September 26, 2003 - Virginia Law Weekly

Virginia Law WeeklyThe Newspaper of the University of Virginia School of Law Since 1948“Freedom of religion, freedom of the press;freedom of persons under the protection of thehabeas corpus; and trial by juries impartiallyselected, — these principles form the brightconstellation which has gone before us, andguided our steps through an age of revelationand reformation.”THOMAS JEFFERSONAroundNorth GroundsJournal tryout period has beenextended. The weather might notwant you to check cites, but thejournals do!Thumbs up to theunsung heroines ofthe Public ServiceCenter, Dean KimberlyEmery and Becca Peters, fortheir friendly attitude and constanthelpful service to the studentsof the Law School.Thumbs down tothe plague of femalestudents who do notheed the followingadvice when using the Law Schoolrestrooms: “If you sprinkle whenyou tinkle, please be neat and wipethe seat.”Jessup International Law MootCourt is having an informationalmeeting 4:15 p.m. on Tuesday,September 30 at WB 102. Lawmight be glamorous, but internationallaw is absolutely fabulous.In an effort to ensure that thetrains run on time, over the nextseveral weeks ANG will take itupon ANGself to congratulate andcritique professors for their faithfulnessto our school’s 10- ’til schedule.Early: Lilly, WaddellOn time: Cushman, Harrison,J. Mahoney, O’Connell, WaltLate: Kitch, Schragger, Setear,T.R. WhiteThumbs down tofirms that take theirgood sweet time gettingback to you withthose perfunctory rejectionletters. ANG likes the badnews fast, quick, and dirty.Thumbs up to theresurrection ofDICTA. All the coolprofessors and distinguishedalumni are writing forDICTA. You should too!Thumbs up tofirms that advertisein the Law Weekly.(Tip to firms: To getthe quality applicantsyou deserve, you must buy as muchspace as you can afford. E-mail valaw-weekly@virginia.eduand askfor our rate sheet.)Thumbs down topeople who weartheir slovenly undershirtsand haltertops to class. ANG does not go toschool in a downscale trailer park.You better recognize.Get to work.In this issue:Sorority girls and LawSchool men .............p. 2Morgan Evans has abathroom fixation ..p. 8Vol. 56, No. 5 Friday, September 26, 2003 Subscriptions AvailableClerkships Abound for Third-Year Studentsby Michael Spitzer ’04Third-year students applying forjudicial clerkships faced a uniqueexperience this year. For the firsttime, judges at both the circuit anddistrict court levels instituted amoratorium on hiring law studentsfor the 2004 term until September 2,2003. Prior to this year, judges wererelatively free to decide for themselveswhen they wished to acceptapplications and conduct interviewsfor limited clerkship positions. Theresult in previous years was a raceto the bottom, with judges often acceptingapplications from studentsafter their first year of law school inorder to have a shot at the best andbrightest candidates. Criticism ofthe ad hoc system came from students,faculty at elite law schools,and even the judges themselves, whooften had little data to evaluate beyondfirst-year grades. To solve thiscollective action problem, judges inevery federal circuit agreed to postponeaccepting applications until thebeginning of the applicants’ thirdyear. In addition, faculty were advisednot to provide recommendationsto judges until after the moratoriumdate.Many students choose to serve asclerks for federal or state judgesupon completion of law school. Formany graduates, working as a clerkoffers unique rewards that can lasta lifetime. First, clerking for a judgegives students an inside perspectiveon how courts make decisions andhow the trial process works. As aclerk, a graduate has a unique opportunityto participate directly inthe judicial process and help judgesmake decisions that directly affectpeople’s lives. Second, clerking fora judge often allows judges to imparttheir own wisdom on graduates,which can be invaluable toclerks after they leave. Third, clerkscan gain professional contactsthrough the judges themselves andthrough other clerks. Finally, theskills learned as a clerk can beinvaluable to a future career inanother legal job.Professor Barry Cushman, thechair of the clerkships committeeat U.Va. Law, provided informationregarding the new process.Cushman reports that most judgesBagley Earns GPA Awardby Laurie Ripper ’05The Law School Foundation hasawarded the 2002-2003 Carl M.Franklin Prize to second-yearKatie Bagley. The Franklin Prizeis given to the person with thehighest first-year grade point average.On Tuesday, Dean Jeffriespresented Bagley with the $1,000award.Bagley, originally from Spokane,Washington, did her undergraduateworkin history atNotre Dame andcompleted amaster’s in Englishat U.Va.She worked forLexis inCharlottesvilleafter graduation,editing court reporters.At theLaw School, sheis involved inLaw Review, theSt. Thomas MoreSociety, and isthe ManagementDirector for theConference onPublic Serviceand the Law.Demonstrating her commitment topublic service, she also works atthe Caplin Public Service Center.Bagley spent the summer afterher first year at a U.S. Attorney’sOffice working in criminal prosecution.She plans to pursue a careeras a U.S. Attorney after graduation.“I think it’s great that Dr.Franklin decided to create a wayto recognize academic performance,”Bagley said, “and sinceI’m living on loans and want towork in the public sector againthis summer, extra money alwayscomes in handy.”Carl M. Franklin ’48 createdthe award after returning to Virginiain 1998 for his 50-year classreunion and discovering at thetime that there was still no awardto recognize the first-year studentwith the highest grade point average.Franklin was himself the topstudent in his class his first twoyears at Virginia, despite seriousfinancial hardship.After graduating with an L.L.B.,Franklin declined an offer to clerkfor Supreme Court Justice HaroldBurton in orderto pursue aphoto by Laura PietroDean Jeffries and 2L Katie Bagleycareer inacademia. In1953, Franklinbegan a longcareer at theUniversity ofSouthern California,servingas Vice Presidentand Professorof Law.Over thecourse of severalyears,Franklin hasdonated$20,000 to establisha perpetualendowmentthatfunds the Carl M. Franklin Prizeat U.Va. Thanks to his most recentcontribution, this year’s award hasincreased $250 from last year’s prizeof $750. Franklin will be returningto Charlottesville in May to celebratehis 55-year class reunion.Laura Pietro, Director of DonorRelations and Young AlumniDevelopment for the Law SchoolFoundation, notes the importanceof highlighting the accomplishmentsof outstanding studentssuch Bagley, saying, “Dr. Franklinestablished the award not only torecognize, but to encourage, continuedexcellence at the LawSchool.”appear to be abiding by the moratorium,but that the timing for judgescalling students for interviews isdifferent at the circuit court anddistrict court levels. “During thefirst two weeks after the moratoriumdate, almost all of the actiongraphic by Mike SpitzerNumber of clerkships per graduating classwas taking place at the circuit courtlevel. In the past week or so, I havebeen hearing of more students beingcontacted at the district courtlevel, and I expect this to continue.”Cushman indicated that it was quiterational for district court judges towait until hiring at the circuit courtlevel had ceased. Most district courtjudges wanted to wait to determinewho among the applicants had beenaccepted at the circuit court levelbefore interviewing to make theirtask more efficient.At this point, it is impossible tosay how many U.Va. third-year studentsare applying for clerkships.The Law School has a decentralizedapplication system, and while theadministration has tried to compilestatistics regarding applications ona voluntary basis, there are studentswho have not reported thatthey are applying. Cushman estimatesthat approximately sixty studentsfrom the third-year class areapplying for clerkships. Becausedata concerning who has appliedfor clerkships and who ultimatelyaccepts a clerkship are not accurate,it is impossible to say whatpercentage of U.Va students applyingfor a clerkship actually receiveone.The Law School has kept a recordof the number of students who haveaccepted clerkships. The numberhas fluctuated dramatically in recentyears, with 87 graduates takingclerkships in 2002 compared toa mere 43 students from the 2003graduating class taking clerkships.Geographically, U.Va. studentsfare best in the Southeast, wherethe Virginia name is well-recognized.Generally, the most difficultareas of the country to receive aclerkship include judges within theSecond, Third, Seventh, and NinthCircuits. Students considering applyingfor a clerkship are encouragedto apply to a fairly large numberof judges to increase their oddsof receiving at least one offer.DICTA: Privacy as anAlterable ConceptKatherine HepburnTwo weeks ago, ProfessorO’Neil wrote on the subject of “virtualtrespass,” particularly as itapplies to celebrities. This weekwe are republishing KatherineHepburn’s musings on privacy asit applied to her life, which originallyran in the June 3, 1965edition of the Virginia LawWeekly.by KatherineHepburn1890 — Boston— Samuel D.Warren andLouis D.Brandeis — Theright to life —the right to be letalone — EarliestCommon Law —that the individualshouldhave full protectionin personand in property— BUT THEDEFINITIONOF PROTEC-TION WAS AL-TERABLE AC-CORDING TOTHE DE-MANDS OF SOCIETY. It cameto recognize man’s spiritual nature— his feelings — his intellectas well as his person and hisproperty. The principle whichprotects is the principle of aninviolate personality —If then the decisions indicatea general right to privacy forthoughts — emotions — sensations— these should receive thesame protection whether expressedin writing — conduct —conversations — attitudes — orin facial expression —The right to one’s personality— The right nor merely to preventinaccurate portrayal of privatelife — but to prevent it beingdepicted at all — BUT THEDEFINITION OF PROTECTIONWAS ALTERABLE ACCORD-ING TO THE DEMANDS OFSOCIETYThe right to privacy — Fiftyyears from now this word as wehave understoodit — will have nomeaning at all —if our world continuesin itspresent direction— and it must orit will cease toexist — So it isprobably necessarythat we sacrificeprivacy —In the beginningof my career— 1932 — I hada right to considerprivacy myright — and so Ifought for it — awild and vigorousbattle —Quite successful— I thought — Iwent to a great deal of trouble —I went way — way out of my way— the few people I knew couldkeep their mouths shut — it wasthirty-five years ago — and theopposition accepted a limit —Today it is extremely difficultto control one’s privacy — even ifone is not a public figure — Whoare you — How old are you —Who are your father — mother —sisters — brothers — grandparents— Of what did they die —what were they when they lived— What diseases have you hadsee HEPBURN page 2Printed onrecycled paper

