bang relic» ‘Cold spot’ could help to prove that the universe has always existedHannah Price &Charlotte StrandvistProfessor Neil Turok addresses Cambridge University’s Scientific SocietyScientists from Cambridge Universityand Spain’s Institute of Physicsof Cantabria may have discovered acosmic defect that is a remnant fromthe Big Bang. The discovery couldprovide a remarkable insight intohow our universe evolved.The phenomenon is an unexplainedcold spot in the cosmic microwavebackground radiation that fills ouruniverse as an after-glow from theBig Bang. Scientists have now suggestedthat this particular spot maybe a defect in the vacuum of space,produced as the universe cooled afterthe Big Bang.Professor Neil Turok of the Departmentfor Applied Mathematicsand Theoretical Physics, who firstpredicted the existence of such defectsin the 1990s, told Varsity thatthe research may be able to help usanswer the question of where theuniverse came from. He denies thatthe universe came solely from theBig Bang. “If you start with nothing,you get nothing. A much more logicalapproach is that there has alwaysbeen a universe.”Addressing Cambridge UniversityScientific Society on Wednesday,Turok said he supported a cyclicmodel of the universe which “allowsviolent phenomena to take place thatlook like Big Bangs” but where theuniverse has always existed in someform. His ideas rely on a “technicallycomplicated but conceptually verysimple” theory called “M theory”,involving extra dimensions and anintricate structure of space. Verificationof the cold spot as a cosmic defectwould provide vital support forTurok’s theory as it would represent“a very powerful clue as to how Mtheory does fit nature”.Turok argues the most importantstep now is for the cold spot’s authenticityto be confirmed. “The defecttheory is very testable, but currentlyexperiments are not sensitiveenough to verify that this cold spotis definitely a defect.” He is cautiousDEBBIE SCANLANStudents celebrate Halloween in styleCambridge students get their gladrags on for a night of Halloweenmadness in some of the city’s favourite hauntsabout the chances of the defect beinggenuine because scientists have inthe past made false detections in similarareas. “If you ask a top theoreticalphysicist, ‘Have you ever made aprediction that was correct?’ 99.9 percent haven’t.”But he emphasises that this coldspot’s unusually large size increasesthe likelihood of it being a genuinecosmic defect. “If it’s true, I will getthe Nobel Prize. If not, at least I willAlex GlasnerCambridge University hasperformed badly in a nationwidequiz by NME music magazinepurporting to show which Britishuniversity has the most intelligentstudents.Cambridge came in eighteenthin the national ranking, whichfeatured questions ranging from“How many million Jaffa cakesare eaten per year?” and “Howmany languages are spoken in theworld?” to “What were Blur originallycalled?”King’s College London camefirst in the rankings, followed bya number of other institutionswithin the University of London.Oxford, however, came near thebottom, in 113 th place.There has been widespreadshock amongst Cambridge studentsat the result, and even accusationsthat the test was notfair. “General knowledge is not afair measure of intelligence,” saidSuzie Chidlaw, a student at GirtonCollege.Laura Leegood, another currentCambridge student, was alsoindignant about the result. “I amnot stupid,” she told Varsity. “Testme on philosophy, and I wouldn’tdo badly.”However, while Cambridge mayhold the cutting edge in many specialisedfields, it appears that itsstudents have less of an advantagewhen it comes to awareness ofTIM JOHNSbe encouraging the experimentalists,”he told the Scientific Society.Professor Turok apparently has abet on with Stephen Hawking aboutthe origin of the universe and whetherthe European Space Agency’sPlanck spacecraft will detect gravitationalwaves, which are ripples in thefabric of space-time. Turok is bettingthey will not while Hawking is bettingthat they will, in support of thestandard Big Bang model.Cambridge students‘not the brightest’popular culture. There were manystudents who had never heard ofNME, let alone the test.King’s College London was ecstaticwith the result. “Cambridgehas had its day,” said Qamar Hussein,who studies at the winninguniversity.“All the people Iknow could beat anyOxbridge student atany subject any day”“The courses are more competitivein London, where employeeswould rather scout for jobs. Allthe people I know could beat anyOxbridge student at any subjectany day.” He added: “London ismore chilled out; we don’t need towork as hard.”One Cambridge student saidthat a small town “with absolutelynothing going on in it could noteven try to compete in a test aboutpop culture”.However, another reacted morepositively to the result, pointingout: “At least Cambridge beat Oxfordin the test.”The NME editor blamed the“Cambridge bubble” for the University’sunderwhelming results.

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/newsGot a news story?01223 337575NEWS3Peterhouse May Ball cancelled» Student outrage as dons vote to turn white tie ball into a triennial event» Room ballot changed to reward academic achievement after examination disappointmentCamilla TempleChief News EditorPeterhouse’s May Ball for 2008 hasbeen cancelled in a move by the college’sGoverning Body to addresspoor performance in exams.Fellows confirmed last week thatthe ball will now be held once everythree years instead of once every twoyears. This is in addition to changesin the room allocation system whichis now based on academic achievementrather than random allocation.The decisions come soon after Peterhousewas ranked as one of the poorestperforming colleges in this year’sTompkins Table.The JCR president, Ben Fisher,defended the college authorities,explaining that this measure “wasnot designed to punish students,but rather to reduce distractions“They should besupporting students,not punishing them”for whoever would be on the MayBall committee during Lent andEaster Term.”“Peterhouse is the smallest collegewith only 250 undergraduates, and acommittee of 13 constitutes a good5% of that population - if the examresults of all these people were tosuffer because of a ball, as has happenedin previous years, then thatwould be a big blow to the college’soverall academic performance.” Headded that the three-yearly cyclehas also been introduced in order“to lessen the impact on the collegefinancially, as well as to reduce generaldisruption.” The President ofthe May Ball Committee, Kate Mason,was unable to comment.A group campaigning againstthe cancellation of the ball hascomplained that “we all resent themanner in which this issue has beenconducted. The student body wasleft in the dark, with no attempts toconfirm or dispel the many rumourssurrounding the issue. Only whenprompted did the JCR Presidentissue a statement regarding thesituation. It seems that the JCR isdoing little to represent our viewson this matter.”Katherine Sirrell, a second yearundergraduate at Peterhouse, said:“It’s a complete over-reaction and reallyunfair. The way they’ve done ithas created a bad atmosphere in thecollege; the fellows talk down to usrather than communicating. It’s fairto want to bring up grades but thereare better ways of doing it. Theyshould be supporting students, notpunishing them.”A member of the May Ball Committeeexplained that studentswere feeling angry because of the“fundamental divide and completelack of communication betweenstudents and fellows.” He added:“It is very hard to get through tothe fellows. The fact is that Peterhousehas been doing badly in theTompkins Table for over ten yearsand the fellows are simply lookingfor any source of the problem thatdoes not lie with them; they havescapegoated the May Ball.”“They have been stonewallingus; the student body is not feelingpositive. The fellows have collectivelyeroded respect for theteaching fellowship.”Another undergraduate said: “Thecancellation of the May Ball is reallya culmination of an apparent ‘planof action’ that the fellows have beenemploying in a seemingly underhandmanner. This has left the studentsfeeling utterly insulted, demoralisedand despondent; hardly a good wayto improve our productivity.” Despiterepeated attempts to contactcollege authorities, no Peterhouse officialwas prepared to comment.Highlighting the communicationgap between fellows and students,two separate undergraduates referredto the changes in the roomballot system that were broughtabout at the start of this term. Onecommented that “the fellows haven’tcommunicated anything to us as undergraduates,and seem to be goingbehind our backs on a lot of things atthe moment, for example the illegalchange in the room ballot system.”The JCR president explained inan email to undergraduates that heThe Peterhouse May Ball in 2006 was a great successJET PHOTOGRAPHICwas forced by the Governing Bodyto change the system with the resultthat it is now based primarilyon academic achievement. In hisemail of September 14, Fisher explained:“The Governing Body believethe main cause of the problemis an indifferent attitude amongstundergraduates towards academicwork. One of the ways in whichthey wish to amend this is throughmodification of the room allocationprocedure. The Constitution of theSexcentenary Club [the PeterhouseJCR committee] is supposed to besubmitted to the Governing Body ofPeterhouse for review at intervalsof not more than five years; it is alreadyoverdue. The Governing Bodytherefore has the ability to rejectthe Constitution at its next meeting,which would leave the SexcentenaryClub without power.”Fisher was given two options by theGoverning Body: to either “changethe constitution as they dictate sothat the room allocation procedure isamended (but still takes into accountnon-academic achievements)”, or “toleave the Constitution unaltered, sothat it is rejected by the GoverningBody at their next meeting, leavingroom allocation in the hands of theBursar, who would allocate rooms insuch a way that the ballot was basedsolely on academic achievement.”Fisher reported that he had chosento alter the constitution himself: “Ifully accept that for me to change theConstitution without the approval ofa quorate Open Meeting is illegal, butin the face of the Governing Body’sultimatum I feel I have no choice.”Minutes from the JCR meetingheld on September 30, in which theroom allocation issue was discussed,record that: “The entire Committeebecame somewhat agitated.Two members felt that the GoverningBody had dealt with The RoomPoints Situation [sic] unfairly; itwas generally agreed that whatthe Committee objected to wasthe manner in which the GoverningBody appeared to have merrilysteam-rollered the JCR’s supposedauthority in matters concerning juniormembers of college, rather thanthe proposed changes themselves.”Mr Grigson, the Senior Bursar atPeterhouse, refused to comment.Council shuts down Starbucks after fly infestationKatherine FaulknerChief News EditorStarbucks in Market Square hasbeen closed after customers discoveredan infestation of fruit flieson the premises.A customer reportedly noticed“several hundred” of the insectsnear the food and on menus andwalls, prompting her to alert environmentalofficers from the CambridgeCity Council.“We took the decision to temporarilyclose the Cambridge MarketStreet store to resolve a problemwith fruit flies,” confirmed aspokesperson from Starbucks CoffeeCompany.“The store is currently undergoingremedial work including adeep clean, internal painting anda rearrangement of the back ofhouse area. Starbucks would liketo apologise to customers for anyinconvenience this may cause, andwe hope to open the store as soonas possible.”The closure comes a week aftera Varsity investigation revealedwide divergences in the hygienestandards upheld by Cambridgefood outlets. Starbucks was grantedthree stars in recent council inspections.A spokesperson for CambridgeCity Council said, “The EnvironmentalServices Division of CambridgeCity Council received anenquiry from a member of thepublic regarding Starbucks Cafein Market Street, Cambridge.Following site visits by EnvironmentalHealth Officers from thecouncil, Starbucks have agreed totemporarily close the premises. Atthis point in time the council is undertakingan investigation.”James Wingad, a regular Starbuckscustomer from St John’s College,said he was “absolutely devastated”by this. “I spend my life inthere,” he told Varsity. “It’s left meentirely without anything to do.“However, they were terriblygenerous in giving out free bagsof coffee as an apology on the firstday that they closed down. I willprobably be using it despite newsof the infestation. I’ll be addingboiling water to it so it’s unlikelyto do me much harm.”The outlet is expected to beclosed for a week while the investigationtakes place.A customer complained after discovering hundreds of insectsRICHARD WEST

4 NEWSChief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Templenews@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/newsStudents demand divestment from SudanKatherine FaulknerChief News EditorThirty Cambridge students protestedoutside the Sudanese Financeand Investment Conferencein London on Tuesday, claimingthat British investment in oil companiesis indirectly funding theconflict in Darfur.Sudan Divestment UK, an organizationset up by Cambridge students,aims to convince companieswhich they believe to be providingthe Government of Sudan with revenue,arms or diplomatic cover toinvest elsewhere. They claim that“foreign investment, particularly inthe oil sector, is central to the Governmentof Sudan’s ability to fundmilitias and therefore perpetuategenocide in Darfur”.Despite a last minute reschedulingand change of venue, SDUKmanaged to fill a minibus with Cambridgestudents armed with banners,placards and a megaphone.“The media interest in the conference,which has been generated bySDUK, cannot have made organisationeasy for what was meant tobe an under the radar conference,”said Arjun Chandna, a finalist atCaius and member of SDUK. “Theycouldn’t ignore our presence.”Conference participants were unwillingto engage with the protestors.When one SDUK member addressedthe conference on the ethicsof investment in Sudanese oil, an attendeereplied, “I don’t believe thereis such a thing as ethical policy”.Labour MP Martin Salter attendedthe event and extended his supportfor the issue by being photographedwith protesters. Salter hadpreviously signed the Early DayMotion 1338, in which MPs voicedtheir support for the implementationof the UN peacekeeping forceby the 31 st of December 2007.“The protest was a success,” saidChandna. “We ensured that theconference did not go unnoticedand was associated with a lot ofnegative publicity. It would havebeen a disgrace if a conferencepromoting investment into the Sudaneseoil sector had been allowedto progress seamlessly, despite theUK parliament advising againstany such investments until Sudanhad upheld the ComprehensivePeace Agreement.”Hamish Falconer, John’s finalistand Director of SDUK, agreed.“People were obviously angry aboutthe conference, and more protestorsthan delegates actually turned up.Our next aim is to encourage theUniversity to divest itself of sharesin these companies, which would bean important symbolic gesture.”Students protesting outside the Sudanese Finance and Investment ConferenceKARL ZAMMIT-MAEMPELOxbridge access targetsare ‘unachievable’Decca MuldowneyThe head of an Oxford college hasstated that Oxbridge will miss itstargets for admissions and applicationsfrom state schools “for theforeseeable future”.Alan Ryan, Warden of New College,Oxford, argued last week thatboth universities were “foolish” tothink they could achieve targetsset in 2006, when Oxford pledgedto increase applicants and Cambridgeto increase admissions fromstate schools.His comments follow suggestionsby the Universities Secretary JohnDenham last month that the “mostsought-after” universities werebiased against those from lowersocial backgrounds, resulting in “ahuge waste of talent”.The University disagreed withRyan’s analysis, claiming: “It is byno means a foregone conclusion thatthe University will miss these milestones.”A spokesman stressed thatthe University is “committed to ensuringthat it is accessible to youngpeople of the highest intellectual potentialwhatever their background”.However, figures publishedearlier this year showed that theproportion of new undergraduatesfrom the lowest social classes felllast year at both universities. Accordingto figures from the HigherEducation Statistics Agency, just57.9 per cent of students at Cambridgeare from state schools, whilethe figure for Oxford was only 53.7per cent last year.Ryan called Denham’s accusations“silly”, arguing that Oxbridgespend a great deal of money sendingambassadors to state schools andorganising summer schools.CUSU access officer CharlotteRicher supported this view. Shetold Varsity that Cambridge spendsin excess of £3m a year on outreachwork. “The level of criticism aimedat Oxford and Cambridge is hugelyfrustrating to those of us who devoteconsiderable amounts of timeto breaking down misperceptions,”she said.“In the media, it quickly becomesa blame game, with the University,the government and the schools inturn becoming victims or victimisers.The truth is probably somewhere inthe middle: the University does needto continue to do more, but can onlyachieve so much within the limits ofthe wider education system.”Cambridge University TM Society presentsThe David Lynch Lecture“Consciousness-Based Education: For Stress-freeSchools and Academic Excellence”Guest Speaker: Dr Ashley Deans, head teacherof the award-winning Invincible School usingTranscendental Meditation to develop students’full brain potential.Gonville and Caius College,Senior Parlour, Thursday 8th October11:30am – 2:30pm. Light lunch provided.Booking advisable: patrice.gladwin@ntlworld.com01223 570873 No conference fee“My Peak challenge: to give every studenttotal consciousness, a coherent brain.”www.DavidLynchFoundation.org

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/newsGot a news story?01223 337575NEWS5Sidney Sussex bursary fundmanager embezzled £56,000»First known case of major theft by a senior member of staff in the University’s historyKaty LeeChief News EditorA former employee of Sidney SussexCollege has been given a suspended12 month jail sentence afterstealing more than £56,000 from thecollege. Robert Page, the college’sformer bursary manager, was foundguilty of one charge of theft andnine of false accounting at CambridgeCrown Court last Friday.In 2001 Page began to removemoney from the college’s bank account.He would replace the sumsusing cheques payable to SidneySussex by other Cambridge colleges,local businesses and CambridgeCity Council to repay sumshe had taken from the college’sbank account. On several timesbetween 2005 and 2006 Page stolecash directly from college bar takings.The court heard that he hadbeen moved to steal from his employerafter accumulating largecredit card debts due to extensiverenovation work on his house.“Sidney Sussex College discoveredhe was stealing from the barproceeds last year, when they noticeda discrepancy in the collegebank account,” said DetectiveConstable Peter Savage, headof the Counter Fraud InvestigationDivision at Cambridgeshirepolice. The college carried out aninternal investigation in May 2006and Page admitted to the theft.He was dismissed from his postand the case was handed over tothe police.“The college did not realise thefull extent of the fraud up untilthis point,” said Detective ConstableSavage. “It was only duringthe year long police investigationthat the cheque replacementscheme, which he had used a lotmore, was discovered and the collegebecame aware that a lot morehad been stolen than they initiallythought.” Page has since used hispension to pay back £34,000, butthe college believes that £22,614remains outstanding.Sara Walker, prosecuting, saidPage’s crimes had remained unnoticedby the college for five yearsSidney Sussex has not yet fully recovered the moneybecause of his seniority. But DrGeorge Reid, Acting Bursar ofSidney Sussex, said: “The difficultyin discovering Mr Page’s theftwas the result of his position,rather than his seniority. He wasa trusted employee of the Collegeof very long standing who seriouslyabused that trust.”Dr Reid told Varsity that thecollege has modified its financialsystem to ensure that large scaletheft by employees does not happenagain. “The College has madea number of changes of procedureafter consultation with its auditors,which should serve to preventa similar incident in the future,”he said.In court, Page pleaded guiltyto one charge of theft and nine offalse accounting. He also asked for38 other charges linked to the caseto be taken into account. In additionto a 12 month prison term,which has been suspended for 18months due to concerns over thecare of his wife, Page has beenordered to carry out 120 hours ofunpaid work.Melanie Benn, defending, arguedthat Page’s grief after thedeath of his nephew and the illnessof his wife and mother should betaken into account. “He has showna great deal of remorse over whathas happened. He didn’t believethere were any victims, but thecollege is a victim.” Before histhefts were discovered, Page hadamended his will to include the donationof his house to the college.But he believes this bequest mayno longer be appropriate.Judge Jonathan Haworth toldPage, “I have no doubt you feelthe utmost shame. It is a big fallfor someone who was as respectedas you were in the college.”Page had been working at SidneySussex College for more than 40years. He joined the college as apart time waiter in 1961 whilestudying for a business qualificationat Anglia Polytechnic, nowAnglia Ruskin University.He acquired a full time job atChurchill College after graduatingbut continued to work as awaiter at Sidney, and left Churchillfor good in 1974 after he was offereda position as steward’s clerkin Sidney’s college office. The lastpost he held was that of bursarymanager, a managerial post underthat of Bursar.Page considered himself a popularmember of college staff. In aninterview with Sidney’s collegemagazine ElSid in 2005, he said,“I still get letters from all overthe world. Daughters and sons offormer students drop in to see mewhen they come back as studentsor visit Cambridge.” He was alsoan active member of the communityin his home village of Longstantonand had been trusted withDYLAN SPENCER-DAVIDSONthe management of funds as treasurerof the Longstanton Sportsand Social Club.Detective Constable Savagetold Varsity that this is the firsttime to his knowledge that a majorcase of theft by a member ofstaff has occurred within CambridgeUniversity.Oxbridge ‘indoctrinates our future leaders’Angela FanshaweBritish forces are “overstretched”in Iraq and Afghanistan because thegovernment is suffering from imperialisticdelusions of grandeur, the historianCorrelli Barnett has claimed.Addressing an audience atChurchill College last Thursday ata seminar to celebrate his eightiethbirthday, Barnett, a Churchillfellow and outspoken critic of thewar in Iraq, said that Britain’s politicalelite still mistakenly regardtheir country as a world power. Headded that this view was a relic ofthe days of the British Empire andhas remained “the besetting sin ofBritish total strategy right up tothe present day”.“At the present time, the Britisharmy and its air support arejust too small to fight simultaneouslarge-scale guerrilla wars in Iraqand Afghanistan,” argued Barnett,calling the invasions “a case of trueoverstretch. It is why our commitmentin Iraq is being gradually cutback – simply to enable us to concentrateour limited strength onAfghanistan.”Barnett went on to the question ofwhy Britain has retained such “foliede grandeur” in post-war times. Hesuggested that the elite of today followedin the mindset of the 1950s elite,who “remained prisoners of their indoctrinationat public school and Oxbridge”and were “programmed tobe house prefects to the world”.He drew comparisons betweencurrent British leadership andSir Anthony Eden, Prime Ministerduring the Suez Crisis of 1956.Quoting Eden as saying in 1952that “our worldwide commitmentsare inescapable”, he went on toargue that “Gordon Brown andDavid Cameron would probablysay the same today. Tony Blair certainlydid.”The public seminar, entitled“Overstretched? The making andimpact of the UK’s defence reviewssince 1957”, was attended bysenior military and governmentalfigures, including the British Army’sformer chief of general staff,General Sir Mike Jackson.Sir John Nott, the former ConservativeDefence Secretary whoalso spoke at the seminar, was incomplete agreement with the historian.He described British forcesas “doing far too much”.But Dr Piers Brendon, a historyfellow at Churchill, told Varsity: “Idon’t subscribe to the notion thatthe political elite is a prisoner of itspublic school and Oxbridge ‘indoctrination’;it is too simplistic.“I do admire the sustained andcourageous way in which CorrelliBarnett opposed Tony Blair’s disastrouspolicy over Iraq.”Dr Martin Stephen, High Masterof St. Paul’s School, has commented,“It is quite extraordinary thatBarnett sees independent schoolsand Oxbridge as ‘indoctrinating’their students. Can he reallybe talking about the schools thatproduced George Orwell, ClementAttlee and Anthony WedgewoodBenn, and thousands uponthousands of other independentlyminded people?”He was otherwise full of praise forCorrelli Barnett, describing him as“a superb interpreter of the past”and “one of the most stimulating historiansthis country has produced.”Concluding his address, Barnettsaid that he had not had time todiscuss the current British Tridentnuclear missile system. But he didremark that the programme was“the supreme example of overstretchstemming from ‘folie degrandeur’.”

