September 26, 2003 - Virginia Law Weekly

Law School Life8 Virginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003It could be that double latté tearingthrough you like a half-pint ofLiquid Plumr. Perhaps last night’sTainted Burrito Special at BajaBean upset the delicate ecosystemof microflora flourishing behind yourbelt buckle. Or maybe you just enjoythe gentle prostate massage thataccompanies a firmly extruded heatstick. Whatever guise it may assume,the hour shall eventually arrivewhen you must marshal yourresources, grab a copy of the LawWeekly, and seek the healing waters.FAUNA FUNPotty Reviewby Morgan EvansPHOTO GALLERYThe Weekly CrosswordEdited by Wayne Robert WilliamsBy Josiah Breward, Scranton, Pennsylvania solution p. 4ACROSS 104 Fuss107 Part of an1 Andes herdapron7 Worldly gain, biblically 108 Catholic13 Placed on displaysacrament20 “The Ponder Heart” 110 Limber andwriterready for21 Room full of birdsaction22 Eurasian ruminant 113 More23 African snapperblubbery25 Physical hypersensitivity 114 Of Chilean26 Time of lifemountains27 Ancient Chinese dynasty28 Buffalo Bill29 Broken-bone support30 Royal address32 Val d’__, France34 Uses a stiletto35 Human seat38 Doctor Seuss book42 Compass pt.43 Laws46 Funniness47 Contents abbr.48 The Promised Land49 Confesses52 Babist faith53 Crowd fig.54 Kids’ TV characters57 Prevailing59 __-majesty61 First baseman John62 Warhol’s movement63 Preliminary elections66 1977 Burt Reynoldsmovie69 Science fiction award70 Make a formal retraction73 “King Kong” star Fay74 People of the press?76 Kin of the cat’s meow79 Recipe amt.80 Ivan of tennis81 Reed and Fargo82 Venetian bridge84 Summers in Provence85 Hackneyed87 Some artists89 Some sloths90 Pronunciation exercise94 Ballplayer’s hat95 Walt Disney’s middlename96 Actress Ada97 Poi base101 Javanese and Japanese103 “Sweeney __”115 NationalLeague team116 Those whouseswearwords117 One of theBorgias118 TranquilDOWN1 Horne andOlin2 PlaywrightPirandello3 Felix orLuther4 Skier Tommy5 Flatfoot’slack6 PoetTeasdale7 Bub8 Bent-billed bird9 Skater Ito10 First11 Paris airport12 Comic Louis13 Plains tribe14 Racecar safety device15 Put back on the market16 Port of Yemen17 Doctor Seuss book18 Med. printout19 Arid24 Preserved29 Goblet shafts31 Kett of old comics33 Nordic jets’ letters34 Closes36 Egyptian dam37 Little in Lille39 McCarthy’s grp.40 Sicilian volcano41 “The __ Man”The Law Weekly Goes to the ToiletThe Law School shelters manynooks of repose, but not all of themare worth your time. What shouldbe a moment of quiet reflection canbe ruined by urine-splashed seats,dim lighting, or even just the knowledgethat someone is waiting foryou to wrap things up, which alwaysmakes me feel like Oresteswith the Furies in hot pursuit. Awell-considered selection can meanthe difference between a restfulpause that knits up the ravelledsleeve of care and a harried, unnervingexperience. This review —omitting the terra incognita of theladies’ rooms — addresses most ofthe restrooms you are likely to encounterhere.Withers-Brown West: The twomain restrooms on the west side ofWB are both inferior options. Althoughconveniently located forthose exiting class, access is hamperedby a narrow entryway, andduring the ten-to-the-hour rushthese facilities exhibit many of theless charming qualities of a ScottStadium restroom at halftime. Ihave witnessed people vomiting inthem. I have vomited in them. Thelighting in the stalls is poor, and theindustrial-size rolls of micron-thinpaper are difficult to unspool. Onthe plus side, however, the seat isoften still warm from the previousoccupant.Withers-Brown East: If youphoto by Sam Young“Should I use my powers for good, or for awesome?”43 Head skin44 Spud45 An inability to sit still47 Cramped49 Burrows and Fortas50 German article51 Half a Kenyan rebel?52 Unruly rascal55 Stirs up liquid56 Zeno of __57 French title58 News agcy.60 Corrects text62 Sean or William64 Eve’s boy65 Capek sci-fi play66 __ Fifth Avenue67 Stomach: pref.68 Syringes, casually70 Make fresh71 Post-dusk72 J. Davis’ domain74 Of the intestines75 Anatomical networks76 Philippines machetesfind the WB West experience asunsettling as I do, just pop acrossthe hall to the serene facility nearthe north entrance to the library.Don’t be fooled by the congestedfemale foot traffic; this hidden cornerboasts a handicapped-accessiblemen’s room featuring two spacious,well-lit, and immaculately cleanstalls. Rodin’s Le Penseur would notlook out of place here.Scott Commons: This is an acceptableoption, but only very earlyin the day because it has but onestall which is generally befouled bythose not content to wait for a urinalduring the lunch rush. Should circumstancesforce you to compromiseon this point, there remainsthe grave risk of hearing, just asyou’re getting comfortable, thegentle cough of some similarly situatedfellow indicating his desire forthings to be hurried along. You maytelegraph your intention to do nosuch thing by turning the page ofyour Law Weekly with an audiblycrisp snap.Slaughter Hall, First Floor:There is a smattering of one-stallPRIMAL BRENTcontinued from page 7ception of two or three first-years.Fortunately, Black and GoldHowler Monkeys have another distinctiveand redeeming characteristic— “Tongue-flicking is a ritualizeddisplay of sexual solicitation.”I promise