News & Features2 Virginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003Diversity PanelOpens Up StudentDialogueTwenty-five students and facultymembers gathered onWednesday to take part in thepanel, “Law School Diversity: TheStudents’ Perspective,” sponsoredby the SBA Diversity Committee.The panel was composed entirelyof students and included DaveGlazier, Davis Kim, DJ Moore,Lillian Omand, Paula Ro, andJames Whitehead. Each panelistdiscussed his or her involvementwith student organizations at theLaw School before answering audiencequestions.The spirited discussion questionedhow successful studentorganizations have been at conveyingtheir message to the entirestudent body. Some suggestedincreased SBA involvement infuture diversity events, as well asincreased co-sponsorship amongvarious student organizations.Further, audience members debatedthe characterization of studentorganizations as self-segregating.Views on this issue includedadvocating a more colorblindapproach to diversity, aswell as creating a more comfortableenvironment for the discussionof minority issues.SBA Diversity CommitteeChair Andrew Woodworth concluded,“Though none of the issuesraised can be resolved duringan hour long panel, the exchangeof ideas and input fromthe students that attended thepanel was very encouraging.Hopefully, it will lead to strongerinvolvement by the whole studentbody and more effective panelsand speakers discussing diversityissues.”Virginia Law WeeklyChristopher ColbyExecutive EditorBrian GreenIllustratorMike SpitzerManaging EditorVictor KaoProduction EditorGretchen AgeeDrew Larsen News Editor Lorre LutherColumns EditorFeatures EditorClaudia Sue Gee VassarReviews EditorSam YoungPhoto Editor & DICTA EditorScott PlutaTreasurerAssociate EditorsTom O’GradyAssociate Columns EditorNick BenjaminAssociate Reviews EditorScott MeachamEditor-in-ChiefHEPBURNcontinued from page 1— What is your religion — haveyou ever been a communist —What is your income — Whomdo you support — How much didyour house cost — the furnishings— your wife’s clothes — herjewels — fur coats — how muchdo you spend on your children’sschools — Travel — Entertaining— Books — Liquor — Flowers— Teeth — Do you wearglasses — Do you still menstruate— Are your periods regular— your bowels — What operationshave you had — do yousleep in the room with your wife— and how long has that beengoing on — Have you ever beeninvolved with the law — do youdrink — Let’s just have a fingerprintnow — How much — Theseare among the questions whichmust be answered — if — youare insured by your employer —(an actor is) — drive a car — payan income tax — get social security— etc. —The greatest “bugaboo”against privacy — and the ideaof privacy in this country is insurance— You can be protectedagainst anything, but for it youmust sacrifice your privacy — Ifa friend is injured in your house— let the company pay — If youcan’t save enough money to liveon in your old age — if you are ill— if you are hospitalized — if anactor is ill — Now all this isprogress — these things are necessary— They are things whichan individual can no longer beresponsible for — The Governmentor the Company must stepin and bear the burden — butwith the loss of responsibility —we also have lost our privacy —Privacy in the sense that it wasused thirty years ago has almostceased to exist — the individualhas become a pretty wellEditorial PolicyLaurie RipperAssociate News EditorPaula Ro & A.J. StephensAssociate Production EditorsAlison HaddockAssociate Features EditorCOLUMNISTS: Kristianna Brugger, Oreste McClung, SBA NOTEBOOK.CONTRIBUTORS: Katherine Hepburn, Thaddeus Lorenzo, Maggie Samra, and Sean Suder.REVIEWERS: Morgan Evans, Lee Kovarsky, Brent Olson, and George Pence.Published weekly on Friday except during holiday and examination periods and serving the Law School communityat the University of Virginia, the Virginia Law Weekly (ISSN 0042-661X) is not an official publication of theUniversity and does not necessarily express the views of the University.Any article appearing herein may be reproduced provided that credit is given to both the Virginia Law Weeklyand the author of the article. Advanced written permission of the Virginia Law Weekly is also required for reproductionof any cartoon or illustration.Entered as second class matter at the Post Office at Charlottesville, Virginia. One year subscriptions are availablefor $25.00. Subscriptions are automatically renewed unless cancelled. Address all business communications to theManaging Editor. Subscribers are requested to inform the Managing Editor of change of address at least three weeksin advance to ensure prompt delivery.Mailing Address: Virginia Law Weekly, 580 Massie Rd., University of Virginia School of Law,Charlottesville, Virginia 22903-1789Phone: (434) 924-3070 Fax: (434) 924-7536E-mail Address: va-law-weekly@virginia.edu Website: http://www.student.virginia.edu/~law-wkly/Printed on recycled paper by the Virginia Law Weekly and the University of Virginia Printing Office.© 2003-2004 Virginia Law WeeklyThe Virginia Law Weekly publishes letters and columns of interest to the Law School and thelegal community at large. Views expressed in such submissions are those of the author(s) and notnecessarily those of the Law Weekly or the Editorial Board. Letters from organizations must bearthe name, signature, and title of the person authorizing the submission. 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Although every effort is made to publish all materials meeting ourguidelines, we regret that not all submissions received can be published.documented punch card —“There can be no privacy in thatwhich is already public” —Now let us take a public figure— an actor — We are worseoff than the politician — thepolitician is selling his brain —supposedly — whereas — theactor is selling his body — and/or his own peculiar personalityand this does not command highesteem — There is always a“Well what can you expect” backof derogatory comment — Bothpublic and press feel that theyhave an absolute right of accessto the most intimate details ofyour life — and by life you mustread largely sex life — for this isthe department of an actor’s lifewhich is most titillating to pressand public —At the appropriate age for thissort of thing — I used to gothrough the most elaborateschemes to avoid the press — Ifelt that nothing of my privatelife was any of their business —By the same token I did not feelthat I could then appear in apublic place — or in their territoryso to speak — railroad stations— airports — restaurants— bars — theaters — games —These places were their territory— My territory was my ownhome — a friend’s house — aprivate club — This is all verywell — but then you have thepublic place on a private matter— the hospital — the church —the cemetery — where a publiccharacter is forced by illness ordeath to use a public facility —It would seem that in such acase he or she should have aright to be protected from thepeering eye of the outsider — acourtroom — But even here —or should I say especially here— the taste for the public hasby Alison Haddock ’05It‘s time to set the recordstraight. You have probably heardrumors about them. Perhaps, asa woman, you have felt threatenedby them. Maybe you feltthey symbolized an act of desperation.But after talking to someLaw School males — and females— I was forced to alter my opinion.Although an exclusive andsomewhat secretive endeavor,the mixers Law School maleshave organized with undergraduatesororities seem to haveseveral innocent-minded purposes:to meet women outside ofthe Law School, to meet newpeople in general, and just tohang out in a casual settingwith friends.To catch the first-years up tospeed, during the second semesterof last year, a small butdedicated group of first-yearmen decided to organize eventswith different sororities on campus.Organizer Steve Kaplan’05 provides a well-consideredrationale for targetingting theseundergraduate organizations.He notes that “Boys like girls,boys like meeting girls that theydon’t already know, so they canfind out if they like them or not.Sororities are conveniently organizedto make meeting [girls] easy,so we take advantage of that.”Kaplan and others planned threeor four mixers last year, have hadone this semester, and have morein the making. The events haveranged from bar hops to houseparties to intimate cookouts andcombine the traditional party elementsof people, alcohol, and idlechatter. Interest in these eventsdoes seem to be dual-sided — ason some occasions Law Schoolorganizers have contacted sororities,and sometimes the sororitiesthemselves make the contact.been geared to a diet of suchextravagance — that the magazinesand press — so called respectableones — must continueto feed it — cater to it — in themanner to which they have accustomedto it — Polite pornographyis no longer interesting —No more subterfuge — The nakedfact — Tell it — Do it —There it is — That is the fact —The truth — The four letter word— The naked body — Nothingwithheld — You feel sad — low— take a benzedrine — You feeltoo lively — take a sparine —you want some sleep — take asecanol — you feel pain — takesome codeine — you are confused— go to a psychoanalyst —Don’t hide it — Talk — tell it —It is never your fault — We’ll fixthe blame — Mama — Papa —Uncle Sam — Teacher — Employer— They are responsible— I would seem to wander —but if you have a public fed onthese intimate details — if youhave a public geared to listen —read — speak — about the mostintimate details of another’s life(to say nothing of their own) andgeared to “understand” any vagary— because nothing is eitherright of wrong — and gearedto the divine right of life — to joy— to freedom — Run — Jump —Go — Go — Go — Happy —Happy — Happy —Well — how hard should youtry — Give us the responsibility— We are responsible — don’tworry about anything — This isa tough atmosphere in which toestablish the fact of privacy —let alone the right — Keep out ofmy life — I will be responsible —I have a right to be let alone — Itis not a part of our lives anymore— Too many people — andpeople who have been too poorSorority Girls are Easygraphic by Scott Meacham“Good, clean, wholesome fun.”The majority of Law Schoolattendees at these events are currentsecond-years, perhaps becausethe organizing force behindthe events came from this class.The people whom the organizersinvite are not necessarily a selectfew, but rather just the membersof an e-mail list of people whoexpressed interested in such mixers.For the first party of thisyear, even some first-years wereinvited. Kaplan further explains,“We try to limit the party to thefirst 50 people to R.S.V.P., as away of keeping the party the rightsize and so we can buy the rightamount of drinks.” Traditionally,organizers have collected ten dollarsfrom each attendee to coverthe costs of the event.Some participants in theseevents seem to stress their fraternalaspects. One source who preferredto remain anonymousnoted, “I went in part becausesome of my friends were going,but also [because of] the opportunityto meet other folks outside ofthe Law School. It’s a tad insularto be very interested in privacyanyway —Bobby Kennedy wants toclimb his brother’s CanadianMountain — be the first to get tothe top — leave a token there —This was the warm and thrillingand mysterious — until he soldit or gave it to Life Magazine —and the television went along —The act had to lose a lot of itsmeaning to him by being publicized— or at least it would haveto me — Who am of anothergeneration — I pick him — becausehe is a fellow whom Igreatly admire — behaving inthe manner of today —Their bosoms — their secrets— their loves — their sex theories— their sins — thrills weretitillating when you only got apeek — But now in magazinesyou’re not even ashamed to buy— Down in black and white —THE TRUTH — in words andpictures — Stolen or sold — acuriously literal world — Themagic — the ephemeral — whatcan’t be caught in this black andwhite arrangement — Maybethat’s the privacy — Maybe it’sinside your own head — yourimagination — which cannotlend itself to words — Our ownindividual “touch of the poet” —Everything has to be consideredin relation to the world weare living in — I do not knowhow you can relate privacy tothis world — they would seem tocontradict each other —About DICTA: Faculty areencouraged to submit articleson privacy or other legal topics.Contact DICTA Editor SamYoung at syoung@virginia.edu.here, so anything to branch out isnice.” One can imagine a moreOld School-type element to thesegatherings this gentleman barelyhints at. It is this, perhaps, thatsome women fear.Many women seem to believethat there seems something innatelywrong with 27- or 28-yearoldguys hitting on undergraduategirls. But many also seem tounderstand their classmates’rationale. One second-yearwoman noted that “the LawSchool is too small, it is likedating someone in high school”and therefore it makes sense tolook for romance elsewhere.Another female clarifies, “Ofcourse [Law School guys] aredoing it just to meet people, butthey are looking for girls to dateand hook up with. For a lot ofguys that is one and the same,most guys don’t want girls justto hang out with. They look atLaw School girls as their friends,they don’t want to date us.”Male classmates agree with thisoutside assessment. Dave Thomas’05 says, “The difference is,Law School events people go towith the intent to have fun, mixerspeople go to find people they candate.”Lest anyone worry that Kaplanand his pals are biased againstgraduate and professionalwomen, he notes that althoughevents with medical and businessschool students “are not nearly aseasy to organize as those schoolsare not divided up into pre-dividedmixing groups,” he and hismedical school roommate areplanning a law/medical schoolparty for early October. To womenat the Law School, Kaplan laments,“It is unfortunate thereare not comparable, pre-organizedgroups of men that are of interestto the girls of Law School.”