6 NEWSChief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Templenews@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/newsObituaryThe Rev Professor Charles Moule» Life fellow of Clare whose original work on the New Testament sparked vigorous debateGraham StantonEmeritus Lady Margaret Professorof DivinityWho has had the most influence onyour life, family excepted? For me,the answer is easy: the Rev ProfessorCFD Moule who died on 30September, just a couple of monthsshort of his 99th birthday.In 1964 I had to find someone tosupervise my PhD thesis, as furtherstudies in my field were notthen possible in New Zealand. Isought the advice of the only NewZealander I knew in Cambridge.He confirmed that ProfessorCharlie Moule was an outstandingscholar: a gentle, kind and genuinelyhumble person who was heldin the highest regard by everyonewho knew him. I soon began to passon similar comments to others whowanted to know what it was like towork under Charlie Moule’s guidance.He encouraged us to developour immature and not very wellinformed insights. His PhD studentsregularly came away fromsupervisions warmly encouraged.Throughout our careers he took akindly interest in our research andteaching. When we sent him a copyof our books or articles, he alwaysread them carefully and sent backcomments and suggestions.In 1951 he was appointed to theLady Margaret’s Professorship ofDivinity. At that time he hadn’tcompleted a single book. The electorsgambled on promise, and theirjudgement was soon vindicated bythe appearance of An Idiom-Bookof New Testament Greek, in whichhe explored the distinctive featuresof the Greek of the New Testamentwriters. This remarkable book is stillin print 55 years later.Charlie Moule became Deanof Clare College and a Universityassistant lecturer in 1944. Hesometimes spoke about the austerityof the early post-war years,quickly adding that life in Collegewas “disgracefully luxurious” incomparison with hardships facedby others. As soon as the ClareFellows’ Garden was restored hewalked there very early everymorning and said his prayers. Heplayed a major role in the translationof the New English Bible.Professor Moule was a Fellow ofClare for 32 years, and then a LifeFellow. He took a keen interest inall aspects of College life. Even inhis 90s he sometimes commented onGoverning Body minutes and gentlypointed out stylistic infelicities. Hewelcomed Clare students to weeklyevening discussions and on that basisfirm friendships were built whichlasted for many decades.Charlie Moule is known and respectedfor two themes that emergedRev Professor Charles Moulefrom his concern with the precise exegesisand interpretation of the NewTestament writings. He insisted thatthe New Testament does not seejudgement and punishment as retribution,but as restoration. His viewssparked off lively discussion in a widerange of groups concerned with criminaljustice. Forgiveness and Reconciliation,the title of his final book,published on his 90th birthday, sumsup this concern. In contrast to someof the fashions of the day, he insistedthat the Gospels provide us withsharply drawn portraits of Jesus ofNazareth which are at the very heartof Christian faith. While ‘history’ cannotcompel faith, it is the solid foundationon which faith rests.Many honours were showereddown on this self-effacing scholar. AFBA in 1966, he became Presidentof the International Society of NewTestament scholars in 1967-68. Hereceived honorary D.D.s from StAndrews and Cambridge, and wasmade CBE in 1985.He was equally at home with thegreat and the good as with Collegestaff and folk in the village nearEastbourne to which he retired.He preached regularly in his parishchurch until well into his 90s. He retainedhis puckish sense of humoureven when weighed down by physicalweakness and frustrating deafness.In his 95th year I offered tomow his lawns. He declined my offer,insisting that he was deeply attachedto his “Tony Blair motorisedzimmer frame”.Charlie Moule did not write theblockbusters which seem to dominatehis field today. Perhaps hispersonal legacy of genuine humilityand courtesy will outlast even hisfinest publications. Generations ofscholars and students have cause tobe thankful for what may turn outto be his finest achievement: thethousands of letters of encouragementin his distinctive hand he sentall over the world.A memorial service will be held inGreat St Mary’s University Churchon Saturday February 9 at 2pm.New Editor?Applications are now open forpositions on the Varsity editorialteam for Lent Term 2008Could you take control?Info and applications formsfrom business@varsity.co.ukTheIndependent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947Application deadline:November 16th, 5pm

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/newsGot a news story?01223 337575NEWS7Prodigious classicist wins prestigious prizeClare SouthworthA Cambridge student who has collectedover 2,700 classical books hasbeen awarded first prize in a prestigiousinternational book-collectingchampionship in Seattle.David Butterfield, a first yearClassics PhD student at Christ’sCollege, was awarded $2,500 bythe Fine Books and Collectionsmagazine for use in furthering hiscollection. Butterfield entered 100volumes from his library, groupedunder the heading “Landmarks ofClassical Scholarship”. His maincollection, which began as a workinglibrary, is actually far wider inscope, covering many aspects ofGreek and Latin literature.Dr Kelvin Bowkett, Senior Tutorof Christ’s, described David’s awardas “a remarkable achievement” andstated that the college was “delightedto hear of it”. Butterfieldqualified for the competition afterwinning Cambridge University’sinaugural Rose Book-CollectingPrize earlier this year. Peter Fox,University Librarian, describedthe international victory as “theperfect end to the first year of theCambridge competition”.“I wasn’t sure that I’d win theRose Prize, since my collection isn’treally that fashionable,” said Butterfield,who began collecting booksin his first year at Cambridge. “Inmy first two years I bought around1000 books a year, so towards threea day.” He is a regular visitor toCambridge’s second-hand bookshops,although he finds many ofhis best purchases online. One ofhis most valuable acquisitions fromthe sixteenth century had beenbought from “an eBay seller whosold mainly electric toasters”.His second Aldine edition of Lucretius,from 1515, is believed tohave been owned by Cardinal DomenicoPassionei, one of the mostfamous book thieves of all time.According to Butterfield, he oftenreturned from research trips tomonastery libraries “considerablyplumper in appearance, or havingstealthily thrown books out of thewindow to an auxiliary servant.”Butterfield spent his $2,500 prizethe next day at the Seattle BookFair, where he acquired a 1514 foliocommentary on Lucretius. Thisis now the oldest book in his collection.But he refused to part with hiswinnings easily, managing to negotiate$1,500 off the asking price. “Itook the seller out for a few drinksthe night before,” he admitted. “Ialways barter.”The first book he has co-edited,the Penguin Latin Dictionary, waspublished this month. Next year hewill take up a research fellowship atChrist’s.King’sComrade, join us!Our spy has heard of a group – nay,a cult – of wicked nymphs and chapsfrom King’s College who have beenindulging in carnal delights of themost perverse kind these last fewTuesdays. Referring to themselvesas “Fags and Hags”, the secret circlehas taken to prowling around Club22’s gay night each week in searchof fresh prey. Each affiliate, maleor female, is tasked with seducing alusty youth and coaxing them backto King’s, where said youth discoverswith horror that they are not toengage in intimate pleasures withtheir partner of choice but to join, inthe true socialist tradition of the college,in a communal sex binge in theshabby milieu of a student’s abode.Peaches Geldof doesn’t know whatshe’s missing.TrinityGolden handshakeA cheery pink-cheeked charmer (or,some would say, an obese nymphomaniac)was handsomely rewardedfor his trouble when he received anunexpected pleasure one fine autumnaldawn. The night before, whileenjoying a merry swapping party, hisfemale companion strayed from thepath of sobriety. Upon waking up inthe morning, the hand of our cheeryhero, on its way to who knows where,collided with something suspiciouslysodden and recoiled in horror. Buthis horror was not to last long as thesensuous blonde flushed with a beauteousembarrassment at her goldenshower and begun to peel off his boxers.Determined to make up for herbaptismal behaviour, she began togladden the heart and other anatomicalparts of her host with her elegantglottal skills. While putting his stinkybed-sheets in the wash, he felt not ajot of resentment.St CatzAn alarming encounterA ditzy DJ has been evicted from hislodgings following a violent encounterwith a fire alarm. The rhythmicbopper, for unknown reasons imagininghis own room to be the only onelaboured by the chimes of ill omen,proceeded to hack viciously at whathe perceived to be the source of disturbance,in the process managingto destroy a hitherto highly effectivecollege alarm system. Needlessto say, the college authorities did nottake kindly to his pacifist efforts.Whentrading energycalls on allyour naturalresources.Trading energy is dynamic and complex. New sources of energy,unpredictable weather, growing consumption and market reactionall affect price movements.If you think you’ve got the energy to trade, come and find out forreal. We’re holding presentations where you can take part in ourtrading game, meet traders and discover more about a careerwith BP.Presentation and trading game: Garden House Hotel, GrantaPlace, Mill Lane. Wednesday 7th November at 5pm and at 6.30pm.bp.com/ukgraduates®

WHAT DO YOU WANTTO DO NEXT?CMYCMMYCYCMYKBain & Company is one of the world’sleading strategy consulting firms, ranked1st in the Financial Times Best Workplacesin the UK, and Best Firm to Work for byConsulting Magazine.We work with top management teams totackle their key issues and generate lastingfinancial impact. Our clients include someof the most successful global companiesand private equity firms.We look for exceptional graduates andpost-graduates from any degree disciplinewho demonstrate strong analytical skills,initiative, leadership and teamwork.Bain & Company at Cambridge UniversityThursday 8th NovemberWe would be delighted to meet you at any of the following Bain events, pleasepre-register via the Cambridge University page at www.joinbainlondon.com‘What is Strategy Consulting?’with Cambridge FuturesRamsden Room, St Catharine's College: 12.30 - 2.30pmAn interactive lunchtime case study workshop: a brief presentationon strategy consulting followed by a case study showing you thetype of work we do, and what you might expect in a consultinginterview. We will finish with an informal Q&A over lunch.Note: Event registration is via www.cambridgefutures.com‘The Art of Consulting’ – How arts students canbe great consultantsOld Library, Emmanuel College: 12.30 - 2.00pmWe look for exceptional graduates from all degree disciplines -recent joiners have studied English, History, Law, Languages &Geography. If you are unsure what Strategy Consulting really is andwhether it’s the right first step for you, come and meet us to hear ashort presentation and ask any questions.Drop-in session: PhDs and PostgraduatestudentsOld Library, Emmanuel College: Drop in anytimebetween 3.00 – 5.00pmWe hire postgraduates from all degree disciplines, and believe thatBain is an excellent place for PhD students to start their career. Weoffer world-class training and development opportunities, withpromotion based on performance not tenure. Meet ourpostgraduate team and find out why they made the transition fromacademia to business and what their experience has been to date.Drop-in session: Economists(in association with the Marshall Society)Ramsden Room, St Catharine's College: Drop in anytimebetween 3.00 - 4.30pmCome and meet our team (including former Economists) overcoffee. We will be happy to tell you about how our work withcorporate and private equity clients and unique entrepreneurialculture makes Bain such a great place to work.Drop-in session: Scientists & EngineersRamsden Room, St Catharine's College: Drop in anytimebetween 4.30 – 6.00pmBain focuses on generating tangible results for its clients. Solidanalysis underpins any successful Bain project. We believe that, asscientists or engineers, your strong analytical skills will help you tobecome a great consultant. Our team will be happy to answer yourquestions.Presentation & Case Study EveningThe University Arms Hotel, Regent Street 7.00pmOur main presentation will give you the chance to find out moreabout Bain & Company. We will run through an interactive casestudy during the session to give an insight into the work we do andthe skills we are looking for. You’ll also meet our people and havethe opportunity to network over drinks with Bain staff of all levels,where you can ask any questions and get to know more about ourfirm. Everyone attending will receive a DVD guide to case studyinterviews.Application deadline 19th Novemberwww.joinbainlondon.com

10 EDITORIAL&LETTERSSomething to say?letters@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/newsLetters to the editorletters@varsity.co.ukEstablished in 1947Issue No 664Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RFTelephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949A trivial distractionThe Peterhouse May ball has been called off because a largenumber of students have been underperforming in examinations.It is hardly surprising that the students of Peterhouseare cheesed off. The line that the college has taken is patronisingin the extreme; the students of Peterhouse are effectivelybeing told that they are not responsible adults, that they areunable to put their priorities in order by themselves, and thatthey are unable to strike the balance between the academicand the extracurricular. If the college wants to improve itsexam statistics, the logical line to take would be the completeabolition of the Peterhouse May Ball. And the John’s May Ball.And the ADC, and student journalism. Sod it, who needs interestsoutside their degree? We’d all do far better at Tripos ifwe weren’t surrounded by trivial distractions intent on keepingus from our spiritual homes in the North Front of the UL.If Peterhouse is trying to remedy poor exam results, turningthe May ball into a triennial event is a nonsensical way of doingso. After the initial burst of outrage, (and the apathy of a JCRseemingly incapable of standing up to college authorities,) studentsmay forget that there ever was a biennial ball. Slightlyfewer students might underperform in Tripos, and Peterhousewill, perhaps, begin to ascend the rungs of the Tompkins Table.But there is a fundamental flaw in the measures taken bythe college to improve academic performance.The May ball has essentially been cancelled so that a lower percentageof Peterhouse students find their exam results suffering.The problem is being viewed as one of percentages, not of theacademic welfare of individual students. But even if the college asa whole ends up with more firsts to its name, those who do end upon the May ball committee, once every three years, are still likelyto perform significantly worse in Tripos than they would otherwisehave done. College results may be up, but on an individuallevel the ball will take the same toll as ever.We don’t all come here just to get a degree. There are a vastnumber of opportunities on offer, and while many of them aretied indissolubly to the academic life of Cambridge, some findtheir outlets far beyond the faculties, libraries and professorsof the University. The Cambridge drama and classical musicscenes are vibrant and challenging, and Cambridge is producingnot just the academics, but the writers, actors, musicians,and events organisers of the future. Mark Fletcher will probablyfind his various presidencies (Jesus May Ball Presidentincluded) far more formative in terms of his future career thanhis degree in Land Economy, and far more useful.We should demand the reinstatement of the biennial PeterhouseMay Ball. Because balls are a crucial part of Cambridge’stradition, because it has been called off not for the sake of individualsbut for league tables and college percentages, and,finally, because Cambridge students are capable of taking responsibilityfor their time, their successes and their failures.Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000free copies to every Cambridge college and to ARU each week.Editors Lizzie Mitchell and Elliot Ross editor@varsity.co.uk Associate Editor Lowri Jenkins associate@varsity.co.uk Chief News Editors Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple news@varsity.co.uk Comment Editor Tom Bird comment@varsity.co.uk Features Editor Ed Cumming features@varsity.co.uk Arts Editor George Grist arts@varsity.co.uk Interviews Editor Jossie Clayton interviews@varsity.co.uk Chief Sport Editors Simon Allen and George Towers sporteditor@varsity.co.ukSenior News Reporter Emma Inkester news@varsity.co.uk Letters Editor Jo Trigg letters@varsity.co.uk Science Editors James Shepherd and Hannah Price science@varsity.co.uk Fashion Editors IonaCarter, Emma Draper and Francesca Perry fashion@varsity.co.uk Visual Arts Editor Sam Ensor-Rose visualarts@varsity.co.uk Theatre Editor Orlando Reade theatre@varsity.co.uk Literature EditorOrlando Reade literature@varsity.co.uk Chief Music & Listings Editors Joshua Farrington and VeritySimpson music@varsity.co.uk, listings@varsity.co.uk Classical Editor Toby Chadd classical@varsity.co.uk Sports Editor Noel Cochrane sporteditor@varsity.co.ukChief Subeditor Dylan Spencer-Davidson production@varsity.co.uk Chief Photo Editor Lizzie Robinsonphotoeditor@varsity.co.uk Chief Photographers Richard Gardner, Debbie Scanlan, Chris Thwaitephotos@varsity.co.ukOnline Editor online-editor@varsity.co.uk Online Team online@varsity.co.uk Technical Director ChrisWright technical-director@varsity.co.ukBusiness & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer business@varsity.co.uk Company SecretaryPatricia Dalby secretary@varsity.co.uk Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof PeterRobinson, Tom Walters, Amy Goodwin (Varsoc President), Chris Wright, Michael Derringer, JoeGosden, Lizzie Mitchell, Elliot RossLost Integrity: mugged bya guy in a sharp suitReading your interview last week(Varsity 663) with Douglas Murray,the “liberal mugged quite a fewtimes by reality”, I was surprisedand angered in equal measure bythe extent to which Varsity’s senseof journalistic vigour seems in thiscase to have been mugged by a guyin a sharp suit. On Neo-conservatismbeing “not a set of doctrines…just a way of looking at the world”,Murray’s attention could have profitablybeen drawn to the continuingalliance of extreme right-wingChristianity and the Neoconservativedogma of pre-emptive militaryaction, supported by the misguidedbelief that this attitude representswithout doubt or caveat thesupreme moral high ground. Theview that being “sensible” entailsan unqualified support of Israel,whose government has repeatedlyand blatantly abused humanrights for decades, is ludicrouslymisguided. Whilst I welcome Murray’scondemnation of the crueltysupported and perpetrated bySaudi Arabia’s government, heavoids the hypocrisy inherent inthe UK’s continued support forsimilarly barbarous regimes suchas Pakistan and past support forother human rights violators; thispoint, again, was seemingly not putto him during the interview.I would never seek to criticisethe airing of a wide range ofpolitical views within this paper,but when a figure such as lastweek’s interviewee is allowed thecompletely untrammelled abilityto fill paragraphs with what attimes reads like his own politicalpamphlet, Varsity’s status as anindependent student newspaper isimmensely damaged.Yours,John Walker,Homerton CollegeArtistic Prejudicedoesn’t add upAs the producer of the next twoweeks of ADC mainshows, I thinkI should offer some defence inview of your ill-advised View fromthe Gods this week. Fame,however ‘hackneyed’ a musical,is likely to sell out. Peoplewant to see this stuff. Howevermuch Varsity bangs on about thequality of ADC programming,the theatre isn’t subsidised andneither is the club. Robert Icke’sfrankly astounding production ofMotortown lost his Swan TheatreCompany £1000, and the theatre,goodness knows how much. TheTheatre Editor’s own Edinburghproduction (much to my frustration)lost a similar amount. Itis always those with little or nofinancial intuition or experience intheatre production that criticisethe ADC Theatre’s programmingeach term.As it happens, James and TheGiant Peach is actually bloodygood. I challenge you to come andsee it. You might actually enjoyit. Fame is also an extremelygood production of a popular (ifnot top-notch) musical. There istime and space in the vast arrayof Cambridge amateur drama productionsfor shows that people ofall ages will actually want to comeand see. Fame may have ‘problematicartistic potential’ but thefinancial success of productionslike it provide the opportunity forthe theatre and the ADC to stageshows like Motortown and ApocryphalTales where the numberspatently don’t add up.Yours sincerely,Ollie Jordan,Corpus Christi CollegeLetter of the week will receive a bottle of wine from our friends at Cambridge Wine MerchantsPart-academic, partvocational;but only halfas useful?In response to your front pagearticle ‘A-levels could be scrappedin six years’, I would like to offer mypersonal opinion. Whilst I feel thatthe option of a vocational qualificationat sixth-form age is extremelyimportant (and has been a long timecoming!) I cannot help thinking thatthe idea of actually “replacing” theA-level system with a more vocationalalternative is misguided.Apart from the fact that A levelis the last real time when you areable to enjoy a variety of academicsubjects purely for their own interest,the loss of which would be a realshame, it is already evident thatsubjects such as law and psychologyalready being taught at A-level areof little use to anyone wishing topursue a career in that sector, andthat a half-and-half academic-vocationalqualification would struggleto be sufficiently useful in eitherarea. A more practical knowledgeof vocational applications at degreelevel would be beneficial in subjectssuch as English and History whosebreadth frequently leaves studentsfloundering when it comes to makingcareer decisions, but sixth form (andearlier; these new qualifications startat year 9) is far too early to be forcedto have these considerations.Introducing a new, more vocationalqualification is an unnecessaryand confusing change: universitiesare only just working out how to dealwith less traditional subjects such asDrama and Media Studies. Personally,I really enjoyed my A levels,and would not have done so if theyhad forced me at such a young ageto think about my employability andcareer prospects.Although it is understandable thatCambridge has jumped on the newqualification bandwagon becausethey do not like the old ones, there isnever going to be a perfect solution.Lucy ChekeDowning Collegeconfess totheBishopof ElyNEWSPAPERS Varsity Publications, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane,SUPPORT Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. VarsityRECYCLING is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications alsoRecycled paper madeup 80.6% of the rawpublishes BlueSci, The Cambridge Globalist and The Mays. ©2007material for UK Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publicationnewspapers in 2006NEWSPAPERS SUPPORTmay be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted inRECYCLINGany form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise withoutprior permission of the publisher. Printed at Mortons Print Ltd — Newspaper House, Morton Way,Horncastle, Lincolnshire LN9 6JR. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.Anything to declare? Sniffedsome scandal?Post your secrets to us oremail confess@varsity.co.ukAll submissions remaintotally anonymous

12 ROSTRUMWrite for this section?comment@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/commentA fresh perspectiveScience and religion have been popularly cast as awkward bedfellows, while for thosewho espouse the doctrines of Dawkins, they are at war. Against this apparent conflict,Fraser Watts defends their compatibility, arguing that religious and scientific points ofview work best in a complementary, rather than a competitive, relationship.The idea that science and religionare in conflict is wellentrenched. It is assumedthat you have to choosebetween them. That is seen, forexample, in the work of RichardDawkins, for whom promotingscience and attacking religion (asin The God Delusion) are two sidesof the same coin. It is strange thatthis conflict thesis is so durable,because it doesn’t stands up tocritical examination.In the first place, it is often assumedthat there has always beena conflict between science and religion.Not so. We can actually datethe conflict idea to 1875, the year inwhich the first book was publishedon ‘conflict’ between science andreligion (by J W Draper). Beforethat most ‘scientists’, as we wouldcall them (though that is actually a19 th century term) were religiouspeople. Newton, for example,even thought that his research onreligion was more important thanhis scientific research. Most earlymodern science was religiously motivated,and arose out of religiousassumptions. People sometimestry to make hay out of the unfortunateGalileo incident. However,there was not even a general conflictbetween Copernicanism andChristianity in the 16 th century,let alone a more general conflictbetween science and religion.Next, it is often claimed thatreligion is irrational, that religionis a tissue of fantasies and illusions,whereas science gives us thereal truth. Though I agree thatscience is the supreme achievementof human rationality, thecontrast between science andreligion is nothing like as starkas is often made out. No seriousphilosopher of science would nowtry to argue that what sciencegives us is simply a matter offactual truth. Certainly, there arecareful empirical observations inscience, but they are intertwinedwith theory, which in turn dictateswhat observations you make, andinfluences how you interpret them.There are no theory-free observationsin science. Moreover, howobservations are interpreted inscience can change radically overtime as ‘paradigm shifts’ occur, forexample from Newtonian to quantummechanics. Furthermore, justas early modern science was oftenfuelled by religious assumptions somore recent science has often beenfuelled by atheist assumptions.The impact of atheism on scientifictheorising is no more ‘neutral’ thanthat of religion. Neither is inherentin science itself.If science is less straightforwardlyfactual than some peopleclaim, religion is not irrational inthe way that is often imagined.Religious relief is a large-scaletheory that makes sense of abroad range of considerations; itis perhaps more comparable to ascientific paradigm than a particularscientific theory. It can makesense, within a single framework,of the remarkable beauty andfruitfulness of the natural world,the powerful religious experiencesthat are familiar to at least a thirdof the population, the religiousinstinct that seems inherent inhuman nature, and the claimsof religious leaders such us theBuddha, Jesus, and the prophetMohammed. Religious belief goesbeyond empirical observations, butin a way that is rationally defensibleand makes sense, at a stroke,of a broad range of consideration.Some people regard religious beliefas too speculative, which is a fairpoint, though there is often anelement of speculation in scientifictheories as well. Another commonobjection is that religious beliefsare unnecessary, and that there aresimpler explanations of the thingsthat religion explains. However,it is not clear that the ‘simple isbest’ rule is always a good guideto the truth. Science itself sometimesresorts to rather profligateexplanations, as in the currentlyfashionable idea of multiverses.The idea that you have to choose“It is often claimedthat religion isirrational, thatreligion is a tissueof fantasies andillusions, whereasscience gives us thereal truth.”between science and religion isfuelled by the idea that they areon a par with each other. Forexample, which is right about thebeginning of the world? The Bibleor modern cosmology? In fact,religion focuses, not so much onhow the world started, as on thebelief there is a caring, creativeGod who underpins and sustainseverything in the world. That beliefcomplements science; it doesn’tcompete with it. My suggestionis that science and religion lookat things from different points ofview. Whatever you look at, theyeach have something to contribute.They complement each other.Within science itself, there are oftendifferent perspectives that complementeach other. Take going tosleep. As you go to sleep, there arechanges in the electrical rhythms ofthe brain; they go through severalstages, gradually becoming slower,larger and more regular. You canalso study how thought processeschange as people go to sleep. Researchhas shown that people stopattending, first to the outside world,then even to their own bodies.Then they are left just with theirown thoughts, which become morefragmentary and uncoordinated,and recede to what people call the‘back of the mind’. Understandingthe physiological and psychologicalaspects of going to sleep provideswith complementary perspectives.I suggest that science and religionare complementary in the samekind of way.Another common idea aboutthe relationship between scienceand religion is that they each havetheir own territory. Some thingscan be studied by science; otherscan’t. The idea is that religioncomes into its own with the thingsthat fall outside the scope of science.God is then to be invoked inthe places where science doesn’tgo. That kind of carve-up of theterritory, in the end, keeps no onehappy. Science can study everythingfrom its own perspective,including human personality, evenreligion itself. But equally, religionbears on everything; most religiouspeople believe that the wholeworld is in God’s hands. Scientistsare right to think they can tackleany question that comes up. Butthey are wrong if they thinkthat science is the only perspective.Most scientists are humbleenough about their work to knowthis, even though a few scientistsentertain the grandiose fantasythat science is the only actor on thestage, and that no one else shouldget a look in.Dividing up the territorybetween science andreligion is like dividing upmedical complaints intothose that are physical and thosethat are psychological. Thingsjust don’t divide up neatly likethat. Every medical complaint hasphysical aspects. Equally, there isalways a psychological side, even ifit is only how people cope with beingill and in pain. The physical andpsychological sides of medicine arecomplementary. The territory can’tbe partitioned between them. It isthe same with scientific researchand religious belief.One of the currently excitingareas of religious studies is thegrowth in the study of religionfrom the perspectives of evolutionarybiology and cognitiveneuroscience. It is tempting toassume that, because we are developingexplanations of religionfrom those standpoints, religion isbeing ‘explained away’. However,that is manifestly a non sequiter.It only follows if you make theadditional assumption that evolutionand/or neuroscience provideus with the only explanation ofJAMES SHEDDENreligion, but there is no rationalbasis for that assumption.From the religious point ofview, there is no problem withthe idea that evolution has givenrise to the religion. Most religiouspeople just assume that everythingabout humans has evolved,“Dividing up theterritory betweenscience and religionis like dividing upmedical complaintsinto those thatare physical andthose that arepsychological.”including religion. If it was partof God’s purposes for humanbeings to develop the capacityfor religion, they just assumethat the evolution was the wayin which that was brought about.Equally, if scientists study thebrain processes part involved inreligious experience, they are notentitled to conclude that thereis nothing transcendent aboutreligion. When we have any kindof experience, including religiousexperience, the brain is involved,but that doesn’t settle the questionof whether religious is aboutanything beyond the brain.Another strange thing aboutscientists like Richard Dawkins,who want science to replace religion,is that they ignore the scientificevidence that religion is notlikely to go away. Religion seemsto have evolutionary value, andthe brain seems to be hard-wiredfor religion. That implies thatreligion is not going to be aroundfor along time to come. Dawkins’indiscriminate attack on all formsof religion is, in that sense, unrealisticfrom a scientific point ofview. Of course, that doesn’t makereligion either true, or good forus. However, the crucial questionfor the human race is not whetherto have religion at all, but whatkind of religion to have. Weurgently need to a better sense ofwhere to draw the dividing linebetween healthy and unhealthyforms of religion, and to work tosee that healthy forms of religionhave the ascendancy.Dr Fraser Watts is a reader in theFaculty of Divinity and is Directorof the Psychology and ChristianityProject.