I’m not makingthis up, it’s a direct quote from theHogle Zoo website. So next timeyou see a Howler Monkey flickingits tongue out at you, you’ll knowexactly what its thinking. Thehowler gets 5 out of 10.Western Lowland Gorilla —This is the smallest of three speciesof Gorilla, which is not a goodthing. Gorillas already look as ifthey have a very large chip on77 Guitarist Clapton78 Chinese: pref.81 Carvey and Ivey83 Element fig.85 Consoler86 Climbing vines87 New Deal agcy.88 Magnani and Paquin90 Manush of the Hall ofFame91 Ponders moodily92 Exodus parting93 My, my, my98 Higher up99 Standing100 Way overweight102 800 exams103 Color variation105 Taps gently106 Beastly character108 Low mil. letters109 Seine substance110 Fond du __, WI111 Sue __ Langdon112 Galley propelleroptions on the first floor of SlaughterHall, but none are worthy ofnote. Two of the facilities — one atthe intersection with Clay Hall, andone by the west exit near the Fishbowl— are acceptable if you haveno time to seek relief elsewhere.They’re not always clean, but thereis often a Cav Daily already in thestall. A third facility, between theLaw Review and BLSA offices, hasone stall and no urinal at all. Guysbeing what they are, this ill-conceivedrestroom is often filthier thana Cambodian squat privy.Slaughter Hall, Second Floor:The comfortably large facility nearthe PILA office is pretty much youronly option here. It’s serviceablyclean, but tends to reek of cold,clammy sweat and rank desperationduring the OGI season. If you’relooking for something different,there is a small, secluded restroomtoward the southwest corner of thebuilding. The last time I dropped in,though, the single stall there hadbeen reduced to a state of unspeakablehorror, and I have avoided itever since.their shoulders and I’m sure beingthe smallest doesn’t improve theWestern Lowland’s attitude at all.Whenever I go to the zoo and lookat the gorillas, I get the feelingthat if I fell into their pit, ninetimes out of 10 they would crushme like a bug, but there’s a one in10 chance they wouldn’t deign toacknowledge my presence. Can’tsay I like those odds. But here aretwo facts about the Western LowlandGorilla you have to love: Itsproper name is gorilla gorilla gorilla.And, again according to theHogle Zoo website, “It is difficultto sex young gorillas.” WL getsnine out of 10.Library, First Floor: There is aroomy, well-lit facility tucked intothe northeast corner by the professors’offices. This is a great optionmost of the year, but standards sliptowards the end of each semester,when the library crowd seems tostay one step ahead of the janitorialstaff. There is plenty of readingmaterial available, but rememberto reshelve that copy of MedicalLiability Monthly when you leave.Library, Second Floor: Thetwo ample facilities on the westside of the library’s second floorare rather decent options most ofthe year. During exam crunchtime, however, high traffic levelsexact a heavy toll. Cold weathercompounds the problem; a quirkin the heating system turns theserestrooms into a sort of Dutch oventhat only Shadrach, Meshach, orpossibly Abednego could really feelcomfortable in. There is also a luxurioushandicapped-accessiblerestroom on the east side by theperiodical room, although it canbe a hit-or-miss affair. I wouldn’tgo out of my way for it, but it’sworth a visit if you find yourself inthe neighborhood.Caplin Auditorium: It’s offthe beaten track, but this clean,quiet, three-stall gem is a favoritehaunt of true restroom aficionados.After making a quick stop atthe racks of free reading materialin the exit nearest the D3 lot, theysettle in for a peaceful interlude.When you meet an acquaintanceat the sink here, trivial banterseems unnecessary and intrusive.A simple glance of mutual understandingis enough to communicatewhat you both know: this isthe place.Use this information as you seefit. I only hope that I, like Dante’sVirgil, have proven an instructiveand enlightening guide to an otherwisemysterious realm.Top Ten Fashion Tipsby Victor Kao ’0410. Glasses will make you look smarter, but not as smart as wiping thatstupid smile off your face will. Punkass.9. Remember, impoverished third-world peasant equals worldly firstworldstudent!8. Showing lots of skin doesn’t make you look unprofessional. It justmakes you look like a different kind of professional. Stop thinkinginside the corporate box and move out onto the street corner.7. Music can be a style accessory that helps you express your personality.For instance, showing me your Dave Matthews CDs tells me that you’rethree muggings and two bankruptcies away from getting what youdeserve.6. When you wear a nice dark suit, people are more likely to notice thatyour fly is down and that you’ve put everything out there. Everything.5. Use composition and framing to emphasize your good features. Forinstance, you can accentuate your cleavage with a low-cut top and a bagover your head.4. When caught wearing something ugly, tell people you’re wearing it withirony.3. Wear animal patterns. Why? Because you’re a jungle cat. On the prowl.For men. ROWR! (Insert clawing gestures.)2. You know those female athletic shorts with thingswritten across theback to call attention to the butt in a coy, playful way? Those are hot.1. Prada and Gucci bags aren’t nearly as cool as colostomy bags.