To the Editor:The phrase “racial separatism”is inflammatory, and the activitiesthat Mr. Wang describes area far cry from anything approachingreal separatism. It is disrespectfulto those who experiencedit to invoke that history to describestudent organizing at atop law school. Many student organizationsrather seek to easethe experience of integration intoan institution, law school, whereminorities have been historicallyunderrepresented.Organizations such asAPALSA, Women of Color, andBLSA in no way profess to beTo the Editor:In last week’s article “Breakingthe Bonds of Self-Segregation,”Eric Wang urges us to, asthe title of the article so succinctlystates, liberate ourselvesfrom the crutch of self-segregation.He argues that ethnic/culturalgroups foster the “soft bigotryof racial assumptions” andthat these “comfort zones of collectivism”need to be “smashed”to break free of a race-obsessedsociety.Eric posits that race is a meresocial construct, and states thatwe must first acknowledge thatrace resides only in our minds.Let’s assume this to be true. Evenif race resides only somewherebetween our ears, does it not affectinteractions between individuals?It’s quite a difficult taskto acknowledge that race doesnot matter, when it clearly doesmatter (as Eric concedes). It’dtake a blissfully ignorant personTo the Editor:In his editorial in last week’sLaw Weekly, Kevin Ritz ’04 refersto a potential “lapse of judgment”or questionable professionalismexercised by the “SBA Secretary”(he did nothing wrong, solet’s just use his name — AdamGreene ’05) in using the class e-mail lists to advertise “a socialevent not sponsored by the SBAor any other Law School organization.”The party which I assumeMr. Ritz refers to is Brown’sMountain. In serving as lastVirginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003 Student Life 3Letters to the Editor“Faculty QuotesSBA Notebook: Foxfield and the New First Year CouncilGuys, get out those seersuckersuits and girls, warm up yoursundresses — we’re headed tothe races. We have seen manygreat traditions over the pastmonth that help make Virginiathe best place to go to law schoolin the country. And there is nodoubt that Foxfield, and the after-Foxfieldparty at Pea Ridge,rank right up there with Dandelion,Bar Review, softball, andBrown’s Mountain. It is simplyan event you cannot miss.Hill Hardman, afirst-year lawstudent, is FYCPresident.As President of the First-YearCouncil, one of my responsibilitiesis to coordinate plots atFoxfield. FYC has hit the groundexclusive organizations. We arethere for those who wish to participate,and those declining theinvitation are of course, free todo so. Even more importantly,all but the most cursory observerswould see that our membersare also involved in the entirerange of organizations and activitiesat U.Va. Law, all of whichinvolvements inform our views,characters, and organizations.We respectfully disagree withMr. Wang’s characterization ofsome student organizations asfacilitating self-segregation andpromoting the opposite side ofthe “racist coin.” The vision of aTo the Editor:I applaud Eric Wang for havingbrought up the issue of raceand how students at U.Va. Lawattempt to deal with it. I alsocompliment him on his courage:enjoy your next three years, Eric!I hope you can mend the ties youmight otherwise have had: tieswith some extraordinarily giftedstudents, namely those who runand support the organizationsyou criticize.Your substantive argument(race should not matter) is welltoaccomplish this task. A normativeclaim resting on an impossibleassumption doesn’t dous much good here. But maybeEric is arguing that his impossibleassumption can be broughtcloser to reality by not havingthese ethnic/cultural groups.This leads me to the next question.How do students of color perpetuateracial stereotypes by joiningethnic/cultural groups? By joininga group, how has one acquiescedto enforcing racial stereotypes?Is it the APALSA bimonthlystring quartet show? Oris it the APALSA semi-annualBunsen burner cookout? Perhapswhen students of color are seentogether, other individuals cometo their own conclusions and singleout a group identity to attach tothose students. So does the problemlie with the person makingthose assumptions, or does theproblem lie with the students ofyear’s SBA Secretary, I feel compelledto note several things inAdam’s defense. First, this partywas sponsored by BarBri andWestlaw, clear Law School affiliates.Second, the SBA has, in thepast, considered (and I think approved,though I am unsure) subsidizingsecurity and other nonalcoholrelated aspects. Third,this party has historically servedas a traditional “welcome party”for incoming first-years. Fourth,we have e-mailed invitations anddirections advertising therunning, and we are prepared tomake this year’s Foxfield one ofthe best ever. A few suggestionsfor those of you who plan to attend:First, and most important,if you have not already purchasedyour ticket, do so today or tomorrow.You will not be able tobuy tickets, or parking passes, atthe race on Sunday. Second, ifyou plan on drinking, do notdrive. It is such a simple concept.But believe it or not, a fullday of mint juleps and screwdriversin the dehydrating sunhas been known to affect one’sjudgment. So plan accordingly.Third, it will not rain. AdamGreene has promised me this. Inthe event that Adam is wrong,however, come to Foxfield anyway.The races will still be onand the day will likely prove tobe just as, if not more, memorablethan previous years. Letpost-ethnic culture is but one wayto approach the complex projectof addressing a history of discrimination.Women of Color specificallytries to create programmingthat will increase understandingof the many and variedexperiences of diverse groups ofwomen. APALSA is not an organizationdedicated to propagatingone culture, way of life, orbelief system: we provide a forumfor issues relevant to AsianPacific Americans, rather than aforum for Asian Pacific Americanindividuals per se.Having never had conversationswith Mr. Wang, we question thecolor who choose to associate withone another? Eric thinks that ifstudents of color cease to hang outtogether, then other persons willbe less inclined to attach assumptionsto those students of color.Eric tells us to affirmatively denythe existence of race, and by doingso, we can eliminate race as anissue. Mind over matter, right?Wrong. The truth of the matter isthat race is a distinguishing characteristic,and continues to behighly relevant in today’s society.In a society in which race doesmatter, we’re each affected by racein particular ways no matter howmuch we try to avoid it.We’re given the option to chooseto join these groups. Nobody isforced to join these groups. Theoption is there for interested persons.Eric chose not to join thesegroups. That’s fine. Let peopledecide for themselves, and don’tlook down and criticize what otherpeople choose. Each person dealstaken, and I think almost everyonehere agrees with you.Yet, your implied solution(abolish all groups with racialreferences in their names) is abad one. You picked the wrongtargets. The need for such organizationsis not premised on theirown existence, as you allege: theyexist not because they wish toexist, but rather because theyare necessary. Why, I ask, isSUPRA perpetuating racial stigmata?How is BLSA perpetuatingthe “bonds of self-segregation”?I, for one, have never noticedsuch isolationist behaviorhere. At my admitted-studentsweekend (2000) I found BLSA tobe the single most welcominggroup of students I had met. (AndI am not Black.) Upon enrolling,I joined their ranks — and I amvery glad that I did.The groups you mention arewonderful agglomerations ofwonderful people; their joiningwith each other makes everyonestronger. I believe that withoutthese groups, self-segregation bySBA worry about the muddybuses.FYC has already had a fewmeetings and has begun planningsome fun events throughoutthe year, including a pre-PILA Auction party, footballtailgates, meet-and-greetswith faculty, a first-year skitrip, a canned-food drive, andSection Olympics. Also, as yourFYC rep has probably told you,FYC is in the process of makingT-shirts for the first-year classand we want your help designingthem. The winning designergets $25 and a free shirt. Youcan either give your designs toyour FYC rep or put them inSarah Teich’s mailbox before FallBreak.Now, with all that out of theway, I get to introduce the dynamicmembers of this year’sFirst Year Council. As Co-Vicesoundness of his claims that theethnically-based student organizationshere at the Law Schoolare comprised of “leftist, multiculturalistdo-gooders” and an”intellectually dishonest cabal ofliberal administrators and selfappointedcultural elites in thestudent body.” Hurling these accusationsbased upon a negativeexperience at Admitted StudentsWeekend and some preconceivednotions seems aimed less at provokinga serious discourse than,well, just provoking.Adrian Guy ’04, BLSATracey Orick ’05, WoCPaula Ro ’05, APALSAwith it in their own way. Eric chosehow to “deal” with the problem inhis own way; he chose to optimisticallyacknowledge that race is amere social construct that shouldbe ignored. But just because hefeels that his way works best forhim, he should not ram it down mythroat. My gag reflex isphenomenol. Doing that only putshim in the same category as the“leftist, multi-culturalist dogooders”which he so vehementlyabhors.I’m not an optimist, I’m a pessimisticrealist. That’s why I can’tgive much credit to Eric’s claimthat the non-acknowledgement ofrace will lead to the eradication ofracial separatism. In the long historyof the world, problems havenot been solved through non-activism.Maybe one day, the “enclavesof racial separatism” willbe non-existent; but it won’t bethrough denial.Mike Lee ’05students would actually increase.Students would attempt to compensateinformally for the lack ofcoordinated support. You pickwhich is more hostile, and whichmore beneficial.It’s agreed: the “solicitous thirdyear”should not have asked hispresumptuous question and ledyou to the APALSA table. And yet,I believe that we are lucky thatthis table existed -— which, sooneror later, you would have discoveredon your own.Andreas Stargard ’03Brown’s Mountain party for everyyear in which Mr. Ritz and Ihave attended this law school.Part of the prudence in doing sois to inform students, many ofwhom have never been to theMountain, the importance andunique need to arrange carpoolsand overnight stays. Mr. Ritz’spraise for the Law Weekly and itsrecent changes is well overdue,and the Law Weekly should beapplauded for its excellent, andoften thankless, work. However,it is a shame that with that complimenthad to come an unnecessary,and inaccurate criticism ofthe “SBA Secretary.” There is noreason to single out a student asMr. Ritz did. It is a cheap shot. Inthis case, a misfire. Please notethat I believe that Mr. Ritz’s commentswere not meant maliciously,but that these commentswere worth noting. Even if Mr.Ritz found the Secretary’s use ofe-mail inappropriate, there weremany more cordial and effectivemeans of expressing that view.Scott Luftglass ’04Presidents, Kate Duvall (B) andNick Margida (D), are devoted tomaking your Thursdays forgettable,with kegs in the courtyard and cheapbooze at Bar Review. Our Treasureris Mike Bailey (E), an Alabamaboy you can trust* with yourmoney. Ben Keane (C) is a phenomenalsecretary, just be careful whatyou say around him, because I’msure he’s taking notes. There arefour first-year SBA representatives.They are: Danielle Muraca (E), awoman dedicated to promoting theinterests of fellow first-years; RobOzols (G), a fisherman and a scholar;Scot Strube (J), an experienced councilmanwho can take us places; andJohn Hardman (H), whom I hear isquite the looker but is coastingthrough life on his brother’s coattails.Chris Kavanaugh (F) andRebecca MacDowell (C) are, as AdmittedStudents Weekend Co-Chairs, two individuals committedR. Verkerke: “I took a coldshower yesterday. It was the mostmind-altering thing I’ve donesince high school.”R. Verkerke: “You probablyhave a little more protection inthose lockers than the rentalagreement would let on.... That’sgood news for those of you thatkeep your stashes in your lockers.More helpful informationfrom your Employment Lawclass.”M. Dooley: “There’s no possibleway you could know theanswer to this question, but I’mgoing to ask anyway. That’scalled the Socratic method.”M. Dooley: “You’re an involuntaryvolunteer. What’s thiscase about?Student: “Um . . . .ah . . . It’sa merger.”M. Dooley: “Yes, indeed.You’re off to a good start.”Student: “I don’t really believethis argument, so it’s hardfor me to make.”R. Schragger: “What if I waspaying you $300 an hour?”Student: “Yeah. I could dothat.”R. Schragger: “We ended lasttime with me spouting inflammatorythings. Which happensfrequently. This time it wasAaron’s fault.”R. Schragger: “Yeah. Yeah. .. Thanks for skipping ahead tothe end of the class. You’re notallowed to destroy dichotomiesin here. Its just not what we do.”R. Schragger: “And thenthere’s an urban community. Thebeing together of strangers. Yousee people on the subway. It’serotic.”J. Setear: “Democrats seemto be more in favor of treaties asa means of international problemsolving. The -epublicans aremore fond of the Marines.”J. Setear: “One can imaginean autocrat learning about atreaty to which he wished to subscribeand just saying ‘make itso.’ Not to imply that CaptainKirk was an autocrat. He wasvery process orient-d. And it wastouching when he sang to thekids too. But leaving Star Trekaside...”J. Setear: “As wealth increases,population growth tendsto slow down. Some of the Scandinaviancountries are even losingpeople: it’s all the supermodelexporting.””to making the class of 2007 thestrongest to ever come to Virginia.The Public Service Co-Chairs areJim Pinna (B), a sweet, sensitive,caring, and compassionate man;and Jennifer Wine (H), a motivatedand talented do-gooder. AndJustin Steinschriber (F) is all aboutthe memories as this year’s YearbookChair. Other members of theFYC include Katherine Allen (L),Chad Bell (A), Lindsay Buchanan(I), Hetal Doshi (L), MargaretLoiselle (K), Karl Malloy (J), RudyMehrbani (A), Allen Robinsen (I),Sarah Teich (D), and Miles Treakle(K). And I am Hill Hardman (G),your new FYC president. If youhave any questions or suggestionsthroughout the year, please do nothesitate to discuss them with me,the other me, or any of the representativesin FYC. Good times lieahead. See you at Foxfield, rain orshine.