14 COMMENTComment editor: Tom Birdcomment@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/commentSarahRaineyBarriers from withinWe’re failing to integrate international studentsOnce again, the membership ofa union is being shafted by thescheming of the union leadership.This time, it’s our union, theNUS, which is being underminedby the gang of Blairite careeristswho control the top positionson the NEC and numerous localSU executives. Not content withspending years resolutely failingto do anything meaningfulto stave off top up fees, pissingthe campaigns budget away onlavish receptions for New Labourministers and wasting stupendousamounts of students’ money ona rip-off discount card nobodywants, President Tumelty and herunrepresentative camarilla haveset their sights on the destructionof NUS democracy.After a sham “consultation”, anunaccountable, ill-publicised (semisecret)Governance Review Boardhas drawn up plans for a series of“governance reforms”, designed toentrench the power and prestigeof a handful of top bureaucrats atthe expense of democracy. Theboard which drew up these proposalswas a joke. It was composedsolely of sabbaticals (who stand togain the most from the reforms)and “external advisors” – not oneordinary student was involved.The proposals themselves aredisastrous, but not surprising.The Annual Conference will bebroken up into a series of smallerconferences, a confusing arrangementwhich will damage studentparticipation. Top members of theexec will be made less accountableto the more representativepart-time officers. The former willbe rewarded with inflated salaries;the latter will have their workmade impossible by funding cuts.The requirement that delegatesto conference have to be electedby a cross-campus ballot will beweakened. This can only be badnews for women and sexual, ethnicand political minorities.This is a political coup in ourunion engineered by the selfinterestedleadership of LabourStudents. If the reforms pass, itwill be a blow struck for them andtheir political masters in DowningStreet – a blow struck againststudents and their interests.Spinning frantically in TCS thisweek, top NUS mandarin WesStreeting claims that oppositionto these reforms is coming solelyfrom the revolutionary left, andimplies that “ordinary students”are behind the reforms. Nonsense.Not only do most “ordinary students”not know about the reforms(because he hasn’t told them aboutthem), but revolutionary socialistsare not alone in opposingthe move. Of course we opposethem, because being a socialistmeans fighting unconditionallyfor democracy. Of course we’reshouting loudest about it, becausethat’s what grassroots politicalactivists do. Of course the reformswill disadvantage us, but they willdisadvantage everyone. That’swhat happens when you underminedemocracy. Student unionistsfrom across the political spectrumrealise that these reforms arebad for democracy, and bad forthe membership. On Tuesday,University College London votedoverwhelmingly to oppose thereforms. Other big universities areswinging behind them. Cambridgemust too.We’ve all got them: infact, since moving toMadrid, I think I’vecollected about fifty.Those never-have-time-to-chat,wouldn’t-have-much-to-say-evenif-we-didpeople, at whom we smileand nod in the corridors betweenlectures: the quintessential “hibye”friend. Think about it. Howmany international students do youknow? And how many are you actuallyfriends with? Of the 330,075international students currentlystudying at universities in the UK,approximately 6,000 of whom areat Cambridge, I’d be hard pressedto name three. And having just embarkedon a year abroad in Spain,my integration (or lack thereof)with the madrileños has become aserious social impediment.It’s unnervingly easy to ignorethe plight of international studentsin Cambridge. Its internationallyorientatedadmissions policy rankseleventh in the UK, and with21% of its 2006-2007 intake beingfrom outside the UK, Cambridgehas – ostensibly – got little toworry about in terms of embracingmulticulturalism. Yet Alice,an ex-Erasmus student, describesher time in Cambridge as “lonely”and “too work-orientated to eventhink about making friends”; whileJon bemoans “the lack of mixingwith national students”. Not quitethe image our International Officewould like to portray, then.So why is integration such a bigproblem? The principal reasonseems to be aversion to diversity.Differences in culture, race,religion and traditions often doNatalieSzarekAt the age of eight my bestfriend missed out on theirony of Clueless andtook the fashion-obsessedvalley-girl lifestyle to heart. Asher “project”, I was subjected toa series of abuses in the name ofbeauty, thoroughly convinced thata favour of magnificent proportionswas being bestowed uponme. I spent an inordinate amountof time in Claire’s Accessories andinvested my meagre allowance onwatermelon lip gloss and ‘trendy’hair scrunchies. After severalmonths on the ruthless beauty program,I decided I had had enoughand returned gratefully to my tomboyish,nerdy existence.Since then, I have discoveredthat Clueless was a parody, andnot a paradigm of the ‘good life’.Yet I am still unable to banishthe sense that my former bestfriend is watching me- and disapproves.I can’t help but feel thatI live in a society that monitors awoman’s appearance, measuringher against an unachievable ideal.As CUSU “Love Your Body Day”is celebrated across colleges withcomedy nights and junk-food sessions,I find myself asking myselfwhy we need to designate a day tolove our bodies. But the answer isblatantly, though disturbingly, obvious.Women do hate their bodies.not incite in students the interestand open-mindedness they ought,but rather a passive indifferencefrom those already settled in theirinsular cliques. Language can bea major barrier for internationalstudents, despite Cambridge’sobligatory English tests prior toadmission: classroom skills areone thing; but making jokes andkeeping up with colloquialisms ismuch harder to achieve. Moreover,studying here is far fromcheap. In 2007-2008, EU-nationalsat Cambridge will pay an annualfee of £3,070. Some internationalstudents are charged an incredible£11,862. If you’ve paid thismuch for your tuition, not workingentails far more guilt. No wonderintegration isn’t top priority formany international students.This year, the stringency of theCambridge admissions and accommodationsystems has createdsubstantial barriers for some internationalstudents. In Trinity Hall, ahigher-than-anticipated acceptancelevel has resulted in internationalstudents being housed in off-siteaccommodation, separated from therest of the student body. Up untillast year, this was the permanentarrangement for all internationalstudents in Caius. In Queens’ College,a spokesperson explains that“a majority of the internationalstudents (and local students withforeign sounding surnames) arehoused... further away from wheremost things in college happen”.Albeit an unintended upshot ofthe need to keep certain areas freeduring the conference season, thisunnecessary ostracism of overseasstudents is a clue to why integrationin Cambridge is failing. Barriersare created from within thebubble, rather than being imposedfrom the outside. Queen’s insiststhat the College has the “interestsof the students at heart and... willrespond to concerns either withdecent justification or ideas for improvement.”However, when askedabout the impact of the oversightat Trinity Hall, the InternationalOffice proposed that internationalstudents may actually prefer tolive together, so that those stayingthroughout the vacations are notalone. Caius, on the other hand,changed their accommodation policyas a result of international studentsseeking quite the opposite.Not all Cambridge colleges have aunified perspective on exactly whatinternational students want.These integration problems arenot unique to Cambridge. As I’mcurrently experiencing first-hand,the “them” and “us” scenario is alamentable global trend. Does it,however, signal a failure of multiculturalismin the university environment?Peter Hanami, a leadingresearcher in the internationalintegration of Japanese students,thinks not: the often-overlookedcrux of the debate is that 100%integration cannot, and neverwill, happen. The diversity of aninternationally-constituted studentcommunity, though it intrinsicallyimports a degree of division, shouldbe unconditionally welcomed. Yetmore can be done to ensure thereis communication across these divides.Until then, it seems that the“hi-bye” friend phenomenon willremain ever prevalent.Because you’re worth itDon’t spend your money on make-up“We are notairbrushed, altered,and edited to plasticperfection.”From primary school sleepovers topre-Cindies conversations, I hearan anguished chorus of complaintsabout weight, height, lips, hair,breasts, butts and noses.However much we take the dailyritual of “hair and make-up” forgranted, I still think of “puttingone’s face on” as something thatonly the Grand High Witch hadto do. Even the word “make-up”tells us that we have to ‘make up’for something that we haven’t got- everyday women are constantlyfrustrated by their appearance,feeling that they fall short of thebeauty norms set by women inadvertisements selling cars, shampooand toasters. And let’s face it- most of us don’t look like models.We are not airbrushed, alteredand edited to plastic perfection.We have student budgets, busyschedules, nine o’ clock lecturesand perhaps most importantly,LAUREN HILLinterests and passions not relatedto our appearance. All of thesefactors, however, seem subordinatedbefore the towering obsessionwith ‘looking your best.’ Thefashion pages of Varsity devisemakeovers for students, offensivelyadvertising gross-to-glamtransformations at the cost ofseveral hundred pounds – and thestudent’s pride. Is the lobotomyincluded in the price?Perhaps this is the greatesttragedy of the negative body imageepidemic among women; it’s sointernalized that women truly believethat thinness and Hollywoodbeauty are the paths to happinessfourout of five women think thatlife would be better if they couldjust shed those extra pounds. Whenwe imagine beauty to be linked tohappiness- the current Boots mottofor beauty products is “Look andFeel Better”- we forget that thebeauty industry has very little todo with happiness, and everythingto do with money. Women in theUSA spend over $40 billion eachyear on diet products. The beautyindustry constantly advertisesproducts that make up for imaginedimperfections- and scientific studiesshow that the effectiveness of theseproducts is often also imagined, andcertainly highly overpriced. Usingthe right product is meant to leadto self-confidence; but I certainlyprefer a self confidence that willlast for longer than a bottle ofcellulite-reducing lotion.I’ve observed a scruffy outfit orunshaved legs at a party generatingmore disapproval than borderlinefascist comments. I’ve heardgirls insisting that they applymake-up before heading to A&E.What, I think, has this world cometo? I suppose the facts speak forthemselves. More than 40% ofnine year old girls have alreadybeen on a diet. In a study of whatyoung girls fear, being fat was ahigher concern than nuclear war,cancer, or loss of parents. Lookingat women’s magazines withpictures of models causes seven outof ten women to feel dissatisfied,angry and sad. So for this one dayof the year when we are meant tolove our bodies, or at least try notto hate them, maybe you shouldremind your friends –and yourselfthatthey’re pretty even withoutmakeup. You could cancel your subscriptionto Cosmo; sleep in for halfan hour instead of straighteningyour hair; and doll yourself up for anight on the town (if at all), but notfor a day of lectures. These are tinysteps, but perhaps little by little,we can unlearn the self-hatred thatwe’ve learned to love more thanour bodies.

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/commentWrite for this section:comment@varsity.co.ukCOMMENT15HughBurlingThis year is the fortieth anniversary ofthe 1967 Abortion Act. Briefly stated,this permits the crushing and removal ofthe foetus, within the first twenty-fourweeks of pregnancy, after two doctors agree thatone of various conditions has been met. Amongthese is included the risk that “the terminationis necessary to prevent grave permanent injuryto the physical or mental health of the pregnantwoman”, or indeed of “existing children”. Abortionrates have climbed steadily in Britain sincethat year as medical practice has taken to interpreting“mental health” more and more broadly.It is time to amend the law.The law and morality have an interconnectedness,both historical and appropriate. Indeed, wecould not debate laws without relying on moralbeliefs, since laws serve purposes and purposesare decided by moral beliefs. The argumentsI make in this article for either reducing thetime limit or enforcing the supposed safeguardsagainst the abuse of induced abortion will havetwo characteristics. They will not depend onreligious beliefs, because religious argumentsdepend on premises mostly unacceptable tonon-religious readers and voters. And they willbe moral rather than social, because statisticsand consequences cannot be the bases for laws,unless we have some moral, motivational reasonsfor caring about them.Supporters of the current state of abortionlaw (or advocates of broadening it) do so becausethey have various misconceptions about certainfacts. By “facts” I do not mean statistics (thoughnote that 201,173 foetuses were aborted in Englandand Wales in 2006), but rather facts whichchange the moral circumstances, such as whatconstitutes a human or a right.Most believe that life has a special sort of value,and so should not be treated as a commodityto be traded in for happiness or security, and thathuman life has even more such value. I agree. Itfalls upon “pro-choicers” to demonstrate that afoetus or blastocyst is either inhuman or not yetalive, and the “pro-lifers” to prove the converse.Thankfully, we have a pretty-well establisheddefinition of “life”, so we can show that theThe right to lifeForty years on and the Abortion Act has got to gounborn are at least living things – they respire,grow and so forth, and they are as capable ofreproduction as a living nine-year-old child. As todetermining whether they are human is similarlyclear: biologists do not define species by appearance,age, or neurological sensitivity, but by geneticmakeup on the one hand and the ability toreproduce fertile offspring on the other. On theone hand, even a two-cell blastocyst is human,and on the other, it is, once again, as human asa small child who cannot yet reproduce but willgrow to have this ability. So, scientifically speaking,an unborn child is as human as an infant.Those who support the “liberalisation” of abortionlaw like to suggest that the legal right toabortion is an expression of the fundamental right“scientifically speaking, anunborn child is as human asan infant.”to have autonomy over one’s body. Yet if we canshow that the unborn child is a person then thereis an immediate tension between the rights of twopersons to control their bodies. We could decidethat an adult has the right to control their bodyand their child’s, but if we tried to implement thatlegally we would need to strike our commitmentto the UN Convention on the Rights of the Childto begin with. Arguments claiming that we don’tknow what a foetus wants (or otherwise that ithas as of yet no personality to be able to formwants with) and that it therefore has no rights ofbodily autonomy would solve this problem for the“pro-choice” movement. But they would also openthe floor to infanticide.These arguments against elective abortion aremuch weaker if you don’t believe that human lifehas intrinsic value – or otherwise that such valuecan be weighed against the security or comfortfor the woman that an abortion can bring. Insituations where adoption and good medical careduring pregnancy and labour are available, I’dsuggest that it’s hard to justify ending a life –even a potential one – to avoid nine months ofpregnancy and the pain of childbirth, especiallywhen affluent British society makes these trialsso much easier to bear. When adoption is notan option, the case for the “negative utility” ofkeeping a child is much stronger, especially if weconsider the suffering that child might endure inan impoverished life.The problem with utilitarian argumentsagainst abortion is that they rely on a verystrange assumption: that an absence of life hasa sort of “average” level of pain and pleasurein it. Let me elucidate. A utilitarian case for aparticular abortion (which, by the way, could bemade immediately after the birth of the childand it would make little difference to utility)suggests that a child will be “happier dead thanalive and suffering”. But can we really talk ofsomeone being “happier dead”? From a materialisticviewpoint, not existing can’t have positiveor negative utility. There is no question of pain orpleasure for the dead compared to their possiblelife. There is simply nothing.All these are not direct arguments for the revisionsof the Abortion Act proposed by the “prolife”camp, but rather arguments against electiveabortion entirely. Some of the people persuadedby these or religious arguments have refusedto support revision of the law to lower the timelimit or tighten regulation because they considerthat to do so would be to implicitly support theabortion of twenty-two-week-old-humans orhumans whose lives have a “risk” of causingmental damage to their mothers. But politicsis the art of the possible: just as the AbortionAct itself stood at the top of the slippery slopetowards the free elective abortions that killedsome 200,000 people last year, to achieve revisionsof the law might be the start of a change inattitudes towards the humanity of the unborn. Itwould give beleaguered “pro-life” organizationsstrength, and open the door to further reform, aswell as saving the small percentage of twentytwoand twenty-three week old foetuses that are“terminated” legally.I like dressing up. Hallowe’en thisyear, however, presented me withsomething of a costume conundrum.An exploratory rummagethrough the detritus furnishing thefloor of my room yielded, ratheranticlimactically, only a grimy babydummy and an oddly stale-lookingvat of fake blood. As I cast a furtiveglance at my watch to ascertainwhether there was any chanceof the joke shop that sells noveltyadult nappies still being open, thesheer vulgarity of my schemingmental image triggered a ratherharrowing memory of a party Iattended with my roommate a fewweeks ago.The dress code on the invitation– “I’ve noticed you around andI find you very attractive” – haddumped us unceremoniously intoan inspirational Bermuda triangle,until Michael Jackson’s ‘SmoothCriminal’ rescued us on the radio.One liberally stained anorak, aruthlessly kidnapped teddy bear,a disgusting Hawaiian shirt, anantique set of binoculars and abulging trouserly representationof just how attractive I found mycompanion later and I was feelingsuddenly smug about my costume.Only as I reached the venue – analarmingly upmarket cocktail baron the river – hand in hand withmy childishly dressed cohort didit occur to me that the combinedeffect of our costumes was about astasteful as the unabridged EurovisionSong Contest boxset, ‘Collectablein the 90s’.Several painful shirt-tie-andcocktail-dress-appraisingsecondswere enough to gauge the cosmicpolarity between our interpretationof the dress code and that ofeverybody else. A few more andI was struck with the horriblerealisation that I had just committed,quite literally, my fauxest passince I trod on Snowy, my littlesister’s primary two class hamster,in my adolescence, and her eyessquelched out.After I had abandoned myforlorn search for an appreciativegrin in the sea of puzzled glancesand distinctly unamused glares,I settled down to three hoursof determinedly discreet watchconsultation, seeking to distractmyself variously with countingdroplets of mac-in-a-pac-inducedperspiration and cheerfully talkingto those acquaintances whohad misidentified me as merelybeing badly dressed throughmy outfit. Not since the cinemapremière of ‘Jaws 38: CelebrityFin Camp’ has exit been moresynonymous with relief.No, I thought, lobbing the dummyback into its murky corner. Onreflection, I wasn’t prepared to putmyself through that kind of ordealagain. Rather at a loss, I calledthrough to my roommate, “Mate,you dressing up for tonight?”“Yeah mate – trick or treat rapevictim. She chose treat.”“What you planning on wearing?”“Easy – ripped skirt and a shitloadof fake blood. You keen?”It would, I had to concede, be atalking point. But there’s a veryfine line, I mused sagely, betweenhilarity and advocacy. It’s a bitlike whether you just listenedto David Hasselhoff’s would-behit single of last year ‘Jump inmy Car’ or whether you actuallybought it.“Nah, mate. Too far. Teenagemutant ninja turtles again?”

