2 July - Victorian Amateur Football Association

a little wild at a local discotheque, but he lockedhis roommate Ben Jordan out of his room, leavingJordan scratching like a cat on the doors ofteammates to find a bed. Best he didn’t share aroom with Rambo that night, as by all reports thesprinklers might have gone off. The game itselfwas probably one of the best of that era. We wereplaying a half amateur, half professional SA teamwith a man mountain full forward whose nameescapes me whom David Landrigan and RohanPrice did their best to stop. We ended up gettingour noses in front in the dying minutes after LukeyVassalo finally speared a torpedo at the localclown who had followed him end to end callinghim Krusty the Klown. SA then won the centreclearance and the ball was marked by SA’s Downs.The siren went. Downs duly went back and dulymissed narrowly and the Big V won by a point.Denver “Porno” Artz - Denver Artz burst onto thescene in 1999. The big, solid lad from HamptonRovers was plucked from obscurity by Nick Bourkeand quickly became the “Gladiator” of the sideafter his stats sheet v SA at Elsternwick showed 30stats and 20 tackles (a feat he repeated against theCountry later that year). He was a wrecking balllike few of us had ever seen. He was everything Iwas not – hard at the ball, hard at the man andwon his own ball. He was quickly nicknamedPorno because of his unusual and porn-star likename and was selected forever more, based on histoughness and performance in Rep games thatyear.Captain-gate - The 2001 match against VCFLat Elsternwick will go down as one of the bestand most complete wins ever by a VAFA team.We smashed VCFL by about thirteen goals witha resolute backline, a dominant midfield and aforward line led by Luke Hawkins - who kicked atleast seven goals in a masterful display. The teamwas led by Rambo and I, but the photo on the wallat VAFA HQ will always show Gillon McLachlan asthe captain. Gill had been a mainstay of the sideand it was always great to play alongside him, asyou just knew that his flat concrete hands wouldensure plenty of crumbs front and centre. In thelead-up to this match it was quite clear (given hehadn’t trained or played at all) that he was notgoing to play. Gill, however, demanded he begiven time to get his back right (he had fallen offa Shetland pony that he was breaking in) so hecould take his place. He knew if he could keep theselectors on-side until after the team photo on theThursday night, that he could then withdraw andthe annals of history would still recognise him ascaptain. Sure enough, as Gill took his place on thebench to Nick Bourke’s right, his look of glee wasapparent despite his injury agony. Once the madcreepy stalker from The Bodyguard had taken theteam photo and the last flash had gone off, Gillslowly stood up, handed his jumper to Nick Bourkeand Phil Stevens, and apologetically advised thathe just didn’t think he was going to get up for thematch. What a surprise!The photo: McLachlan at left, coach Nick Bourkein the centre and on the right, Simon Lethlean,who will coach the Big V Premier C-Div 4 teamagainst the VCFL next Saturday.THE AMATEUR FOOTBALLER 2011 19