Features4 Virginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003Working Sucks Big TimeAccording to Alumnusby Thaddeus Lorenzo ’03My name is Thad L., Esquire.I am a lawyer. Being a lawyer ismuch like being a law student,except that being a law studentis way, way better than thingslike root canals, paper cuts, andpuke-burps, whereas being a lawyeris not.When first approached with theidea that I give the kids a look atlife on the outside, I thought, “Wellthat’s really going to cut into mynon-billable time.” (And by “nonbillabletime,” I mean “sleep.”)Then I thought, “Wow, I’d muchrather be burping puke into mymouth thanworking.”As I’m sittinghere inmy office lateon Sundaynight, mymind wanders.No, I’mnot dwellingon thingssuch as theperfect brief,or backingsomeone intoa corner duringa deposition.Peoplecaught daydreaming about thatstuff should be punched in theear.Instead, I’m stuck on thethought that I really, reallywould like to own a time machine.It wouldn’t have to be anythingfancy, just as long as it wascapable of sending me backwardand forward through the timespacecontinuum at the push of abutton.Those of us who are totally notlosers but had a nonsexual mancrushon Michael J. Fox — butagain, who are totally not losers— remember Back to the FutureII, wherein the aged Biff Tannenuses a time-traveling DeLoreanto propel himself back to 1955from the year 2015 with the solepurpose of giving a younger versionof himself a copy of Gray’sSports Almanac.If I owned such a vehicle, Iwould travel in time to the year1999 to visit a younger, thinnerversion of myself. First I wouldcompliment myself on how youngand thin I look. After getting overthe awkwardness of such a comment,the two of us would have alittle sit-down.Stupid Thad: I’m about readyto graduate, and I want to go tolaw school and then work for abig firm and make a lot of money.Money is totally awesome.Bitter Thad: I hate you. Youhave no idea what you’re doing tous.ST: But money?BT: Shut yer pie hole, moron.ST: I’m not a moron. I scoredvery well on my LSAT. See?At this point, I would reachinto my back pocket, pull out afresh copy of Gray’s Sports Almanac,and beat Stupid Thadsenseless with it.But, alas, I’ve yet to figure outthe complexities of the flux capacitor,nor do I own a DeLoreanin which to place a flux capacitor,so I will have to live with thedecisions of Stupid Thad.But you do not.I won’t condone anything drastic.I’m simplytellingyou to dropout of school.If you’ve al-courtesy advantagebizservices.com“High quality of life”ready acceptedan offerof employment,call them upand un-acceptby tellingthem to“eat it.” (Ifthey act confused,emphasizethefact thatthey should shut their pie holesand eat it.)There’s a reason that 75 percentof the corporate attorneysin my office play the lottery.We’re not playing to fund thedevelopment of a personal bookof business. We’re playing so thatwe don’t have to worry about arrogantterms such as “book ofbusiness.” In fact, sometimes Iwish a year 2015 version of myselfwould show up and beat mesenseless with a book of business.I’m not implying there aren’tpeople who enjoy the practice oflaw, but I am implying that thosepeople are annoying and fat. Ican count on one hand the numberof people I graduated withwho don’t utterly despise workingfor a big firm. I can count onone finger the number of partnersat my firm who actuallyseem happy. I’m talking trulyhappy, not just “I make$500,000+ a year and drive aluxury vehicle with more squarefootage than the average apartment”happy. That speaks volumesto me.Stupid Thad: Well, Bitter Thad,if you dislike the practice of law somuch, why don’t you just quit?Bitter Thad: That’s a great idea,but you’re too late. I already gavenotice. My last day is October 15.So eat it.ST: But all my hard work…BT: I said eat it.Cincinnati, the Queen City,Rocks Both Ohio and Kentuckyby Sean Suder ’04The Greatest City on Earth! Well,at least to those of us who are fromthere. Cincinnatians harbor a deepsense of civic pride much like youmight encounter in people fromother venerable places such as NewYork City and Chicago. We trulybelieve there is Cincinnati and thereis everywhere else — mostly, welike being in the Queen City andwhen we’reaway wereminisceabout theplace andyearn to return.This isexemplifiedby the factthat no oneever leaves. Iam, in fact, afourth-generationCincinnatianand plan onreturning assoon as U.Va. releases me.Almost everyone I know whowent away to go to college and/or trythe “big city” has returned. Theycite things such as Cincinnati’s reasonablecost of living, its high qualityof life, their desire to raise afamily, or Cincinnati’s unexplainablebig city/small town feeling. It isbig enough that you can become lostin a cool neighborhood you havenever explored and small enoughthat you can go to a bar in the hillybar district overlooking downtownand see half of your high schoolclass. It is a place rich in history,tradition, and culture — a real city.The kind of place that becomes apart of who you are and gets in yourblood. It is also one of the quirkiestplaces I have ever been. Let meexplain.While Cincinnati is located inOhio, 25 percent of GreaterCincinnati’s two million residentslive south of the boarder in Kentucky.This automatically spicesthings up. Cincinnati’s airport —which you may have flown throughon a Delta flight — is actually inKentucky. There is even a largewater tower along I-75 in the Kentuckysuburbs that welcomes driversto “the South” with the words“Florence Y’All.” Yet trueCincinnatians don’t know the firstthing about the South. In Cincinnatiyou can shop at Saks and Tiffanyand eat at a five-star restaurant,yet be within miles of a bluegrassband singing the praises ofAppalachia. In fact, Cincinnati owesmany of its cultural roots to theAppalachian people. You can eat abratwurst and drink a Weidemannbeer at a West Side street festivaljust across town from one of thewealthiest ZIP codes in the UnitedStates where the Mercedes and theprivate jet rule. It is a place filledwith diametric oppositions.Cincinnati is united by its language;it even has its own patois. Infact, executives hired to work atProctor & Gamble’s Cincinnatiheadquarters are sent to a class onCincinnati culture as part of theirorientation. For example, whenhaving difficulty hearing someone,we say “please” instead of “excuseme” (based on the German word“bitte” which means “please” and“excuse me” in German — Cincinnatihas one of the largest Germancommunities in the United States).We talk in terms of “three ways,”“our ways,” and “five ways” and wespeak not of the obvious, that we aretalking about lunch: spaghetti, chili(made with cinnamon, nutmeg, anda secret ingredient?), shredded cheddarcheese, and oyster crackers (a“three way”). We refer to our highwaysas “viaducts” and “laterals”and speak dividedly about the “EastSide and West Side.” We don’t askwhere you went to college — whocares? We ask where you went tohigh school. Last year we packed45,000 people into a high schoolfootball game between a West-SideCatholic high school and an East-Side Catholic high school. Betterfootball than our Bengals, for sure!We are a bit parochial, I will admit,but what great place doesn’t haveits deeply-rooted language and traditions?We are also united by our game,baseball. We measure time not interms of an academic calendar or afiscal year but on Opening Day, theAll Star Break, and the World Series.We love baseball — for betteror worse. We would vote for PeteRose for President. And no, he didn’tbet on baseball, and even if he did,who cares?Our seven hills are covered invernacular buildings and capped bygrand church steeples situatedaround the Ohio River, which windsthrough the hills. Fascinated by historicpreservation, we have madesure that our tallest building remainsthe grand 1930s art decoCarew Tower. Our Roebling SuspensionBridge predates the BrooklynBridge and spans the banks ofthe Ohio in grandeur. At the sametime, we are the only city in theworld with buildings by four of themost famous modern architects,Zaha Hadid, Peter Eisenman, FrankGehry, and Michael Graves. Andlet’s not forget our flying pig statues!In the summer we spend ournights at numerous Catholic churchfestivals drinking beer from the tap,gambling, and dancing the nightaway — that is when the Reds aren’tin town. We are the birthplace ofReform Judaismand educatethenation’s Rabbisat the HebrewUnion In-photo courtesy memory.loc.govCincinnati circa 1908: It looked civilized from here.stitute. Wehave a renownedsymphony,opera,museums, researchcenters,universitiesand an awesomezoo, and,well, JerrySpringer too.And yes, you can go to hopping bardistricts, German beer gardens,swank trendy nightclubs, neighborhoodcoffee shops, concerts, ethnicfestivals….Around here I often find it necessaryto defend my choice to return toCincinnati to practice. So, I wasthinking of how I could best describemy choice and I rememberedan encounter I had this past summer.A new bankruptcy associatestarted at my firm. I walked intoher office overlooking Great AmericanBallpark and the river and askedher where she was from. She proceededto tell me she worked in alarge firm in New York City for sixyears. I of course asked her why shemoved to Cincinnati of all places.She put it this way… one afternoonafter she and her husband decidedto leave New York they were walkingon Park Avenue in New YorkCity and they were discussing thereactions they received from coworkersand friends about leavingNew York. The reactions were verysimilar — “Are you insane? Whywould you ever leave New YorkCity?” She turned to her husbandand said, “maybe we are the saneones” and never looked back. Hercommute in Cincinnati is 20 minutes,she has a great colonial on ahalf-acre lot, she gets to work at 8a.m. and leaves at 6 p.m., and willmake partner very soon. Meanwhile,she represents multi-billion dollarcorporations, a major league baseballteam, and a national airline.I think Cincinnati is one ofAmerica’s best-kept secrets. To meit represents the “good life.” I amnot saying it is for everyone, however.When you are thinking ofwhere you want to be, think of what’simportant to you and what you reallywant out of life. Great thingscan often be found in unexpectedplaces. If you expand your mindgeographically you may just be surprisedwhat you find that you like.CROSSWORDSOLUTION