Careers ServiceAutumn Careers Event 20077th & 8th November, 1pm to 6pmUniversity Centre Mill Lanewww.careers.cam.ac.uk

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.ukVIEWFEATURES ARTS THEATRE FOOD MUSIC VISUAL ARTS FASHION LIFESTYLE LISTINGSFASHIONISTAVICTIMFind out what Johnnyand Luciana made ofthis young heartthrobp21One QuestionWho on earth isOlie Hunt?Noel HuitShadows in the nightTh esecretive Night Climbers of Cambridge, a covert band of students dedicatedto scaling the giddiest heights in the city, became legendary after the publicationof a book chronicling the group’s activities, penned by one ‘Whipplesnaith’. Now,seventy years later, the book is back in print. Tash Lennardlooked at the legend.There are numbers of themabout, but you will seldomsee them. They seldom evensee each other. As furtively asthe bats of twilight, they shunthe eyes of the world, goingon their mysterious journeysand retiring as quietly as theyset out. Out of the darknessthey come, in the darknessthey remain and into darknessthey go, with most of theirepics unrecorded and forgotten.Every college has its nightclimbers, yet contemporariesin the same college will oftengo through their universitycareers without discoveringeach other.”It is likely that a fairnumber of readers will haveheard of Cambridge nightclimbing. Some might haveread Ivo Stourton’s novel TheNight Climbers about a fictionalgroup of climbers. I dare say,and furtively hope, that a fewof you may even have takenpart in some clandestine foraysup our city’s ancient wallsand historic spires yourselves.I highly doubt, however, thatmany of will have encounteredthe book from which the abovepassage has come, a tome thatsince its original publicationin 1937 has come to be consideredthe night climbers’ Bible.Continues on next pageI once saw a woman on the tubewho looked like Alan Rickman.Alan Rickman with breasts, tattoosand an insatiable hungerfor Ribena Toothkind. All thestars have doppelgängers thesedays. Celebrities who frequentthe St. John’s Buttery includefolk-legend Joan Baez (usuallyseen blowing wistfully into herwater), American poet EzraPound (sinking a Relentless)and Virginia Woolf (forking herbeans while listening for theflutter of starlings).The same fate befell secondyearEnglish student Olie Hunt(see Facebook), when he foundhe had a first year namesake,Olie Hunt. Olie Hunt couldonly compete with the stronger,more attractive and rugbyplayingOlie Hunt through anintensive programme of Creatineand exposure to nuclearwaste. He also found that thismutual intrusion laid wasteto a devastating plethora ofromantic possibilities.When Olie Hunt was toldthat his name was being bandiedaround the girls’ lavatoriesof Cambridge night-spotBallare, he felt pretty chuffed -this was a good day. But was itOlie Hunt or was it Olie Hunt?The mystery remains. Perhapswhat will follow is a Jekylland Hyde (or is that Huntand Hunt?) style assault onthe women of Cambridge. Forhave you ever seen both OlieHunts in the same room? Mosthaven’t seen either of themin any room. Did Olie Huntnot simply reapply to his owncollege under a disastrouslyunsuccessful pseudonym?Olie Hunt has been mosthelpful in elucidating somethingeven Saussure failedto do in a key area of modernidentity and existentialsemantics. And so has OlieHunt. ‘Know thyself’ was theinscription above the entranceto the Oracle at Delphi. Nowthat’s all very well, but it’s notmuch use knowing yourself ifnobody else knows you. Andhow will they when someoneelse has stolen your name orface? And what’s more importantfor recognition, yourname or your face?There’s only one way out ofthis Pynchonian web of paranoiaand self-scrutiny. Andhere it is. The next time thatyou look into a mirror, prefer-ably in the toilets of a club, justask yourself, who am I? Am Ime? Or am I Olie Hunt? You

Features Editor: Ed Cumming18 VIEWPoints features@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/featuresScaling the Fitzwilliam MuseumContinued from p13It is very unlikely that you willhave got your paws on a copyof this book because it has beenout of print since 1952. Copiesof the 1937 or the 1952 editionshave become increasingly rare.Members of Whipplesnaith’scult following (engendered nodoubt by his book’s rarity) willeither be delighted or disenchantedwhen they hear thatThe Night Climbers of Cambridgehas been reprinted andis now widely available.The night climbers are a societyas old as any in the University.You will not, however, finda bored hoodie-wearing officialat the freshers’ fair. There areno official members or meets.You will not find an officialhistory of night climbing in anycollege library; tales of pastclimbing exploits remain onlyas fragments of Cambridge legend,largely passed on throughhearsay. Whipplesnaith notesthat “it is impossible to write ahistory of night climbing – becausethere is no such historyyetthe game of roof-climbingremains the same, changingscarcely, if at all, from generationto generation.”Giving the night climbersthe title of a society is questionablein itself. Yet for anunknown number of decades,valiant, or perhaps foolhardy,students have scaled Cambridge’sbest-known and mostwell-loved buildings by nightfalland without equipment,forming the continuum thatconstitutes the night climbersof Cambridge. While they arestill students, the identities ofclimbers remain hidden or obscuredby pseudonyms, knownonly by the closest of friends orclimbing companions.Long before free-running wasconsidered hip enough to featurein the opening sequenceof a Bond film, Cambridgestudents, and sometimes fellows,were meeting after darkin close knit groups and performingincreasingly technicalclimbs on the university’sbuildings.Climbing out of your rooftopwindow and hiding behindcrenellations for a sneaky fagdoes not make you a climber.There are, in the loosest ofsenses, rules. The climbertreats Cambridge’s urbanlandscape like a mountainrange, starting from the bottomof a building and aimingupwards, his pinnacle a spireor rooftop. He uses drainpipesto shimmy up, and cracks andchimneys as foot holds. “A fewenthusiasts swarm up everypipe they see, for its own sake,but they are not necessarilygood climbers,” notes Whipplesnaith.“They are gymnasts.”A good climber will have his(or her) sights set on scalingthe city’s great landmarks, andattempting the challengingroutes well trodden by generationsof climbing predecessors.Indeed, most chapters in TheNight Climbers of Cambridgeare dedicated to specific collegebuildings, offering “anecdotes…descriptions and classificationsto help future climbers.”Unsurprisingly, two wholechapters are devoted to King’sChapel which, “towering verticallyfor a hundred and sixtyfeet”, is always regarded byclimbers “with awe and reverence.”The climber does not justtry to reach the rooftop, however,but aims for the Chapel’spinnacles, to touch the top ofthe dreaming spires that definethe Cambridge skyline. Havingachieved this climb, manyclimbers have affixed souvenirsto the pinnacles as cheekymarks of their success. In 1932there was an umbrella, and,for a while, something of a fadfor leaving boxer shorts atopthe pinnacles. About four yearsago a loo seat was found. Thisincident was described by thehead porter as “an act of sheervandalism,” whilst the Chapeladministrator chuckled andsuggested that “most peopletake a fairly gentle view.”In both 1937 and 1965 nightclimbers used the traditionof leaving anonymous callingcards atop the Chapel to makevery visual political statements.“The ground isprecisely onehundred feetbelow you. If youslip, you will stillhave three secondsto live.”In May 1937, in connection withthe upcoming coronation, NaresCraig (known only as Nares inthe dedication that opens Whipplesnaith’sbook) came up withan adventurous scheme to mockwhat he called “the whole pantomimeof royalty”. The planwas to suspend a dummy figureof King George VI from the twopinnacles of the Chapel facingKings Parade.Adding levity to the prank,but great difficulty to theclimb, “George” the dummyheld a glass quart bottle in onehand (before the days of plasticbottles), and a tankard in theother.The attempt ended incapture after Nares and hiscompanion were discoveredand chased by the proctors(“bulldogs” in climbers’ terminology).“George” was removedwithin hours. The thendean of King’s called for thepranksters to be sent down, asentence which was was subsequentlyreduced to rusticationfor the rest of the term.One day in 1965 saw a“Peace in Vietnam” banneroccupying the same positionas “George” had almost thirtyyears earlier. The climbersresponsible for the banner raninto trouble, however, whenone of the party of four fell andbroke his leg a few weeks lateron a climb in Clare College,effectively exposing the group’sidentity. Some of them weresuspended, some sent down.Of those climbers, one is nowLabour MP for Greenwich, oneis a law professor, and the othertwo met tragic, untimely deaths– one in a car crash, the otherin a rock climbing accident.The absence of official literatureon the subject of nightclimbing, as well as the previousdifficulty of getting hold ofa copy of The Night Climbersof Cambridge, is unsurprising.Although there have beenno fatalities to date, the sporthas caused many injuries,offers the prospect of damageto historic buildings and is, ofcourse, massively dangerous.A point pressed home here byWhipplesnaith himself in TheNight Climbers of Cambridge:“As you pass round each pillar,the whole of your body exceptyour hands and feet are overblack emptiness. Your feetare on slabs of stone slopingdownwards and outwards atan angle of about thirty-fivedegrees to the horizontal, yourfingers and elbows making themost of a friction-hold againsta vertical pillar, and theground is precisely one hundredfeet directly below you.If you slip, you will still havethree seconds to live.”The university authoritiesmust, for what Whipplesnaithcalls “humanitarian” purposesabove anything else, be shownto disapprove of night climbing.“But”, he continues, “thisofficial disapproval is the sapwhich gives roof-climbing itssweetness. Without it, it wouldtend to deteriorate into a setof gymnastic exercises. Modestydrives the roof-climber tooperate by night; the proctorialfrown makes him anoutlaw. And outlaws keep nohistories.” And thus The NightClimbers of Cambridge hasclung on alone for the past 70years as the quintessentialguide to the sport.One wonders whether there-release of the book willsuck some of that sweet sapout of night climbing. Therarity of previous editionshas surely added to the appealof the activity, whichholds secrecy so firmly at itscore. Given, however, that theuniversity authorities will notchange their attitudes towardsclimbing, and that the fear ofpunishment, injury and deathstill remain, it is unlikely thatthe return of Whip-

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/featuresWrite for this section:features@varsity.co.ukVIEWPoints19plesnaith will detract from thefurtive nature of night climbing,even if it does encourage a fewmore students to (cautiously) trytheir hand at it.Would-be beginners and thoseerring on the side of cautionalike will, I believe, benefit fromthe book’s re-release simply becauseit is, aside from anythingelse, a little gem of a read. Thenarrative tone is charming, andoften very funny. At times it isdelightfully antiquated, suggesting,for example that a “smooth,golfing jacket” and “black gumshoes”serve as good climbingattire.Similarly, the book warnsagainst climbing drunk because“the climber may sober up atthe crucial point and lose hisDutch courage”. Some of thephotographs accompanying thetext are truly breath taking,and allusions to the sublime arepresent throughout in the formof the great quotations thatbegin every chapter. For example,chapter three opens withstirring (slightly adapted) linesfrom Macbeth: “Come, thicknight, And pall thee in thedunnest smoke of hell,That heaven peep notthrough the blanketof dark, To cry ‘Hold,Hold’”.Our time at Cambridgeis limited, andwill mean differentthings to each of us.“It really casts a spell,”sighed a friend of minewho left the universityalmost twenty yearsago. I am inclinedto agree, and itis clear that theclimbers behindWhipplesnaithvery much concur.The book endswith a heartwarmingfarewell,as the authorstake their leave“as gracefully asmay be, and melt away into thedarkness we have loved.” Theygo on: “We ourselves have lovedCambridge. Many hundreds ofyoung men must go throughthe same experience every year,for the undergraduate is at anemotionally susceptible age...Memories of Cambridge mayconjure up old friends, weeksand months of hard work…convivial evenings of beerdrinking,hilarious twenty-firstbirthday parties. But not to us.Cambridge brings back a jumbleof pipes chimneys and pinnacles,leading up from securityto adventure. We think of thosenights spent with one or morefriends, nights when we mergedwith the shadows and could seethe world with eyes that werenot our own.”And now it’s time for me totake my leave, as gracefully asmay be, and implore you to takeadvantage of your beautifulsurroundings. Look up at thedreaming spires at night, andyou might well see the nightclimbers of Cambridge goingabout their business.“As you pass round each pillar, the whole of your body except your hands and feet are over black emptiness”

Fashion Editors: Iona Carter, Emma Draper and Francesca PerryFriday November 2 2007 Friday November 2 2007Write for this section:20 VIEWFashion fashion@varsity.co.ukvarsity.co.uk/fashionvarsity.co.uk/fashionfashion@varsity.co.uk VIEWFashion 21HothouseFashion Disaster?Johnny & Luciana are on yourtrail and they’re going to makeyou look fabulousJohnny & LucianaJohnny and Luciana found the Michael claims he’s only hadfirst couple of weeks at Varsity a these trousers for a year, but whatbit of a challenge – not because of we want to know is what he’s beenany makeover-related difficulties doing on his knees that caused(don’t be silly!) but because of the that tantalising leg-exposing rip.total lack of mirrors. Johnny and Answers on a postcard. Keep itLuciana like to look at themselvesapproximately 7.5 times a we come to Michael’s dodgy hik-clean. Last, but by no means least,minute – dashing off to the loo all ing shoes. Michael’s dodgy hikingthe time was simply most inconvenient.However, the benefits of from Snowdonia. We wish they’dshoes look like they’ve come to usa mirror-less office soon smacked stayed there. “Fitted clothes areJohnny and Luciana in their for girls” whined a misguidedpretty faces when they were Derringer. This telling commentconfronted with public fashion may provide some explanation asenemy number 1: Michael Derringer,Head of Varsity.up his gorgeous body with baggyto why he feels the need to coverclothes. Somebody call a lifeguard,beforehe’s drowning in cheap fabric.We pinned Michael down andforced him into this much morestylish get-up. These fitted twilltrousers (Reiss, £69) cut a muchmore dashing silhouette thanthose droopy denims and reveal(who’d have guessed!) Michael’slovely legs. Johnny and Lucianadidn’t completely ignoreMichael’s wails as they threwhis belt in the bin but merelyencouraged him to stick to onebright colour and chose thisdeep red for the cardigan (FredPerry, £60).The crisp shirt (Cult Clothing,£45) keeps the outfit smartwhilst this sexy high collaredjacket (Topman, £65) matchesafterModels: Jenny Kenyon and Rosanna Phillips. Jenny (centre)wears dress from Topshop, £45. Rosanna wears dress fromAmerican Apparel, £40 and jacket (stylist’s own).FlowerAs leader of the whole operation,we thought that Michaelshould be setting a better examplefor those beneath him – butwith clothes like that we doubthe’s had anyone beneath himfor a good long while! A gameof noughts and crosses, anyone?It’s certainly crosses all the wayhere with this vile long-sleevedmonstrosity. Michael was keento express how much he likedhis rainbow belt. Johnny andLuciana were keen to expresshow much it made him look likea marcher at Gay Pride. Whilstattending to Michael’s offensivelydecorated crotch we couldn’thelp but notice a bulging protrusion.Calm down, ladies, we’retalking about his phone. Nobodyneeds to get hold of you thatmuch, Michael. Keep it in your(ugly) trousers.the snazzy shoes (also Topman,£45) transporting Michael fromfrontliner at Varsity to frontlinerat Glastonbury.

Features Editor: Ed Cumming22 VIEWFeatures features@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/featuresWe all like to think our subjectis the best. The most academic,the most valuable, thecoolest...ILLUSTRATION BY ANNA TRENCHAverysubjectiveperspective...but we can’t all be right.Joanna Trigg surveyedwhich disciplines youvalue the most. Additionalmaterial by Ed CummingCambridge has much in commonwith lots of Britishuniversities. Young people, forone. And books. But if there isa difference between us andthe majority, it is probably theamount of time we spend withour chosen subjects. Hours,days, weeks of our life, poringover texts and festering inlecture rooms in our chosenacademic pursuit.And though we might jokeabout English students neverwaking up (there’s probablya less morbid way to phrasethat), and lawyers never leavingthe library, on the whole wewander around pretty contentin the understanding that allof our subjects are of equalvalue. Some might be moreuseful than others for certainjobs, of course. For instance Ithink we can accept, withoutour pride being too dented,that Medicine is more usefulthan say, Philosophy if youwant to be a doctor.But just as all jobs are notequal, so neither are all subjects.Obviously much of itdepends on the students involved,but it also has to be truethat some disciplines are moreacademically valuable thanothers, as well as more valuablefor future employment.To find out which was the best,we asked Cambridge studentsto complete a survey, rankingtwenty-five subjects in order oftheir separate Academic andVocational values.The results are printedopposite, together with thetop and bottom five subjectsoverall. While it’s far fromscientific, the results stillmake for interesting browsing.Many fall along predictablelines., although of course somerespondents used more seriousmeasures of value than others.One asked “Can you save lives/build/maintain civilisations/maintain law and order/ communicatewith other cultureswith it? If not then its vocationalvalue is not very high”.Another decided to examinevocational worth in terms ofhow important to the world itwould be to make a mistake.Clearly it is worse to mistakea human colon than one on thepage, but the world needs onlyso many doctors.The general, perhaps clichédsense one has of a subject is byand large borne out by theseVocational standings. Law doeswell, as do Medicine and Engineering.Perhaps more surprisingly,Veterinary Sciences rankshighly here too. It’s clearlyperceived to bestow many ofthe same values as Medicine,something anyone planning atrip to the doctor’s (how often

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/featuresWrite for this section:features@varsity.co.ukVIEWFeatures23Worthy Pursuits – Cambridge’s most valued subjects12345MedicineReputed to be in the GuinnessBook of Records for having thegreatest volume of materialto remember, Medicine gainedcredit in the academic leaguefor the rigour and sheer dedi-cation that it requires. A clearwinner in terms of vocationalvalue: not only does a medicaldegree lead you straight into aprofession, but it is a professionthat our respondents agreedwas of unparalleled benefit tosociety.Natural 2VeterinarySciences 3LawNine o’clock lectures, labs all day,Medicineand a broad spectrum of knowl-edge that most arts studentsAlways close behind Medicinecannot even begin to imagine thein the rankings, it would seemapplications of, natural scien-to be so much in its shadowtists are the polar opposites ofthat it was a little forgottenthe average arts student. Beingamidst academic considera-a highly populated subject hastions, falling nine places behindno doubt boosted its ranking,its dominant sibling despitethrough promoting a greatersharing a large proportion ofawareness of what sort of time- the course content. tables and complex knowledgenatural scientists are up against.the course content.34EngineeringCombining high levels ofThe only ‘arts’ subject to makeit into the top five, Law wasvalued academically for thedepth and volume of knowledgeinvolved, and vocationally forits function in underpinningsociety, and, well, sounding likea job. Even if it does take youseveral more years to qualify,and then you sell your soulslowly, tragically, in a terrifyingbuildilng in Canary Wharf.practical skills and technicalknowledge, Engineering wasalso noted for being one ofthose areas in which makinga mistake could be fatal, thusleaving all those with only alarge book as a weapon in aweof an engineer’s responsibilityto the real world. Engineeringsqueezes just ahead of its morespecialised counterpart, Chemi-cal Engineering, in the Varsityrankings.do people actually “plan” a tripto the doctor’s?) ought perhapsto be a bit worried about.But the biggest surprises cropup in the subjects perceivedto have the greatest academicvalue, which sees English,miraculously, top out. Perhapsit’s sympathy for those who willnever, ever get a job, perhapsit’s fear of their terrifyingabsence of friends, or maybeit’s just admiration for a groupof young people who can studythe popular novels of their ownlanguage and claim the projectto be of intellectual value. I’mnot sure.Other areas of the tablehold fewer surprises. History,Maths and Natural Sciencesall feature prominently,together with other moreconventional “core” subjects.It might genuinely reflectthe value of the subjects, oralternatively it could be a lackof imagination on the partof the respondents. Minoritydisciplines are necessarilyunder-represented – peoplewill likely have been swayedby the subjects of people theyknow – perhaps particularlythose who complain abouttheir workload, or spend alltheir time in the libraries.Today’s university experienceis increasingly beingcrafted into an economicallycompetitive service, not unlikea haircut, or a massage. Thehuge debt graduates are beingsaddled with means thatCambridge has a burgeoningimperative to deliver an educationwhich will render themcompetitive in the marketplace.It is still the case thatmost recruiters ask for only a2.1, in any discipline, but thissurvey suggests that the studentbody has a very clear idea“Today’s universityexperience isincreasingly beingcrafted into aneconomicallycompetitiveservice, not unlikea haircut, or amassage”that there are subjects andthen there are subjects.With this in mind, it is probablyworth mentioning thedegree courses which cametowards the bottom of the lists.The overlap between the twois clear. Anglo-Saxon, Norseand Celtic, for instance, seemsnot so much to be scraping thebarrel of public regard as lickingthe underside of it, tryingto get back in. According toCambridge, this table implies,a 2.1 in ASNAC is worth lessthan the same mark in History.It ought to be a genuineconcern, both for those studyingand also for those thinkingof applying. Theology isanother interestingly low-scoringsubject, when we considerthat for hundreds of years itwas the sole course of studyat Cambridge. It is interestingthat all of the top-ratedsubjects are those demandingmathematical rigour, exceptlaw, although even that requiresa peculiarly focused andquantitive approach.While they are far fromperfect, these figures cannot becompletely wrong, even if onlyin terms of the mood amongstfellow students, itself instructive.Both the Admissions systemand graduate employersmight do well to heed some ofthese inferences. Far be it fromour place to stand in the wayof those who have a genuinepassion for one of the minoritysubjects – indeed, they areone of the main arguments forthe existence of universitieslike Cambridge but if, as wouldseem to be the case, there aresubjects widely perceived tobe of lesser academic valuethan others, it could make animportant difference to what,in truth, is the majority ofstudents, whose study at Cambridgeis as much a processof achieving a desired degree,to facilitate employment. Theidea of ‘playing the system’ toget a place is widely debunkedat an official level, but theseresults suggest that it is still apertinent concern.The Tables In FullVocational1 Medicine2 Veterinary Medicine3 Law4Engineering5 Chemical Engineering6Natural Sciences7 Architecture8 Economics9 Computer Science10 MML11 Education Studies12 Land Economy13 Maths14 SPS15 Geography16History17 English18 Archaeology andAnthropology19 Oriental Studies20 Music21 Theology22 Philosophy23 Classics24History of Art25 Anglo Saxon, Norseand CelticAcademic1 English2 Natural Sciences3 Maths4History5 Medicine6MML7 Philosophy8 Classics9 Law10 Chemical Engineering11 Engineering12 Geography13 Economics14Veterinary Medicine15 SPS16Architecture17 Music18 Archaeology andAnthropology19 Theology20 History of Art21 Computer Science22 Oriental Studies23 Anglo Saxon, Norseand Celtic24Education Studies25 Land EconomyFruitless Labours– Cambridge’s least valued subjectsLand EconomyA general unknown to anyoneoutside this minority subject,confessions on the questionnairesthat participants didn’t2122232425know what the subject involvedcould indicate that this position-ing (particularly being rankedlast academically) is unfair.Nevertheless, it was kept offthe very bottom of the list mostprobably because of the word‘economy’ in its title, whichevidently nods towards a morepractical use in society: straightEconomy came eighth in thevocational rankings.Th e o l o g yAlthough formerly one of thetraditional areas of academicscholarship at Cambridge,when it was also a clear routeinto a profession; the waningpractice of Christianity and agrowing political correctness inthe face of modern multicultur-alism have diminished the ideaof its importance to our selvesand to society.Oriental StudiesApparently oblivious to or indenial of the huge economicpower of east Asia and thehypotheses that Mandarin willbecome the world’s next globallanguage, as well as to the men-tal challenge faced in learningoriental languages, OrientalStudies found itself in the bot-tom quarter of both the aca-demic and vocational leagues.Perhaps it seems like to muchof a ‘new’, non-traditional sub-ject area, or perhaps it’s just toodistant from the cushy walls ofthe Cambridge bubble.History of ArtPrompted the response fromone student “very nice dear butis it academic???”, and didn’tconvince either that it wouldmake its students particularlyemployable, coming secondfrom bottom in the vocationalleague.Anglo Saxon,Norse and CelticUniversally regarded as arather curious subject; an oddchoice, with minimal applica-tion; perhaps we should not besurprised that ASNAC camerock-bottom. Suffering, muchlike the other four, from beinga clear minority, there is noword in its title that bears anyrelation to the society known tous, a society which is even lesslikely to be aware of its nativeheritage than it is to be awareof the transferable skills developedby those studying it.

