Lupelius - The School for Gods

in reality your song of sorrow, like a fertility rite in reverse, has invited all the troubles anddifficulties of your entire existence.”Suddenly everything fell silent. I felt an inexplicable anxiety pushing up against a hiddendam/emotional floodgate inside me. A tough and unmoving part of me gave way and agaping abyss yawned open until it swallowed me up. I felt my heart beating furiously againstthe walls of my chest and my breathing was blocked by an unending exhalation. Iexperienced the nauseating dizziness of an endless fall and a silent cry for help… a sense offear, desperation, shame which echoed in the most remote fibres of my being as if all the painof my existence had concentrated in one place. Only when He began to speak once more wasI finally able to breathe again and I greedily swallowed all the air I could. “A man cannothide! – whispered the Dreamer, as if passing on a secret teaching. I listened like a child,without disagreement or opposition. “Our most insignificant action, every perception,thought, gesture and facial expression is recorded in eternity”. He told me that the way welive every moment, like a frame in the film of our lives, indicates a raising or lowering ofbeing and puts us in tune with everything that will happen to us.“A man cannot hide!... Here with me you stand alone facing existence…Here there are nopolitical affiliations or trade unions. When you enter this room you cannot bring anythingwith you from your past, not even the lie of your name or your role in life. Here there is noguard rail for you to hold onto…here you are alone facing yourself…” He noticed that I wastrembling visibly. My teeth began to chatter as if I was coming down with a fever, and Hesaid, “Stop being afraid and stop hiding! There is a part of you that has to die because it isabsurd. This death is your great opportunity. Only you can do it…”Physically and painfully I felt that the Dreamer was penetrating through layer upon layer ofignorance and psychological garbage which had accumulated over time and become hard asrock.“If you work tirelessly and for as many years as you have previously spent damagingyourself – He said in a whisper as sweet as a promise – one day time will break and a tunnelwill open up and guide you to the part of yourself that is the most real and true…a part withwhich sooner or later every man must reconnect: his dream.” Only at this point did theDreamer take His eyes off me, allowing me a moment of respite.I saw His figure ripple like a reflection in the water. He was about to leave me. All at onceI felt impossibly tired as if I had run a race for miles and miles on a single breath of air. Mylegs refused to hold me up. I knelt down on the carpet which had just become visible, claimedfrom the shadows by the first light of the day, and fell to the ground like a dead man.* * * * * * *44