Possibly the best book I’ve readin a month — well, excepting theHarry Potter books, which reallyare that good — is one that somejokester family members pickedup for me at a book sale. It’s called“29 Reasons Not to go to LawSchool,” and is written by two exlawyerswho claim that “This bookcan save you three years, $70,000Kristianna Brugger,a third-year lawstudent, is a LawWeekly columnist.and your sanity.”Every word inside it is hilariously,painfully true, from descriptionsof law school classmates (e.g.“the drudge,” “the money grubber,”“the compulsive talker,” etc.)to warnings for the future (e.g.sections entitled “No One Loves aLawyer,” “Mortgaging Your Future,”and “Legal Ethics: Up FromWatergate”). I highly recommendit to anyone and everyone in thislaw school, if for no other reasonthan an occasional reality checkand a good belly laugh. After all,It’s been a surreal Septemberand who knows what October willbring. Within the first few days ofthe month, a new softball teamdubbed the Ice Luge All Stars wasborn. Around the same time, aOreste McClung,a third-year lawstudent, is a LawWeekly columnist.party was had after the DandelionParade. There was a dog there,and that is all I have to say aboutthat. On the same day, in a classicconversation, one of many had inrecent weeks, a new nickname wascoined. “Who are you? Sh*ttyMcGee?” Those were the words thatrolled off the tongue of the cleverpeer advisee, who now goes by Vlad.The new name is a serious bastardizationof Horsty McLiver, but entertainingnonetheless.Days later, a new ApplePowerBook arrived in the mail,I tried several times to makewith the funny on a topic unrelatedto interviewing but havethus far failed thrice. In light ofthis creative impairment I willsimply give in to the dark side oftemptation and add my 50 Centon the topic of interviewing.Scott Pluta, a secondyearlaw student, isthe Law WeeklyTreasurer.Listening to Ice Cube’s Todaywas a Good Day, I am inspired todetail for you what I would considera perfect interviewing experience.Well, maybe not perfect,but one that ends happilywithout me dropping trou or mypolice record becoming the centraltheme of the interview (howwas I to know you couldn’t dothat in Virginia?).I log on to CASE and click onthe only link available. It’s called“The Right Job for You.” Insteadof being forwarded to what I thinkof as the right job for me, Britishsecret agent/rock star, I’m presentedwith a résumé submissionbutton for the San Diego lawfirm of my dreams, I’ll call itHappy, Happy & Fun LLP, orHHF for short. I actually do fromtime to time dream about thingssuch as law firms but mostly IVirginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003 Columns 5Signs You are Becoming a Legal Caricaturethe more you know about a potentialdanger, the more you can do toavert disaster.While it would have been niceto read this gem of reality humorbefore I sent in the law schoolapps, I still remain optimistic —some would say, in denial — aboutthe future. Despite the fact thatwe’ll soon be lawyers, I believethere is a respectable chance forus all to be decent people and leadreasonably normal lives — as longas we’re careful not to let the pitfallsof our profession get the bestof us. After two years and a monthat U.Va. Law, I feel as qualified asanyone to alert all of you to somecommon warning signs, that, ifneglected, could lead to “stereotypicallawyer syndrome” — andpossibly becoming the 30th reason“Not to Go to Law School.”1) You have begun to use wordslike “sequester” in casual conversation.We all use nerd words sometimeswhen hanging out with otherlawyers, but be careful of how yousound when you’re talking to normalpeople. I don’t remember whatI said or to whom, but for somebut despite its deserved reputationas awesome, it was still susceptibleto the whims of the mythicalforce known as the Law Schoolwireless system. This force doesnot know whether it wants to becalled Stinky, Netgear, Tsunami,or Wahoo. It often answers toWahoo, but Stinky is certainlymore fitting. Yeah, we have gonewireless, but there sure are a lot ofstrings attached. Does anyone elsethink this school has been takenover by some insane Puppeteer?On the 17th, a buddy (let’s callher Chubbah) and I were walkingacross the street, and we were hitby a canoe-topped car going inreverse driven by a heavily-tattooed,mute driver. Chubbah wasknocked right out of her shoes, butamazingly no major damage occurredto either of us. Mr. Driver,we seem to be okay, and for yourefforts we give thanks. Thanks forthe awkward silent stare and thetotal lack of concern for our health.Thanks also for backing up for noreason a joke about “sequesteringthe turkey” — aimed at me, ofcourse — has now become aThanksgiving tradition in theBrugger household. Outsiders enjoymaking fun of lawyer-speak atany opportunity. Don’t encouragethem.2) No matter what happens tofamily/friends, your response isalways, “Hey, you could sue forthat!”The only thing worse than makingthis statement is continuingon to debate potential causes ofaction and a likelihood of successon the merits. Plus, after a while,your ultra-conservative dad/friend/neighbor will launch into aresponse speech entitled, “See,that’s why the trial lawyers areruining our country!”3) Even your mother starts admittingthat you’re egotistical.I think this one is self-explanatory.For a quick dose of humility,go immediately to the medicalschool and talk to people who arelearning how to save lives. But becareful not to tell them you’re alaw student, or they’ll probablybeat you up.One Surreal Septemberreason at all. Actually, thanks forreminding me a day before Isabelthat life is short, and you justnever know when you will get hitby a car. By this point, I had feltready to embrace the storm, butnow I know that confidence andpoise can be as permanent as footprintsin the shoreline sand.So following the near-death experience,the storm dubbed Isabelmade a visit to lovely C’ville. TheCyclops blinked her eye and treesfell and wires flew. Cars were splitin half and rivers raged in unfamiliarterritories. Her spiral of lowpressure brought with it the crazeof one hundred full moons. Therewere flirtations with death and morememorable conversations.Charlottesville was hit prettyhard in general, but possible tornadicactivity made ClevelandAvenue look like a war zone. Withsome in-shock Cleveland Avenueresidents, a post-Isabel breakfastwas had at Waffle House, one ofthe few places open for business4) You point out all the technicalerrors in Law & Order, AllyMcBeal, and other law-basedshows.You: “That objection is entirelywithout foundation! It’s a crossexamination;he’s supposed to beleading the witness!”Friend: “Oh, look at the time…”5) You realize all your friendsare lawyers.Not a good plan. All your lawyerfriends will think these warningsigns are normal behavior, andwithout intervention, you’ll all beturning into stereotypes together.Join a yoga class! Play soccer withnon-law grad students! Anything!6) You start writing personal e-mails in either a) outline form, orb) bullet points.Also alarming is a tendency towrite newspaper columns the sameway. Rats.7) Immediately after meetingyou, people say, “Are you a [lawstudent/lawyer]?”This one is a little tricky, sinceevery once in a while, people actuallyassociate good qualities — likebeing articulate or extroverted —with lawyers. Laypeople are soon that gray Friday morning.Words cannot adequately describethat you-had-to-be-there experienceon a most surreal of mornings.Suffice it to say that thefresh, new-looking ketchup bottleactually had things growing in it,and the maker of the bacon wasintent on coughing up her lungs toprovide an appetizing side dish.So, the food was less than ideal,but the mind said “eat up and youwill no longer be hungry,” and howoften do my mind and body wantto do different things? Well, thefood went fast.In the aftermath of Isabel, thepower was out for several days.Cold showers became all too routineand candle wax was everywhere.The refrigerator now smellslike hot garbage at a paper millwith a hint of rotten egg mixed in.Yummy yummy.In the last few days, good timeswere spent with visiting parentsand friends. The low-pressure systemstill seemed to have some lin-A Good Day on the Interview Circuitdream about playing high schoolfootball again.Anyways, I click on the buttonand VOOM, off my résumé goesto HHF. The HHF recruiter issimply delightedwith the contentsof myrésumé. She isimpressed thatI’m conversantin Spanish andthat I have aworking knowledgeofBloomberg. Sheis also impressedthat, given mytendency to commitwhite-collarcrimes combinedwith an inabilityto add or subtract,I was ableto achieve thelofty heights ofTreasurer of theLaw Weekly. Sheshoots an e-mail to Career Servicesand yippy skippy I get aninterview scheduled for the nextday.Tomorrow arrives and I realizethat I have a softball gamethat immediately precedes myscheduled interview. Since I don’thave time between my game andthe interview to change into mysnazzy suit in a timely fashion, adifficult decision has to be made. Iforgo the suit. My priorities inorder, I enter the interview roomclad in my best DPA softball jersey.The dirt is so thick across mychest from the game-winning slideat home plate that the interviewercan hardly make out the picture ofthe bewildered yet loveable andpunchable donkey that adorns thefront of my jersey. The interviewer,already impressed with the way inwhich I carry myself — and myblack knee high socks — asks mebut two questions: “why San Diegoand why HHF?” I hold up twofingers. For one, I tell him of mylove for girls with long beautifulblond hair with sparkling angelicblue eyes. For two, I confess thatthe salary HHF is offering wouldbe sufficient tofeed my insatiableappetitefor expensiveconsumer electronicsand OldEnglish 800.Needless to sayphoto by Sam YoungOne of these people is thinking interesting thoughts.That will soon change.the interviewerschedulesme for acallback interviewpost hasteand I’m in SanDiego the nextday.My first interviewin theHHF office iswith a partnerin litigation.He asks aboutmy experiencelast summer. I in turn ask him, asI furiously open and close my TrapperKeeper, “How was your mom’sexperience last summer, Jimmy?”Happy that I’ve showed an interestin his mother the next halfhour goes smoothly, revolvingmostly his mother’s experiencesfrom the previous summer. Mynext interviewer looks like AdamSchiff from Law & Order — I pointfickle about these things, you justnever know. But if you also happento have abnormal amounts ofgel in your hair, or have just said,“Hey, you could sue for that!” thenit’s probably less likely to be acompliment.8) You have dreams aboutthings like promissory estoppel.Also self-explanatory. If thisoccurs at any time other than finalexams, seek professional help immediately.9) You can’t remember thenames of your immediate familymembers, but you know all thejudges in the Fourth Circuit.This is especially troublesomeif you practice in, say, the NinthCircuit.10) You’re reading this list.Worse yet, you’re reading thislist in the middle of class, tryingto hide it behind your laptopscreen. Seriously, over-readinglawyer humor can be anotherexample of potentially devastatinginsularity. At least go tocnn.com and learn about the restof the world! (That is, if you’reone of the lucky ones with a workingwireless card.)gering effects as musical performerson the Downtown Mall begansinging songs from the perspectiveof Kermit the Frog late intothe evening. And the songs wentsomething like this: “Miss Piggyknows the music to my heart. Ilove you, Miss Piggy.” Come on;sing it in the Kermit voice, and allyour troubles will go away.Alas, I have been rambling onfor a while now, and perhaps youare wondering what the point ofthis column is. Well, one cannotsay exactly that there is a point.But, if you so desire a moral to thestory, it is that life is more unpredictablethan any story. If I wereto read the story of my life thismonth, I would get angry at theauthor for not making it the leastbit realistic. In this month ofdrama, not all of which I can sharewith you, I have learned that ourvulnerability both fills our heartsand stirs our minds, and thatlaughter, if not just the companyof one another, can get us through.this out immediately. For the restof the interview he pretends he’sDistrict Attorney Adam Schiff andI’m Assistant D.A. Jack McCoyand we drink bourbon on the rocksand talk about how much we hateJason Sehorn for stealing AngieHarmon away from us.My second-to-last intervieweris from New York. He looks downon people from the Midwest andwhen he sees that I’m from Wisconsinhe asks me how many cowsI have on my farm. Impressed withmy lightening-quick roshambotechnique he gives a gaspingthumbs up to my employmentand sends me on my way. My lastinterviewer has long beautifulblond hair with sparkling angelicblue eyes. We quote Proust andsip tea for the half hour, speakingof times past and of punchand pie. She asks me if I want togo to Taco Bell for lunch — I’m inlove.After lunch I stop back in theoffice to meet with the last survivingnamed partner of the firm,Mr. Huxtable Fun. I tell Mr. Funthat I’m willing to work very hardfor his firm and to add valuewherever I can along the way. Inexchange all I ask for is a placewhere I can be a happy soul andlead a happy, fun life. He likesmy shallow wit and offers me ajob on the spot. I accept and wehug. The end.