Careers Service Careers EveningWorking in Arts & HeritageThe Advertising & MarketingTuesday 6 November, Communications 6.30 – 8.30 pm Event 2007Mill Lane Lecture RoomsFor undergraduates and postgraduates of any degree discipline – all years welcomeA chance to find out about opportunities in this multi-faceted field from a range of people involved in it.Real-life accounts of getting in and getting on will help you to decide if it’s for you:Lucy Armstrong – Assistant Curator, National TrustAnita Crowe – Director of Artist Development, Aldeburgh MusicMaurice Davies – Deputy Director, Museums AssociationLousie Lamont – Literary Agent’s Assistant, AP WattCharlotte Paradise – Freelance PR for national art galleriesDr Sophie Pickford – Junior Research Fellow in Art History, CambridgeJulia Potts – Group Head of Education, Ambassador Theatre GroupGeorge Unsworth – Manager, West Road Concert Hall, CambridgeShort talks, Mill Lane Lecture Rooms, 6.30-8.00pm followed by discussion, drinks & snacks at the Careers Service next doorNo need to sign up but come on time – prompt startwww.careers.cam.ac.uk

Features Editor: Ed Cumming25 VIEWFeatures features@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/featuresStatistic of the weekThe Embezzlement Petting ZooCrookFurry LoveCashThis is You Thespian TragedyCigarette,smoked inholder. RarelyinhaledNon-thespconversation(limited)Geometricalhaircut, unlikelyto lead to recallSkin (grey)from monthson end spentin ADC barSo it turns out that a cheeky SidneySussex number cruncher liberated£56,000 of his own funds.I’m not sure if you can actuallyliberate your own funds. Youprobably just don’t tell anyonethat you’ve hidden them at thebottom of your bin in the “miscellaneous”file.But anyhow, that’s not reallywhat we’re here to discuss. Thereal moral issue, it seems to me,is not that he took the money(illegal as that apparently is), butrather what he was intending tospend it on. In theory he shouldbe a hero, but if you think aboutit there’s only so many copies ofJohn Grisham that an old chapcan buy, and sixty thousandwouldn’t actually last that longif he just wanted to chill in hisbasement with a bag of cocaineand some prozzers, or in Barbudawith some hot babes. I wouldknow, as I once had a ratherunfortunate misunderstandingover a bet, and was forced to eattwo kilograms of barbeque flavouredPringles, and ended up inProfile of the WeekYou’ve put it online, we’ve taken it offEnzoMefsut2nd Year English Student,Clare CollegeFriend count:997Current address:A gay sauna‘tabtopolis, EnglandFavourite Quotes:“I am not from Hollywood, I amnot going to fuck your mouth, andmy time is extremely valuable!”‘She was the people’s princess.Now she’s *MY* princess...’‘Enzo? Gay? Never!’‘How many times shall I fistyou- let me count the ways’a slightly disconcerting personalplace. On the plus side, it didlead to my meeting the late Mrs.Dangerhands, who at the timewas working as a pastry chef in aQuaker-run munitions factory inoccupied Kuwait.But my point is that there areclearly better things that hiscraftily-unearned lucre couldbe spent on. For instance, theUniversity of Cambridge has,to my knowledge, never had apetting zoo. It’s well-known thatpetting zoos increase productivity(except in Wales, for reasonswhich have never been clear tome), raise levels of empathy andincrease the rate of child production.£56,000 would have gone along way to some rabbits, goats,a unicorn, a tiger (endangered,no less) and possibly a chinchillaand a llama too. In fact, with£56,000 you could buy 5600rabbits at £10 each (a reasonablycompetitive rate, my friendAarlarn informs me). Just thinkof the children. You heard it herefirst. Adrian DangerhandsInterests:Couldn’t be bothered. i’ve gota vested interest in the demiseof capitalisation, capitalism,capital-gains if that counts.Key wall post:Welcome back Mandy (HugoHadlow)Hot photo:Look of disdain(thinly veiled)for everythingScript of terrible,tawdry playyour friend haswrittenShoes (worn)from perpetual“business” andpretensions tofashionUndergraduaTellyWe watch TV, so you don’t have toI love a good nature documentary,me. It shouldn’t, perhaps,come as much of a surprise.They feature many of my keyinterests; public sex, voyeuristicdeath and David Attenborough.Attenborough has alwaysbeen a pet of mine, though notliterally, because I’ve alwaysequated his rasping vocal duvetwith the imminent arrival oftoast. and, occasionally, one ofthe jam and pastry M&S minibites,which have rather tragicallysince been discontinued.But unlike most of the fawningBritish masses, I don’tlike Attenborough becausehe reminds everyone of theirfriend’s slightly flirtatiousgrandfather, but rather becausehe was the original commissionerof Match of the Dayand because of his notoriouslove of danger.Many would maintain, somequite violently, that he wastrumped in this regard by theAustralian crocodile farmer andshort-trousers specialist SteveIrwin. It is a stance I take someissue with, as I always consideredIrwin to be rather a crassindividual, with an embarrassingpenchant for khaki and aself-serving habit of baitingsuicide. Ultimately he got hiscomeuppance, of course, in anaccident that was, rather satisfyingly,the marine explorationequivalent of being hoistedby one’s own petard. Nobody,literally, ever gets killed bystingrays. And he did. And in adelightful inter-textual momentof televisual self-reference, ithas made the Gerry Andersoncartoon of the same name’shaunting mantra, “anythingcould happen in the next halfhour” worryingly prescient. Andwho said this column was neverintellectually rigorous...‘Stingray’ is actually aninteresting case study in itself,in that it represented theterminal apogee of the terriblepuppet-shows, yet simultaneouslyintroduced many innocentchildren to the erection,by virtue of the glorious halfmermaidmannequin Marina.Stage make-up, left onsince lastshow because“there’s just nopoint, darling”Loo, downwhich to flushunfulfilledambitionThe black windof false selfworthTOM WRIGHTIrwin: ChumpBut back to the animals, andthe beauty of them is that youcan chuckle at them on occasionswhen you would typicallyfeel it was in poor taste todo so were they humans. Forinstance when they poo, whenthey fight, and when a lioncasually munches its baby tostop it growing up. All thingswe just wish we had the ballsto stand up and do ourselves.I’d like to leave you with a visual,which is, quite simply, thethe magnificent, Spartan effortsof David Bellamy, a gentlemanwhose career single-handedlyproved that there must alwaysbe a place for genuine, certifiedlunatics on drugs, in a greenhouse,on our screens. Longmay his memory live on.John Reicher

26VIEWArtsArts Editor: George Gristarts@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsHacked OffToby Young’s first book, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, explored his disastrous fiveyears as a contributing editor of US Vanity Fair magazine, and is soon to hit the big screen. DanielCohen spoke to him about strip-o-grams, the Modern Review and making enemies.When it comes to inter-Wviews, Toby Young isWa cautious man. MyWrequest to interview Whim over the phone is quickly rejectedon the grounds that I couldmisquote him. Anyone familiarwith either of his books, How toLose Friends and Alienate Peopleand The Sound of No HandsClapping, might find this odd.Memoirs are usually selective ina positive way, serving to enhancethe author’s reputation. Young’stwo volumes are an entirely differentmatter.They belong to a new genre (loserconfessional, perhaps) and theyseem, at times, written with thesole purpose of further degradingthe author. Unfortunate andsometimes humiliating anecdotesabound, describing occasionswhen he orders a strip-o-gram tothe Vanity Fair offices on BringYour Daughters to Work Day, ordecides to review his pornographycollection for The Spectator.How could Young worry aboutbeing misquoted, yet reveal hisworst moments in public? “I neverhad any qualms about exposingmyself. I think most people arehappy to reveal themselves inpublic provided it’s them doingthe revealing.It only becomes painfulwhen it’s someone else doing it -like a tabloid newspaper.”Or a playwright, presumably.In 2005 Young co-scripted withLloyd Evans the play Who’s theDaddy, based on the series ofaffairs, most famously betweenDavid Blunkett and KimberleyQuinn, that centred around hiscolleagues at The Spectator,where Young is now an associateeditor. “Overall, the reactionin the office was very goodhumoured.Most of the staff cameto see it and enjoyed it, though Ithink some of them were a littleshocked by the sheer scale ofmine and Lloyd’s disloyalty.” Theplay won a Best New Comedyaward; despite his self-deprecation,Young has had his glories.Firstly, in education. After afew teenage years spent in amarijuana haze, Young wentto Oxford, where he gained afirst in Philosophy, Politics andEconomics. Postgraduate work atHarvard followed, before a returnto England, and enrolment for adoctorate at Cambridge. As oneof the minority to have genuinelyattended ‘Oxbridge’, Young is particularlyqualified to compare thetwo universities. “Of the manywitticisms about the differencesbetween Oxford and Cambridge,the one I found to be the mostaccurate was: The Oxford manthinks Oxford’s the centre of theworld, whereas the Cambridgeman thinks the world ends threemiles outside Cambridge.”Yet in his own words,“academia turned its backon [him].” “After a year atHarvard and two years atCambridge, I turned in thefirst 10,000 words of mydoctoral thesis on the theoryof democracy and my supervisorsaid it wasn’t goodenough.”Young had a longstandinginterest in journalism having setup his first magazine at Oxford.“At that time, all Oxford publicationswere named after rivers. Myidea was to call each issue of themagazine after a different river,according to its subject matter.So the first one was called TheDanube and was about the relationshipbetween Britain and Europe;the second was called TheHudson and was about Britain’srelationship with America; thethird one ... well, not surprisingly,there never was a third one.”Julie Burchillclaimed that she’drot in hell beforeshe gave “thatlittle bastard” aquote for his firstbook. Youngresponded byputting hercomment on thecover.He had also written articles forThe Observer at the age of nineteen,and been fired from TheTimes for hacking into the editor’scomputer. He was frustrated,however, by the “condescendingtone that most critics and intellectualsadopted when it cameto discussing popular culture.”He wanted to “create a forum inwhich it was possible to writeabout things like the early filmsof Arnold Schwarzenegger in away that wasn’t simply intendedto get cheap laughs.” Thisapproach defined theModern Review, whichhe founded in 1991with Julie Burchilland CosmoLandesman. Heedited themagazine,whichhadafar greater impact than its peakcirculation of 30,000 suggests,giving early breaks to NickHornby and Will Self. Its philosophyof “low brow for high brows”helped change the way that popularculture is considered.The profusion of dissertationsand broadsheet articles on thelikes of Buffy the Vampire Slayertestify to its success, but Younghas mixed feelings about its influence:“[Critical approaches have]certainly changed and they’vechanged in exactly the way I andmy collaborators on the ModernReview would have wanted, butI don’t feel particularly comfortablehaving won such a comprehensivevictory. I enjoyed being amember of a dissenting minorityand now that I’m in the majority,now that my position has becomecompletely orthodox, I’m muchless confident that I was right.”The Modern Review’s successwas short-lived. As financialpressures mounted, Young fellout with Burchill and shut downthe magazine. When approachedfor a quote for How To LoseFriends and Alienate People,Burchill claimed she’d rot inhell before she gave “that littlebastard” a quote. Young put hercomment on the cover. They wererecently reunited after ten years,for a BBC documentary aboutthe Modern Review; thoughYoung did not to respond to myquestions about her.After that debacle, Youngmoved to New York to work forVanity Fair. “I wasn’t aware ofjust how corrupt American glossymagazine journalism was at thatpoint. My knowledge of Americanjournalism in general was basedalmost exclusively on havingwatched films like His Girl Fridayand The Philadelphia Story.”His “rude awakening” providedthe basis for How To LoseFriends, which dealt with hisyears in New York. It actuallystarted life as a business book“about how the zeitgeist was bottledand sold at Conde Nast”, but“gradually metamorphosed” intoits more personal form. The booksold over 200,000 copies and wastranslated into twelve languages.Even Julie Burchill, when sheeventually read the book, praisedit, calling Young “the mosttalented outsider since F. ScottFitzgerald.” Its negative portrayalsof the people Young encounteredin New York, particularlyVanity Fair editor GraydonCarter, helped Young lose afew more friends, though.“Graydon was initiallyquite sanguine about it,but he’s become moreand more angry aboutit in the interveningyears until it’s reached the pointwhere he now absolutely hatesmy guts.”With the upcoming release of afilm adaptation, such resentmentwill only grow. Young claimsthat the film is “only very looselybased” on the book – the nameshave been changed but are clearlyrecognisable, with Simon Peggplaying a character called SidneyYoung, and Jeff Bridges playingmagazine editor Clayton Harding.Kirsten Dunst and MeganFox provide the love interest.One would expect Young, akeen film fan, to be thrilled, buthe admits that it was a “veryfrustrating process because Iwasn’t in charge. The line in Hollywoodis that being a writer onthe set of your film is like being ahusband in a delivery suite, andI didn’t even have the status ofbeing the screenwriter. I was likethe husband’s best mate in thedelivery room. The midwife didn’twant to hear from me about howto deliver the baby.”He also has reservations abouthow he’s presented: “I come offworse in the film than I do in thebook because the character basedon me, Sidney Young, doesn’tameliorate his sins by confessingthem and being self-deprecatingabout them. There’s no allknowing,authorial voice in thefilm - just this tosser who keepsbehaving appallingly.”Since How to Lose Friends,Young’s life appears to havesettled into blissful domesticity:he is now married with threechildren. The Sound of No HandsClapping, though well received,demonstrates the difficulties ofreconciling such a life with theloser image Young has created.He is today one of the most highprofileFacebook fiends around;his ‘Boris For Mayor’ group, hasover 5000 members, and Younghas been a very public supporterof the Blonde Bombshell. “I do believethat Boris has the makingsof a great leader..... He is a Manof Destiny.”Yet Young, whose fatherMichael was a greatly respectedsociologist and politician, seemscontent to observe rather thanact. “I still have the occasionalimpulse to write a Big Book, butI’m not stupid enough to act onit. At the moment, I’m trying towrite a high concept romanticcomedy and I’m finding thatdifficult enough.” As the ModernReview taught us, there’s no reasonwhy that shouldn’t be takenseriously.The paperback edition of TheSound of No Hands Clapping isout now. The film How to LoseFriends and Alienate People isreleased in Autumn 2008.

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsWrite for this section:arts@varsity.co.ukVIEWArts27Restaurant ReviewTom EvansTrapped inthe ClosetEarlier this month, JK Rowling announced to a shocked nation that AlbusDumbledore was gay. Will Henshertried to work out which other well-lovedcharacters remain ‘in the closet’.1Robinson Crusoeand Man Friday,from ‘The Life andAdventures ofRobinson Crusoe’,by Daniel DefoeThe Evidence: The authenticityof the following extract, fromDefoe’s 1719 bestseller, is stilldisputed among scholars. Whatremains certain is that theiconic pair were alone onthat island for a very longtime.From the diary ofRobinson CrusoeSeptember 31 `1669:‘Today one of thesavages slippedhis vessel into mysandy cove, on thesouth of the island.Whereupon, I wasstruck with amazement,and knowingof the cannibalismpractised by that tribe,greatly afeared thathe would swallow me.However, showing him mycharged musket, he knelt beforeme, to beg my mercy, whichI granted. Presently, I allowedhim to enter my cave, and sharethe fruits of my labour.’ ”2Dorian Gray, from‘The Picture ofDorian Gray’, byOscar WildeThe Evidence: Dorian Grayis the charming story of anattractive young man witha closely guarded secret.He strikes up an intimaterelationship with two oldermen, one of whom paints hisportrait:“You know the best thingabout painting you Dorian?”Basil gestured to the canvas.“It’s that I can just lay youout and cover you with mybrush whenever I feel like it.”Dorian’s relationship withthe enigmatic Lord Henry isparticularly ambiguous:Dorian lingered on the doorstop,temptingly.“Thank you for having me thisevening Lord Henry,‘Oh, Basil and I are alwaysvery glad to receive you…Dorian.”The beautiful young gentlemanhad certainly lubricatedthe evening’s conversation. Hewas like a fine whiskey; bestnecked down late at night, whenthe wife was asleep.Oh, and it was penned byOscar Wilde.3Holmes andWatson, from ‘TheAdventures ofSherlock Holmes,’by Arthur Conan DoyleThe Evidence: Some of usread Sherlock Holmesfor the finely balancedinterplay between anintricately structuredmystery and the brilliantlyincisive deductionof the protagonist.Others read it becausewe wanted to knowwhen Holmes andWatson were gonnaget it on. One was anobsessive genius with acocaine habit, the othera respectable, ex-militarydoctor; this was late-VictorianEngland, outside of anOscar Wilde novel it was nevergoing to work. Though ConanDoyle never explicitly statedthe nature of their relationshiphe would occasionally drop thereader a revealing clue:“He gripped my cane verytightly and looked excitedly intomy eyes.“Holmes, I said, I do believeyou’ve got it. Yes, you’ve definitelygot it!”“Yes Watson, he replied, I’mcertainly starting to feel something…”4Mr Tumnus, from‘The Lion, theWitch and theWardrobe,’ by CSLewisThe Evidence: Mr Tumnus, theloveable Narnian faun literallylived in a closet! His neat littlebeard, bare chest and trademarkscarf bravely defied thebutch chain-mail favoured byother Narnians. At the start ofthe novel he was ready to dothe bidding of a great queen,but by the final chapter:“I’m sorry Lucy but I simplycan’t come out of the wardrobe,what ever would the beavers say?”5Sam, Frodo, Merry,Pippin, Boromir,Gimli, Legolasand the entire elfpopulation of Middle-Earth, from ‘The Lord ofthe Rings,’ by JRR TolkienThe Evidence: It was a long, longjourney from Rivendell to the‘Cracks of Doom’, but no-one,except Aragorn, ever seemed tocomplain about the absence offemale company. On the otherhand, everyone wanted Frodo’sring. The novel is infused withhomoerotic symbolism includingseveral rather phallic towers,the climactic eruption of MountDoom and of course Frodo’s decisionto leave Middle-Earth andjoin the elves ‘on the other side’at the close of the novel. PeterJackson’s film trilogy helped toemphasise this aspect of Tolkien’swork with lines such as thehighly defensive:‘Nobody tosses a dwarf!’Alimentum★★★★★My perfect day would startwith a trip to ChessingtonWorld of Adventures, thenThorpe Park and then AltonTowers. All of the queueswould be closed off and Iwould be the only person allowedto go on the rides exceptsome celebrities who wouldcome with me. Maybe I wouldhave Angelica from CBBC,Mankind from WWF andRichard from Judy. We wouldtalk about all sorts of things(the new series of Raven) andthen Mankind would say Iwas really cool and brave andgive me his phone number,Richard would invite me towin You Say We Pay and we’dend up drinking B-52s backat Angelica’s place. Then wewould have some Um-bongoand MaccyD’s for lunch andeven though I would be gettinga king size meal Mankindwould buy me the Happy Mealtoy separately because it’s mybirthday. Some bowling wouldbe nice in the afternoon. Ideallywe would get the wholebowling alley to ourselvesbecause sometimes unsavourycharacters are at bowlingalleys, and I don’t want anytrouble on my perfect day.Then I would have a littlebit of lots of sandwiches becauseI can never make up mymind which one to get, and asI finished my last bite I wouldfind some money on the floor(say £700) which I would giveto charity. The charity wouldbe that one for the peoplewho are not so fortunate asme. After this everything Itouched would turn to gold.Then we would go to CambridgeCineworld to see a film,probably an animated featureand probably PG. Before goingto Cineworld we would stopoff for the early bird menu atAlimentum just across theway on Hills Road. Its £17.50for three courses 6-7pm, andworth it. Its food comes freshfrom sustainable and predominantlylocal sources and itsreputation fresh from glowingreviews in the Guardian andthe Independent. I’ve wentthere once before. Last week,in fact. The potato and garlicsoup was well pitched, avoidingthe alliaceous gloop thatis sometimes produced in anattempt to prove ‘just howauthentic the food is’ at morepretentious restaurants.The Lemon Sole fillet camewith a shellfish cream, thechef proving himself bothbrilliant and brave enoughto serve what looked like anethically sourced piece of seafoam atop his creation. Thecottage pie was complementedby a fine, tasty red cabbage.For pudding I was tempted totry the Selle Sur Cher (goatscheese) to which I am allergic.Eat it now and take the consequenceslike Raven wouldtake them, I told myself. Asit is, I settled with the lemonand pine nut parfait. Whichwas perfect.

Arts Editor: George Grist28 VIEWArts arts@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsGothicScrapbookVarsity brings together the ghoulish best and worst of gothic and not-so-gothic fiction...FrankenfelineItwas on a quite nice night of November that I beheldthe accomplishment of my toils. With a slightly worryinganxiety that almost, but not quite, amounted to near agony,I collected the subtle instruments of life (tongs, spatulaeand whisks) around me, that I might infuse a spark of beinginto the lifeless thing that was slumped at my knees. Itwas nearly eight in the evening, about the right time for myadjournment to the sitting room for my daily fix of ovaltineand wafer thin mints. The rain pattered dismally againstthe panes, and my novelty lavender and lemon and honeyand marigold scented candle was nearly burnt out, when,by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light of UniversityChallenge, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open; itbreathed hard, and a ‘miaow’ motion agitated its limbs.How can I describe my emotions at this catastrophe, orhow delineate the wretch whom with such infinite painsand care I had endeavored to form? His tabby limbs werein proportion, and I had selected his feline features fromthe cattery. Beautiful! Great God! His tawny fur scarcelycovered the work of muscles and arteries beneath; his tailytail was of a lustrous black, and flappy; his nibbly teeth of apearly whiteness; but these luxuriances only formed a morehorrid contrast with his beady eyes, that seemed almost ofthe same colour as the dun-white sockets in which they wereset, his scratchy little claws and bitey little mouth.The different accidents of life are not so changeable as thefeelings of human nature. I had worked hard for nearly twoyears, changing the cat litter every day and providing newbowls of Burgess Supa Cat Rabbit & Chicken flavour votedthe best independent manufacturer of cat food 2006, for thesole purpose of infusing life into an incredibly lazy body. Iput the creature on a convenient iceberg. What better to do?I slept a long and quite nice sleep, tormented with guiltydreams… Shorteye SnrubCinderellaNoone saw her leave the partythat night. Her absence frommorning lectures provoked littleresponse, and her empty seat atthe seminar was only acknowledgedwith a casual shrug anda few raised eyebrows. She hadprobably overslept – unsurprising,considering the chaotic intensity ofthe previous night’s event. Whenshe didn’t come to dinner thatevening, doubt and concern beganto itch in the students’ minds. Theywondered if someone should ringher, but nobody knew her number.That’s when they decided to knockon her door. No answer. The onlything they could do was to findtheir tutor and fetch a spare key.In the moments before the heavydoor swung open, each of thestudents envisaged what might beon the other side. One imagineda rope hanging from the woodenbeams. Another, a floor saturatedin blood, with the grimacing shell ofa once-upon-a-time person splayedlike a grotesque marionette. Yetthe scene which greeted them wasso unexpected that their forebodinginstantly collapsed into coldpuzzlement. The room, that hadonce been filled with books, clothesand furniture, was empty. Not onlyempty, but almost as if no one hadever lived there. Silence pressedagainst the clean, white walls.There were no hairs in the sink, nosplashes of make-up on the mirror.The room was a void in which noteven the faintest whisper of humanityexisted, or so it appeared.The tutor still cannot understandwhat urged him to open the storagespace in the far wall. The sound ofthe latch clicking back was startling,almost obscene in the stillness.As dust billowed out from thegaping black hole, the students tookJAMES SHEDDENa slow, apprehensive step forward.Through his obscured vision, thetutor could see a strange shape devouredby the shadows. Tentatively,he reached into the dark space,barely daring to breathe. He drewthe object into the light. Clutchedin his white hand was a shoe. Theheels were scuffed and scarred andthe sole had peeled away at oneend, exposing the gut of materialbeneath. The golden glimmer of thestraps was tarnished. She had onlybought the shoes the day before,someone recalled; she wore them tothe party.The forensics teams were mystified.The only thing that remainedof her was the shoe, which had beenwiped clean of even the most infinitesimalstreak of DNA. Rivers weredredged, woods were searched, butthe investigation yielded no results.The room, resonating with the terriblescream of silence, remainedunoccupied. The sceptical, perhapshopeful few maintained that shecleared the room as a final act ofattention before leaving the country.But no one could really explainhow the shy, studious girl, who hadwalked home alone for the last timeyearning that she could disappearinto nothing, was finally grantedher wish.Sophie Sawicka-Sykes

