in Child Welfare - The Trauma Center

A Birth Parent’s Perspective: What Happened?Pamela TooheyAs a Parent Partner, in San Diego, I providepeer-to-peer support to parents involved withthe child welfare system and its communitypartners. I recently attended a Team DecisionMaking (TDM) meeting as support forToni*, a 20 year old mom just released fromjail with two children under the age of three.Child Welfare scheduled the TDM to findsafe and suitable out-of-home care for Toni’schildren. Four days prior, their hotel roomwas raided by police. Toni and a 17-yearold friend were prostituting from the hotelroom with two minor children present. Alsostaying in the room was Toni’s current malepartner, the father of her seven month olddaughter and a known drug dealer. Policefound proof of prostitution along with drugsand paraphernalia. The adults were taken intocustody and so were the children.Present at the TDM, besides agencyprofessionals, were ten family membersincluding aunts, uncles, and grandparents.All of the family members claimed tobe clean and/or sober ranging from sixmonths to seventeen years. All but two ofthe family members had previous childwelfare involvement, and most had criminalbackgrounds as well. Now solid members oftheir community, their pasts may still preventthem being considered for placement of thechildren.This family’s story is just one of manythat I have heard. The families might lookdifferent with different cultures and socioeconomicalbackgrounds. Their presentconditions may or may not include: substanceabuse, domestic violence, mental health issues;neglect, endangerment, physical or sexualabuse of their children; and homelessness,but each and every adult I‘ve worked withreported an average of 4-5 adverse childhoodexperiences such as neglect, physical or sexualabuse, incarcerated or substance/alcoholabusing parents (acestudy.org). Many claimedtheir parents survived adverse childhoodexperiences as well.What if we asked the parents, those adultswho proclaim parental love of their childrenin spite of the situation they find themselvesCW360 o Trauma-Informed Child Welfare Practice • Winter 2013 29in, “What happened in your life as a child?”What if instead of viewing the adults asaddicts, criminals, co-dependents, mentallychallenged, and bad parents, we looked atthem as adult children who have survivedadverse childhood experiences and viewedtheir co-occurring conditions and maladaptivebehaviors as symptoms of having survivedthese experiences? What if we explored a newkind of genogram to determine how manyfamily members and ancestors displayedor presented the same life conditions orsituations as the parent? What would we find?In 1997, I was arrested and taken intocustody, and my three year old son was placedin foster care. I was charged with being underthe influence of methamphetamine, intentto sell, and child neglect and endangerment.I had a long history of substance abuse,domestic violence, and criminal activity. Mylife was in utter chaos, and my son was therewith me.I, too, was raised in a chaotic,dysfunctional home. My father was analcoholic, who served in the Army and spentWhat if instead of viewing the adults as addicts, criminals,co-dependents, mentally challenged, and bad parents, we looked atthem as adult children who have survived adverse childhood experiencesand viewed their co-occurring conditions and maladaptive behaviors assymptoms of having survived these experiences?most of his time away from home. He leftmy sister and me in the care of my mentallyill mother. Both sets of grandparents werealcoholics. I was molested as a child; sowere both of my parents and both maternaland paternal grandmothers. My paternalgrandmother, great-grandmother, and mymaternal grandmother became involvedin prostitution. So did I. My paternalgrandparents, maternal grandparents andgreat-grandparents were all involved in someform of criminal activity. So was I. They allabused and neglected their children. So did I.When would it stop?When I was arrested, there wereprofessionals concerned about my son’sphysical safety and development. Theyordered psychological testing for my son; noone asked about me. My son went to fostercare and had physical, developmental andmental health assessments and therapy. I wentthrough all of the court ordered services:substance abuse treatment, probation,parenting classes, and in-home supportservices. I changed my life. I regained custodyof my son. Yet no one thought to ask how Iwas doing or if I needed any help.In 2000, I received the trauma-focusedtherapy and help that I needed and so didmy son. I didn’t know to ask for it, so Ididn’t go looking for it; it found me. Myson was molested by a neighborhood youthwho had been in our home many times. Ididn’t know the red flags or recognize thesigns of possible danger because no one hadintervened, assessed, or educated me on myown molestation. If I had, this could havebeen prevented.I believe that adverse childhoodexperiences and the maladaptive behaviorswe develop in order to survive areintergenerational. I have learned to take arisk, to reach out and help educate the familymembers I work with, to understand theeffects of trauma. I ask, “What happened toyou as a child?” I refer them to appropriateand immediate mental health and communityservices and offer my support for as long asit’s needed.It’s your turn to ask—not “What’s wrongwith you?” but “What happened to you?”*Name changed to protect privacy.Pamela Toohey is the Founder/CEO ofthe Birth Parent Association. She can bereached at www.birthparentassocation.com.Perspectives