6 Columns & ReviewsVirginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003VANGUARD Today, Gone TomorrowGuess who’s back? Back again.VANGUARD’s back, tell a friend.What up trailer park girls! Justwhen you thought it was safe tomake out during Hung Jury’s“Livin’ on a Prayer” encore. Justwhen you thought we wouldn’tnotice if you threw up all overyourself. Just when you thoughtwe weren’t tracking your everytantalizing move... the VANGUARDis back baby! Social order is restored.There is a reason to liveagain.Tom O’Grady, athird-year lawstudent, is LawWeekly AssociateColumns Editor.VANGUARD has been undergroundthe past few weeks justwatching the precious U.Va. Lawuniverse attempt to get by withouthim. “Thank God we don’t haveto put up with that insufferableVANGUARD,” they said. “I’m so sickof those stupid initials and theirstupid antics,” they cried. “Wedon’t need them in our lives,” theythought.I normally think Mother Natureis a good mother. She hasgiven us so many greens and blues,and she made the koala bear. I’venever seen one of those small bears,but I sometimes buy Snuggle FabricSoftener, and I understand thatthe Snuggle Bear is a distant relative.And I really like the SnuggleBear. Not just because of what hedoes to my fabric, which can’t beoverstated, but because of someother things that I can’t reallyexplain but I’m pretty sure arereal. And the greens and bluesand koalas aren’t all nature has tooffer.A Bad Case ofthe Benjaminsby Nick BenjaminJust the other day, while traipsingthrough a nearby copse, I cameupon a bed of lilies and begonias.At first I was overcome by the urgeto lie in the bed of lilies and begonias,mainly for symbolic reasons,but then I picked some and broughtthem home to my mother, whoisn’t Mother Nature, but who is anexcellent mother nonetheless. Andshe loved them! It made me thinkthat Mother Nature had reallydone a good job with this world,making daughters who becomeI’m a fairly negative person. Idon’t like nature. I don’t like birthdays.I particularly dislike small,noisy children. But hell hath nofury like my scorn for the wirelessnetwork. I mean you abso-f*ckinglutelyhave to be kidding me. I don’tremember what “ITC” stands for,but I’m guessing that it is not “Instituteof Technological Convenience.”Angry Rantingby Lee KovarskyFor most trilogies, the third installmentis the worst, but the wirelessnetwork is the Godfather III ofthe Virginia TelecommunicationsSaga. Computing 101: Are We ReallyStill Using ISIS? and Computing201: Honey, I Found the GlitchThat Was Randomly Deleting E-mails were clearly debacles in theirown right, but Computing 301: TheWireless Network Mystery exhibitsso many of the genre’s flaws thataudiences must ask themselvesWhy do they hate, when allVANGUARD does is love?“You fools,” VANGUARD thought,“don’t you know how much youneed me? How you can barely functionwithout me?” VANGUARD bidedhis time. He waited for his prophecyto come true. He watched thestudent body get soft and listlessas issue after issue of Law Weeklyappeared with no VANGUARD. Hesat in exile as the studentsstruggled with the age-old question:If a keg stand occurs in thewoods and VANGUARD can’t reportit, does it really happen?VANGUARD has witnessed thedisastrous consequences. The A-list has retreated to their ownworld, their exploits no longer soglamorous, no longer back-pagefodder. Meanwhile, the masses arerestless, left out. They want toknow what they are missing. Theywant to know what they can’t have!No longer can they catch a fleetingtaste of the good life.VANGUARD has waited longenough. He knows you need him.He knows that you know that youneed him. VANGUARD provides apublic service. VANGUARD is back!First off, VANGUARD has got topour one out for his fallen homey4L G.F., a.k.a that Ryan Seacrestlookingblond-haired kid who alwaysdressed really nicely. VAN-GUARD is going to miss his seersuckersmile around the halls. Butwhatever baby, VANGUARD doesn’thate, VANGUARD loves.With the first month of the schoolyear in the books, VANGUARD is totallyshocked by how many totallycool things have happened that havenot been reported. Last Wednesdaynight for example, 3Ls D.S., B.W.,D.M., and S.S. played beer ponguntil nearly 4 a.m. While D.M. andS.S. just stopped short of pattingeach other on the bottom after eachsuccessful shot, they did high-fiveeach other hardcore after each victorywhile saying things like “Youknow it, baby” and “Next.”VANGUARD thought he had a littletoo much to drink at the Brown’sMountain houseparty until he saw3L J.J. striking out with the ladiesleft and right. Two lines that apparentlydon’t work: “I’m from the Releasethe Twins foundation…” andthe Roadhouseian “You gonna bemy regular Saturday night thing,baby.” Luckily by the time H.J. tookthe stage, the dance floor wasdirrrrtier than a Xina Aguiliera concert.Words were meaningless andforgettable.3Ls T.O., T.W., and S.L. took arare night off and totally watchedMTV’s new reality smash Newlywedslast Monday. They couldn’tbelieve Jessica Simpson was capableof housing Wendy’s for breakfastand then announcing to the tablethat she had to “go drop the kids offat the pool” and “it’s probably goingto take about an hour.” Poor S.L.was distraught. He doesn’t like tothink of his virgin pop stars in thatposition. He spent the rest of theeveningtrollingwww.maturehizzies.com to try totake his mind off it. Oh snap, insidejokes!!!!Don’t think VANGUARD neglectsthe 1L ranks. 1L J.A. totally wentoff last Thursday by ordering jerseynumber 69 for his new section softballteam. It was hilarious to choose69 because it is a sexual position.Not to be outdone, 1L N.H. fired upthe big 00 for his jersey. He was like“What? What? I’m double zero baby.Double zero.” VANGUARD was like,Mother Nature Reviewed with Mixed Emotionsmothers who have sons, and allthe while sharing the credit andthe bounty.But then not everything MotherNature does is so good.Take HurricaneIsabel. HurricaneIsabel, while clearly achild of nature, wasnothing like theSnuggle bear or thelovely begonia. HurricaneIsabel spent quitea while brewing off thesouthern coast of ourcountry, and thenmade landfall somewhereon the NorthCarolina coast thispast Thursday. It tooka while to get toCharlottesville,though it somehowmanaged to preemptivelyknock out ourelectrical grid, andwhen it got here it wasbad on a number oflevels.The first bad thing about HurricaneIsabel was all of the troubleand fear that it created. I had tostay home all day on Thursdayand Friday because my classeswere canceled. I couldn’t drivebecause all of the traffic lightsaround town went out and I don’tfeel comfortable driving in a worldwhere there are no rules. I couldn’teat because my refrigerator diedand my milk went bad. I couldn’twatch TV because the cables hadgotten tangled in the storm. Icouldn’t read because the electricitywasn’t working and my housedoesn’t have any windows. Myroommates and I tried talking butthat was only good for half an houror so and even then wasn’t reallythat good. I spent some time infront of the mirror, trying to findmyself, but that doesn’t work verywell in the dark. Plus, the verynice Asian lady at the nearby 7-Eleven who calls me “Macho Man”had her car destroyed by a fallingbranch. That’s not fair.All that was a problem, and notvery cool of the mother at all, butI think maybe the worst thingabout the hurricane was the lackof excitement. Am I wrong, or is ahurricane just a really windy, rainyday? At least an earthquake or aWireless Network Reviewed with Displeasurewhether this one is worth the$30,000 price of admission.When we returned to school thisfall many of us mistakenly presumedthat our inability to access the wirelessnetwork in Withers-Brown wasa consequence of the new “noInternet in class” rule. We quicklylearned that this was not the case —students’ failure to connect easily tothe network was instead a result ofan unrelated interest in securing a“closed” network, a significant andcontroversial networking decisionfor which, apparently, it was notnecessary to solicit student input.Not that anybody really asks for myinput about anything, but I’m sureother people would have had somethingto say about it. Setting myfeelings about the merits of opennetworks aside for a moment, I firstpromise that I will never, ever againmistakenly assume that disruptionsin our wireless communications infrastructurebear a logical relationshipto any widely-communicatedinstitutional objective.Registering a wireless card is, ofcourse, easy. So is reconfiguring theHurricane Isabel: 1, U.Va.: 0network settings on a computer.Granted, few of us ever knew theywere supposed to do the second one.“You got an e-mail,” we’re told. Yeah— no sh*t. We got an email fromITC about that, and we also got oneregarding just about every otherthing on God’s green earth. I mean,I was really relieved when, this summer,waiting for a message from apartner at 2:08 in the morning, Ireceived an e-mail reassuring methat the SLH printer’s double-sidedcopying functionality was re-enabled.How about a subject line thattells me when I’m supposed to payattention — something along thelines of “How to connect to the wirelessnetwork.”And on behalf of everyone whohas wireless at home, I would alsolike to thank the new networkingrules for thoroughly disrupting thatotherwise helpful technology. I don’twant to spoil the ending for myreaders, but if you have a wirelessconnection at home, reconfiguringyour network settings will, in allprobability, severely retard yourInternet access there. In addition to“Hell yeah, man.” In other softballrelated news, VANGUARD has decidedthat should it ever don a softballjersey again, it will wear single zeroand the nickname “Manchild.” Ifonly someone would invite VANGUARDto play on a team. Aww don’t youlove when VANGUARD acts all sad.VANGUARD also overheard 1L T.B.mention that if he gets called on byhis seating chart-less professor he’sjust going to sit there and not sayanything thus making the professorthink he is not there, even thoughhe is actually in the classroom. Bigups TB!Finally, VANGUARD is obligatedto give a lone straight-upshoutout to 3L M.A. who actuallyconceived the idea of the FakeVANGUARD — most likely as amechanism to get his stupidname in the paper. The kidquacks under pressure — whichis bad, not good.VANGUARD knows he is rustyand out of the loop. With yourhelp, the cream will rise to thetop again. Help VANGUARD helpyou. Please, if you have any greattidbits of gossip, e-mail me atyouaresomint@vanguard.com.tornado has some kind of signaturestyle; a hurricane just rollsthrough and inexplicably destroysa lot of stuff.Anyway, all of this gotme thinking aboutMother Nature in a kindof exploratory way, andI’m not so sure how I feelabout her anymore. Yes,there is a lot of beauty inthe world, but we all die,don’t we? Is somethingreally a gift if it ultimatelygets taken away?Sure, our lives seempretty long to us, butimagine how short theymust seem from theMother’s frame of reference.And what about allof those really scarylunch ladies out there?You know, the ones withthe impossible facialbristles and the butts aswild and arid as the Russiansteppe? The Motherphoto by Maggie Samramade them too.And so, for today, even thoughthe sun is shining and the grassout here in front of the Law Schoolis pretty