Europe, piercing, necromancy and all things sanguine.BDSM. Please respond to Box 443.”black horses and thundering through the craggyFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsWrite for this section:arts@varsity.co.ukVIEWArts29Gothic LonelyHeartsheThe following was posted recently in the LonelyTHearts section of Practical Gothic Living: “En-igmatic, demonic (in the bedroom), sharply dressed,male seeks bloodthirsty female with a sweet tooth toshare his castle with. Enjoys travelling in EasternCount Dracula received a multitude of replies tothis alluring advert, but one in particular caught hispassionate imagination as he read it over one morn-ing in his cavernous carriage, drawn by behemothicmountainous valley, not far from his home. Theresponse was written on decaying yellow paper in asexy, crawling hand:“Dear Sir,I long to gaze into your brilliant red eyes from mysunken sockets and learn more about your piercinghabits. I am a sinuous, silvery, eye-catching lady ofmature years, in possession of a large manor anda dark heart. I reside amidst the English marshes;my dinner table is permanently set with a mouth-watering banquet which only awaits your feastingmouth to reawaken its former glory. I expect the dia-Beast Of The NightShelleydidn’t fit in with the other Goths.Maybe it was because she had refused tochange her name to Scarred Psyche. Hereyeliner was heavier and her shoes higherthan anyone; she still listened to Slayerand went to the Doom Fuckers gigs likeeveryone else: she just couldn’t help it if shethought James Blunt was…. pleasant. ButRaven Suicide felt like Shelley needed toprove her satanic mettle.They were sitting outside Costcutter, likemost nights, drinking the Strongbow thatEbony Rape had bought with her fake ID,and talked turned to local rumours.“Yeah, so, like, my mum – evil hag – wassaying there’s some big cat or wolf or somethingon the loose,” Rex Gravedigger said,swigging, “Like when they used to see thatshit in Bodmin, panthers and stuff. Butthis one, like, killed something. She tried tostop me leaving the house.”“Oh my god, she’s such a fascist,” Ravensaid, sucking on a Drumstick. Shelleygroaned inwardly.“It’s just some story.” The Goths turnedto stare at her in a flurry of bad hair-extensionsand kohl. Raven did a cider burp.“Jesus fucking Christ, Shelley, who evenare you? You’re so not one of us. You’re sucha fascist.” Shelley sighed.“Are you Shelley Thomas or are youScarred Psyche?”The other young Goths waved theirfringes at her in disapproval.“I don’t even care,” Shelley grimaced, gettingup, “I’m going home.”“Fine you fucking fascist.” Pulling herhair over her eyes, Shelley walked offthrough town. Winter was setting in; thenights had become darker and sharper. Herbreath made tiny puffs that got lost in themist settling over the city. The sky gloweda dull red. Only monolithic towers and thechurch spires rose forcefully through thefug. A lamppost throbbed on the street corner.Turning down an alley for a shortcut,Shelley suddenly heard something. Footsteps?Only her own, she reassured herself,and kept on going. She hummed JamesBlunt guiltily.There it was again. Too soft for feet. Itsounded more like - she looked around.Nothing.Shaking her head, Shelley continuedwalking. The night mist seemed to havefilled up the alley. She felt herself gettingdizzy. Maybe it was just the corset she hadbought a size too small from that one timeshe hadn’t been ID-ed in Ann Summers,but her breathing quickened. She gasped;the mist pressed closer. She wasn’t usuallylike this after three swigs of Strongbow.She tried to take a deep breath. She couldstill see the proud steeple of the cathedralpenetrating the fog, and headed towardsit. She loosened the top three fastenings onher corset. Her skin pricked with sweat.Suddenly, a black shape flitted across hervision. What - ? The sound again. Closerthis time. Shelley whirled around, but foundonly mist. She panted frantically. Her headwhipped side to side trying to locate thepatter. Just mist. She continued walking,quicker this time. Something soft, hairy,brushed against her skin. Shelley screamed,desperately trying to push out of the fog.Something was here. The sound seemedto deafen her, closer, couldn’t see, thingbrushed her skin again, gripped somethingin the dark, a lamppost or was it? Did itjust move? Sweat pouring, couldn’t, just themist, something grabbed her, screaming –The shivering woke her up. How did sheend up on a tombstone outside the cathedral?Shelley wiped her eyes.“Fuck, my eyeliner-” she muttered, check-ing her hand. But it was stainless. Someonehad also meticulously removed her blacknail polish. And taken out her red hairextensions. She looked down.“Why am I wearing a nightdress?!?”Something had changed. Everything abouther felt…different. Older. She glanced upat the steeple rising into the dawn. Sherose, pulling the sleeves of the nightdressdown for warmth – when she saw, on herwrist – clawmarks.Next week, they were back outside Costcutter.Rex had stolen some vodka and waspassing it round.“Yeah, like, the big wolf? It was just somefarmer trying to get money off the papers.”“So obvious. So un-satanic,” Raven gripeddisdainfully, “Some people are such fascists.Yeah, Scarred Psyche?”Scarred Psyche hummed Kate Bush toherself and looked down at the claw markson her wrist.“Yeah,” she said, “such fucking fascists.”Black Swan Obsidianbolic reply of your pulsing heart as I gaze from thisslotted window and pick at a piece of blood-red fruit.Yours with desolate passion,Miss Havisham”Dead on time, Count Dracula pulled on the creak-ing bell of Satis House and took a moment to checkhis teeth in a small fang-shaped pocket mirror. Hewrapped his top-of-the-range silk cashmere mixcloak tight around his gaunt yet toned body andbristled with anticipation as a rancid mist creptaround his ankles. A chill came crawling in throughthe open window and over Miss Havishman as shesat waiting, festooned in rotting lace and silk, hereyes shining with excitement through the noxiousvapour that hung in the room.Count Dracula stepped in, his moist red lipsslowly receding from his glimmering white teethto reveal an erotic grimace. The mice and spidersfeeding amongst the heaps of fetid food were inter-rupted and, picking up on the intimate atmosphere,scampered back into the dusty holes whence theyhad came.Dracula’s ruby-red eyes flashed with ardour asthey beheld the deliciously morbid figure of MissHavisham. Although she was too old to be a decentmarriage prospect, he was a vampire in his primeand she has a certain ‘Mrs Robinson’ charm. Sheherself swooned in rapture at the sight of his crook-ed nose, silky black hair and long, brittle fingernails.They sat down to dinner and gazed longingly acrossthe cantankerous remains of black wedding cake.Eventually they could no longer hold back theimpulse. Blood was pulsating through her heartas she strained her frail and sinewy neck upwardstowards his luscious mouth and he pierced herpapery skin in an instant, his long fingers closingaround her neck.But when the sunless morning light brokethrough the dust-encrusted drapery, her Count, herheart-throb, her piercing lover, was gone. The jiltedMiss Havisham let out a blood-curdling scream thatshowed off the full extent of her new fangs. Despiteher night of passion, she was all alone once more.Camilla Ignatius Ermintrude Temple

30REVIEWArts Editor: George Gristarts@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsviewfrom the godsThis week’s theatre promises aclash of three theatrical titans:Albee’s Zoo Story, J. B. Priestley’sAn Inspector Calls and Pinter’sThe Collection. And then there’sFame! The Musical.And ‘Fame! The Musical’ hassold out to the extent that thehapless reviewer I chose to sendalong will have to sit next to hercounterpart for TCS, rather thanbeing able to use the spare pressticket as a thrifty date. I’d rathergo on a hall swap with the firstyearboys from St. John’s. Choosingto go to see a play should bea bit like Blind Date, withoutthe shrill cackles of Cilla Black’swaning television career.An evening with Fame! TheMusical might be termed fun,easy-going, GSOH (questionable),likes: garish costumes, a bitof a sing-song. Looking for someoneof low intelligence, very lowcultural awareness and a desireto be accepted and reassured.J. B. Priestley: patronisingChristian, 60s (79), seeks privilegedpartner to reminisce aboutlife before the Welfare State,likes: the wireless radio, fetishes:having sex with the servants.‘let’s go and seethis play becauseit has intrinsicartistic merit’Pinter would be my first portof call for a date: dour East-Endmanual labourer seeks submissivefemale to make anxious,serve beer (Stella) and receiveblows to the face and upper torso.Likes: beer, power games.Edward Albee might initiallyboast the most charming ofevenings, but this would quicklywear thin as he would startto fuck your mind in a fairlyserious way. The evening kissgoodbye would be a bitterlydisappointing one.Our values have becomeskewed. At what point did someonesay: let’s go to see this playbecause it has intrinsic artisticmerit? We decide to watch afilm because it has an attractiveactor (hence the careers ofJennifer Lopez, Brittany Spears,Ben Affleck, Daniel Zeichner),why shouldn’t we go to see a playbased upon whom is the mostattractive author?In purely aesthetic terms,Edward Albee would be theone I’d most like to have sexwith, followed by Pinter (out ofrespect) followed by Priestley(out of sympathy), followed lastand-most-certainly-least,thefatso writer of the irritatinglypunctuatedFame! The MusicalAlan Parker. On the basis of avery distinguished moustache, goto Zoo Story.Orlando ReadeCigarettes andChocolateCorpusPlayroomDir: Fran Whitlum-CooperTheatre★★★★★Mr KolpertADCTheatre★★★★★Awarding stars in an attemptto evaluate a work is an essentiallyflawed system. An audiencecould flee a show deeplydissatisfied but with few distinctcriticisms, or converselyone may find stellar scoringentertainment in a pile oftheatrical piffle. Like trying toplot a poem across a graph ordigest a restaurant ChristmasLunch into a series of marksout of ten – does the averagedip when one measures thebrussell sprouts against roastpotatoes, and how could onetake into account the criticallimbo that is stuffing? MrKolpert perhaps exemplifiedthis problem. One left thetheatre slightly uninterestedand simultaneously shellshocked,both severely amusedand a bit sickened.The story is a fusion of blackcomedy and blacker tragedy– the bored young couple Ralfand Sarah invite their boringfriends Edith and Bastianfor a take-away-menu dinnerparty. What begins as anunappealing joke over a deadbody hidden within the corner’soversized trunk descendsinto a mess of nudity, madnessand murder.Ralf and Edith were themost engaging performers, theformer sliding from detachmentto dejection, the latterfrom timidity into hysteria,and both skilfully maintainingpersonalities on the brink ofimplosion. Bastian’s oscillationsbetween stiff formalityand spontaneous fury werealways comic if never quitecredible, and Sarah played adifficult mediating role with ahesitant appeal. Some extrasturn up in various later stagesof mortality and nakedness.The action unfolds across aIt would be unfair to say that,written for radio in 1988 (beforeMartin but after Geldof)anti-yuppie political consciousnessand the desire to “adopt aVietnamese baby outside theUffizi” hit Anthony Minghella.This truly excellent productioncharts the moral and emotionalawakening of Gemma, NorthLondonite, whose response to thebright light of an Italian holidayshone on her disjointed relationshipsis to stop speaking.Played with restraint byAmy Watson, harrowing inher framing monologues, herconstant presence onstageprovides the sounding boardfor equally ruptured andtroubled confessions fromfriends and lovers. American(of course) Rob, pitch-perfectlyneurotic Jared Greene, funnelshis intelligence into violentresentment of moral guilt andpromiscuous sex. His escape toItaly, a beautiful flat, fresh air,is rendered trite and unfulfillingby his retelling of them. Heis partnered by the emotionalpygmy Lorna (Ellie Ross),Dir: Jeff Jamessparse vision of middle-class,suburban domesticity – populatedwith unrewarding professions,un-successful affairs andunder-decorated living rooms.This bleak scene supportedthe well-directed physicalityof the play, balancing lethargyand violence to keep the anticperformers engaging.Ultimately the criticismis a lack of consistency: thepersonalities did not shiftbetween the comic andthe sinister withcomfort. Occasionaluncertaintyover lines,unconvincingrelationships,orslips out ofcharacter,disruptedthemeasuredcollapsefrom tartnormalityintobitterchaos. Theperformancedidnot sustainthe gradualsense of communalstrangulationthatwould have givenfoundation to thechoked epiphany whichRICHARD GARDNERconcluded the play. A shamereally, for weaved throughoutthe hour there were momentsof terrifying humour and tragichonesty. Five star peaks on atwo star plateau.Monty Staggbetrayed by family suicide, leftas Minghella’s least attractivevictim of the emotionalanesthetic of money. Highfalutin’Gail, played with knowingwarmth by Greer Dale-Foulkes, has her stable sexualmaturity and desire exposed asbuilt on loss and the insecureflip side of middle class affluence:expectation and fear.Atop superb performances,it is context which rendersit only half right. Cigarettesand Chocolate engages withthe emotional as the political,which irritated me. Gemma’stumultuous interior is expressedin politicised acts,such as feeding a tramp. It isan ideology of guilt, followedby brooding self-involvement.There is nothing morally wrongwith this, particularly not ifyou were writing in 1988. ButI couldn’t watch Live 8. Atthe core is a worthy but tiredliberal guilt that isn’t attractivewhen juxtaposed with depressionand self-doubt, no matterhow well it is rendered.It is equally Minghella’sJames and the Giant PeachADCTheatre★★★★★Oli Robinson’s James and theGiant Peach felt like watchinga surreal blend of musical,pantomime and children’s TVprogramme. This is after all afantastical story, and a kitschset, brash lighting, cartoonishcostumes and ‘larger-than-life’characters were the order ofthe day. Indeed, this isn’t a playaimedat the age group which makesup the majority of the studentbody: this is a production forchildren, which perhaps doesn’tquite live up to its bold claimthat it provides “something foreveryone”.howler that Rob’s infinitely fascinatingand nuanced dialoguesare coupled by his literal screwingup of a picture of a selfimmolatingBuddhist monk.In today’s context, Cigarettesand Chocolate is left exposed;worthy then, but how dare youtell me now, when adoptingforeign babies is philately forthe cretinous?I despaired with every character,beautifully portrayed,but could not understand aforeboding sense of moral guiltat modernity when today itdefines middle class politicallife. It was a relief that JoelMassey’s Alistair and JamesPelly’s Sample, both playfullytwattish, possessed the quaveringstammers and poor dresssenses of Cambridge men, andprovided something to trulyempathise with as half theaudience gazed into our future:monied (hopefully), miserableand snorting. This superior andenthralling production sufferstoo much of its own ennui in itsmessage.Will PinkneyDir: Oli RobinsonBut certainly, the group ofchildren behind me seemed delighted– albeit that one little girlannounced very earnestly to herneighbour that the entrance ofthe super-size insects was “quitescary, actually”. They relishedtoo the audience participationthat ranged from shouting greetingsto helping ensure a largeorange ball (or “peach”) didn’ttouch the floor as it was thrownaround the auditorium. Indeed,the energy and commitmentof the cast wasapparently inexhaustibleas they boundedabout the stage,switching personas,and playinga plethoraof musicalinstruments,from tambourinetoviolin.For me,however, itwas whenthe sillinessoccasionallygave way todrier ironythat the playwas at its best:in this, ThomasEdwards stoodout with an admirableand humorousperformance asthe cynical Earthworm.These moments werewhen the play managed bestto negotiate the narrow coursebetween at once entertainingthe children and amusing theirparents. Then again, perhaps itis wrong to expect this children’sstory to please all ages alike;it is doubtless a fun productionthat any visiting youngersiblings would enjoy.Alex Reza

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsWrite for this section:arts@varsity.co.ukREVIEW31The LibertinesBest OfAlbum★★★★★Who is this Libertines person?More importantly, why?I haven’t heard a racket likethis since Twisted Cunt Shaftplayed the Hope & Anchor in’78 – it’s all bum notes andshouting. Don’t they know thekids all like the Nu-Rave now?They’ll have to put more effortinto their next album if they’regoing to stand a chance.Joking. I know all about theLibertines, as the misshapen‘Albion’ tattoo on my neck gentlyweeping vital fluids onto myvintage ‘Pete Doherty is Innocent’t-shirt can prove. Really, I lovedthem so much I bought whatI thought was a dashingly cutmilitary jacket, only for everynice girl I met when wearingit to mistakenly assume I wasgay. I loved them so much thatI started taking prescriptionmedication (crack was not readilyavailable in my suburban Arcadia)in order to emulate Peter’s(as those loyal to the Libertinesflamemust call him) bohemianways, and provide an excuse formy own self loathing and socialinadequacies (a direct cause ofmy current inability to go morethan three hours, day or night,without taking a piss). In fact,I loved them so much that thiscynical attempt to extract moneyfrom a fanbase which owns thesongs already actually makesme want to take a copy of BoundTogether, rip out the pages, andfeast upon them until I choke,as though I were consuming theLibertines themselves. Seriouslythough. These songs are all great.The band was great. But nowthey’re just taking the piss. Theromance is gone. It’s like we werehaving a beautiful affair, and nowwe’ve broken up. All I can do isgo back to my room, down a beer,and have a wank whilst lookingat her pictures on facebook.Philip RackThe YoungKnivesThe GraduateLive Review★★★★★Set in the midst of North London,the film follows Anna, whobeomes entailed with membersof an Eastern European mafiafamily in the seedy underbellyof the city - fighting for the childof a murdered prostitute whosediary might uncover too many ofthe mafia’s secrets. The familyitself is part of the notorious VoryV Zakone criminal brotherhood(born in Stalin’s prison camps)whose members are known bythe tattoos that cover their skin.Naomi Watts’ performance isrestricted as Anna, but ArminMueller-Stahl’s portrayal ofSemyon, the soft-spoken monsterwith sparkling blue eyes, issomewhat more convincing. It’sreally Nikolai (played by ViggoMortensen of Lord of the Ringsfame), the well-mannered, ambitiousex-convict with slicked-backsilver hair who serves as driverand wingman for Semyon’s impulsive,unhappy son. ScreenwriterSteven Knight (Dirty PrettyThings and Amazing Grace)seems as involved as Cronenbergfor the British film-noir feel ofEastern Promises. Both directorand writer have tried desperatelyhard to put a modern twist on theclassic ‘gangester-thriller’ formatthat Jules Dassin and Fritz Langperfected all those years ago, butit’s hard to tell whether this succeedsor not.Perhaps to the non-Britishaudiences, the streets of Londonand the banks of the Thamesseemed a world away, but withmost of us having been to thosevery places the film is shot, or atleast watching them on a SilentWitness re-run on a hung-overThe HivesThe Black andWhite AlbumAlbum★★★★★Sunday afternoon, the sceneryseems a little less exotic. Thefundamental point of the filmis the moral scandal of slavery,the traffic in human bodies andhuman misery that persists evenin the modern cosmopolitanWest. Unfortunately the moralovertones perhaps overpower theactual story of the film itself.However, never the one to disappoint,Cronenberg includes ascene of excessive buttock-clenchingviolence involving slashedstomach and stabbed eyeballstrue to his reputation. And this isperhaps what lets the film down.Knight’s writing and Cronenberg’sdirection seem at odds witheach other for a large portion ofthe film. Heart-felt humanismdoesn’t fit into Croenenberg’sbrutal realism, nor vice versa.A wonderful start ends with aspark rather than a bang - thedialogue becomes more contrivedas time goes on (most notablywhen Nikolai throws somemoney at a long-suffering whoreproclaiming: “stay alive a littlelonger”). The fast-paced tensionturns into slow-plodding tiedends. I’mnot in any way suggestingthe film is predictable, but theconflict in direction and dialoguedoes wear thin at times. EasternPromises is a watchable andengaging thriller, but in an erawhen the genre has gone constantre-invention (several timeswithin David Chase’s fabuloussix season’s of The Sopranos),Cronenberg’s effort falls a littleshort of expectations.Ravi AmaratungaI listened to this album whilstnursing a terrible hangover,and my judgment of it may reflectmy bitterness at the noisyhooligan residing in my head,kicking over chairs and bangingon the walls, rather thanthe actual quality of the music.Although I can now attest tothe theory that garage rock isnot the best cure for a heavynight, as if that fact was everin doubt. But really, attemptingto make an objective judgementon it, this album isn’tthat great, and neither are TheHives for that matter. GaragePunk-Rock is over and theHives will never match the innovationof genre-companionsThe Strokes anyway so theyshould stop trying and get mesome aspirin and a coffee. Eventheir niche as the new soundof Sweden has been filled bysomeone better: The Sounds,who are a far more interestingand attractive band and onethat I would much rather talkabout as well as ogle.There are some good tracks,but nothing that interested me“This is an evening for usto try out new songs you’venever heard before, as wellas throwing in the odd YoungKnives classic hit.” So promisedlead singer Henry as theYoung Knives ambled on stage,tweed-clad, to start their newtour. They were supported bySpraydog (I missed them butwhat a wonderful name) andUngdomskulen, who werelaughably bad, but judging bythe number of teenagers intweed most of the audience wasthere to see the angular Oxonianthreesome. They showedno radical change in direction inthe aforementioned new songs,and intelligent indie-pop wasstill very much the order of theday, but they did seem to havesharpened their songwritingfocus and their onstage fraternalbanter.Their understated wit thankfullyremains, witness theglorious couplet “You got mein a headlock, I forced you intowedlock”, from newie Dyed in theWool. The few songs they playedfrom their Mercury-nominatedEasternPromisesDir: DavidCronenbergFilm★★★★★enough to tear me away frommy strawberry bootlaces, whichare a gelatine treat perfect foralcohol induced brain-pain. So,inevitably, the highlight of thisalbum for me was, after agesof racking my brains, realisingthat a small section of theseventh track, Won’t Be Long’(which is pretty good incidentally),sounds a little bit like aFleetwood Mac song from Tusk.So I decided to listen to thatinstead and had a much bettertime, leaving The Hives to stewin their snazzy suits.Owain Mckimmdebut, Voices of Animals andMen, received rapturous receptions,to the band’s obvious gratification.The quiet-loud encore ofLoughborough Suicide and She’sAttracted To brought the eveningto a wonderfully satisfying close.The Young Knives are a simpleband who play simple music, butthey did everything that wasasked of them, and it would havebeen a major challenge not to enjoythe gig. They haven’t changedduring their brief absence, andwhat a good thing too.Hugo Gyealbumsevery right-minded personshould ownBlack in BlackAC/DCMade in the days when condomswere nothing more thana fun alternative to partyballoons, drinking and drivingwas just a good laugh, and40-a-day habits were thoughtto be actively good for you (andlistening to the vocals here,it’s hard to disagree), Back inBlack, the archetypal hymnto the joys of sex, drugs, androck ‘n’ roll, is the band’s fittingtribute to their late great previouslead singer, Bon Scott. Scotthad died in Spinal Tap-esquecircumstances (“You can’t dustfor vomit…”) in the February ofthat year; by April AC/DC had anew lead singer, Brian Johnson.Johnson, a coalminer’s sonfrom Newcastle, doesn’t quitepossess the extraordinary voicethat made Scott so duly famous,but his distinctive wail giveslife and soul to some of thefilthiest lyrics ever committedto vinyl. From the opening linesof the first track, Hell’s Bells,it’s clear that the band aren’tlooking for lyrical finesse: afterand ominous and spine-tinglingbuild up, Johnson screams “I’mrolling thunder, pouring rain,I’m coming on like a hurricane”.The song continuesalong this vein as, indeed, doesthe album. Innuendo abounds:when Johnson talks about‘Givin’ the Dog a Bone’, we canbe fairly sure he’s not stockingup on Winalot. A personal favouriteis the immensely crudeLet Me Put My Love Into You,in which we come across surelythe best couplet in rock history:“Let me put my love into you,babe, let me put my love on theline / Let me put my love intoyou, babe, let me cut your cakewith my knife”.There’s no Coldplay-esqueintrospection here, but so what?42 million sales later, Back inBlack is the second best-sellingalbum of all time. Unlike somany of today’s feeble excusesfor rock bands, AC/DC do actuallyrock, and they do it inspades. Whilst a modern rockalbum will shuffle up to youand tentatively tap you on theshoulder, Back in Black swingsin off the chandelier, slams itscodpiece in your face, lights amatch on three days’ stubble,and shouts at the barman for apint and a pack of pork scratchings.It’s not big or clever, butthat’s exactly the point. As thealbum’s closing lines remind us,“rock and roll ain’t noise pollution/ rock and roll is just…rockand roll”. It is just rock and roll,but when it’s this good, you reallywon’t care.George Reynolds