damned green, I’m givingMother Nature a thumbs down.And for those of you who disagree,answer me this: Where is the garden,and wherein lie the wild berries?receiving instructions regardinghow to reconfigure our network settings,students would have appreciatedsome technical support for dealingwith what were, apparently,home-wireless problems that ITCforesaw. Home-wireless technologyproviders would doubtlessly complainabout a policy that effectivelyforces students to choose betweentheir service and that of the school,except it seems that most studentshave in fact chosen that domesticoption over the chance to contortoneself around a Scott Commonstoilet just to get a wireless signal.I must confess that I’ve saved myfavorite complaint for last. A friendof mine has a non-Cisco wirelesscard. Non-Cisco cards, he was told,may not work on the new wirelessnetwork. Well golly-gee!! Wasn’tthat a pleasant waste of one hundredand fifty dollars? I’m really nota fan of the “I pay thirty thousanddollars a year and all I get is thislousy…” line of student agitation,but come on. If the Law School isgoing to make a decision that effectivelyrenders useless certain equipmentpurchased with the expectationthat it would last for severalyears, it should have a less cavalierattitude about it — no pun intended.Of course, the “you should havebought a Cisco card” rejoinder isentirely consistent with ITC’sbroader policy of encouraging studentsto purchase most equipmentat a 100% markup from CavalierComputers.Audiences greeted the new wirelessnetwork with a mixture ofoutrage and confusion. In responseto this blistering critical assault,the Director has cast his lot withthe likes of David Lynch and othersurrealists by arguing that “noteverything needs a reason.” Uponbeing confronted directly by theincoherence of his oeuvre, the Directorcontinued to restate hissomewhat cryptic and wholly frustratingmantra: “if you have questions,please fill out an email ticketand submit it over the network.”(You know, the network you can’tconnect to.)THE WIRELESS NETWORK– 0 Stars; Directed by Gary Banks

I like movies about politicians.I especially like it when the protagonist— let’s say his name isHenry — lives in a river town onthe edge of a vast and golden prairie,a place where the men tiptheir hats when they pass eachother on the street. I supposepeople don’t wear hats any more,unless you count baseball caps;but the little men that inhabit myimagination wear Cavanaughs. Idon’t wear a hat, but I like thecolor orange.George ofthe Jungleby George PenceHenry has a son, Johnny, whois a precocious but irascible thirdgrader. Before he heads to schoolin the morning, Johnny milksPriscilla, the family cow. Johnnydoesn’t much appreciate his morn-Whether post-mass or post-coitus,Sunday brunch is one of thosethings that makes life worth living.And Charlottesville is blessed withmore than its fair share of pleasantlittle eateries to take your morningmeal in.I am somehow convinced that nobrunch spot worth its salt shouldaccept credit cards, but I know fromexperience how embarrassing it canbe when it comes time to pay up andall you have is plastic, so I notedVirginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003 Reviews 7Chris Rock’s Triumph of the Human Spiriting chores. This is especially truein wintertime, when he has to rubBag Balm on Priscilla’s chappedudders. However, Priscilla likesJohnny, especially in wintertime.Henry’s wife, Sarah, was thegirl all the guys fought over inhigh school. Everyone thought shewas destined to marry a varsityathlete or an underwear modelfrom the Big City. But she choseHenry. With her keen intellect andsubtle powers of persuasion, shekeeps her politician husband andtrouble-making child in line.Sadly, no director has seen fitto film this movie. But the comedianChris Rock has co-written,produced, and directed Head ofState, starring Bernie Mack and,well, Chris Rock. Head of State isnow on the shelves at Blockbuster,along with many other movies.Head of State is about MaysGilliam (Chris Rock), a black aldermanfrom Washington, D.C.,who is selected by a political partyto be their candidate for Presidentof the United States. The catch isthat the party leadership doesn’twant Gilliam to win, so they sethim up to fail in his election bid.Along the campaign trail, Gilliamfinds true love, bonds with his bailbondsman brother, and destroysthe careers of some stuffy whitepeople (see Henry, supra).More importantly, Gilliam discoversthat politicians have it allwrong. The “people” don’t want awell-spoken President, one who isknowledgeable about worldevents. What the people reallywant is a fast-talking, Nikejumpsuit-wearing,man of thestreets, who is more at home withthe pimps and hos of his wardthan with the high-flying men offinance who pull the strings in thenation’s capital.As I said, I like movies aboutpoliticians. Head of State, however,has none of the qualities thatmake movies about politiciansgreat. And it’s not because thereare no underwear models or littleboys named Johnny, whose handsare covered in Bag Balm.Frankly, Gilliam has no ideas,no vision. He vents a lot of halfbakedrhetoric about sticking upfor poor people and fighting “theman”, but he demonstrates nograsp of the issues, nor any conceptionof the solutions. He’s aclownish reconstitution of “theman” he so despises.At this point in my review, you,gentle reader, probably want tocudgel me by way of reminder thatHead of State is a comedy starringChris Rock. You might have somesuccess getting that messagethrough my unimaginably thickskull if this movie were funny. Butthere’s not more than 15 secondsof comedy in the entire movie.Moreover, the Cudgel War wasfought in the area of Finland inthe late 16th Century. As one historiannotes, “[a]t first glance theA few minutes ago this was areview of Hurricane Isabel and me.But I realized that my experiencewas pretty tame — eighteen hourswithout power and one leaky window— so instead I’m dedicatingthis column to those brave men andwomen who, as of Copyright onMonday morning were still withoutpower. Way to show up — not thatan electricity-free house has thatmuch allure.Now on to an exciting columnabout monkeys, themammals that peoplelove to like. (Just beglad I’m not MeatMan Dan Murphy, orthis review would getreal disturbing, realquick.) Rememberwhen you used to goto the zoo and laughat (or was it with?)the monkeys? Neitherdo I.Black and WhiteColobus Monkey —If Santa had an afroinstead of a red hat —and were a monkeyinstead of an amalgamationof religion, tradition, andmarketing — he might look a lotlike this monkey. According to thewar may look like an ordinary rebellionstarted by unsatisfied peasants.However, there was muchmore to it…The War got its namefrom the spiked clubs that thepeasants used.” (See http://www.uta.fi/~mo70181/fileet/cw.htm)Of course, I was in a veryvolatile mood when I watchedHead of State, which might explainmy hostile reaction and mypenchant for viewing websitesthat contain narrative accountsof angry peasants beating eachother with spiked clubs. Also, mymother, who called me about halfway through the movie, kept callingme Greg. She also warned methat Armageddon might be coming,which is a real bitch. Despitethese troubles — and many morewhich some of you are probablyjust beginning to guess at — Ithink my review of Head of Stateis the most insightful one thatyou’ll ever read.C’Ville Brunch: It’s Better Than Chocolate and Indoor SportsRipped Fuelby Laurie Ripperwhich restaurants accept and whichdon’t.Blue Bird Café — Very lively,lots of people to be watched, and anice backup if Southern Cultureand Blue Moon are packed, sincethey are all in the same vicinity.Lots of variety, and accommodatingfor larger groups — perfect for thosetimes when some people in yourparty want a real hearty lunch andothers want more breakfasty fare.Blue Moon — The painfully slowservice is something to be savored,not resented. Just be wary not tocome with someone you don’t knowtoo well, as you could end up staringat him or her across the table for anintolerably long time. Tasty andcheap and one of the few places Iknow where you are encouraged toget your own damn coffee.Bluegrass Grill — Sadly, notopen on Sunday due to their freakishlyorthodox religious leanings —some of the literature they have inthe restaurant raises my eyebrow,notably the surprisingly chipper“Death to the World” zine — butstill a great place for down-homecooking in an unpretentious atmosphere.They also serve deliciousscrambled tofu for those of us witha bit of granola in us. Plus, myroommate saw Cissy Spacek therelast weekend, so it’s got to be good.Bodo’s — Great if you’re in ahurry, but the fast food atmospheremakes Bodo’s not a true brunchexperience. Perfect for takeout, soyou can bring your honey breakfastin bed.Duner’s — Oh wait, they don’tserve brunch anymore. I’m still bitter.It was my absolute favorite, aswas the lovely ride out Ivy Road. Asfond as I am of Sunday brunch, I ampossibly even more fanatical aboutSunday drives and any excuse tocombine the two is welcomed by me.Crozet (try Ombra’s) and Scottsville(I’m sure they have restaurantsthere) are also nice little jaunts alongpretty country roads. If you’re hellbent on wasting the entire morning,take the back roads to Richmond. Ilike Kuba Kuba in the Fan.Higher Grounds — Ye OldeStandby. Especially good if you livewithin walking distance and arestill somewhat concerned with thelegality of your operating a motorvehicle in the condition you are in.Great variety of caffeinated pickme-upsbut no hair-of-the-dog. Orderingat the counter and then gettingserved at your table creates anice dynamic — standing in line toorder gives you a chance to minglewith friends you bump into withouthaving to awkwardly stand overtheir table while you chat. No creditcards.Mono Loco — Seven dollarbrunch specials with a Cuban kick.Tasty eye-openers. Crazy, crazymonkeys.Southern Culture — GospelBrunch served with N’Awlins flair.With three distinct seating areas —the patio, the dim, hip front room,and the more light and airy backroom — you can choose your owndining experience. Bourbon-lacedwaffles and the best Bloody Marysin town. But be sure to get there ontime — I once saw them turn awayDave Matthews himself because thekitchen was closed.The Tavern — Aka Sarge’s,Where Students, Tourists & (if youcould make this ampersand backwards,that would be great)Townpeople Meet. The greasiest ofthe greasy spoons is perfect for whatails you — unless what ails you ishigh cholesterol. The line is oftenout the door, but the service is sospeedy it’s never a problem. Packedwith hung-over students on theweekend, many obviously sharingthat oh-so-special morning-afterbreakfast. Good for grabbing a bigfat Sunday paper and ignoring theperson you are with. No creditcards.Brent Loves PrimatesOlson’s Twinsby Brent OlsonHogle Zoo website, Colobus means“mutilated one” and refers to itsundersized thumbs, which help ittravel rapidly through trees. Sincequick-moving tree action is whatmonkeys are all about, the ColobusMonkey gets a 7 out of 10.Bornean Orangutan — Whenit comes to orangutans, two thingsimmediately come to mind — okay,three things. First, this would bethe perfect monkey to walk aroundwith at the zoo. While it could stilltear you limb from limb like youwere last week’s Law Weekly — theone that wasn’t there — it doesn’tlook dangerous. In fact, second, itlooks like someone’s aging grandparent,with its oddly-tinted thinninghair and slightly hunched posture.Finally, DoctorZaius was an orangutan.I’m not sure ifthat cuts for oragainst orangutans,but the song aboutDoctor Zaius on TheSimpsons sure hadsome catchy lyrics. Itgets 9 out of 10.Black and GoldHowler Monkey —Howler Monkeys. Thename alone says a lot.These monkeys howlin theory. A lot. Whichis great from a kid perspective,though notso good if you are anadult with a headache — and, let’sface it, we are adults, with the ex-courtesy exzooberance.comThe author at play.see PRIMAL BRENT page 8

Law School Life8 Virginia Law Weekly Friday, September 26, 2003It could be that double latté tearingthrough you like a half-pint ofLiquid Plumr. Perhaps last night’sTainted Burrito Special at BajaBean upset the delicate ecosystemof microflora flourishing behind yourbelt buckle. Or maybe you just enjoythe gentle prostate massage thataccompanies a firmly extruded heatstick. Whatever guise it may assume,the hour shall eventually arrivewhen you must marshal yourresources, grab a copy of the LawWeekly, and seek the healing waters.FAUNA FUNPotty Reviewby Morgan EvansPHOTO GALLERYThe Weekly CrosswordEdited by Wayne Robert WilliamsBy Josiah Breward, Scranton, Pennsylvania solution p. 4ACROSS 104 Fuss107 Part of an1 Andes herdapron7 Worldly gain, biblically 108 Catholic13 Placed on displaysacrament20 “The Ponder Heart” 110 Limber andwriterready for21 Room full of birdsaction22 Eurasian ruminant 113 More23 African snapperblubbery25 Physical hypersensitivity 114 Of Chilean26 Time of lifemountains27 Ancient Chinese dynasty28 Buffalo Bill29 Broken-bone support30 Royal address32 Val d’__, France34 Uses a stiletto35 Human seat38 Doctor Seuss book42 Compass pt.43 Laws46 Funniness47 Contents abbr.48 The Promised Land49 Confesses52 Babist faith53 Crowd fig.54 Kids’ TV characters57 Prevailing59 __-majesty61 First baseman John62 Warhol’s movement63 Preliminary elections66 1977 Burt Reynoldsmovie69 Science fiction award70 Make a formal retraction73 “King Kong” star Fay74 People of the press?76 Kin of the cat’s meow79 Recipe amt.80 Ivan of tennis81 Reed and Fargo82 Venetian bridge84 Summers in Provence85 Hackneyed87 Some artists89 Some sloths90 Pronunciation exercise94 Ballplayer’s hat95 Walt Disney’s middlename96 Actress Ada97 Poi base101 Javanese and Japanese103 “Sweeney __”115 NationalLeague team116 Those whouseswearwords117 One of theBorgias118 TranquilDOWN1 Horne andOlin2 PlaywrightPirandello3 Felix orLuther4 Skier Tommy5 Flatfoot’slack6 PoetTeasdale7 Bub8 Bent-billed bird9 Skater Ito10 First11 Paris airport12 Comic Louis13 Plains tribe14 Racecar safety device15 Put back on the market16 Port of Yemen17 Doctor Seuss book18 Med. printout19 Arid24 Preserved29 Goblet shafts31 Kett of old comics33 Nordic jets’ letters34 Closes36 Egyptian dam37 Little in Lille39 McCarthy’s grp.40 Sicilian volcano41 “The __ Man”The Law Weekly Goes to the ToiletThe Law School shelters manynooks of repose, but not all of themare worth your time. What shouldbe a moment of quiet reflection canbe ruined by urine-splashed seats,dim lighting, or even just the knowledgethat someone is waiting foryou to wrap things up, which alwaysmakes me feel like Oresteswith the Furies in hot pursuit. Awell-considered selection can meanthe difference between a restfulpause that knits up the ravelledsleeve of care and a harried, unnervingexperience. This review —omitting the terra incognita of theladies’ rooms — addresses most ofthe restrooms you are likely to encounterhere.Withers-Brown West: The twomain restrooms on the west side ofWB are both inferior options. Althoughconveniently located forthose exiting class, access is hamperedby a narrow entryway, andduring the ten-to-the-hour rushthese facilities exhibit many of theless charming qualities of a ScottStadium restroom at halftime. Ihave witnessed people vomiting inthem. I have vomited in them. Thelighting in the stalls is poor, and theindustrial-size rolls of micron-thinpaper are difficult to unspool. Onthe plus side, however, the seat isoften still warm from the previousoccupant.Withers-Brown East: If youphoto by Sam Young“Should I use my powers for good, or for awesome?”43 Head skin44 Spud45 An inability to sit still47 Cramped49 Burrows and Fortas50 German article51 Half a Kenyan rebel?52 Unruly rascal55 Stirs up liquid56 Zeno of __57 French title58 News agcy.60 Corrects text62 Sean or William64 Eve’s boy65 Capek sci-fi play66 __ Fifth Avenue67 Stomach: pref.68 Syringes, casually70 Make fresh71 Post-dusk72 J. Davis’ domain74 Of the intestines75 Anatomical networks76 Philippines machetesfind the WB West experience asunsettling as I do, just pop acrossthe hall to the serene facility nearthe north entrance to the library.Don’t be fooled by the congestedfemale foot traffic; this hidden cornerboasts a handicapped-accessiblemen’s room featuring two spacious,well-lit, and immaculately cleanstalls. Rodin’s Le Penseur would notlook out of place here.Scott Commons: This is an acceptableoption, but only very earlyin the day because it has but onestall which is generally befouled bythose not content to wait for a urinalduring the lunch rush. Should circumstancesforce you to compromiseon this point, there remainsthe grave risk of hearing, just asyou’re getting comfortable, thegentle cough of some similarly situatedfellow indicating his desire forthings to be hurried along. You maytelegraph your intention to do nosuch thing by turning the page ofyour Law Weekly with an audiblycrisp snap.Slaughter Hall, First Floor:There is a smattering of one-stallPRIMAL BRENTcontinued from page 7ception of two or three first-years.Fortunately, Black and GoldHowler Monkeys have another distinctiveand redeeming characteristic— “Tongue-flicking is a ritualizeddisplay of sexual solicitation.”I promise I’m not makingthis up, it’s a direct quote from theHogle Zoo website. So next timeyou see a Howler Monkey flickingits tongue out at you, you’ll knowexactly what its thinking. Thehowler gets 5 out of 10.Western Lowland Gorilla —This is the smallest of three speciesof Gorilla, which is not a goodthing. Gorillas already look as ifthey have a very large chip on77 Guitarist Clapton78 Chinese: pref.81 Carvey and Ivey83 Element fig.85 Consoler86 Climbing vines87 New Deal agcy.88 Magnani and Paquin90 Manush of the Hall ofFame91 Ponders moodily92 Exodus parting93 My, my, my98 Higher up99 Standing100 Way overweight102 800 exams103 Color variation105 Taps gently106 Beastly character108 Low mil. letters109 Seine substance110 Fond du __, WI111 Sue __ Langdon112 Galley propelleroptions on the first floor of SlaughterHall, but none are worthy ofnote. Two of the facilities — one atthe intersection with Clay Hall, andone by the west exit near the Fishbowl— are acceptable if you haveno time to seek relief elsewhere.They’re not always clean, but thereis often a Cav Daily already in thestall. A third facility, between theLaw Review and BLSA offices, hasone stall and no urinal at all. Guysbeing what they are, this ill-conceivedrestroom is often filthier thana Cambodian squat privy.Slaughter Hall, Second Floor:The comfortably large facility nearthe PILA office is pretty much youronly option here. It’s serviceablyclean, but tends to reek of cold,clammy sweat and rank desperationduring the OGI season. If you’relooking for something different,there is a small, secluded restroomtoward the southwest corner of thebuilding. The last time I dropped in,though, the single stall there hadbeen reduced to a state of unspeakablehorror, and I have avoided itever since.their shoulders and I’m sure beingthe smallest doesn’t improve theWestern Lowland’s attitude at all.Whenever I go to the zoo and lookat the gorillas, I get the feelingthat if I fell into their pit, ninetimes out of 10 they would crushme like a bug, but there’s a one in10 chance they wouldn’t deign toacknowledge my presence. Can’tsay I like those odds. But here aretwo facts about the Western LowlandGorilla you have to love: Itsproper name is gorilla gorilla gorilla.And, again according to theHogle Zoo website, “It is difficultto sex young gorillas.” WL getsnine out of 10.Library, First Floor: There is aroomy, well-lit facility tucked intothe northeast corner by the professors’offices. This is a great optionmost of the year, but standards sliptowards the end of each semester,when the library crowd seems tostay one step ahead of the janitorialstaff. There is plenty of readingmaterial available, but rememberto reshelve that copy of MedicalLiability Monthly when you leave.Library, Second Floor: Thetwo ample facilities on the westside of the library’s second floorare rather decent options most ofthe year. During exam crunchtime, however, high traffic levelsexact a heavy toll. Cold weathercompounds the problem; a quirkin the heating system turns theserestrooms into a sort of Dutch oventhat only Shadrach, Meshach, orpossibly Abednego could really feelcomfortable in. There is also a luxurioushandicapped-accessiblerestroom on the east side by theperiodical room, although it canbe a hit-or-miss affair. I wouldn’tgo out of my way for it, but it’sworth a visit if you find yourself inthe neighborhood.Caplin Auditorium: It’s offthe beaten track, but this clean,quiet, three-stall gem is a favoritehaunt of true restroom aficionados.After making a quick stop atthe racks of free reading materialin the exit nearest the D3 lot, theysettle in for a peaceful interlude.When you meet an acquaintanceat the sink here, trivial banterseems unnecessary and intrusive.A simple glance of mutual understandingis enough to communicatewhat you both know: this isthe place.Use this information as you seefit. I only hope that I, like Dante’sVirgil, have proven an instructiveand enlightening guide to an otherwisemysterious realm.Top Ten Fashion Tipsby Victor Kao ’0410. Glasses will make you look smarter, but not as smart as wiping thatstupid smile off your face will. Punkass.9. Remember, impoverished third-world peasant equals worldly firstworldstudent!8. Showing lots of skin doesn’t make you look unprofessional. It justmakes you look like a different kind of professional. Stop thinkinginside the corporate box and move out onto the street corner.7. Music can be a style accessory that helps you express your personality.For instance, showing me your Dave Matthews CDs tells me that you’rethree muggings and two bankruptcies away from getting what youdeserve.6. When you wear a nice dark suit, people are more likely to notice thatyour fly is down and that you’ve put everything out there. Everything.5. Use composition and framing to emphasize your good features. Forinstance, you can accentuate your cleavage with a low-cut top and a bagover your head.4. When caught wearing something ugly, tell people you’re wearing it withirony.3. Wear animal patterns. Why? Because you’re a jungle cat. On the prowl.For men. ROWR! (Insert clawing gestures.)2. You know those female athletic shorts with thingswritten across theback to call attention to the butt in a coy, playful way? Those are hot.1. Prada and Gucci bags aren’t nearly as cool as colostomy bags.