32VIEWListingsListings Editors: Josh Farrington, Verity Simpsonlistings@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/listingspickoftheweekfi lm theatre music other going outNot One LessSat 3rd Nov, Old Labs,Newnham Gardens, 20.00Newnham Film Society onceagain provides the studentbody with another fantasticfree film. Trip along thisweek for Zhang Yimou’sdocu-style offering, a directorwho has earned the accolade“no one makes more beautifulfilms, no one capturesthe intrinsic character ofthe Chinese people moreindelibly.” Using a troupe ofnon-professional actors,Not One Less focuses onMinzhi, a thirteen-year-oldsubstitute-teacher in theChinese countryside, asshe attempts to keep herstudents in the classroom andaway from the big city.The History BoysFri 2 Nov - Sat 3 Nov,Cambridge Arts Theatre,19.45I went to see this play (well,its film version at least) withmy friend - let’s call him Neb- who sat through the wholething laughing at the northernaccents. Mind you, he alsocalls buses “peasant wagons”,so I shouldn’t really haveexpected him to hold the mostenlightened views. Anyway,safe to say that he probablydidn’t have to struggle intoOxbridge the way these youngchaps do, as Alan Bennettexplores the meaning ofeducation, class, sexuality, andall that other stuff he usuallydoes. I’m legally obliged to usethe term “national treasure”.Jools Holland and hisRhythm and BluesOrchestraCorn Exchange, 19.00He seems a bit possessive ofthat old Rhythm and Blues Orchestra,doesn’t he? It’s not justany Rhythm and Blues Orchestra.It’s his. Get away from it.He doesn’t know where you’vebeen. Go back to your seats,preferably in the balcony.From Reason toRevolution: Artand Society in 18thCentury BritainFitzwilliam Museum, Tues- Sat 10.00 - 17.00, Sun 12.00 -17.00, FreeThe numerous paradoxes ofthe so-called ’Age of Reason’are explored through highlightsfrom the FitzwilliamMuseum’s eighteenth-centurycollections: paintings, prints,drawings, rare books, ceramics,sculpture - many from theFounder’s original bequest.Take an afternoon off fromthe fifth week despondencyand indulge yourself in themeditative and uplifting joy ofbeautiful, beautiful art. Go onyou plebs, go!RumboogieWed 7 Oct, Ballare, 21.00-02.00,£4/£5“Surely this is ironic!?” youask, one eyebrow knowinglyraised. Well, no. We’ve swallowedour sense of shame andpride and are willingly givingourselves up to the sweaty,cheesy fun. Sure, the drinkscan be pricey. Yes, maybe thequeue is a bit long for anyonewho doesn’t own a peculiarlyhuedblazer. And of course,the music is the kind of stuffthey used to play to kids inleukemia wards in the earlynineties. But what the hell!Make the most of it whilstyou’re young and happy.Psyche. This was ironic, and itwill be terrible.fridaysaturdaysunday2345678Elizabeth: The Golden AgeVue, 14.30, 17.10, 20.00Zanzibar Soccer Queens +Q&A with director FlorenceAyisiBuckingham House LectureTheatre, New Hall, 20.15The Memory ThiefArts Picturehouse, 17.00Sisters-in-LawBuckingham House LectureTheatre, New Hall, 15.00MoolaadeAs above, New Hall, 20.00Elizabeth: The Golden AgeVue, 11.50, 14.30, 17.10, 20.00FaroArts Picturehouse, 17.00Death at a FuneralVue, 13.20, 15.40, 17.50, 20.10The History BoysCambridge Arts Theatre,19.45Mr KolpertADC Theatre, 21.00The Fall of the House ofUsherADC Theatre, 23.00The History BoysCambridge Arts Theatre,19.45Mr KolpertADC Theatre, 21.00The Fall of the House ofUsherADC Theatre, 23.00The theatre has existed forthousands of years. Comechildren. Behold its deaththroes.Shychild and the WhipSoul Tree, 19.00Simone WhiteThe Boathouse, 19.30BBC Electric Proms 2007Junction, 19.00Jools Holland and his Rhythmand Blues OrchestraCorn Exchange, 19.00Deacon BlueCorn Exchange, 19.30Songs in the DarkClowns, 20.00, acoustic night.No Oasis covers to be found,hopefully.Marc-Henri Auffeve, Sketchesof EthiopiaFitzwilliam, photographicexhibitionLunchtime ConcertKettle’s Yard, 13.10 - 13.50Dante Quartet in residenceat King’s - The ThreatenedIdyllKing’s College, 20.00Henrik HakanssonKettle’s Yard, 11.30 - 17.00From Reason to Revolution:art and society in 18thcentury BritainFitzwilliamThe Get DownSoul Tree, £4 before 22.00Friday FezFez, 22.00-03.30, £5 before23.30, £7 thereafterGeneratorKambar, 22.00-03.30, £3InstinctSoul Tree, £6 before 22.00The Indie ThingKambar, 22.00-03.30, £2 before22.30, £3 with NUS, £5The Sunday ServiceClub 22, 22.00-03.00, £4/£5mondayEastern PromisesVue, 21.10Drawing Restraint 9Arts Picturehouse, 14.15To Have and Have NotArts Picturehouse, 18.30The Importance of BeingEarnestCambridge Arts Theatre,19.45In the film Music and Lyrics,Hugh Grant points out that a 3minute pop song can be the mostpowerful weapon known to man.And you know what? He’s right.Exhibitions of works by CatherineDormor and BeverlyAyling-SmithNew Hall, 10.00 - 18.00Fat Poppadaddy’sFez, 22.00-03.30 £3/£4RenacimientoSoul Tree, free before 23.00,£3/£4 after 00.00Just how many times can thisbe ‘reborn’?tuesdayDeath at a FuneralVue, 15.40, 17.50, 20.10Eastern PromisesVue, 21.10The Great DictatorArts Picturehouse, 13.30An Inspector CallsFitzpatrick Hall, Queens’,19.30Footlights SmokerADC Theatre, 23.00The Importance of BeingEarnestCambridge Arts Theatre,19.45HT: Sunburned Hand of theMan + The Doozer + UMThe Portland Arms, 20.00Marc-Henri Auffeve, Sketchesof EthiopiaFitzwilliam, photographicexhibitionThe CallingKambar, 21.00 - 02.00 £3/£4EbonicsFez, 22.00-03.00, £2/£4wednesdaySoc Doc Soc/ StudentAction for Refugeespresents Ghosts +documentary ondestitutionGraduate Union, 17 MillLane, 20.00Fame - The MusicalADC Theatre, 19.45The Zoo StoryADC Theatre, 23.00The Importance of BeingEarnestCambridge Arts Theatre,19.45Insouciant nihilism in pop musicmakes me hard.Also, listen to Tiziano Ferro.James Lisney - PianoWest Road Concert Hall,19.30, £12/£5, Mozart: Rondoin A minor K511, Menuet inD, k355-576b and Eine KleineGigue, K574, Schubert: ImpromptusD899 and D935MelamondoFez, 22.00-03.00, free before22.00, £3 after 00.00RumboogieBallare, 21.00-02.00, £4/£5Go and participate in a soullessrendition of Cotton Eye Joe.thursdayGood Luck ChuckVue, 18.00, 20.40Lovers of the Arctic CircleArts Picturehouse, 17.00Elizabeth: The Golden AgeArts Picturehouse, 13.00,15.30, 18.00, 20.30Fame - The MusicalADC Theatre, 19.45The Zoo StoryADC Theatre, 23.00The Importance of BeingEarnestCambridge Arts Theatre,19.45Vincent Vincent and theVillainsPortland Arms, 20.00No Effects?Institute of Criminology,17.30-19.30, Dr Manuel Eisnertalks on scientific and politicalimplications of a universalearly violence prevention trial.Freak OffLa Raza, 21.00-01.00, £3Mystery Jets DJ SetFez, 22.00-03.00, price tbcPink Party (Breast CancerCare)River Bar, 20.00-00.00, £8/£10More Film...Sixth Cambridge AfricanFilm FestivalFri 2 Nov - Sun 4th Nov, NewHall/Arts Picturehouse, detailsabove.If Elizabeth isn’t for you, oryou’re just bored of the same oldVue cinema offerings, try thisinstead. Not only is it free (alwaysappealing) but it promises to beenjoyable, thought provokingand even francophone. Not youraverage then. And it’s not justthis weekend, no, it’s everyweekend of November. Thisweek’s theme is women in Africanfilm, incorporating tradition andreligion along the way. There willbe four offerings from Tanzania,Cameroon, Senegal and Mali,the first three screenings free atNew Hall, and the final screeningat the Arts Picturehouse. Thefestival has been running forthe past few years to greatacclaim, and this year’s is sureto continue the fine tradition.Not to be missed. Unless yourname is James Watson. Detailsfor can be found at www.cambridgeafricanfilmfestival.co.ukVincent Vincent and theVillainsThur 8 Nov,Portland Arms, 20.00The other day my friend waspointing out how bad band namesare these days. “They’re just anyrandom collections of nouns andadjectives, aren’t they?” he said.“What about Rage Against the Machine?”I said. “They have a verb.”Anyway, point is, he was right, mostband names are crap. So is VincentVincent and the Villains, but themusic might be pretty good.Queens’ Ents Rumble inthe JungleSat 3 OctQueens’ Fitzpatrick Hall,9.30-12.45Jungles are fun places because youcan see wonderful beasties therelike tigers, unicorns and sloths.Sometimes you also see a man witha gun like the man on the right.But they are much funner whenlegendary DJ Ollie Riley-Smith ison the decks, the drinks are cheapas bananas and the tunes are biggerthan the Amazon rainforest. Arriveearly or you’ll lose all your friends.

When we can’t tell youwhat you’ll be doingtomorrow becauseyou’ve not comeup with it yet.We believe that what we are doing today will help us becomethe BP we want to be tomorrow. Our business is the exploration,production, refining, marketing, trading and distribution ofenergy; and we have nearly 100,000 people in 100 countriesacross six continents. In this age of growing consumer demandand environmental urgency, we are always looking to find newand better ways of delivering energy to the world – withoutcompromising the planet.Take up any one of our engineering, science and businessopportunities and you could be helping to find new reserves,create cleaner fuels, expand our capacity and market our brandsto over 15 million customers every day. Look beyond the limits.We’ll be at the Cambridge Autumn Careers Event at theUniversity Centre on Wednesday 7th and Thursday 8th November,between 1pm-6pm, so come along and talk to us there.BP is an equal opportunity employer.®bp.com/ukgraduatesVarsity are currently looking for editors anddesigners for the University of CambridgeGraduation Yearbook 2008. If you want to getinvolved, please email business@varsity.co.uk

news reader.news maker.Citi Day on CampusCiti invites candidates from any degree discipline whoare interested in summer internships to participatein the Cambridge University Day on Campus on the13th & 14th November 2007 at the University ArmsHotel, Newton Suite, Regent Street.Citi Day on Campus is designed to give you theopportunity to learn more about our 2008 SummerInternships and the daily activities across our businessareas, within our Markets & Banking division.Detailed below is the timetable of the day (please noteyou can come along for one or all of the sessions):Tuesday 13 November16:00 - 18:00: Trading GameWednesday 14 November09.30 - 11:30: Capital Markets Case Study11:30 - 13:00: Assessment Centre Skills Session13:00 - 14:00: Lunch14:00 - 16:00: Investment Banking Case StudyTo sign up for the Citi Day on Campus, please emailcampus.queries@citi.com stating Cambridge Day onCampus in the subject box, clearly indicating whichsession(s) you would like to attend. The spaces areallocated on a first come first served basis.We look forward to meeting you,Citi Graduate Recruitment© 2007 Citigroup Inc. Authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority. Citi and Arc Design and Let’s Get It Done are service marks of Citigroup Inc. Citigroup Inc. is an equal opportunity employer.

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsSend in your problemslifestyle@varsity.co.ukVIEWLifestyle35Clowning aroundAnna Woodtalks to RaffaeleColomboSauchella, proprietor ofCambridge’s favourite student hauntAunty AmySolves your problemsRaffaele Colombo in his beloved ClownsCAMsayStreetEpisode 5I am very excitedto be in england!hen I took over Clowns 21Wyears Wago, nobody knewhow to do real Italian food orcoffee. It took me forty days totake off. Everything that you seehere is Italian, apart from thefull English. We were prized byThe Independent as the best FullEnglish in East Anglia last year.Our success is down to theprices and the quality of the food.I import everything from Italy soit’s cheap compared from buyingfrom the big Italian stores inLondon. Secondly, I don’t needto overcharge because this isn’ta very expensive place to runin terms of staff. There are noprofessionals. Well I’m a professional,but I teach the staff.My tiramisu is an atomicbomb. Once you change thefood recipes at Clowns, you killeverything because you losethe original recipes. Unless twochefs are from the same cateringschool in Italy, we never passthe secrets on…We make coffee for the needsof the person. If you want towake up, espresso is wonderful(If you put in sugar it’s ruined).Each coffee has a reason whyit’s made that way and it shouldalways be at the right temperature.Nobody can touch me incoffee; I challenge anyone!Running a family businessis wonderful, but sometimesas a father, you put the fistdown; not to be nasty, but youhave to shout. Families are abig support and arguing withthem keeps you alive, youknow what I mean?It was time for the refurbishmentbecause although you canrepair your suit, it’s not nice,so you need to have a new suit.Clowns has always been lovedby people coming here, but Icould detect some people did notlike to take a meal here. Nowthey bring friends.For students cooking at homeon two hobs, there is a very simplething; pasta is the worldwidefood which doesn’t affect yourhealth; it helps your health andit gives you a lot of strength. Itdoesn’t take long to make a plateof pasta. Just good olive oil- extravirgin oil- and boil the pastaand get Parmesan cheese andthen you have a wonderful meal;cheap and wonderful.My last supper would be in atrattoria, with several courses.Not to criticise, but Englishpeople are happy with one courseand a coffee and a glass of wine.You students are on the run allthe time. Food is a different institutionall together in Italy.Young British people don’tfind time to prepare food. You’reonly eating proper food if you’reat home and you’re dedicatingyourself to the gas cooker.There are lots of recipe booksand it’s easy to do. But cookingtakes time and love. Now,nobody wants to know how todo it. But a simple pasta with aglass of wine works every time.If you look at religion, Our Lordleft us a piece of bread and aglass of wine; nice, minimal.I’ll still be enjoying it in 30years time, so I’ll be one hundredif I’m lucky. I love what I’ve created;this is my baby.But Olga seems to havea secret...Aunty Amy,I’m a third-year economist anticipatinga career as a banker.My primary ambition is tomake as much money as possibleand mix with well-shodstats-fiends. The difficulty isthat my parents are fairly stereotypicalleft-wing ex-hippies,and I’m certain they wouldn’tapprove. They think I spendall my time here studying socanth (which I gave up withinweeks of starting) and sortingout refreshments for SocialistSociety meetings. ThoughI appreciate the cakes theysend, I feel guilty deceivingthem, and I figure I should tellthem pretty soon. Any adviceon how to do it?CharlesDear Charles,If I were you, I’d start byAlex Englander talks toplanning exactly what tosay during The Big Chat.A plan always helpsthings run a bit moresmoothly and I alwaysthink that there’s nothingquite like it for helping withyour self-confidence. Jot downa few helpful notes, and workout how to break it to themgently. Instead of, “Uh you’llhate this, and you’ll cry”, try:“Hey! What say you to…?”Now, careful you don’t dothat dastardly trick of givingthem a piece of fake badnews news and then tellingthem that actually you werelying and that the real thingyou want to tell them isn’t soawful. “I’m really, really, seriouslysick… no I’m not, I’minto finance!” probably won’twork. And honestly, Charles,it’s unlikely you’ll be able toMadame le ClaireDear Madame Le Claire,I’m what you might call anearthy lass from the Midlands.I have an unquenchableappetite for local squaddies.But I’m starting to thinkthere’s no future with a kisstoday bomb tomorrow kindof guy. Could you suggestanywhere to meet a finer sortof gentleman.KH, JesusIt would be a terrible shame togive up on the military man.During her youthful gap yearin Boston, sister Colette livedwithin mincing distance ofthe Military Academy. Whenthe army lads came for theweekends Colette was alwaysat hand to assist with thetrickiest manoeuvres. Nimblething that she was, she deftlyhelped the men with theirtarget practice whenever thetime came for them to shoottheir load.Dear Madame Le Claire,What should we do with thedrunken sailor?PJ, St John’sWhat shouldn’t we do with thedrunken sailor?Dear Madame Le Claire,I’m having problems with mybedder. Whilst I appreciateher loquacity, I cannot helpbut think that she often stepsbeyond the mark. I don’t wantto end friendly relations withher (my bath won’t run itself,after all) but I think she oughtto know that there’s no needto be insulting. What can I do?DR, FitzHi Kim! Wouldyou like tojoin me?think of anythingthat would upset themmore than the actualtruth.The best tip of all?Compare yourselfto your siblings.Do you have any Charles?Make your mum and dad feelbetter about themselves bypointing out that this meansthat they haven’t completelyfailed as parents. Alternatively,if you reckon you’re animprovement on this brotheror sister, say so. Distractthem from you for a bit. Andthen give ‘em a cuddle.Thanks for writing inCharles,Your Aunty Amy xAmy Hoggart is the KCSU WelfareOfficer.As bouleverseé as I am tolearn that Fitz has domiciliarystaff I believe I can help.This reminds me of the timeI employed a young girl fromChampagne - Dieu knows whatI was thinking. Against overtprohibition, I would often findher poking about in the mostprivate areas of the Château LeClaire, and seriously suspectedher of sneakily nibbling onMonsieur Le Claire’s rillettes.One morning, whilst shewas tending the garden,she suggested a few poppieswouldn’t go amiss. Agreeing,I sent her off to southernAfghanistan and dropped a lineto Colette’s old military chums.Guantánamo Bay has its uses.Madame Le Claire is ChiefInterior Designer at the Sorbonne.Should I?Me also! Whenshall we get tomeet the queen?This is agreat party!but where isOlga?I’ll go lookfor her.Two international students havearrived on camsay street...

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© www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore© www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore© www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth MooreFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/sportWrite for this section:sport@varsity.co.ukSPORT37THE ANORAKCambridge’s comprehensive fixtures, tables and results service with Noel CochraneResultsBasketballMen’s Blues 70-50 Nottingham-Men’s II 36-51 Nottingham IIWomen’s Blues 51-32 NottinghamModern PentathlonNovice Varsity, Cambridge v Oxford,won 2400-2323.FootballMen’s Blues 1-3 Nottingham TrentMen’s II 2-1 Leicester IVWomen’s Blues 6-1Nottingham IIHockeyWomen’s Blues 3-1NottinghamWomen’s Blues 2-1 Birmingham IIWomen’s Blues 2-1 Old LoughtoniansIIWomen’s II 1-6 WarwickCollege 1 stdivision:Caius 1-2 St Catharine’sEmmanuel 1-6 Cambridge CityCorpus Christi 2-1 St JohnsEmmanuel 0-3 JesusP W D L GFGA GD PtsJESUS 2 2 0 0 5 1 4 6CORPUS CHRISTI 2 2 0 0 6 4 2 6CAMBRIDGE CITY 2 1 0 1 7 3 4 3ST CATHARINE’S 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3ST JOHN’S 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3CAIUS 2 0 0 2 4 6 -2 0EMMANUEL 2 0 0 2 1 9 -8 0College Division 2:Robinson 6-0 Sidney SussexQueens 4-0 Jesus IIP W DL GFGA GD PtsROBINSON 2 2 0 0 13 1 12 6DOWNING 2 2 0 0 5 1 4 6QUEEN’S 1 1 0 0 5 4 1 3CHURCHILL 2 1 0 1 5 2 3 3SIDNEY SUSSEX 3 1 0 2 3 10 -7 3CLARE 2 0 0 2 1 7 -6 0JESUS II 2 0 0 2 1 11 -10 0LacrosseWomen’s Blues 12-1 London,Women’s II 2-9 Birmingham IINetballWomen’s Blues 30-45 LoughboroughIIWomen’s II 44-33 StaffordshireRugbyRugby League Blues 18-10 StaffordshireWomen’s Rugby Union 20-12 WarwickCollege Division 1:Girton 5-16 St John’sJesus 25-0 DowningMagdalene 10-5 HomertonSt Johns 26-7 HomertonHomerton 5-72 JesusP W D L F A PtsST JOHN’S 4 4 0 0 63 18 16MAGDALENE 4 3 1 0 39 28 14JESUS 4 2 0 1 97 11 9GIRTON 4 1 0 3 96 49 7DOWNING 4 0 1 3 13 82 5HOMERTON 4 0 0 4 15 155 4College Divison 2:St Catharine’s 17-5 PeterhouseCaius 0-34 Trinity HallPembroke 12-27 TrinityTable TennisMen’s Blues v Middlesex, walkoverto Cambridge.Women’s Blues 1-4 WarwickTennisMen’s Blues 8-2 Nottingham IIVolleyballMen’s Blues 3-0 NottinghamWomen’s Blues 3-0 WarwickFixturesP W D L F A PtsST CATHARINE’S 3 3 0 0 90 15 12TRINITY HALL 3 2 1 0 62 27 10TRINITY 3 2 0 1 77 35 9CAIUS 3 0 0 3 17 111 3P’HOUSE/SELWYN 2 0 1 1 20 32 3PEMBROKE 2 0 0 2 17 61 2Basketball7/11, Men’s Blues v Wolverhampton,away.7/11, Men’s II v Northampton, away.7/11, Women’s Blues v Oxford, 17:00,home, St Ivo Leisure Centre.Football7/11, Men’s Blues v Staffordshire,home, Fenner’s Cricket Ground.7/11, Men’s II v Nottingham TrentIV, 14:00, home, Emmanuel SportsGround.7/11, Women’s Blues v WorcesterII, 14:00, home, Fitzwilliam SportsGround.HockeySaturday 3/11, Women’s Blues vHolcombe, away, Holcombe HockeyClub.7/11, Women’s Blues v LoughboroughII, away, Waterbase HockeyPitch.7/11, Women’s II v Birmingham IV,14:00, home, Wilberforce Road.College Divison 1:Sunday 4/11, Corpus Christi v CambridgeCity, 3:00pm, Leys School7/11, Caius v St Johns, 2:30pm, CatzAstro.College 2 nd division:Friday 2/11, Churchill v Sidney Sussex,1pm, WilberforceFriday 2/11, Clare v Downing,2:30pm, Wilberforce.Friday 9/11, Downing v Jesus II,1pm, Wilberforce Road.Friday 9/11, Queens v Robinson,2:30pm, Wilberforce Road.Lacrosse7/11, Women’s Blues v Oxford, 14:30,away, University Parks.7/11, Women’s II v Northampton,away.Modern PentathlonSat 3/11 & Sun 4/11, Sealions ModernPentathlon, Whitgift School,Croyden.Netball7/11, Women’s Blues v Oxford I, 16:00,home, Haverhill Leisure Centre.7/11, Women’s II v NottinghamTrent, 14:00, home, Haverhill LeisureCentre.College 1 stdivision, Week 5 games:St Catharine’s v Homerton.Downing v Emmanuel.Trinity v Trinity Hall.Girton v ChurchillJesus v St John’s.College Division 2, week 5 games:Queen’s v Homerton IICaius v PembrokePeterhouse v New HallNewnham v Downing IISidney Sussex v Emmanuel IIRugby7/11, Rugby League Blues v Coventry,away.7/11, Women’s Rugby Union v Nottingham,14:00, away, Highfields.College 1 stdivision:Tuesday 6/11, Homerton v Downing,2.15pmTuesday 6/11, St John’s v Magdalene,2.15pmTuesday 6/11, Girton v Jesus,2.15pmCollege 2 nd division:Thursday 8/11, St Catharine’s v TrinityHall, 2.15pmThursday 8/11, Trinity v Peterhouse,2.15pmThursday 8/11, Caius v Pembroke,2.15pmTennis7/11, Men’s Blues v Oxford Brookes,14:00, home, Next Generation Club.7/11, Women’s Blues v London Metropolitan,11:00, home, Next GenerationClubVolleyball7/11, Men’s Blues v Loughborough,home.7/11, Women’s Blues v Loughborough,home, 19:00, Manor CommunityCollege.Games & puzzlesVarsity crossword no. 473Across1 2 3 4 5 67 810 111412 1315 16 17 1820 21 22 2325 2627 287. Worried in ancient townhidden by well-shaped restingplace. (9)8. Inexperienced person in bushcould show embarrassment? (5)10. Or maniac stirred pasta. (8)11. Artist confused singer. (6)19912. Surge back and makechanges. (4)13. Excited and confused, Iancopulated. (8)15. Afterthought followed pushfor medical instrument. (7)17. Top art gallery made fromplastic. (7)20. Desire for some weekly24earnings. (8)22. Abandoned – not right. (4)25. Board Emily – woof! (6)26. Bird, spike, flower. (8)27. Twisted injury. (5)28. Newspaper (American) getsbehind a spring vegetable. (9)Down1. Pointed backwards for coffee.(5)2. Desert in London? (6)3. Argument over Arkansas –advice was sharp? (5,3)4. Marines reorganise meeting.(7)5. Standard tirade is clearly offensive.(8)6. True, he set out – but sheguided him? (9)9. Skirt the south of France. (4)14. No good man, in truthfulness,to expose himself onholiday. (9)16. Could be the end for furnishings?(8)18. Lice care about food. (8)19. Grow more slowly – forever?(7)21. Dark smelly lost street. (4)23. Some stuff is calculated interms of finances. (6)24. Wait for a letter, perhaps. (5)Set by Leah HolroydACROSS: 1 STEM, 4 CRASS, 7 AS IF, 10 BELGRANO, 11 MAKE DO, 12 PARAPH, 13 VISIGOTH, 15 OPIE, 16 MAN AND WIFE, 18 TAPESTRIES, 21 NOEL, 22 OSTI-NATO, 24 EXEUNT, 25 LENNON, 26 NIHILIST, 27 DROP, 28 DRAWN, 29 SIDEDOWN: 2 THEBAN PLAYS, 3 MAGDALENE, 4 CLAPHAM, 5 AMOR VINCIT OMNIA, 6 SIMPSON, 8 SEE TO, 9 FROTH, 14 TOFFEE-NOSED, 17 WENCESLAS, 19TRAINED, 20 STEPHEN, 22 OILED, 23 TANGOCOMPETITIONWin a pair of tickets to the Arts PicturehouseRe-arrange the letters by rotating the discs to create sixseparate six-letter words leading in to the centre. Email youranswer to competitions@varsity.co.ukEIBNGTMCar PartsUMDARRPOHEECUUCNREPNRFCSudokuThe object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy onlyone condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain thedigits 1 through 9 exactly once.© www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore12345858319245R82HEBIC67581493712839MADE BY ADAM EDELSHAINwww.puzzlemix.com / MADE BY GARETH MOOREKakuroFill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total inthe box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and neveruse a number more than once per run (a number may reoccurin the same row in a separate run).© www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore63286141191617Hitori1413131815831612Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more than onceper row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally orvertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area.© www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore76133427 21652471720 48126 2 9 3451 3 17 4 12112 9 5 71611 8 7 1 129146 3 9 5695 1 2 7475724676563264243575273566423251673164717235156256741635246333Last week’s solutions255743282516743973482965111325249615437823569781241926348754872153965647353513796248279481563648352917www.puzzlemix.com / MADE BY GARETH MOOREwww.puzzlemix.com / MADE BY GARETH MOORE

38 SPORTSport editor: Simon Allen & George Towerssport@varsity.co.ukFriday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/sportGamblersUnanimousEd Peace &Niall RaffertyIt was back to earth with a bang forus this week, as three losing betsmade a nasty indent on the rewardsof four weeks hard graft on the bettingshop floor. After two dismal resultson the football, we were prayingthat Dylan Thomas would get usout of jail. It wasn’t to be, however,as the nag’s lacklustre performancesuggested he was more concernedwith getting back into his box andaway from the appalling conditionsthan crossing the finishing line infront.We’ll be looking to the Soap Operathat is Tottenham Hotspur FootballClub for this week’s banker. All eyeswill be on Spurs’ visit to the Riversideon Saturday, and new managerRamos has publicly stated that hehopes to achieve results quickly inorder to breed confidence. In fact,Ramos’s timing couldn’t have beenmuch better, as Middlesbroughaway is the first of a series ofgames against some of the PremierLeague’s lesser lights. Boro havealready lost to Spurs in the LeagueCup, suffering the ignominy of failingto score against Tottenham’snotoriously leaky defence. Now onepoint above the bottom three, theygo into this with just one home winunder their belt. With a new managerat the helm, and the playersdesperate to impress, we’ll back Tottenhamto steal all three points.Fresh from a pulsating encounteragainst the superb Arsenal atAnfield, Liverpool travel to EwoodPark in the hope that they cankeep pace with the League leaders.It’s exactly the sort of fixture thatRafa Benitez will dread: the supporterswill be demanding victorybut Blackburn are an underratedteam in fine form. Since the 6-0rout of Derby, the Reds have lostto average European opponents inthe form of Marseille and Besiktas,and have stuttered to draws withPortsmouth, Birmingham and Tottenham.A 1-0 success at Wigan anda referee-assisted last-gasp win atGoodison Park suggests that Benitezstill has a lot of work to do, andthat Mark Hughes’ team could juststeal a point.We go all the way to Australiato try and find the value bet of theweek. The Melbourne Cup, billed as‘the race that stops a nation,’ is thetitle to win for Australian horses.However, we reckon the Irish bred‘Purple Moon’ should have the staminato see off any native rivals. Hewas unlucky not to win last time outand, with an experienced local jockeybooked for the ride, he should putin a bold run. That only two Europeanhorses have ever won the raceis a slight concern, so it might pay toback the gelding each way.THE BANKERTOTTENHAM TO BEATMIDDLESBOROUGH13/8£3PREDICTION 12/5BLACKBURN & LIVERPOOL TODRAW£3THE LONG SHOT 5/1PURPLE MOON TO WIN THEMELBBOURNE CUP £2e.w.RUNNING TOTAL £23.17Blues left kicking themselves»Disappointing loss against a side Cambridge could have beatenBLUES1COVENTRYSean BurtFootball Correspondent3As the sun set on Fenner’s Groundon Wednesday afternoon, CambridgeUniversity suffered their secondstraight defeat in the BUSA Leagueafter being soundly beaten by CoventryUniversity by three goals toone. Despite drawing in the returnfixture only three weeks ago, AnthonyMurphy’s Blues were well beatenby the stronger and better organizedaway side.The dark blues were immediatelymore aggressive both physically andmentally than the home side. Theytook the lead after only three minutesafter the Cambridge back fourfailed to clear a cross from the left.The ball was played back in fromthe right and the Coventry numbertwelve was unmarked to head insidethe near post from six yards.For the next twenty minutes neitherside could take control of thegame and both sides wasted halfchances as their defences had troubleclearing long balls into the box.As the game began to be contestedon the half way line, the bigger Coventrymidfield began to stamp theirauthority on the game in more waysthan one as tempers began to boilover. After a number of strong challengesthe referee began to lose hisgrip on the game as every decisionP W D L GFGA GD PtsCOVENTRY 4 2 1 1 11 7 4 7STAFFORDSHIRE 2 2 0 0 6 4 2 6CAMBRIDGE 4 1 1 2 10 11 -1 4LOUGHBOROUGH III 2 1 0 1 6 5 1 3NOTTINGHAM TRENT 2 1 0 1 4 3 1 3WOLVERHAMPTON 2 0 0 2 3 10 -7 0Mattie Gethin tries to break free from some tough Coventry defendingwas loudly contested by both sidesand Coventry again took control. Afterfiring a free kick straight at theCambridge keeper, Coventry squanderedtwo good chances to furthertheir lead, first miss-kicking in frontof goal and then seeing a deflectedshot well blocked by Dean in thehome goal. As the first half drew toa close, Cambridge were reduced toonly posing a threat from set piecesas they were stopped from gettingthe ball down and playing football.The second half began where thefirst had finished with another booking,this time for the light blues fora late tackle. Coventry continued todominate and wasted another twogood chances before the inevitableWarwick edge out BluesRICHARD WESTCambridge’s Basketball Blues were defeated by a strong Warwick teamhappened. After a long ball over thetop, Dean in the Cambridge goal wasunable to hold onto the ball underpressure and the Coventry centreforward slotted home an easy goal.With half an hour left Cambridgefinally sparked into life and begantheir search for the two goals neededto tie level. A shot from 20 yards outflew just wide before Matt Gethinheaded wide as the home side cameinto the game. As the match openedup, Dean saved well from close in beforethe Cambridge forwards wereagain unable to take advantage fromCaptain’sCornerTennisJon TassellJon is a third year undergradstudying management at Girton.ExperienceI started really young age five andwas invited to Wimbledon agedeight. I won the Northern divisionin the North East Short Tennis.I’ve moved on from there: I wentpro at 18 and lived in Germany fora year and played the European andAmerican circuits. Then I returnedto Cambridge in 2005 and have beenSTEVE SMITHa good chance. With less than 20minutes to go Cambridge pulled oneback when Anthony Murphy headedin from a deep free kick.Two more dark blues went into thebook before Cambridge finally beganto play the football they were stoppedfrom playing before half time and thegame was momentarily wide open.Both keepers were forced into savesand Cambridge saw a shot headed offthe line before the away side brokeaway down the right and the forwardback heeled past an exposed Dean towrap up the game.playing in the Blues team sinceScheduleWe train six hours a week, withmatches every Wednesday and nationalclub league on Sundays, representingNext Generation Cambridge.We’re lucky to have NickBrown, a former British Davis Cupplayer as our coach. He’s good, theguy beat Goran at Wimbledon!FacilitiesThis year we have an aggreementwith Next Generation Health Clubsto use their facilities and have priorityin our training hours. We’re verygrateful for their help because unlikeother universities, Cambridgedoes not have it’s own indoor facilities.Season so farIt’s looking good so far. Played twowon two, and hoping for promotioninto the BUSA Premier LeagueInside track on OxfordVarsity is still a long way off, rumourhas it that they have a newnumber one this year but our squadhas renewed depth: returning Blueswith Fresher talent thrown in. It’llbe tight but I reckon we can make itthree years in a row.The Blues next match is on November14 away against Nottingham firstteam, a key match in their season.

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/sportWrite for this section:sport@varsity.co.ukSPORT39Old firm thriller drawn» Samuelson hat-trick not enough as spirited Jesus stay topJESUSHINDSON 45KURWIE 55, 653ST. JOHN’SSAMUELSON 10, 15, 58Ed WillisSports Reporter3The two major forces of the collegehockey game came head to head onWednesday. But you wouldn’t haverealised it five minutes before thestart as Jesus and John’s casuallyknocked hockey balls around againstthe crisp autumnal background ofthe Granchester meadows. It wasthe calm before the storm.John’s flew at Jesus from the firstwhistle; sharp, first to every balland full of guile in attack. Withina minute captain James Goldsmithfed an intelligent through ball intothe path of Oli Samuelson, who finishedcoolly into the bottom corner.Worse was to come for Jesus, whenthe ball again found its way to Samuelsonafter good work from MartinMacQuarrie down the right handside, and some non-existent defendingleft him with the simple task oftapping in to make it 2-0.P W D L GFGA GD PtsJESUS 2 2 0 0 5 1 4 6CORPUS CHRISTI 2 2 0 0 6 4 2 6CAMBRIDGE CITY 2 1 0 1 7 3 4 3ST CATHARINE’S 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3ST JOHN’S 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3CAIUS 2 0 0 2 4 6 -2 0EMMANUEL 2 0 0 2 1 9 -8 0How they stood before this fixtureJesus were stunned, forced tospectate as John’s zipped the ballaround, creating neat triangles andproducing some entertaining hockey.Captain Goldsmith was in completecontrol, sweeping up everythingin front of the back three andkeeping possession with immaculatedistribution. At this stage, anysort of contest seemed as good asover. Theo Burke was imperious inthe middle of the park, fed by thecomposed passing of Chris Paluchdown the left.As Jesus found their feet though,an element of structure returnedto proceedings as both sides madeplain their intention to play good,attractive hockey. The ball wasbeing played well across the backlines as both teams looked to buildSport In BriefBasketball Blues beatenat the last by WarwickThe Cambridge Blues lost out 86– 87 against Warwick.They started off with a fast-pacedoffence that capitalised on wellexecutedfast breaks. However,Warwick mounted an equally impressiveoffensive in the first quarterand held the lead by five pointsafter ten minutes of play.Following Blues substitutions,a trapping defence by Warwickextended the lead to 13 at the half.But the Blues battled back in thethird quarter. The fourth quarterended with a tie and the game enteredovertime. Warwick quicklyassumed a 5 point lead, but theBlues pulled it back but in the endcouldn’t clinch the game.Jesus rallied after John’s had stormed into an early leadattacks from deep. The momentumbegan to shift in the later stages ofthe first half as Jesus grew in confidence,often constructing attacksOne to Watch»Chris RobinsonPosition:John’s GoalkeeperStrengths:Shot stopping. Chris pulled offsome great, athletic saves to denyJesus strikersClosing down attack- comes offhis goal line quickly to cut offshotsRugby Blues fail tocapitalise against EsherLast Tuesday the Rugby Blues tookon Esher away on a cold, frostyevening. Despite a strong opening20 minutes, Cambridge were unableto convert pressure into points andthen let in a couple of soft tries toallow Esher to get ahead. The Blueswill not be happy with the 29-12 lossand will have to target a big winagainst London Irish next weekUniversity Fours updateFirst and Third Trinity BC narrowlyavoided being knocked out of theUniversity IVs competition by twofar less experienced Downing crews.Whilst the FaT IV- defeated an inexperiencedClare boat, which struggledto find form at any point on thecourse, both IV+ boats were pushedhard by some rapid Downing crews.Downing appeared to find their formin the Autumn Head a fortnight agoand went into the competition withhigh hopes. The ladies final will seethe Emmanuel boat face a dominantChrist’s IV+. . Both crews are drawnfrom some of the most experiencedsquads on the Cam and carry withthem high hopes for the FairbairnsCup. The finals will go off at 2pmthis afternoon.MICHAEL DERRINGERfrom the right through Ben Moores.On a couple of occasions they werea stick’s width away from divertingcrosses into the net, and Nick Pettycame agonisingly close, followinga short corner. It was at this stagethat new John’s keeper Chris Robinsonbegan to shine, pulling off anumber of astonishing saves andvisibly frustrating Jesus captainJames Waters. Despite their dominanceleading up to the interval, Jesuscould not find the breakthroughand John’s went into half time twogoals to the good.Jesus continued where they left offat the start of the second period, andwithin minutes they had a goal back.The impressive James Madden setoff on a marauding run from deep,slipped the ball to James Hindsonwho coolly flicked home on his reverseside. The pace and thoughtfulrunning of Ed Bush and Chris Kurwiewas starting to panic the John’sdefence, no longer the confident unitthat started the game. Suddenly itwas all square as Kurwie benefitedfrom a smart short corner routine toscore.It seemed a matter of time beforeJesus would get the third, butto their credit, John’s were not preparedto lie down and once again thisremarkable game produced a surprise.Against the run of play, John’smounted a break away and after aJack Yeland shot was parried, Samuelsonwas able to complete his hattrick,to the disbelief of the Jesusplayers. 3-2 to John’s and from thenon, the game settled into a familiarpattern, as Jesus threw everythingat the heroic Robinson’s goal. Eventuallythe pressure told as John’sNeither captain wassatisfied at the finalwhistledallied in midfield, and Kurwie againpounced on a good cut back from theright to fire in the equaliser.The score line stayed at 3-3 for thelast few minutes and although neithercaptain was satisfied at the finalwhistle, it was probably a fair reflectionon a pulsating game of hockey.Lax Girls take on ExeterStanley leads the chargeOn Wedesday the Lacrosse Bluesplayed host to Exeter at the Queen’spitches. The team performed well,romping home with an impressive10-2 victory over a shambolic Westcountry side.News from theRiverThis past weekend featured ourfirst trip to the Tideway, the infamousstretch of the Thamesthat runs through Central London.Aptly named, the river ismassively tidal, with depths fluctuatingby up to ten meters onextreme tides. It is an unforgivingstretch of water, but one thatwe must come to embrace, as itplays host to the Boat Race everyyear. And until I become wealthyenough to buy the stretch of theThames between Putney andMortlake, drain it, and turn it intoa Go-Cart track, we will unfortunatelyhave to continue loving themiserable conditions it provides.Weekly trips to London necessitatea more urgent schedulethroughout the week. We have topack up boats and ship them afterpractice to London, where theywill be subsequently unpackedand stored in our boathouse therefor the weekend’s outings. ComeSunday afternoon, this process isreversed for the return to Cambridge.Supervisions and lecturesmust be crammed into one of thethree days we are home, sinceThursday morning marks ourreturn to London to contest theFours race I spoke of last week.But despite the stress and constraintsthese trips impose on ourschedule, I think I speak for theteam in saying we look forward tothem. It offers a welcome breakfrom the monotony of training atEly, absent from any boats otherthan those composed of your teammates.And the Thames, althoughchoppy and plagued by boat traffic,is something one comes toform a love-hate relationship withafter weeks spent cursing it. Ithas sunk crews before, includingmost recently a near sinking ofthe 2006 boat, yet that is somethingwe cherish rather than fear.Our mentality is reminiscent ofMuhammad Ali’s in his preparationfor the Rumble in the Jungle,his famous bout with thenHeavyweight champion GeorgeForeman. In the two months leadingup to the fight, Ali employedthe heaviest-hitting boxers hecould find to pummel him againstthe ropes, sometimes for hourson end. The constant abuse wasmeant to acclimatize his body tothe sort of blunt trauma he wouldexperience in fighting Foreman.And it worked. The rope-a-dopestrategy wore Foreman down untilAli could deliver several knockoutblows, eventually ending Foreman’sreign in the eighth round.I will never claim that our afternoonson the Tideway are remotelysimilar to or as intense as Ali’spreparation. However, the intentionand design is the same. Whena massive barge hauls down the riverand creates a wake that breaksover our bow, everyone in the crewresponds with bursts of strength,never anger. We take pride in themisery of our water, and train everyday to own the most uncomfortablevenue imaginable, much likethe ropes Ali dug into during theseven rounds of hell he enduredbefore delivering his final blow.Spencer Griffin Hunsberger

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/sportSPORTNetball nailbiter»Crawshaw inspires Blues fightback to stun BirminghamFootballers loseout to Coventryp38Tennis Bluesseal top spotCAMBRIDGE6LOUGHBOROUGH II4CAMBRIDGE35Varsity CorrespondentBIRMINGHAM II33Henry StannardSports EditorHaving lost narrowly last weekaway against Loughborough, thenetball girls were back on homeground in the post-apocalypticsetting of Haverhill looking tomake it three wins out of fouragainst a strong Birmingham side.The Birmingham team, relyingheavily on the stunning vision andpassing ability of their pivotal centre,seized the initiative with a seven-goalblitz midway through thefirst quarter, helped both by the fluidityof their attacking movementand some sloppy passing by theBlues. Worse was to follow for Cambridge,as they spent the closingstages of the quarter camped out inthe final third and yet were unableto engineer many clear scoring positionsfor Goal Shooter Bec Crawshaw,who was enjoying an evenlymatched aerial battle with herstrong but agricultural defensivecounterpart, ending the quarter onegoal behind the Midlanders at 12-11.The next two quarters saw littlechange. While the Blues huffed andpuffed to ram their way into shootingpositions, the Birmingham girls,confident in the pace and guile oftheir counter-attack, converted interceptionsinto points with almostmetronomic regularity. The constantrunning of all-action Wing AttackEmma Darke proved a reliable outletas the Blues remained in contentionwhilst never quite gaining the lead.The Cambridge team reachedthe final quarter still in it with thescore 22-25. They started strongly,reducing the deficit to one pointbefore some fumbling in the finalthird denied them taking thelead. At the other end disciplinestarted to evaporate as the defencewere found guilty of obstructionwith increased regularity, giftingeasy chances to the opposition.As the half drew to a close withCambridge down 32-26, it lookedas though they had been beaten,with the Birmingham playersalready looking forward toreturning home with a victory.It was then that the entire complexionof the match changed.Starting with a superb interceptionby Sarah Warren, Cambridge wentup the other end and put Nicholsonin what looked to be a sure-firescoring position in front of the net,when the Birmingham centre, in adisgraceful act of gamesmanship,went down feigning injury to delaythe shot and put off the shooter.Nicholson, however, seemed unperturbedand coolly slotted home.Cambridge then suddenly foundthe belief to penetrate the Birminghamdefence at will, with Crawshawlooking unstoppable and Nicholsongrubbing every rebound inCambridge TeamsheetGK: Kerry BloxhamGD: Sarah Warren (C)WD: Sophie Hebbelthwaite SharpC: Rachel Rose SmithWA: Emma Darke/Amy TillGA: Jo NicholsonGS: Rebecca CrawshawReserve: Heather EmmersonBUSA Netball - Midlands ConferenceWomen’s 1A 2007/08P W D L F A PtLOUGHBOROUGH II 3 3 0 0 140 101 9OXFORD 3 2 0 1 147 77 6CAMBRIDGE 3 2 0 1 107 105 6BIRMINGHAM III 3 1 0 2 79 131 3BIRMINGHAM II 3 1 0 2 115 114 3NOTTINGHAM II 3 0 0 3 80 140 0sight. Rachel Rose Smith at Centrealso gained mastery over hertricky counterpart and was finallyable to dictate the attacking play.When a Crawshaw long shotlevelled the scores with ninetyseconds remaining, there was onlyever going to be one winner. Thebeleaguered Birmingham girls,stunned by the ferocity of the Cambridgecomeback seemed almost tostep aside for Crawshaw to pop upand calmly score the goal that putCambridge comeback in the dying seconds brought them the winthem 34-33 ahead, before anotherfine interception by Warren led toanother goal on the final whistle.It was a phenomenal team performanceby this young Bluesside to haul themselves back intoa game they had trailed sincethe third minute, and afterwardsSOPHIE PICKFORDteam captain Warren raved aboutthe spirit demonstrated by hersquad, admitting that “at fivegoals down none of us really imaginedthis would happen.” Ifthey carry on playing as they finishedhere nothing will be beyondthe scope of their imagination.On Wednesday the Tennis Bluestravelled away to Loughborough toplay their university’s second team.In what turned out to be a grippingfixture, the Blues edged out the oppositionto win 6-4, sending them to thetop of their BUSA Midlands division.At first it looked as though Cambridgewould cruise home to a comfortablevictory as the first doublespair eased to an 8-3 win in an extendedBUSA doubles set. But the otherdoubles match proved to be trulymemorable: coming back after savingthree match points the Cambridgepair took it to a tie break whichthey won 12-10. One of the newestmembers of the team, Nick Jenkinsshowed his ability to perform underpressure, putting away some baseline volleys on his second serve to defendmatch points.Cambridge came out of the doublesmatch 2-0 up but the heavierweighting of the singles matchesmeant that there was still everythingto play for. New boy Jenkinscame up against a very strongLoughborough player who edgedthe fourth seed out, but the Bluescaptain, Jon Tassell dominated inan easy straight sets victory over ayounger, less experienced opponent.Cambridge’s number three seedJohn Western ensured victory witha clinical defeat of his opponent, theLoughborough number two seed. Heserved out the match comfortably togive the Blues an unassailable six outof ten points. Rob Blythe’s defeat atthe hands of a very strong left-handercould not affect the final result andCambridge came home victorious,leap-frogging Loughborough to takethe top spot on their table.After the match the team’s captainJon Tassell described himself as“very pleased with the performance,especially the efforts of Nick Jenkinsin his debut Blues match. Jenkins andWestern showed some nerve to fendoff three match points.”Cambridge now go on to play OxfordBrookes next Wednesday inwhat should prove an easy matchbefore taking on Nottingham later inNovember.